The Paladin Vampire

Ian,
I read everything you posted.
This is a very traditional, old fashioned vampire story. You have an ancient monster caught in the infernal struggle between his condition and his morals, and a practical detective trying to save people's lives. Throw in a few victims with various degrees of innocence and you have your classic vampire story.
Problem is, the classic leaves very little wiggle room. It has a rhythm and a formula that imprisons you. There is very little you can do when you start down this path but follow it down towards inevitable end.
There are many books that take advantage of this paradigm to make a twist on it, be it comic (ahem!) or romantic, or something else. These books depend on the persistence of the paradigm, the fact that there are many traditional vampire books that act as a platform on which they can build.
Your pitch betrays that you want to use the genre as a platform for character driven writing, and, indeed there is some very good character development in this book. However, the classic vampire story is so strong that it overpowers the dish a bit, making the CD almost incidental.
This is all to say that you have an immediate and hard to overcome challenge when you decide to write a book like this, and that is that it is difficult to engage people to read it, unless you add something early on that differentiates it, or unless they are real devotees to the genre.
This is not a bad thing necessarily. Devotees need their reading material. Nevertheless a bit of differentiation might help you draw more readers to your book. .
Hook and plot- I think I could do without the italic intro. In the context of what follows. it comes across as a bit over the top. The book is really not pretentious, although "Andy" can be a bit arcane at times.
Once we get out of the coffin the story hooks with a blood sucking murder and remorse, followed by the requisite CSI scene. I think this hook is fine, but, again, you are going down a very well established path. It is not that your story is not intrinsically well paced, it is that It is a bit formulaic.
From what I have seen of the plot, it progresses well, with the vampire continuing his struggles and Katherine trying to do her job in spite of her alcoholic partner. You hint at a psychic connection. I think that this is too coincidental, and should be somehow justified- unless it is the funky ring that links them. Anyhow, there needs to be something- it can't just happen that the detective trying to find him is psychically connected to him.
You also have the Templars subplot. I think that this would be stronger if it were shown as proper flashbacks than as summarizations.
Character development- there is certainly a lot of development of our vampire friend. I think you portray his inner torture well. You take good advantage of every feeding to develop his character, from his regret at killing the beautiful bar maid, to the righteous killing of the rapist, to the scene with the salesman and his kids. Each gives a good bit of insight into the conflict. As much as I would suggest that you consider messing with the plot a bit to add some wrinkles to the paradigm, I think you should keep and expand on the CD.
Katherine is an appealing character. You have some nice, sneaky character development in the interactions with her partner. Their banter reveals a lot about them both. I particularly liked their plan to send her partner's girlfriend pictures of them in the pub. It was a well rendered moment.
I also liked the scene with the jeweler. It was uncomfortable and added a lot to ambiance.
Having said this, I would caution against summarizing, which you have a tendency to do at times.
Internal consistency- as I said, I have an issue with the telepathy. It is too coincidental for my taste. I also like vampires to not handle the sun at all, but that is just me.
Mechanics- I read on my commutes, and did not take notes except in chapter 6. In several places the punctuation was a bit off. I think a goo proof reading would do you well.
All in all, you are challenged by your genre but this is not insurmountable. I know from your pitch that you do not want us to think of this as a vampire story, but that is what it is.
However, you have very good character development. If you could bring that to the forefront I think this would be a stronger read.
My comments from 6:

I smell the purist of blood,
Should be "purest"
the oldest of Michaels three girls.
"Michael's"
a note of thanks for the kindness, Michael and his family have shown me.
The comma is out of place.

Best of luck with it,
Maeve

Hi Ian
I read the first chapter and almost suffered a panic attack. I am claustrophobic and you can't imagine the terror i felt when you described the vampire's feelings whilst trapped. The rest of the chapter read a little like a poem at times, haunting and beautiful. I will read more when my nerves can stand it! High stars and gl with this.
Ras

Ian,
What a premise, a knight Templar turning into a vampire. You have a definite facility with the metaphor, the visuals you create not only vivid but also haunting, staying in one's mind like photographic residue. Take "stars sparkle through multiple haloes of shimmering light" or "return the sword of evil, my affliction back into its scabbard." That's unaffected poetry just flowing through your narrative as you take us through the agonies of your hungry beast availing itself of soft female flesh in abundance. Thank you so much for the rush of inspiration.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Chapter 2: what a surprise to be in the modern world! Great juxtaposition with the ancient vampire! I like the way Catherine echoes the victims last steps, yet seems a capable heroine, that I want to invest time in. A good relationship between her and the world weary Breane. Good atmospheric writing.

I love the vampire's voice, and the strange, archaic language he uses. Very atmospheric. I will be back to read more!

I was riveted almost immediately from the moment in chapter one where he began stalking his first victim and then immediately felt regret about his actions, he is clearly conflicted which makes me want to read more to find out how he became the thing he is now

Ian,
Your writing is poetic, with a dark, yet somber feel to it. The imagery is amazing. Not only do you create a high intensity mood in your story, your characters and setting are so well described.

Adulphus is a pitiable character, despite his lust for blood and inability to control his attacks on others. Introducing his inner guilt-ridden thoughts and past history, makes him an almost likeable character. He believes to be thinking through a way he can cope, by becoming a vigilante of sorts. Catherine is intelligent, capable and leaves no stone unturned. Her first introduction to Adulphus in the woods will probably not be her last.

I love your choice of words, as it is varied to give it individuality. Your style is intense, full of darkness and grit. I think you are a talented writer. I am impressed.

Kara
A Gate Called Beautiful

The prologue was fantastic; it did a great job of showing events through the eyes of the character, and had an almost literary feel to it.

Chapter one had great dialogue, but I felt as though it shattered the mood and expectation that was set up in the prologue. The two sections are just so radically different in style that I stopped for a minute, wondering if I was still reading the same story.

There is a lot of potential here, and I think the premise is great. My suggestion would be to try to incorporate some of the gravity that is in the prologue into the police scenes. Obviously not the diction and such, as those are particular to the vampire, but some of the serious feel and horror-esque mood.

I look forward to reading more of this story as time permits.

Hi Ian,

I read three chapters and can't help but feel that this story has a real split personality. The sections from the vampires POV are really good. Atmospheric, intriguing, and interesting. The sections with the police on the other hand just don't work for me. There are quite a few typos, and yes, we all have them, but missing or wrong words are one thing, spelling mistakes that spellcheck should have picked up are another. Those however are easily fixed with a bit of work. What I had the biggest issue with was that after such a well crafted prologue chapter 1 gave us a stereotypical male copper who comes across as an idiot, and hardly inspector material. I've nothing against flawed characters but he just seemed too... obvious. We also get quite a bit of head hopping and the behaviour of the characters around a dead young woman just wasn't convincing.
It's hard to give this an overall comment as the two strands come across as if they have been written by two different people. Having said that the vampire elements indicate that you have some ability and if you can put in the work to bring the rest up to this standard then the result would be something impressive. I don't wish to be harsh but I prefer to be honest and I hope you take this comment in the manner in which it is intended.
James

Grimoire review
Well...some fantastic ideas here, mixed with vampire stuff. Not really my bag, though. Read through the Prologue and Chapter 1 but it didn't catch me. Something going on with your punctuation and use of bad language, I think. Anyway, definitely a 'goer' with all these ideas, but maybe needs a little polishing. Others have said more, i know.
All the best
DJC

Dark and scarey in the beginning and then moving to a lighter phase with the first chapter. I would prefer the story to focus more on the vampire, he's good but the police are a little to stylized for my taste. The second chapter sees the return of the vampire and I am finding I like him more and more, I get the feeling he will grow in stature as the story progresses. I will read more as time allows but so far this has captured my imagination.

