Aethunium - A Steampunk Story

This is a well written and easy to read story which gets going straight away. The language is simple and I do think it would have universal appeal to fans of the genre. Having said that, I'm not all that familiar with the steampunk genre so it's a little difficult for me to comment in too much detail on its appeal. However, I would think that good, polished writing with a strong plot speaks for itself.

One constructive comment I would make - please ignore if you don't agree - is that I felt Mueller seemed a little cold in the scene at the end of Chapter One with his daughter. She is talking about her mother who has passed away but as the reader, we're not being let in on how he feels when she says these things. I imagine he'd be quite emotional, even if he tries to hide this from his daughter. Perhaps this could be fleshed out to give that scene a little more impact.

But that's a minor point - all in all, a good read.

Thanks for bringing it to my attention,
Annabel.

This is wonderful and I was hooked from the get go. You gave a lovely description of the time setting, with Victoria and the horse and moved with ease into the scientific stuff. You made it very easy to understand with your flow and I love the idea of time travel, so I will be reading on. Top stars!!

Green crystal-powered teleportation and time-travel. Steam engines, bat-winged cars, cranks and cogs and goggles. The chess-like positioning of European powers with their global empires and espionage-led scrap for scarce resources at the turn of the century, with the clouds of the First World War slowly gathering. Who could turn down such a read?

Despite its fantastic premise, the author creates a believable universe with vivid imagery and interesting historical detail. The narrative is a mix of scientific fact and plot-driven story-telling, with a nod and a wink to the pulps of the 20s.

A few minor (and hopefully constructive) thoughts that might help further improve what is already a strong tale: The opening chapters would benefit from fewer adverbs (e.g. fewer uses of "immediately" and "instantly") and more specific verbs (e.g. "glinted dully" ~ "glowed"; "went faster" ~ "accelerated"). While the dialogue is for the most part entertaining, the meeting with Mueller's boss includes a few too many exchanges where the characters sit and tell each things they already both know (e.g. about the Gravitum crystals). Where possible, it would be preferable for the characters to do things and show us what's happening through action rather than talk about them (e.g. Mueller's boss could point to/tap the periodic table, rather than saying "a copy of which hangs here on the wall"). The short coda at the end of chapter 1 with Victoria seemed a little out of place and slowed the pacing - it includes important information, but could the "Mommy exchange" be worked into the start of the chapter so Mueller can go straight from the meeting to England? This would add to the sense of urgency around Miller's mission to England. Finally, in chapter 2, I would expect Miller to have done his homework and to know where the mine/Hampstead is (or at least keep his ignorance to himself to avoid giving the game away).

Overall, these are all minor criticisms. The novel was a fun romp of a read, spiced with fascinating trivia for the technology history buffs out there, and I recommend it with stars.

(Incidentally, the opening chapters reminded me of one of my favourite exchanges from Blackadder IV:

Captain Darling: "I'm as British as Queen Victoria!"
Captain Blackadder: "So your father's German, you're half German and you married a German?". )

Read and enjoy!

David James Kane
The Scattersmith

That was fantastic! I didnt see that coming at all and I really enjoyed reading this. Great job!

I love your dialogue, which is beautifully done and flows very well, and your highly imaginative world combines sci-fi with history in a perfect blend. Have to say, it's not quite my genre of books that I usually read (my mind tends to skip out when the technology of things and how they work gets in) but I'm sure your book fascinates those interested in engineering and sciences. Well done!

I love your dialogue, which is beautifully done and flows very well, and your highly imaginative world combines sci-fi with history in a perfect blend. Have to say, it's not quite my genre of books that I usually read (my mind tends to skip out when the technology of things and how they work gets in) but I'm sure your book fascinates those interested in engineering and sciences. Well done!

Hi Kirk.

Brilliant opening. Loved the speed and pace of the narative> At first I thought it may be a little bit unreliable but then the directness of the dialogue, the back and forth, the pathos and snappiness put pay to that notion. The characters are very well drawn especially the main dude. I look forward to reading more. Nice straight froward language. Meuller. Great name!

High Stars.

I really enjoyed reading this story! The description and the way you've introduced the story is brilliant- it really brings the world that you've created to life, immersing the reader in from the first. The topic is truly original and engaging- I love it! Well done!
Magdalena

Hi, Kirk.
I just finished your first three chapters, and I think you have a great book here. I had no idea what a steampunk novel was, so I was pleasantly surprised to find such an entertaining story. Your writing has a wonderful flow to it, and you have a great imagination.

In Chapter 1, I enjoyed reading about the relationship between Rupert and his daughter Victoria. I loved the flying car. I liked Rupert's relationship with his boss, and how he tries to joke with him. The chapter ends on a bittersweet note when Victoria asks her father to bring home a new mommy.

In Chapter 2, we meet Dr. Maria Meyers, who will go with Rupert into the mine to extract the crystals. Perhaps a romantic relationship between them will ensure. In Chapter 3, the cab that Rupert and Dr. Meyers are in is being followed, but the passenger seems to disappear into thin air. Once they get to the mine, Rupert stands up to the skeptics and assures them that Dr. Meyers will do fine in the mine. The chapter ends with the aethunium samples being gathered. We already know from Chapter 1 that these crystals could lead to time travel.

So far, this is a very intriguing tale, and I plan to come back and read more soon. I suspect that you will have much success with this! High stars and best wishes.

Sara Alley
Ghost Town

Although I have never read a proper steampunk novel before, I have read HG Wells' book 'The War in the Air' which was written just after the turn of the 20th century. This was supposed to be a science fiction novel at its time, but is today considered something of an alternate history novel with strong leanings towards being steampunk.

