Pimps, Beggars and Bones

Hello, Arne
That is extremely generous of you! I hope I am deserving of such support.
Let me add that I find errors in my chapters every day so I am not trying to sound like I know everything.
I am happy to comment on your other chapters as we go along.

One easy way to start looking at compounded words is that you have to notice if you are making one noun out of two separate words:
twenty one = is he 20 or 1; no, he's 21 = so you have to join the 2 numbers: twenty-one.

heavy set = is he just heavy, or just set? = neither, because he is heavy-set.

clean cut; is he clean or just cut? = neither, he is clean-cut.

he is wearing a long sleeve shirt; is he wearing a long? no. is he wearing a sleeve? no = he is wearing a long-sleeve shirt.

BUT, we say: I want a shirt with long sleeves (because here, long is an adjective, describing the sleeves - a noun).

a two mile walk : is it a mile walk or a two walk? = neither, it is a two-mile walk.
It is a thirty-minute job. OR the job took thirty minutes (notice now how thirty reverts to being an adjective)

you need to hear if you have an adjective qualifiying a noun - or if you are making a noun composed of two words.

He gave me a two-word answer (compound noun).
I have two words for you (two is an adjective qualifying "words")

That should get you through most of the examples but is not the definitive answer.

You did have some in Ch 1:
ass-whipping
T-shirt
half-cocked
although down-town can now be written as "downtown" since it has come into one-word usage.

One way to check is to stick two words together (like downtown) and your spell checker will alert you if that is not acceptable. Then you can join 2 words with a hyphen. That will help you sort out the ones like downtown.

I am not sure I should be cherry-picked since I was pretty harsh on you yesterday, Arne!

Ignore my comments about nothing happening in Ch 1 as I am an impatient reader. You certainly do have the start of something here.

But if you want to get professionals to read your work, then there must be no, or virtually no, grammar and punctuation errors. You are competing with too many people who have had their work thoroughly screened for such things.

Good luck!
Jane Mauret
UGLY IN PARADISE

Hello, Arne
This is reading much better. There are still some punctuation problems but not nearly as many.

Don’t worry about short sentences. That can add power to a scene as long as they are not overused.

However, some words that need compounding:
twenty one years old = twenty-one
heavy set = heavy-set
long sleeve = long-sleeve (this is not the same as “a long sleeve”)
western wear = Western-wear
dress shirt = dress-shirt
his Black wavy = his black, wavy

“His two friends standing behind him” sounds clumsy; say perhaps “The two friends standing behind him”
Clean cut = clean-cut
two mile = two-mile
hot shot = hotshot
all night diner = all-night diner
twenty four hours = twenty-four hours

another slice, we both said no = another slice; we both said no (the pause is longer than a comma – you should be able to hear it) or you could say “slice, but we both …”

your boy Derek doesn’t = your boy, Derek, doesn’t (this is similar to: the writer, Arne Lash, went to ..."
best interest = best interests (I think it is usually plural)
mother hen = mother-hen

Not sure if “careful of” is correct; we are usually careful with or about. You could also say “wary of”

This was better to read second time around but I feel not enough happens in Ch 1 to keep the reader interested.
I feel no desire to go on to Ch 2 at all.

What happens in Ch1:
someone plays a prank.

they nearly fight with 3 strangers for no reason at all it seems to me. I find it hard to swallow that this guy who is so wrapped up in his job, etc, would decide to fight at the drop of a hat.

we hear our MC doesn't like Chris.

We get a bit of background about Chris and Derek.

they discuss where they'll eat breakfast. this comes across odd when just before they were all geared up to flatten some guys. (see comment above about Matt and his job, etc).

Matt goes and meets Tre and eats pizza.

Did I leave anything out?

I think you need to tighten up the writing because your reader needs to care about the characters and story by the end of Ch 1.

Mine is only one opinion and I know that others say the opposite! You have to decidd which way you want to go. All I know is that I have come across some books here where the first Ch is so good, I keep reading up to Ch 5 and 6 without even noticing.

I don't feel the long pitch is that inviting; in fact, the long pitch is a reflection of the writing in the book. We don't need to read "he has an active social life";"after leaving a bar on Saturday night"; a homeless man that lives there", etc. "they begin to see each other after he is released from hospital."
Just pick out the most salient and EXCITING phrases. You don't have to fill up the whole space allocated for the long pitch - unless is absolutely necessary - and it is not necessary here.

I nearly forgot to say that characters in books can't speak as we do in real life - in real life there is mainly dross. At the moment, there is a lot of dross here too. All this talk of breakfast and pizzas sounds like a bunch of old people who have nothing better to fill their days with!

I look forward to your backing me as promised as I have done a second comprehensive commentary.

Good luck.
Jane Mauret
UGLY IN PARADISE

I'm impressed, Arne, I really am. This is first-rate writing. As others have noted, you have built up your characters - so that we actually care about them - before plunging into the action. I wasn't sure I liked Matt at first - he seemed a bit of a "geezer" whose only interests were cars, fighting and describing his tattoes - and I certainly wasn't sure that Chris qualified as one of his "two best friends" in your long pitch, but these two nits aside, this is very polished, very readable piece of work. Yes, you could cut back on the descriptions of the 3 heroes and their 3 protagonists in chap 1, and yes, you still need a light edit to correct a few typos (e.g. chap 1, "a man of unparallED fortitude"..."fists clEnched" etc) but this is nevertheless a highly enjoyable read. 6 stars and on my list for future shelving.