The story is excellent but as others have said below the punctuation and grammar is woeful. A good edit would improve this work 100%. The main attribute a writer should possess is imagination and you have it in bucket loads, unfortunately the modern world also requires near perfect English skills. You have the basis for an excellent story but the mistakes are detracting from the great content.

All the best Tammy

Club Grimoire.

Nice dramatic feel to the writing in the prologue. Its very 'dark' and gives a touch of atmosphere.
And what an amazing end to the prologue; the vampire attacks. Well written you created some very visual pictures in my mind.
Chapter one; Very natural dialogue between Catherine and Madocks. You continue to keep that atmosphere lingering while they stand around the body. And what a great ending yet again..
There's a little bit of editing. I noticed you sometimes forget to put in full stops and commas after dialogue, and other minor grammar mistakes. Easily fixed.
This is a great read. Good work.
junetee
FOUR CORNERS.book one.The Rock Star

Club Grimoire Crit.
Very atmospheric prologue. I like the first person. It achieves the vampire, dark mood very skilfully.
Great dialogue in the first chapter. The characters are well drawn and I must say I'm with Catherine all the way.
The pace cracks along with a hint of the supernatural behind the everyday (well not everyday as it's murder but you know what I mean) police work.
My only complain is that there are a lot of typos - run on sentences where there should be full stops and speech marks missing etc. It did find it distracting I'm afraid. I think an edit would really make the book much stronger. Basically the writing is great.

Club Grimoire: The Paladin Vampire
Prologue:
So to be honest, only the first para made me stumble, after that, I thought the writing was smooth, dark, and compelling. I genuinely like the tone you've set and the atmosphere. I like the cadence in your writing, and the bleak "reality." (well, as real as vampires get. At least the narrator doesn't f*#king sparkle). 
Anyway, a couple of nitpicks, hopefully helpful:
I awake suddenly to blackness, I widen my eyes further to search for light and with it, a clue to my location, but fail to escape my turbid condition.
Could be something like: I awake to darkness. I widen my eyes further, searching for light, and with it, a clue to my location. But I fail to escape the black. (turbid doesn't really resonate with me, but that's a personal opinion) 
I scent something - I'm not sure. I'd probably just write: "I smell something"
Chapter 1:
I like the contrast of atmosphere and tone, but continuity from chapter one. The dialogue is gritty and realistic, and the interactions between Catherine and  Madocks are engaging. Their chemistry becomes really clear in the back half of the chapter - I like that. However, I think it feels a bit rougher in terms of editing than the prologue. There's a lot of weird sentence structure (run-ons/phrases) that distracts from all the good stuff you've got going on. I didn't point them all out, for fear of being annoying, but if you wanted me to, I'd be happy to help with that. 
Here's a few nitpicks:
-she always forced a smile on the cynical old cops face.   - This kind of reads weird. I think this should be she always brought a smile to/forced a smile upon the cynical old cop's face. 
-while studying the scene - new sentence here.
-had ever fitted his jacket - should be "had ever FIT his jacket. (full stop or semicolon) It seemed to shrink...
-even the dead deserved dignity, she thought.  - should be its own sentence.
- You drink with me’ demanded the tall man - id say "ordered the tall man" here as you've got demanded twice, which is a bit weird.

Ok, that's all I've got so far, hopefully some of its useful. Basically, I just like it, and if I were to compliment it highly enough, I'd say yes, I'd read the second chapter. 
Ellie

Ian,

I became so captivated by your story I forgot to look for any suggestions I may have. Your writing is smooth. The Prologue is dramatic and intense. Desperation and panic can be felt by the girl tapping down the path in high heels. A vampire with a guilty conscience makes the story even more intriguing. When he cries...does the vampire shed tears...or blood?
I continued with chapter One and Two. Your story turns to the investigation which keeps the plot turning.
I sprinkle you with many stars! I will read more soon.
Sara Stinson :)
Finger Bones

Ian,

I've read your prologue. Very powerful and well crafted. Creatively very good, the tension builds well and we feel what the vampire is feeling. There are some editorial isses which have mainly been covered by other reviewers, but I include a few points below.

I have recently discovered that many agents just ignore prologues and start with the first chapter. In response I renumbered my chapters with the prologue as chapter one. (It can always be changed back once an agent is on board!)

I would avoid miserly - it's an unusual word and many readers will simply see 'misery' and be confused in the first paragraph

...like the blade is now twisting... as though the blade is now twisting

Perhaps you stay in the coffin just a paragraph or two too long...

Thanks again for looking at Horizons, please back it if you get the chance - I'm sure I would find a time slot for you too...

Regards,

Robert

Hey, just a quick word, you seem to give way too much away in your excerpt up top. Just wanted to let you know, I feel like I've already got the whole gist of the book without reading it.

Overall – a nice engaging premise and imaginatively written – it’s obvious you care about what you’re writing!

Crit:

Chpter 1 – is there supposed to be a space after ur first HELP ? I noticed some of your paragraphs are indented, some aren’t on here, if u want it to be consistent open ur word document and click the funny backwards P button to show and hide formatting, then add arrows before paragraphs. his first EXTRA SPACE one other thing. I didn’t see any commas after ur dialogue i.e. chapter for ‘thank you ‘ i say, ‘welcome’ he answers – shouldnt these be ‘welcome COMMA’ he answers etc, or is that on purpose throughout the document?

Club Grimoire Review - The Paladin Vampire
Ian Oliver-Jones

** Prologue**

Oh – a prologue written in first person present. My book is written in this POV, and it’s not easy to achieve with consistency. The opening paragraph is very strong.

“they move a trifling distance before they meet abstacle” – missing word.

If he is just waking, how does he know the debris has built up over decades? Aslo, if he is a vampire there should be no breathing – no heart beat – they’re dead. Of course, all vampires are written differently – so just ignore that part.

I like the description of his heightened senses – especially the spider spinning it’s web.

The present tense increases my own awareness of the MC’s need to eat and hunt. This is very well done.

“echo’s” should be echoes – small typo.

“with her bare legs movement” – I would take out movement – we know she is moving, and it tripped me up, interfering with the cadence of the words. Also, you use “movement” twice in the same paragraph, so removing it would avoid that issue.

“Oh god” – should “god” be capitalized? Assuming he is addressing the Christian God – not sure – I’m atheist, but would still capitalize the word in a work of fiction, depending on its use.

