Book Jacket

 

rank 2930
word count 55709
date submitted 23.06.2012
date updated 20.05.2013
genres: Fiction, Thriller, Fantasy
classification: moderate
incomplete

Flawless Ritual

Faruq Chevalier

Witches, dark scheme, magic covens, secluded dark cult, and... witch-hunter.

 

"Naugarzeb needs proper offer," the Dark Priest told his initiate, offering a knife glimmering to the torches' light. "Let him sate his lust."
The demon worshipers roared, the initiate's tormented wail rising above the blare, causing the Dark Priest to grin even more. Even of death, even if the Dark Priest commanded him to suicide, the initiate would do whatever to please Naugarzeb, and the Dark Priest relished forcing him to drip blood he would gladly offered.

 
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tags

dark fantasy, dragon, elf, fantasy, fiction, magic, plague, thriller, witch

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44 comments

 

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superostah wrote 442 days ago

Quick CWOG:
I read through the prologue and first chapter. Your prologue is lovely. Even after the poem ends, there's a poetic quality to the prose. However, your real writing abilities begin to shine through immediate at the start of chapter 1. Your choice of descriptions paints a picture with emotions that is irresistible. I don't feel like I've really gotten into the meat of the story yet, so I'll have to come back and read more as time permits. However, for now, I'm putting you on my watchlist and giving a bunch of stars.

AlexandraMahanaim wrote 442 days ago

I read four of your chapters. The witch hunt for Arianna is underway. I just have a hard time with Altzar and his mistrust issues. His behavior is impossible.

Yet the whole thing is very interesting. Good luck with it.

Hope you'll take a look at Return to Eternity,
Alexandra Mahanaim

patio wrote 454 days ago

Firstly, I love the book title. Its catchy. I love the heading of the opening chapter. Its a powerful hook. You have done the subject justice. You are promising author, the next big thing. Max stars but still trading

Kate LaRue wrote 456 days ago

CWOG

There is a very dreamlike quality to the opening chapter, and even the prologue. Your descriptions are rich without being too wordy.

There are a few places where the wording of a phrase seemed a bit strange, like 'looked through his shoulder' and 'for a wink moment'. There are other times where the syntax is odd, but nothing a good edit won't fix.

Atarin's confusion after being the only one left alive by the witch is very real and easy to comprehend. He seems a tragic character in this world you've built.

Best wishes with this.
Kate

Jaclyn Aurore wrote 458 days ago

CWOG - Flawless Ritual

nitpicks first
I saw a few typos, and this could use a polishing up (eg. 'Atarin, he blurting.' should be 'he blurted' or 'he was blurting')(another eg, "i feel exactly the same as you are" should be "i feel exactly the same as you do" or "i am feeling exactly the same as you are")

having said that, the fantasy element of this novel is great... witches and elves, and all sorts of magic... it makes for a page-turner...
I also like that you write many books featuring the world of Tangardia, but at different times in 'history' and involving different people... it just shows how creative you are!

Jaclyn x
It Never Happened

Seringapatam wrote 458 days ago

Faruq, this is an awesome tale and although I dont normally look at thsi genre, I found it very well written and laid out. You certainly have a good voice for this book and you rightfully use your characters to full effect by keeping the reader involved so much so its difficult to put the book down. I struggled twice to walk away from it..... A cracking flow to the story as is when it needed to be sharp. I only see good things for this book and I enjoyed it so much.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) Please consider me for a read or watch list wont you? Happy New Year. Sean

Charles Knightley wrote 458 days ago

Flawless Ritual

Witches, magic covens and a witch-hunter. You certainly have a wild imagination which has led to your lovely fantasy book.

The chapters I’ve read show you have a love for writing; you just need to sharpen up your editing to get the book to the next level. For example in chapter 2, “Far ahead and in his right,” would be better as “Far ahead and to his right,”

I’ve given you some high stars and look forward to your book progressing towards the editors.

Charles Knightley
The Secret of Netley Abbey


Brian G Chambers wrote 460 days ago

Hi Faruq
I've read a couple of chapters, even though fantasy is not my genere. I like what you have written, I like your story, but I'm afraid it needs quite a bit of editing. If you want I can recomend a really good editor on here. She has done my editing and did a fantastic job of it. Her name is Jessica Berg, she can be found if you type her name into the book search box. I hope you enjoy my Tales for Children as much as I enjoyed your story. I have highly starred your work.
Best wishes.
Brian.

carol jefferies wrote 461 days ago

Hi Faruq,

Even though I don't usually read fantasy I just read the opening to your book, 'Flawless Ritual,' and thought the opening was thrilling, and the story holds great promise. I loved the names.

Good Luck with it.

I would really appreciate it if you could take a look at mine.