Somehow I am reminded of this book as I went through your story.Your narrative is simple and straightforward and shows a very direct undiluted approach to getting on with the story - which is refreshing. Added to this is the short, crisp and no-nonsense dialogues, and I get the sense of a very clear headed narrative and a very strong plot-driven story.

The beginning - for me - was a great way to start a novel of this kind. You introduce your main character not directly as an agent in something fantastical like the 'Kaiser's Intelligence' in an alternate world, but as a doting father and a loving family man. That is a brilliant move as it allows the reader to connect with Mueller on an emotional real-world level before being drawn into the fantasy like setting of his life. It almost lends a sense of legitimacy (if I may) to all the steam-punk setting that gets described later. To keep this up, you have ensured that this core personality of Mueller is reflected upon every once in a while as the story progresses.

Of course, one of the most critical aspects of this novel is the manner in which you describe the steampunk technology, and

here is where you could try to avoid generic words like 'levers','devices' and 'machines' and use instead words that are more technically oriented. The reader should get the feel that the technology is being described by someone who comes from the world that is being described to him for whom all this is second nature. A narrative that uses more professional sounding words, coupled with the sheer out-of-this-world manner of what is being described can bring in a sense of realism that can make the whole setting stand out. Of course, then there is also the danger of making it too technical and textbook-like, but if a balance could be worked out, it would be swell.

One part of the narrative that jars a little is the place where Mueller attempts a bit of humour with Kirchhoff, imitating a Prussian professor, then joking about naming the crystals after his daughter's pony. This apparently jolly dimension to his personality seems a bit out of place with his job profile, confuses the manner of relationship he has with his CO, and seems a bit at odds with the idea of him as a serious and loving father at the very beginning. And it feels like a completely different person compared with the brilliant way he comes out in the first and the last paragraph of the first chapter. The humour does make a more believable appearance in chapter 2 when he remarks that it is always dark in a mine, but the humour aspect in chapter 1 may need some work to integrate it better with Mueller's personality.

One thing missing as Mueller aka Miller moves about England in chapter 2, is a more experential description of the country - especially of what your idea of steampunk London and Birmingham would be like. A couple of paragraphs here and there in addition to the information already given would help in constructing a more solid setting for the story. Somehow, London and Birmingham do not get the same kind of rich description that Cologne received when viewed from the sky in Chapter 1. The description of the setting is sorely missed in Chapter 4, where Birmingham Mason Science College is mentioned, but not described in the least until after the calf gets born where it is mentioned as a Neo Gothic structure.

I've read four chapters now, and the novel has me hooked. I'll post more when when I'm done with a few more.

Raj Devan
The Snarl of The Enemy

Hey Kirk, this book is so wonderfully written. I felt as it I was there! The dialogue is so natural, so beautiful! Love this book! :-)

I love this! Max stars! It's very engaging, which I thought might not be the case because it's a little out of my usual. But I did not have to suffer through - it's great. I haven't read the whole thing, but I have read a good chunk of it and I just keep sitting here thinking, 'what is a steampunk'? If it bothers me much more, I may google it. Surprisingly, I actually think it is a better read than the ex-pat wives, and I did like that pretty well. So here are my random thoughts as I was reading:

Chapter 1: "Rupert Miller, Freiherr von Landheim" I'm confused... Is this the same person (with the Freiherr part being a title of some sort??) or two different people, in which case there should be an 'and' in between them...

I like that even though this is a bit of a fantasy / fictitious type world (I assume, from the car being able to float on air) your references to historical scientific advancements are accurate. (James Watt, Michael Faraday, etc.) It grounds the story, which is something that I personally need when reading. I can suspend reality, but only to a certain point. So I like that you have grounded it in reality.

I love the playful accented dialogue Mueller briefly engages in. Enough to accurately depict the personality and tone at the time but not so much as to annoy the reader in deciphering it.

Thoughts on Chapter 2: Hmmmm... You've switched from Mueller to Miller. I understand the reason; he's English now and no problem with him using that name in dialogue but for some reason, I don't like it that the narration also uses the new name. I want him to just be himself - Mueller. Just my two cents...

Thoughts on Chapter 3: "Didn't miners carry canaries" I love this because just before I read it, I was thinking that, wondering if there was going to be some tragedy soon.

Thoughts on Chapter 4: I like that we find out a little more about his daughter; I had wondered how old she was. For some reason I was a little creeped out with Meyers having hazel eyes the same as the dead wife. It's kind of like he's trying to find another one of her. I'd have liked for her to be different than the dead wife, but that's just me.

Thoughts on Chapter 5: My favorite part: "That rejoices me very glad." I love it. You must speak both languages to be able to write it and and explain it. What I wouldn't give to know another language... (besides the extremely limited Spanish I can speak on the level of a Spanish one-year-old....)

I'm not much of a reader of historical fiction - just isn't my interest. But you've done well with what you've written. Your descriptions of the people, their mannerisms, the flying car, etc were all well done. I could picture it all with great detail. I think this story definitely has potential.

Okay Kirk I'll be honest. Because of time and other novels on here that I've promised to read, I normally keep my viewing down to around the first 4,000 words. I can usually gauge from that weather or not I'm going to like the book. With this one, I'm still reading. The plot seems cast iron and the characters are larger than life and wholly believable. I've definitely got my eye on Dr. Miller.

It is an extremely well written and professional piece, which makes me very envious, and it flows easily and well making it easy and pleasurable to read. I believe that even those who are not into steam punk would enjoy this and what a movie it would make. I have to agree with Annabel below about Mueller and the end of Chapter 1. However, I put this down to a defense mechanism and his trepidation of losing control if he dwelt on the matter. I prefer to think of him as broody, the way 007 is in the novels and I see a lot of comparisons between the two while they still retain their individualities. I will certainly be reading this one to the end my friend. And I will highly recommend it. God Bless Kirk.