Can vampires cry? I dunno – just a thought.

A vampire with a guilty conscience – cool. Reading on to the first chapter.

**Chapter One**

Interesting POV switch from present to past. A bit jarring as I was expecting more of the same from the opening.

You have Maddocks “answering” a lot. Speech tags aren’t always necessary. I tend to put actions with the dialogue so the reader knows who is speaking without having to point it out all the time.

Also – each bit of speech doesn’t need to be followed by description. Read it aloud, the words work – I can tell who is speaking without constant interruption. Change it up a bit. The writing is good, but constant breaks in the dialog affect the flow of the conversation, making it a bit difficult for me to follow.

I’m finding I don’t like either of the detectives very much. Catherine swears a lot (which is ok), making her sound a bit crass and insensitive and Murdocks is a bit annoying. They both have a misplaced sense of humour. This is just my opinion – but it’s early in the book, and I want to like them. As first impressions go, they aren’t people I would seek out.

“she continued to Strain her eyes,” no uppercase S on strain.

You need to pay close attention to your quotation marks and their closings. They seem to be all over the place and inconsistent.

Overall – my favourite part was the prologue. You connected well with the vampire and made me feel I was truly experiencing all that he experienced. In my opinion, your best writing is in your prose, when you sink into the mind of your characters and really feel them. This needs a solid edit, the grammar isn’t so bad, but the punctuation is messy. I’m interested to read more from the vampire’s perspective

Jenny

This is a Grimoire Review

The Paladin Vampire

I like the dramatic opening of this. Your MC awakens in a coffin and chases a girl down and kills her. It’s particularly nice that you describe the situation without using the word “coffin”. I initially expected it to be underground but the crypt makes the escape possible.
There is panic and a desperate attempt to escape, so I think this is a new vampire with new hunger but instinct seems to lead the way. Once the escape has been made, the vampire doesn’t seem too concerned about the situation - just the hunger.

“like the stab of a blade” and “with the sharpness of a spear” are both good. Nice to keep your metaphors in line with your dark subject matter.
I’m not used to seeing “scent” as a verb.
You have the relatively unusual word “roar” describing both the sounds of the night and the flames of hunger. Since these are different things, I’d swap one of the “roars” for something else, unless the repetition is deliberate. They are quite close together.
“My next thrust upward…” This shouldn’t have a semi-colon in the middle of it. Both parts either side of a semi-colon have to be able to make sense alone.
“A silence descends like nature is holding her breath.” This is lovely, especially since your MC is outside of nature.
“echo’s” should be “echoes”.
“her bare legs movement” should be “her bare legs’ movement”, I think, although I’m not sure that’s what you mean. The comma makes it confusing. It could read, “On she travels with her bare legs’ movement constricted by a short skirt, and her high heels….” There are too many commas in the MS generally.
I had to look up “amerce”.

The first person narrative adds to the immediacy, and you have used a wide vocabulary which isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

Ch 1

In this chapter, you introduce us to Catherine and Maddocks. Catherine the less experienced cop and her older colleague enjoys teasing her. They attend the scene of the murder from the prologue, and Catherine gets herself into a spot of bother in the pub afterwards.

“old cops face” is missing its apostrophe. The section describing Catherine’s appearance as the old cop is looking at her is very long for a single sentence. You also have a capital “H” for “his eyes” which doesn’t need one. I’d suggest splitting the sentence with a full-stop after “body.”
You have a POV switch between the old cop and Catherine. The reader head-hops from the mind of one to the mind of the other. Although this is written in the third person, it isn’t usual to switch POV in this way. Some readers won’t like it.
“nodding” doesn’t need a capital “N”.
“like ink dripped into water.” is nice.
“it’s pretence” should be “its pretence”.
“the Man crashed..” Man doesn’t need a capital letter.

This chapter shows how well you can write dialogue - something that was pretty much missing from the prologue. Your manuscript does need a good edit, but you’ve got a good story and some great turns of phrase.

Lucy

Club Grimoire Review:

I think you have the premise for a very good book here. That said there are a few things that need to be fixed to allow it to see it's full potential. These are a few of the things that leaped out at me.

Why did the tunic brushing against the stone wall make a metalic sound? It is a metalic tunic?

Amerce seems the wrong word to use there. I know you are going for punish and I think that is a better word for the situation.
"Oh god, why did you punish me with this affliction? What evil deeds have I done, that my obscure past has yet to reveal, to warrant such a cruel fate?..."

Chapter names confused me. The first one is clearly the Prologue but the second entry says Chapter 2 Resolve followed immediately Chapter 1 Tracing Steps

Setence starting "Saturday night tiff..." needs to be broken down into two or three seperate sentances.

"Elizabeth Bowen, part time barmaid at the Coronation. I've never seen her before,".... When you have the comma on the other side of part time it sounds as if she is only Elizabeth Bowen part of the time.

The sentence that starts with "Don't wave it aboout, it wreaks." It should be reeks not wreaks.

Watch your commas, capitilization and quotation marks. These are what is really hurting the story. The break up the flow and cause the reader to be pulled back to the real world to decipher the text instead of staying in a world of fantasy. Try breaking your sentances up a bit more. You seem to be trying to squeeze too much together with the use of commas.

With some editing this can become the kind of story that will entrance people worldwide but it does need that work to get there.

Meagan

Club Grimoire Critique

I enjoyed the sense of mystery in your prologue, and the jump to a more modern perspective in the first chapter. I think the two work well together.

However, your work is being severely undermined by your misuse of commas. This isn't an occasional mistake, this is practically every other sentence. I don't know if you're unsure about them or have been misinformed on how to use them, but it takes away from your entire scene. As a reader, I couldn't get involved in the narrative because in my head I was observing the constant awkward commas, rather than being allowed to get into the story. Now my use of punctuation is by no means perfect, but I really really think you need to work on this.

I liked the character of Catherine. She seems like an interesting person to see that side of the story through. Towards the end of the first chapter though I did start to find the use of the word 'fuck' a little over the top.

I feel like you have a good story here, but it's buried underneath the glaring errors. I know some people say 'oh just ignore that, I'll fix it later' but that only works when the errors are minor and rare, not when they're a massive part of the text.

