The Severed Cord

Hi Pamela
I'm afraid I have to dis agree with some of your other comments. I for one loved your descriptions of everyone at the beginning, to set the pace. A book is not a race through. It should be taken slowly and enjoyed. I thought it a very nice intro. Of course with the action (as it were) starting in the second chapter, why not put a notice at the top for anyone who doesn't want to know the characters then skip the first chapter and go direct to the second. But then of course they won't know who is who until they read a lot further into the book. A very informative beginning to me. I really knew everyone and almost their way of thinking before the story was revealed. Yes high stars from me and I'm going to make a place for you on my WL, and I'll keep an eye on your progress.
Best wishes.
Brian.

Pamela,
What a captivating read this, mistress and servant sharing a special bond as they embark on trips apart to find themselves, in the end always coming home to the country manor where they both grew up. There are elements of "Driving Miss Daisy" and of "Upstairs, Downstairs" in this work, but it overall stands entirely on its own merit and uniquely so. Ths language is uncomplicated and easy to follow. Thank you so much for the delightful read.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

An interesting and engaging piece of work with both historical and fictional content makes this book a worthwhile read. When sooooo many burgeoning authors cover template driven formats and subject matters ( and we know what they are), it is refreshing to read something with a different theme and a different set of drivers. They say variety is the spice of life and I star this book highly because it does err towards unexpected directions and covers non-mainstream issues.

Clive Radford
Doghouse Blues

Hello, you introduce the characters in a very full and lucid way , which really gives us an idea of the kind of people you are writing about . An intriguing start, which encourages one to read on. Would you be able to look at the first chapter of my novel 'A Buccaneer' which is set amongst Pirates in the 17th century , with best wishes from Strachan Gordon

Superb description throughout giving the work a rich quality. The character studies tell us much. But herein lies the problem. The first chapter especially feels like we are reading your detailed notes, the back story, the things we need to know, but not in this way.

In essence there is nothing wrong in what you write, but you are telling rather than showing, and that leaves us with too much background and not enough book.

I sometimes submit my work to the 'If I were an agent...' forum, where the first 600 words are critiqued, showing us the place where an agent would stop reading. It is a useful pointer to the trap we all fall into - thinking that we need to tell everything otherwise the reader may not 'get' it. But we do. That has to be the fun of reading. Not quite knowing everything at once.

I dipped into chapter two and it almost felt like it was the place to begin the book.

I think that the work feels like an early draft. I can see where you are going, but the work needs a heavy edit - cutting almost all of chapter one, but filtering the information into the book as you go - you know what happens, let it all unfold...

Even in an atmospheric book like this, you need to get the action and the salient points into a concise opening paragraph and chapter. Much to praise here, but much to tweak.

Starred and on my WL.

Cas

http://authonomy.com/books/42586/slow-poison/

Beautiful writing and tone in general, with great contrasts and insights as a result, with each family's difficulties. Critique-wise, I agree with a few others who felt chapter one was heavy on character description and light on action. Although it is done beautifully, it still feels like a lot of back story. If you can get action and dialogue rolling sooner, and introduce the characters only when they become active, I think it would address that issue.
But other than that, you've done such a careful job researching and putting this together, and your general writing skills and style are so good, that this is a great piece of work.
Best of luck with this!
And if you have any interest in children's literature, please do come take a peek at the Lost Wink.
Thanks,
Tod
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

I have just read the first few chapters. What a lovely descriptive piece of work. I felt as if i had been pulled into the grounds and that Samuel was right next to me.

I loved the characters, so real and when Samuel finally meets Daniel its so moving its lovely.

Its a lovely book. Highly starred.

Kate Off the rails

Pamela - Abby 's review points out a few problems and is an excellent critique. Pam, you have the makings of a remarkable novel here. It just needs an EDIT - If you read through chapt 1 notice how many times you use the word ' WAS' and consistent use of adverbs, this distracts and spoils prose. Great tale. Best of luck. AJB

I have read your opening chapter and you certainly include some excellent description which is very vivid. I do feel that I would include more action or perhaps dialogue between the characters to suggest their relationships rather than just description. It does become like a lot to take in which is a shame because their is some beautiful descriptions.

