Chasing Shadows

Stephen,
The impacting start to your tale and the backstory that followed meshed well together leading to the inevitable fact that your protagonist Chloe had quit life to become a ghost. Certainly the subplots regarding her office feud and her boyfriend's infidelities added to her qualities as an interesting character while alive, prior to her transformation into a wandering wraith. Your narrative is simply worded and easy to follow, your dialogue true to character. Thank you so much for the captivating read.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Club Agatha Critique

Wow! I love this opening chapter. The final moments of Chloe's life feels so realistic that I can almost look out at the street outside my window and see this scene happen. Your wording is quick, to the point and not filled with unneeded gibberish that most mystery writers like to use. This shows the cruel world in its finest. No matter how close we are at being saved or how we wish we could change the past or how the events of the world would have unfolded had we known before. The last line is the best. It provides a release into the story. Well done

What an interesting style. You are describing Chloe's death from her viewpoint yet at the same time as an omniscient commentator. I assume this is deliberate to distance the event and make it more clinical while still shocking. Her thoughts are strange, as I suppose thoughts probably are in moments like that. Don't know, fortunately.
It's quite frightening that someone, the driver, is on the scene yet not helping., giving her no comfort. The fox is even more disturbing in the way you describe it, simply as a scavenger looking for a meal. Very clinical again.
A very original approach to a murder mystery! I think it works for this chapter.
I'll happily read more when you are the stage you want comments on the later chapters.

Club Agatha Crit: Chasing Shadows

A classic example of the power of the short chapter. Powerful writing with no fanciful description or wasted words. Thought provoking concepts written in simple matter of fact language. A near perfect opener.

The thin line between life and death is a recurring theme in my own work, so I can appreciate the ideas behind the book.

Although the remit here is to read just the first chapter, I am bounding ahead. I'll star and WL later for a complete read (of a frustratingly incomplete upload).

So back to chapter one. Fine beginning. Enough here to have your readers page-turning like crazy. And then going back to re-read.

It's good!



http://authonomy.com/books/42586/slow-poison/

http://authonomy.com/books/42590/bloodstones/

Club Agatha Critique

Hi! Nice job opening up your book in such a tense scene. By the end of Ch. 2, I found myself wanting to know more, namely, who had motive in what appeared to be an accident? I thought your POV could be stronger, especially in the opening chapter. Instead of telling us that so-and-so is Chloe's soulmate, just let us watch her grieve and we'll figure it out. But you have an interesting beginning, enough to keep a reader coming back! Good luck,

Catherine M
Nickel Ridge

Stephen Hilling - Chasing Shadows.

Club Agatha comment:

Okay, Stephen, I read your first two chapters. Firstly, I don't think your long pitch is doing much for your story - it needs to have a bite and an allure to it. So far it's a bit dull and that's a shame because I like the start to this. It has an eerie feel about it - I think you get us into the mind of a dying woman well - it made me sit up and take notice anyway.

It's a slow start for a crime/thriller but I think you mean it to be and it works. The back story is well placed as it's something that happens, we're told, when one is dying - 'life flashes before our eyes'.

I quickly moved on to your next chapter and this too is well drawn. Dialogue is believable and I'm fast drawn into the intrigue.

I couldn't see any typos etc but I'll read on and if I see any I'll let you know in a message.

I like this, Stephen, and I'm surprised it's not doing better but our likes are a very subjective thing. I'm sure it will do well on the outside.

