Surviving Sunset

You, my dear are a master of the paranormal. From the very first word of the prologue up to the last word of chapter one, you had me completely entranced. The imagery is beyond amazing and right from the start I felt connected to both Sarah and Jennifer.

I cannot wait to find out the connection between the two girls and the house. The way you bring them together was brilliant. Normally when a book starts out with MC moving to a new town its like, here we go again... But not with Surviving Sunset. I could totally relate to Jennifer as she's sitting on the beach, savoring every moment of being with her friends, and boyfriend. Who I'm already loving, by the way. Her inner thoughts when he gave her the necklace were priceless.

Your character development is fantastic and Jennifer has that rare quality of endearing herself to the reader immediately. That is not an easy feat. Kudos for that! The relationship between her and Leslie is a good dynamic too. I imagine the younger sister will play a big part in events later on...

I could continue to ramble on accolade after accolade, but I think you get the gist of my critique. I am completely in love with your story already. I wish I could keep reading, but have to get busy. I will be back within the next few days to read more.

I did try to find some things to give constructive feedback on, but as hard as I tried could only come up with one nit-picky possibility, depending on your geography.

...cart her and all her belongings away to some backwards town... If you live in the US, it should be backward. I am always adding that darn 's' to backward and forward and have to remind myself to leave it off. :)

Thank you so much for sharing this with all of us. I have no doubt your work will be published. And when it is, I will be one of the first people in line to buy the book.

Diane

Hi Lynn,

First of all, let me say thank you for sharing your work.
It's such a delight knowing, I may get to read a bestseller ahead of everyone else in the world.

Now, on to my comments.

I only read the prologue and chapter 1, hoping to have some comments posted on your wall today
& trust me, I tried my best to seek for an error of any kind but I found none. :)


But please still see my humble opinions re the parts I already read here below:

Teaser:
Sold! :)
I got a Skeleton-Key-type of vibe.
Very appealing to me.

Prologue:
I love the beginning. Liked the setting you chose.
Maybe because I adore sunsets too. (I use them in fact too often in my scenes. Hehe!)
I also found your writing style smooth and easy to understand and appreciate!

(The underlying suspense here was palpable yet very delicate.
I was bracing myself for a scream but you gave me a whisper, a delicate yet suspenseful whisper.)

Chapter 1:
Very natural dialogues. Totally believable.

I commit to finish your book so I can give my full review soon,
but for now, please accept my congratulations for a job well done!



All the best,
Benjamin Orion
Blanket & The Serpentine Zodiac

Wow. What a plot. I never thought I'd read another ghost book after the necromancer story, The Darkest Powers but here I am after reading your book and I'm still fixated on your words. Congratulations you're a famous writer or you will be very soon. Surviving Sunset is the perfect title for this book and I hope you keep it. Though my book is not the best one out there by far I would like it if you read As We Are and keep in touch.

Partygirl121

Hi Lynn,
FINALLY I've managed to tear myself away from planning lessons for sachool to read your work, sorry it's taken so long! 'Surviving Sunset' has given me a wonderful break - your story is wonderful! The contrast between the sun-soaked setting and the supernaturally chilling house is superb from the word 'go'. I love the fact that you've added accented dialogue to add to the authenticity and give your writing a real sense of time and place. You create clear settings in your uses of description, balancing it just right so as to avoid being 'lop-sided' when it comes to description vs dialogue. I really love a good ghost story, but hate it when the twists and turns get, at best, a mediocre response from the reader i.e. me. Your tale, I was very happy to find, does not fall into this pit, as it were. Your twists are sudden and unexpected, depite the foreboding feeling that precedes them. I'm glad I placed 'Surviving Sunset' on my bookshelf and am happy to say that that is where it will continue to reside, along with a high star rating. Congratulations on such a fantastic job!
Ryan
'The Angel of Prophecy'

Hi Lynn; I have read your prologue and first chapter, believe me if it wasn't so late and Authonomy so slow I would have read more. I loved it. You have that lovely blend of mystery and reality with your story that grounds it nicely whilst giving the reader that something little bit different to expect. The prologue with Sarah moved along nicely, the melody idea working well, then walloped into life with a fantastic final couple of paragraphs. The body behind the door totally unexpected. Chapter one with Jennifer and the vision of the girl worked really well. You conjure up the images of the girl with skill. I would like to add that you are one of the few writers who have a long pitch equal to their story.
WL and high stars
RMA
The Snow Lily

YAPR Review -

Lynn:
I read the prologue and the first two chapters of Surviving Sunset. Your story is wonderful so far! I love spooky stories, and I can also relate to the location of your story geographically. I live in the LA area, but our family has a home in CO. I love your descriptions of the settings.

The prologue is a great hook! I read it a couple of days ago, then got busy at home and couldn't get back to your book until today. But I kept thinking about it, and couldn't wait to read on!

Chapter 1 is really good. I think you did a great job of capturing how someone in Jennifer's shoes would feel about having to move at the very end of high school. I chuckled when reading about Jennifer mentally rolling her eyes when her boyfriend was talking about their hearts being joined together. I can also relate to Jennifer fussing at her sister about wearing her shirt. I have twin boys, and I hear things like that on a daily basis! I only saw a couple of tiny typos in this chapter. When you wrote, "...miming quote marks around the around the word 'adolescence,'" there is an extra "around the." Then the sentence that reads, "I can't wait to to explore Golden," has an extra "to."

Your description of the house was wonderful. I could really picture it in my head. The end of the chapter had a great hook with Jennifer seeing an image of a girl in distress who needs her help. It makes me wonder if it is Sarah from the prologue.

Chapter 2 is also great. I could get a real sense of what Jennifer might be feeling on her first day of school. Christian Matthews is an interesting character. I like the way he introduced Jennifer to the fact that someone was murdered in her house in the forties, and that it is considered haunted.

Based on what I've read so far, and the comments of others, you have a solid, entertaining story here. I plan to come back again to read further. Until then, high stars and best wishes.

Sara Alley
Ghost Town

YARG



Kudos. I see you have tons of fans and are doing quite well on the charts. Honestly, I had difficulty reading this. I guess it's just a style thing. I wanted to go through and strike out all the unnecessary words and descriptions and just get to the story. I almost didn't send this, but decided you might find something of use. If it's all rubbish, then disregard it.

Best,
Bill

Prologue

You have a cracking story set up and I am anxious to read on. Forgive me if I just point out the bits that deterred me.

— wondering if you really need "she thought" after the inner dialogue about the gramophone. The italics did the job nicely for me. I had this uneasy feeling something bad was afoot and was truly anxious to see what was coming and the two tiny words slowed me down enough that I stopped to write this. :)

IMHO, the whole next paragraph ("Tempted to simply sit . . .) is too much info (being told). We know his car is in view, her mother "left it on" it would only make sense Sarah would turn it off. If you lead with "with no more than a foot inside the door . . ." readers will know what's up. Later I wondered if the music was so powerful that it drew her up the stairs, would she truly be tempted to sit.

Bits of this are a bit wordy and, in my opinion unnecessary, giving it an over written feel. An example "was not an option she considered. Instead, she headed . . ." You could lose 'she considered' and 'instead.' Adding she considered made it sound like she went through a laundry list of possible options. If it is not and option, you don't need instead.

Chapter 2

You might re-read this sentence. Gazing into the bonfire . . ." The punctuation is off,
It almost appears to be two sentences. The first about her and her friends, the second just about her. Perhaps - "Gazing into the bonfire, she and her friends crowded around, listened to the lapping of the waves on the sandy beach, and tried not to think of what morning would bring."
or
"Gazing into the bonfire, she listened to the lapping of the waves and tried not to think of what morning would bring."

-back into her reverie." Had a disconnect here. What reverie. She was Just stewing, cursing her father, and dreading going home.

"Still -." Jennifer let her response drop. An ellipse ( . . . ) is commonly used for conversation that drops off and an em dash ( — ) for interrupted speech. You have a hyphen.

I had a bit of a disconnect when she quickly went from fighting back tears, to mentally eye rolling, and then back to I love you.