Carol Jefferies
(A Kinman's Chattel)
(Love for Lilian)
(A Prince Unboyed)

D.J.Milne wrote 566 days ago

Hi Faruq
Here for our read swap.
I like your chapter titles, Mental Rejection and Deception.
You have written a very fast paced atmospheric book here. It has a dark brooding edge, with the witch bringing her disease to destroy the city, Atarin, the Lustaar, banding together his ragged group of survivors to avenge the wrong, done to them and the people.
You also have written other strong characters, like Altzar the dark elf.
I liked your description of the The Garran prison. Indeed a lot of your work is very descriptive. For example early lines like; Backlit by spectral moonlight, the looming shadows of branches and bristles gave an otherworldly aura, as if something would come out of them all of a sudden., are lovely poetic lines.
I do however feel that you need to edit your work. I have given some examples here from the prologue and first chapter. Corrections are (in brackets).
… the mighty power of Athrozen’s worshippers to find their weakness. But magicians were broken into several factions, and were too secluded to be learned further. (To be learned further? I don’t understand this)
They began their terror in Castalia Realm, a kingdom (Kingdom) in northern Tangardia.
. But when he began to lift himself to standing, he noticed corpses littering the street around him, between shimmering puddles of red blood standing out against the dark paves. (can we see red when it is dark,)
. (nice phrase)
A witch had almost killed him just before he lapsed into unconsciousness. And the pain inflicted by her made it hard to move quickly. He couldn’t stand the way it tormented him. And he was afraid that she might be somewhere near, waiting for the right time to tear him asunder.
The memory of his friends and family flashed in his mind as he grinned to bear (grimaced trying to bear) the pain in his back and leg.
Why had he opened his eyes to see the world once again when he got (had got or had) no one else to share with?
. As a matter of fact, all people he knew his whole life (everybody he had ever know) had left him, they moving on to the afterlife.
He found himself disoriented by death and life: one moment he hoped to be dead, the next praying for safety. By now he was prey, (take out, who was) running from a savage witch.
Now that a farmland ( a farm or farmland ) appeared before him, he had to move on,
Mountain range’s (a mountain range’s) silhouette was outlined against the dark night afar, so far that he thought it was unreachable. There was nothing between him and everything about except the thick of the darkness itself, he shivering to the realization of it. For it meant that the witch could find him just (as) easily.
His breath raced, still, his vein (s) hot and his pains deadly.
trying to catch anyone, or anything, between the potato plants but still he could (scarcelyly, too many ly) find anything eldritch.
Ripe tomatoes suspended under leaves blanketing (blanketed) the surface of the second hill, they slamming (slammed) his body as he moved. When he plodded along the furrow between two rows of low plants, he had a feeling that a hand would snaffle his feet, a feeling he got when tracing the edge of a sharp blade with his finger. He waited (for) it to come, but it never happened.
The gate, which had the heights of more than twenty feet (more than twenty feet high), was left open, penetrable and vulnerable to everything.
You have an eye for detail and obviously a great imagination for creating worlds and characters. Descriptive and captivating prose, but they are in need of a good edit.
Good luck with this.
D. J
The Ghost Shirt

Shelby Z. wrote 566 days ago

Flawless Ritual by Faruq Chevalier
Informative opener.
Grim but gripping first chapter. You have grasped the complete word sue for feelings going through your MC Atarin. the terror, horror, confusion, and loneliness really come out. The view of death and destruction is well portrayed in your chapter.
You have captured a lot of emotion in your book.
Though I am not into magic and witches and what not, I really think you have written this very well.
Super work.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

P.S. Please read my pirate adventure Driving Winds.

rikasworld wrote 594 days ago

Club Grimoire
I have to agree with other comments that this needs some editing but the first chapter is exciting and atmospheric. There are some effective gruesome descriptions and you create a good feeling of the helplessness and despair the man feels. He has to leave the injured woman and then his action rebounds on him when she reappears. The supernatural element comes across strongly, a feeling of menace because the danger is beyond their understanding and control.

junetee wrote 596 days ago

Club Grimoire.

I like the prologue. Its clear and precise nd tells the reader the background of the story.
The first chapter started very well. I was excited and its a very chilling beginning.
Its an haunting atmosphere you build up and you write it very well
You have quite a lot of grammar mistakes, mostly with commas and words missed out. I started to write them down but there were too many. Its words like 'a' , 'at' and 'the' .
Overall its a good prologue and first chapter, and an intriguing plot.
junetee
FOUR CORNERS.book one.The Rock Star

mat012 wrote 599 days ago

Club Grimoire Review:

You have a great imagination and have used it well in building a complex and intriguing world. The premise for the book is sounds but, as others have noted, there is a bit of work to do with the grammar. The prologue seemed, to me, a bit of an information dump. When compare with the instant action of the first chapter it was a bit out of place to me.

You hint at a great calmity, the deaths by the witch, but don't do into too much detail. In this case I think that is a good thing. You keep the story moving and keep us curious.

When Altzar and Atrain are speaking, Altzar says "You look messed up." That struck me as a modern phrase and seemed out of place in this world.

Some of your words seem overly complicated for the pace of the story. They are fantastic words, don't get me wrong, but seem overly verbose to me. With it being a dramatic escape from certain death have you considered changing the words to make the more viceral?

Overall I think you have the start of something good here, a bit of work to be done yet but you are a good way along your path.

Good luck

Meagan

Karataratakas wrote 600 days ago

Club Grimoire Critique

This is a really compelling beginning with some fantastic imagery and great sense of gloom and despair in the wake of all the plague and death. The prologue is a good example of what I call the Star Wars Scroll, just a little background information to set the scene and show you've put a lot of thought into your world-building. The first chapter is a little long, I think it could do with becoming split shortly after Sacrion is introduced and leaving the rest for a second chapter.

Others have already mentioned the grammar, I suspect you're ESL so don't worry too much and keep trying, maybe find a good proofreader/editor to go over your work for you, it's mostly little things that don't hide your underlying talent, the story is well-paced and had fantastic atmosphere, well done!

