The Shadow's Touch

Wow, a very well written piece .Dark,violent and in some places disturbing,but all amazingly written throughout,and with a good strong narrative throughout. This is definetly a unique twist on the vampire genre and I will definetly back this and read more. Great writing!

Bree,
This is fantastic! It was such an exciting story and one of the most creative plot lines I have seen in a long time. I love Jace and Ashe's characters. I love how you managed to work in some very surprising twists, like Lori and Alec. Your descriptions were amazing and I found it easy to put myself in the shoes of your characters. It can be daunting task to take on that many characters in one story line and give each of them such dominant roles and personalities, but you did it beautifully. This was an amazing story and I can't wait to read some of your others! Great job!

-Bella
Fallen from the Stars

I agree with a few of the comments i have seen on here, Vampire stories/films i normally avoid, but after reading only the first chapter i feel compelled to return.
I am in awe of your descriptive writing, to the finest detail, it is as if i was standing side by side with Ashe, i could see everything, who needs movies when there are writers like you :). I admire your style and the dedication and time you must have invested in structuring a story where with near enough each line you reveal a new frame or aspect of it in the purest of forms.
Your selection and delivery of words, plus a suspense filled plot make this a great read. Thankyou

I love this. I'm not just saying that. I'm not a big fan of vampires, haven't been in a while, thanks to their overplayedness in today's media. Your story and composition as such is amazing. I'm a huge proponent of bleak and dark, and especially in a world as believable as this. You've created a very fun little universe here, and it's been a treat to experience it.

If this doesn't end up published, heads will roll. I'm sure it will come on the heels of a vampire uprising. A very sexy one at that.

Awesome stuff! You have my approval.

Hi Aubree,

I don't usually read vampire fiction - I'm more of a zombie fiction enthusiast and was not impressed by the 'Twilight Saga' - but your pitch sounded so unusual and, for want of a better word, bizarre that I started reading it a couple of day ago. I'm really glad that I did - your writing and your story are both superb! I loved the fact that you immediately started with such an enormous event. The entire opening section was terribly dark, shocking and strikingly well written. This is omething that clearly continues throughout.

I was really impressed by your characters. They are realistic and the dialogue between them flows effortlessly. You are, without a doubt, able to make your reader really care for your protagonist from the off, with their back story carefully planned and details given at the right time. Your descriptions are outstanding, with settings created in the reader's mind in perfect HD clarity!

You have a true gift for writing, Aubree, and I wish you all the success in the world with 'The Shadow's Touch. It is without a doubt the sort of novel that could not only be published, but sell very, very well. High star rating from me and my firm backing. You are also on my watch list, with a space on my bookshelf once one becomes available. Congratulation and the very best of luck!

Ryan
'The Angel of Prophecy'

Hey there!
I did promise to read your book and I stopped by a little while ago to read some, i just never made a comment (I don't think anyway).
I read up until after the rape scene. Let me say - we have a theme in common with the rape at least! I found it very powerful. You can certainly feel the emotions of the victim and it's not only terrifying for both her and the reader but I love the way it's not written in a way which is offensive. I thoroughly enjoyed this. You have a beautiful way with words. Your descriptions are unfaltering.
You'll certainly go far m'dear!

Serena
Madeline x

Wow. This is one of the darkest vampire type books that I’ve read in a long time. Thanks goes to author Ally Payton Melin for not making her vampires glow in the sunlight and play baseball in the rain. The Shadow's Touch is a true horror tale, yet it also doesn’t shy away from having some romantic elements. I think this is the way a lot of readers will want to go to get away from the kiddiefied vamp titles that are out there today. Melin’s work could rival a lot of what even Steven King has done in the field.

John Breeden II
Old Number Seven

I have read quite a lot of this now and here are my comments: this is pretty shocking and full of horror. Your descriptions of the smell of blood and the grisly train, etc are excellent. And then - the end - since others can read my comments I won't say any more. I think it needs a bit of editing - sometimes I think you may have mistyped. There is one instance, I think in Chapter 5, when Lori is the protagonist but you refer to her as 'I' - unless I have misunderstood.
CJ Bowness
The Accidental Adventurers