Joe Kovacs
Ginger the Buddha Cat

p.s. anyone who can get an orange striped cat into a post-op hallucination is alright by me!

David Price was correct with his 'dude lit' comment - this is excellent BUT having said that - this novel would appeal to women aswell as men. Your writing style (fist person) Arne, is very well done , and not at all distracting, you don't use 'I' too much at beginning paragraphs. Your style is witty, dialogue authentic, descriptions fantastic. i'm very impressed. Best of luck with this, you are a promising and talented writer. AJB

{Pimps, Beggars and Bones} – Arne Lash

I really like the idea of this book; the pitch definitely had me intrigued. I’ve read three chapters and so far so good – it feels like you’re laying the grounds for what is going to unravel to be quite a complex and interesting story! Mystery is building already, and I look forward to reading on and seeing how the story will unfold.

High stars already and thank you so much for your support of Dawn of Destruction! I’ve also made some more detailed notes for you that I hope you’ll find useful – edit notes are all just suggestions of course, so feel free to take or leave anything :)
Sincerely,
Cara
---

**Chapter 1

Great opening paragraphs – I also love the name of the club, “Hell”. There is tension at the very beginning with the trio who pull the prank (you make it seem real at first and trick the reader, which is great!) Then I did think the tension relaxed a little, as the characters and their appearances are described. If there is a way to perhaps tighten up this description I think the entire chapter might be more engaging as a whole – but overall you still caught my attention and maintained interest.

Edit notes:

Perhaps ‘there stands a cigar shop’ so store isn’t repeated in sentence, then with ‘clothing stores’

I’d say; ‘When we were done laughing, we looked at them, to find them staring back at us.’ Avoids repetition of ‘were’ in stentence

‘My blonde hair is cut short’ should be ‘blond’ because this is a guy (no e)

Para ‘Derek is… ‘ there are several mentions of muscles/muscular in the first bit, perhaps reword to avoid repetition, or say more succinctly? For instance you could say ‘and a solid but toned two hundred and twenty pounds.’ Perhaps?

‘Derrick’ is this a typo?

‘A waitress walked over…’ in this sentence ‘walked is repeated and also ‘and’, perhaps;
‘A waitress approached, set a large cheese pizza in front of us, then smiled at me before walking away.’

I think change tense here; ‘I looked over at Bill, who ::had finished::’ instead of ‘was’

Comma btwn names; ‘You should stay clear of Chris, Matt,…

Capitalize ‘Mike’ in last paragraph

**Chapter 2

A shorter chapter, nice and tense! I like some of the images here and also the foreboding mood you build from the beginning.

Edit notes:

I’d split sentence ‘Moisture was forming…’ after ‘either side of the street.’ And reword next bit; ‘Despite the damp dew in the air and the chilly wind, I was sweating.’ → less wordy and more active?

I’d change to active voice here; ‘but a strong wind blew fresh air into the alley…’

Also ‘Rats scurried’ instead of ‘were scurrying’ (though this is just a stylistic point!)

Perhaps; ‘the wind blew the leaves across the cobbles’ instead of ‘cobble stone’, shorter word fits the tense mood more maybe?

Lowercase ‘they’ for ‘They said together.’

I’d make this active as follows; ‘Blood poured down my face, stinging my eyes and leaving a metallic taste upon my tongue.’

**Chapter 3

I like the humourous touch when the nurse comes in; ‘So you thought that you had dreamt me up in one of your nightmares, awesome.’ This was a bit of comic relief!

Also good mystery is developed when the doctor says that the bills are being paid for by a friend – plus there is the mystery of how he got there in the first instance!

Edit notes:

I’d reword first part of opening line to avoid repetition of ‘began’; ‘The darkness dissipated and light began to fill my vision, gradually…

Also perhaps more active; ‘Noise filled the air, and I couldn’t….’ (also removes repetition of ‘was’)

Her hair was blond → should be ‘blonde’ with an e now, as she’s a female (UK English that is)

I think tense should be ‘was all that I could muster’ instead of ‘is’

Lower case ‘he’ for He asked when the doctor comes in (“How are you?”)

I think separate by a comma; “I will be out of here in a few days?” I asked, disappointed.

I dunno what you've done, Arne, but your first chapter is TONS improved - there's a real flow to it now, and the narrative is far tighter. Yes, you may need to sort out your tenses (try and keep the 3rd person constant, e.g. 'I'D BEGUN working with my dad...'; Chris HADN'T had a job..') and yes, some words are in caps when lower case are more appropriate (black, wavy hair...just chillin') but it's coming along very nicely. Oh, one last suggest, cut back on your more descriptive passages - sometimes, less is more! I'm thinking, in particular, the bit about the guy 'in his mid-twenties.' This might work better as: 'He was not fat, but overweight enough that you could see his gut poking out beneath his black, long-sleeve dress shirt.' Just a suggest, man, feel free to ignore..

Hi Arne, got a bit of spare time tonight, revisiting your book...

First, your long pitch is a LOT better, only have one last suggest: How about breaking it up a little? i.e. insert paragraph breaks at 'He is saved in AN allEy during...'; 'While he is in hospital...' and (after a full stop at 'do with him.') 'He is now the focal point of the CITY'S epidemics...'

okay, revisiting your chap 1 now...