KT

Jenny-B wrote 601 days ago

Grimoire Review - Flawless Ritual
Faruq Chevalier

**Prologue**

In the opening paragraph is there only one prophecy or are there several? The second sentence implies more than one.

I don’t understand the third paragraph at all. “Stalking the existence of Athrozen’s worshippers, magicians of Tangardia, under their Seven Deities, slowly crawled beneath the might power of Athrozen’s worshipers. In the first half, it seems the magicians are stalking the worshipers (which implies following them), the middle introduces a Seven Deities, and the end has the magicians no longer stalking but crawling. Maybe if you expand it a bit more, it will be more clear.

“Their ability to transform a spirit into a carcass . . .” – the spirit is turned into a dead body? Carcass implies dead.

Who does Athrozen’s worshippers regard as trivial? The Naugarzeb or the magicians. You have something weak but the magicians (who I through were also the enemies of the Naugarzeb are rising against the worshippers.

**Chapter One**

The writing here is much better – it flows more evenly and is straightforward.

You have the MC lamenting over leaving his family and being alone, after leaving a woman who begged for help behind.

This needs a solid edit, for grammar, consistency and redundancy. You have the beginnings of an intriguing story here, with the possibility of developing interesting characters. You’ve set the scene well, with Atarin being the only survivor and the trail of deaths the witch has supposedly created through some kind of plague. Then the group comes together to search her out , followed by the excellent hook of Atarin being the part of the cause of the trouble! You need to iron out a few of the details and tighten up the writing.

One of the things I do AFTER completing my first draft, is I go back and make an outline for each chapter – so I can ensure continuity from one chapter to the next and all the way through the book. If I have a character whose qualities are evading me, I create a bio for them – the reader might never see any parts of that bio, but I know how it reads and it helps to define the characters.

Your best writing is when it’s simple and straightforward – such as the sections where there is dialogue. Otherwise, it often seems as though you are trying too hard, using words that don’t have quite the right meaning and creating phrases that are more complicated than necessary.

Wishing you luck with this and all your writing projects,

Jenny

Chancelet wrote 601 days ago

Club Grimoire Review:

Interesting story opening in the first chapter. As others have said, the grammar needs work, which would bring the story out so much better. Even with the needed work, the story is fairly easy to follow and thrilling. I would suggest that you name the unnamed man sooner so that when you bring up the other character with such a similar name, we can know quicker who’s who. I’d also suggest breaking up chapter 1 into 2 chapters.

N. LaRonda Johnson
Anticipation of the Penitent

Nancy Lopez wrote 601 days ago

Club Grimoire review...

Hi, I enjoyed reading this story. It is vivid right from the start. The prologue is short and to the point. I do like that. What I offer below are only suggestions for consideration. I am not a pro, only trying to help. Careful with too many 'ing endings. And avoid when all possible 'ly' endings. This is what I'm told but sometimes, what the heck, right? it reads better with an 'ing' or an 'ly' LOL.

Somtimes you shift from showing to telling as if teaching us the thoughts or surroundings. Like an instructor kind of thing. Be the invible fly on the wall and be a snooper.

I would end first sentence with the word darkness..Why? Because in the next few senteces you describe the street. So you leave us wondering where this is headed and the scene then zooms in. It'll be more intense.

--consider killing the word but in the openng of the second setnece..it slow down the pace and is not really needed.

--i feel like dreaming or i feel like I am in a dream?

--i do like the names of your characters. Kudos.

--your para' breaks keep the momentum moving forward. Great job with that!
--her face was lit by the nearby torche. ---leave it simple. Don't over write.
---goosebumps ran up and down his body and limbs.---this is very cliche. I do it all the time too. try to summarize this. maybe, a blanket of goosebumps made his body shiver. Oh hey--i like htat. Gonna have to bower it some time. :)

All in all, a good start.
Looking forward to reading more
High stars.
Happy writng
Nancy

Kayla H wrote 609 days ago

Club Grimoire Review:
Prologue:
First of all, I must say that you’ve obviously thought your story world out and I like the elements you’ve created—warring religious factions, different types of magic, etc.
My biggest problem with this, though, is awkward/confusing sentences: magicians “slowly crawled beneath the mighty power” I’m not sure what this means.
You do a lot of changing tenses in this paragraph, so I’m not sure when things are taking place: “a dark belief was awoken….had given them a powerful army…they waited for the final battle.” I’m thinking “had given” should be “gave”
“they were all so weak and separated” I think you need a different word than “separated” as it’s not clear what they’re separated from.
“To the fact” is kind of awkward.
Chapter One:
The chapter starts with a very dramatic situation: someone waking up surrounded by corpses. The main character then has to flee and finds himself in a town that has been struck by a plague.
Again, the style didn’t quite work for me. It came across a little too grandiose. There were too many abstract descriptions and not enough that really allowed me to see the scene.
I also didn’t really feel I was seeing and experiencing the story through the main character’s point of view; it felt a little detached and distant to me. I’d also really like to know his name right from the beginning.
The name “Dorothy” seemed really out of place.
There were also quite a few misused words:
“he split through wheat farm”
“peered about to the other bodies” should be “peered about at the other bodies”
“pushed himself forward lingeringly” “lingeringly” seems like a really odd word choice.
“I won’t get long” the meaning is a bit unclear.
“It was like that Altzar” doesn’t need “that”
“that he smattered on the witch” I really don’t think “smattered” is the right word.
“nuzzled in his seat” again, odd usage.
Etc.
And missing words: “all people he knew his whole life had left him, they moving on to the afterlife” should be “all the people he had known his whole life had left him, moving on to the afterlife”
“his vein hot” should be “veins”
“the witch had had” I don’t think you need the second “had”
“He’d had quite of rotting things” is probably meant to be “He’d had quite enough of rotting things”
“The man stunned” should be “The man was stunned”
Etc.
I think if you fixed these issues, you could have a pretty decent story.