just finished! What a story! Though i kind of feel that it ended a little abrubtly--maybe could've used one more chapter, or even extending the last one a little bit--explaining how Ashe moved on without her best friend Lori. Although ending it with just the statement that Lori was dead makes the reader put ideas into their own mind of how Ashe went on--everybody interprets their own way. I wasn't expecting to like this book, but as i got further and further into it, i got to care for Ashley very much. I cared for Lori, too...but it took a little longer--she's just so much more brash than Ashe. i loved the relationship that developed between Ashe and Jace--wasn't expecting that, either. Nice touch with them being able to talk to each other telepathically, too. i love when there are characters that are that connected to each other--you always find yourself rooting for them. was dissapointed that Lori and Alec couldn't make it work and that jaina thought that she could get Alec back by just winning about how sorry she was--personally, i would've preferred Alec and Lori to end up together and Jaina be the one that died, but still a great story...very nice writing with a tricky subject matter. you always left me wanting more! Can't wait to read your other stuff-----very high stars!
Erin

now i see why you said you loved "charmed". finished chap 7 and in the descriptions of the different "groups" it totally seems familiar to me--i can just picture the "council" underground in scenes like when Cole was going to take his oath as "the source" or when Piper gathered up her "knights of the round table" when she had the excaliber sword. all the talk about vampires, werwolves, and witches....very "charmish"...but i mean that in a good way--it makes it a little more relatable to me as i remember those episodes. it does get a little confusing trying to keep straight who is who--but i love the fact that Nick is one of those on the "council" and Duke has no idea who he really is! Ashe really seemed surprised when she saw him, not to mention when she finally came face to face with her "vampire rapist"
it gets bettter and better the deeper and deeper you go (in the chapters, not the neck--ha!)
Erin

Chapter 6--kinda funny that being a vampire is no great big deal to everyone. Jace and Ashe had a conversation like normal people on a date--or like on the morning after. she wasn't freaking out about what happened to her and that her life as she used to know is now basically over. then when she tells lori--how lori at first doesn't believe her, but then doesn't seem so surprised. it's just so casual. like i've said before, i never really got into the vampire craze of the last few years with the "breaking dawn" franchise, so on one hand, it's hard for me to believe that everyone just accepts the vampires without any real question. but also once again, i find myself being entertained by this story and keep wanting more chapter after chapter--just finished chap 6 and am looking forward to what chap 7 will bring
Erin

Finished chapter 5 & just starting into 6...still got me hooked. Was a little hesitant of having Lori and Aiden hook up after just meeting at the bar...but love the fact that both don't want it to be just a one night stand--they want it to develop into something more. Was totally not expecting the knock on the door to be Aiden's daughter Bailey (awesome name btw--I used that for one of my characters in At This Moment)--good twist. Thought it was funny that Lori got so insecure thinking it was Aiden's wife and she started thinking he was the biggest prick. :))
Finding it interesting that Ashe is now a vampire (or vampire in training) and that she was attacked by one vampire but is now "involved" with a different one--one that seems to really care about her. And she is totally turned on by the feel of and needs "the hunt" of flesh and blood.
Cut to the begining of chapter 6 where she wakes up and doesn't have any idea where she is or what has happened to her.:)) Had to stop there for now--but can't wait to see where it goes from there for both story lines...Ashe and Jace and Lori and Aiden--great job keeping me in it, Ally!! :))) Just another btw--fan of soap operas? Right now General Hospital has got a vampire storyline going on--so I've been learning a lot about the subject recently :))
Erin--power of 3

Read chapters one and two... OMG!!! Freaking great. The 'rape' scene was really heavy, and quite scary, brilliant. Moving on to chapter three, I'll get back to you with some more insightful comments soon, ha ha.

Well done, high stars so far,

kind regards

Claire C Riley
Limmerence

This definitely has the potential to be a good story. There were some typos and the use of words, such as "frost" in close proximity that detracted from it somewhat. Also, I think it needs some polish. However, I'm not saying this is a horrible story. I liked the pleasure and pain aspect of the rape, though I think it needs to be polished and, perhaps, intensified. There are some good descriptions, but with all the vampire stories on the market these days, it really needs to stand out.

Dived into chapter 14 - and afraid just way too many mistakes to keep my attention. Suggest you get a pro edit - but quickies for you to look at in the first 20 paras...
- He paused and I swear I could the scornful grimmace plastered on his face
- ....not the time to ooh and awe over my... (think you meant 'aah')
- She's my Gaol. (Gaol is 'jail' - think you meant Goal?)

Sorry - not my kind of book, but am sure it has a market. But before you go anywhere, though, get it edited properly. XX

Simon Herring
Sorry for that!

Bree,

Talk about a fast-paced plunge into darkness! You were right that this isn't my genre per se, but objectively, you are a really strong writer. You did a good job fleshing out the protagonist's character and giving her a strong voice, the pacing was good, and boy, did you ever set up some good suspense! The amount of detail you give is perfect for the target audience, as is your writing style in general.

