Dizzy & Whiz's Bold Adventure

Penny, A very sweet read. I love the characters and the word descriptions you use. I wonder if Dizzy should be hanging from his claw tips? or little appendages? I have no idea which word is best but for some reason fingertips seem too human? The rest is awesome... Many stars and backed... Mona (BeeJoy - Facing The Truth)

Thank you soooo much. Reading yours soon my dear:)

Hi Penny
I'll start off with a thank you for your support. Now to your story. What a charming little tale this is. I could see this as a nice picture book for younger readers. Plenty of action to keep the little ones interested. As I say if you had pictures with this it would go down a dream. There was nothing I could see to critique. So well done. I have given you high stars to try and head you in the right direction again.
Brian.

Love the descriptive use of words, especially when the action gets going with the cat. It is visual and would benefit from some colourful drawings to stimulate the activity. Feel sorry for the poor cat being booted out. How about a return adventure with Jemima confronting the hamsters on their territory. Hope to see more. Good. :)

CHIRG

Hi Penny,

A satisfying tale of hamstery high-jinks! Well put together, pleasing pace, endearing characters. I liked a couple of the descriptions - one of the duo coming down the stairs on his furry bottom! All in all, this does what you want - charming & a giggle.

Roo Parkin
Eric Merrick: Class Hysteric

CHIRG review:
I saw this on the CHIRG list of titles and thought I would read it. I'm so glad I did. It's perfectly charming. The language is just right for small children, including the alliteration.

I have put it on my bookshelf and given it lots of stars.

I hope you will look at mine - for slightly older children perhaps - The Accidental Adventurers.

CHIRG
Wonderful well written and very easy to picture all the action!
:)
diane

Hello Penny,
A sweet story, reminded me of my own, long-deceased, gerbil, who managed to escape from her cage on countless occasions...We never knew how as she would always do it in secret. Crying out for illustrations. Highly-starred. Small children will love this.
M.J
The Magpie King - a middle-grade children's book

CHIRG
You write such charming stories Penny. What can I say, but lovely descriptions and gentle humour just sucked me in... (loved the cluttered floor)
Best of luck
Cas
The Wind Maker
Seed Stories

CHIRG Review:

Hi Penny, this perhaps falls outside of my usual kind of reading, but as a fellow Children's writer (and one who's working on an animal story of sorts) I've been wanting to read this for a while. Hamsters can make adorable pets and have an inbuilt unsatiable curiosity to explore anywhere and everywhere around them.

I love how you explain that they sleep all day and play hide-and-seek all night. Wonderful! 'But as they whizzed around in their whirly wheel . . . ' This is very good description for a younger age group. I like how Dizzy's a ditherer, but doesn't want to be left without Whiz. Max seems like a good, responsible carer for his small pets.

You have a nice description of the Hamsters climbing their cage. They're very robust, capable, athletic rodents. I love the idea of them both jumping onto getaway cars on the yellow speed track. It's the sort of thing you might find in a Toy Story movie. I also like how Max's bedroom floor is covered with all his favourite toys.

Be careful with your formatting/uploading as a lot of lines only have one word. If the cardboard box has a lid how can Dizzy fall in? It might be better to say they both fell in and couldn't climb out. It's very fun to have Whizz fling himself off the top stair. Perhaps he could have a race with a Slinky to make it even more fun!

Excellent description/explanation of Jemima sneaking up on Whizz. Minor point: I'm not sure Hamsters would go for cat food. I suspect they'd find the chunks too large. It was pandemonium indeed! ' . . . tiny tail-tackler' is a certifiable tongue-twister. Poor Dizzy, no one likes a soggy animal. I really like how the whole family jump out of bed.

The ending is a bit abrupt, but I think it's sensible that the Hamsters don't talk to each other. Alternatively, there may be other adventures they could go on. Either way, your writing is fluid, very well written and full of fun. It doesn't take itself too seriously, nor does it get bogged down in moral lessons. I thought this was quite excellent.