Do people find heavy drawls near impossible to understand. I imagine "Howdy folks," as slow and drawn out and had a hard time imagining how someone could misunderstand it.

After the prologue. Both the realtor saying the owner hasn't sent the key to the attic and Jennifer asking "the attics locked." seemed heavy handed and a bit to much foreshadowing. May be better if she just tries to go into the attic and discovers it's locked.

shiftily :(

You, my dear are a master of the paranormal. From the very first word of the prologue up to the last word of chapter one, you had me completely entranced. The imagery is beyond amazing and right from the start I felt connected to both Sarah and Jennifer.

I cannot wait to find out the connection between the two girls and the house. The way you bring them together was brilliant. Normally when a book starts out with MC moving to a new town its like, here we go again... But not with Surviving Sunset. I could totally relate to Jennifer as she's sitting on the beach, savoring every moment of being with her friends, and boyfriend. Who I'm already loving, by the way. Her inner thoughts when he gave her the necklace were priceless.

Your character development is fantastic and Jennifer has that rare quality of endearing herself to the reader immediately. That is not an easy feat. Kudos for that! The relationship between her and Leslie is a good dynamic too. I imagine the younger sister will play a big part in events later on...

I could continue to ramble on accolade after accolade, but I think you get the gist of my critique. I am completely in love with your story already. I wish I could keep reading, but have to get busy. I will be back within the next few days to read more.

I did try to find some things to give constructive feedback on, but as hard as I tried could only come up with one nit-picky possibility, depending on your geography.

...cart her and all her belongings away to some backwards town... If you live in the US, it should be backward. I am always adding that darn 's' to backward and forward and have to remind myself to leave it off. :)

Thank you so much for sharing this with all of us. I have no doubt your work will be published. And when it is, I will be one of the first people in line to buy the book.

Diane

Hi Lynn,

Great story! I love the idea of the Mayan twist in a modern world. And of course, I love a good ghost story.

A few comments, but most are just a matter of taste, so take them with a grain (or a cup) of salt.

the first chapter is titled 2012, but that makes this outdated already. perhaps just say "present day"

I noticed a lot of exclamation marks. I see this in a lot of writing. too many will diffuse the power of the ones you really want and need. especially if you are using them just to say have a good day and things like that.

this is where the punctuation is a little off: "Lots of things," Leslie chirped! This should be: "Lots of things!" Leslie chirped. the excitement is in her actual words, not that she chirped them. but again, I wouldn't use the exclamation mark here.

watch for phrases that kids don't usually say like: Was her hair awry? I've never heard a kid say awry.

last point: for my taste, there is a little too much description, even when saying how she says something or looks at someone. the longer the description, the more it slows the action. but there are plenty of people who love detailed descriptions, so that's a matter of taste.

otherwise, I love the story and the concept. great job and I hope you make the top five!

lots of stars and watchlist.

I tried to post my comment on your novel, but it wouldn't let me so I'm sending it as a message. Sorry.
The intrigue in chapter 1 is thick and enticing. It made want to know about the mystery as much as the protagonist Jennifer. When I took my creative writing classes, just as you, my professor taught us on the techniques of finding the stray problems with a story. Filter words were some of the main causes for flawed writing. You can use Word to help eliminate these. The chapter used the words, "She knew," too many times. These can actually be scrapped by using more descriptive verbs or left out all together by actions. knew doesn't have to be said unless really trying to emphasize a stong point, other than that, we know what the protagonist knows without you ever having to tell us/reader. The music playing was beautiful, unlike anything she ever heard. This can be scrapped also, which is what editors would do anyway to limit word count on YA stories like ours. Eliminate that and replace it with the next sentence, An intricate.... it does it far more justice instead of saying beautiful because that sentence lets us know what it is without really saying what it is with adjectives. Bad adjective bad go to your room, the same goes for adverbs, which have to be used sometimes, but sparingly. no pun intended, laughing at myself now. But enjoyed so far, I will add it to my bookshelf for further viewing and help you get your rank up higher, that's good right. I'm new to the website although signed up long ago, but not knew to writing. just like you the story I'm writing is driving me crazy and can't rest until it's on paper or on file. Andrew

Return read and YARG/YARP review:

Oh Lynn,

This is so good, its a crime if it doesn't get published. Great story, sympathetic characters and brilliant supernatural elements. I devoured the whole thing in one sitting. The ending was perfect, there was light and humour, it was just all around terrific! Thanks for sharing your wonderful imagination.

I have no critique, except to say, perhaps rethink giving away the Mayan element in the pitch. I was halfway through the book, thinking to myself, "I don't have the slightest idea what might be causing the problem," and not caring in the slightest! The creepy music, the haunting attic, the dead girl, brrr... so good! The Mayan stuff is so well thought out - I'd recommend hiding it from the reader in the pitch. It's always the monster we can't see that is scarier...

Top stars and on my shelf for as long as it takes :)

Kate J. Squires
Feather Light

Surviving Sunset.

Prologue: 1947

Liked the idea of haunting music as a lure.

'She gave herself to it, following...' - perhaps - and without hesitation followed where it led?

'She wondered what heavenly being could have been sent...' - Too much, and not a little cheesy. If Sarah's enthralled by the music, she'd be thinking of nothing else. You bear this out a few sentences on by saying, '...there was nothing more important...' - consider - her moving like a somnambulist, almost unable to help herself.
You've used a lot of words that end in 'ing'. I would suggest you eliminate them where you can.

Good hook at the end.

Chapter 1 - 2012

I liked the idea of her last night being spent with friends on the beach.

'For weeks she had begged...but she may as well have been pleading on deaf ears...' - a little awkward - consider - but all of her pleas had fallen on deaf ears. That said, it's a bit of a hackneyed phrase so maybe something along the lines of pleading with the gate fence - or something else just so long as it's inanimate and won't respond.

'A couple of hours later, as she lay in bed...' - don't think you need - 'on the last night in her room.' - a reader already knows she and her family are leaving the area the next day, so repeating this isn't too good.

Liked the memories left in Jennifer's bedroom, the nail varnish stain on the carpet was particularly good.

'They didn't even muffle the sound.' - consider - They hadn't muffled the slightest sound.

'...frizzy, dishwater, blond hair...' - very good description.

'Smacking her gum loudly...' - I immediately thought, I hope the poor lady has more than one gum, then clocked you meant chewing gum. As some of your readers won't be familiar with the term, perhaps - chewed her gum loudly?

I really like how you've tied the 1947 porch swing to 2012, a nice touch, which immediately lets a reader know where Jennifer will be living, and knows something she doesn't eg: a little history of the house.

The girl appearing behind Jennifer's eyelids, and the description of it, was both spooky and full of tension - I could imagine her sitting bolt upright when thunder crashed. A skillfully written passage, with a good hook too.

Chapter 2.

'Always a girl with a purpose...slow placed town.' - did you mean - slow-paced town? Otherwise it sounds a little odd.

'Had she not been fed up...' - this sentence is a little clunky.

'Deciding to brush it off..' - consider - deciding to brush the gossip off, and ignore the unfriendly students, which would tie in with what you say a few sentences on, though they'd need to be re-jigged to prevent repetition.

'Maybe...knocking small towns (till) you've given them an honest try.'

You've set the story up well by only partially revealing the mystery of the house, but kept the reason why and how Sarah disappeared, which will grab a young adult audience. Jennifer's resentment at having to leave everything she knows to re-locate comes across well, as does her irritation toward her younger sister, which is perfectly normal. Her experience during her first day at school is pretty grim. Christian Matthews spills the beans about the history of the house to Jennifer, so this is really where the story gets going, I should imagine. That's not to say the pace is slow, you've had the confidence to take your time setting up the pieces on your game-board, which I always appreciate, rather than plunge your reader into the thick of things. Having said that, the work needs editing, some of the sentences thought about and reworded to make them stronger. Where I thought your prose shone, was the passage where Sarah appeared, which I thought excellent.
Hope these comments will be helpful, but bear in mind they're opinions, and other people may see things quite differently. In any event, good luck with your work.
Starred.

Nanty - The Sphalerite of Almandine.