I only take issue with the following. You use the AS-construction and ING-construction too much in your narrative sections, which editors often hate because it weakens the writing. (I found this out the hard way). I'd go through and thin them out.

For instance: “I swear I could feel the ground rumbling AS she shoved by the attendings and planted herself down beside me on the cot. Her heart beatING out of her chest AS she leaned down over me, squishING me deeper into the bed, “What happened!” She shook my shoulders, starING deep into my emerald eyes.”

First off, the second sentence is a fragment. But speaking to the AS/ING constructs, you could leave the first sentence alone, but change the second to be: "She leaned over and stared deep into my emerald eyes. 'What happened?' Her weight squished me deeper into the bed." Just a possible suggestion.

There's an awesome book called Self-Editing for Fiction Writers by Browne and King, and they have an entire chapter on this. I think the advice they give would tighten up your writing to the point where you'd get published.

Again, though, REALLY good read. High stars.

The Shadow's Touch

As requested in the pitch, I am commenting on chapter three rather than chapter one or two. I went ahead and just skipped to chapter three, as my reading time is limited, so I'll keep my comments to technical issues rather than plot/pacing, etc.

My biggest issue with this chapter is POV. This may be personal preference, but I found the shifting between first person POV (Ash) to third person from her friends' POVs distracting. Each shift made me pause as I was reading, which isn't something you want your readers to do.

The little flashbacks to the rape and Ash's reluctance to think about it or tell her friends were good in the context of picking this up in chapter three, but I wonder if the flashbacks are needed if the whole incident is described in the first two chapters.

I didn't feel that the coffee shop scene added much to the story, and it didn't do anything to make Lori and Duke likable as characters.

These comments are just one opinion, and hopefully something here can be helpful. Best wishes.
Kate

{" I bailed after the first chapter.

Stylistically/technically, I think you would benefit from a professional editor, as it needs some serious polishing before submission for publishing.

But that wasn't my issue, really, which is this - I just can't support this theme of dramatic writing: adolescent vampire rape fantasy. I'm not even saying that the initial rape couldn't be the plot point of the story. But the words you've chosen to describe the act are at direct odds with what is actually happening and it comes off as titillating and seductive rather than an act of violence."}

ALLY i have to defend you in this

On the fact that the "vampire poison/venom" made Ashe "enjoy" it is some what, a chemical reaction to "a vampires pray" looking at vampires as a species from a biology perspective; I would say yes, its actually very big possibility. Whether it would be pheromones that draws the pray in to wards them or a chemical they relies in there saliva. Many writers write vampires as supernatural creature, were as when its written with a some what of a biology stand point it makes it so much more convincing , as in "Trueblood with the crying of blood ".
Also not all people, go through a traumatic experiences the same way , due to the fact that Ashe own mind contemplates between reality and supernatural and the reality and disbelieve that she is actually going though what she feared . The fact that she only discovers what she has become later on speaks that for it self .
Some people are just mentally stronger dealing with trauma. Also the point of blood lost making here some what delusional as what is happening to here. There's so many aspects to play with in that one chapter and Ally brought it through in here own creative way . Also there isn't just one story plot going on here there are several as each caricature find them self facing there own loss/ trauma/dilemma there lives just being entwined in to one another.
On the fact that it was seductive well du! (pheromones) Its one of the aspect of vampirism that makes us so fascinated and intrigued by them. The Dark tall, the intriguing eyes, the mystery, the seduction of there dark presences.
And last but not least take it from MR. GRAY "Fear is such a fragile thing so easily created, so easily broken"

I bailed after the first chapter.

Stylistically/technically, I think you would benefit from a professional editor, as it needs some serious polishing before submission for publishing.

But that wasn't my issue, really, which is this - I just can't support this theme of dramatic writing: adolescent vampire rape fantasy. I'm not even saying that the initial rape couldn't be the plot point of the story. But the words you've chosen to describe the act are at direct odds with what is actually happening and it comes off as titillating and seductive rather than an act of violence.

Sorry, what?

This is the only comment I've bother to reply to, because its so ridiculous.

The rape being titillating was relevent to the plot. Talurian (the rapist) is a vampire and their venom causes her to feel this way even though she's in major conflict with the idea.

Furthermore, it's not an "adolescant vampire rape fantasy"... There are so many issues with that statement, one being, I'm not an adolescant... The second being, the reason it starts with vampire rape is because personally, I like the fantasy genre. I wouldn't read a book that wasn't fantasy/sci-fy, so why should I write one?