Hi Pamela,

You have a beautiful style of prose that seems to flow very naturally. I can also tell that you have researched thoroughly for this book, as it is very convincing of the time and place. Your characters are well thought out and there are nice contrasts between them, which sets up an interesting dynamic from the start. However, I did think that the beginning of chapter one was slightly over-run with chracters and their varying backgrounds, and that this information would have been taken on board a little easier if the pace had been slowed down. I feel that introducing 2/3 main characters in the first few pages is sometimes enough and helps the reader establish a better sense of the main characters, but that is just my opinion. Overall, a very strong novel, which I hope will do well on this site. I have backed you and starred you highly. Olivia

Pamela:
Just finished your book. What a surprise ending...but then again not with Helena. What a fine lady she is! There is a lot of history in this book and it is very good writing. Her mother was a real problem for her but then we get to the core of it all. I spent a lot of time last evening reading it. It gives quite a bit of insight into Africa and the reader gets to look at it in many different ways. A character in Sinja, one of my books, has a wise old black man who, as I have mentioned before reminds me of Samuel. You will find a excerpt in the comments on Sinja. He is not as educated as Samuel but a very wise old cookie. I enjoyed your work very much and look forward to shelving it.
With kindest regards and wishing you well,
Shirley Grace

Dear Pamela,

I just finished chapter two and three, and I am getting a real sense of where this amazing story is going. I am loving the depth of characterization in Daniel and Samuel. It was so beautiful when they compared life stories and realized the amazing parallels among the differences. The bond between brothers is so strong, and you convey this very well. Tears welled up in my eyes (as did in theirs) when they first met. Your descriptions of Africa continue to amaze me. In particular, your use of imagery surrounding the color of red really gives this work a feel of fine literature. A beautiful piece.

All the very best,
Faith Rose
Now To Him

Pamela:
I have read through chapter six. I gave you high stars for this.It is a good story and the kind of read I like. Samuel reminds me of a character in SINJA, one of my books. It is well written and the characters are strong. If I had any suggestions it would be to look at the hint of Samuels age. It is stated his age isn't clear but then further on in the story Samual states Daniel would be close to eighty. How could that be if Samuel is around seventy and Daniel is the younger brother? Perhaps I read that wrong?. In the beginning you give a great deal of description to the setting, which is good but I got the felling that you were jumping ahead to soon with the trips. I just felt I wanted to know Samuel a little better. I could almost feel that this is taking place a long time ago and not in modern times. This could be just meas I am not so familiar with area. I did enjoy and it will remain on my w/L until I can read it all
Sincerely
ShirleyGrace
The Devil's Stepchild
Sinja
Turnips andTulips

Hi Pamela,

A charming story, told with a real insight into life’s situations. Clarice instantly fitted a character I know! Your descriptions of both Cornwall and Africa brought back many memories, beautifully done.

The concept of several generations of an African family continuing to serve in this way is exactly as it would happen in Africa – I’m not sure that it is so compatible with present day England? So many more opportunities here. Also, a very small point, 270 acres and 70 cottages seems a little heavy on the cottages or maybe a little light on the land. I’m just going on the places I know, where the Lord of the Manor owns most of the village but has several thousand acres as well.

My overall feeling is that you have such a good story here, it is a pity to rush it. If I were going to Africa to find someone who had been lost to the family for 60 years or so, I would allow myself more than a week and not expect a result in three days. Your opening description of Farrowdale shows that you have a gift for giving a real depth to your work. Hope this helps in some way, and wish you every success, starred :o)

Judy
Land of Shadows

Hi Pamela,

I just came across your lovely book on TDonna's shelf. Wow...what a beautifully written story! I love your detailed descriptions in the opening. For example, the "avenue of lime trees" and the "vista from the front of the house falls gently away" painted little pictures and transported me right into your setting. Beautifully done. Even though I have only started your story, I immediately felt the passion and heart in this piece. Giving you high stars today and looking forward to watching this book rise quickly in the ranks.

