Running Home

Why the hell is your book moving in the wrong direction? You have new backings. I don't understand. Seriously, everyone, clean out the deadwood on your bookshelf and make some room for Running Home.

Wicked. I like this. Your build up in your chapters is very clever. I dont know if you realise this talent, but you keep us wanting more but build us up slowly. Its like finishing a sweet before you have to get into the classroom. I havent come across this too much in the past but I like it.
Love where the story is going and where you aim it. Cracking pitch, flows well, well told. I enjoyed this. Big pat on the back you....
Sean

Julie
Who doesn't like a good vampire story with romance in it. I think you are on a definite winner here. I think you'll be on the ED before you know it. Good luck and best wishes (though I don't think you need either of these) as the book really stands on its own.
Brian

Hey,

I intended on reading one chapter but ended up reading four. I LOL'd at the first chapter because the way you described it enabled me to imagine it so vividly in my head. Your style of writing is good, it flows well and keeps you wanting to read more.

Good luck with this, happily put on my WL.

Take care, Leesha

Possible WTF? see invite below

I've read the first two chapters so far and - awesome. Your character descriptions are enjoyable, particularly the dialogue between Kat and Ellie, and my personal favorite - the description of Jason
The first chapter seemed so different than the second, with the anticipation and mystery of the bookstore, and the unknown voice... followed by Ellie... Now i just need to wait for the fantasy and the sexy vampires to kick in and I'm golden

well done!

cheers for now
Jaclyn x
It Never Happened

invite to WTF: http://authonomy.com/forums/threads/106125/wtf-write-the-fantasy/
(make sure you mention me if you join, that way they know i sent you)

I just thought I'd comment, because hey, comments help and everyone on this damn site is as stagnant as pond water lately.

Julie's made some great updates to Running Home, and as soon as I upload them for her, ya'll in for a treat!

Julie as promised I have placed you on my shelf finally. Please pardon the delay in getting you there sooner.

"Running Home" has sharpened into a great book and should continue to climb.

Thank you for all your support and I'm glad to have you as a fan and friend.--JL "The Devil Of Black Bayou", "The Wings of the Seraph", & "Shadow Ghosts of the Moonlight"

Random chapter review.

Phew! Sorry this has taken me so long.
This story just seems to be getting better and better, and its right up my street. It holds everything for me, romance, vampires, mystery, i love it, i love it, i love it. I honestly cant wait to read more.

Now for my nit-picks.

Chapter 15 (totally random chapter. But these are the ones thaat a lot of people dont get to, so i always think these are the best to do) Please dismiss and ognore anything that you dont agree with, these are just the crazed ramblings of a very tired bookworm- its been a looooong day! ha ha

Ok, so it was labelled by authonomy as chapter 15 but you have it titled as chapter 18 (?) i checked the others and they seem to be out of sync also- i hate it when that happens.

It still was so strange to me (try- it still felt so strange to me)
We (just) rode in (insert- silence- or keep the word quiet, but i think silence works best. You could even exoand on it, ie.- ' we rode in silence, both comfortable in the silence that lingered between us.' - just a thought) (ps. i have a pet hate for the word JUST! arg!)

that fills me when your near. (remove- me - not needed)
The paragraph that starts - I couldnt respond. Exhilaration... (soemthing felt like it was missing from between these two sentences. Im not sure what hoever, but it felt clunky)

(But) i bet he wouldnt
My look(s) showed him that i
"Nicholas, i (feel) like we broke in
I was (wary- not weary) of drinking from a glass
was all i could (manage) to say.
I had no idea what (or who) he was talking about
(also- remove as redundant) and i never liked her many suiters.
Walter produced a small (silver- not sliver) box

"No, no, (only) part of it was terrible. (It needs the only otherwise the sentence didnt make sense)
Did he 'ever even' see his William? (i switched it around from even ever as it flowed better)
"After, Roman actually (sat) down and flipped on (the) tv
of Roman feeding that Chris (???- i think i know what you were trying to say, but i didnt understand the sentence enough to be able to help you)


I hope these notes help you. I know it seems like a lot, but it really isnt. Most of them are just typos, which happen when your typing too fast and the computer doesnt pick them up or spell checks it into the wrong word! ha ha!
I really am loving this and cant wait to read more.
I swear i nearly cried at Romans story.