YAPRG review.

Hi Lynn,

Several things caught my eye here:

Firstly, the language you use can sometimes be a little passive e.g.:

The trill of crickets hung in the air as the sky caught fire, casting an orange glow over the little path that led to her brook.

Which could be better written as:

The trill of crickets hung in the air. The sky caught fire, and cast an orange glow over the little path that led to her brook. She placed her book on her lap and curled up on the porch swing. With her eyes closed, she breathed in deep.

The rest of the words are immaterial – “breathed in deep” implies her nerves. And the next line “where are you, Tommy?” tells us what she is nervous about.

Do we need to know about the brook? If not, drop it. Just say the sky cast an orange glow.

Every word that ends in “ing” and “ly” weakens your sentences – end words in “ed”. Fnd a way to write it so that they do. This makes your writing stronger and puts us IN the action, not just reflecting upon past action (even though you are writing in past tense).

Chap 2: Why does Jennifer shudder at the touch of salt water? If it’s because it’s cold, tell us so. Also, salt water isn’t so much a fragrance, as a tang. You have combined smell with touch here and it jars a little. Again, there are too many passive words ending in “ing”.

Instead of:

Shaking her head, she smiled despite herself before falling back into her reverie.

Try something more direct like:

She smiled. Brittany and Trevor – SO going to get together. These were the things she was going to miss . . .

Or something like that. Get rid of the “ing”s.

Now, since Jennifer is a person we are obviously going to want to root for this whole book, make us like her. A lot. We kind of do because we realise she is about to lose everything she loves, but help us like her even more. And make Michael someone we like (even if we will never see him again), the moment you mention his name. Is he nice? Is he caring? Why is he Jennifer’s boyfriend? What does she see in him? Once sentence will do this for us. Then we can forget him, but we can still understand what she is giving up. When he gives her the present it is all the more painful for us.

Also, watch your over-enthusiasm for describing actions:
“Lots of things!” Leslie chirped.

We don’t need the chirped.
“Lot of things!” is enough to tell us HOW she said it:

Jennifer glowered at her sister. “Are you wearing my shirt?” etc

SHOW, DON’T TELL, is the rule. We can tell Jennifer is angry at Leslie’s cheerfulness, and everything else in her life, by her response. You don’t need to explain every little reaction that goes on in Jennifer’s head. Use her ACTIONS to explain the WAY she thinks.

Another example of passive writing:

As the car drove under the arched: “Welcome to Golden: Where the West Lives” sign, she was itching to be free from the confines of the car.

Better written as:

The car drove under an arched sign: “Welcome to Golden: where the West Lives”.
Jennifer fidgeted, desperate to escape the claustrophobic car.

Shorter, more compact, more intensity.

Anyway, hope this helps. I’ve only read this much because I don’t have a lot of time, but I wanted to set you on a more clearer path with regards to your writing. Although your idea and plot sound great, and you have a lot of backing already, if you reach the editor’s desk with these fairly basic errors, they will dismiss you in a heartbeat. Editors just don’t have the time to help you fix your work. It’s a business for them and if you are not ready to GO, they won’t want to invest any time unless you are amazingly brilliant.

So, as good as this story sounds, you need to spend some time addressing the WAY it is written. Grab a book written by a good author and study HOW they construct things. There are some appallingly bad (grammatically speaking) recent publications (Twilight, 50 Shades) but these were ground-breakers and after that, publishers are now a little more choosey in what they are prepared to back.

Well done though, in your overall writing – you’ve nailed the whole “this is where I’m from and now I’m stuck in THIS” scenario for Jennifer. I hope you get to the Ed’s desk but remember that you need to be ready when you get there.

xxxSeven Everson
Ashes of Eden

Well I was a little surprised this was going to be YA with the Mayan mystery, but yeah so YA and so well done. I read so many chapters I lost count, but they are searching library databases now and the dreams/images are becoming clearer and scarier. What a wonderful collection of charcters and a beautiful setting. I particularly enjoyed the history of the story being blended into the modern and dropped in every now and then as a teaser for the reader. Very vey good, maximum stars, watch listed and no doubt awaiting a spot on the shelf during my next shuffle.

All the best

MR
The Virgin Ghost

Hey,

Your novel starts with a bang, that's for sure! You get straight to the point and I appreciate that.

As for my critiques, I think the toughest thing for me was understanding Jennifer. I'm guessing she's 17-ish, but besides that a mystery--both physically and emotionally. For instance, I'm not sure how seriously to take her relationship with her sister and parents, or whether its just teenage angst. The thing that really threw me off, though, was her treatment of Michael. I can't figure out whether she likes the guy or not, though I'm guessing he's important (and her relationship with him is supposed juxtapose that of the guy & girl int he prologue (i think?)).

That said, I'd definitely plan to keep reading...
Hope this helps, and best of luck!

T.J. Evan

Well, it's been a pleasure to read this! I have read up to chapter seven so far which is quite far for someone like me with the attention span of that fish in 'Finding Nemo'.

Anyway, I thought I'd focus on the seventh chapter if that's OK as most of your many reviewers have made loads of comments earlier on to an even greater extent that what I could do. Chapter 7 is also my favourite one so far. So here goes:
Para1: As always you get the balance between show and tell right in this case through the verb action of skipping and rightly do not bother adding that she was happy etc through a redundant adjective like happy. Quite a few adverbs here also but they all work effectively.
Para2: Good focus on Jennifer's feelings with a nice range of adjectives, sometimes fairly synonymous but,again, I think they all work well.
Para 3: Would it be better to hyphenate 'fun loving'?
Dialogue: Now many people will disagree with me here I expect, but do you need to say 'teased' regards Jason? It's made even clearer in the next line that he is teeasing her with Jennifer rolling her eyes in response so personally I would change 'teased' to 'said'.
Next para: I really liked this one. Great for sustaining/adding to our sympathy for Jennifer. I like her a lot btw.
'Mystified'' works brilliantly, partly because it accentuates the lack of understanding from some of the other characters and yet we the reader understand Jennifer a lot better and thefore empathise etc. This is developed well with Amanda's subsequent comment.
I also liked how it moves on to Jennifer's birthday and why she kept it a secret. I didn't know what 'swirlies' are but that's just me being ignorant and it's made clear straight after. Phrases like 'trying to form a reasonable answer' are very good for making us sympathise with Jennifer to a very great extent. I also like how 'sunset' is the last word to the first section of the chapter. You are very good at regularly referring back to the idea of sunset for obvious reasons which really work and emphasise that palpable sense of foreboding.

Section 2 of chapter:lots of great descriptive phrases like the low buzz one regards the chandelier.

Para starting 'Jennifer chuckled' is especially atmospheric and builds tension One of my favourites.

'Blonde' is for women and 'blond' for men I think (I might be wrong) so you might want to double check your spelling in the para starting 'Within the shadows.'
The third chapter section is very effective. I really liked the conversation between Jennifer and Christian regards her dream and the very moving ending about Michael with, I assume, a new girlfriend.

Overall, an excellent read so far. Cheers, Sam

I am very much in love with your story so far. Though I only finished the prologue I wanted you to know that I have started it and I am planning to finish it. Though reading great work like this makes me very self conscious of my own! Anyway, I am eager to continue reading so I will comment along the way!

This is a very well written and suspenseful story that draws the reader in and then refuses to let them go. The writing is polished and the characters are well developed. Up to chapter 7 now and definitely reading more. Fantastic piece of work.

Lynn,
Your book came recommended to me on my, I’m Looking...thread

Having read the prologue and the first four chapters, I must say that I am impressed with your refreshingly natural writing style. I don’t generally read YA, however, I am always intrigued by ghosts, mystery and paranormal romance regardless of the genre. Your YA story telling abilities far surpass much of the others I have read.

I did come across a couple of things that momentarily took me out of your most engaging story.

First, I think the, she thoughts, after her italicized thought line is not necessary. The reader is already aware she is thinking this.

Prologue, this line took me out of reading and caused me to stumble a bit; Tempted to simply sit and succumb to the music, she knew she had only a matter of moments before Tommy pulled up to her house and she didn’t want to waste any of their time together.

