Book Jacket

 

rank 220
word count 40537
date submitted 11.07.2012
date updated 20.05.2013
genres: Fiction, Literary Fiction, Romance
classification: moderate
incomplete

Choices

Aba Bairéid

Philip marries the perfect woman – beautiful, intelligent and caring. He spends the next two years trying to convince himself that he doesn’t love her.

 

This is how complicated life can be. After much soul-searching, a wealthy Dublin businessman decides to perform the ultimate act of benevolence: instead of merely presenting a cheque to charity, he does something extremely personal. He rescues a young Nigerian woman from a hopelessly destitute existence. There is a pretend marriage – intended to be short-lived, done for appearance’s sake. As the months follow, however, the benefactor realises that he has placed himself in a nightmare. He is sharing his home with someone very special. But how can he be a good person if he allows all of the worthy sacrifices he is making to be turned into the selfish pursuit of happiness? The first of numerous questions in Choices, a collection of eighteen original stories aimed at the more thoughtful adult reader. Insights into being human.

 
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tags

modern, reflective, short stories

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79 comments

 

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Patsy4 wrote 14 days ago

I've only read the first chapter. Although I agree with many of the comments here that your descriptions are wonderfully vivid, I felt I would like a little more action at the beginning.

katehyde wrote 33 days ago

Your prose is beautiful. You had me from the first paragraph. I'm also enjoying getting into Philip's head and following his tortured self-examination. Good work.

Bell52 wrote 60 days ago

I have only read one chapter so far but liked what i have read and look forward to reading more. Your plot is certainly intriguing and different, i have never read anything like it. Your style of writing is easy to follow and i felt lost in your world. High stars from me.
Michelle Read
Long Lost.

Leonard W wrote 83 days ago

I liked the opening to this very much - great sense of atmosphere and an intriguing concept. What I have read has been well executed and gripping. I've put you on my watchlist.

Elizabeth Kathleen wrote 85 days ago

Aba I've read your first chapter and wanted to compliment you. I feel you have a great skill in painting emotion and pictures with words. I can feel the emotions building between the two main characters and that is due to your skill in writing.
God bless you!!
Elizabeth Kathleen
"If Children are Cheaper by the Dozen, Can I Get a Discount on Six?"

InquireTheOrigin wrote 90 days ago

Good Evening,

Aba

So far I've only gotten the chance to read the first chapter of your story, but I must say that this is quite different. It reminds me of the book "Thirst" by Christopher Pike. I love your tale it's very in depth and it seem that you've took a lot of time to make it unique. This story in a way, seems as though it will trail off to be very sad. It's still very well done. I will be reading the rest of your story in the future.

Best Of Wishes
A.D. Reid
________________________________________________
I'm new to Authonomy, feel free to check out my story: Un Thai
Link: http://authonomy.com/books/50818/un-thai/
Thanks For The Support!

gingerknucklehairs wrote 97 days ago

Hi. I was recommended to read this by Narcissus because of my own use of the word 'I' at the beginning of sentences.
I began reading it to concentrate on how you cope with avoiding the use of 'I' at the beginning of sentences. Then I forgot why I was reading it and got totally engrossed in the story.
I've read four chapters so far and can't find anything distracting or to improve on.
As I'm trying to get my own MS rewritten, edited and polished, I shouldn't be distracting myself by reading very good books, so I will read more when I've got some work done. I have to go and get rid of some 'I's now.
High starred and I'll keep it on my watch list to read and comment properly on very soon.
Take care, Jes.

Narcissus wrote 98 days ago

Something Borrowed Part 2
Great writing continues in the second half of this short story. There is no need for any editing, it's that good. I have not read a lot on this site that can compare. It is ready to be on the shelf of every library. I only wish there was a "part three", as the reader becomes quickly caring about the two main characters, there is the desire, the need to see the relationship blossom in more detail. Ah well.... The beauty of poetry is that it can be read again and again!
There are many lovely lines in this piece. Here is just one I particularly enjoyed.

"She was like a magnificent figurehead carved from teak perched across the prow of a ship, surveying the vastness before her, responsible for the safety of every living soul behind, celestial, like a dream, yet also unbelievably real."