Emily Rebecca wrote 609 days ago

Club Grimoire Review:

First, I think you have a good story concept. You have all the elements (unique characters, your own world), they only need to be polished so they'll shine brighter.

There are grammatical errors and awkward sentences throughout the prologue and first chapter. My suggestion is to read it out loud or use a text-to-speech program on the computer to listen to your work. I'm sure it will help catch many of those errors.

Best of luck and keep writing!

A G Chaudhuri wrote 614 days ago

Dear Faruq,

You seem to have weaved a very intriguing and complex saga with FLAWLESS RITUAL. The prosperous land of Tangardia, blind beliefs, man’s destructive nature, sorcery, conspiracy, and rebellion – the story has many elements of a gripping Tolkienesque epic. It has every potential to find favour with the multitude of fantasy buffs on this site and elsewhere (and scale the authonomy chart as well) once you’ve addressed a few issues. The first impression that I got from reading the prologue is an overemphasis on using rich words and trying too hard to write well. As a fellow author whose knowledge of English has developed solely out of daily usage (and therefore totally functional), I’d advise you to focus more on grammar and the right usage of words. It’s important that you tell your story in a manner that’s easy on the eyes. Thereafter, when you revisit the MS (as you’re bound to, several times), you can embellish it further. The first chapter is much better written. You’ve painted a dark and grim picture with all the corpses lying around and a lone survivor running for his life, which is very much in line with the kind of story the pitch promises. But once again, the language can be simplified, e.g. the opening sentence would read much better as ‘He opened his eyes to darkness.’ In its present state, I’d give it 4 stars for themes and plot.

Best regards,
AGC


KMac23 wrote 616 days ago

I really believe you have a lot of talent for an eighteen year old writer! I felt the darkness and fear in the opening scene and the bleakness and pain the man was experiencing. Personally, I liked the imagery and thought the storyline was creative.

The book does need some editing, as there are a lot of unnecessary words in sentences and some structural sentence errors. Take any advice you can get on this site, as it can really help move your book along.

I see writing with merit here. Our genres couldn't be more opposite, but I can see you have put much time and thought into your writing and you have a lot of potential! Best wishes on the site!

Kara
A Gate Called Beautiful

E. Earle wrote 617 days ago

This has a lot of potential. I think it needs a lot of reworking, just in terms of editing the sentences with some mistakes.
The dialogue could be reworked- imagine what you would say yourself instead of what you've already heard. If you've already read that sentence somewhere else, then don't use it. You want to surprise the reader and drag them into the story.

This story has the potential to really frighten people and to feel the character's fear, but try to stay away from the obvious. Build up suspense. Put yourself in the character's shoes. What can they hear? Feel? Smell?

You want to grab the reader's attention from the very first sentence- give them something they haven't read before- and that doesn't just mean circumstance, but in the way you put it across.

Keep going.

eloravelle wrote 617 days ago

Club Grimoire Review-

Honestly your beginning is hard for me to read. You begin with him opening his eyes to darkness all around him.

It is as if you are trying to use beautiful imagery to lure the reader but what you aredoing is justconfusing them,because you are then proceeding to tell us why he blacked out.

I think you could go with maybe the fight first why he is blacked out and that he just wakes to blood lined streets and corpses, that he is the only one alive now. He must find help or find out if his family is alive maybe give a name to create a connection of him being scared or lost or something.

That would help. You have some sentances that are just not structured properly, or are very hard to make out.

I cannot pin point which ones exactly seeing there are quite a few in just the beginning of this alone.

I am really finding this hard to read, because you say there are no survivors yet you introduce other people along like Sacrion and a woman crying for help.

I dont know if he is hearing voices until later on.

It is just too much for me right now. I will come back to it later.

-Elora

Debbie R wrote 621 days ago

Your opening is quite shocking. Atarin finds that his friends and family have been killed by a witch. You succeed in getting across his guilt at leaving the dying woman alone.
There is a lot of vocabulary here that is not quite right - I think you will have to go through and do some careful editing. The idea for your story is good and you have some imaginative characters like Sacrion the elf.
You write 'kvetching in pain' I wasn't sure what this meant, perhaps 'writhing in pain'.

Please don't let this stop you from carrying on with your writing as with some help I think you have the makings of a good story here.

Best of luck with it.
Debbie


Su Dan wrote 622 days ago

your writing is well paced. you tell you tale with great skill, and use dialogue and narrative together that helps make your book a very good read...
backed...
read SEASONS...

JustMatti wrote 622 days ago

Hello,

Your concept for this story is very interesting.

I'm not sure what age group you are aiming this toward, to me it seems like a story like this would be aimed toward the YA audience, however the amount of large literary words that you use seems to bury the story. I'm only saying this because if you are aiming toward the YA audience you should try and cut down on the literary writing a bit and use a more modern writing style. But overall the story is very creative and visual.

I did find a few mistakes, missing words and wrong tenses/versions of words.

