Adam

ADAM
This is a book with an unusual opening: a tour through the town as if we were a movie camera peeking in windows and listening in on conversations. Liked that a lot. Jake is a good main character; he’s instantly both likable and sympathetic after his run-in with the sheriff. The description of the dusty house and the letter left for him has a wonderful sense of sadness about it. I had the job of getting my grandmother’s house ready to sell after she died so I really identified with what it’s like to visit a house that way. Overall, this is a very good read: I’m starring it and adding it to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Richard,
This is an intriguing read. Good start with the ghostly-type beings floating over the town, watching and I presume waiting for something. There is an undercurrent of tension well described and written between the characters. The encounter between Jake and the Sheriff captures it well, and also builds the mystery. Jake's past haunts him and it's obvious he is an outsider in his hometown.

I was only able to upload the first two chapters - I guess the website is playing up today, but I rate this high and look forward to coming back to read more.
G

Hi Richard, I read chapter 4. I think its only a small chapter, but I got a feel for the book. It read very well and I was certainly hooked by the pitch. I like it when people combine different genre like mystery and thriler, it must have been hard work, but it seems to work very well. I noted one typo -
'The fist expulsion of vomit' should that be 'first' ? and there were sentences that didn't have any punctuation that needed attention, I had the same when I first downloaded. Someone suggested I read it back to myself, where you stumble other readers will stumble, I found it really useful. Good Luck, it looks good.

Kind Regards and Best Wishes
Lenny Banks - Tide and Time: At The Rock
I wonder if you would consider return reading mine when you get a chance. I would appreciate your feedback, Thanks.

And you followed it with a fast-paced ch 7! One thing you maintain throughout the chapters thus far is the undercurrent tension. Even when the pace slows down (like the restaurant scene), it still reads like the surface of violent waters that flow smooth, but underneath lurks danger. Another great chapter! And you've used language rhythm to increase the intensity of the scenes. Suspenseful ending. It's wonderful and now I'm really spooked what'll come next...

Donna
No Kiss Good-bye

What a powerful chapter 6! Wow! It completely captivates with vivid descriptions of the town, the activities, you set a matching light and merry mood, and the pleasantness of the season, and then somehow you usher the reader into a dark alley, and the emotion changes with a racing heart. I meant to tell you that the chapter endings are super, with cliff hangers to make us keep reading.
Donna
No Kiss Good-bye

Hey,
I like what you have so far, one thing that I noticed was how well developed your character's are.
They each develop more throughout each chapter and their subtle habits make you feel as if you really know them: especially Jake.
You are obviously a talented writer as the sentences flow quite well and the scenes you have described our quite vivid. Your paragraphs allow the reader to paint an accurate image in their mind, they are truly poetic.
I found that the scenes reflected the suspense in the novel.

I didn't have time to read it all, but I will be back for more!

High stars! :)

- Bree

Not sure why, but I had the sense of reading something along the lines of a Stephen King novel! The narrative reminds me of his books. Nicely done opener. Looking forward to reading more.

Chs 4 and 5 today: You maintain the suspense and continue the characters' development. Vivid descriptions create vivid scenes. Good dialogue. Good flow. Very interesting plot and there's something mysterious about Jake that makes me as a reader know more about him, evoking sympathy for the heavy unresolved issues he must deal with.
Donna
No Kiss Good-bye

Reading Swap
I have read the first three chapters of this.
The story gets off to a flying start with the drifting over the town following and spying on various characters. It's an unusual way to begin, but I feel it is quite effective. I am left wondering, however, whether these celestial beings, who are the narrators in this opening chapter, are going to be a part of the story, as the next two chapters take a different in approach.
I note a certain amount of repetition of 'this' in the first few paragraphs and again 'light' a little later. These are just small points which can easily be fixed!
I enjoyed the read - the storyline promises to be full of intrigue and interest and I would happily read on, if time allowed.
Well done. I shall star highly and watch how you get on with this.
Julia
Shadow Jumper

Adam.
By Richard Langridge.


Well for a start I do like the way that you take us on a journey through the town of Jasper.
Stopping off here and there to take in what’s going off in the early morning hours.
We stop off at one of the food outlets and drop into a private phone conversation.
I could see the cakes had seen the last of their sell- by- date and the waitress was well aware.
Love the way that we float off down the road and look in at the drunken house owner with many thoughts on his mind. Very good description of the sleeping household as he re-runs the tape.
Your introduction to the sheriff as he chides his deputy for not being more alert on the job, after all, is he the only one awake around here?
He’s a bit edgy, he is trying to cut down on the smoking but he’s having a hard time.
It will get harder though as we learn that a new arrival has appeared on the scene—the Rowley kid no less.
I’ll have to find out who he is later I’m afraid, but I can say one thing for certain—I love the way you write and how the story is evolving with the Year End Festival on the doorstep, so to speak.
Well done, Adam, excellent stuff in my opinion!
Plenty of stars for now…I’ll be back!

Best wishes,

Neville. The Secrets of the Forest – The Time Zone.