HI.
Read the 4 chapters in one go, hurry up and put up the rest.
Great start to it, you can tell where its going, but your just not sure how its going to get there. I was reading it and was wondering how Chris and Derek's crime dealings were going to play out, and what Tre's involvement with the Cops was.
Good stuff and cannot wait to read more.
Well Done, Andrew,

Hi Arne, I've just read and enjoyed the first four chapters in your book. You've introduced your characters and the story very effectively, and I liked the way you described the fight and Matt waking up in the hospital.

However, for my taste, the first chapter should be more dynamic, not only exposition. I would bring the story forward in some way. Others have already commented on the grammatical mistakes. I can only add that in the first chapter within the same paragraph you stated twice that Matt earned good money, I would delete the last phrase of the paragraph "...and I had more money than I needed."

I wish you luck with your book!,
All the best
Harris
http://authonomy.com/books/46331/irina-s-eye/

Hello, Arne
That is extremely generous of you! I hope I am deserving of such support.
Let me add that I find errors in my chapters every day so I am not trying to sound like I know everything.
I am happy to comment on your other chapters as we go along.

One easy way to start looking at compounded words is that you have to notice if you are making one noun out of two separate words:
twenty one = is he 20 or 1; no, he's 21 = so you have to join the 2 numbers: twenty-one.

heavy set = is he just heavy, or just set? = neither, because he is heavy-set.

clean cut; is he clean or just cut? = neither, he is clean-cut.

he is wearing a long sleeve shirt; is he wearing a long? no. is he wearing a sleeve? no = he is wearing a long-sleeve shirt.

BUT, we say: I want a shirt with long sleeves (because here, long is an adjective, describing the sleeves - a noun).

a two mile walk : is it a mile walk or a two walk? = neither, it is a two-mile walk.
It is a thirty-minute job. OR the job took thirty minutes (notice now how thirty reverts to being an adjective)

you need to hear if you have an adjective qualifiying a noun - or if you are making a noun composed of two words.

He gave me a two-word answer (compound noun).
I have two words for you (two is an adjective qualifying "words")

That should get you through most of the examples but is not the definitive answer.

You did have some in Ch 1:
ass-whipping
T-shirt
half-cocked
although down-town can now be written as "downtown" since it has come into one-word usage.

One way to check is to stick two words together (like downtown) and your spell checker will alert you if that is not acceptable. Then you can join 2 words with a hyphen. That will help you sort out the ones like downtown.

I am not sure I should be cherry-picked since I was pretty harsh on you yesterday, Arne!

Ignore my comments about nothing happening in Ch 1 as I am an impatient reader. You certainly do have the start of something here.

But if you want to get professionals to read your work, then there must be no, or virtually no, grammar and punctuation errors. You are competing with too many people who have had their work thoroughly screened for such things.

Good luck!
Jane Mauret
UGLY IN PARADISE

Hello, Arne
This is reading much better. There are still some punctuation problems but not nearly as many.

Don’t worry about short sentences. That can add power to a scene as long as they are not overused.

However, some words that need compounding:
twenty one years old = twenty-one
heavy set = heavy-set
long sleeve = long-sleeve (this is not the same as “a long sleeve”)
western wear = Western-wear
dress shirt = dress-shirt
his Black wavy = his black, wavy

“His two friends standing behind him” sounds clumsy; say perhaps “The two friends standing behind him”
Clean cut = clean-cut
two mile = two-mile
hot shot = hotshot
all night diner = all-night diner
twenty four hours = twenty-four hours

another slice, we both said no = another slice; we both said no (the pause is longer than a comma – you should be able to hear it) or you could say “slice, but we both …”

your boy Derek doesn’t = your boy, Derek, doesn’t (this is similar to: the writer, Arne Lash, went to ..."
best interest = best interests (I think it is usually plural)
mother hen = mother-hen

Not sure if “careful of” is correct; we are usually careful with or about. You could also say “wary of”

This was better to read second time around but I feel not enough happens in Ch 1 to keep the reader interested.
I feel no desire to go on to Ch 2 at all.

What happens in Ch1:
someone plays a prank.

they nearly fight with 3 strangers for no reason at all it seems to me. I find it hard to swallow that this guy who is so wrapped up in his job, etc, would decide to fight at the drop of a hat.

we hear our MC doesn't like Chris.

We get a bit of background about Chris and Derek.

they discuss where they'll eat breakfast. this comes across odd when just before they were all geared up to flatten some guys. (see comment above about Matt and his job, etc).

Matt goes and meets Tre and eats pizza.

Did I leave anything out?

I think you need to tighten up the writing because your reader needs to care about the characters and story by the end of Ch 1.

Mine is only one opinion and I know that others say the opposite! You have to decidd which way you want to go. All I know is that I have come across some books here where the first Ch is so good, I keep reading up to Ch 5 and 6 without even noticing.

I don't feel the long pitch is that inviting; in fact, the long pitch is a reflection of the writing in the book. We don't need to read "he has an active social life";"after leaving a bar on Saturday night"; a homeless man that lives there", etc. "they begin to see each other after he is released from hospital."
Just pick out the most salient and EXCITING phrases. You don't have to fill up the whole space allocated for the long pitch - unless is absolutely necessary - and it is not necessary here.