As you have used ‘she’ three times in one sentence. Why not try rewriting it something like,
Tempted to simply sit and succumb to the music, but knowing she had only a matter of moments before Tommy pulled up to her house, she didn’t want to waste any of their time together.

This version you don’t have ‘she knew she’ then again, another ‘she’, which breaks the flow of the line and reads a little clumsy.

Chapter one, I began to notice an obvious change in the style of quotation marks used, perhaps stick with one style as they do eventually become a bit of a distraction for the reader.

Chapter two, Jennifer’s personality is beginning to really shine in the chapter; I love the sarcasm she uses in her conversation with Christian in the lunchroom.

Chapter three, ‘I would be awhile before Les got home.’ I think you mean (it) would be awhile

Chapter four, I love the line, ‘However, as her eyes met his, her ice was no match for his warmth.’ Very well written!

Also I really like Christian; I hope he turns out to be her new love interest. Btw, great hook at the end of the chapter.

This is truly an engaging story for anyone who loves a bit of a hunting read. I’m glad I stopped in to take a look at it.

YARG Review

Ch.3
-"I(t) would be a while before Les got home."
-You start referring to the tests as finals rather than midterms.
-"...Jennifer's spirits hit (rock) bottom." I think it sounds better.
"What are you doing home?" was (delete: all) Jennifer's reply.
-Good thing that door was locked!

Ch.4
-I think Christian should also tell her she needs to zigzag her way down the slope.
-I don't think it would be very realistic for her to go on a black diamond run on the first day she is skiing. Maybe a blue?

Ch.5
-Well, just change one letter in Olsen and my name matches the one of the girl that died lol...Creeeeepy!
-Great description of the attic!

Your plot line is very intriguing! I'll be back for more!

Sarah
Sapphire

I was thrilled when you sent me a read request describing your book, it sounded intriguing and original. I'm even more thrilled to have read the first few chapters!
The prologue had me reading on the edge of my seat, although I knew from the pitch Sarah would be a ghost, I was drawn in to the way you described her last moments.
The dialogue between characters is very well written and believable, and every scene is gives me an image of what surrounds the characters.
I'm not surprised at all to read some of the comments others have left about this being a next best-seller.
I look forward to finding your book in stores everywhere soon!

Hi Lynn:
I'm not really a fan of ghost stories. But I feel you've done an excellent job in characterization; scene; and plot. I was really impressed with the opening - how you pulled in the prologue to set the stage.
The book cover made a perfect fit for the story. The writing exhibited your skills as an author. Presentation of dialogue was good. There were some twists and turns - but n a good way. For those that love ghostly stories, this would be a worthy book to read. Therefore, I'm confident you can make it in the writing industry. In this case,
"Surviving Sunset" will be placed on my watchlist.

Hi Lynn, YARG/YAPR review -

I didn't plan to read so much but I've powered through the first 12 chapters this afternoon. Your story has certainly kept me clicking on!

The prologue is good and sets up a nice mood of tension for the rest of the story with Sarah torn between the attic and the sound of Tommy at the door downstairs - good contrast between the beautiful, peaceful setting and the something sinister within the house.

Chapter one lets us hear Jennifer's voice from the outset, she seems happy and settled in California and I do feel kind of sorry for her. I particularly enjoyed the line about the guys roasting anything that would be fun to light on fire - such a ladish thing to do. Like the idea of the couple 'staring into the dying embers of the once brilliant blaze' - like their relationship .. deep.

I chapters 2 and 3 I wasn't Jennifer's biggest fan but I kind of liked that. I really wanted her to make more of an effort to be friendly and social, the part where she pretty much ignores Christian when he first tries to talk to her so she can text on her phone is a prime example of why she might be seen as a 'snob' but I also understand that she's not exactly been encouraged into friendliness by her gossiping school peers! I like that she's got room to grow as a person.

'Maybe but I wouldn't go knocking small towns you've given them an honest try' - missing 'until' here? (Chapter 3)

Throughout the next chapters I really started to warm to the characters, particularly Christian, I laughed out loud when his sister gave him the picture of the unicorn and he said 'it's me right?'
Jenn's also really improving on me, especially after the ski trip - she might have only gone because she didn't want to be alone but I'm glad she had a good time! I also thought it was nice how she presumed that Christian 'had it easy' because he was such an open, happy character and then she discovers that actually he's been through some terrible times but has come out stronger as a result. That was a great touch.

In the beginning of the diner section I think there was a word missing, what did the fifties decor still decorate?

Very saddening to hear about what happened to Sarah's brother in chapter ten - how horrific.

I have to admit that I skipped over the information in Mayan documentary, this is probably just a personal thing as it didn't really hold my interest but I did wonder if it was entirely necessary to the story? Then again there are no doubt readers out there who are into their history and would appreciate its inclusion.

in chapter 12 there are some speech marks missing at the beginning of the 'I read the article first' line - a very small thing but it did confuse me for a second.
And 'Christian had been right (a)bout Jason.'

I've really enjoyed this and will be reading on when I get the chance, high stars and Watchlist!

Isabel

Did they still use gramophones in 1947?

YAPR/YARG continued review:

I'm back for more and have now rolled through 15 chapters. It's getting better and better!
Aside from very few notes below, I haven't found anything that really needs improved on.
I'm liking all the characters, but surprisingly I think Jason might be my favorite one. :) I think he has been developed very well, and seems to have come a long way from the Jason I met early on. On the ski trip, he annoyed me slightly and I thought he might end up being one of those cocky asshole kind of guys... but he really isn't. I'm glad to see how concerned he is about Jennifer. I have to admit, I was surprised by the cousin thing. Didn't see that one coming. It was a little weird, because I really thought they were flirting! :)
Unfortunately - or fortunately, rather - I was right about Michael. Jerk. Though I anticipated something happening, I was surprised that it was with Charlotte.
The development of the mystery surrounding the attic, the ruins, Sarah is well done. I like that, as a reader, I'm learning about the mystery as Jennifer learns about it. I like a good puzzle and this one is well thought out. I can tell that you put a lot of effort into it.
The only thing I'm lacking at this point is the tension between Jennifer and Christian. I want it to be more than what it really is. They are focused on the major problem of the plot - the mystery that is holding this book together - but I'm wanting some more "moments" between them, something to put them into the "I want them to be a couple so bad" category, maybe something that doesn't center around the mystery they are trying to solve. I'm getting there...but I want more friction between them and am feeling disappointed when another encounter between them ends with nothing really happening romantically.
There were a few times that the narrative switched mid-chapter and I don't know how I felt about that. It felt a little jostled...like I had to reprogram myself from hanging out with Jen to Christian. I liked it better in the first few chapters when a whole chapter was devoted to one character.
A few typos:
Chapter 12, paragraph 4, (") is needed here: "I read the article first....
Chapter 13: "Morning, mom." comma needed
Chapter 15: "How's school?" he asked. (?) not (.)

I'm enjoying this read and will be back for more for sure!
Desni Dantone
Black Ring

YARG Review

Prologue

“The wooden banister slid…music’s fervor” If the music is “haunting” and “beautiful,” I wouldn’t really imagine “fervor” as being something that applies to it. I was imagining something more ethereal and lingering, not passionate and intense.

I found it strange that the spell of the music was broken by a second knock on the door when she’d managed to ignore everything before that.

Chapter 1

“My dad just went off…miming quote marks around the around the word ‘adolescence’” Extra “around the.”

“I can’t wait to to explore Golden.” An extra “to”

“’Lots of things’ Leslie chirped!” The exclamation point here seemed odd.
“Wrapped around its base was a veranda” would sound better and more active if it was switched to “A veranda wrapped around its base.” It gets rid of the passive “was.”

Chapter 2
“Always a girl with a purpose…this slow placed [paced?] town”

“Why should she care what they think [thought?]?”
“Had she not been fed up…self-conscious…” Well, she does feel self-conscious in the following sentences. A bit of a contradiction.

“Maybe, but I wouldn’t…towns [until?] you’ve given them an honest try.”