Really Great, Aba! Thanks for sharing your fine work here! You have a special talent. Keep at it!!!
J. H. F. White
Isles End

Narcissus wrote 102 days ago

Something Borrowed Part 1
Wow! What an excellent read! Like fine wine; eloquent, complex and thoughtful, provocative, stimulating...what else can I say? Intelligent! Almost flawless.... There does seem to be a lack of dialogue which slightly concerned me when it occurred to me, but the writing is so stellar that it carries the story just as it is.
My very first thought was, I would change the title. Maybe use, "Insights into Being Human"....? Surely there is something better than "Choices" especially for writing that is so impressive and clearly of a higher caliber than most here. I realize it is a collection of short stories, so understandably difficult to find a title that addresses this collection of stories. Something to think about....
Well, I just finished "Something Borrowed Part 1" and I am forced to immediately place it on my shelf with six stars. I thoroughly enjoyed it. Many of the lines are pure poetry...this is something rare and to be treasured!
A must read for anyone who appreciates great writing.
Will be reading and enjoying "Part 2" asap, and will comment accordingly. ;o)
~J. H. F. White

Antonius Metalogos wrote 103 days ago

Oh, God, how I love this! Enthralling to the end was chapter one. Oh, glorious writing, flawless and flowing and bubbling with genius! Most excellently done, Mr. Baireid! If you are not published soon then the world has lost all sense of what is fine and worthwhile and meant for greatness. Best wishes!

Anthony
What We Live For

Jaclyn Aurore wrote 110 days ago

great concept - love the intertwining of short stories, the questions the characters ask themselves, and the questions the readers are left asking as well.

the letter in the Night Circus chapter got to me the most... and the hanger at the end... I clicked the next chapter hoping to hear he was ok, forgetting so quickly that that was the end of a story and now we're on to the next... sigh... clever clever

well written overall - very interesting!

cheers for now
Jaclyn x
It Never Happened
My Life Without Me

mark01684 wrote 115 days ago

I enjoyed this greatly. The way you convey the conversation between the 'seller and Philip is a work of mastery that only a few could achieve. I think that you have one of the strongest voices, narratively speaking, on this site.
I almost don't feel qualified to critique your work. But I'll try.
What I liked.
The flow and the use of language. Your descriptions are very dramatic. The way you describe the chandelier showed real poetry. Inalso like the way the story built, with each paragraph. I found myself warming to Phillip as the story unfolded. His moral dilemma was wonderfully written.
What I didn't like.
Sorry to say, I agree with some of the comments that the italics aren't necessary. I also thought the chapter was a little long, but that's just my opinion.
Other than that, excellent work. Book shelving when space comes up. Six stars.
Mark01684

Chris 1 wrote 116 days ago

Hello Aba,

I only read 'Something Borrowed' and 'Futility'. I also leafed through 'Cirque Du Nuit'.

It's an excellent collection of stories from what I've seen. 'Something Borrowed' is extremely well-written, the narrator's voice has an eye for detail and took me around his and Amina's life together.

I enjoyed how Philip#s 'moral code' begins to unravel as guilty desire gets a grip on him, something he tries to bat off - nearly turning around before reaching the airport, the 'affliction' of desire something 'akin to Sodom and Gomorrah'.

It's a good portrayal of a man who appears successful in life, in business, in the practicalities of life ,yet who remains cold and detached. He 'buys' a wife as a genuinely altruistic gesture that then only reveals his secret desires of 'this impressive specimen of mankind'.

It seems Philip is still heavily under the influence of a deeply religious upbringing and is doing his best to stay within the bounds of his imposed beliefs given he has doubts about those beliefs. Seeing his 'wife' naked for the first time evokes the 'depravity of Hell - if it exists'. He feels an 'imposter in my own existence' as his resolve to remain within the charitable bounds he set himself begin to crumble with desire.

What finally tips him over the edge and makes his mind up is the confrontation with the leftwinger Kevin.

It's a brilliant set piece and Kevin makes valid points which Philip is forced to take up and defend himself, an argument between the political left and right.