All the best.
Neil

Great job coming up with a very dramatic opening chapter. You give us lots of details, including visuals and feelings to round out the picture.
Critique-wise, the one thing that struck me as the most needing tweaking was your phrasing. Often you over-explain, either saying things twice over, or TELLING us what you've already SHOWN us. Some examples, including some editing examples:
"There was an eerie silence apart from an incessant whirring noise in one of her ears." Those phrases are somewhat contradictory. Try something like "Other than an incessant whirring noise in one of her ears, she heard nothing at all."
"No other traffic passed along the road. It was deserted." That's saying the same thing twice. Once is enough.
"It seemed unlikely that there would be any witnesses to what had just happened. Only Chloe and the driver knew the truth." That's telling us what we can already figure out from the clues you've given us. You're TELLING us what you already SHOWED us. I'd drop all of those sentences. Show-Don't-Tell is the novelist's mantra.
"It was a dark night. Summer had given way to autumn long ago. The moon cowered behind thick, heavy clouds." You tell us its dark. You tell us its autumn. Then you go telling us how dark it is. Put all the info about the dark sky together in one sentence.
"She feared that life was ebbing away from her: the cold gravel preparing to become her makeshift grave". Is telling us what we can already figure out. In addition, the gravel isn't preparing to do anything at all. I'd drop these sentences too.
I'd suggest looking through the whole manuscript for similar opportunities to sharpen the writing and I think it will strengthen it considerably.
Or, of course, just ignore me. That's okay too! Just my opinion!
There is definitely a good dramatic story in here, it just needs some attention.
Best of luck with this!
And if you have any interest in children's literature, please do visit the Lost Wink.
Thanks!
Tod
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

Hi Stephen, I read chapter 4. I enjoy murder mysteries and this one looks like its off to a great start. You have a good understanding of the characters and wrote about them well. I like the solitude feel about the hotel room that came over when I read the passage. I noted a nit-pik: '...when it stayed late beyond 9 o'clock...' should that be light? Apart from that it was quite smooth. Good luck with this Stephen.

Kindest Regards and Best Wishes
Lenny Banks - Tide and Time: At The Rock

Chasing shadows is literate and seems to have few typos or other proofing problems. The convolution in the time line helps add mystery to the story. I am curious as to where the story goes from here, as I should be. It is the beginning of a good story. High stars. jack

CHASING SHADOWS
Club Agatha Round 2
I read chapter 1 of this in round 1 and liked it a lot. A great description of what it must feel like to be hit by a car that way. Chapter 2 really deepens the story. Bill is caught in a bad situation; he’s right the police will think he killed Chloe; on the other hand if forensics traces his car tread back to his car, not reporting the woman lying in the street will get him into even deeper trouble. Great story. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

I love your explosive opening. Glad its fiction cause it would have been too much. To be hit by a speeding car hurt for sure

Club Agatha Critique

What a powerful opening to a wonderful story! I was really drawn in by your introduction. Although short, your first chapter wastes no words and truly conveys what Chloe feels as she crosses the fuzzy line between life and death. You create the perfect tragic hero in Chloe, someone who had so much promise but was led to her demise by a simple flaw: not looking both ways while crossing the street. The fox was a nice touch, and I liked the subtle connection in the second chapter to it.

I think there was a nitpick or two on grammar that popped out when I was reading, but I can't find it now. The flow was good, and the pacing was even in each chapter. I do think it would be nice to get a little more insight into Bill's character, as he feels more flat than tortured. I also think the flow could be a little better between. Otherwise, a great effort! I look forward to reading more :)

Ryan

Club Agatha Critique

I re-read the first chapter of Chasing Shadows and I'm glad I did. I saw many changes since the first time I read it. It reads smoothly and really lets the reader experience what Chloe was experiencing. Chapter two is really good, too. Bill remembers the accident and convinces himself that he wasn't the first driver to hit the woman. That made me go back and re-read the first chapter. From Choe's perspective, there was only one car. So, now I'm am very curious and want to know more about Bill. Why was he driving around late at night and is he lying to himself about the accident? I'm looking forward to reading more.