In addition, I wanted to break away from the stereotype, so I started it with something dramatic and horrid.

Don't be a prick.

~ Ally

I'm another person that has gotten my fill of vampire books, movies and television shows. Which is why I was apprehensive to read this, 'Just another vampire love triangle, like Twilight, The Sookie Stackhouse series (True Blood on HBO) and The Vampire Diaries.' This pleasantly pulled me away from those thoughts in the middle of the first chapter. I would definitely recommend this to others that are like me and have had their fill of the aforementioned books. Your characters are believable and presented as such. You have brought the reader into the world of your characters seamlessly. I especially like the name of the doctor, Doctor Decker. The Shadow's Touch will go far, good luck, best wishes.

Bryon Decker
The Strans Curse
Dear Mr. Killer

Gurl! First , wow thanks for contacting me and asking me for a book swap, or else i wont have found this hidden gem.
I take back what i said in my msg earlier , your book is truly unique yet you still kept it some what traditional. I loved it every chapter got me wanting more, very dark but then don't we all like dark pretty things ?
i do feel that the caricatures was a bit emotionally distend from each other, but then again there resigning and thought patterns suits there personality. the first chapter was very raw and open i loved that!
and the fact it plays of in one of the best country's in the world just made it so much better (sorry i love the cold )
Grawr! I so want Alec!
You have truly created and written a brilliant piece here is it wrong to say i want more I truly hope you will enjoy mine as much as i have enjoyed yours! High stars Babe
Wulf
The Wulf Chronicles

This is an incredibly written piece. This is not my usual genre but you asked if I'd read it and was honored to do so for you. I think its well thought out and provokes the imagination of the reader. I think you have great talent and it will go far. I would love for you to read one of my books, if any interests you. Thanks for sharing this great story with us. i only read chapter one so far but will be back at some other time. High Stars from me and your on my WL for now.

-Lyn

The writing is generally good and a little editing would make it very good. Personally, I burned out on vampires with Anne Rice and just don't get the current craze. A lot of people will like it, but it's not my thing.

So far, I have only been able to read the first chapter, but I was honestly blown away by it! The way you write is simply amazing, and with each word you made me beg for more! Everything that happened in chapter one... holy cow it was so intense and terrible but amazing (in the way you wrote it) at the same time! Normally, I am not one to get sucked into a vampire novel, but this one is unique, I can tell already, and I am completely hooked! I hope to read more in the near future!

I'm not a huge fan of swaps, but if you ever have time to check out one of my novels I'm working on, preferably The Caelum Project, and let me know what you think, I would greatly appreciate it. :) Keep writing!

- Lauren
The Caelum Project

an interesting first 2 chapters...i never got into the vampire craze of the last few years--ya know, bella, edward, and that other guy...though i was a little intrigued when i was a kid with the old black and white vampire movies with bella legousi. so, even though this book is a little out of the comfort zone of what i usually read, (romantic action/adventure, comedy, crime stories) i thought i'd give it a try. you've definetly got me interested--the first chapter was very discriptive about the subway. i've personally never ridden in one, but obviously i've seen them in movies and tv. at first, i actually thought there might've been too much discription in everything about the subway. and i don't totally understand why the girl didn't yell out for help as she was being attacked, or that she didn't try to fight back. we find out in chapter 2 that she had some sort of rape whistle with her when she first meets lori, does she not have it with her at that time? a little confused, but you got me hooked to want to find out what happens next--good job! btw--i actually drive a 2000 black sunfire--how cool is that? can't wait to read more.....
Erin--the power of 3

Ok. I'm at the end of chapter 7 so this is just some initial thoughts.
Positives. Ashe and Lori are really well-drawn characters and there is a nice contrast between self-obsessed Lori and the kinder, more thoughtful Ashe. Chapter 1 is a great start, dragging in the reader with the tense attack complete with gruelling, uncompromising detail. The story moves along at a brisk pace with romance, sex and humour keeping it fresh and fun.
On the downside, I'm not sure about the switches from first to third person. It doesn't seem secure and one Lori section switches between the two. Ashe seems very willing to go straight back out to a bar after enduring a brutal rape. Also, and this may be just me, but I'm not keen on the endless rewriting of vampire mythology. I'd prefer them to be inhuman monsters again, rather than cuddly types with dietary issues.
Anyway. In my opinion it needs a bit of tinkering, but, overall, I think it could do well. The audience for vampire stories is huge and this is cool and sassy enough to appeal to many of them.
Good luck with it,
Dave

I bailed after the first chapter.