My only criticism here is Kevin's behaviour during the argument. It felt a little cliched to have a 'firebrand' leftwinger shouting etc (yes, he even thumps the table). Why not allow him to remain subtle and restrained? I think Philip hitting him would then have made much more of an impact?

But an excellent read and it's on my shelf.

C W Bigelow wrote 122 days ago

Aba,
Intriguing - fairy tale style - just through the first section of story 1. Nice narrative style. As you know Backed.CW A Bad Night for Animals

Sophekles wrote 125 days ago

Aba,

I started with chapter 5, "The Formula", since I am a science fiction fan.

It is a really excellent short story which I greatly enjoyed from beginning to end. I paricularly like the way you introduce Professor Sweeny and subsequently describe his obsession with mathematics. The formula itself keeps the reader guessing and maintains suspense to the philosophical ending. Your writing is superb, especially the detailed descriptions which made me feel that I was actually experiencing the scene.

High stars from me.

Sophekles

emarie wrote 126 days ago

Nice storyline and pacing. Interesting and on my watch list. --emarie Jackson Jacob Henry Brown III

sticksandstones wrote 129 days ago

Hi Aba, I wasn't quite sure what to make of Choices as it probably wouldn't be my usual type of read (even though I do enjoy some Literary Fiction). I'd suggest listing a couple of other genres, just so people won't necessarily be put off by the 'Literary' tag.

I know some people have picked up on overlong paragraphs, but I'd say that's the norm for introspective, character driven story telling. Literary Fiction is far more about 'form' than it is about 'function.' I would, however, also suggest that you don't italicise your dialogue. Use italics for words that require extra emphasis, or which you'd like the reader to consider more carefully. Not for dialogue.

Starting with Something Borrowed - you have a sublime, fantastic description of the hotel lobby; in particular 'so lush it made you feel like you were walking on thickly packed raspberry snow.' Excellent! I also really like 'The chandeliers glittered in Morse code . . . ' There are a couple of places where you lose me to the lofty language, difficult word choices and general over wordiness.

That's more observation than criticism though, because I encountered the same problem whilst reading Alan Hollinghurst's The Line of Beauty and Jamie O'Neill's truly exceptional At Swim, Two Boys. I love your character's appraisal of the woman across the street, and how he eventually surmises that she can't possibly be a street worker, for reasons associated with Nigeria's prosperous capital. He's a little James Bond in that sense . . .

Aba, your writing is so polished (and I use this word a lot) it's hard to criticise or find any fault with your prose. This story reminds me very much of Dave Eggers' You Shall Know Our Velocity, albeit done in a very different way. You write in such an intriguing style, and with such an engaging tone of voice, that it's hard not to feel mesmerised by it.

The dialogue between our unnamed Narrator and his night-cap Imposter is an absolute pleasure to read. You had me with every word of their exchange. The questions he asks of himself (on the flight home) are all perfectly valid, and offer ample opportunity for any reader to draw their own conclusions. Is our mystery man morally grey, or are there more aspects to his personality we haven't been informed about yet?

My difficulty in reading on actually lies in identifying with your MC. He's clearly from a wealthy/privileged background and yet, once he gets home, it no longer presents him with any kind of 'real' meaning. I don't dispute there are people from high-flying backgrounds who give it all up due to a lack of personal contentment; it just feels a little forced in this instance. As though his new found conscience has crept up and tapped him on the shoulder without any introduction.

I've carried on reading, and once the 'new couple' are settled back in Dublin, the MC does seem to go on a bit of a rambling spree. It's all good, well written, highly readable etc etc, but there's a change in tone which I found a little jarring. Yes, Amina no doubt comes from an impoverished background, it just seems as though he's trying to give too much creedence to his new 'wife' and 'false' marriage. Almost as though he constantly has to convince himself it's the right thing.

You have such a lengthy part 1 that you might want to consider separating it into two separate parts. I can't really offer you any further criticism or helpful comments at this stage, as I'm no Literary expert. I'd be surprised, though, if you couldn't get this snapped up by an agent . . . To be perfectly honest, this style of writing has a tendency to make my head spin. It isn't for everyone, but it is very, very well written.