High stars Julie

Claire C Riley
Limerence

Hi Julie,

Sorry it's taken me so long to look at this! I didn't realize I was going to be so busy this week. I've just read the first two chapters. This is fantastic. I absolutely love your descriptions of the bookstore, your first chapter totally engaged me and made me want to read on into the second, and your narration through Ellie's point of view is extremely effective. I also like how you used the second chapter to sort of reveal what Ellie is like in the presence of other people, like Kat. Finally, your vocabulary was great. This seems like exactly my kind of book.
I only have a couple of comments:
First, I feel like you could have used a little more variation in terms of sentence length and syntax, particularly in the first chapter. I loved what you were saying and how you were saying it, but there were parts where each sentence was structured almost identically to the next, which made it sound somewhat repetitive in my head while I was reading it. This was only in a few places, but I think if you looked for spots where the syntax and sentence structure seemed relatively redundant, some more variation here could benefit the writing and make it even more impressive.
In addition, I didn't really see any connection between the first chapter and the second. They were both well-written and intriguing, but one would think that after her strange experience, Ellie would still be thinking about the voice in her head and the odd brownie-peppermint smell during the second chapter. I'm not saying you have to dwell on it a lot, but at least a small mention ("I still felt strange after my experience in the Sci Fi section", etc.) would give the reader some way to tie the two together and stay grounded.
Finally - this is just a small one - in the first chapter, you used the word "pelting" to describe boots hitting the floor. I like the image, but I don't really know if "pelting" is the right word; it makes me think of things like rain that fall freely before they make contact, not stomping boots. Of course this is entirely up to you, but I might change the word "pelting" to something that fits a little better in the context. Just a thought. :)
Those are just a couple of things I noticed. Overall I think this looks like a great book with very impressive writing! Good luck with this. High stars and I'm keeping it on my watchlist in case I ever have time to come back and read more.

Best wishes,
Laura
Life According to the Dead

Hi Julie,

Sorry it's taken me so long to look at this! I didn't realize I was going to be so busy this week. I've just read the first two chapters. This is fantastic. I absolutely love your descriptions of the bookstore, your first chapter totally engaged me and made me want to read on into the second, and your narration through Ellie's point of view is extremely effective. I also like how you used the second chapter to sort of reveal what Ellie is like in the presence of other people, like Kat. Finally, your vocabulary was great. This seems like exactly my kind of book.
I only have a couple of comments:
First, I feel like you could have used a little more variation in terms of sentence length and syntax, particularly in the first chapter. I loved what you were saying and how you were saying it, but there were parts where each sentence was structured almost identically to the next, which made it sound somewhat repetitive in my head while I was reading it. This was only in a few places, but I think if you looked for spots where the syntax and sentence structure seemed relatively redundant, some more variation here could benefit the writing and make it even more impressive.
In addition, I didn't really see any connection between the first chapter and the second. They were both well-written and intriguing, but one would think that after her strange experience, Ellie would still be thinking about the voice in her head and the odd brownie-peppermint smell during the second chapter. I'm not saying you have to dwell on it a lot, but at least a small mention ("I still felt strange after my experience in the Sci Fi section", etc.) would give the reader some way to tie the two together and stay grounded.
Finally - this is just a small one - in the first chapter, you used the word "pelting" to describe boots hitting the floor. I like the image, but I don't really know if "pelting" is the right word; it makes me think of things like rain that fall freely before they make contact, not stomping boots. Of course this is entirely up to you, but I might change the word "pelting" to something that fits a little better in the context. Just a thought. :)
Those are just a couple of things I noticed. Overall I think this looks like a great book with very impressive writing! Good luck with this. High stars and I'm keeping it on my watchlist in case I ever have time to come back and read more.