You wrote, "He would often find her in her bedroom, cocooned within a shell of coloured paper and glittery costumes she had prepared for the preschoolers, frantically sewing and cutting..." Ch 1 captured the mystical mood, setting the scene, and introduced the characters. It carried a distinct tone, a unique writing voice, as though the author took the reader by the hand and said, come along inside the story.

Your writing is flawless. Vivid descriptions paint a real town and real characters and real inner conflict. I loved this line, "Reluctantly, he laid the photo down beside him on the bed and fell back with one arm over his eyes, wondering whether the ache for her would ever go away." By the time you write this line, we are well alongside the protagonist and feel empathy, as well as his longing.

My suggestions are only that you shorten the xtra long paragraphs, it makes it easier on the reader, and the benefit of giving the piece faster pace (because it reads easier). I thought you paced the story well. In every other respect, it is impeccable and I love reading a work that is perfected. Great job. I'll be making room for this on my shelf in a few days, Richard, and I'll keep reading in the meantime. High stars from me on this.

Donna
No Kiss Good-bye

You have a lot of potential as an aspiring writer. I would however change a few minor things (condense your paragraph and pay close attention to punctuation). Other than those few things your story is quite good. I will finish reading the entire upload as soon as I have more time. I think that you are going to do well in your writing career. I wish you the best of luck.

This is an exciting, interesting, captivating story written by a very talented writer. Although I would make some changes in such minor things as lengths of paragraphs, chapters, sentences, and punctuation, I would not change the writer's approach at all. The introductory chapter is awesome - I felt like an eagle flying around and peeping down on interesting sights. This was an unusual, unique, singular way to begin a story - very creative and very imaginative.

The mystique of the opening chapter is maintained in the plot and throughout all of the uploaded nine chapters. Although the perspective changes to a normal one in succeeding chapters, the plot remains fast paced and intriguing. The characters are very well developed: Jake, Sheriff Garrity, etc. are all authentic, real people as is the dialogue and the imagery.

You certainly have a gift at writing imagery as well as keeping up the suspense of a serial murder story. The only suggestion that I have is an editorial one: your paragraphs, chapters need more brevity and many of your sentences run on considerably and without needed punctuation. Because there is a considerable number of these dry details which need attention, I'd suggest you submit your manuscript to an editorial service, if you have the funds, and abide by their suggestions before submitting your work to a publisher. Let me just give you one example (to give more would take up far too much space):

You write: "The crow's feet growing ever more prominent on her face serve to remind her that she is quickly approaching the time where she will finally be able to hang up her apron for good, as it is the thought of this time that gets her up each morning, for she knows that she will need every penny for her retirement now that her husband, Ernie, has lost his job at the mill, the useless asshole."

I might write this as follows: The crow's feet growing ever more prominent on her face serve to remind her that she is quickly approaching the time where she will finally be able to hang up her apron for good. It is the thought of this time that gets her up each morning. She knows that she will need every penny for her retirement now that her husband, Ernie, has lost his job at the mill. The useless asshole!

Other than the technical editing, you have a very promising book here with a lot of potential to become a best-seller. Outstanding story with a very unique approach! Best wishes for your success. Pat

Hey Richard,
So far I've only read the first chapter but you've already gotten me hooked and wanting answers. Your storyline sounds amazing and I can't wait to read the rest. Definetely adding to my bookshelf to read more later :)

Hi Richard,
A couple of chapters in and this story has a way of gently sinking it's claws into the reader with its numerous hunts at where the story may be going but nothing firm. This generates a real air of mystery that keeps the reader interested.
The approach used in your first chapter is unusual but I have come across it before in a Stephen King novel whose work I know you are familiar with from your profile. It could of course be coincidence but even if the idea has been borrowed (Black House or Under The Dome? I'm not sure) we all get our ideas from somewhere so who cares. However, this does mean that I view this as just a literary method and not part of the plot whereas other readers may feel it has significance. The question is which of us is right? And will the story suffer if a reader miss interprets your opening? Maybe not, but it's a thought, so maybe you could clarify if this is just a narrator, or an integral aspect of your plot. Unless of course you like the ambiguity!
Now that I've waffled a bit I'll shut up and simply say Richard, I like the start of your book. Well starred, worthy of shelving if I had the space, and I shall recommend this to some of my friends on the site.
Best wishes,
James

Just read your first chapter and I like this story as well as your writing. It definitely makes the reader curious as to what's going on. Good story, many stars. Wlisted for more later.

A curious narration, at first I wondered if you were trying some new style of writing but the floating etc I presume are spirits of some sort.

Well structured, I did think you slightly over explain (thinking about the loose cigarettes in the sheriffs pocket) but this is YA which is a genre I'm not too familiar with. Book is pretty good, paced fast enough not to lose the reader and a decent hook at the end of the chapter. I wondered with the deputy afraid of the sherrif it would be a sort of 'American Gothic' scenario.

Quite impressed. Four stars and my best wishes.

Maria

An interesting first chapter it really does leave one wondering what is going to happen next , I shall certainly be reading on. Watchlisted and starred . Would you be interested in reading the first chapter of my novel ' A Buccaneer' , which is set amongst Pirates in the 17th century , with best wishes from Strachan Gordon.