Ben - An Ordinary Sunday

Carrie Barrie wrote 131 days ago

Hi there! OK, I read chapter 7, because you listed it as the "Fantasy" story. It's a touching, endearing, and sort of haunting story. Gave me sort of a nostalgic/romantic feel.

that being said, there are some mechanical issues that need addressing. First of all, it needs WAY more paragraph breaks. The one para, where the man is telling the story behind the painting, was daunting even just to look at. Just seeing huge paragraphs like that makes me instantly NOT want to read further.

You have to give the reader a little moment to adjust, shift focus, take a little breath as it were.

Secondly, why do you italicize spoken word? The quote marks are sufficient. All those italics made my head hurt, haha! =D

I think maybe when you are giving the background on the painting, you could even break away, and do it as a sort of new scene where we are actually there watching the artist. I think I would rather be dropped into that scene and see the little girl for myself, than just have someone tell me the story.

Anyway, you are a gifted writer, to be sure. I never got bored with the story, and was enchanted with the little girl as much as the MC was. I like the ending to. That's how real life is. You don't always get the happy ending. This book has lots of potential. I think after it's complete and gone through a few revisions, it ill be outstanding!

Peace, and good luck!
Carrie
Letting Go

subra_2k123 wrote 131 days ago

Hi Aba,
I read some portion of your book and I do agree with the concerns of some of the readers that this book is not yet ready for publishing ( need directions, editing etc) That is my observation from what I read with my eyes. But you have a honest touching story which is genuine and like all genuine things(like raw diamonds), your book need refinement, that is what I felt deep inside.Just keep this book on this site, and follow any guidance by other writers ( most sour are the best) and ignore comments like( nice story, best I saw on this ...kind of comments, usually they do just get their TSR down).



Get to you sometime later

Venkatarama
'Ozoneraser'

David Blackdene wrote 131 days ago

Aba, i have just read chapters one and two and I am at a loss as to what to say....I fear there is little for you to learn on this site. Your writing is way beyond publishable....those two chapters were so well written, full of hidden values and morals. I honestly think that that particular short story could be developed into a beautiful love story...although it is quite perfect as it is. 6 stars, on my watchlist and waiting for bookshelf space! Eveything else has already been said below. Thank you for a thoroughly good read. David Blackdene DON'T LOOK BACK

patricia mc a wrote 132 days ago

Wow! I am glad I have kept Choices on my 'shelf.' Today I found time to read stories #7 and #8. Each word is placed so artfully and perfectly that I feel like I'm reading classic literature. After reading #7, my impulse was to stop and reflect for the story had gently led me on and on until it fell on me like an avalanche! What a talent you have. Since, I had a bit more time, I decided to read #8 even though #7 still haunted me--'Loneliness' was surrounding me and causing me to examine it from every angle. However, I am glad I read about Mr. Hatchett and Mr. Murphy. Early on, the reference to Kerry (my favorite county in Ireland) hooked me. Again, every word and phrase is placed with meticulousness and care. Murphy is one of the all-time great Irish characters. I can see him in a play at The Abbey holding the audience spell-bound. Wonderful stuff. You deserve to go to #1.

Ugo-Peter wrote 132 days ago

I wasn't going to say this, but damn! This is an excellent piece of literary fiction. I mean the plot, the dialogues, they show so much clarity. With your writing style, you have produced a great character driven plot and I'm looking forward to finishing the stories.

Seringapatam wrote 132 days ago

You really do have something here. depth of character springs to mind as well as being able to tell the story well. I have to agree with one comment about the length of paragraphs, not always but certainly in places. I can only see good things for this book as its worked on so I wish you all the luck in the world. I will be scoring this highly and cant wait to see the finished product sitting on a shelf in the book store.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) Consider me for a read or watch List wont you? Happy New year.....Sean

Seringapatam wrote 132 days ago

You really do have something here. depth of character springs to mind as well as being able to tell the story well. I have to agree with one comment about the length of paragraphs, not always but certainly in places. I can only see good things for this book as its worked on so I wish you all the luck in the world. I will be scoring this highly and cant wait to see the finished product sitting on a shelf in the book store.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) Consider me for a read or watch List wont you? Happy New year.....Sean