I nearly forgot to say that characters in books can't speak as we do in real life - in real life there is mainly dross. At the moment, there is a lot of dross here too. All this talk of breakfast and pizzas sounds like a bunch of old people who have nothing better to fill their days with!

I look forward to your backing me as promised as I have done a second comprehensive commentary.

Good luck.
Jane Mauret
UGLY IN PARADISE

Hi Arne,

I read three chapters.

I enjoyed reading this and there's lots to like. Your writing style is good and works well for this genre, characterisation is strong, first person POV is well-anchored and the dialogue works well for the most part.

I think the storytelling itself is very good, but it is missing a strong narrative arc and as the story itself is a slow-burn, this means reader engagement is not as strong as it could be. Somehow, you need to introduce the main plot themes much earlier.

I would also like to have seen more scene-setting. I know this genre should not be weighed down with over description but I think it needs a little more colour and atmosphere. As an example, the only feel we really get for the club is from its name, 'Hell'. If you could feed in some details [not all in one go!] about lay-out, size, type of customers, floors, bar surface - that kind of thing. Not to over-do it, but brush-strokes as it helps the reader feel part of the scene.

As another reviewer mentioned, I think the dialogue could be made to sound more authentic on the ear - I think the content is good, just the delivery could be pared back.

I particularly like the fact that this story has intriguing plot themes that are very different to the normal formulas [mine included!] but in a way that means you have to work them harder to get early engagement.

I'm only giving you my view and trying to be constructive but please feel free to ignore.

Overall, great writing and lots of potential.

Best wishes,

Terry

A great start to a story. I only read the first two chapters but I like the way you built up the tension in a matter-of-fact way.
Your writing is very fluent and manages to keep up a great pace throughout that captures the attention and keeps on to it.
I like the way you gradually built up the image of the characters, not only in looks, but in their personalities too.
I noticed what I think is a typo in chapter 1 - "Sally's was an all night dinner..." Is that supposed to be diner?
Really good start!
Mike.
(Way Back To Devil's Mountain)

I've read the seven chapters you have up of this. It was not difficult to follow but it's a bit of a slow build. You may want to cut some of the non-vital descriptions and get to the actual story a little faster. From your pitch, the meat of the story is the City's troubles, but the first seven chapters deal mostly with his being in the hospital and meeting the girl, setting up the relationships, etc.

Your dialog feels a bit off because you don't seem to use contractions enough - maybe if you read this out loud you'll see where the contractions would naturally fall. I have a list of typos for you if you'd like to have them messaged.

I am curious to find out how this boy being taken to the hospital by a homeless man turns the city into a drug infested wreck of indigents, though, so if you post more of it let me know!

Hi Arne, I think you could lose the "that was adorned..." bit after "dress shirt", and "showing only the claws" after "the sleeves". Oh, and 'just Chilling' might work better as 'just chillin'". Hope that helps!

Joe

p.s. ask Terry Murphy (Weekend in Weighton) for a swap read. He's your genre and a bloody good bloke.
pps. have you incorporated previous suggests? 'a man of unparalled fortitude' seems unchanged!

I'm impressed, Arne, I really am. This is first-rate writing. As others have noted, you have built up your characters - so that we actually care about them - before plunging into the action. I wasn't sure I liked Matt at first - he seemed a bit of a "geezer" whose only interests were cars, fighting and describing his tattoes - and I certainly wasn't sure that Chris qualified as one of his "two best friends" in your long pitch, but these two nits aside, this is very polished, very readable piece of work. Yes, you could cut back on the descriptions of the 3 heroes and their 3 protagonists in chap 1, and yes, you still need a light edit to correct a few typos (e.g. chap 1, "a man of unparallED fortitude"..."fists clEnched" etc) but this is nevertheless a highly enjoyable read. 6 stars and on my list for future shelving.

Joe Kovacs
Ginger the Buddha Cat

p.s. anyone who can get an orange striped cat into a post-op hallucination is alright by me!

This is a great read Arne. I think the pace of it makes it very filmic and I really like the relationship developing between Olivia & Matt- but hey- why no My Bloody Valentine mentioned in the shoe gazer bands ;)
Was just going to say actually, that's a bit of a long list and is a little bit jarring.
On my shelf!

HI,
I have just read all that you have here. I really enjoyed this. By introducing the characters before the action worked well. The descriptions were spot on. It flows really well, Writing in the first person has been done well, not too many i's. The dialogue feels real, and the reader is pulled into the story quickly.

I will have a shuffle and try and get you on my watch list.. Great read

Kate Off the Rails and back to you.

p.s. if you have time, a little read of mine would be appreciated...

Hi Arne
I have read the first 3 chapters of Pimps, Beggars and Bones.
This is a great guy book, full of nitty gritty detail and a character, Matt, who is on the brink of turning his life around away from the darker side that he has been flirting with. Derek and the unlikable Chris are people who he is being warned to keep away from and as a result of their actions Matt gets jumped. The hospital with the nurse looking after him and the realization a homeless guy saved him are the obvious catalysts for change.
I enjoyed the writing and your style helps build tension and keep the action going. My one crit would be that at times you are a bit too detailed. Sometimes this distracted me from the plot. For example when you describe a character their every detail is painted out, with the two blonde guys outside the club you even give the detail about what side their hair is parted on. For me this makes your sentences long. Your style reminded me of Lee Childs and if you look at his books you will see how crisp and clean he keeps descriptions and how that allows the book to kick along quicker.
Starred and on my Watch List.
D.J
the Ghost Shirt