Ben - Franky Frog's Worldwide Travelogue

Hello Ben,

Thankyou so much for your kind comments.

I really enjoyed writing this miniature adventure and have more in the pot for their next outing. The upload for Authonomy doesn't allow much opportunity to fine tune the copy on the page - it never comes out quite as it looked on the laptop sadly.

Thanks again - will look in on Franky when time allows.

Penny

CHIRG Review:

Hi Penny, this perhaps falls outside of my usual kind of reading, but as a fellow Children's writer (and one who's working on an animal story of sorts) I've been wanting to read this for a while. Hamsters can make adorable pets and have an inbuilt unsatiable curiosity to explore anywhere and everywhere around them.

I love how you explain that they sleep all day and play hide-and-seek all night. Wonderful! 'But as they whizzed around in their whirly wheel . . . ' This is very good description for a younger age group. I like how Dizzy's a ditherer, but doesn't want to be left without Whiz. Max seems like a good, responsible carer for his small pets.

You have a nice description of the Hamsters climbing their cage. They're very robust, capable, athletic rodents. I love the idea of them both jumping onto getaway cars on the yellow speed track. It's the sort of thing you might find in a Toy Story movie. I also like how Max's bedroom floor is covered with all his favourite toys.

Be careful with your formatting/uploading as a lot of lines only have one word. If the cardboard box has a lid how can Dizzy fall in? It might be better to say they both fell in and couldn't climb out. It's very fun to have Whizz fling himself off the top stair. Perhaps he could have a race with a Slinky to make it even more fun!

Excellent description/explanation of Jemima sneaking up on Whizz. Minor point: I'm not sure Hamsters would go for cat food. I suspect they'd find the chunks too large. It was pandemonium indeed! ' . . . tiny tail-tackler' is a certifiable tongue-twister. Poor Dizzy, no one likes a soggy animal. I really like how the whole family jump out of bed.

The ending is a bit abrupt, but I think it's sensible that the Hamsters don't talk to each other. Alternatively, there may be other adventures they could go on. Either way, your writing is fluid, very well written and full of fun. It doesn't take itself too seriously, nor does it get bogged down in moral lessons. I thought this was quite excellent.

Ben - Franky Frog's Worldwide Travelogue

Wow, won't this be great when it's illustrated! As an artist (not a professional one), I could see every line of your story in fabulous pictures. My grandbabies would absolutely love this story and I'm going to read it to them on their next visit. I just wish I had a hard copy of this precious book to show them the pictures that could go along with the story, for instance:

Picture 1: Dizzy comfortably napping in his bed while Whiz ran excitedly around the cage.
Picture 2: The yellow truck for Whiz and Dizzy sliding down on his furry butt.
Picture 3: Flipping over the saucepan and falling in the box.
Picture 4: Whiz in the sock (this would be hilarious for children!)
Picture 5: Jemina stalking Whiz
Picture 6: Dizzy seeing that Jemina is stalking Whiz
Picture 7: the pandemonium in the kitchen
Picture 8: the broom falling
Picture 9: Mom and Dad and Max and Jack and Ebba
Picture 10: Dizzy and Whiz back in their cosy, comfy cage

This is a precious children's book. Please let me know when it's illustrated and published. You have my best wishes for it to be published soon. Six stars for an outstanding children's story!

I love this story! The names are so charming and I can just picture my kids picking this book out at the book store! It's so well written that I can picture all the action.

Hi Penny,

My four-year-old boy liked the story a lot - thanks! He laughed at the sock and the cat's tail. We loved all the alliteration.