Well constructed and elegantly articulated. Your writing seems professional in its presence, yet informal in its style. The dialogue is particularly convincing of what would be expected from the time that you have set the story in. Characters are made to be obviously different from each other, showing that you are comfortable writing different personalities for everybody through the way that they speak, and relating to this are the relationships that are shown between characters. It feels natural and believable.

Some aspects to this story could be improved however. At the beginning, the daughter is introduced with the father, but in a literary perspective, it is difficult to see the point of this. Does this set the scene for what is to come? Does the backdrop pose any significance for future events? It feels redundant, although this can be rectified if the writing indicates any sign, whether direct or indirect, of what it's purpose in the story is. Redundancy can also be seen in the exchange between the main protagonist and his boss, where the boss recounts everything that they both already know. Even though the writing is very natural and has an engrossing quality to it, it feels like you are forcing information onto the reader for the sake of the reader, rather than it being natural to the story itself. Information such as that could be used, but better if it is implicit rather than made explicit.

All else being said, this is an engaging and exciting book. Filled with an air of mystique, this is reminiscent of old sci-fi classics, especially with the style and narrative adopted. Writing is simple yet elegant. It is the plot above all else that serves as the fuel for the story however, which you use to full effect with splendid consequences.

Ambitious Fox :)

Hello and thanks for the really good read. I think you have a great piece. You obviously like H. G. Wells and the time machine. I loved Biggles.

I think your story is good, really good. If I was to offer you input on top of appraisal then I would say give a little more emotion when Robert Mueller is uncovering his rather awesome bat car. It can fly. What I mean is his thoughts (his voice as opposed to your narration voice) could be little more felt. But I really like your concept, idea, and writing. Will be reading your novel in its entirety over the next week or so.

I think you'll love my sci-fi novel so check it out and leave some tips and comments.

Good luck

Stephen James
Millennium Zero G

Hi Kirk, You didn't disappoint! I was with Mueller from the beginning. And came back to read after he was arrested. I enjoy your writing, became engrossed in the story, and will come back to read the final two chapters. So you score on all points, you grabbed my attention, I remembered the full story up to where I left off, and I need to know the ending.
3 small niggles, engrossed as I was,
#8 para begins "Ich will.. ought to end coughing loud[ly]
#8 para begins "Aus, jump out..." sentence "more sailors.." reads a little clunky.
Also #8 para begins "A shot..." guns [needs comma] poking.
None of this spoilt the enjoyment. Very best wishes in your ranking, Morven

A tale that encourages the art of steam punk and its venture between science and reality. I can indulge into this tale again and again. Depth is perfectly understood with your style of writing. Clear, simple, and deeply emotional. I found a strong connection with Mueller and his sense of life. It was more than a refreshing overlook of modern/classical steam punk. It was a well detailed, inspiring, and hooking Victorian-like read. I advise to keep your strength throughout the rest of the novel so that the flow will also come across constant.


With Love
Alexandria

Hi Kirk, Sci-fi, spies, and the age of steam - what's not to like? Certain phrases stick in the mind: counting 1,2,3 1,2,3 for the waltz, surely everyone who has ventured into ballroom dancing has done that, but then, a little later, it was nicely counterbalanced, or emphasised, with the counting down of New Year's Eve. 3.2.1. followed by the kiss and embracing. Was it your intention to include the music of Strauss the Younger on the final day of his death? I am still no wiser as to the classification of Steam Punk, but if this is it, that's another genre to add to my "love reading list". High Stars, still on watchlist, I'll be back for more. Best wishes, Morven

Very, good read. Easy style, good flow. I get the steam part, but still mystified about steam punk. I realise that you needed to put the piece in about his daughter, but personally, I would have had the meeting as the opener to set the genre of the story. And then gone to the scene with his daughter. I'll put this on my watch list and come back to read more.
Best wishes
Morven

Aethunium – Review – Chapters 1 – 4

Highly entertaining romp in the steam punk style with an energetic pacing and some interesting characters. Some fabulous descriptive passages (occasionally let down) with some nicely flowing dialogue in various dialects, so well done.
OK, so interesting mix here, 1800’s, nicely set, but with skyscrapers and flying classic cars… where are you going? Well explained after the break, well written and intriguing. An alternate history yet with the same dire outcomes with the Keiser… The mixing of all your technical details from Victorian to ultra-modern was well described and handled, drawing the reader in without alienation.
Chapter 2 rollicks along, has the feel of a secret agent flick, except that Miller/Mueller seems like a bit of a dolt at the end. Maybe he should have done more research, or just shut his mouth. Into chapter 3 and I was worried that the UK was too backwards until you introduced the AeroCab, so well done (do you get an Aero chocolate bar with each ride?) Nice local dialect here too. The mystery is building slowly, but steadily, which makes me wonder how long your actual novel is, not that I’m bothered, the pacing seems about right so far.
I was worried that you hadn’t thought of an escape route, but I think by the end of chapter 4 you have one in mind. Perhaps it is almost better not to mention it and to make it more of a surprise, to add suspense, to throw it at the reader when they least suspect or when they feel all hope is lost… just a few thoughts. Anyway, some notes so far, hope they’re not too intrusive and assist in some way.

:DJ
The Maia Calendar

Chapter 1:
Garage gates – should this be garage doors?
Zeppelins as fat grey cigars – nice
and got out – GOT is fairly unimaginative compared to the wonderfully evocative prose you have generally used
“The scotch bottle…” – should be - A scotch bottle
“…trait in your next…” – DURING would be better than IN
“…to keep the balance of power stable…” – don’t require STABLE here as the BALANCE infers this.
Flambé line – nice
Careful o fusing BUT to begin a sentence, it is a conjunction.