Best wishes,
Laura
Life According to the Dead

Julie
Great opening chapter, really forces one into chapter two. Just how a good book should be. I've only read to the end of chapter three so far, but I want to read on and on, I really wish I had the time as this seems such a gripping story. High stars for now and on my WL.
Brian.

Just read the first chapter. I like that you haven't gone down the generic faddy "ooo a vampire story" route. I think you're work shows you have imbued a heart to the protagonist that will make her appeal to everywoman. I'll read a few more chapters in the next few days :)

ps: I wish I had a book store like that near me!!

This book is, for me, written in a perfect style and at just the right speed. The introduction to Ellie in the first chapter and the description of the book store gently pulled me into the story then the 'mystery voice' towards the end meant I had to read on. The sinister undertone began to develop very subtly through chapter three and I found myself galloping through chapters 4 and 5 to find out what happened on the first date. I'm hooked.
One miniscule edit - Chapter 4, the paragraph beginning 'It was so serene.................beating o the window'. (Needs an 'n').
Excellent. Definite purchase when published, or I may just cheat and read the rest of it here. Top stars and will shelve when I can. Janet

Janet/Helen
The Stranger in my Life

Julie,

hope all is well. Just a quick note, I had to put you to my watchlist for a while to back someone else's book. I will back you again soon.

I started to read your story thinking that I needed to read another vampire book like I needed another hole in my head. Not my genre at all but I am sooooo impressed.
I can absolutely see why you are on so many bookshelves. Your description makes me thirst for more (excuse my sense of humour). I absolutley loved it. I will come back and read more when I get a chance.
Congrats
Violet Ivy

The synopsis asks the question, “If you were Chosen, would you be victim or vampire?” In the spirit of soul-searching, I decided to consider the question before being led into the darkness of Running Home. In the classic vampire trope, one would consider victim, because of the eternal damnation element. Sure, vampires get to live a long time but, Dracula is definitely on track to get his comeuppance. As far as modern vampires, which I have spontaneously decided to classify as anything Ann Rice and forward, I would be more interested in living eternally and sexily with the exception being the Joss Whedon premise that your body is a meat case for a demon. Then, even if you’re turned, your soul is gone so… I mean what’s the point?
I’m always pleased when a story takes place in a town with which I am not familiar and television sitcoms don’t usually feature. Clearly, the vampires need to go somewhere that isn’t a major metropolis.
I decided to read one chapter to start. The first sentence didn’t grab me but the following ideas are entertaining - grumpy stares from disturbed patrons. Perhaps switching, “Definitely, I was beyond loud, irritating the comfortable world around me that was the best bookstore in history,” to the first sentence would draw the reader in more than the description of coming in from the cold. This might give you a chance to describe the people of the bookstore (and town) just as much as the setting itself. Then, we can find out what the character looks like from the perception of the people looking up annoyed. I can tell you are trying to set a light tone at the outset and emphasize the charming setting.
The voice saying, “You don’t belong here…” as the ominous mystery that you are setting up for the course of the book, fits well with the character’s awkwardness with the silent bookstore. Going back to the question in your synopsis, I’m assuming the storyline will focus on the main character’s choices and the consequences of those actions. Overall, it’s a fresh start for a vampire book and I’d bookmark it for later.

Hi Julie,

You already know my thoughts on chapter 1, so I'll get going.

Chapter 2

I enjoyed how their conversation went. The dialogue is not forced and it flows well. I like Kat because she's giggly and she's adorable. Through the way she speaks, I can tell she's fun to be with despite her tendency to go 'gaga' over handsome men.