All the very best,
Faith Rose
Now To Him

Well writen, will add to my WL as soon as space. Have rated in mean time, Sue. 'It's a Dog's Life'

Hi Pamela, I read chapter 5. This is a charming story loaded with all kinds of experiences that generate all kinds of emotion. I felt like I was on the jounrney with Helena, helping Clarice and then going with Veronica. The flow was great and the characters believeable, there could have been a little more description but that may be in other chapters I didn't get a chance to read. My only critiisism is that I felt the story 'rushed' a little with the trip away, I am sure you could have 'fleshed it out' with more conversation and decision making. You may be recounting actual events, but for me a reader, if someone turned up at my house one day and said let's got to South Africa tomorrow I would tell them to 'get lost', I would need a little bit of notice and time to plan. Even something like '...three weeks later...' would give it ore credibility. This is your story, I hope you are not offended, I was really absorbed and interested by the writing and believe it is a great story.

Kindest Regards and Best Wishes
Lenny Banks - Tde and Time: At The Rock.

Hi Pamela. I read a few chapters in order and then skipped to read a couple of others. The first chapter I think has too much description in it. We won't be able to remember all the characters later when they come up. One thing that struck me is the time the story is set in. They have the Internet (you have to captalize the "I") yet they have a whole "plantation" of black people. No one wanted to go to school and not work for the white people? The entire family have been servants for generations. That is not good.

In one part you say that the brother would be about sixty-five, and few paragraphs down he would be about seventy. That's sad that they sent their son away and didn't keep in touch with him. I think that you write well and you give very good descriptions. But I think that you could use more dialogue to get your point across, and sometimes you do. Like in the first chapter you told about the brother and why he was sent away, then in Chapter two he explains in dialogue the same thing. I think the dialogue works better. Wasn't sure where this was set at first. England?

It seems that it would be a very good story.

Abby

Hello, Pamela. This is a delightful book. I think your descriptions of Farrowdale House are very well-written; I could see it clearly in my mind. You have a lovely way with words and your narrative voice is so smooth and clear.

You have some cracking one-liners here, very cleverly thought up. For example: 'Her thoughts flitted about her disturbingly, like demented bats. You have a knack of wriitng just enough; that takes control as a writer, something I have trouble with!

Surprisingly (for this site!) I didn't notice any errors/typos, and I'm a stickler for those, so I commend you for that; it's very polished. Such an intriguing and engrossing read. I'll read more and if I spot anything that I think I could help with, I'll comment again.

For now, highly starred, but you'll be on my shelf at the next shuffle. All the best with this. Well done.

Pamela,

I've read the first three chapters (and I now know what a ha-ha is). Here's my tuppenceworth. It's a delightful read. Characters with depth. Plenty of questions that need to be answered and situations that need to be resolved - the backbone of any decent novel. I do agree with some of the earlier comments, however. Chapter 1 has too much description/detail/background - albeit beautifully done - and not enough story. The balance isn't quite right. Perhaps the first section of Chapter 2, where Helena notices that Samuel is distracted, could be transplanted to the very beginning of the book? That way, with the first mystery introduced, the reader is intrigued from the off. We're talking tweaking here. All in all, an excellent work.

Aba.

Hi Pam, Thanks to your picturesque book cover and your description, Farrowdale House is easily visualized and quite impressive! I do agree with another comment that it might be a little too much character detail in the beginning. Maybe some of it can be woven later in the storyline.

You surprised me with a trip to Africa and the investigation to find Daniel. The warmth of the reunion was felt through your words.