Well, that’s all I have time to read so far, but it’s really well written. Despite the slightly clichéd situation (city girl moving to a small town, haunted house, etc.) there’s a masterful way of telling the story that makes up for it, not to mention the hints that there’s something deeper going on here rather than a simple haunting. The writing flows smoothly, the descriptions are vivid and the characters engaging. Highly starred and backed!

Best of luck with this,
Z. Z. Ali
Awakening

Hi Lynn,

So I read the whole thing, it is amazingly good! I was completely captivated, I had to read on and find out what happened next.
The ending was sad, but it wrapped everything up nicely.
Reading your book was joyful and I really hope it gets published!

Natalie
The Forgotten Fairytale

Hello Lynn,

I have to admit, I'm not a big fan of horror stories, and when this first started out I was getting a bit nervous. However, each chapter progressively eased into a much more familiar genre. While still inherently spooky, it held on tightly to mysticism and excitement of fantasy as well. Your characterization is spot on, and the reactions people had were certainly interesting to track.

Somethings that I think you could look at are the original dialogues between Christian and Jennifer, they seemed stilted and uncertain, which may be a character choice, but overall it sounded a bit too forced. Also, the shift from the prologue to the first chapter: while I know Sarah is important over all, I got so invested in Sarah and wondering what was happening to her that I was startled when we suddenly skipped 50+ years into the future.

It works in the context of the story, as Sarah's importance does eventually become clear, but it was jarring to start with.

I liked it, surprisingly, and wish you all the best. I'm sure you're going to go far with this. :)

Lynn,

I have only read the Prologue and first chapter so far, and I think it's great. It read really easily and for a book about ghosts its believable. If that makes sense? The arguing and irritation towards her sister and the sadness at leaving her boyfriend were felt by me as I read along. I am looking forward to reading more

Natalie
The Forgotten Fairytale

Hi Lynn - I'm new to the site and I have been looking around at the different genres. Seeing that yours was young adult I thought I'd check it out and I was pleasantly surprised. You are a very skilled writer and it certainly shows. I could feel Jennifer's sadness at having to leave Michael and go to a new home. The arguing with Leslie rings so true of siblings. Your characters come alive on the page and I'm looking forward to reading more. Best wishes on your way to the top.
Juliana
Going Home

Yarg review.

Hi Lynn,
I'm up to chapter 9 and I'd continue if I had time. SPOOKY! Really well drawn characters and dialogue.

Loved the prologue, there was just enough of it.

Chapter 2: Move exclamation mark in 'Lesley chirped ( !)' It could go after what Lesley says, instead.

Just a few sentences after saying three days in a car with her sister would be too much, they are suddenly at the house. What happened the journey?

Great ending to chapter 2, a real page turner.

Chapter 3: Finding your home is actually on a haunted house tour would be a major thing. Surely her parents must have been aware of this, as it's common knowledge? Maybe they might just remark at their delight at getting such a bargain because of local superstition or something?

Love her resentment at her sister at the end of this chapter!

Chapter 4 and 5 : perfect descriptions and very real situations I barely remembered to crit! I only noticed 'I'll be Denver...' The word 'in' is missing. and ' She put her hand on the knob.. She turned , only...' I think that should have been. 'She tried to turn IT ' or 'She turned IT...'

This is a great read so far, I can see why it's doing well!
I'll be back soon for more, meanwhile high stars and a W.L.
Cheers,
Josephine Shared Skies.

YARG Review

Hey Lynn,
I think some time ago you asked me to take a look at your story and I finally got around to it! I read the first 3 chapters and really like. You create this immediate sense of mystery that kept me reading.

Prologue
-I like the way you start off in a time years ago. The music hypnotizing music kept me wanting to read more and see what happens.
-Very good beginning!

Ch.1
-"I can't wait (to) explore Golden." (Extra to)
-"Lots of things(!)" Leslie chirped(.)
-Starting to sound like this place may be a little haunted.

Ch.2
-How about she grabbed a slice rather than piece of pizza?
-"Maybe, but I wouldn't go knocking small towns (until) you've given them an honest try."
-I love Jennifer's city girl attitude and her immediate dismissal of superstitions.

I'll try come back and read more sometime :)
Sarah
Sapphire

YAPR and YARG review
Read the first six chapters. I love a good ghost story, even more when shrouded by mystery, and this one promises not to disappoint. It is easy to follow and to relate to your characters. I’m sure Surviving Sunset will be highly appealing to the YA audience. I took some notes as I read. Feel free to ignore anything that doesn’t work for you.

Ch.1:
- Liked the prologue, moving from the expected and mundane (in a good way) to suspense. I’m scared of attics, so I’m a little apprehensive as to what Sarah will find.
- I felt that Tommy almost breaking the spell, but not quite, was a great contribution to the scene.

Ch.2:
- “Lots of things,” Leslie chirped! – Maybe: “Lots of things!” Leslie chirped.
- Leslie’s adventurous spirit and optimistic outlook was getting on her nerves! (I think this sentence would be stronger without the exclamation mark.)
- I loved that she tried to muffle the sound with the earbuds. Lol
- Oooh, no key to the attic! It’s the same house?!?
- ok, that was… freaky. Great cliffhanger!

Ch.3:
- “Maybe, but I wouldn’t go knocking small towns you’ve given…” This sentence sounds off. Is there a word missing?
- Christian seems nice.
- Two ghosts?
- That’s not cool, that everyone knew except her family. (I’m guessing the whole family is in oblivion.)

Ch.4:
- I (it) would be a while before Les got home.
- ... I’ll be (in) Denver until dinner.
- This is so scary. What’s with this music? I'm glad she called Christian.

Ch.5:
- He hit a lady in the head with his pole(,) then slammed into a tree and knocked himself unconscious.
- I’m liking Christian more and more, and it’s nice to see Jennifer out with friends.

Ch.6:
- No! The key! Perfect timing!
- I don't want them to go in there.
- Clues and something to go on… good, good.
- Found nothing to fix in this chapter.

I’m interested in learning what happens next, so I’ll be back for more. Top stars and on my WL.
L-
EBO

YAPR/YARG Review:

This is brilliant! Other than a few very minor notes below, I found nothing that I didn't like about this fantastic read. Three chapters in, and all I have is some notes below, mostly just what I was thinking as I was reading it:

Let's start with... Ewww, attics. I don't think I'll look at an attic the same way again. The prologue was creepy. I felt goose-bumpy just reading it. Awesome start! I was wanting to yell: Don’t head into the light! But something tells me she did.
Not usually a fan of prologues, but this one worked. In this story, from what I gathered from your pitch, this prologue was well done and necessary. You did what you needed to do, which was grip the reader. Consider me gripped. Eww, attics! (I hope there’s not a whole lot of attic scenes in the future, or I won’t be reading this at night time again!)
Okay, enough about the attic...
You did a great job of establishing a sense of humor and personality in our MC, Jennifer, early on. Already in paragraph 2, I chuckled once or twice. Something tells me I’m going to like her.
I kind of have a soft spot for this Michael already, but something tells me that’s not going to last.
Is this a typo perhaps? “Lots of things,” Leslie chirped! Did that (!) get out of place?
End of chapter 1... Screw mom and dad! I’d be moving out! NOW!
Excellent start to this. I’m enraptured. I really can’t find anything I don’t like about it. Except it’s freaking me out right before bed.
Typo spotted in chapter 3, paragraph 6: “Four-thirty. I would be awhile before....” I think you mean “It” there.
One little thing confused me just a bit in chapter 3. In the beginning, you mention midterms, then later, it’s finals. I know things are different in different places of the world, but where I’m from, midterms are tests half way through a semester, and finals are at the end. In my head, it’s giving me an idea of a timeframe here. Either she’s been there a month and a half or so, or 3 or so months. I don’t know how you intended for it to come across, but some clarity might help clear some of that up.
I have read three chapters and am hooked. I’m excited to see what comes of the ski trip. I don’t know much about Christian yet, but I’m intrigued, and I’m afraid that things aren’t looking that great with Michael right now. You have portrayed the teenage angst of a long distance relationship well. The obsession with the phone and “when is he going to call” and checking and rechecking the texts... nice work. Even if Jennifer isn’t the most outgoing or friendly at this point, we get her, and get that she’s going through a hard time, and can relate. I think this will appeal nicely to the YA crowd. And paranormal it certainly is, with whatever is behind that damn attic.
I’m officially hooked...and freaked out.
I only wish I had room on my bookshelf, but I might have to do some reevaluating to make some room for you, because this is super fantastic. I’m going to give you 6 stars, cause it’s that good, and I wish I could bookshelf you right now!
I’ll be back soon... preferably during the day!
Desni Dantone
Black Ring

Surviving Sunset by Lynn Briggs
Based on the first four chapters.