Susan/Greenleaf (Provenance; Chameleon)

Club Agatha ch2 Critique-

This chapter is as well paced and full of impact as the first chapter. There is a lot in in for the reader to sit and ponder. We wonder why Bill was out in the first place, was he actually the second person who hit Chloe or is he just hoping he is? His behaviour is suspicious, but he may have gone out for a reason quite innocent, but has ended up getting caught up in something far darker than he intended. I really am enjoying where this is going and look forward to reading more.
G

Hi
Club Agatha Crit Chap 1 + 2

Some powerful descriptions. This story has potential but you will need to make some decisions before it will shine. Great characterisations.
CVhapt 1 You have too many POV changes. The last being POV with the fox where he decides if he will leave her for now, senses the closeness of death and will come back later.
Chapt 2 The POV switch to the wife is intrusive. I would suggest you stick with Bill as it will strengthen the chapter.
I hope this helps.

Olga

Club Agatha Critique.

Love the description of Chloe slowly waiting to die. I really felt helpless reading that part of your story, I wanted to help her but I couldn't do a thing. I was hooked. Great change to chapter 2 telling us about the driver, Bill, and his attempt to sneak back into his bed without waking Stella. You then add the news that he's actually been disappearing from his bed on a regular basis just to give the reader something else to think about. Loved it.
Well done.

Club Agatha Critique part 2

I remember reading the first chapter and loving it. After reading the second chapter I find I am very enthralled in your world. I love how you connected the two chapters and the internal conflict with Bill over what he did. I hope to read more later on and see how you will expand upon this idea.

Club Agatha-Round 2

Read the first two chapters... A good start on a terrific story. I did find that in chapter one there were some misused tenses... a quick edit should right those easily.... It will be interesting to see how Chloe interacts with the guilty Bill. Good luck with it... I'll be checking back to read more....

I like the contrast between Chloe and Kirsty, it makes it feel like a sibling rivalry, but with more of an insidious tone behind Kirsty's angenda.

Hey! Here fore the club agatha critique!
- I like the first paragraph. Your description is good.
- Your description is fantastic. I’m in awe of your writing in the first chapter.

I thought your two chapters were just so brilliant. You make both characters so far really three dimensional, you nearly had me in tears at Chloe's last breath. I like the sharp contrast you made with Bill; very well done.

Overall: really brilliant. Highly starred.

Alex

Hello,
I really became gripped by Chloe's passing in the opening. I almost felt as though she didnt experience death as others do. She became an odd hero when she recognised what was going to happen and she accepted it, because most cannot make sense of it. The story is easy to follow and also a pleasing read.

Adam Cian - Into the Dark.

Agatha critique round two

IN this chapter we get some more information what kind of a person Bill is. We are also introduced to his wife in this short chapter. I would have liked it if he had a stronger reaction to what he'd done, now it's like he's been out for game of cards and lost. It's all a bit factual.

Stephen: I read your 8 chapters. Your book is electrifying. Delphine should never have drunk from the discarded bottle! High stars. jack hudson

Stephen,
The impacting start to your tale and the backstory that followed meshed well together leading to the inevitable fact that your protagonist Chloe had quit life to become a ghost. Certainly the subplots regarding her office feud and her boyfriend's infidelities added to her qualities as an interesting character while alive, prior to her transformation into a wandering wraith. Your narrative is simply worded and easy to follow, your dialogue true to character. Thank you so much for the captivating read.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Club Agatha Review

Wow, what a good opening chapter. This seems very original to me --- starting from the POV of someone dying like that. I'm sure it's been done by somebody, but it's unusual and arresting. The chapter is a very good length, too. Honestly, I was just glancing to see if I'd read this one or not, intending to do it later, but I just didn't stop reading.

The only suggestion I have it to decide whether the fox is a "he" or an "it" -- you could do either. I'm not sure which would be better. But as it is, you do both and mix them up, sometimes even in the same sentence. It would be better to do it one way or the other. Not a big deal!

Very good chapter, EB

Club Agatha Critique -

Just completed your first chapter. I really enjoyed your prose and voice. It's very melodic writing and in a way, quite hypnotic. Clearly, you've spent some time researching before writing. A good writer is also a good reader. I found quite a few of your descriptions to be very nicely worded.