Stylistically/technically, I think you would benefit from a professional editor, as it needs some serious polishing before submission for publishing.

But that wasn't my issue, really, which is this - I just can't support this theme of dramatic writing: adolescent vampire rape fantasy. I'm not even saying that the initial rape couldn't be the plot point of the story. But the words you've chosen to describe the act are at direct odds with what is actually happening and it comes off as titillating and seductive rather than an act of violence.

Very good writing, goes on the consideration wall for later.

Wow, a very well written piece .Dark,violent and in some places disturbing,but all amazingly written throughout,and with a good strong narrative throughout. This is definetly a unique twist on the vampire genre and I will definetly back this and read more. Great writing!

i LOVED IT, what i read so far wow. i am 33 at home mom i didn't make it to collage if you can't tell by my story!! however i have wanted to write since i could read i think i have good ideas, but im not sure if the story's good to other people i haven't published anything ever. the asylum story was my first shared one. i have a few in progress but i don't know how long they will take i type slow. im inusa are u? I was just wondering, i notice not many people anywhere near me ha ha. you have A good night

Aubree, this is very good writing in my opinion. There is so much about writing a good book and its not just having a good story and putting across well. This is very clever as you have incorporated everything into the book to contribute to its success. You have a brilliant descriptive voice and that in itself does it for me, but what you have done is taken the flow, the pace, the premise and the character descriptions and blown it out of the water. So well done for that. I loved this and can only see good things for it.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) Please consider me for a read or watch list wont you?? Many thanks. Sean

Aubree,
Sorry this has taken me so long. I had a chance to take a look at chapter 4 this morning (you had asked for anything after CH 3, so I jumped in here.) I am not going to comment on the flow of the story since I am jumping in at an awkward place, but the one very obvious and glaring thing going on here is POV. This chapter starts very obviously in Ashe's POV. She is telling in first person what is happening. Ashe does not go to the restroom with Lori, so all of that portion cannot possibly be known by Ashe who is telling the story. The POV then comes back to Ashe still talking in 1st person to Duke and Lori returns to tell them about the phone call. But Then Ashe leaves the bar and the story is once again back to being told in 3rd person. I think,you need to decide on one style of POV. If Ashe and Lori are the 2 main characters, their portions of the story can both be in 1st person, but they need to be separated in some way to denote POV change.
The other thing you might consider is not making references to specific artists or songs. I say that because publishing takes time and you don't want your story to be dated by bygone artists.
I hope that is helpful. It's just my impression of one chapter, so please feel free to ignore it!
All the Best!
Mindy

I read a few chapters. It’s a little too graphic to be my kind of story, but the writing is thorough and excellent. You’re obviously talented. I think this work will go far.

MiriamNConde
The Immortality Experiment

A modern vampire tale with some interesting new twists. I like the story, I like the characters.

One thing I have a problem with is mixing first person narration with third person narration. This is very tricky to pull off. You tell half the story in first person (1, 3-6, 10, 14) and half in third (2,7-9,11-3, 15).

First person of course gives you the immediacy of the experience, but if you really want to tell your story from multiple perspectives, third person is going to work much better for you, and my best advice is to switch the first person chapters to third person. You lose some of the intimacy and immediacy, I understand, but at least from my perspective, your book will read better that way.

It's a good story. I hope you at least consider this single point I'm raising. Changing to third person would not be difficult or even terribly time-consuming.

I wish you the best with your book.

Mark
HELL'S SUPER

Hi there,

Sorry I didn't get around to reading sooner. It's been a busy two weeks. I'm also apologizing because I could only get through chapter 6 given my time constraints.

I'm kind of curious about the tone of the piece. It's really dark all the way through chapter 4. Ashe was raped. She has to deal with the fear it continues to inspire. Lori has Kate steal Brian. Even Duke doesn't know everything about his Nick.

Chapter 5 though kind of puts a bright smile in an eerie way on the story. Ashe discovers she's a vampire because of Jace and they flirt while killing a prostitute. It's almost a YA superhero story when she acclimates to her new life as a vampire. I would really try to darken the whole chapter, perhaps by having Ashe regret having killed a woman to survive.

Also, the whole Jace taking on Ashe feels a bit like Blade and Whistler plus flirting. It seems a bit convenient that he's there to help her and seems to make Ashe's transition and her life in general a lot easier than it could have been.