Loving the title and short pitch. Both very much evident in the content.
Excellent hook at the end of chapter one. Intriguing chapter. Indeed hooks provided throughout.
Expressive writing, very descriptive. You have a clear idea of the plot and structure, of this engrossing tale.
Jennifer, seems like a typical teenager and you depict her well.

Consistent narratrive and flow,.

Great scene setting.

Excellent use of weather/sunset etc to set the mood.
The charcters are believable- Overall a very enjoyable read. Nothing jarred.
Some minor editing/grammatical points.

High stars from me
Sheena
The Popish Plot

Finally finished the book. A great read that kept me involved and interested. Congrats Lyn, I wish you every success.
Chris Kirby-Ryan
The Apology

Finally finished the book. AAn enjoyable read and kept me involved and intrigued every step of the way. Congrats Lyn and I wish you all the best.
Chris Kirby-Ryan
The Apology

Finally finished the book. AAn enjoyable read and kept me involved and intrigued every step of the way. Congrats Lyn and I wish you all the best.
Chris Kirby-Ryan
The Apology

What an amazing read!
I sat down to read two chapters and stopped when I got to the end of the entire book!
Thank you so much for sharing your work. I found the plot: exciting, entertaining and interesting. The idea is clearly well-researched. The characters were accessible and I found myself reading faster and faster to make sure Jennifer was going to be okay as well as discovering whether she ended up with Christian!
Full marks and a backing.

Hi Lynn
Thank you for asking me to read your book. I love a ghost story with a time slip element.
I think you write well with confidence and I enjoyed what I read, the first two chapters.
Here are my comments.
The story started for me in your chapter 1 - not your prologue.
For some reason the writing, the characters, the scenes you build are more confident and engaging. I was interested in your main character and wanted to find out more about her. I felt I was in her shoes.

Your prologue however did not feel like that at all.
the writing feels less confident and you don't seem as sure of what you are doing. Sorry probably not being much help here.
Your story might not need the prologue at all, unless of course you are going to intercut the 1940's with present day. If you are I would re-write the prologue. Shorten it by 50% (sounds a lot but I think it will be better). Concentrate on building the atmosphere of the music and Sarah.
I would lose your first paragraph about the sunset, it feels too cosy and works against the more scarey atmosphere you go on to create lower down.
The sunset is still a bit factor in your book so re-write to make the sunset seem more menacing.
One line that struck me was when Tommy's car turned off the highway - a pov slip? Can Sarah see the car do this from where she's sitting? if she can you should make that more clear.
I read a book recently, actually written in the 1940's The Haunting of Hill House by Shirley Jackson.
Get it and read the first paragraph. Stephen King cites it as one of his favorite books that influenced him.
That first para is about the house only as though it were (and of course it is!) a character in the book. Great scene setting.
It's effectively a prologue because the story starts proper in the next para with Dr. John Montague etc.
I think you're spot on with what you're trying to do in the prologue. You just need to focus and streamline it.
I hope this helps.
Best
BP

Hi Lynn,

I'm not a YARG or YALF (it took me a while to work out what that meant) and I confess that Young Adult is something I'd really struggle to write but it feels to me that this is pitched just about right. One of the comments below is that the writing is tidy - I would agree and would reinforce that this is a good complement - it treads the fine line between nice description, relevant dialogue and an even pace - not easy to do!

The prologue works well and really succeeds in drawing you in. Chapter 1 and beyond are necessarily slower but thanks to the prologue you're happy to be taken along.

I don't really have anything constructive to offer I'm afraid. I could well imagine late teen girls being thoroughly absorbed by this.

I wish you the best of luck.

Bruce :)

Read the prologue and the first chapter. Will definitely be back for more. Like the pace and the flow of the story so far. Not so fast that I feel like you are just moving fast because the beginning of a story should be fast, but not slow enough that it feels like you are just setting things up. You got it right.

Hi Lynn,
finally got round to taking a glimpse - sorry it took so long.
The first chapter is brilliant. That little peek of history has a powerful way of urging the reader on to the next chapter.
Your descriptions are great. I had no problem at all visualizing the scenes.
A perfectly edited, smooth, polished piece of writing. Maybe a tad too polished, but that's personal taste. The emotions seemed a bit stiff to me. I can't imagine anyone sitting for three days in a car with a hyperactive little sister and still being comparatively nice and polite.
High stars, and best of luck,
Angelika

YAPR/ YARG Review

Hi Lynn,
TBH, I'm rubbish at critting, typos seem to pass over my head so, all I can do is just give my honest opinion on what I read, so I'm sorry if I don't say anything valuable to you.
I like this - you obviously can write and you do it brilliantly, the story flows really well and Jennifer is a very strong MC, you obviously know her inside and out.
I was intrigued from the outset as your pitch is very good and the link to the Ancient world is something that I haven't seen done like this. The Prologue was gripping and I like the way you start you story in 1947 to give us a glimpse of what is in store for Jennifer and it also provides a stepping stone from the Mayans into the present.
I love the line "The trill of crickets hung in the air as the sky caught fire", very few words but such a vivid image!
There are times in this when you think "oh no, I know where this is going" but you don't as you avoid the cliches and instead give us a fresh perspective, for e.g. at the end of the prologue you expect a scream as Sarah is murdered or something, but it doesn't happen, and this makes you want to read further.
Time holds no meaning during a crisis - too true, what an astute observation.
High stars from me

Nik
Silver Bullet
Blackthorn - A Tale of Fire and Fury

Hi Lynn,
Just a quick heads up. In chapter 1 in the para starting with She rolled her eyes - you have repeated the words 'the around'. Just thought you'd appreciate knowing. Now I'll get on with reading - I'm enjoying it.

Hi Lyn,

Your book 'Surviving Sunset' gets more intriguing the more you read.

The prologue with the anxious Sarah waiting for a first date with Tommy, and being drawn towards some mysterious music being played makes an interesting start.

The word 'Golden' used as the destination of Jennifer's family's relocation is good, as it draws attention to itself, being just one word.

The dialogue between the two sisters, Jennifer and her sister, Leslie, is realistic too.

Well-written and well paced.

High stars,

Carol Jefferies
(The witch of Fleet Street)

Oh wow!

Great job with the hook. I loved the little bit of history we got at the beginning of the book. It gives life, and mystery, to everything that happens to Jen in the new house.

Only thing I can think to comment on is that you had a text in quotation marks. I'm not sure how, or even if there is a proper way to do text in books, but the few that I have seen have been separated from the rest of the paragraph and not in quotations. eh, it just might be something you want to look up.

Mommy Lynn, this story is written at a lovely pace and has some nice turns and twists. Using an historic incident in the first chapter to grab the reader is a common trend, and you use it to great effect here. However, I feel that the first chapter needs to be darker, more sinister ...

Just a thought: Sarah is sitting on the porch swing, and though the house behind her is empty - everyone having gone to a dance in town - she is relaxed and easy in her comfort zone. The only anxiety she feels is about how the evening is going to pan out with her boyfriend Tommy.

As the headlights appear in the distance, she's suddenly shocked by a terrible sensation that someone is standing behind her. She jumps up and spins around, her heart pounding in her chest, but there's no one there. Her body is shaking, as if she'd had an electric shock. Is there someone in the house? Has someone stayed behind and not told her? Worse still, is it an unwelcome intruder.