Joe

Hi Penny
I have just read Dizzy and Whiz's Bold Adventure. Having never had a Hamster in my life I am not sure about these little fluffy beasties. Jemima the cats I have had plenty of. My wife,Hazel, had a hamster when young and has often told me how it once escaped and was discovered a couple of gardens away making a bid for the Russian steps. At least I think her neighbors were Russian? so I know about their escape routines. This is a lovely tale of two tails and I could see the picture book in my mind. Wouldn't it be nice if these larger than life mice had little Russian hats on as the pottered past the potty.
I also enjoyed your second chapter and the homage to Jim Morrison and The Doors.
A fab little read, and highly starred.
D.J
the Ghost Shirt

HI Penny, I read chapter 1. I loved this although its not my usual genre.... The pitch turned me off when I realised you had uploaded a childrens story but I was hooked backin once I started to read the story.
I think it is great that there are stories like this around, if a child egts a hamster, the guardians can read this story, and the child is unlikely to ever leave their pet exposed to such danger. Well done.

Kindest Regards and Best Wishes
Lenny Banks - Tide and Time: At The Rock

Hi Lenny,

Really pleased you left your comfort zone for a while and looked in on Dizzy & Whiz.

It's good to tell a story with a message without lecturing kids. I think they are more receptive when a dilemma is presented this way and it's much more fun to hear of miniature adventures in a small world that kids can relate to.

Thanks for your kindness

Penny

CHIRG Review,

Hello Penny, my dear Chirging collague.

This is another lovely short story. Your two little hamsters are instantly lovable and I was glad that though you gave them distinct personalities, you didn't make them speak or do anything particularly un-hamsterish. The biggest thing I thought could be improved was the ending, it all happened a bit too easily, though I liked their decision in the end.

here are my little thoughts as always

didn’t want to leave it, but if Whiz was going, he would go too.
-rather early to introduce this before you’ve introduced the characters, I’d wait a bit.


They would go on their bold adventure - tonight!
-to avoid having to say “tonight” in a story set in the past tense, I’d say, they would go on their adventure, while they had the chance. Or something like that.

As soon as Max was asleep, Dizzy and Whiz climbed their cage like
-comma

Whiz hopped straight onto a car and whizzed all the way to the floor
-repetition of whiz is rather clumsy sounding

. Dizzy stumbled over big teddy’s leg and landed in a saucepan.
-not clear why there’d be a saucepan there??

Nocturnal
-will kids know this word?

What lay beyond Max’s bedroom door was dark
-maybe “swamped in darkness” or something to make it a little more dramatic
jinked
Hmmm, what does jink mean?

hope it helps,

best of luck!

Benedict

Thanks Ben,

I thought the end was a bit quick - the first ending I had was even faster (Jemima shot out of the cat flap!).

Very useful advices too.

Thanks again

Penny

HI Penny, I read chapter 1. I loved this although its not my usual genre.... The pitch turned me off when I realised you had uploaded a childrens story but I was hooked backin once I started to read the story.
I think it is great that there are stories like this around, if a child egts a hamster, the guardians can read this story, and the child is unlikely to ever leave their pet exposed to such danger. Well done.

Kindest Regards and Best Wishes
Lenny Banks - Tide and Time: At The Rock

CHIRG Review,

Hello Penny, my dear Chirging collague.

This is another lovely short story. Your two little hamsters are instantly lovable and I was glad that though you gave them distinct personalities, you didn't make them speak or do anything particularly un-hamsterish. The biggest thing I thought could be improved was the ending, it all happened a bit too easily, though I liked their decision in the end.

here are my little thoughts as always

didn’t want to leave it, but if Whiz was going, he would go too.
-rather early to introduce this before you’ve introduced the characters, I’d wait a bit.


They would go on their bold adventure - tonight!
-to avoid having to say “tonight” in a story set in the past tense, I’d say, they would go on their adventure, while they had the chance. Or something like that.

As soon as Max was asleep, Dizzy and Whiz climbed their cage like
-comma

Whiz hopped straight onto a car and whizzed all the way to the floor
-repetition of whiz is rather clumsy sounding

. Dizzy stumbled over big teddy’s leg and landed in a saucepan.
-not clear why there’d be a saucepan there??

Nocturnal
-will kids know this word?

What lay beyond Max’s bedroom door was dark
-maybe “swamped in darkness” or something to make it a little more dramatic
jinked
Hmmm, what does jink mean?

hope it helps,

best of luck!