KT

Club Grimoire Review:
Prologue:
The prologue’s tone is dark and foreboding. It is descriptive and full of wonderful metaphors; here’s one of my favorites: “it resonates through the stillness like a prayer in a church”
The opening scene, with the trapped narrator, catches my attention. I think the first person, present-tense style of writing works well.
The prologue doesn’t give too much insight into the narrator’s mind, at least not until the end, and it makes me curious to find out more about him.
Some nitpicking (I hope you don’t mind)
“I awake suddenly to blackness” this really should have a period after it instead of a comma.
“but fail to escape my turbid condition” This line feels a little vague, a bit abstract, and doesn’t capture the sense of panic the character must be feeling.
“robs me of all comfort causing panic to rise” should have a comma after “comfort” This phrase also feels a little understated.
“Help !” looks like you have an extra space between the word and the exclamation mark.
“I collect my scattered and tormented thoughts” this is a little vague and doesn’t really help me to get to know the narrator. He seems like a very interesting character and I would love to know what those “scattered and tormented thoughts” actually are.
“listening to my heart beat as if it seeks to pound itself to freedom in vanguard from the rest of my body” seems an odd way of describing this, a little overwritten.
“returns to me, this is what woke me, this is what called me” those commas should probably be replaced with periods or semicolons.
“It increases, like the blade is now twisting, held by the hand of hate, it has returned to punish me.” This sentence needs to be divided up somehow. Like: “It increases, like the blade is now twisting, held by the hand of hate. It has returned to punish me.” Or maybe: “It increases, like the blade is now twisting. Held by the hand of hate, it has returned to punish me.”
“gain relief from the pain” should have a period or semicolon after it instead of a comma.
“Wiping the grime from my face I stop to think” should have a comma after “face” and a period after “think”
“straining to avail myself freedom” sounded a bit odd to me.
“My senses start to return to me while I lie in the darkness, the roar of the night increases.” Should be divided up. Like: “My senses start to return to me while I lie in the darkness; the roar of the night increases.” Or: “My senses start to return to me; while I lie in the darkness, the roar of the night increases.”
“I feel a rush of excitement, a burst of incredible strength, I scent something.” Should have a semicolon instead of a comma after “strength”
“arms shaking violently with the strain; cause the slightest movement” should have a comma instead of a semicolon after “strain”
“I cramp from extreme hunger, it twists my stomach like a farmer wrings a chicken’s neck drawing knees to face.” Maybe: “I cramp from extreme hunger, drawing knees to face. My stomach twists like a farmer wringing a chicken’s neck.”
“I uncoil myself, my salvation is near, I sense it” each of those commas should be replaced by either a semicolon or a period.
“I scamper from the crypt” “scamper” sounds to me like something a mouse or a child might do, not a vampire.
“life giving blood” should be “life-giving blood”
“The right direction found I canter on” should have a comma after “found”. Also, “canter” strikes me as kind of odd, reminds me too much of a horse or a dog.
“need to feed” the rhyme is a little off putting. And it needs a period at the end of it.
“I hear a heart beat, it is close, my own pulse rises” those commas should be replaced by periods or semicolons.
“pounding out its rhythm of want and drool in anticipation” sounds like his heart is drooling. Should probably be “and I drool in anticipation”
“between me and my victim” should have a period at the end of it.
“I peer over the top after just one silent leap.” I have a little trouble picturing this. Does he leap up to see briefly over the wall? Or does he land on the wall and look down from there? This is a really tense scene and I would love to have a clearer picture of what’s happening here.
“I see her, her pace quickens, she senses something” each of those commas should be replaced by periods or semicolons.
“My tunic brushes against the wall with a metallic sound” This description distracted me a little bit from the story making me wonder: is he wearing something made out of metal, why would it make a metallic sound?
“her bare legs movement” should be “her bare legs’ movement”
“narrow hurried steps” should have a comma after “narrow”
“Her movements are erratic, she slips” the comma should be a period or a semicolon.
“stalking my prey” should have a period after it.
“from fifty feet away” should have a semicolon after it.
“thumping rhythm” should have a semicolon after it.
“I leap through the air” should have a period or semicolon after it.
“escape from bondage” should have a period after it.
“but I still need more” should have a period after it.
“She slips from my long grasping fingers lifeless” should be something like: “She slips, lifeless, from my long, grasping fingers”
“my obscure past has yet to reveal to warrant such cruel punishment” read kind of oddly to me.
His guilt seems a bit sudden. It might feel less out of place if you show him attempting to resist his desire to kill her, or regretting it even as he does so.
I hope this doesn’t come across as negative or anything; punctuation is really minor and easy to fix, and other than that, I thought the story was well-written, with an interesting character who I would like to read more about. On to the first chapter!