I now know that there is this mystery guy who's so good looking Kat is interested about, and he's an attorney! They talk about how appealing this new guy is to girls because of his title, the big house he live in, etc, and then we get that Ellie hasn't been going out on dates for quite a long time because Kat is blind-dating her with not so cool guys. It tells me Kat wants to be with somebody, she just hasn't found him yet.

Somehow, I felt like there's a big gap between chapter 1 and 2. Something was missed. Has Ellie suddenly forgotten about her experience at the bookstore? Didn't she think about the voice that night? If she was best friend with Kat, wouldn't she tell her about her experience? I would like to see Ellie react about that. Maybe have her drop a glass or be suddenly gazing at a distance, and then Kat will ask what's wrong with her.

I loved the cute line from Ellie in the end.

Chapter 3

Slowly, you're giving us the idea that there's something odd/mysterious about Chris and I like that. You have the ability to prepare your readers for a significant part of the book before it actually comes.

The sideways glance she gave me let me know she needed me there to hold it together - loved this line. It tells me so much about how close they are.

His petal pink lips. I'm not sure about this. It's a little bit on the girly side. For me, he must be inviting but not in a way that compromises his manliness. Just a thought.

I like that Ellie doesn't feel safe with him around. She suspects he's hiding something and it gives me the idea that Ellie is smart and she won't get easily fooled. It intrigues me. How is Chris going to lure her? What ways is he going to use? Aside from his charm. :)

But as expected, she's also fascinated by him. She wants to get to know him. It doesn't matter if Kat likes him, too. There's just this connection that calls her to come to him. That make her want to want him. I like that part of the book and I can't wait to see how this first encounter is going to affect Ellie.

I'll stop right here for now. I have to work on chapter 4 of L&R because I haven't been working on it much. I feel so guilty! :(

It was an enjoyable read, Julie. I'll come back of course. If you have any questions about the comments above, please message me! Like I've told you before, I'm here to help! :)

D

Ok Julie I came back to Running Home with a closer look at your writng.

Again I'll break down the chapters with praise and suggestions.

Chapter 1

So I re-read the chapter under scrutiny. I see where you are trying to bring your character Kat into play. What I was looking for was a more detailed description or hints at her psychology.

The dialogue was enough to push us along and you did build a mystery moment in the Sci Fi section of the bookstore. But a walk through the bookstore, a lot of comedy with a freaky bookstore geek or a cross dressing, transgender, omnisexual, and a little foreshadowing until the chance exchange between the mystery man, might have heightened this.

Now you are bringing in a guy who smells like peppermint and brownies and she fears him? It felt "Twilighty" and if that's what you are aiming for it may work on that audience. However, if you want the Colin Farrell or Chris Sarandon fiery heat from Fright Night or Brad Pitt tormented impassioned monster to go with their menance then figure out a way to keep the smell but bring in the "great white" predatory appeal of a vampire.

"You don't belong here" quote is good at the end but you need the menace and mystery for a more effective first encounter.

Again Kat's belief system, who she is, and what she looks like are so crucial early on to building their appeal.

Chapter 2

Organic dialogue was the strength here.

Efficient word use in the narrative with an even pace. Possibly too efficient.

Bringing the characters into a catalyst of change with the party is quite evident. Maybe twist the plot around where Kat says "Hell no!" to the party but then has to get Ellie out of a some kind of jam--bad breath, time of the month, an asshole trying to force himself on her. Then pull her back into meeting mystery boy. Hell don't even have them really meet until we have established Kat's appeal. It builds his menace and mystique even more.

Chapter 3

Dialogue moving us right along. Watch them adverbs. They are a real pain in the ass.

Environmental foreshadowing is so under used. A snowstorm, a rainstorm or just an over cast day with a dead animal lying about to introduce a villain or to contrast life and death in your narrative or mortality versus immortality. It's a powerful memory pneumonic too.

Just a few suggestions and I'm glad I came back to re-read this.--JL "The Devil Of Black Bayou", "The Wings of the Seraph", & "Shadow Ghosts of the Moonlight"

Ok Julie I came back to Running Home with a closer look at your writng.