Thom wrote 133 days ago

Everyone here is - or at lest should be - in love with words. Few of us, however, are as good at using them as Aba Bairéid. Thus far, I've only read The Formula (because science fiction was my first love, and my deepest). In it, Aba tells us that the protagonist is a classical example of the absent-minded professor. Then he goes on to show us the cause of that absent-mindedness, by putting us inside Professor Sweeny's mind - by making us experience, as Sweeny does, his love affair with mathematics, and the way in which contemplation of a particular formula can literally take over his consciousness (not in some predatory way, but exactly as the task of writing can take over our own minds, to the exclusion of everything extraneous) to the exclusion of everything else.

This is very, very good writing, indeed. Six stars worth, for me.

Thom Stark
American Sulla - A Time of Trial

L.Lombard wrote 133 days ago

Something Borrowed: The writing is beautifully poetic. I loved "the chandeliers glittered in Morse code", and the depiction of self-doubt caused by the "gentleman" at the hotel lobby.
Although the discussion with Kevin at the dinner party was a little long- it made this reader see just how hard Philip (who I perceive as a poised and private fellow) needed to be pushed in order to reveal his feelings the way he did. What an adorable fool he is! So I think it's perfect and would not change a thing.
I'm giving it high stars and will be back soon to read some more.
L-
EBO

fictionguy8 wrote 134 days ago

Five stars and backed

MJ Gleason wrote 134 days ago

Chapter 1 is "so far so good". Your writing style reminds of a long magazine article: the journalist who can be pragmatic when describing both extravagence surrounded by "African paupers" being exploited per their being no workers rights. And how your protagonist addresses it and the consequences are quite a surprise. I'll provide more feedback when time allows.
MJG

FrancesK wrote 134 days ago

SOMETHING BORROWED: I enjoyed this story. The protagonist's slightly pompous voice contrasts pleasingly with the dramatic, colourful Nigerian setting and with the simple instincts of his own altruism. Thought the political argument at the dinner party [which reminded me of Joyce] could be tighter, less wordy - we get the annoying character of Kevin in a few lines. I kept reading for two chapters because I couldn't guess what the outcome would be,and my affection for the characters kept me gripped.
FUTILITY: for me, this story didn't work so well. I like the Orwellian/Kafkaesque premise, but the language is too ponderous and polysyllabic for a third party narrator - if it had been presented as extracts from the official's report, it might have been less intrusive. As it was, I lost myself in the sonorous rhythms of the sentences without following the story or becoming involved enough in the fate of the prisoner.
CIRQUE DU NUIT - This reminded me of Roald Dahl's early short stories.Weird and unsettling - I think it works well.
THE FORMULA: again, those long sentences and polysyllabic rhythms have a hypnotic effect on me that dulls and makes obscure the actual content of the story. Found it hard to get involved with the fate of the professor - he didn't really seem human, or maybe it was the language keeping me at a distance from him. And the other characters don't really have enough depth or shape for me.
Hope these comments are useful. FK.

memphisgirl wrote 134 days ago

Regarding Choices: Good writing. I have a few questions already in Chapter One. Why the italics in the midst of dialogue? Also, wouldn't the Mona Lisa (or another painting's subject) cast aspersions rather than the undescribed da Vinci? The opening would be more inviting with some early dialogue drifting in. Maybe some interactions with staff earlier in the narrator's thought process. When you edit again, don't forget to kill your darlings. This is tough, I know, but sometimes lovely prose must still go to the cutting room floor.

Memphis Girl (Joli Blon Gone/Drowning Lessons)

RaithebC wrote 136 days ago

Futility - This is a very clever piece of work and I would guess, despite its short legnth, took some time to write. I have read other comments regarding paragraphs and POV etc. but sometimes this works. I had no trouble with Futility. Apart from the small amount of dialogue, it read like a well informed magazine article (not a criticism) which I assume you may have had in mind. I like it and in fact if I was the author I would turn the dialogue into narrative. I will read some more. Thanks for sharing.