Club Grimoire Review:
Chapter One:
I like how this chapter is a switch from the vampire’s perspective, and instead has the police dealing with the aftermath of the attack.
There’s a lot of tension between Catherine and Madocks. He is attracted to her but she is absolutely not interested in him. He wonders if she’s able to do the job and she believes she has seen something strange near where the woman was killed. Catherine is an interesting, sympathetic character.
The scene where she retraces the dead girl’s steps is eerie.
Some nitpicking:
“what’s up?’ asked Catherine,” should have a period instead of a comma.
“Saturday night tiff then murder as usual” should have a comma after “tiff” and after “usual”
The first sentence in the second paragraph is really long and you might want to consider breaking it up a little. Maybe put a period after “inspector” If you decide not to the “his” after inspector shouldn’t be capitalized.
The description that starts “in her mid twenties”—at first I thought this was describing the body instead of Catherine since it follows right after “the body”. You might be able to fix this by putting a period after “the body” and then changing “she always” to “Catherine always”
“mid twenties” should be “mid-twenties”
“cops face” should be “cop’s face”
Should probably have a period after “studying the scene”
Should have a semicolon after “fitted his jacket”
“before midnight” should have a comma after it
“She was stunning” should have a comma after it.
“part time, barmaid at the Coronation, I’ve seen her before” should be “part time barmaid at the Coronation; I’ve seen her before,”
“Madocks, Nodding.” “nodding” doesn’t need to be capitalized.
“victim for a moment” should have a period after it.
“alone this late” should have a period or semicolon after it.
Also, the point of view seems a little muddled in this chapter, showing the point of view of both Catherine and Madocks. This is a personal taste thing, but I generally like knowing which character I’m seeing things through, and then staying there. That could just be me, though.
“her skirt down” should have a period after it.
“Well it was” should be “Well, it was”
“a while longer” should have a period after it.
“asking her for something” should have a semicolon after it.
“loads of evidence” should have a period after it.
“certainly unplanned” should have a comma after it.
“cleared up in a few days” should have a period after it.
“as we speak” should have a period or semicolon after it.
“most likely him” should have a comma after it.
“said The Inspector” you haven’t capitalized “inspector” elsewhere and should probably make them all capitalized or not capitalized. If you go with capitalized just capitalize “inspector”—not the “the”
“rubbing his hands together” this should be connected to the proceeding sentence with a comma.
“knew the assailant” is missing quotation marks after it.
“Asked Catherine” “asked” doesn’t need to be capitalized.
“human being” should have a comma after it.
“through Catherine’s mind” should have a semicolon after it.
“looks wrong” should have a period after it.
“too peaceful” should have a semicolon after it.
“murders before” should have a period after it.
“but I doubt it” is missing quotation marks after it
“answered Madocks’” has a stray quotation mark after it that doesn’t belong there.
“turned to walk away” should have a comma or semicolon after it.
“moon and sighed” should have a period after it.
“with her footsteps” should have a period after it.
“Her heart nearly thumping” should be connected to the proceeding sentence by a comma.
“this trick purposely” should be “this trick purposefully” and should have a semicolon after it.
I don’t understand the use of “__,” in the dialogue.
“burnt me” should have a comma after it.
“excess spillage” should have a period after it.
“getting jumpy” should have a comma after it.
“you’re new to this” should have a period after it.
“forget myself” should have a semicolon after it.
“braking into” should be “breaking into”
“muted hysterics” should have a period or semicolon after it.
“Again she turned” should have a period after it.
“the feeling grew” should have a semicolon after it.
“Strain her eyes” “strain” shouldn’t be capitalized
“death like calm” should be “death-like calm”
“a strange vision” should have a period after it.
Again, “scampered” isn’t a very threatening word and doesn’t really seem to fit with the tone.
“on four legs” should have a period after it.
“came into view” should have a comma after it.
“ridged to the spot” should be “rigid to the spot” and should have a period after it.
“she saw nothing” should have a semicolon after it.
“And Not wanting to be alone. His mean prank forgotten in an instant.” Should be “And not wanting to be alone, his mean prank was forgotten in an instant.”
“Well that’s a first, this job drives everyone to drink eventually” seems like a contradiction. If it drives everyone to drink, why would her wanting a drink be a first? Unless she normally doesn’t drink? Or it usually doesn’t drive people to drink so quickly? Maybe elaborate a little.
“latest and brightest” should have a comma after it.
“softened his expression” should have a semicolon after it.
“up the wall” should have a comma after it.
“old cloth” should have a semicolon after it.
“by the state of it” should have a comma after it.
“snapped recently” should have a comma after it.
“Well if you think its evidence then bag it but if you ask me we’re” should be “Well, if you think it’s evidence, then bag it. But if you ask me, we’re”
“it wreaks” should have a period after it and should probably be “reeks”
“would last” should have a period after it.
“evidence pouch” should have a period after it.
“path for a moment” should have a period after it.
“for my friend” should have a comma after it
“no bidding” should have a semicolon after it.
“enough to order .” seems to have an extra space or two before the period.
“back to life” should have a semicolon after it.
“what you like” should have a comma after it.
“quizzical look” should have a period after it.
“out of you yet” should have a comma after it.
“soulful music, filtered” doesn’t need the comma after “music”
“confused her” should have a semicolon after it.
“study the room” should have a period after it.
“men were sat” should be “men sat” or “men were sitting”
“it’s pretence” should be “its pretence”
“a decade past” should have a period after it.
“carefully watching, as Kev” doesn’t need the comma.
“No thank you” should have a comma after it.
“drink with me” should have a comma after it.
“shoulder forcing her” should probably be “shoulder, and forcing her”
“go of me” should have a comma after it.
“demanded Catherine, he just” should have a period instead of a comma.
“for good measure” should have a period after it.
“the Man” “man” doesn’t need to be capitalized.
“this if my local” should probably be “is” instead of “if” and needs a comma after “local”
“work on murder cases” needs a period after it.
“right temperament” has a stray quotation mark following it.
“grabbed me” should have a comma after it.
“buy you a drink” should have a period or semicolon after it. Same with “being friendly”
“throws us out” should have a comma after it.
“Pausing for a second” should be connected to the proceeding sentence by a comma.
“just that____” should be “just that—”
“lonely drunk” should have a period or semicolon after it.
“refuse to let go” should have a comma after it.
“poor bloke” should have a comma after it.
“knew he was right” should have a semicolon after it.
“just the catalyst” should have a comma after it.
“Her voice calming down” should be connected to the previous sentence by a comma.
“Alsatians instead” should have a comma after it.
“wasn’t the murder” should have a semicolon after it.
“grizzly scenes” should have a period after it.
“studying Madocks” should have a semicolon after it.
“expression, told her” doesn’t need the comma.
“our conceptions” should have a comma after it.
Oh, and what happened to the glass Madocks was drinking out of? And at what point in this conversation do they actually get outside? I’m having a little trouble picturing the physical details of this scene. I know Madocks is steering Catherine toward the door, and he’s still drinking out of a glass as he does so, but other than that there’s really not much in the way of physical details.
“happen again” should have a comma after it.
“in a heart beat” should have semicolon after it.
“look forward to” should have a period after it.
“as often as you can” should have a comma after it.
“have my books” should have a comma after it.
“she replied” should have a period after it.
“about the past” should have a period after it.
“That’s great, weird by great” should be “That’s great. Weird, but great,”
Sorry for the crazy-long comment. Again, other than punctuation stuff, I thought this was good.

Ian , I really enjoyed reading your vampire novel. Here's a little critique - I will remove it if you want to , what do I know? Try not to start paragraphs with 'ing' words - this can be distracting for some - and dont use too many adverbs.

A fine story - just needs a little editing. Best of luck.

AJB

Club Grimoire Review:

Prologue reminded me of the opening of Anne Rice's 'Vampire Lestat' where the main character is separated from the world but can still feel and sense life all around them. It was a very dark and chilling set up.

The switch in styles between the prologue and first chapter threw me a bit. I don't feel as connected to Catherine as to the 'vampire.' At this point she comes across as a bit shallow and one-dimensional, which does give you an opportunity to develop her through the rest of the book.

Best of luck!

Club Grimoire Review of “The Paladin Vampire” by Ian Oliver Jones

First impression: Your first paragraph is good, but it might need some punch to really nail me. You might want to consider staccato sentences, even sentence fragments and ideas separated by dashes; all are excellent ways to portray panic, forcing the reader into the frantic pace you’re going for. My nonstop mind came up with some suggestions, but I wouldn’t put something like that in a permanent comment (but I’m willing to pm you, if you like).

Even so, it’s frightening, claustrophobic, dark and hot. I’m beginning to get the sinking sensation that this person has been buried alive. “…as if it seeks to pound itself to freedom…”, “…held by the hand of hate…”, “…joyous, pungent, red elixir…”, “…like a prayer in a church…” – there are so many great lines here, just in the first opening paragraphs.

I’ve read through the prologue and first two chapters, and I think you’ve got a great premise so far: a vampire that loathes what he has become (and hints at once being religious), and a green detective trying to make a name for herself. So far you’re off to a good start, but I would humbly suggest richer development of your characters and their relationship. For now it feels a bit like I’m on the outside looking in, and I’d love to have a stronger grasp of Catherine in particular. Possibly you could play up her tendency to be self-conscious a little more, and her determination to rise above the stereotype she finds herself in—especially as she seems to be surrounded by womanizers. And Madocks seemed to have nothing but disappointment that a girl had been murdered, no compassion or concern at all, which made me strongly dislike him. I know absolutely nothing about crime stuff, but would it be possible that other policemen would be there investigating, too? This is just an idea, but maybe it would make Catherine’s sighting even creepier if she was the only one to have noticed it with so many others around, and she could even be wondering if it was a trick of the strobing lights.

In developing their relationship, I think I’d like to see why Catherine would be inclined to have a drink with Madocks at all, considering how slimy he is—unless she’s that determined to impress him.

I love your vampire. I love how poetic he is, and melancholy, and enslaved to his impulses. You do such a beautiful job of changing the voice. He feels very old somehow, even ironically chivalrous, possibly due to his language. He is both a mindless killer and a hero, and you’ve got a chance to get very complicated with him.