If I were to pick up on anything, it would be readability. In a few paragraphs I had to stop and re-read on occasion, which spoilt the flow a little. However, this is something that can easily be resolved with editing and I recommend that you read your story aloud. That might help you spot things you haven't seen.

One example, to help you a little: "Mundane thoughts of what to watch when she got home and what she clothes should buy from the shops tomorrow were replaced by much weightier questions." - Should possibly read: "...when she got home, and what clothes 'she' should buy... " - Also, "... of what to watch..." - maybe word this to directly mean TV ?

Overall I was very impressed and will WL and star highly.

Best
Chris

your clear and concise narrative style help your very good book along its way.
...and l will back...
read SEASONS...

Club Agatha

You have written the last feeling's and thoughts of a dying woman. And i can imagine all that you have written well, but i think i might panic far more than Chloe, but i'll try not to find out.
You paint a small picture of her life, and already i am wondering why the boyfriend happened to be away the night she was hit by a car, so there is a mystery surrounding this so called hit and run.
i like the way you wrote of Chloe's paralysis- 'a strait jacket of broken bones and torn flesh.'
Good Start, Emma.

CHASING SHADOWS
Club Agatha Critique
This is a good beginning for a mystery. By having Cloe think about her friend who died in high school was a good way to introduce back story. A feature of this is the way you’ve infused a strong ominous tone into the chapter by the fact the car sits beside her waiting for her to die. Lets your reader know this is not an unintended accident. You might add whether Cloe frequently crosses the road at this time of day to help establish the driver might have been lying in wait for her. Either way, a good lead in chapter for a mystery.

Club Agatha Critique

Wow! I love this opening chapter. The final moments of Chloe's life feels so realistic that I can almost look out at the street outside my window and see this scene happen. Your wording is quick, to the point and not filled with unneeded gibberish that most mystery writers like to use. This shows the cruel world in its finest. No matter how close we are at being saved or how we wish we could change the past or how the events of the world would have unfolded had we known before. The last line is the best. It provides a release into the story. Well done

Club Agatha
A good short first chapter, nice and structured but as mentioned below, I cannot empathise with any of the characters.
Hope you can make the cut though
Phil

Stephen, I have read the first 3 chapters.

The opening chapter is very well-written. I like the way you describe Chloe's death from her POV, an interesting concept that works well. The fox that comes and sniffs at her is a nice touch, especially as you suggest it will return later. (Obviously when Chloe has died).
I liked 'The moon cowered behind thick, heavy clouds.'
This chapter is short but what you write is perfect for the opening to your story.
Chap 2 - Bill is our first suspect. Another clearly-written chapter that gets us wondering whether Bill is the driver of the car that knocked Chloe down. You give just enough back story for him to be a viable suspect.
Chap 3 - Another suspect, Kirsty. This chapter doesn't flow quite as smoothly as the first two, partly due to there being more information and three new characters. I do think the second to last paragraph is rather long. Perhaps you could break it up a little to pick up the pace here.

I really like this. It is engaging and promises to be a rather good whodunnit?

High stars and wishing you well.
Debbie
'Speedy McCready'

Club Agatha

As a first chapter, without deconstructing and simply reading, the story line does what it is meant to do and that is to create mystery surrounding the hit and run. It begs the question, who ran her over and was it deliberate or an accident.

My only concern is that I didn't feel empathy for the victim. Maybe it is because of the omniscient commentry which has a tendancy to tell the story from the get-go in a detatched manner, rather than to show her surprise at the incident and fear as it happened.

I would also look at any section where you use "seemed" and see if you could omit.

I liked the use of the fox, but is there a way to write it so it is from your victims POV?

Hi Stephen
I have read the first 3 chapters of Chasing Shadows, and here are my comments.

