Sedona

Hi,

I picked to review this for the RCG.

I liked the sound of the plot, the pitch clearly outlined what it was about and who it was aimed at. I thought the characters were all realistic, and easy to get to as the story was from the first person POV.
I found your writing style and the dialogue easy to follow and read, and understand what was happening in the story. In fact your style reminds me of Stephenie Meyer.
I think the pace is good, it slowly builds a picture.

Overall, I liked what I read so far, and will carry on reading :)

Good job getting us right into the story. Really excellent voice for your main character, and strong descriptions.
Critique-wise I did find lots of little stuff, but its all really easy to fix (I just noted things in chapter two):
"shutter" should be "shudder"
avergage should be average
"There was a patio deck leading toward outside" should be something like "There was a patio DOOR opening onto a DECK OUTSIDE."
naturery?
Arizona air in the summer is more commonly super dry than it is muggy, but I suppose it could be muggy sometimes.
painting in the early moment (you meant morning I think)
a light rape on the glass (surely you meant rap)
"If you're things aren't in any of those boxes" should be "If your things...(it'll) they'll be here
first tear fall (cut comma, add period)
As I said, this is the little, easy stuff. Get that out of the way and the rest reads very smoothly, you really bring us into her head and she's thinking about things the reader will also be curious about. Well done!
Tod
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

Read two and a half chapters. You have a great use of jumping into your story and MC. Your descriptions are very vivid as are the emotions of your characters.
Things flow well as you develop everything.
Your book does need some editing, but the story plot is grand.
Super work!

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

P.S. Please take a look at my pirate adventure Driving Winds.

Great opening paragraph and from there the story flow like fluid. Two chapters done. I'll be back

Hi,

I picked to review this for the RCG.

I liked the sound of the plot, the pitch clearly outlined what it was about and who it was aimed at. I thought the characters were all realistic, and easy to get to as the story was from the first person POV.
I found your writing style and the dialogue easy to follow and read, and understand what was happening in the story. In fact your style reminds me of Stephenie Meyer.
I think the pace is good, it slowly builds a picture.

Overall, I liked what I read so far, and will carry on reading :)

YARG review

Hi Chenier,

I only intended to read a coupe of chapters but ended up reading a lot! You have asked not to be critiqued on spelling/grammar so I won't! I really like Abs character and although it takes a while for us to get to know her, she is really enjoyable to follow around.

I enjoyed her relationship with her parents and I wonder how she really will get on with her new sibling...I suspect better than she thinks. But maybe you have something else in mind!?!

Well done, I think this would do well in the YA market

Al Seyers
The Orb Gatherer

RCG crit / review

Hi Chenier, please find below my comments regarding Sedona. I really enjoyed the first three chapters and I will certainly carry on reading. It is not, perhaps, the kind of book that I would normally read, but I really enjoyed it. I dont read through the other comments, so I do apologise if I repeat something that has already been said. Also, bear in mind that mine is just an opinion, so take anything that you feel is helpful and ignore the rest.

Cover/ Pitch: I really like both. I think that it will certainly appeal to your target audience.

Plot: I like this. So many young people will be able to relate to having to do what their parents say, with no control over some things that happen in their lives.

Pacing: I think that the pacing is spot on. I love the last line of the first chapter - it sounds just like something my teenage son would say. It made me chuckle.

Spelling/grammar: Not commented on as requested

Dialogue: I think that the dialogue is very realistic, I could almost hear them talking to each other and the bond between Abby and her parents is very well set out.

Voice/style: I think that there is something very fresh and new in the way that you write, and I really think that that will appeal to your target audience.

Characterisation: Again, I think that your characterisation is good. The people and the story are believable and well told.

Summarisation: I wasnt really expecting to enjoy this, but I did! I think that teeanage girls will really be able to relate and I think that your personality comes through in your writing. Yes, there are spelling and grammatical errors but I am certain that a good editor would be able to help you with that.

Good luck with the book and I wish you every success.