Chapter 2:
The man shielded his eyes…” – 2 appearances of FROM in same sentence, variety might serve you better

Chapter 3:
“…purchasing mining gear” – I could have done with a little more detail here, it seemed a bit throwaway compared to your previous chapters – so full of description
“But Miller, for some reason…” – BUT should be HOWEVER, and I don’t think you need FOR SOME REASON, you give the reason later…
Careful missing comma before BUT
The man shone light – I know what you mean, but it is a bit awkward

Chapter 4:
JUST THEN… is a little prosaic… doesn’t fit with the general quality of your prose. You might want to revisit that line.

Yours is a story worth reading! Great job with this, truly. The first few chapters I read were so beautifully written I sailed through them not realizing the time! I firmly believe you will find great success with this story. It is not typically my choice genre, but you made it worth my while. So, tremendous job!

Mueller is great. Meyers is exactly how I would wish her to be. The storyline is full...time travel! Can't wait to learn how you end it! This is a well-polished story. I don't see any wasted words or unneccessary scenes. If it suited you, I could agree with Annabel and wish for a little bit more of an emotional connection with Mueller about his wife's loss, but your story definitely doesn't suffer without it.

Glad I read it, and high stars!

Caitlin

If this is typical steampunk, count me in. This was very interesting and enjoyable, very well written.
Maybe I misunderstood, but if the Gravitium was only discovered five years ago, why was Mueller's grade school teacher talking about it?
It confused me at first when you switched to calling him Miller, but I figured it out.
I appreciate your inclusion of a gender bias towards Meyer, and I'm interested to see where you go with that. Maybe you address this later, but it would be interesting to know what's caused Mueller to be less discriminatory towards her.
Only got to the first three chapters right now, but I will definitely be back for more. I really want to know what happens!
Stacy

Hello Kirk, I hope that things are going great for you, but I would love if you could spend some time and have a look at my book Peering through the past the museum of hurt. Thanks Beverley-Rose.

Hi,
The beginning is quite interesting and engaging. It is pleasure reading it.

Kalpana

Intruiging writing, packed with brilliant ideas and images, I really enjoyed it. The plot is interesting, quite compelling, it hooked me straight away. I love the idea of the crystals and their effect in the space time continuem. A really good read, I will be back for more! High stars!

Hi Kirk,

I read the first 4 chapters, and it's brisk and entertaining. The delivery of the calf was a little surprising.

I think you might want to consider a few things. (i) more odd steampunk technology might be fun, (ii) there are some modern colloquialisms, or objects, that took me out of time and place, that could be caught by a third-party editor (iii) some of the dialogue could flow a little more naturalistically, or with a clear 1899 voice, (iv) some of the regional accepts are quite hard on the ears. Also, some of the streampunk I've read has been quite edgy, I don't know if that's part of the genre, but this feels quite PG. Maybe some more 'steam' (if you'll pardon the weak pun.)

Best of luck with this!
TSWS
The Theory Of My Wonders (undergoing name change to 8 Wonders.)

This is very well written and I like it very much. I have some cognitive difficulty, so it is hard for me to read for very long at one stretch. However; this story has hooked me in the first chapter. Your style is excellent. You are able to give the correct amount of detail and information without overwhelming the reader. Very well done!

I am impressed and am going to continue to read as I am able.

I've never heard the term steampunk before but I'm enjoying the mix of history and sci fi. I'm going to watchlist it and come back for some more.

I enjoyed the genuine voice of your piece. The dialogue is smooth and not forced and you do a great job with details. Also the clean writing is a plus. I think with the right audience this will be a great hit. The European mannerisms are great, and the progression of the story into each section/chapter is well thought out. I wish you the best of luck with this.

Auna June
Catalaysia: The Curse of Five

So this is steampunk. (I suppose Downton Abbey must be steamposh.) The "science fiction" is highly imaginative though it relies on some cliched characters and plot-lines. The writing is sound but could do with another set of eyes--chapter five introduces us to an impressive site (sight?) to behold. The main characters are noble and somewhat predictable. This would be a good, pleasant but not memorable read.

This is a well written and easy to read story which gets going straight away. The language is simple and I do think it would have universal appeal to fans of the genre. Having said that, I'm not all that familiar with the steampunk genre so it's a little difficult for me to comment in too much detail on its appeal. However, I would think that good, polished writing with a strong plot speaks for itself.

One constructive comment I would make - please ignore if you don't agree - is that I felt Mueller seemed a little cold in the scene at the end of Chapter One with his daughter. She is talking about her mother who has passed away but as the reader, we're not being let in on how he feels when she says these things. I imagine he'd be quite emotional, even if he tries to hide this from his daughter. Perhaps this could be fleshed out to give that scene a little more impact.

But that's a minor point - all in all, a good read.

Thanks for bringing it to my attention,
Annabel.

HI, i iiked the concept and the way it was laid out - reminded me of the 'flashman' papers.

Im sure you edited it pretty well, but one (minor) thing that hit me was in the first chapter where 'her father was proud of her' - it felt a little like i was being drawn out of his pov and into hers.

Alan

HI, i iiked the concept and the way it was laid out - reminded me of the 'flashman' papers.

Im sure you edited it pretty well, but one (minor) thing that hit me was in the first chapter where 'her father was proud of her' - it felt a little like i was being drawn out of his pov and into hers.