Your opening chapter is good and sets the scene for the next two where we are presented with two possible suspects, if not three, if we perhaps include Kirsty's husband Tom, for the killing. The idea of Chloe being left like road kill is nicely underlined by the fox at the end sizing her up for a future meal.
Chapter two with Bill and Stella lends the idea of mystery as to why Bill has been going out at nights and leaves lots of food for the imagination.
In Chap three you develop the plot line nicely with the work tensions between Chloe and Kirsty. I did find the paragraph length in Chp 3 long and wondered if you could cut them up somehow.
You to tend to do what I sometimes do and describe something and then justify it, for example, in Chp three 'Tom knew jack but not very well, because they had occasionally exchanged pleasantries.... I would perhaps have kept this shorter T knew J, but not very well. Sometimes leave it to the readers imagination without filling in all the blanks. I struggle with this myself when I write how much to justify things.
A couple of last comments.
Sitting in hotel bed, Should be 'a hotel bed'
Blood dripped onto the floor, I would use ground being outside
No strength to raise her head but in the next para her body is writhing! Perhaps revise.
All in all a smooth few chapters and an easy read where the characters are developed nicely and the scene is set for the mystery of who killed Chloe.
Hope my comments are useful.
David
The Ghost Shirt

Club Agatha Critique -

Firstly, welcome to the group!
I found this a gripping and powerful chapter. Short and concise, you bring us straight into the action of the scene and mix the inner workings of Chloe's mind with a detached third person story telling, which I think works. I don't think you could be completely in her head as she lies dying and the scenes from outside only enforce the sense of loneliness. We have no idea who is responsible - it's a perfect hook. Look forward to reading on and see where your mystery takes us.
G

What an interesting style. You are describing Chloe's death from her viewpoint yet at the same time as an omniscient commentator. I assume this is deliberate to distance the event and make it more clinical while still shocking. Her thoughts are strange, as I suppose thoughts probably are in moments like that. Don't know, fortunately.
It's quite frightening that someone, the driver, is on the scene yet not helping., giving her no comfort. The fox is even more disturbing in the way you describe it, simply as a scavenger looking for a meal. Very clinical again.
A very original approach to a murder mystery! I think it works for this chapter.
I'll happily read more when you are the stage you want comments on the later chapters.

Club Agatha critique

An original and gripping start to a novel. My feelings are that if would be better if you stay close to Chloe's thoughts as she is dying, and ignore the driver of the car altogether. That means, cut the second paragraph altogether, and don't ask the questions about why he hasn't come to help Chloe: the reader is already asking those questions without being prompted. In my opinion there will be more suspense if we don't even know (at this point) where the driver is: whether he's simply driven off, or even if he is calling for an ambulance and Chloe is so close to death that she isn't aware of what is happening. We find out what's really happened in the following chapters. The more mysteries you can pose in the opening chapter, the more likely it is that the reader will want to read on.

Good luck with this. It shows a lot of promise.

best wishes and good writing, John

Agatha critique

A different style of of what I'm used to all together but not negative. Here and there you might want to change the wording. The paragraph beginning with 'This would be a devastating blow......' needs revising, It seems to me the driver is back at the scene, it's not clear he's actually thinking of what happened. This is a reflecting piece in which you're telling the reader what happened to Chloe, but I rather see it in action. So the book becomes more alive.

Club Agatha read, Chasing shadows.
I came to look following the comments from C/G and was not disappointed, for this is a jewel to be savoured.
There are a few telling/showing issues.
We do not need to be told Chloe is in terrible pain for the following descriptions adequately show this. I also found the third person point of view a little dispassionate and clinical.
But this has great potential.

I also wish to congratulate Stephen for his aim to encourage the younger generations to read. Bravo! (Ray Jones, MIB)

Club Agatha Crit: Chasing Shadows

A classic example of the power of the short chapter. Powerful writing with no fanciful description or wasted words. Thought provoking concepts written in simple matter of fact language. A near perfect opener.

The thin line between life and death is a recurring theme in my own work, so I can appreciate the ideas behind the book.