I'm also curious as to what I'm supposed to take away from her scene with Aiden and Bailey. It's really hard for me to see Lori as much as a main character as Ashe given how interesting and exciting it is to follow Ashe. If Aiden has a bigger role to play later, I would try to foreshadow it a bit more.

I'm also a bit surprised as to how quickly Lori is to believe Ashe about being a vampire. Using a ton of drugs is a lot more believable than something from folklore really existing. I could understand her believing Ashe once Ashe bared her fangs (maybe Lori does that for proof instead of fun) but Lori doesn't seem that credulous a person to me. She questions if Aiden spiked her drink but is willing to believe in vampires?

Just some thoughts. I really like a lot of the elements in the story, as well as some of the innovative characteristics of vampires you've introduced. I just feel that the tone gets a bit muddled in these intermediate chapters and that scenes could benefit from more focus.

Cheers,

TFM :D

Very dramatic.
The twist is interesting for sure.
You tell a story very well even with all of the blood and horrid things going on.
The emotions are so vivid it is scary and deep.
Toni

The Shadows Touch. Nice character build, but seems a little slow after the first two. I think that you've built a good story, though and will keep watching it, It is quite different than other vampire stories I have read.
CADreilling - The Line Beginnings

hi there,

I came across this book when you messaged my friend :)

great start, love the theme, the romance, the vampires (though we're not supposed to), and the battle between love vs hate, light vs dark, horror vs romance, etc

will keep on my watch list and look forward to reading more
also, mayhaps consider joining the WTF group? your book would fit right in (see link below)

Jaclyn x
It Never Happened - http://authonomy.com/books/47822/it-never-happened-a-max-cole-story/

invite to WTF: http://authonomy.com/forums/threads/106125/wtf-write-the-fantasy/

Terrifying encounter. Good descriptive writing. I enjoyed this thoroughly. It's on my watch list and I will return later to read more. Can you review mine.
Randall crane and the vampire of Whitechapel.
Mark 01684

Dear Bree,

I am very tired.

Here's what I found-

In chapter 8- The waitress that takes duke's and nick's orders says "What can I get you boys?" I feel that if they are out to a fancy restaurant that the waitress would say something more along the lines of "Is there anything I can get for you two fine gentlemen this evening. Perhaps a peek at our wine selection to start the evening off?" Also the waitress wouldn't say that she would bring their drinks "...in a bit..." that shows poor service which we hope doesn't happen in restaurants so perhaps say she'll be back in a hurry and cut the bit where she says she, "...will be back to take the rest of their order..." That much is obvious. (I work in restaurant's so I nit pick :p)

When Nick goes into the bathroom- Richard pushes the woman forward but I believe he would push her "away" from him.

Split- "...But be sure that he is the one you will stay with(.) It is not a light subject..."

In the first person for Ashe- I feel you should start off by saying, "It had been three months since Lori and I had last seen each other... since I had last seen her lying in that cold hospital bed..." or something that makes it known right off the bat that it's been 3 months.

Near the end of chapter 8 - "...jumping up down..." should be "...jumping up and down..."

"...look a sip..." should be "took a sip..."

Change- wedding ring -to- engagement ring

And I noticed that you had Nick saying that he was alive during the 1500's but he would have been alive during the 1400's even if it was just for the last decade.

"...freak out now right now...." should be "...freak out right now..."

"...should called the plumbers..." should be "...should have called the plumbers..."

And lastly, the whole bit, "Aiden had dropped her off;.... in case their relationship didnt workout..." doenst really fit into this last section because the story is being told through Alec's eyes and we don't know it's Lori yet.

Tired,

-Jack

Hey Aubree!

I know you say in your pitch that you don't want anyone editing chapters 1 and 2 but I thought I'd better read them anyway otherwise I wouldn't really know what was going on! I read chapter 3 so I'll give you some more detailed comments on that chapter.

A very racy and almost disturbing start! You definitely make an impact with chapter 1. Difficult for me to say much about it because my style of writing is very very different! It was a difficult read for me, but you have vivid description and an excellent vocabulary and it's great for the genre.

Interesting change between first and third person. It works, but it's unusual!