Alan

Very interesting narrative and I do like the way you've woven historical events into your story. I do look forward to reading more. Food for thought on Chapter one. Easy to visualize the story with excellent flow. Rupert is an interesting character and you have given your readers a view into some of the traits of the aristocratice class of the late 19th Century. You may want to think about revising some of the dialogue, as most aristocrats would have viewed themsleves as being peers and with that, would have likely used first names. In that group, rank and title are guarded and would have likely used military rank rather than the simple Herr Mueller. For example, if Rupert had been an Oberst (Colonel), his servant would have used the title Oberst when addressing him. I know that it minor but just something to think about. As one of the folks commented below, I think you may want to consider replacing Vitcorian with Gothic. Anyway, look forward to reading on and best of luck! Phil

Kirk, I've only had time to read your first chapter so far, but I'm running out of my morning authonomy time so I'll comment now and read more later.

In principle I find the steampunk genre fascinating, but I'm not very familiar with it's literary expressions. Yet it seems to me your first chapter answers to the appeal of steampunk, offering a chance for the reader to visit a world of semi-historical techno enchantments. My own impression, for whatever reason, is that steampunk cries out for zeppelins, so I'm glad you give us some early on. I think you bring the reader back into an older time by making the key element in the scenario a pair of crystals only recently discovered in mines. This feels like something that answers to an older expectation - the idea that undiscovered elements await discovery by humanity, ready to unlock new potentials of technology. And like this expectation, Mueller himself answers to this older expectation of a pop-classic James Bond-style hero - sophisticated and debonair, witty and charming (though with the added benefit of being a caring father to his four-year-old daughter).

I'll keep reading and post more comments later...

SF42 review of Aethunium

**WARNING – THIS REVIEW CONTAINS SPOILERS **

As a fan of the Girl Genius webcomic and inhabitant of the country that purportedly invented the genre (the Czech Republic), it's good to see some steampunk here on Authonomy :). I hope this mild fanboyism doesn't affect my review too much- I will try to be as harsh but fair as in my other reviews.


Chapter One


"she'd received as a present yesterday"

should be 'the day before', instead of 'yesterday', since you're writing in the past tense.


"swinging her in his arms and giving a kiss on the cheek"

should be 'giving her a kiss'


"his mannerism and poise revealed unique European nobility."

This is a little clumsy. Suggestion:

"his mannerisms and poise revealed/betrayed/confirmed his unique noble lineage."



"Mueller could see Cologne, with its Victorian-style steel skyscrapers"

I know it's an incredibly minor point, but would a major city in the Prussian Empire copy the architectural style of its old enemy, the British Empire? Maybe I'll read on and see that they aren't really enemies in this world, or there's some other explanation for it, but wouldn't a Gothic style be more appropriate for the skyscrapers here?


"A late Merry Christmas greeting to you too, sir"

A bit of redundancy here, and a little awkward. Suggestion:

"A belated Merry Christmas to you too, sir"


"You don't mind if I have a drink, sir?"

should be "Would you mind if I had a drink, sir?", unless you're having him deliberately talk in this slightly awkward way.


"opened a drawer of his desk"

should be "opened a drawer in his desk"


"as if they were derived from a madman"

should be: "as if they were derived by a madman"


"perhaps allowing the powers of instant teleporting and even time travel."

should be : "perhaps allowing the powers of instant teleportation or even time travel."


"more than just some math scribbling on a blackboard"

should be: "more than just some mathematical scribbling/scribbles on a blackboard"



"the British Empire would be invincible in all areas of the world: industrial, cultural and military."

should be: "the British Empire would be invincible everywhere in the world/in all aspects of life: industrially, culturally and militarily."


"Out of all his years as a field agent"

should be: "In all his years as a field agent"



"I'm afraid that your governess has to take care of you"

should be: "I'm afraid that your governess will have to take care of you"


Chapter 2:


"Although the structure was at one time a marvellous cast-iron and plate-glass wonder several decades earlier, it today looked more like…"

A lot of redundancy in this sentence. Suggestion:

"Although the structure had been a cast-iron and plate-glass marvel several decades earlier, it now looked more like…"


A couple of times in this chapter you say "extract/extracted out of the mine", where "extract/ extracted from the mine" would be better I think., in the second instance "not a single crystal has been extracted out of the mine", it should be 'had' instead of 'has' to match the tense used throughout.


"Miller was impressed by its sheer size and sheer busyness of the place."

Should be either: "Miller was impressed by its sheer size and the sheer busyness of the place."

Or "Miller was impressed by the sheer size and busyness of the place." (less redundancy – my recommendation)


"one of England's most-important centres for coal and iron mining."

No hyphen here.


Chapter 3:

" in the middle-of-nowhere in England?

No hyphens here


Chapter 4:

"Properties such as weight, density, transparency, their visible shape – known as habits,"

Is there some significance to the 'known as habits' comment here? It this a category name for these properties and does it play a significant role later on? If it doesn't, then I suggest omitting it here, it feels a bit random and jarring.


A number of times you say 'expert in', when it should be 'expert on' (used with ponies and calving)


Chapter 5:

"It was an impressive site to behold"

Site does fit, but did you mean sight instead?


Chapter 7:

"like marbles thrown on a wall"

should be 'against a wall'


Chapter 10:

"she said with some Cockney accent"

should be either: "she said with some sort of Cockney accent"

or probably better would be just: "she said with a Cockney accent" (since he's unlikely to be able to distinguish between them, or know that there are variants within Cockney accents)


"Maria entered the room with full energy."

should be: "Maria entered the room full of energy."


"You have no idea about my clothing tastes."

This is awkward. Suggestion:

"You know nothing about my tastes in clothing."


"the pull-chain above the crapper-toilet"

it would be Crapper toilet, but do you really need to specify the type of toilet in an action scene? It's distracting and needlessly slows the pace down.


"it was his contact from the Crystal Palace"

shouldn't be a 'the' before Crystal Palace


"Then she changed languages and spoke English to Maria."

This is awkward. Suggestion:

"Then she switched to English."