Raithe (Raymond)
The Trojan Towers

Kristi Dawn Hurley wrote 136 days ago

I hadn't expected to get to Choices yet. Something Borrowed is a savoury sweet love story. Very insightful. Philip is a chivalrous knight, and that's a good thing. Every woman should be so lucky. I look forward to reading more.

Kristi
Casting Shadows

CARite wrote 136 days ago

Choices- Something Borrowed - a truthful hard look at people and how they can see what they want and disregard the rest. How in the pursuit of our own goals we can forget that every person out there also has a goal,a wish, a life and people they love and who love them. Remarkably written, It is a good book, great for a snowed in read or even the beach. Well done. I'd love to read more, but will have to come back later. If the rest of the book has such deep roots and makes the reader delve into his/herself as much, It will prove to be one heck of a book.
Cindy
CADreilling- The Line - Beginnings

Grayson_L_Mathers wrote 136 days ago

from the few chapters i read you do have a good start on your hands, but, if i were you, i'd reread your work because(for me) its hard to understand where the voice is coming from.

example would be the chapter with the professor chap5. Its overly wordy and and a tad confusing to start. but when all is said and done don't let my critiquing get to you since i am only trying to be helpful.

good luck with your stories.

Antonio wrote 136 days ago

I started Chapter 1 thinking this isn't for me, but was soon sucked into a compelling and unusual story. The pacing was well crafted and flowed easily.

My only criticism was that some paragraphs are far too long, something easily rectified if the author wishes.

Descriptions are excellent which makes for compelling reading.

My first review after returning to Authonomy. I’m impressed.

SJ Bell wrote 152 days ago

Hi Aba- Brilliant beginnings, really. You are a storyteller of considerable skill and clearly linger over every sentence and paragraph until it is just so. From the expertly constructed first chapter to the satisfying conclusion of chapter two, this is a highly enjoyable example of word-craft. It is intelligent and demands intelligence from the reader, a style that I appreciate.

I have few criticisms:

Amina is simply too perfect. Were she to have some garish flaw then she would become a more interesting character.

I have to admit I got a bit lost starting with chapter 3. Amina is gone, never to be heard from again? What is going on? I feel like I have picked up a different book. Oh, here it is- the teaser makes some mention of "eighteen original stories". Hmm. It seems like a waste of a great beginning, to me.

I see no reason to italicize dialog.

I have no problem with long paragraphs but the one in chapter four might benefit from a few breaks. I mean, seriously!

I understand, however, that it is a work in progress and let me say, again, that you have a beautiful style. Best wishes!

MPC wrote 152 days ago

I enjoy the s*** out of your writing. I'm sorry to be so vulgar but you're writing has been refreshing for me. I'll offer more of a critique when I've read more of the story, which sadly I can only do in small doses because I am currently at work.

CATHERINE SHAW wrote 158 days ago

This is lovely. Beautiful flow, lovely first chapter and the dialogue is very clever. Top stars!!

RMAWriteNow wrote 174 days ago

Hi Aba; I have just finished reading your first chapter.
I normally try to explain my thinking when reviewing and give at least something back to the writer. With this I'm afraid I can't. It's too good.
From the beautifully descriptive opening, through the touching and purposeful dialogue, I found this superb. If it wasn't for the fact I was at work I'd happily read the lot. When all is said and done that is all that matters with a book.
I found Amina to be engaging and thoroughly mesmerising. Whilst Philip, a man with a real conscience made the reader think what would they do.
The only thought I could give to help would be to possibly shorten the chapters as they are long by today's standards. But even then that doesn't mean they are wrong.
Top stars and watchlisted
RMA
The Snow Lily

djchorus wrote 178 days ago

Love your use of language. Setting up the internal tension was done well, too. Quite an intriguing idea for a story.

My main suggestion to you is to break up your inordinately long paragraphs. The eye of today's reader moves much more quickly than in past generations. Long paragraphs = slow moving plot = put the book down and move on to somehting else. This was the biggest challenge I had when I began writing novels. It will be quite easy for you to edit yours to do the same.