As far as the chapter with the "invoking of the horned god" (since how this is what you really wanted me to comment on). You did a fantastic job with the way it happened, however I did get lost in the action. from the time right before the wolves attacked to the end of the chapter I got lost in all the big words and I really couldn't visualize what was really happening. It kind of felt like you rushed through it and only gave glimpses of what is happening.

When I started reading this I envisioned the style that Christopher Paolini wrote Eragon. In my opinion that style would do this story more justice and make it a more enjoyable, easier read. But that is just my opinion.

- Matti

L. thomas wrote 624 days ago

Hey!

I think that you have a pretty good pitch going, although it seems that you introduce a lot of things into it, but it does work well.

I like your description of the town and how the character wakes up among the bodies and everything, I find it easy to picture the scene in my mind as I’m reading it. A few paragraphs in you have three in a row that all start with “he” the repetition is interesting by I’m not really sure that it works as well as it could have.

I think that you have a pretty good first chapter here although I do agree with some of the other comments in that you should watch your tenses. I know I have trouble with that too, but with careful reading I think it is easy to catch for the most part.

EllieMcG wrote 625 days ago

Club Grimoire: Flawless Ritual
There is some lovely imagery and some wonderful suspense and storytelling throughout this chapter. A very grim, melancholic opening, followed by a more exciting pace for the second half. It's quite well done! I would, however, advise to be careful of going TOO crazy with "writing well." Don't overload the story with literature - give some space for the story itself to shine amongst the adjectives!
 I did have a few nit-picks regarding sentence structure and grammar - I hope you don't mind, :) 

But when he began to lift himself to stand - just a typo. Should be "pushed himself up to standING."
"Being this nervous and anxious..." - nervous and anxious mean the same thing, so you don't need to write both. 
"He was stalked by death he saw in the bodies..." - in this context, you probably need to write "He was stalked by THE death he saw in the bodies..." - it seems weird, I know, but you're using death as an adjective here, not a noun.
"He found himself become disoriented of death and life" - should be "he found himself becomING disoriented"
"Attaining the willow tree amidst the farmland" - attaining is a stage word to use in this context. Probably better as "Upon reaching the willow tree amidst the farmland"
"They had empty eyes, but why Altzar still retained them" - I think this should be "but why did Altzar still retain them?"
"The woman, lingeringly, let go of Atarin’s neck" - I'd get rid of "lingeringly" - its not a word. :) 
 Hope this helps 
E

Henry E Allan wrote 626 days ago

Hi, Henry Allan here. Having read the first one and a half chapters, I am going to hold off on the rest until more editing is done.
Take the advice of your critics and work hard at editing.
The story line is interesting and your imagination is tremendious, don't let my judgment discourage you.
Some one once said, Genius is five percent insperation and ninty five percent presperation.
I hope that you have a master piece here.

Henry E Allan,----"Before the Beginning".

Nepalwriter wrote 626 days ago

First of all, my best friend is writing a piece that opens similar to yours in the setting and his family having all be killed. He too creates worlds and calendars and he too is searching for answers. You could have a great plot here.
I read the comments about your opening paragraphs. It appears you have made some good edits.

I have to agree with other comments. Your writing has many grammatical errors and is confusing at times.
I've traveled all over the word and listened to speakers where English is not the native language. I could be completely off base here and if so I apologize. But your syntax and word choice remind me of that.
I feel you have great potential here if you can get someone to help you with grammar.

You are expressing your MC's emotions quite a bit and that's a very good thing. Readers want to know what the characters are thinking and feeling. However, your MC seems confused at times But I do have some sympathy for his changing feelings.

You have some good descriptions of the setting. I feel your imagination is very creative. You simply need help in expressing it more clearly.
I will put this on my WL and come back later to see how you are progressing.

I truly wish you the best of luck. I think there's real potential here.

benedict wrote 627 days ago

Hello mate,

here's what I'd do with the pitch,

The entire village has been massacred. When the only survivor runs, conspiracies and suspicious people FOLLOW CLOSE BEHIND.

The catastrophe isn't over yet. Running will only LEAD to another obstacle.

NO ONE SURVIVING the attack gives him the fact that his village is not the only place threatened. Atarin finds himself in a magical enigma.

The survivors wind their way deep into Castalian Realm, but soon it becomes clear that the king hides a dark secret. He searches for an ancient book on THE creation of life. But why he is so eager to obtain the lost tome is a mystery running under the secluded power against him.

In the middle of chaos, a witch is prowling the land, WORKING THE king's conspiracy, betrayal burgeoning, causing panic among people.

Atarin and the other survivors come to know that a magic coven is taking part, meddling, and plotting in the destruction. But their goal is completely unclear.

Atarin realizes that the answer is close when he discoverS who he really is.

This is the first book of Flawless Ritual trilogy.

--However, there's a big problem with it as you say at the beginning that there is only one survivor but later talk about the survivors - this was very unclear. Aside from this it sounds like an interesting idea for a book.

Here's my corrections for the first page...