Or "Then she tried her English."


Okay, those are the minor typos and grammatical issues I noticed (there were some other even more minor things, but I didn't think they were serious enough to comment on)

General considerations:

Positives:

The plot moves along at a fast pace, the descriptions are suitably atmospheric and romantic, it's a fun read (everything I'd expect a steampunk story to be, despite not having read any steampunk novels), some good tension develops, drawing the reader on, despite the plot being somewhat predictable, at least to me. The characters have their own individual feels to them, despite never really focussing on any of the minor characters enough to slow the story down.
It's well-written with very few typos and grammatical mistakes in it, your main character is likeable, despite faithfully working for an evil organisation, which is a very difficult thing to pull off, so tip of the hat to you for that.


Negatives:

The resolutions to problems seemed a little too neat to me, no residual distrust or political fallout from the attack, no residual problems for your main character from the Prussians for working with the British Empire, the romance being very fast with no major long-term repercussions from being on opposite sides, no residual mistrust in there either, there were no regrets at the end, no major choices that had long-terms costs. Maybe this is typical of the genre, that this sort of lightness and romanticism is expected, so just an observation.

Try to cut down on your use of speech identifier tags where it's already obvious who's talking (especially those that only identify the speaker and do not describe any actions they are taking or specific tones of speech they are using), that will help your story to flow better

The reveal at the end of his 'double' was awkward, resolved with a totally new, totally unhinted at property of your miracle substance, the situation didn't affect any other character and the double's influence throughout the story was negligible, it works just as well with the contact reveal alone, it would be much better to cut that part.

Maybe you felt forced to include something involving time travel, since it was used so little in the story, but I would suggest going the other way, and remove the time-travel aspect of the story altogether, and have Aethunium combined with Gravitium 'just' enable teleportation. I understand that adding the time travel ability makes the threat that Aethunium poses effectively infinite, but it's not really necessary, the teleportation power is the only thing actually used to achieve anything of note in the story, and the teleportation power as you described it when scaled up is more than sufficient to make it a huge military threat.

(Picture it, they'd be able to pop up anywhere in the world virtually instantly without warning and smash a logistics depot, supply line, factory, barracks, airfield or political centre with overwhelming force and then disappear again before an effective response can be mounted or even fire returned. They could teleport to high above the target, drop a massive bombardment and then teleport away to another location (maybe the next target) before the shells even hit, so they'd seem to come from nowhere. Add to that instant return journeys to resupply, they could take out tens or hundreds of major targets and severely cripple an empire in a single day with just a single vessel.)

Time travel stories are really difficult to pull off, since it adds almost limitless power to the one wielding it. Adding that aspect to your plot opens up a whole can of worms that you don't need and don't take advantage of in your plot, so I would strongly suggest removing it. Your story works fine without it.


Overall, a good read, highly starred. If the time-travel aspect was removed, then I wouldn't hesitate to add it to my bookshelf.

I don't normally read steampunk but this was intriguing and I was drawn into the narrative. I liked the historical details and description of the flying motor vehicle in chapter 1. Wasn't sure what "Victorian-style steel skyscrapers" looked like though. I also liked the Birmingham accents and variations in conversational style. The discovery of the green crystals was exciting.
Just a few grammar/spelling points/suggestions - "gasses" should be "gases" in English spelling
"The smoke and alcohol calmed his nerves enough (insert 'for him') to ask his boss...
"Where is this world heading?" (delete "to")
In chapter 2 - "finely dressed gentleman" could be changed to "well dressed" otherwise it sounds a bit strange
"south" and "southern" in lower case
"The stranger shook hands (insert "with him").
"When all looked clear" - change to "When it looked all clear" (?)
Mueller suddenly becomes Miller - this may need a bit of explanation, i.e. that he is going under a fake English name once he lands in England.
chimneys "bellowed smoke" - change to "belched smoke" (?)
"did he misunderstand" - "had he misunderstood"?
"informal dress with high collar" sounds more like a formal dress
p.m. in lower case
chapter 3 - "It was nothing to compare with the University of Cologne" - change to "There was no comparison with..."
"in the middle of nowhere (insert "in") England (?) otherwise it sounds like England is a country in the middle of nowhere
"His thoughts were lost" - "He was lost in thought" (?)
There was one sentence where it looked as if Miller was speaking but it was still Dr Meyers, as there was a new paragraph.
"flagman" - change to "signalman" (?)
"That must have been the meaning of the word" - change to "That must have been what they meant" (?)
"mate" in lower case

Sorry about all these suggestions, but I used to be a sub-editor, so it's a habit of mine (!) Apart from that, I thought it was very well written, and I do want to read more to find out what happens... I found the incident where Mueller' tells his daughter her mother is in Heaven and she asks him to bring home another mommy quite moving.

It was really interesting. I like the story. And the flow of words was even, like a perfect fit. It is easy to understand which makes it that much more enjoyable. And the description lets me paint a picture in my head.

so far of what i read of it i really liked i can see how this genere has gotten popular i liked your charecters i think this book should do well. are you in the forums? it helps trust me

hi, this is well written and very long which sadly meant i lost interest (im a serious tv kid LoL : D ) . a faster pace and i would have been hooked. good luck in future.

i have added it to my watchlist if i haven't commented by tomorrow, remind me

That's a fine little story, I enjoyed reading it. I'm a bit worried about the length, though. You labeled it as universal, does that mean it is actually intended as a book for children? In that case, the length is ok.
I read the first three chapters. Here's what I stumbled upon:

your pitch: I'd remove the last sentence of your long pitch. Don't know how other readers feel about it, but I always like to decide for myself whether or not I'm drawn.

chapter 1:
a little more description of the characters would help. You describe the scenery, the buildings, the engines and their effects, but the characters' looks remain a bit vague.
check the name Kirchhoff - at at least one point you wrote only one h
The baron didn't answer him. - That sentence doesn't make much sense, since the baron does answer him one sentence later.
The question whether he could bring back a new mommy. Ouch. Everyone who has children of his own won't be able to read that question without at least being forced to take a deep breath. Very good.

chapter 2:
Although the structure was at one time a marvellous cast-iron and plate-glass wonder several decades earlier... - I'd either move 'several decades earlier' to the place directly after 'at one time', or leave out one of the two.