She takes a deep breath and squeezes her fists together. Calm down! It has to be just her imagination.
But as she's staring at the house, the door opens with a long, slow creak. Her instinct is to turn and run to Tommy, but her stubborn streak, inheritated from her mother, compels her to step forward and face into the problem.

As she reaches the door, Tommy's car rattles over a cattle grid and she tries to turn around - but she can't. Some strange invisible force seems to have wrapped itself around her, pushing her forward into the house.

As she steps through the door she's aware of a faint music coming from somewhere deep inside the house. Her heart is beating so hard now it's pulsing in her ears, and her whole body is shivvering with a mixture of fear and confusion. Surely she should be screaming for help - isn't that what people do in this situation - but for some inexplicable reason the music is telling her not to. The music? Coming in waves as soft and gentle as the brush of a butterfly's wings. But what is making that kind of sound? It seems like a mass choir, what you'd imagine a heavenly choir of angels to sound like, beautiful and serene.

But is she actually hearing it - or is it just something inside her head?

She hears the car crunching to a stop outside the front door and again she wants to go back to Tommy, but the force is now moving her up the stairs, practically carrying her. She feels as if she's floating, and the music is slowly getting louder, one decibel at a time as if someone is slowly turning up the volume on a HiFi system. Who doing it? Everyone has gone to the dance. There is no one in the house. Or is there?

Now she's at the top of the stairs, but the force is pushing her onwards, up towards the attic steps. Her throat is contracting with terror - yet at the same time the music is filling her whole being, wrapping itself around her very soul, diluting her fears to the point where she almost feels comfortanle with the force.

The loud banging on the door almost makes her snap out of the trance and turn around - but the music is too intense now and it sooths her, filling her with a strange anticipation.

More loud knocking and now Tommy is calling her name. But the music is pulsating through her, lifting her spirit to a new and amazing state of wellbeing. She can't resist the pull of the promise of what's waiting for her in the attic. The door is open and theres a strange pulsing glow at the back of the room.

She blinks rapidly and tries to resist, but it's too late now. She's propelled in through the door and it slams loudly behind her ...

YALF/YARG
Chapters Five and Six Autho)
Ok, these rolled along well and I became quite immersed in the story by the end of Chapter Six, after the trip to the attic. I liked the suspense of wondering what was in the envelope - I'd forgotten the agent was sending them the key. I still think the language between the teenagers is a bit formal and stiff - they need to loosen up a bit, but apart from that I thought these were good chapters where the pace picks up.
Julia x

YALF/YARG
Sorry for the lateness of this review. So far I have read the first four Autho chapters. My comments are my gut reaction whilst I was reading, so please feel free to ignore!
Prologue
'was not an option she considered.' Don't think you need 'she considered'
'she heard a familiar voice calling her name from below - don't need 'the deep voice called, concerned' as you've already told us someone is calling her.
This is a spooky start.
Chapter One
'Yeah, but it's not the same in person.' sounds weird when talking about a house. I liked the scene on the beach with her friends.
'barely' used a couple of times in a row.
I can understand why you have the relaxation scene but I wondered if it were necessary - all we need to know is that she was drifting off to sleep and saw the girl. This drags it out a bit too long in my opinion.
Chapter Two
Jennifer doesn't endear herself to the other pupils in this chapter. Again I understand that she is determined to stay aloof, but she comes across as rude and stand offish and this loses a bit of reader sympathy for her. I wonder if this is the feeling you intended?
Sometimes the way she talks does not sound like a teenager - sounds a bit formal.
I like the ending of the chapter - 'traitor'.
Chapter Three
Jennifer acts as if she knows Christian well at this point - which she doesn't. I'm not sure why he bothers with her when she's so unfriendly. I think she needs to be slightly nicer to him to keep him interested.
I like the idea of her slamming her body against the attic door. I'm not sure about the 'master' bit - is she talking about the music here?
Personally, from what I've read so far, I think you could cut some of the extra details out to make what is left pacier and more exciting. The idea is exciting - something scary lurking in the attic and the history of a murder having been committed in the house. The writing needs to be a little bit punchier and more in the head of the mc to really lift it, if you see what I mean. I don't feel I am getting to know Jennifer very well at the moment - there needs to be a bit more feeling expressed in her actions.
Shall return.
All the best
Julia

Yalf & Yarg review.

Okay so I already read chapter one a while ago, so will start with chapter two and read as much as I can! I always sound a bit direct in crits as I write quickly as the thought comes to me, so please don't be offended as I aim to give good honest feedback to truly help improve your writing/story.

Ch 2
The scene with Jennifer and her boyfriend honestly feels a bit cliché, or rushed. I had de ja vu. I think this might be because you have another boy in mind for her further down the track, but I didn’t really get a sensation of her real feelings for him. It’s a bit one dimensional. Sorry!

Is Leslie her little sister? You don’t say but I assume so.

were getting on her nerves!- not sure about the exclamation mark, as I got told to lose them. Let the feeling punctuate the emotion instead.

‘We’re here!’ Leslie exclaimed- you can drop the exclaimed, and just say ‘We’re here!’ Leslie nearly bounced off her seat. The old show don’t tell.

The whole bit where she’s muttering about filth and disease and having to walk around dirty snow…I don’t know if a teenager would be really hung up on those things. She would be more appalled at the lack of clothing shops, star bucks, etc than that I would think. It sounded a bit too adult.

I’m note sure it should be Jennifer who questions the attic being locked. As a teenage girl who has the shits she’s been dragged to some backwater town, I doubt this would interest her. It might be more believable coming from her mother.

I like the mention of the imprint in the bed of the previous owner. Creepy!

Every muscle in her body ached- this line is overused, why not just say ‘ Her muscles ached from the unfamiliar strain…

I think the description of the girl when she closes her eyes, and the emotions she feels are well done.

Ch 3

was her hair awry? Her clothing intact?- a teen wouldn’t talk like this, she’d be more likely to say ‘ had her hair gone frizzy?’ was there something on her face?’ something like that.

What do you mean ‘staring into her next victims eyes?’ this seems strange. Are you implying anyone who talks to her will be victim to her bad mood?

You can drop ‘she said sarcastically. As its obvious she was being sarcastic.

I like chapter three. Chapter one was intriguing. Chapter two I feel I have read before. No offence, but so many teen stories start with an unwilling protagonist being dragged off to a new town they have no desire to go to. But chapter three it’s beginning to pick up it’s own pace and intrigue.

Chapter 4

I would be a while- should be it would be a while

the first several paragraphs feel unnecessary, or filler. It can all be condensed to a couple of paragraphs at the very most.

I thinks it’s too early for her to say Christian’s an enigma and seeing beauty everywhere. She only met him in the previous chapter and had a brief curt conversation. Maybe you can show not tell here, let his words show that he’s that type of guy.

Her dream is your POV, in past tense, which is boring. It will be much more interesting and help the pace if we get her POV, as she’s in the dream.

Nicely built tension and urgency as Jennifer is possessed to open the door. I like her throwing herself at the door, and really going for it!

Time holds no meaning during a crisis. This is the author talking and interrupts the flow, you don’t need it.

I would lose the bit where she says she knew she was close to disaster. It’s spelling out what you are unfolding in the plot. You don’t need it, as the scene was compelling and disturbing enough. Have her bewildered and rattled for sure, but I think it’s too early in the plot for her to understand that disaster lies behind the door.

Okay, so I like the story so far. But think the pace can be tightened up, and any cliché thoughts and scenarios relooked at. As I said earlier, girl leaves boyfriend and is sooky in her new town, not fitting in at school, I’ve read it so many times before, I think you could either shake it up a bit, or not spend too much time on it as I think it slows the story down, and I found myself wanting to hurry up and get to the attic part, so I think you can cut a lot to get to this, or add a lot more spooky weird things in that are all luring her up there before the scene in chapter four.

Be careful of inserting your voice to explain something, and make sure it is her reaction’s showing us her feelings instead.

I will be back for more as soon as I can.