Again I'll break down the chapters with praise and suggestions.

Chapter 1

So I re-read the chapter under scrutiny. I see where you are trying to bring your character Kat into play. What I was looking for was a more detailed description or hints at her psychology.

The dialogue was enough to push us along and you did build a mystery moment in the Sci Fi section of the bookstore. But a walk through the bookstore, a lot of comedy with a freaky bookstore geek or a cross dressing, transgender, omnisexual, and a little foreshadowing until the chance exchange between the mystery man, might have heightened this.

Now you are bringing in a guy who smells like peppermint and brownies and she fears him? It felt "Twilighty" and if that's what you are aiming for it may work on that audience. However, if you want the Colin Farrell or Chris Sarandon fiery heat from Fright Night or Brad Pitt tormented impassioned monster to go with their menance then figure out a way to keep the smell but bring in the "great white" predatory appeal of a vampire.

"You don't belong here" quote is good at the end but you need the menace and mystery for a more effective first encounter.

Again Kat's belief system, who she is, and what she looks like are so crucial early on to building their appeal.

Chapter 2

Organic dialogue was the strength here.

Efficient word use in the narrative with an even pace. Possibly too efficient.

Bringing the characters into a catalyst of change with the party is quite evident. Maybe twist the plot around where Kat says "Hell no!" to the party but then has to get Ellie out of a some kind of jam--bad breath, time of the month, an asshole trying to force himself on her. Then pull her back into meeting mystery boy. Hell don't even have them really meet until we have established Kat's appeal. It builds his menace and mystique even more.

Chapter 3

Dialogue moving us right along. Watch them adverbs. They are a real pain in the ass.

Environmental foreshadowing is so under used. A snowstorm, a rainstorm or just an over cast day with a dead animal lying about to introduce a villain or to contrast life and death in your narrative or mortality versus immortality. It's a powerful memory pneumonic too.

Just a few suggestions and I'm glad I came back to re-read this.--JL "The Devil Of Black Bayou", "The Wings of the Seraph", & "Shadow Ghosts of the Moonlight"

I like this alot which is quite suprising since it isn't quite my style.
I love the descriptions in your first three chapters as I feel they draw the reader into the story and that world so don't lose it..
The third chapter is when the action really starts and for that reason the strongest of the three.
The only criticism I have is that I feel the first chapter could be a little tighter, a bit better paced.
I can't write first person narrative and I have tried so I am very impressed that you have done it so well. (Quite envious if truth be told.)
Put it another way I am impressed enough to want to read further and to put it on my book shelf as soon as a space becomes available.
Do I sound pompous I hope not.
Goodluck
Owen

Oi!

Okay so you should probably bear in mind that I am no expert in anything, ever, so you may not want to listen to me. At all. I'm going to try my best to be honest, because sometimes honest comments are hard to come by, when everyone is generally panting after making the desk.

Firstly, I think you need to make yourself a proper cover. I see you're doing pretty well without one, but a cover makes a lot of difference in the amounts of readers you get. I didn't have a great one for my first ever book on here, but once I did, you wouldn't believe how many people starting commenting unsolicited. Just a random thought, though.

The first few paragraphs were hard for me to get through, and this is why: nothing is really happening, but entering a bookstore, but it seems to go on forever, and I think it's an excess of description that's bothering me, bogging down the text. Honestly, I shouldn't talk (you've never read my first book, but good lord, I had waaay too much description at first -- ridiculous amounts, truly) but I think it would benefit from trimming some of the flowery language.

You use a lot of adverbs, which I have learned from my publisher are BAD. Now that I'm aware of this, I notice them everywhere. One sentence really popped out: 'I inhaled deeply and stole a glance shyly'.

Chapter 2

How can someone twirl a tablespoon of ice cream into their mouth?

My same crit of over describing applies here.