No quibbles in chapter 3.

Best of luck with your book, high stars for you.
Angelika

I am enjoying the story. The overall imagery provides a quick mental picture and it flows quickly without too many hangups. I do have reader questions and I put them below.

As a reader I would like more detail - the office was large and elegant - reader question - how is it elegant? The bookshelves all around or the books on the shelves? How large is the window that gives the panoramic view? When I read all around for the bookshelves and then a window was introduced - i have a hard time reconcilling the first introduced images. Everything else so far has evoked a very clear image which sucks a person into the story.

My next reader question is - is Mueller just an antagonistic ol' fellow or does he not care for Kirchhoff specifically? He provokes him several times in a row without consequenses - so is Kirchhoff a weak leader? Do they have a long standing personal friendship that superceeds their work relationship? He says enough - but if this is Hitler's germany - my inclination is something more would happen. Heirarchy would be very important - I would think.

The mixing of crystals is a nice hook. The fire in the petre dish is hillarious but I can see him snickering or at least coughing to cover it up.

Ok, the little girl understands right and left - which unless she's getting that reinforced everyday - she has to be older than what she seems later in chpt one. I originally placed her at 8 - 9 yrs on the pony and 3 yrs at the end of the chapter. Some developmental psy might help.

chpt 2
while walking through the gardens, another man with a straw boater hat and a walking stick approached him - this gives a great image but the sentence itself seems clunky to me.

The contact lowered his voice - why? was he speaking in german? did his accent get heavier?

He contacted the town hall with the hotel's candlestick telephone sentence - seems clunky to me and i had to read it several times. Was the manager standing there the whole time? Would he look at Mueller strangely because he mixed up the town hall and council house?

It's funny Mueller doesn't know the geography but my last reader question for chpt 2 is why? Wouldnt' his contact provide him with maps? The hotel, perhaps?

The writing in Aethunium is clear, straightforward and easy to follow. Since this is a style I prefer, it makes the story a pleasure to read. Only a few rough spots, partly in characterization. For example, in Chapter 4 where Dr. Miller says "“I have nothing better to do tomorrow evening. It would be a pleasure to come. Thank you”, the first sentence sounds almost churlish, not like a gentleman at all. Clearly Dr. Miller in England and Rupert Mueller in Germany are both, if nothing else, gentlemen. The sentence can be just deleted or replaced by something like "I am very pleased I have no prior engagements for tomorrow night..."

A minor problem with the long pitch. You say "The Kaiser believes the crystals can warp time and space, which would render the British Empire absolutely invincible. Mueller’s job is to steal them!" After thinking about it, I realized the Kaiser wanted them stolen to prevent the British Empire from being invincible. You're not supposed to thing about the content of long pitches--they should be crystal clear.

Overall, a very good read.

Matt

Great stuff. Really clean, descriptive writing, I'm a fan of the steampunk movement, and it would be great to see it move more into mainstream literature. I'll certainly be reading on. Thanks for the comments on mine by the way, I will be taking your advice on the paragraph chop.

Christina

A very good story I would read it.

I like the nice controlled tone at the start. But I'm not a fan of using dashes as substitutes for other punctuation. Maybe I'm just old-school about that. I'm not sure why the butler is the only one speaking German at the start. Careful attention to historical details (I assume). Good balance of description as needed with forward-moving dialogue. You handle fantasy elements in a simple, un-apologizing way. Are the discoveries of the ancients historical, or is this leeway granted in fantasy? The taste of the cigar line seems a little forced, same with the insane times. I'd find a different word. I used to read sci-fi but never fantasy. I'm not a good one to judge but just as writing this is nicely done and keeps a colorful, energetic tenor. I'm placing it on my, until now, empty bookshelf. Some of my criticisms here might not be cogent for this genre.

This is a very enjoyable romp! A lovely mixture of all sorts of weird and wonderful elements make for a nice piece of escapism.

The pitch and synopsis are a strong draw, which does help get through the opening couple of chapters. Don't get me wrong, it's not a bad read but there is a bit too much exposition to slow things down. I agree with the other comments on this matter that there is an element of characters telling each other stuff they already know and having us learning by them doing things would be an improvement. If it were me, I'd have a look at whether you can trim the chapters down any more. I agree, again with other comments, that the final section of Chapter 1 should be lost, or moved earlier, to get Rupert to Britain sooner.

Beyond that it was very enjoyable and swept me along. I liked the cliff hangers at the end of chapters and the fact it kept me reading is really all you need to know. The way the Brummies speak put a smile on my face. As a Brit, I liked the conflict of rooting for what was the 'enemy' in this story and it's a great ending that he does the right thing and saves the world (and us from ourselves).

The text has obviously been proofed well but I did notice some minor glitches in the first 2 chapters (it's possibly significant that I didn't spot anything beyond this point as I was engrossed in the story thoroughly by then). What I would suggest needs correcting is:

Chp 1 "A bookshelf opened up like a secret door" It's not 'like' a secret door, it is one!
Chp 1 'Where was this world heading to?" Should be present tense?
Chp 2 "With a straw boater hat with a walking stick", second 'with' should be 'and'
Chp 2 "From what I've gather " is in the text, 'I gather' or 'I've gathered' instead?