Benedict

This is a CHIRG review

Dizzy & Whiz’s Bold Adventure

I really like these hamsters and the way you describe their different personalities. You are consistent all the way through with this too.

Here’s a few things I would change, but you have another sweet story here, bound to delight the youngest readers.

“Daredevil” is one word.

“his fearless friends” reads as though you mean Whiz’s fearless friends, even though you mention it’s Max’s house in the same sentence.

“through a gap in the catch..” I might have liked more on how they got out of the cage. It seems like a possibility for some extra story - they could have gnawed their way out, or Max could have forgotten to shut it? The cage would be a bigger obstacle than a bedroom door, I’d have thought since bedrooms aren’t designed to keep hamsters in and cages are. Russian hamsters are the smallest kind and could probably slip under a shut door.

Do hamsters have fingertips? Sort of, I suppose.

“hasty hamsters” is cute.

“like lightening..” should be “like lightning”.

“Max’s brave hamsters were rescued” By whom? Seems like another place where there could be more detail. Did Max catch them? Was Dizzy easy to find, or was he damp and hiding somewhere after his ordeal? Was anyone annoyed with Max for leaving his door open? I’d like a bit more about the family too - at the moment they are just names. Maybe Mum works nights and Dad helps catch them? Or any number of other things.

I liked this a lot, and I’ll be delighted if you keep adding more to the CHIRG list. So many of your other reviewers have mentioned illustrations, which of course the printed version would include. But without, just like any other story, the pictures must be put into the reader’s mind and I think you’ve done a very good job here.

Highly starred.

Lucy

Hi Penny,
this has the feel of the stories my six year old brings home from the school library. Which makes me feel you're definitely on the right track!
Niggles? Some of the words might be a little tricky for my son - e.g. dignity, mischievous, intrepid, monumental.

I love all the use of onomatopoeia and the simplicity and excitement of the story. Just wondered whether you cold push the boundaries a little more to make the story really stand out. It's lovely as is, but I feel for this age you may need to be more unique to get it noticed and published. The hamsters should perhaps be even more cheeky and perhaps bring out their different personalities more through the story. Or perhaps they could play/enjoy/use the toys more, even in their escape. Not sure.

I am not an expert though, just my random thoughts.
Six stars from me,
Sharda.

Chirg

Fan-dab-u-las. I love it. It would be so nice to see illustrations but the writing would be wonderful for any youngsters minds. I had two russian dwarf hamsters when I was a small boy, Like Dizzy and Whiz they were quite escape-y from what I remember. (And bitey too)

Great little story. :)

Chirg

Fan-dab-u-las. I love it. It would be so nice to see illustrations but the writing would be wonderful for any youngsters minds. I had two russian dwarf hamsters when I was a small boy, Like Dizzy and Whiz they were quite escape-y from what I remember. (And bitey too)

Great little story. :)

CHIRG review

Penny, this is a lovely story that I can imagine reading out loud to younger children. I assume your aim is to have illustrations for it as they would really enhance the story.
Children love stories with animals in and this will certainly not fail to entertain. I like the idea of one hamster being brave and the other more timid. Your writing is very 'visual'. I could see those two hamsters making their way in and around Max's toys. There is a gentle humour woven into this, like Whiz eating the cat's food and Dizzy checking out the family's shoes. Liked the description of the 'tiny tail tackler' - alliteration is always effective for the younger age group.
Whiz is the 'naughty' hamster in this tale, and again, children love a character who is mischievous.

A delightful tale that made me smile.

Top stars and wishing you well with it.
Debbie

Penny, Penny, Penny, You got me again! I love these delightful quickies and so will kids and their parents. Hyper action with well placed lessons. Over coming fears to look after one another. The fearful become brave and go out on a limb. In the end, they learn the lesson of moderation and good sense prevails. These would make a wonderful collection for kid's bedroom shelves. You have hit your mark beautifully once again.
More high stars for this mischievous duo!
Best wishes,
Chris/ A SPICY HURRICANE

This is absolutely made for illustrations! A sweet tale, with plenty of mild adventures that'll entertain the little ones. Although the vocabulary might be a stretch for early readers, this is perfect read-aloud material. Best of luck with this!
Tod
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

A well-written, expressive story with plenty of action for the young. I could really picture what was occurring as it happened, so well done.