Although the remit here is to read just the first chapter, I am bounding ahead. I'll star and WL later for a complete read (of a frustratingly incomplete upload).

So back to chapter one. Fine beginning. Enough here to have your readers page-turning like crazy. And then going back to re-read.

It's good!



http://authonomy.com/books/42586/slow-poison/

http://authonomy.com/books/42590/bloodstones/

Club Agatha Critique,

I've read the first chapter of Chasing Shadows for the Chapter One competition of Club Agatha. I was pulled into the story with the very first line, and I wondered what kind of person could do such a horrible thing. I can see how difficult it would be to capture Chloe's thoughts and at the same time describe the tragic scene, so most of this is told from an omniscient viewpoint up until the last part where she is thinking about her friend Sally Mae who died six years earlier. I think this works well, because I could see where someone might think about someone close to them who had died as they are approaching death.

Your writing is good and I think you've set up a good mystery. I'm eager to keep reading to find out who killed Chloe, and why she was in that desolate area late at night. I think your pitches are really good, too.

Susan/Greeleaf (Provenance; Chameleon)

Thanks for your helpful comment. I've sought to address the points made by you and others by rewriting the first chapter, hopefully giving it a much stronger beginning.

Club Agatha,

This is an interesting start Stephen and the mystery is posed right from the off. It has an ethereal quality to it and the appearnce of the ghost of Sally May enhances that. On the one hand I was caught up in that mood, but on the other I found it hard to reconcile Chloe's calm, regretful thoughts with her situation, although those that have been close to death do say that a sense of peace descends on them. That may be so, but her thoughts sometimes seem a tad matter-of-fact. Hey, what do I know? I hope I'm not going to be in a position to find out for a long time.

Good luck and best wishes.
Mike
(Milk and More)

Club Agatha,

This is an interesting start Stephen and the mystery is posed right from the off. It has an ethereal quality to it and the appearnce of the ghost of Sally May enhances that. On the one hand I was caught up in that mood, but on the other I found it hard to reconcile Chloe's calm, regretful thoughts with her situation, although those that have been close to death do say that a sense of peace descends on them. That may be so, but her thoughts sometimes seem a tad matter-of-fact. Hey, what do I know? I hope I'm not going to be in a position to find out for a long time.

Good luck and best wishes.
Mike
(Milk and More)

Club Agatha Critique -

Immediately you take us though the thoughts of a dying girl... the regrets and fear of what her death will do to those who love her. I wondered as I read it, if I would have the time for all those thoughts before succumbing to the darkness of shock... interesting plot. Fifth paragraph needs a correction, "Except, that is, is her real time of need." Should read "in" her real time of need.

Good start, looking forward to reading more. Good luck with it, Jacque (Upside Down)

Club Agathe chapter 1 crit: Stephen gets you right into it with a body front and centre - so fresh it's still bleeding. He describes the setting well, and the mystery of why Chloe is in this place and what happened will keep the reading turning pages.

However, it doesn't read like a final draft. The elements are there, as are the points that the author wants to get across, yet this hasn't reached its full potential. Keep going over it Stephen, perfection is a slow process but first chapters are so important. I'm confident you'll get there.

Glenn
(TORQUE)

Hello Stephen,
I have read about half of what you have uploaded and am very impressed. The intro sets a very vivid and sombre scene which lays the foundation for the entire narrative.
That you use the image of shadows is a good hook to point to the oppression over Chloe because it is open enough to allow the reader to use their own imagination and build part of the scenario together in their own way.
The start of the second chapter is also very strong and has a good hook to draw the reader with your good description of the mindset of someone with eating disorders. This brings a balance to the plot between the supernatural and the material
I love the short, intense chapters and that each progressed to a new character or event in the narrative. this makes the story that much more suspenseful and the flow is not interrupted in the main.
It is good that you came back to Chloe and Jack by the fourth chapter because otherwise you ran the risk of losing the reader but as it is the format is well handled and adds a great deal to the mystery that you are building.
Well done, Steve