The only thing he knew WHEN opening his eyes was darkness. But when he began to lift himself to stand he saw corpses littering the street around him, between shimmering puddles of red blood standing out against the dark paves. He pushed himself along, his body sagging. The more he forced himself to stand upright, the more his muscles ached under the load of PAIN.
The towering heights of pines behind wrecked wooden houses along the street haunted him. Backlit by spectral moonlight, the looming shadows of branches and bristles gave an otherworldly aura, as if something would come out of them all of a sudden.
While he staggered over the cadavers of his family and friends, realizing what had happened before he collapsed, he learned that he had to run. No matter how painful his wounds were, he still had to run. He was too scared to linger, but he had to collect just enough strength to keep ahead of this monster, this witch.
There was no sound but THE clutters of his bloody boots stomping the ground. He had almost been killed by a witch, and the lethal PAIN caused by her deterred him from moving briskly.
The MEMORY of his friends and family flashed in his mind as he grinned to bear the pain in his back and leg. He knew he had done WRONG by TAKING THE TIME to mourn while careening. He couldn’t stand the way the pains tormented him.
IF only he HAD died there.
But he hadn’t.
He wildly wondered why he was not among the dead. Why had he been destined to live when EVERYONE ELSE had not? Why had he opened his eyes if the world had been a different place without any of his relatives alive?
He walked in fear and despair. Being this nervous and anxious made him feel like he was SOMEONE he had never been before. He was stalked by death WHICH he saw in the bodies laying along the well-trodden street. He loathed DEAD things.

also the word "clutters" is not well used. I'd say something like the BEAT of his bloody boots.

In general this is much better written than your previous piece and the imagery is very strong.

Best of luck with it!

Benedict

Eftborin wrote 628 days ago

Club Grimoire comment.

Hi Faruq. I found myself reading hurriedly through because I didnt think it flowed for me.
Not sure about 'this monster, this witch'
Confused with the line 'He was stalked by death he saw in the bodies he saw laying along the well-trodden street.'
Later '...a hand from one of the dead grasped his boots' !? Is it a speaking Zombie?
I will probably come back to it to see have you made changes.Hopefully.
Pat

Henry E Allan wrote 628 days ago

Have added to my watch list, I will give a look as soon as I can. Take a look at my book when you get a chance.

Wishing you the best, Henry E Allan, ----"Before the Beginning"

mdws77 wrote 629 days ago

Very good premise. I have highly rated and added to my watchlist.

Inkysparrow wrote 629 days ago

Club Grimoire Review

I've read chapter 1. The chapter starts off with a grim bang amidst a pile of bodies, then ends with a nice cliff hanger. I had some problems following as your prose had a lot of awkward sentences that need fixing. I don't like dumping a big amount of corrections in my reviews, and others have pointed out many corrections already. Other than the awkward prose, you've started us off with a nice mystery that I think will be exciting. We get a rather sorry picture of the MC - he's kind of selfish and cowardly as he's unwilling to help, even though he knows he should. I hope I'll like him more later :)

Daniel de Molay-Wilson wrote 629 days ago

Club Grimoire Review:

It comes at you with a stench of smoke, invisible, but obvious, clung on the air, so think November 5th for fellow Brits, or July 4th for the US of A. And then, when the essence of such happening wafts on, it's clear what has been, will be so as we see a literary juggernaut taking us to more than we'd intially imagined...

Corpses litters 'the paves' -- I love that term. It's playing with language, which I'm all about. So how many thousands of words alone do we have in English, whatever your flag; yet how many do we use, and even sadder, how many have the courage to muster the might to use them??

This story is steeped in bravery. A bravado of language from early on. It's a journey piece, and I enjoyed it.

I could espouse so much more, my friend. But suffice to say, well done. So check this out, and experience...

Dan

Yudia malik ibrahim wrote 630 days ago

Hey there, my friend!

Yudia malik ibrahim wrote 630 days ago

Hey there, my friend!

benjacoto wrote 630 days ago

I will read this book at a later date, but for now some pitch help :D

'The catastrophe hasn't over yet. A run will only come down to another obstacle.' -there are a few grammatical errors in this (sorry i know I'm not a grammatical genius myself) It would sound better as: 'The catastrophe isn't over yet. Running will only lead to another obstacle.

Next para, again it makes little sense yet has brilliant potential (please don't think I'm being horrible about the grammar) it could read: 'The survivors steadily wind their way deep into the Castailan Realm, but soon it becomes clear the king hides a dark secret. He searches for the ancient book on the creation of life. But why is he so eager to find the lost tomb, and what is the mysteriousness power growing against him?'

Then: 'In the mist of the chaos a witch prowler the land, causing panic among the people. The kings dark conspiracy is becoming clearer with the panic.'

Next: 'Atarin (if he is the mention survivor then say that inside commas) discovers a magic covenant working, plotting and meddling in the destruction. But their goal is unclear.'

Finally: 'Atarin realizes that the answer is close, and in finding the truth finds himself.'

As an after thought: 'Book one of the (name of your trilogy) trilogy' (instead of 'PS: This is the first book of my trilogy novel.' as it makes more sense and sounds better)

Please note that I am not an expert, nor do i claim to be unlike some people on this site, all the above is my opinion and i hope it helps. Happy reading! :D

Cara Gold wrote 640 days ago

{Flawless Ritual} – Faruq Chevalier
YAL Review

You obviously have a great imagination– the premise is interesting and at times you create very atmospheric scenes, pulling the reader right in and creating a strong and engaging mood. I’ve just made some detailed notes below for you, mainly concerning grammar because I think this needs a little work. Keep writing though, lots of great ideas!