It's nice to think of Daniel & Samuel in their homeland. So many slaves were uprooted from their homeland.
"Both were at peace, one with the other, copper faced, in the light of the sun.". .. I like that line. ..
sad to think they "may not meet again."

Interesting about the houses disappearing into holes .. falling into mine shafts. I feel as if I've explored a little bit of England! Interesting details .. especially since I've done a bit of genealogy research in Cornwall. (among the research, a death in one the mines!)

Sad to read of Miranda's rape. Your details of African are interesting. You sound like you have traveled there. I've always wanted to go on a Safari. I've enjoyed your story! Lots of Stars!

Jane Lawry
The Genealogists: On Holy Ground

Oh, Pamela, your writing is enchanting, filled with warmth and tenderness. I love how you're developing their friendship. Your descriptions never cease to amaze me. It was as though I walked alongside them, and listened to them read the grave stones out loud, and followed the same towpath to the sound of rushing waters. You're an amazing, stunning writer, and I love, love, love it! I'll be back in another couple of days to read on :))
Donna
No Kiss Goodbye

Hi Pamela
Here are my comments based on reading the first 2 chapters and taking a sneak peek into chapter 3 to find out the identity of the man in the garden (nice hook)
Your first chapter is very detailed and gives wonderful descriptions of your characters and Farrowdale House. You have a very matter of fact style that reads very much like a classic prologue in this first chapter. One thing that jarred me a little was using 'It was,' when describing things maybe try to think of other ways of saying this to try and break up these types of phrases. You paint a very good picture of the relationships between the characters.
In chapter two the concerns of Samuel for his brother and the search begins with the help of Helena. Your dialogue is a good reflection of this servant mistress relationship. The finding of the brother was a little too easy in my opinion but I suppose if luck is on ones side it could happen this way.
One thing I really felt you must do is place this story in a time frame. Until I hit the part about booking tickets on the Internet I was not sure which era it was set in. The book has a turn of the century 1930's feel with the elegance and splendor of the house, but in a modern world. Perhaps at the very beginning make a reference to the date or events taking place at this time. For me it would have helped to ground the story.
Well I hope my comments are useful.
Starred and will remain on my watch list.
David
The Ghost Shirt

SEVERED CORD
This is an interesting story. I know some people will say you over described the mansion where Helena and Samuel live, but I enjoyed the trip through the house and grounds. I was surprised, tho, after such an extensive description of the homestead, the actual story didn’t begin there. It followed Samuel to distant places instead. Makes me wonder if you don’t want to introduce Helena a little more before you move into Samuel’s story. Either way, the details you’ve put into this read are admirable. I’m starring this and adding it to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Too much description in chapter one gives one a feeling of reading a guide book. Some dialogue would break this down and get us feeling for the place and characters. This is a not a criticism simply a comment which might intensify and focus the first chapter.
In my mind there is a need to place yourself in the location and get us feeling it with you. Imagine your reader is standing next to you in that place using all their senses. Guide them and introduce your characters so we really get a sense of their prescence...

anyway hope this helps


richardx

I read chapter 1-3 of The Severed Cord. The author amazed me with her attention to detail, starting with the Farrowdale House and family. As I read I felt as if I knew the family and the house that situated in the middle of No Man's Land. I mean Lancaster. I was fascinated with the author interest in afro-caribbean family. I am afro-caribbean myself and my grandparents came to England in search of work as well, not as butler but I'm sure they would have loved the Farrowdale house. I must admit I thought the author was going to tell a creepy tale as I started reading with the location of the house but it was more the people that lived and worked there, Samuel is one of them. His and Daniel's life glued me to the computer screen. The ups and downs and new religion after time in gangs that committed burglars and Stabbing. I was encouraged to comment on the stabbing because of the lack of details. That's not like the author. She didn't say who got stabbed. Was it gang members or people that were burglared? She may want to address this point. I suspect the author didn't want to introduce any heavy stuff but readers like myself would like to know. I was upset when Samuel was talking about school. The rejection and isolation and being the only black. I've experience moments like those since I arrived in England. But things have changed a great deal since. Mixed race family and kids are becoming an epidemic. I suspect there wont be any full black or white living in England in 50 years time.
Anyway, high stars but I will continue reading