(I’ve spotted a few things like POV conflicts, some run-on sentences and missing punctuation in the dialogue, but, again, I’d rather pm trivialities than list them here. )

All in all, this has a tremendous amount of promise, especially once your vampire and Catherine meet (which I hope they do in a non-fatal circumstance). If you like, I’m more than happy to give you whatever pointers I can to help make this really shine. ^_^

~ Shelley

Club Grimoire Review:

Good description of the person trapped within the well. I mostly like his conversation with God, asking why he’s punished with his curse. It left me not knowing whether this was of his own doing, or even who or what his god is. It might be good to leave chapter one with the unknown of whether he’s truly guilty for his deed. Then that would be another mystery to be unfolded in the story. But, of course, I say this not having read the whole story.

N. LaRonda Johnson
http://www.authonomy.com/books/45790/anticipation-of-the-penitent/

I read the first 3 chapters

This book succeeds impressively at building and holding tension; it captures the attention of the reader, demanding the reader to keep going. There are many great phrases here too, such as 'denied the comfort of movement'; 'resonates through the stillness like a prayer in a church'; 'it (jacket) seemed to shrink a little more every time he wore it'; and 'spreading through her mind like ink dripped into water', to list just a few. You clearly have a real flair for this.

There are some definite grammar issues, but these are easily fixed. I'd suggest giving your m/s and a red pen to a trusted friend for an hour or two. Once sorted, people giving crit will have to focus on more useful things to you. Likewise, the odd misused word and the double spacing. On the latter point, have you tried editing in MS word with the 'hard returns' on?

Another thing I'd change is the occasional drifting from Catherine's to Madocks' POV, which I presume is unintentional? I think the passages with C&M would be better told strictly from C's viewpoint. You could cover M's lecherous thoughts through C describing her own feelings about and observations of M's behaviour towards her. Mostly you deal with this very well, but the reader, or at least this one, wants to feel secure in the pov of one character e.g.' "She is as annoying as she is beautiful" thought Madocks.' Next para we are back in C's thoughts. On the other hand, if these POV shifts are deliberate, you'll be bending the 'rules', which will be very challenging to pull off successfully, but I would wish you all the best with it because there are many, many strengths on show here.

I liked the strong characters, especially Madocks, who fulfils a fresh angle on the grizzled senior-partner cop. He was immediately reminiscent for me of DS Bill Ottley from the original UK TV series Prime Suspect. The dialogue and relationship between C and M is believable and entertaining and this reader was hoping they would get closer, but not too fast, because it is clearly going to be a journey worth witnessing; all the while under the threat of Templar, Andrew's, interest.

A word on the LP. It seems a little wordy and could be edited into a more punchy, enticing plug.

Good luck with this book. I have highly starred and placed on my WL.

JR
The Sea People
(former Club Grimoire member)

Club Grimoire Review

Unfortunately, the style of the writing in chapter one of "The Paladin Vampire" does not make me feel any sympathy for the narrator, and I would not feel inclined to read a whole book in this "voice". (This is very much my personal preference, I think, rather than a judgement on the book itself, so please don't take it as a criticism.) I think this is a combination of using present tense and short, staccato sentences, which (for me) means that the language gets in the way of the story you were trying to tell.

I don't think he would hear a spider spinning its web. I know you're trying to show that the narrator is super-sensitive to sound but that is pushing it a bit. I think more than a few readers might question the viability of that, at least at this point in the story, before we know for certain that he is a vampire (and presumably has super-human senses).

After all the build up, the attack on the girl seems a rather brief and prefunctory. I would have thought that the narrator would have relished it a little more--not to make the attack gratuitious, but to demonstrate how his lust and addiction have totally taken over his judgement.

The remorse he feels after he's killed the girl is very good, however. That did strike me as particularly realistic in the circumstances, and reveals a lot about the personality of your narrator.

Good luck with this book. It is certainly a new twist on the vampire genre. Sorry if my review seems a bit negative, but reviewing books can be a very subjective business and I have admit that chapter one of The Paladin Vampire is not quite my "cup of tea".

best wishes and good writing, John

Hi Ian, I read chapter 4. This is a good story, I like the way you twist Templar conspiricy and detective mystery into a vampire story. There is a lot of interest in this kind of story and I think it should do well as the characters are easy to associate with and the flow of the writing was fine. I love the idea of things being familar and things not when the Templar is looking in the shop window. I did note some Nit Piks:
'people are every ware' - should that be 'everywhere'?
'loves power in not diminished by death'.... should that be 'is'
Don't worry we all make typos like that, one trick is to read it back to yourself and you will notice glitches.

Kindest Regards and Best Wishes
Lenny Banks - Tide and Time: At The Rock.
Can I be cheeky and ask you to return my read, I would be interested in your feedback. Thanks.

Fantasy Club Grimoire Critique

THE PALADIN VAMPIRE
Iam Oliver-Jones

A Fantasy/Thriller. Wow does this ever move with a chilling beginning. I like the shift in Chapter Two to the other main character, assuming she is that. It's a great device to remove the reader away from the events of the first chapter where we meet the vampire, which was chilling enough at the outset. I truly read as fast as I could to see if he was going to escape what confined him. I should have known he could.

I believe you have a way of creating vivid metaphors that keep the reading spiced with words that made me smile. It is a multilayered style that reflects many hours of observation and study, or just plain talent. Probably a lot of both. I will not attempt to dissect the end result as, in my opinion, it is well done.

Thank you for the opportunity to read your writing.

Mary Enck

Club Grimoire Critique

I love the plot you have set up here--as a medievalist it's always nice to see the Templars pop up, and your pacing and the structure of the first chapter is great. Now, I'm not the biggest fan of books written in present tense, but that's more of a personal taste issue. What I don't think works is some of the unusual vocabulary, 'eschew my turbid condition' and 'open my inner ocular' might work better if you used more everyday words, as it is the prose has a bit of a pretentious feel to it that pulls the reader out of the story.

There are some times that this works, the depiction of the girls death has some very good imagery, but other times you go a bit overboard, and for example, when writing of the MC's hunger the sentences begin to lose meaning. 'Drawing knees to face, locking me in its cursed grasp,doubled the man and yet I am no man at all.' doesn't, I think, make any grammatical sense as a stand alone sentence. Were the first part to become part of the last sentence and the second part reworked or cut it would flow much better.

An all around good opening, best of luck!

KT

Club Grimiore comment

Very dark opening to the book. Horror stories are not my thing although I would watch a horror film. I am very interested in Templar history. The combination of the semi-secret sect and vampirism is intriguing. It is well written and i would read the 2nd chap when permitted. I have a feeling he truly regrets being the creature he is.
Pat

Club Grimoire Critique

Hi Ian,

This is a very strong beginning and what probably should be a despised creature is made over as extremely sympathetic. He isn't enjoying the killing and does it out of starvation and compulsion. It is interesting that he doesn't remember why he is like this and what made him so.