Sincerely,
Cara

**

I’d reword first line to; ‘Parting his eyes, the only thing he knew was darkness.’ I think ‘open’ is implicit (or you could say ‘Opening his eyes), and this removes ‘as’ from the sentence (which sounds similar to ‘was’)

Perhaps ‘But as he struggled to stand, he saw corpses litering the street around him…’

**Great images in this bit by the way!

I like the alliteration of ‘wrecked wooden’ houses

‘spectral moonlight’ is nice too

Perhaps ‘he ::realized:: that he had to run’ instead of ‘he learned’ → more immediate and urgent?

‘grinned to bear the pain’ perhaps ‘grimaced’ would be a more fitting verb??

‘thinking about adjustment of good and bad’ not too sure what this means

I’d say ‘Fright hovered over him everywhere he went, and paranoia oozed through his brain.’ More active? I’m not a fan of the verb ‘causing’, it sort of feels forced

Perhaps just ‘In the hills where…’ simpler than ‘hilly farmland.’, and you’ve already established its farmland in an earlier sentence

**
Love the way you describe the feeling of despair pouring into his heart – very visual :)

I think you could just say ‘However, he was no longer anxious…’ instead of ‘he wasn’t in anxiety not anymore’

‘in a spot of neither choices’, a little ambiguous, again not too sure

I like the raucous calls and swooshing wind! Also the cold breeze ‘bringing the fetor of dead’ (maybe ‘death’ though? Or ‘of the dead’)

I think you mean ‘before winding his way’ instead of ‘before wound’ in sentence ‘He backed off….

Great personification of the wind stroking them! ‘cold and damp’ :)

Also good description of how Atarin is feeling – ‘in his heart’ – this paragraph had quite strong emotional intensity

‘Despite of the’ → reword to ‘In spite of the’ or else simply ‘Despite’

‘The work of searching his sister’ perhaps you mean ‘The task to find his sister’ or ‘The work to search for his sister…’

‘The door creaked lightly’ perhaps ‘softly’ would describe it better?

Nice tension in this part and very atmospheric!

‘disaster that stole his everything’ → perhaps you mean ‘disaster that stole everything he owned and loved’??

‘where all bookshelves were set along the walls’ → perhaps simpler would be ‘dim room, with bookshelves set along the walls.’

‘his silent walk without any sound’ → I’d say either ‘silent’ or ‘without any sound’, as they both mean the same thing so the point is basically repeated

‘vaguely but annoyingly’ → perhaps simply ‘vague but annoying.’ Conveys the point but less wordy?

Really good atmosphere when you talk about the dark night, so dark and unlike any other! Then high tension with the ‘Crash’

‘got nothing to do’ → perhaps you mean ‘with nothing else to do’

‘kept picturing in his mind’ → either ‘he kept picturing the vision of the shadowy figure it in his mind’ or ‘.. the vision kept appearing in his mind’

Tense here; add ::had:: → ‘She was the poor woman who had grabbed his foot…’

Nice hook to finish!

upforgrabs wrote 663 days ago

“The only thing he knew as he chunked his eyes open was darkness.” – Ok, right off the bat we have a word I don’t know, and upon running it through Word’s thesaurus I find that it doesn’t have quite the meaning you intend it to have. “chunk” (noun) means “hunk,” mass,” “lump”; as a verb its meaning is to “break apart,” “cut up.” So this verb makes no sense, in the context. Why not go for a straightforward word instead?
Here, I think, is a more dramatic opening line –> “As he opened his eyes, the first thing he knew was darkness.”

“But as he tried hard to push himself against the paved street he heeded corpses between dark red blood around him.”
1 , How do you push yourself *against* a street? Do you mean to push *along* - as in, to stagger, stumble? I wouldn’t have “tried hard,” also – just “tried.”
2, “heeded corpses” – why “heeded” ? To heed is to observe something, but it’s a more passive verb than “see”. So: “he saw corpses.”
3, “between dark red blood around him” – what you mean to say is, there’s lots of puddles of blood along the street which is littered with corpses.
4 –> My phrasing of this sentence: “But as he stumbled along the paved street he saw corpses littering the street around him, between shimmering puddles of dark red blood.”
Ok, that sentence isn’t fantastic but it’s a great improvement on the previous and it makes sense to the reader.

So, here we have your first paragraph:
“As he opened his eyes, the first thing he knew was darkness. But as he stumbled along the pavement he saw corpses littering the street around him, between shimmering puddles of red blood.”

“His muscles ached the more he tried to thrust the ground to stand.” – Another nonsensical sentence. I get the muscle aching part, but how do you “thrust the ground”? Maybe you mean to say he’s on the point of collapsing and the more he tries to stay upright the more tired he gets. –> “He pushed himself along, his body sagging. The more he forced himself to stand upright, the more his back bent under the load of weariness.”
Again, not a sentence worthy of Dickens but at least the meaning is clearer.

I like “the towering heights of pines”, but actually on closer inspection that’s another thing that doesn’t make much sense – what’s a “towering height” ? You mean to say the pines are towering.
> “Towering pines loomed between wrecked wooden houses along the street.”

“… were haunting him, backlit by moonlight, as if something would come out of it all of a sudden, much to his fear.” – This sentence is WAY complex and again, I’m having to work my brain to guess its meaning. So: he’s being haunted by towering pines behind wrecked wooden houses. The pines (and presumably the houses, too) are backlit by moonlight. “as if something would come out of it all to a sudden” – out of what? There is no single “it” in this sentence, only plural “they,” the trees. The trees are the subject of this passage; the character is the object.. And he’s scared that something might come out of the darkness – that needs to be a separate sentence. It’ll make it more dramatic.
I’m going to have a go at rephrasing this to make it sensible.
> “Towering pines loomed behind the burned-out shells of wooden houses along the street. Ghostly moonlight shone on their branches and bristles, lending the scene an eerie, otherworldly aura. As he walked, he could not take his eyes off them: he felt haunted by their presence. The darkness seemed to close in all around him, and he had a foreboding that something might come lurching out at any minute…”
Ok, not a patch on Stephen King but it’s a LOT easier to follow, and does a better job of creating tension. Here you are focusing on several things, individually not all at once: the towering pines, the moonlight, his sense of foreboding.