Okay, so chapter three:

-You're inconsistent when writing Dr. Decker's name - sometimes you write 'Dr. Decker' and sometimes 'Doctor Decker'.
-'Macbeth by William Shakespeare' - I don't think you need the 'by William Shakespeare' bit here. Everyone knows who 'Macbeth' is written by!
-Your dialogue in this chapter is great but I think it goes on for a little too long! There are a lot of unimportant things that need not be said and they sort of interrupt the plot. This chapter could be a lot shorter. Like the whole bit about the coffee and the Asian woman... I mean, I don't know if you're leading up to something with it, but if you're not, there wasn't much point to it!
-I found the accents really distracting. This is just my opinion so feel free to ignore it.. I just have a personal distaste for writing phonetically (but lots of writers do it so don't get rid of it if you like it)
-The end of this chapter is... I don't know... slightly anti-climatic. I know that Lori's reaction is realistic, but I think that's what makes it a bit of a let down. I don't know!

Overall I'm very impressed with your writing - you're extremely eloquent, fluent and often very funny. Very much enjoyed!

High stars! Well done and good luck!

Alice
'Solitaire'

Dear Bree,

I hate to admit it but I really struggled with chapter 5. I found many spelling mistakes, punctuation errors, and some things that made me question.

First- You use "snow" and "Icebergs" to describe "pale". But when I think of an iceberg I think of a brilliant glistening white that reflects some blue of the sky and ocean. Same with snow. I think of pale as looking dull and mortal, not brilliant. But that's just me, it really had me thinking.

Also I was wondering why Ashe's lips were blue, "...down toward my blue lips."

There was a point where you described Aiden's eyes as being "brown" and then in another spot "dark brown eyes"

In the fourth paragraph when Lori wakes with Aiden, you switch to first person for only that sentence.

There are two spots where you state Lori has emerald eyes, "...her emerald eyes sparkling..." "...her emerald eyes gleaming..." This I am not sure about because I wasn't certain what color Lori's eyes were but I knew that Ashe's eyes were emerald.

Lastly- I feel that Ashe's acceptance of becoming a vampire is too anticlimatic. She lost her life, became a monster that feeds on other human's. I wouldn't be so okay with that.

I've loved your book thus far and will definitely continue it's just this chapter that really took me aback. Sorry for all the criticism.

-Jack

CWOG Review:

Hi, Aubree;

I love the description and the atmosphere you have evoked on every line.
"I could feel my heart thundering a tattoo on my ribs..." Awesome imagery.
Your dialogue is consistent and engaging.

Nicely done high stars.

David

Bree,
This is fantastic! It was such an exciting story and one of the most creative plot lines I have seen in a long time. I love Jace and Ashe's characters. I love how you managed to work in some very surprising twists, like Lori and Alec. Your descriptions were amazing and I found it easy to put myself in the shoes of your characters. It can be daunting task to take on that many characters in one story line and give each of them such dominant roles and personalities, but you did it beautifully. This was an amazing story and I can't wait to read some of your others! Great job!

-Bella
Fallen from the Stars

Hi Aubree,
'In a tantalising manor - should be manner,' but the rest reads very well. I could feel the cold morning air, gave me goosebumps...in a good way. Will read more when I have time. On my WL. High stars.

M.J
The Magpie King - a children's story.

A refreshing and darker twist on the current range of soppy vampire books out there at the mo. bravo for taking it into a new direction. The first chapter is polished and puts the range of emotions across very well. You have created characters that can be connected to on many different levels. Though the following chapters could do with a little polish it's nothing that effects the story in any way and its only commers and odd word here and there but it's easy to spot in others work, I know my work is the same. Again a brave start to a brave book you have the makings of a great writer here.

Lauren

I agree with a few of the comments i have seen on here, Vampire stories/films i normally avoid, but after reading only the first chapter i feel compelled to return.
I am in awe of your descriptive writing, to the finest detail, it is as if i was standing side by side with Ashe, i could see everything, who needs movies when there are writers like you :). I admire your style and the dedication and time you must have invested in structuring a story where with near enough each line you reveal a new frame or aspect of it in the purest of forms.
Your selection and delivery of words, plus a suspense filled plot make this a great read. Thankyou

Hi Aubrey- Ashe is is a great character and I am enjoying her interactions with Lori. You excel at dialogue (though I will admit to not being a big fan of Duke's slang) and your book often reads like a really good movie or television script.

I am hesitant offer any criticism to such a fine writer but will offer that the transitions between first-person and third-person voice are sometimes weak or even non-existent. In chapter nine, for instance, we have the binding ceremony getting underway (very creepy) and then we switch to Ashe and then switch again to the wedding reception, and it just left me feeling a bit confused because Ashe was not present to describe the ceremony and reception, so who is telling these parts of the story?