Hi Arne,

Don’t get an editor yet – or you won’t grow and become a better writer. I think you just need to get you editor’s eye in as you write and you will have a much better piece of writing – here are the things that I always look for when I write and I think you need to look for:

1. Extra words that get in the way and clichés, and repetition – I made a list of examples:

a nearly full bottle of water – why do we care that its nearly full?

blood curdling scream is a cliché and so is ear splitting shriek - clichés detract from the impact rather than add to it (also, “obnoxious sound” doesn’t work for me at all – I would just get rid of it and say scream or sound)

Lying on his back and thrashing around (“in a grotesque manner” – this add on is unnecessary and gets in the way of the action)

Chris and I (instinctively) followed
he advanced toward them /not “the trio” – you already said three just a sentence ago
six feet/ one hundred and ninety pounds – that stuff is for a police report, not a novel – “tall” is better, it gives me an image straight away/ tall and buff/lean/whatever – give us adjectives not numbers

(he was not absurdly fat but overweight enough that) - this whole thing does not need to be there – it gets in the way of the description also the description of his shirt is too long and “wavy” is not a good word to describe a man’s hair – not in the middle of a bar brawl anyway

2. Show don’t tell
“they were getting nervous the closer we got” don’t tell us that – give us some body language that tells us they’re nervous and don’t use the word at all – that’s much more interesting for the reader

it was (very) evident that he had the utmost respect for him – this is a tell not show sentence but if you have to use it very and utmost are not telling me anything

too much detail in the boys’ hair cuts - it is an action scene and too much detail gets in the way of the action – in fact something like “matching haircuts and designer clothes” would do – give the description of them to create the idea that they look the same and don’t tell us that they look like brothers or that they are well-dressed

A final point -
You switch tenses as the MC goes out of the nightclub – that’s a confusing start

My own way (if you’re interested) is to write a bit and then go back the next day and be utterly ruthless. Sometimes I write the whole thing again. I also get into a bit of a trance to “see” what is happening and “feel” it – this gives me better descriptions.

I hope you’re not disappointed with this review – I’m posting it because there isn’t enough room if I send it as a private message, but I am very happy to delete it. I just think you can do better, armed with a little more “editor’s eye.”
Good luck.

Yep, yep, Dude lit. I will finish this. Well written and mood driven. Like the tender trio'. I would pick this up to finish in a heartbeat.

Arne,
A gritty, basic book this, the characters salt-of-the-earth types given to live hard, play hard, die hard. Your protagonist Matt using a first person POV that reveals much of how his mind works, conceals behind his tough exterior a sympathetic character one can't help but cheer on. The narrative has an easy conversational tone, the dialogue fitting in where needed. Thank you so much for the engaging read.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Arne,

I've just read your opening chapter. Here are my thoughts:

You write wonderfully well here. Your prose has a very smooth, unhurried flow to it, the "voice" of Matt shining through from the first few sentences - I can tell aleady that he is going to be a very sympathetic character, and a great MC for the story.) You have an uncanny knack, in the same unassuming and natural style, of describing people and places, be it the street at night, the inside of a bar or the characters that people these early pages, which really gives the reader a clear idea of where they are in time and place. You do this with great attention to detail, but it doesn't seem to drag on the natural development of the story - no easy task.

The one thing that struck me most about the opening chapter (after reading your synopsis) was the pacing and structuring, in the sense of starting off with something that really grabs the reader's attention (something most agents of publishers seem to insist on these days.) With this in mind, perhaps, you might be better opening with the horrific attack on Matt, then, perhaps in hosptial, having him relay the events of the night, leading up to him being beaten up. Not sure. But action is always a surefire way of making a reader want to read on,

On a technical front, you have a tendency to miss out commas at the end of sentences, especially where a name is mentioned. Example (and there are quite a lot of them) '...every time man' as opposed to 'every time, man' and 'everything isn't it?', 'everything, isn't it? Also, watch out for cliches. Early on, you use 'blood curdling scream' and a sentence or two later, a spider and web similie (which, if removed, wouldn't really detract from what you're trying to get across.) 'Drunk brawl' 'Drunken brawl.'

That said, you write with great style. Highly readable. I really liked the sound of your pitches, long and short (one typo I noticed, ally instead of alley), and would defintely have read on if I had more time.

Best of luck with it

Regards

Neil

The Holy Drinker/ The Butterfly and the Wheel

Hi Arne, a bit short on time, so just your "pitch" tonight...

Suggested changes for long pitch: "...but when he is jumped in an allEy by three thugs after leaving a bar, his life of ease slowly begins to unravel. Saved by Roosevelt, a homeless man whom he later befriends, he gains new hope when he meets the girl of his dreams in hospital. But then she leaves the city (WHAT CITY?) for Seattle, and he soon discovers that things over the past two years were not entirely what they had appeared to be - and that he is the focal point of the city's epidemics (OF DRUGS AND HOMELESSNESS?)

(I would end it on a question. What can he do? Will his love for others bring him happiness or everyone else ruin?) Good luck, Arne!

oh, I loved a quick glimpse at chap 1, just six-starred you, hope it helps...