The templar is so caught up in his hunger that he doesn't register he is in a stone sarcophagus, nor does he realise he shouldn't have the strength to heave up the lid by himself. It is only after the feeding and the killing that the man inside starts to come back. He now notices how beautiful his victim was and covers her to protect her modesty in death.

I believe that the templars were monk knights, but they did not take a vow of chastity, only one of celebacy, which is an entirely different thing. The guys often kept mistresses, so it isn't surprising this former knight has an eye for female beauty.

There are a few missed commas in the text, but aside from that, it is very clean. I also learned a new word, which was amerce. Looking forward to the next chapter and thanks for the read.

Club Grimoire Review

Characters: As far as adult fantasy/romance go, you've created a good MC and/or male love interest that would appeal to those that read that genre. He's angst-ridden, brooding, and strangely worthy of sympathy despite his savagery. We don't yet know what he looks like, but of course first person stories rarely go into a dissertation of the MC's look right away - but I suspect he's not bad on the eyes. I feel, through your narration of the events that unfolded, and his internal dialogue, that he's a three-dimensional character so far.

It's too soon for me to understand your theme, but I'm thinking that perhaps you are focusing on the conflict of Man vs himself, with the underlying theme of learning acceptance of oneself. But of course I really have no clue from just one chapter.

You've given me enough information to care about this vampire and how he will learn to accept himself and control his urges. I would read on, and being the sort that likes vampire fiction I would read this first chapter and likely buy the book.


In the beginning paragraphs, I had an impression I would be reading a more gothic or historical novel, but as we moved on I learned due to his victim's dress that it is set in modern times - or at least in a time period where women would show that much skin. I think the rather formal style that the vampire uses to narrate to us his pain and suffering is what threw me. This is great, because it shows how old he is (at least 400-500 years old, right?) So, of course speaking more formally would be his way. The formality is another nuance of his characterization. Nicely done.

Setting: I like how you use other sense words instead of sight to convey he is in darkness, although i was a bit curious as to where he was exactly - a grave? a crypt? I'm thinking grave - one with a stone slab on top - but I think perhaps a little clarity here would give a more concrete perception of place. I'm also not entirely sure where it is he's chasing the girl. I'm assuming a park, since I doubt a woman would be traipsing around the forest in high-heels in the middle of the night. A little clarity here would help as well.

Mood/Tone/Development - Great portrayals of emotion and terror. The death of the victim was well done. I came away feeling bad for both - both victims in a way. I think your use of present tense gives the book immediacy and makes everything more exciting..

As a return read and now also as Club Grimiore review:

This chapter has a fast pace to it that I really liked and it corresponds with the scene. I'm guessing the constant double spacing is authonomy's fault (since I've seen it in other works), which is quite annoying, because it distracts me from the text.
I like how you start with his 'rebirth' as a vampire and lets the reader follow him into his new life, but I would have wanted a bit more emotion and depth. The text flows well, but I don't 'feel' your character, somehow. I hear an author's voice telling the reader what is happening. I think the confusion and panic needs more emotional depth here, as well as everything new that comes with becoming a vampire. You say he smells the blood - what does it smell like? What does he hear, see, feel around him? I missed this in this text.

Also, I think the shift between being a new born vampire to the first hunt was a bit too quick; he needs to realise what has happened to him and accept this before he should start to hunt, at least in my opinion.

You also have a knack of using commas when you should use full stops, so you need to look into your punctuation a bit.

Overall, I think you have a great idea and the pitch really had me intruiged, but I think you can work with how you deliver it language-wise.

Sabina Frost

Club Grimiore review:

Hi Ian!

This was a fast and easy read. I enjoyed the opening, the way you tookyour time and showed us and made us feel what it was for him to gradually wake up within his confines.

I have a few notes for you:

---I do like that opening, I awake...but consider eliminating the word 'nothing'. You go into a great filler afterwards and the nothing hinders your flows.

---You have a sentence that reads: I scent blood. Why don't you describe the scent to us and let us figure out the scent he smells is blood instead of telling us?

---You have three para' back-to-back starting with I's: I draw, I frantically, I wipe ...etc This format continues futher down. Try to interchange it a little so its not so redundant.

---typo: My next thrust upwards. I'm sure you mean, My neck thrust upwards.

---Okay, now for a little bit of clairty. At first I feel he is confused where he's at. Everyting is new to him but then bam, he is stalking his prey. So he knows what he is unless this was his first kill, I could understand the anxiety of first waking up to this life. Unless I missed something, maybe I did, you might want to clear this up.
Maybe: no matter how many times he awoke, the sound of a spider spining its web was always new to him.
Or something like that. This would tell us he knows what he is and when he kills the girl, it more impatful. Only a suggeston, not telling you how to write. God knows I need improving...

Well, that's it! Tiny nit picks.
Happy Writing....
Nancy
Backward Glances

CGR
Sorry Ian, I was supposed to mark my comments below as as CG review...

As a convert from fan to definite non-fan of the vampire craze (overexposure, I guess), I have to say that after reading your first chapter, I am inclined to read on and see where this goes. Mostly because of your opening scene - your description of his confinement and struggles are very well drawn.

The antiquated tone reflects the "Templar" themes nicely - however, be VERY careful if you are not fully comfortable with that particular style. Avail is completely misused/misunderstood from the author's point of view in your sentence "straining to avail myself of this prison" To avail oneself of a thing means to get it, or to make use of a thing/service, NOT to escape it.
However - and yes, I know it's a niggle, but agents would toss it out at one glance - repeated grammer errors are for me extremely off-putting. It causes the attention of the reader to catch and pause, spoiling the pace, and detracts from what has the potential to be good work.

Some of your descriptions are so very good - such as his victim's dead eyes 'catching the moons reflection' - but then all I see is the grammar error, which should be : moon's reflection.

The transition from ravaging, blood-sucking vampire to suddenly guilt-ridden is so sudden it felt contrived. We are all familiar enough with the guilt-ridden vampire theme to expect it, but in this first chapter it has been given no foundation at all. Let us back inside his head, even for just a brief moment, to find some clue as to the source of his guilt, remind us why he is conflicted.

All that being said, I think you have potential with this, and are obviously a story teller with a tale to tell!

Hi - this is a first chapter review from the Grimoire thread. First I would suggest taking a quick look at your short and long pitches - in the opening sentence 'redemtion' should read 'redemption' , then 'formally' should be 'formerly' 'memory's' 'memories', 'adpation' 'adaptation' 'Andrews' should have an apostrophe and 'the murders' follows a full stop so 'the' should be capitalised. On style "need to feed" could possibly be replaced by "need for blood" to avoid that rhyme, and "ultimately ends" - possibly drop the 'ultimately' as it adds nothing to 'ends'.
Now, for your opening paragraphs - I would suggest cutting down a bit on your protagonist's reactions to coming back to life in his tomb - the reader knows he's a vampire from the title, so s/he knows his situation and probably just wants to see him escape from it. I like the way his vampire senses react to the small sounds - that he's deafened by the sound of the spider spinning - this is original and good. Once he's out of the tomb you twice say he 'scampers' - a verb which suggests a child or a small animal running lightly rather than a full grown male vampire apparently in mail...and you have another 'need to feed'. When he sights his prey (not pray) he describes a girl in a short skirt and high heels - but he is a Templar - so he was last alive in the twelfth or thirteenth century...he will never have seen a woman dressed like this - he might even mistake her for a boy (boys in his time could wear short tunics over bare legs - women did not). He could be so blinded by blood-lust that all he sees is is a potential victim, but in that case he is unlikely to describe the short skirt and high heels without surprise. He feels "my every cell swells with warm blood" - would he know what 'cells' were - indeed would he know the 'foetal' position which he mentions earlier...
However there are some nice touches here, your vampire is interesting and I would read on.

good vampire story. brilliant narrative style that brings it all to life.
l will back...
read SEASONS...