“While he staggering over the” – I shouldn’t need to tell you why this is wrong. Wrong tense! –> “While he staggered”

“… over the corpses of his families and friends”
1, you’ve used the word “corpse” already, right at the beginning of this chapter; don’t use it again.
2, “families and friends” – you mean he’s got more than one family? Not likely. One always says “family and friends”.
> “While he staggered over the stiff forms of family and friends”

“he learnt that he had to run”
1, I prefer “learned”, personally – I’m not a fan of verbs ending “t.”
2, He “learned” that he had to run? How? Why? What suddenly made him realise he had to run? Did he see something, hear something? Did he feel a sudden rush of fear and loss of sense? Complete gap of logic here.

“He was too scared to linger, but he was barely strong enough to evade the rage of this monster, a witch.” – I’m not sure what you’re saying here. So he’s too scared to stay where he is, I get that. But he’s being pursued by someone – a witch. But how do you “evade the rage” of someone? You mean he has just enough energy to stay two steps ahead of this pursuing monster, but, presumably, not enough not to be able to fight it. Also: I would have “afraid” rather than “scared.”
> “He was too scared to linger, but he had just enough strength in him to keep ahead of this monster, this witch.”

Ok, this is where I’m stopping. I could continue to dissect the rest of the chapter in like manner but I have a lot of other reads to do and I only allot myself a certain amount of time with each one. I’d like to applaud you for taking up the very difficult challenge of writing – like many of life’s challenges, one that never ends, and the best anybody can ever hope for is to get better at it with practice. For a 17-year-old writer, I think you have something. If I was to read some of the stuff I wrote when I was your age, I know I would be embarrassed. Frankly, I’m embarrassed by some of the stuff I wrote just last year, and I am continually reworking the weaker parts of Tamria now. I believe I am only just beginning to develop a critical eye towards my own writing, as well as that of others, and that’s why it's only starting to look good *now*.

I should add, I have never attended a creative writing course, only got average English GCSE grades and A-levels, and am a completely self-taught writer. That is, I’ve picked up everything I know from reading books on writing, talking to other writers (on Authonomy, and in the real world), and from reading published books and seeing what works and what doesn’t. I don’t lay claim to any particular talent, I’m just an ordinary guy with an ordinary intellect who’s trying damn hard to produce (I hope!) above-ordinary writing. So believe me when I say that I think you, too, could get to my standard – if you’re willing to work at it, and invest the time. For me, that’s been about 10 years…

You need to develop a critical eye towards your writing if you’re to produce prose that’s readable. Unfortunately, in its current form none of this is readable. However, neither are the melodies produced by junior musicians pleasant to listen to. This is a good analogy, because I am a pianist myself (Grade 8, 20 years), and I can tell you my parents would wince when I started playing. Now, I play Chopin, Beethoven, Debussy, Mozart, Scott Joplin, Elton John. It took time, work and patience to get to that level. So many people wrongly assume that with writing you can just “pick it up” and produce fiction worthy of publication easily because, hey, we’re all taught to write at school! And we do some writing to some extent every day of our lives! But no, writing is an art-form like any other, and no one becomes brilliant at it overnight. So don’t be disheartened by my words.

Before doing any more serious writing, I would recommend that you learn as much about the rules of language as you can – grammar, sentence structure, tenses, syntax. I’m not such a brilliant grammarian myself – I have a pretty good eye generally but I sometimes miss things and I’m constantly learning things I didn’t know. Also I would suggest you absorb as much *quality* fiction as possible, to see how good writers write. Learn from observation – that goes for any trade, it applies here. And just experiment at writing, learn what sounds good and what doesn’t through trial and error. That’s how I did it. And if you ever compare my writing of today with my writing of yesterday, you’ll see the results speak for themselves!

Best

James
“Tamria”

http://authonomy.com/books/42617/tamria-book-one/

chevalier94 wrote 665 days ago

Ok started reading the first chapter, you need to rewrite. Tenses don't make sense. you are missing important linking words,and have used a lot of words that make no sense in the context of the sentence. I won't say anything about punctuation because that is a huge weak spot of mine. Overall I found this very confusing and difficult to read. It looks like you have a good storyline but you really need to clear things up. If you want I will go onto more detail on what I found confusing. Good luck!!! Keep writing till you got it. Jesse-Son of Cain



Thanks so much, you're opening my eyes...
I'll mend it soon... But I need more detail, thanks

Scratchingthesurface wrote 666 days ago

Ok started reading the first chapter, you need to rewrite. Tenses don't make sense. you are missing important linking words,and have used a lot of words that make no sense in the context of the sentence. I won't say anything about punctuation because that is a huge weak spot of mine. Overall I found this very confusing and difficult to read. It looks like you have a good storyline but you really need to clear things up. If you want I will go onto more detail on what I found confusing. Good luck!!! Keep writing till you got it. Jesse-Son of Cain

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