David Price was correct with his 'dude lit' comment - this is excellent BUT having said that - this novel would appeal to women aswell as men. Your writing style (fist person) Arne, is very well done , and not at all distracting, you don't use 'I' too much at beginning paragraphs. Your style is witty, dialogue authentic, descriptions fantastic. i'm very impressed. Best of luck with this, you are a promising and talented writer. AJB

Pimps, Beggars and Bones by Arne Lash
(are you related to Jennifer Lash?).
Just a few grammar queries:
Hall’s go – halls go (no apostrophe as it is not the genitive case)
Self control = self-control
Jay walker = jaywalker

“... like a spider hoping for an unsuspecting insect to wander into its web.”

This sounds like a cliché too far. Also, we go from two cops to one spider so if the numbers even up, it would sound better. I don’t think you need this long extra bit. Writing is about pulling back, rather than plumping up (according to me!).

“into the street, soon. = into the street soon.

This fool Matt = this fool, Matt?

A scream has been introduced to us, then we have to wait another 10-11 lines before we get back to it. I am not certain we need to hear all about the shops, etc, at that stage. Yes, we get to know it was a prank, but still.

Also, “… start a fight at a moment’s notice for whatever reason he could find, no matter if it were a terrific one or not.” This is a quite repetitive and could easily end after “whatever reason”. It would have more power rather than being drowned by a few other phrases that do not add to thet meaning.

Then we have the long paragraph about how much Chris admires Derek which could be shortened too.

I didn’t read too much more, Arne, not to be mean, but I felt I was reading a first draft. I only write down things here which jar and I sensed it would be a hard row to hoe if I stopped at every point. I know these things seem small on their own, but when they are frequent, they spoil any merit the piece may have.

I have had to go over my first 6 chapters at least 15 times to try and eradicate errors - but that does not mean some still remain. It is the worst part of writing. I feel you have a story on the boil, Arne, and I look forward to reading an edited version. Good luck.
Jane Mauret
UGLY IN PARADISE

Arne, I've read chapter 1 today. The first thing I have to say is that I think we need a new genre on authonomy. The women have had 'chick lit' for years, so maybe it's time we celebrated 'dude lit'? I say this because your writing has a very masculine quality, direct and to the point, and I think that's a good thing.
I've made some notes as I read through. There is a spelling mistake in the long pitch. 'Ally' should be 'alley'. I also think you could shorten the long pitch, without losing any of its power. Just because you are allowed 200 words, doesn't necessarily mean you need to use them. Sometimes, less is more, and some of your sentences in the long pitch are very long and a bit unwieldy. And first impressions count - a lot of potential readers will judge you on your pitches alone.
As for the chapter, great opening line - it really sets the tone so succinctly! There is also some good character description and the plot tension builds nicely right up until the lovely closing line.
There is another typo - actually I think you are missing the word 'to' - in the sentence '..if you learn how gently navigate around the obstacles in your way..'
There are also some minor issues with punctuation and pronouns. The section beginning '..a blood curdling scream..' needs to be looked at. You refer to two cops, but the analogy you use relates to just one spider. So how about this: '..a blood curdling scream pierced my ears and startled the entire block, including two cops standing on the opposite side of the street, eagerly awaiting drunk jay walkers, like spiders hoping for unsuspecting insects to wander into their web.'
The only other thing I think you need to be aware of is unnecessary repetition. In the sentence 'I began working with my Dad about five months ago, helping him remodel houses', you don't need the last bit as you've already told us, several paragraphs earlier, that you are 'in decent shape, from remodelling houses with my dad'.
A promising start though, and I'll read more soon - in between Olympic events!
David
MASTER ACT: a memoir

Pimps, Beggars and Bones

I am attracted to the premise of this book and I enjoyed the first chapter, but I’m not sold on the title. It’s too long, it’s hard to say (a tongue twister!), and the word “pimps” is ugly and off-putting. What about cutting It to BEGGARS AND BONES? That has a much bolder, stronger, more commercial ring to it. It’s intriguing, too. Just a suggestion…

Next, the pitch is more like a synopsis than a pitch…it tells me what happens in the book pretty successfully, but not what it all means, what the book is about. Also the last couple of sentences are confusing and make me not want to read on, it would be better to simplify those plot points and tell us less. The marketing pitch is “what is the message?” I.e., What does Matt learn from all this? How does he evolve? What is the lesson of the book? FYI the sentence “He is saved in the ALLEY (typo) during the assault…” ends with a dangling participle, sounds a bit wonky.

The first sentence, which means so much, is BRILLIANT. I like the voice, it’s attractive. You do need a copy edit for grammar and spelling, but the story has very good potential so I hope you keep working on it. You have a natural flair and talent for story telling. I like your descriptions too, you have a good eye for evocative details.

High stars and on my WL. ~Gail SECRETS WE KEEP

{Pimps, Beggars and Bones} – Arne Lash

I really like the idea of this book; the pitch definitely had me intrigued. I’ve read three chapters and so far so good – it feels like you’re laying the grounds for what is going to unravel to be quite a complex and interesting story! Mystery is building already, and I look forward to reading on and seeing how the story will unfold.

High stars already and thank you so much for your support of Dawn of Destruction! I’ve also made some more detailed notes for you that I hope you’ll find useful – edit notes are all just suggestions of course, so feel free to take or leave anything :)
Sincerely,
Cara
---

**Chapter 1

Great opening paragraphs – I also love the name of the club, “Hell”. There is tension at the very beginning with the trio who pull the prank (you make it seem real at first and trick the reader, which is great!) Then I did think the tension relaxed a little, as the characters and their appearances are described. If there is a way to perhaps tighten up this description I think the entire chapter might be more engaging as a whole – but overall you still caught my attention and maintained interest.