Jules

Good luck with the book,

Plot:

RCG Critique

Chenier - As per your request, I will not comment on grammar or spelling. I have not read YA in a while.
Your pitch is good. What teenager likes to move away from friends and familiarity?
I read the first four chapters. You make it quite clear that Abby doesn't want to be in Arizona and that she is upset with her parents. The difficulty she experiences in staying mad at them and keeping that attitude is so true. It is easy to identify with her.
I wanted to know more about Abby - she's an artist but what does she look like? The Arizona air makes her skin look great - what else can you tell us? Is she the girl next door? Goth? Perhaps you describe her later on.
Your voice is good. Your pace flows.
I will read more as time allows. Good luck with this.
Deb

Hello Chenier Seaton.

I just read the prologue of your book “Sedona” as you had told me to .

You have a good story there ,of a girl who had been ’ transplanted’ into a totally different milieu against her will, but eventually finds it to be a life changing experience as she goes through various relationships .

#The usages like .>>>>>>>>>>>>>more trials THEN & ………..In more way THEN>>>>>>>>>>are observed a couple of times .(It should have been ‘than’)
#In the 4th para, ………..I took one good look at him IN KNEW he was …..>>>>>>>>>( and?)
#It amazed me how easy well fill in step beside one another>>>>>>>>>>>(not clear)
#I felt AS ** I’d known him forever>>>>(as if )
# relationship TOGETHER>>>( it is redudancy,’together’ is not necessary)
#I found it hard to even BEGAN to think>>>>>>>>>( begin)
# ‘My self ‘ has been written as separate words a couple of times>>>(myself)
3 to forget the PASSED WITH >>>>>>( the past)
#to leave me FOR dead>>>>>>>>>>>>>(‘for’ not required)
# one typo….body could take no ORE >>>>>>>>>(more)
Destiny was INNER Changeable>>>>>>>>>>>>(you mean ‘inter’? if so with what?)

I think what you have uploaded is the first draught and it needs to be edited thoroughly.

As the pitch suggests , the story surely has a romantic tang to it. The penultimate para. , especially the line ‘I was beaten and broken by love’ was outstanding.

Keep writing and refining your craft.

Four stars, for now.

Thx & Rgds

SWORDMUZIC

Chenier,
I've read up to chapter 8, just to let you know, there seems to be some sort of upload error when you reach that chapter. Apart from that, you have the makings of a nice YA story. I think your other comments cover what I would say, but as the story progressed I could identify more with Abby and her angst at being moved to a new place, trying to make new friends. Nice dialogue when she speaks to her friend Meredith as well as when she meets Jeb/Abercrombie for the first time. I think it's a nice little flirting scene. Anyway think this will do well with the YA crowd and with polishing and editing (as we all have to do) it should do well. All the best.
G

Sedona: (YARG)

Ok, I’ve read the first four chapters. I’m not going to give you glowing praise, because although I know you’ve got a great story here, it’s just come on board, so I think I’m reaching a less polished version. That’s ok - mine was pretty unpolished to begin with too! So I’ll move through the crits, but keep in mind that I still think the story’s pretty good! ☺