Ian,
An interesting take on a vampire story. Andrew is a surprisingly sympathetic character, despite his bloodlust. The guilt he feels following a kill makes him likable.

The police investigation of the murders is an interesting contrast to Andrew's side of the story, however I found it hard to get into these segments, mostly due to the point of view constantly bouncing between Catherine and Madocks.

This would definitely benefit from a heavy edit to take care of grammar issues, but still an interesting read.
Kate

Hi Ian
I have read the first chapter of your book and loved it, Andrew seems likable despite his failings and Catherine gets my vote also. Not so keen on Madocks but hey, perhaps we're not supposed to.

I think the conversation between Madocks and Catherine could be cleaned up a little but that's a minor moan. The main thing is the characters work and the plot seems excellent. High stars and shelved, good luck from Mad.

PALADIN VAMPIRE
This is an intriguing story: a blend of serial killer, Templar and vampire stories. Madocks and Catherine are a good pair for your detectives; one experienced and one a newbie. Like the way they spar at each other. It isn’t easy to make a serial killer vampire sympathetic but you’ve managed to do that here. Despite how easily he kills, a reader can’t help but feel sorry for Andrew. Makes a reader want to follow him and see if he can change back to his old self as the story progresses. A good read, I’m starring this and adding it to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Terrific opening section that catches all the claustrophobia and panic of being confined in a narrow space. I thought it was a premature burial at first, then realized it was the awakening of the vampire, which added a new dimension to the story - very good start. You capture his blood lust very well indeed, and there is an excellent pace to the writing as he stalks the woman. I felt that you captured his guilt too, which added another dimension of interest to the character, which develops further as the book progresses.

I would be inclined to stop ch. 1 after the killing scene, and start a new chapter, as the police aftermath comes as a bit of an anti-climax. It might be better to encourage the reader to find out what happens next by leaving the chapter on a cliff-hanger note after the murder of the woman. Shorter chapters tend to be more effective anyway, particularly now on e-readers. Good characterisation between the two police officers.

Minor ch. 1 editing issues:

'...peel my eyes' is a cliche.
'...defending to me'. I think you mean 'deafening', as the sounds of the spider and mouse are amplified to the vampire (I thought that this was a very good way of presenting the raw sensory enlargement of the vampire, though).
'Pray' should be 'prey'.
Watch out for apostrophe misuse: no apostrophes in 'echos', and 'crys out' (but better to say, 'cries out'.)
Check your sentence constructions 2 & 3 in the trio of sentences starting with 'Doc says...' Sentence two and three are not right.

These are minor editing issues that need to be fixed in time, but the main thing is that you have a good story and believeable characters, which is what you have here.

Colin Neville

Ian (hopefully this one gets through ok)

I have read the first chapter. There are some typos (I have put them at the end of this) but they didn't detract from the story. I like the opening section where the vampire awakens. You succeed in getting across how he feels. His senses gradually come back to him and he is taken over by a strong urge to find fresh blood. I like the fact that he covers the victim before he leaves her and that he feels guilty.

The second part of this chapters contrasts well. You build a great rapport between Madock and Catherine. The dialogue between them is excellent and adds a little humour. They are both very believable characters with a strong sense of identity.
I particularly liked "She wondered if Madocks had ever fitted his jacket" and "She wondered how long it had taken for him to stain his fingers the same colour as his favourite drink"

Typos - part one
para 4 'I remember that is what awoke (woke) me'
para 8 '... while I lye (lie) in the darkness'
'I hear an owl hoot, a mouse ... '
para 11 'Again she cry's (cries) out '

part two
para 6 'his insatiable apatite (appetite)
para 21 '... but she was determined not (to) forgive him easily'
para 46 'Most likely the result to to (too) much alcohol, she guessed'
para 47 'I buy a drink for you! asked the man in a manor (manner) ...'
Also check the spelling of Catherine. Sometimes it is Catharine.

These can easily be fixed, and as I said above, they didn't spoil the story for me.

You have made a great start on this. It doesn't slot into the usual vampire storyline which is refreshing. I like the two detectives - they promise to add another dimension to the story.

Starring and wishing you lots of luck.
Debbie
'Speedy McCready'

As an older adult, fantasies about vampires are not usually what I choose to read, but this is an excellent book! I disagree a bit with the other review that this needs finishing. I think it is finished well! While I can't speak for the rest of your book, what I've read so far is very well-written with a well-paced plot, great imagery especially of a vampire waking from a long sleep, and excellent dialogue. I think your book, so far, is near flawless.

I was surprised to find myself totally captivated by your story and your characters: Andrew, of course, is the most interesting character so far. He regrets his impetuous murder of the young girl and sets out to "drink the blood" of only men who are criminals, rapists, scum-of-the-earth types - which, indeed, he does with his next victim who is raping a young woman. Madocks is, as the author intends him to be, a dislikeable character. Although he recognizes Catherine's beauty, he is a course, rude, cynical old cop and not at all kind to Catherine. Michael Simmons is a pleasant addition to your story when he offers Andrew a ride to Herefordshire where Andrew, centuries ago as a Knight Templar, hid the fortune of the knights many of whom were being burned at the stake.

I like the way you used Andrew's thoughts to describe his awakening and to give background on the Knights as well as Andrew's own history as a warrior monk. As a reader, I found the amount of detail given in this way to be sufficient to let me know needed information on Andrew's earlier life. The plot moves very well and I'm glad that you do not rush into the affair with Catherine but give time to develop the story through a series of "murders". You do an especially good job of alternating between Andrew's tale and the investigation of the murders by Madocks and Catherine.

I'd like to read to the chapter where Catherine meets Andrew and they start looking for a cure, but I will have to wait until your lovely book is published. I will certainly be one of the first to buy it. You are a very talented, gifted writer and I'm happy that you've decided to devote some time now to writing. Your work is excellent and should be published. Many stars for a great beginning! and best wishes for your success. :-) Pat

A-ha!! A fellow free-spirit!

Hi, I'm Dan!

I like your work, am would like to request in advance whether you'd consider reviewing my work when its uploaded in a matter of days/weeks. It's called Heights of Obsession: The Rise and Fall of the Futurenaissance. From one fellow Tolkien fan to another, check out the Hobbit trailer on Youtube. The Dwarf song puts a lump in your throat!

Thanks for your time. Dan!