Edit notes:

Perhaps ‘there stands a cigar shop’ so store isn’t repeated in sentence, then with ‘clothing stores’

I’d say; ‘When we were done laughing, we looked at them, to find them staring back at us.’ Avoids repetition of ‘were’ in stentence

‘My blonde hair is cut short’ should be ‘blond’ because this is a guy (no e)

Para ‘Derek is… ‘ there are several mentions of muscles/muscular in the first bit, perhaps reword to avoid repetition, or say more succinctly? For instance you could say ‘and a solid but toned two hundred and twenty pounds.’ Perhaps?

‘Derrick’ is this a typo?

‘A waitress walked over…’ in this sentence ‘walked is repeated and also ‘and’, perhaps;
‘A waitress approached, set a large cheese pizza in front of us, then smiled at me before walking away.’

I think change tense here; ‘I looked over at Bill, who ::had finished::’ instead of ‘was’

Comma btwn names; ‘You should stay clear of Chris, Matt,…

Capitalize ‘Mike’ in last paragraph

**Chapter 2

A shorter chapter, nice and tense! I like some of the images here and also the foreboding mood you build from the beginning.

Edit notes:

I’d split sentence ‘Moisture was forming…’ after ‘either side of the street.’ And reword next bit; ‘Despite the damp dew in the air and the chilly wind, I was sweating.’ → less wordy and more active?

I’d change to active voice here; ‘but a strong wind blew fresh air into the alley…’

Also ‘Rats scurried’ instead of ‘were scurrying’ (though this is just a stylistic point!)

Perhaps; ‘the wind blew the leaves across the cobbles’ instead of ‘cobble stone’, shorter word fits the tense mood more maybe?

Lowercase ‘they’ for ‘They said together.’

I’d make this active as follows; ‘Blood poured down my face, stinging my eyes and leaving a metallic taste upon my tongue.’

**Chapter 3

I like the humourous touch when the nurse comes in; ‘So you thought that you had dreamt me up in one of your nightmares, awesome.’ This was a bit of comic relief!

Also good mystery is developed when the doctor says that the bills are being paid for by a friend – plus there is the mystery of how he got there in the first instance!

Edit notes:

I’d reword first part of opening line to avoid repetition of ‘began’; ‘The darkness dissipated and light began to fill my vision, gradually…

Also perhaps more active; ‘Noise filled the air, and I couldn’t….’ (also removes repetition of ‘was’)

Her hair was blond → should be ‘blonde’ with an e now, as she’s a female (UK English that is)

I think tense should be ‘was all that I could muster’ instead of ‘is’

Lower case ‘he’ for He asked when the doctor comes in (“How are you?”)

I think separate by a comma; “I will be out of here in a few days?” I asked, disappointed.

Chapter 4 done.

I would love to have a friend like Derek but not the drugs pushers and homeless good for nothing slackers. They are moving in my city as well. Its a shame people end up that way.

I'm back to read more of this fabulous book, Pimps, Beggars and Bones

Just read three chapters and enjoyed them. I will say however that this is definately in need of a decent edit. The dialogue at times feels a little forced and unnatural. There were a couple of mistakes like fluctuating between 'derek' and 'derrick' in chp 1.
I liked the set up though, and i like where the story is going. It feels like a very good idea, and like the early stages of a very good novel. I will read more another night and will keep on my WL

Pimps, Beggars and Bones.
By Arne Lash.


A nice start with the scene at the ‘Hell’ night club, the dialogue between Matt and Derrick comes over nicely as does the view of the night scene as they make their way outside to be confronted by the usual problems of late night revelry.
I liked the description of Chris’s motorcycle ‘A crotch rocket’...never heard that before.
A good all round description of Deana, the Milo’s waitress, easy going but beautiful all the same.
Sounds like half the town’s been through her though from what I gathered.
Matt has more on his mind really, like why is he being warned off of getting too involved with Chris—I also wonder!

...”You should stay clear of Chris Matt,” Tre told me ... Comma after ‘Chris’ required.
...”I will brother; I don’t care much for him anyway...” Comma required after ‘will’.

I like the style of your writing, the dialogue, the description and voice, they all shine through and the storyline itself is an interesting read.
I have been getting trouble with the site so I will have to come back to it again...no problem!
What I have read so far is a well written crime thriller, certainly to my liking.
Many stars for now! Well done, Arne!

Best regards,

Neville. The Secrets of the Forest – The Time Zone.

Thank you for this comment. It is extremely helpful and I am going to revisit the pitch and see if I can spruce it up a bit. Thank you again.

the long pitch is good. it is over-telling, though, at points. build it. tell it to us larger than life and give us a reason to choose it! good premise and message and well developed.
j
what every woman should know

the long pitch is good. it is over-telling, though, at points. build it. tell it to us larger than life and give us a reason to choose it! good premise and message and well developed.
j
what every woman should know

This has got a vigour to it that is entertaining, but it really needs a good polish.
For example, your tenses slip back and forth between oresent and past. It is ever so easy to do, but you do need to pick a time-frame (now, or then) and stick to it.
  "  I was just about to reassure ... insect to wander into its web." Your sentence structure in this paragraph needs revisiting.
"was always looking for a fight" - repetition.
Not sure this is the point where you want a lot of description of the dramatis personi - I think it gets in the way of the drama (but I know there are some who will enjoy all the description you can give).
"helping him remodel houses." - repetition
"gives him a hard time." repetition
Try not to start a sentence with 'and'.