Kata

Twell

Yarg and a YALF review! :-) Hi Lynn! I was excited to see your book up for the Yalf review. I knew I would have to finish it this time! I gave you 6 stars the for good reason. :-)
You have a great start, with just two comments-: In chapter 2 you head into several of your sentences with the same pattern: Holding her pendant, she . . . " Resigned to her fate, she . . ." Sore and troubled, she . . " Closing her eyes, she . . " This pattern is good for breaking up other writing patterns, but you just want to make sure youre not using this one repeatedly as in this paragraph. Use it sparingly and it will be great.
In chapter 4 you wrote "she hadn't notice" Probably meant "noticed"
The only other critique I would give is to watch your focus when you get in to the day to day of the friends' lives. I know some of that is important to build the characters lives and bring them together, but it might be a little long here and there. We really want to figure this out and it is frustrating to readers like me when the plot is almost forgotten. :-)
By the later chapters, your writing takes off! No more fooling around.! You have stuff that has to happen and you make it happen! Incredible final chapters! WOuld be awesome if you could tighten up the first half so we were reading as intensly throughout the whole book.
I loved the crazy action at the end--all the things you have happening at the same time. You pulled it off really well. I loved how you tied everything together, how Mr Michaelson got to save Leslie, and have peace again. I loved how honestly you expressed real feelings and dealt with honest emotions through those last chapters. There was somthing missing with Sarah's visit but it was very sweet. and tied things together very well. Im not sure what Im feeling there- just feels like there is something that could be better a little. sorry, I cant put my finger on it.
Loved the epilogue. and the final word.
Incredible story! cant wait to see it in print. I will get it on my shelf as soon as I can.
Good luck to you!
Jeannette Singleton
Journey to Kalado're

Yarg... matey
okay i have looked at this, i really love the story line, the pitch... flawless charecters.. i'm sorry but i don't have anything to tell you needs fixing.. i love the whole idea around this story... it's as if you know Jenifer on a personal level i really liked it

YALF/YARG/CWoG Review

Chapter 13:
Language a bit formal at the start of this chapter again. Lots of unneeded tags, like Mom asked, mom replied. We know who is speaking.
Also, mom asks doubtingly… “with mock doubt” perhaps.
Gravely voice… this should be gravelly voice
“Who set you up…” – should be PUT you up
“I’m in earnest…” – again too formal for teenager , and missing “ before I need in same line
“Harmless old man . And. He. Is.” – I think this should be punctuated as – “Harmless old man… and… he… is…”
Hesitantly – you use a lot of these LY words. I read a forum recently bagging the use of these as lazy and soft descriptions. I don’t totally agree with dropping all of these, but a few small sentence restructures using that imagination of tongue you obviously have could lift the text and remove a few of these.
“Clearly I enjoyed it, even wanted it to happen…”
A forced formal sentence. As a suggestion… “I enjoyed it… wanted it to happen…“ makes it less formal and more breathless
Eminent should imminent
The language between the two at the end of this chapter hits the spot perfectly (after eminent)

Chapter 14:
Is font change intentional?
“…birthday money so…” – missing comma before SO
Michelson is very well drawn as is his house later.
Chapters 13 & 14 are short. Obviously link chapters where noting really much happens. Story arc has lagged here and the mystery of Chapter 12 has been lost.

Chapter 15:
The dreams are rushed here. I would have loved a creepy chapter beginning with Sarah’s face in Jennifer’s face – or a Mayan sacrifice!
Language is better again between characters.
I think you should describe the picture of the Mayan thing in all its garish detail before the caption – to create atmosphere and mystery.
Burning description is lovely
“Tell you every detail.” – ‘relate every detail’ – is less directed at reader
“Darkening sky to a dark shade of grey” – too many DARKs
I think you’ve missed an opportunity in this chapter to draw the Mayan details with evocative atmosphere. Should be more like it was earlier in the book. Perhaps as this is a recurring dream you could re-use what you wrote earlier and then add to it, giving that same atmosphere and drawing the reader back into the mystery each time. Repitition in the text can be very effective, especially in dreams.
“…briskly fumbles for lamp.” – She is half asleep in dream state, so I think she would FUMBLE for lamp
Better end to chapter, the mystery is back, but has been missing for almost 3 chapters.

Chapter 16:
Better chapter. Flew through it. Michelson again very well drawn. Piano music mystery was great – long time coming though!

Chapter 17:
“eventually she began… the stream.” – too many EVENTUALLY
“I, however, was not bored.” HOWEVER is not required. Too much.
“My brother had become a prisoner of war.” – “…had been taken prisoner. I never heard from him again.” This would be harsher, sadder and more poignant.
Really good chapter in voice, character and story arc. You’ve pulled the book back in line and brought back the mystery and the action.

Chapter 18:
“She asked Jason that he not to call.” – the THAT or the TO is wrong here
I think you could have finished Chapter 17 with the rain revelation – great page turner. You haven’t had one for a while. Start chapter 18 with “Jennifer sat on porch swing…”
Great Mayan descriptions at last in this chapter. 17 & 18 have restored my faith.
Hope this helps, ignore anything or all as you see fit.

:DJ

YALF review – Part Two.

Surviving sunset.


Chapter eight (seven, Birthday) NEXT.

Sudden change of typeface here, but I like it.
You have a tense change near the start - ‘…no doubt Jennifer felt good – definitely better than she HAS in weeks…’
Good change from the happy group to the silent house, taking the reader with it. I didn’t quite understand where you said ‘and the knowledge of where it was hidden…’ when she saw the key. It isn’t hidden now if it’s been put right there by her mother, so I wasn’t sure what you meant. Probably me being dim again but thought I’d ask.

I’ve had to get used to being in the dreams now – but I have to say I still don’t like it as a device and always find them not very involving and a bit overused. However, it’s part of your story and so I shall persevere. What do other people think about this? Be interesting to know.

Bit of a stunner for her at the end of this chapter – a photo of Michael kissing someone else. I guess their relationship was kind of doomed by the move anyway.

From here, I’m just going to read on and comment as a whole, without marking out chapters unless I have something specific about any particular one, so: Next chapter (party, onwards…..)

Don’t understand this sentence in (party chapter) – typo? – ‘What’s the weirdest thing have you’ve experienced living in a haunted mansion….?’

I found the party a bit of a pace lag – it was good to see the development of the friendships, but it didn’t offer much else except the dare where she is meant to go and work for the supposed killer, which should be interesting, and the journals were a revelation, and the warm, friendly presence – Sarah? though I wasn’t sure how they were going to fit in with things. Jason turning up made me wonder whether he’s going to have a bigger role? And the Mayans definitely are, I’m guessing. Ah, yes – the temple is known to her.

Yes, Jason is told the whole story, and the plot thickens as they all discuss the Mayan connection. You’ve picked up the pace again here and it’s all moving along nicely.

I think ‘weather beaten’ is one word (old man Michaelson’s house) this is a busy, involving chapter that works well, pulling lots of threads out to be followed. Bit of romance thrown in too. You’ve got changing fonts around – is that deliberate? Doesn’t affect the read of course. Mr. Michaelson is a good character and brings a new strand into the story. He obviously knows a great deal and it was quite tense watching her trying to get information out of him, and later on, he’s playing that tune! His story was like a story within the book’s and filled in a lot of speculation. The only thing I did think was that it was a very long story. If you imagine the two of them sitting there while he tells it, it would take a good time to tell and hear. I think I would expect Jennifer to interject, or ask a question or two, or for the old man to stop for a minute, or ask if she was ok, or have a break. Maybe even Jennifer noticing things about his face, his expression, the light in the room, to make it more believable that he is talking to her. It read a little too much like a second story or book.

I like the working out of the age thing – out of danger at eighteen, and then the switch of focus to her sister. Tension over whether Mr. Michaelson will get there in time – and be able to stop a second disaster – Go Mr. M!

Ohhh…. What a blizzard of final chapters. Very exciting. Everything comes together and resolves itself in a storm of action. Mr. M goes to dance – I almost shed a tear! And Chaac is destroyed (well, his statue – will he be back?)

I’ve enjoyed the read and made what suggestions I can. Mostly things that are just my opinion, to do with pace and so on, so I hope I’ve been some help.