Such beautiful descriptions bringing amazing imagery to mind. It brought me memories of my walking along the cliffs in Northern California, the breakers smashing against the granite shoreline. The writing through this chapter is as poetic as the first chapters, captivating and visceral. You write, "morning rose in a haze of sea-fret common to this northern coast," and how "spring flowers sprang from the granite walls in abundance" to create a "beautifully patterned stones" that looked like a work of art. And the characters continue vivid, one description in particular resonating with me, "Everything always came back to her mother, she had inexorable control." I'm so glad to return and indulge in more such mesmerizing writing, Pamela, totally delightful.
Donna
No Kiss Goodbye

Hi Pamela,

In response to your invite to read your book, I have read through the first chapter. Agree with some comments below. You paint a very clear picture of your surroundings. Reminded me a little of 'the Great Gatsby,' in style. High praise I know!!

I am not convince by the opening sentnce though. It feels unfinished. I woudl suggest something like ... 'Farrowdale House was something of an enigma. Nestled comfortably into the Lush surrounds of the Lune Valley.. etc... '

Just a thought :-)

For now it's 5 stars from me.

Hope you can return a review on my book 'Broken Up, Breaking Down,' when u get a chance.

Eddie

Hey Pamela - as promised I've had chance to read the first two chapters of your book. You have an excellent way of painting a very clear picture - the first chapter seems dedicated to introducing a lot of characters and giving a full description of the house so we know who the players will be and where the location will be set. I think you may have been able to incorporate some of these 'facts' as each person becomes relevant but that's just a personal choice. For me the full story/journey really began in Chapter 2 once there was more dialogue between the characters so you had chance to see their diversities and personalities in what they said and how they said it. I love the concept and plot - very intriguing in itself.

Pamela, I'm growing more and more in love with your story. The characters are coming to life for me. I'm sorry I don't have the luxury of reading this all the way through the very end, but will.

Donna
No Kiss Good-bye

You have a beautiful way with words, Pamela, a few and yet paint a rich picture, like this, "copper-faced in the light of the dipping sun." My mind saw Samuel and Daniel as though I took a photograph of them. Delightful.
Donna
No Kiss Good-bye

PS. Yes, of course, I will continue to read your story and I hope with your continued support to have more time soon, so I can read more than just a couple of chapters in a sitting :)) I look forward to your thoughts on mine when you have the chance. Thank you with all my heart, Pamela!

Dear Donna, thank you so much for your lovely appraisal, I'm delighted to receive it and look forward to reading your No Kiss Goodbye.I've put you on my bookshelf,would you like to be one of my friends. Speak to you again when I've read your book.
Kind Regards, Pam Crabtree

Pamela, you've transported me into their world. The writing is fluid, the storyline is interesting and from the first chapter you've created a sense of mystique, a simmering undercurrent. You have a distinct writer's voice that is immediately apparent. There's a confidence that comes across. But more than that, it reads intimate, as though the narrator is sharing a sofa and relaying a story close to her heart. It's beautiful. The dialogue is natural, capturing the dynamics between such different people. And with few words, you paint the distinct personalities of your characters. This is superb. I've totally enjoyed the chapters so far and willl read it through You're truly amazing!
Donna
No Kiss Good-bye