Good luck with this Arne,

Lindsay
A Priest's Tale

PIMPS, BEGGARS & BONES
This is a good beginning for a story. I like the way you introduce your characters before the assault, rather than beginning with that as so many other writers would have done. Gives a reader time to get acquainted with everyone the way they are in their regular lives before everything changes with the assault. Matt is a good main character; he’s likable because he defends his friends’ actions; he’s also sympathetic because he’s beaten up so badly. The kind of character a reader wants to follow past what you’ve posted. I’ve starred this and added it to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Hi Arne, I read chapter 2.

You are off to a great start, your discription of the fight scene read like something I've had a taste of myself in the past. I am guessing that you fell into the same trap I did, writing and editing late at night when you were creating it. I've had some good advice off this site, and I'd like to share it with you if you are not offended.
1) Read it back to yourself, if you stall on a particular sentence, your readers will as well.
2) Expect to make several changes to the edit / story before you are comfortable a publisher will be ready for it.
I am still editing and checking so join the club, I found it very exciting and I hope you do to, I am sure it will do well.

Several things I stumbled on:
'windshields of the cars parked off of the kerb on either side of the street' I would suggest dropping 'off of the kerb' unless it's important to the plot. Maybe you could restructure the sentence parking the cars 'off the kerb' and then mentioning there was dew on the windsheilds and rear windows.
'before the sun was full in the sky' maybe this could be tweeked to something like 'before the sun filled the sky'
'suspicious people he is always meeting' could be ' suspicious people he's always meeting'
It's your story so don't feel bullied. It was a valuable lesson for me, and I feel my script has improved a great deal

Good Luck.

Kind Regards and Best Wishes.
Lenny Banks: Tide and Time: At The Rock.

"He was not absurdly fat but overweight enough that you could make out his rounded protruding stomach" I love how you punch up your story with punch lines. Brilliant opening by the way. Anyway, I'm half way through chapter one. more comment to come

I like where you are going with the plot. It's like a super hero story, where he gets beaten up and decides to play hero, but minus super powers. Now you need to clean up the grammer. I'm going to run down some things that could improve this and, hopefully, move it closer to publicaton.

I don't believe you need an apostrophy in "as far as dance halls go."

When you are using dialog, you only end a sentence with a comma before an attribution ("Get lost," she said.) If it is without attribution, use a period ("Get lost." She waved me off.) And you usually start a new line of dialog in the middle of a sentence with a capital letter, unless it's a continuation of the first line.

You don't capitalize "officers" or "cops." Don't cap "bars" unless it's the name of a specific bar. And don't cap "black."

There are a few places where you leave character names in lower case.

The descriptions of all the men are very good. But it slows the story down to describe the men back-to-back-to-back. Work in what they look like gradually as the story goes along, dropping bits and pieces here and there. Mix it in with the action and movements of the characters.

I would also like to see the setting of Orlando come alive. It feels like it could be any American city, and Orlando certainly has a special character.

I like the part about Chris and his toys and Derek's car. Wouldn't that make Matt wonder how they could afford all that?

I like the conversation with Tre and Mike, as that added the element of danger to the story.

The ending to Chapter 1 is a bit anticlimactic for a story with so much excitement. Make sure you end chapters with a reason for readers to turn the page. You might try ending it earlier, when Mike warns him about Chris. Or you could end it later, as soon as he is alone with the trio from hell. Cliffhanger!

That's an interesting strategy to disarm them by acting like he doesn't want to fight, and then swinging away. It might be more convincing if he didn't taunt them first, though.

Chapter 2 has a suspenseful ending.

You're off to a good start. I'll back it. Just keep working hard at it and you'll get there.

Good luck,

Brian Bandell
Mute

Pitch - very interesting & intriguing. Make writting bigger; easier to read and or no fiddling either, your diction looks good although an early typo stood out - favorite / one of my? - Chapter lengths vary some, personally I like a short ch1. and for the all to be fairly even in lenth, that way you know how long roughly each one will be if your a chapter to chapter reader. liked the word play at the start ie. Hell. To many uses of the word Main street use alternative generic or remove. Over all I think your style is crisp, direct, and moves at a good pace, easy to understand, which I liked very much. If you have more please put it on.

A pretty faultless beginning! Your ease of narrative had me reading the story, following the flow without giving anything else much thought. The dialogue was punchy and the characterisation infinately believeable. So I found that the writing did not dominate - the tale was the thing.

A surprising lack of expletives. I live in a small town and the language echoing up and down the high street on a Saturday afternoon would make Russell Brand blush - let alone me!

But that's not always a bad thing. You will draw in a wider resdership. And it's not a complaint or criticism, merely an observation. Maybe small UK towns are harsher places than big cities in the US...


One little lthing. Although I dipped in and read at a goodly lick, I noticed a few typos. Your wrote 'suns ray's' where 'rays' would have been right. There were a few other things like this. Not a problem. Easily fixed.

A great start. Looking forward to the rest of the story. (There had better be more...I want to know what happens...)