Good luck to you. I look forward to reading more.

evermoore wrote 185 days ago

Time, being what it is, I have read the first chapter and know I will revisit to read in full. I love the conscience of the man...the sense of duty in the woman that sends her on such a journey. I can't wait to see how it unfolds and for now, give high stars for your ability to draw me in.

Linda

writingbear wrote 189 days ago

Aba,
I checked out your book and I had to back it. If you could please check out my novel, DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS, for you possible backing, your help will be appreciated. Good luck and happy writing.

Dwain-Thomas

Andrea Taylor wrote 196 days ago

An interesting story, simply and directly told. That's quite refreshing. Its easy on the mind and eye. I liked it.
Andrea

najwa wrote 199 days ago

Was just reading it but when had to rate it saw that it is locked for edit...well it must say it is a lovely piece...have read the first story..beautifully and concisely told...best of luck
Nagwa

Casimir Greenfield wrote 200 days ago

The dense descriptive passages drew me in - a style I enjoy. I have dipped in, have starred and backed your book because I want to read on. There are some that might say that the 'action' is a long time coming, but it's not that kind of a read. Apologies for such brief comments, but I will return with a fuller review.

Cas

http://authonomy.com/books/42586/slow-poison/

levielm wrote 200 days ago

I like your blurb.

First opinion: your paragraph breaks are too long. Though you have a wounderfully descriptive first paragraph, ask yourself if it has enough action or intrigue ot something that will absolutely make readers move on to the next page.

Your second paragraph is much more intriguing and gives me a hint as to what the dramatic tension might be in the story...It should be the focus of your first paragraph as a great eye grabbing opening. I am must more interested in the intrigue you present in 2nd paragraph than the descriptions you give of inanimate things in the first paragraph..

Will comment more later.

If you want a really fun project, and one I learned from a recent writer seminar, go to the library and select 100 books. Read all the first pages and make two piles... in one pile, place the books with openings that make you want to keep reading, in the other pile, the books that have boring openings. Then re-read the first pile and write your openings corresponding to the gist of what you find. :) JK

Vanya wrote 204 days ago

Your blurb caught my eye , I thought that the idea of love unburdened intelligent man marrying someone as a purely charitable act was brilliant. I must admit, though , that I have overlooked the fact that it was a short story, so while I enjoyed your very clear and beautifully classic style of writing as well as your thinking man's insights into the human psyche , I wondered why the story felt a bit like a summary ( never mind the resolution, where s the build up?) As a short story it works a treat, of course, but aren't you tempted to make this first story into the novel? Play with it? Develop the characters? Kind of release them? Maybe make the bride someone he's never met to remove the bias? I m a sucker for a good quality, original romance and think that the setting you'd touched on here ( asylum, sex slavery, immigration ) is very contemporary, yet unexplored. Please let me know if you turn it into a longer work, I'd love to have a read!

Vanya ( The Trip: Acid and the Less Pretty )

patricia mc a wrote 205 days ago

Came back at last and read Ch 3, Futility. All I can say is, "Wow." What a creative talent you have. Superb!

carol jefferies wrote 205 days ago

I read the first chapter several days ago, and the plot was so intriguing that it stayed with me, so I tried to read some more today.

However I think the opening page at Abuja is too descriptive and long, and did not really entice me to read more, it was the plot that did.

Your characters and dialogue do not seem very realistic or consistent. I can't believe that Amina would have felt at home so quickly, especially coping with the climate of Dublin, and without home sickness. It amazed me that despite little education how she could converse so well in English. Nor could believe that there were no objections to the wedding from family and friends.

I find it hard that Phillip would still be at the 'honeymoon' stage after living with Amina for a few years. Has this woman no irritating flaws?

I would have liked to have read descriptions of Dublin, and Amina's response to seeing it.

I think the read needs editing and work to improve the flow, but the plot is excellent in the first few chapters that I read .

Carol

Abby Vandiver wrote 208 days ago

While your chapters are good length, your paragraphs are too long. They make reading daunting. Also, your pitch needs to be in more paragraphs. It is certainly is an interesting concept and it captures your attention making you want to read the book.

Good job.

Abby

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