Dear Pamela,

I am not sure where the fault lay but it was great to be able to read the 2nd and 3rd chapters tonight. I especially liked the way that you illustrated Samuel and Helena through their relationship with each other and the way that you brought in the theme of Samuel's missing brother was very intense. The reconcilliation of Samuel with Daniel came as a bit of a surprise being so soon which actually added a touch more suspense to the plot. Their reaction in meeting was very well written with such a beautiful economy that brought an emotion that created a sympathy for the reader and really made the story come to a 3d light in a new way. Again, as with the Zulu greeting , this painted the scene well.
I also like the way that you described Miranda and the image of a gazelle is an unusual but very apt and descriptive similee.
All in all I think that there is a great balance here of detail and emotion in your book which is woven together colourfully and well. the strands of faith and prayer and God are delicately brought into the ovrall texture in a subtle and yet powerful way which shows your sensitivity to the spiritual dimension of life. the careful desriptions of the symbolism in the African paintings and art works are another example of this.
I really appreciated reading what I have of your book and wish you all the best success with it. Kindest regards, Steve

Dear Pamela,

I have read chapters 1,4 and 5. However I have had a problem trying to view chapters 2 and 3 - everytime that I try to view them I get a message that there was a problem downloading the chapter. Usually this means at my end , but I have tried quite a few times at various intervals and always the same result and only for these chapters. Please can you check that there wasnt a fault when you originally uploaded them
I will return for more but right now I want to congratulate you on your very colourful and poetic use of language. Describing Samuel as 'a shadow that morphed into a person' or that his eyes were 'pools of sadness circled by lavender shadows'! These images really are so vivid and the character is immediately brought to life. After the first chapter, I agree with DrJ That a family tree as a part of a foreword would take some burden off the reader with regards to the intricate family history that you describe.
Having said that I think that you have set the scene very well with the two families the Farrowdales and the Jardinas. It is just a little bit too much and requires a concentration that takes one away from the beautiful imagery describing the main characters and setting, all of which is very unique and beautiful.
Chapter four was , likewise exceptionally well written but as a reader I felt a bit of curiosity to learn a bit more of the vivd detail of the 'informal settlements ' of Soweto.
Anyway, I am looking forward to the intervening chapters and will try again later when the website is not so overloaded and perhaps I may have better luck , but pleaase check that the chapters are there. Someone told me about that for my book and I checked and learnt that 1 chapter of mine had failed to load.
Kindest regards, Steve

Dear Pam: You are right - your gift is writing imagery. There's so much beautiful imagery in your book that I don't know where to begin: from the imagery of Farrowdale garden to the imagery of South Africa, all of your descriptions are so vivid and poignant that I felt myself there, as a reader. You certainly have a talent in describing settings and scenes and I loved every bit of your descriptions.

I've only two suggestions for you: sometimes your story is lovely but reads more like a historical travelogue than a novel and, while I would not cut down on your beautiful imagery at all, I wonder if it would be best if some of the "trips" or "visit" in the story could be eliminated and only those vital to the plot left remaining in order to enhance the plot a bit more? Also, if you could work on your dialogues a bit so that they would seem a little more natural - as they are, they're a bit formal and almost instructional at times. I don't know how to write dialogues myself so I'd suggest perhaps you contact an editorial service to help in this area, it's just that, as a reader, the conversations felt a bit stilted some times.

As for your central plot, it is a charming story and so realistic that it seems autobiographical at times: Samuel, the beloved, old black butler and close friend to Helena; Helena, a lovely young woman pressured into living with her manipulative and controlling mother; James Redford, the neighboring farmer who falls in love with Helena; and their marriage and going to live on the Isle of Harris while giving Farrowdale to Samuel until he dies at the age of 95.

I did read your story closely through the first 10 chapters and then, due to some time constraints here at home, skimmed a bit through the last ten. Oh, I do have one more suggestion for your beautiful book: at the beginning, provide a geneological tree drawing for both Samuel's family and one for Helena's family. That would be not only a great resource for the reader to use in following your story but it would also be a lovely illustration to add to your work!

Pam, you are a very gifted, talented writer and I can not stress enough what a beautiful book you have written. I do hope you'll take some time polishing it up a bit and editing out a few trips/vacations to leave an excellent novel which, I think, will become very popular once published. Best wishes on finding and working with an editor and publisher! This is really good work! Sincerely, Pat