A couple of other constructive points to consider:

I think it would be better if you referred to Britain instead of England when talking about the entire country, it really annoys the Scots, Welsh and Northern Irish to be thought of as English (a significant market!)

I speak as engineer here; a vacuum flask would actually increase the evaporation of the Aethunium not prevent it. Vacuum flasks are generally used, I guess, to prevent contamination. Putting the stuff under pressure would be better, or covering it in something inert? A lot of SF fans are up on their technical thinking so be careful with this.

Finally, when the Zeppelin enters the story (loved the transformation by the way). I thought the British army would have some flying cars with guns on? Might it be fun to have a wacky little shoot out between the cars and the Zeppelin, with the Zeppelin's Gattling guns blowing the cars to smithereens?

Anyway, whatever you decide to do with your story, thanks for the great read!

Alastair
(Going Afterlife)

Your story is decent, but I think it needs some serious revision. Here are my full thoughts.
http://dannyjray.blogspot.com/2013/03/in-transit-aethunium-steampunk-story.html

I really liked this from what I've read so far. You kick the story off from the first few lines and drew me in quickly, which is very important. I'm already intrigued to learn more about the characters and this world.

I'm awful sorry. I just can't get into this story. It's not about the writing. You're obviously a good, imaginitive writer, it's just the premise doesn't suit me like MY book would not appeal to a lot of people (a Second World War novel). It's not the kind of book I would be drawn to in a bookshop. Like I would never read a Terry Pratchett or Tolkien yet they are both recognised masters in their field.

I never review books whose subject matter doesn't appeal to me. I don't think it's fair on either of us. I will still, however, stick you on my shelf to help you along because, in the final analysis, we all want to get up there, we're all writers. So this is 'steampunk'? I've never heard of it. What is it exactly? Anyway, I wish you the best of luck.

Here are my summary thoughts on the book before the big review.

First off I will note, as I think others have noted, that the end is extremely happy and that's kinda goofy given the story's straight forward tone.

However, coming to the end of this book, I've realized that the whole thing has been kinda goofy and would work exceptionally well as a parody rather than a straight forward story. Let's just think over the “problems” that might actually be pretty funny if this were meant to be taken as fast and loose rather than seriously. The assassin that is barely explained at the end and seems rather inept at his job (giving our hero a really long time to stop him) could just be portrayed as over all inept, but just really good at looking awesome. Baron's ability to pull massive dreadnaughts out of thin air with little explanation, could easily be a parody of just how often that seems to happen in comic book and cartoon culture. The speed of the main character coming to the realization of time travel being bad, without ever even explaining the rules of time travel in this universe (hence we don't even know if he's right) could be a joke on good guys who change sides without good explanations. The second assassin being an alternate version of our hero, but his actions not really seeming to matter, would be a great illustration of writers over complicating their endings.

Please don't be insulted I would say to the writer. I see that this story was meant to be serious, and it has the structure of a very good sci-fi story, but it's plot, universe and characters seemed to just generally need more time to develop. If you don't want to turn this into a parody, here's my general advice.

1. Figure out WHY this story needs to take place with a steam punk setting. In other words, what happens in this universe that could not happen in ours?

2. Sci-fi is not as friendly as fantasy to the romance genre. After all, emotion can be given mystical power in a fantasy universe, and thus a romance can be key to the entire plot. Sci-fi can't do this. However you still need to figure out why it's important to the main plot of the story that your characters get together. Take captain Kirk in Star Trek. Sure his romances were silly, but they always played some kind of role in the main plot's resolution or aggravation.

3. This story is obviously inspired by several other pop culture productions, which is fine and in fact normal. The writer however needs to figure out something that will appear in his story that doesn't appear in anyone else's. This can be goofy characters, an outlandish premise, technically explaining the steam punk universe or any number of things. There just needs to be something in this story we can remember besides it being a romance espionage story with steam punk.

Just read chapters seven through nine and... THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT! A steam powered quadruped tank with hybrid electric and steam engines carried on a Zeppelin. Pull out the stops, this is a sci-fi universe with time travel, teleportation, crystals that make things fly and its all run with steam! For most of the story it felt like you were just doing a what if scenario, but the science of the new world was too loosely explained for that to hold up.

To me, “what if steam prevailed instead of electricity and gas?” is a great premise for an interesting new world. However if you want to base your story on this alternate universe, you have to either explain how it works, giving us the chance to get lost in the universe, or show us a reason why your story needed to be an else world tale. The ridiculous Zeppelin dreadnaught fighting post colonial Britain was as good a reason as any.

I really feel like you should have spent more time explaining the Baron as a passionate mad scientist. I didn't know he could pull even half of this stuff off. When or where did he get the resources to rival the major governments? I would have loved to see more from him, smashing electric and steam powered technology together. Sure it's ludicrous, but so is the idea of all of human history proceeding exactly the same, just substituting steam and air power for electric and gas power. As it stands, since you didn't focus much on the Baron, the scene in chapter seven, while awesome, comes from pretty far out of left field.

I will also point out that Robert's role in events starts to feel forced after a while. After all, no one had any reason to believe he invented the time machine, so what other reason did they have for releasing an international spy from prison just to run a time machine? Why didn't they just make him tell them how it worked? In fact, the Zeppelin existed in the same time line and universe as everything else so why was it so advanced that it called for desperate measures in the first place? (This is more along the line of you needing to explain the Baron probably.)

Finally, why did the Dreadnaught have a self destruct lever? You really should think of another way to destroy it and the mine, like maybe the time machine has some unstable properties. Course really, maybe the Baron was awesomely cooky enough to have that make sense, but you never really explored him enough for me to realize that.