Penny, I admire you very much for producing stories for the very young reader/child. It is something I have had a tiny 'go' at and found incredibly difficult. Not only do you have to come up with an entertaining story, the language has to be age appropriate, the word count has to be just right and quite often it relies heavily on illustrations. I'd like to know the age group you are aiming at here and the word count. I say this because I feel the language may at times be a little old for what I imagine the intended age group is. Examples include: dignity, mischievous, commotion, monumental.
If this is to be a picture book, you also need to think about the fact that illustrations take up space and it may be that publishers have certain requirements when it comes to the number of pages etc.
I like the use of CRASH and the 'silently watching and waiting' being on separate lines. If you could do more of that,along with word repetitions, word placement on the page and sounds/words children can chant along with the reader, I think it would enhance the story and make it very appealing. If, however, you are aiming this at older children, with no illustrations, then perhaps some of this is not relevant.
Please feel free to ignore my comments if you don't agree with them. After all, I know nothing about this type of writing.
All the best with this, Penny.
Julia

Hi Julia,

Thank you so much for your kind comments regarding Dizzy & Whiz. I am pleased you enjoyed my little hamster adventure.

In answer to your questions:

The story is under the1,000 words suggested for a children's picture book (959 to be precise) and follows the pattern of twelve double pages with relevant copy per possible illustration.

As Authonomy doesn't give me much freedom to present it in a finished book form (as the young reader may view it) I have condensed the paragraphs into easy-to-consume chunks.

The question of layout, I understand, is dictated more by the publisher than the writer but in general the art director would decide whether to wrap the text around the illustrations or use block paragraphs etc as they see fit. (See Andrea Shavick's book 'How to write a children's picture book and get it published).

The age of the reader is up to 6, or thereabouts, and more especially for adults to read with the child. I agree that some of the language used may be above a young child's understanding but I feel it is a healthy and important element of sharing the reading experience if the child is motivated to ask what a word means.

We have such a beautiful language with words that are seldom used but are so expressive. I feel it adds another layer to the story as it triggers curiosity when presented in this way.

I like to trust my instincts but I know I am very much the novice and would welcome further discussion that could help me to improve my writing. Do let me have your thoughts and drop me a line when you get a mo.

Thanks again and all the best

Penny

A well-written, expressive story with plenty of action for the young. I could really picture what was occurring as it happened, so well done.

Penny, I admire you very much for producing stories for the very young reader/child. It is something I have had a tiny 'go' at and found incredibly difficult. Not only do you have to come up with an entertaining story, the language has to be age appropriate, the word count has to be just right and quite often it relies heavily on illustrations. I'd like to know the age group you are aiming at here and the word count. I say this because I feel the language may at times be a little old for what I imagine the intended age group is. Examples include: dignity, mischievous, commotion, monumental.
If this is to be a picture book, you also need to think about the fact that illustrations take up space and it may be that publishers have certain requirements when it comes to the number of pages etc.
I like the use of CRASH and the 'silently watching and waiting' being on separate lines. If you could do more of that,along with word repetitions, word placement on the page and sounds/words children can chant along with the reader, I think it would enhance the story and make it very appealing. If, however, you are aiming this at older children, with no illustrations, then perhaps some of this is not relevant.
Please feel free to ignore my comments if you don't agree with them. After all, I know nothing about this type of writing.
All the best with this, Penny.
Julia

This is great again. Perfect for the age group. My grandson would lap it up. Loved the alliteration, big type and the Silently
Watching and
Waiting.
Also the get away cars.
The only thing I wasn't sure about was the like chimpazees - tiny monkeys maybe? The image was a bit odd for hamsters.
These two books are every bit as good as any of the published ones. Do you know any illustrators?
Six stars obviously.