On the other hand, I really like the energy you put into the characters. The encounter with Jace in chapter 10 is very erotic. I like it when Ashe says things like "For god sakes, I am a blood-sucking fiend...". I have a ways to go yet, but am wanting her to get tough. I want her to reveal her nasty, vampire side. Instead of biting her own lip, she should bite Jace's lip (or other parts of his body) :)

Really good job!

Finally a vampire who is not covered in glitter and afraid of women.

When I was young, people used to be afraid of vampires and werewolves. Today, people want to be vampires and werewolves, the kids more so. This will go well in today's market. Iy i well written. The naarratie flows gracefully and the dialogue is sharp. I will come back and read the rest, but for now, five stars and backed.

Aubree,

I read the first 3 chapters, and found myself wanting to really caring to know what happens to Ashe and Lori. Your writing is very good. Great use of dialogue. Gripping descriptive scenes. Loved it! Good job. Congratulations.

Celine Zabel
Lives Shattered: One Mother's Loss at the Hands of the Legal System

Hi Aubree,

Welcome back. Very powerful opening chapter, extremely well written, very intense. Quite disturbing actually, but I think that was what you were aiming for - definitely succeeded. Sorry didn't see your comment in the promo about not editing chapters 1 and 2 until I'd actually done it. Did find some minor typos in the first chapter though:

"...and night and are found three days later..." should be "...at night and are found three days later..."

"...the stain on the seat..." should it be "... the stains on the seats..."?

"...decade old bolts... " that would be for a relatively new train, I think you want "...decades old bolts..."

"...more tears drop my down my cheeks.." should be "...more tears drop down my cheeks..."

"...forward which such strength..." should be "...forward with such strength..."

"...to be one with monster..." should be "...to be one with the monster...'

"...floor of subway car.." should be "..floor of the subway car..."

Scott Butcher (the Merlin Falcon)

Very good rendition of Bram Stoker's vampire genre trying for some degree of uniqueness with unforeseen twists and turns in the story. Principally, this has been achieved with a multiplicity of sub-plots, which some may find over-complex, but I would counter that argument suggesting that they add depth and richness to the overall exposition. Highly starred.

Clive Radford
Doghouse Blues

Dear Aubree
To begin with, it's great to see a new take on vampire fiction. There's just so many Twilights out there that it was great to see a new twist on the old myth.
General thoughts on CH1, 2: Great intro in the first chapter. Great way to start, in the middle of the action. Got a great creepy vibe with the abandoned station. You have a great way with descriptions and with the words that really sucks the readers in and I could visualize everything. Really great atmosphere as well! Really, really creepy and disturbing scene on the subway. Qute scary actually but tastefully done, at least. Well done. The second chapter is just as powerful as the first. Just as emotionally charged and descriptive.
Okay on to the next chapters!
CH3: Love the dialogue and banter between Lori and Ashe. Okay, I love Duke. I really do but I think you might be over doin’ it with the ‘gurl’s. Maybe cut back a bit.Also, sometimes his slang can be a little hard to understand. One specific example I had trouble with was: “Kay gurl, too bad ye didn’t know a anywhere.’ I had to re-read it another time before I finally got it.
CH4: I think at the beginning of Ch4, you need to tell the reader how much time has elapsed. When I first started to read it, I was shocked that she’d be going out to a club so soon. I kept reading and assumed hat it has been a while but I need clarification would be better for the reader. And Ashe expresses that she is still not used to having a gay Jamaican friend. This actually confused me to the point that I thought maybe this was from the night of the rape, like before she left? That was cleared up a little after but why is she still unused to it?I mean, in the hospital, she saw Duke and his boyfriend practically getting it on, and there was the dirty talk about the banana. It seems strange that she’s be surprised when he talked about another guy’s ass…
Great pacing so far. You are great at keeping the plot going and keeping the reader interested.
Great story so far. I noticed a few typos through the four chapters I read ex. Capitalizing words that don’t need it such as Ambulance, Auburn etc. Maybe just go through your work and check. Remember: only proper nouns needs to be capitalized. Otherwise, I really liked the way you capture the readers attention at the beginning. Great start and you continue to keep the reader intrigued by your quick pacing and snappy dialogue. Great work so far.
- Pamela

The Shadow's Touch/Aubree Elena Melin
Scary stuff and I'm not even into vampires! But having said that, I think your story becomes believable, because the reader, in this case me, was right there, feeling and experiencing the attack and the aftermath it left. So for what I've read I give you high stars. Unfortunately, I do not feel confident enough to suggest editing points.
All the best
Kindest regards
Maretha
African Adventures of Flame, Family, Furry and Feathered Friends