Chapter 1

I think you can improve this sentence as: “I wasn’t supposed to be at the ravine, when we met shortly after my move to Sedona.”
… I found myself experiencing their same happiness.” The problem with this sentence is that you’re “telling me” how she feels, rather than showing me.”
I don’t believe an “old soul” is the same as feeling like you know someone forever. I think an old soul is someone who is an old-fashioned romantic. Maybe you do know this, but that means that the causation you’ve implied in the sentence structure is incorrect: she doesn’t feel like she’s known him forever because he’s an old soul. (Because you haven’t explained whether or not she is; and from the disparaging Notebook reference, it would be easily assumed that she’s not)
“Our relationship was so unbelievable that it would be hard to think of it as believable.” This is essentially saying the same thing twice. I think you’d be better off just saying, “I found it hard to believe our relationship was real.”
“I was the dark haired beauty” – it’s a bit off-putting when a first-person narrative MC refers to her own self as a beauty. It might be easier to allow the reader to make that assumption through the dialogue/proclamations of other characters. Here, I would simply write: “I was the raven-haired girl who listened to the Beatles” (I’m not sure the Beatles are “classic” quite yet… but soon)
“But as I known from the beginning/ But secrets…” You start both these sentences with “But.” It’s best to use “But” at the start of the sentence sparsely, as it’s still technically grammatically incorrect. They’re best kept for powerful, turnaround sentences and only when necessary. I’d take it out of the first sentence, at least.
…. To forget the passed with.” – Should be “To forget the past with”
“your destiny was inner changeable” – should be “interchangeable” (also, remove ‘your’ – it’s better just left as “destiny was interchangeable,” or better, yet, “destiny is a fluid, ever-changing thing”
Ok, so the issue with this first chapter is that you tell me everything about Jeb and Trevor, but I don’t know anything about Abby. That’s problematic for two reasons: First, it tells me too much about the boys. You want to infuse that information slowly, giving us more to build on and choose which character we like better, and then have our opinions shift and change. Allow us to make our choices, making us emotionally invested in them, rather than just laying them out for us. Second, I want to know Abby, I want to know that she’s deserving of two great loves, before I care that she’s been hurt by it. In short, I think you need to be more oblique, and much briefer in this opening prologue. Also, I’ve read the first chapter, and now I know exactly how it’s going to end. I know the last couple of sentences are good, but, well… it kind of ruins the story.

Chapter 2:

You really hit your stride with chapter 2. I liked it.
The cheery voices of my parents – could be simplified to “my parents’ cheery voices”
Smuggled to death – I’m not sure what this means. Do you mean smothered to death? Or just suffocated from the heat? Smuggled means taken/abducted.
... but I was born with a sense of civilization. Should be “a sense of civility”
“It as if it came from nature…. - a few typos here, but also “came from nature” doesn’t really make sense, since all houses sort of come from nature at some point. I like “lots of natural light and space though” – maybe just leave it at that.
A great ending to chapter 2. ☺

Chapter 3:
Might work better as: “The sky was grazed with streaks of pinks and purple, frayed with blue at the very tips”
“The door creaked open eerily as I opened it….” Take out the first open.
“whiff of the naturery fresh Arizona air” – I think maybe you mean naturally fresh? Either way, outdoor air should always be ‘naturally’ fresh – so maybe just leave it as fresh Arizona air.


Chapter 4:

“For some reason, I didn’t want them to feel bad….” – You don’t need for some reason here. It’s implied that because she’s a decent person, she’s not going to make her parents feel bad about it.

Ok, that’s all I’ve had time for so far, but I hope it helps.

Chenier,
Here for our read swap. I am through the sixth Autho chapter. There is a lot here that is similar to my own book. Both of our MCs are moving to a small town and not happy about it. They even both like art :)

I had a hard time connecting to Abby because I wasn't sure whether she was getting over her anger about moving or whether she was still pretty upset about it. In her thoughts it seems like she is willing to forgive her parents, but when she talks to them she is angry and rude, especially when they drop the bomb at dinner. Her reaction to that news really put me off and made it hard to sympathize with her. That is just me, and I am certainly not in your target audience, but I feel like I should put that out there anyway.

I'm not sure how I felt about the prologue. It was definitely 'telling' rather than 'showing' and it seemed to tell a lot of the meat of the romance part of the story beforehand, and Abby's voice that comes through pretty clearly in the other chapters is missing from the prologue.

I hope you take these comments in the constructive manner in which they are meant. Thanks for swapping.
Kate
Fade

Oh, I like this! Good, short punchy chapters full of rich detail and an almost off-hand way of throwing information into the story. The style is fresh and effortless and makes for a very easy read.

Some of the imagery is very powerful. That off-hand style again gets you re-reading. The air in the Toyota trying to burn us to death (mis-quoted, but roughly that) is fine detail. Love the language too. 'doo-hickies'. New one for me. Love it.

I've starred and backed the book. I hope we get to read the whole thing. Fine writing.