Something I feel I should mention, and it might drive you nuts, as it did to me when my editor pointed it out: We are in Ellie's head. Therefore the camera needs to stay on her shoulder. She is not supposed to know her facial expression. I think that's bullshit, as normally I can tell what sort of facial expression I am making at any given time (hello, you can feel it, for fucks sake) but I feel it is something I should pass on to you, should this ever be submitted to agents, etc. It's something they will rip to shreds. My editor (I really hate that woman sometimes) would constantly tell me how superficial my MC seemed, and I realized it's because I wanted to pull the camera away, show the room to the reader, but the camera needed to stay on her shoulder, as it was told in first person. Moving on.

You have a lot of dialogue tags. Most of them aren't really necessary; I am told dialogue should stand alone as often as possible, and that you should let the reader know who is speaking from little actions, and what not. While I'm on this train, you have a lot of tags that jump out, which I am also told is not good. That is the only part of writing you want to be boring. He said/She said. There's lots of 'sputtered, peeped," etc.

Sometimes the dialogue seems a little stiff. I think it could be rectified with the use of contractions, where possible. Also, it sometimes comes across as two characters lecturing eachother on things they already know, which reads very much like, 'well, as you know, Bob...' I get that it's so the reader can learn about the characters, but I think occasionally it could be in the narrative, and not dialogue. Like the part with Jason. She could have said, remember Jason? and Kat could have sulked or whatever, but in the narrative E could explain about Jason. Both characters already know about the cokehead dude, and I doubt they'd re-hash shit about him because of this.

Chapter 3

I laughed when E said her cup had a moose on it.

I know I don't know these characters very much so far, but it doesn't seem to me like Kat is 'the kindest and most genuine person'. She seems a little self absorbed and like a party animal, in my (not so expert) opinion.

E's internal narrative is entertaining. Ex: how pompous is this guy?

The description of E read as a sort of info-dump. I wonder if you could sprinkle in description of what she looked like earlier. Because I had formed a mental image of her that was completely different than the one you gave, so you shattered it. Of course people aren't going to see exactly what you see, but it helps to give us suggestions earlier on.

Still lots of adverbs going on. I think I know what you mean by 'slid gorgeously' but I'm not feeling it. Most of the adverbs you use could be replaced by stronger verbs.

These girls seem to be way caught up in how they look. I found myself not so much interested in their appearances than wanting to move on, skim the text, to find out what is happening next. I'm assuming they're not teenagers, but their dialogue reads that way.

I'm not sure if you were going for this connection, but it is reminding me of Twilight. The Cullen's house was practically all white. The Twilight vampires are near-perfect looking as well. Of course lots of people depict vampires this way, so hey, I guess it doesn't matter much. I had vampires in my first book, but they were near human except for the undead part and you know, the blood stuff.

Okay so I don't want you to hate me and think I'm trying to be mean, most of my crits and suggestions come from my own ordeal through the editing process, and I wanted to pass them along to you, so in the event of it's publication you won't have the huge fucking headaches I had.

I feel like this is the bones of something good, but it needs work. Specifically with the adverbs and trimming some descriptions. I feel the vampires are a tad cliche, but hey, that's probably subjective. If you've not heard it before, I'd just ignore me (most people do anyway).

M

I absolutely love it, Julie!
I thought your narrative voice was great, and the first paragraph really drew me in. I connected with the main character right from the start, and got a great sense of place from all of the little details. Lines like "creaked underfoot like it remembered every time I visited" were really evocative.
I'm going to back this as soon as I finish writing this comment. One small, hopefully helpful suggestion I have is that instead of "a lot of ice cream" on chapter 2, I might go with something like "a heaping spoonful" of ice cream, but that's such a minor detail.
Fantastic work, Julie! I'm definitely looking forward to reading more when I have a chance.
I think you might be a writer to look out for, and I'll be proud to have your book on my shelf!

Mike
Arrival of the Ageless

What a great read! Wow...
I've read a lot of category paranormal romance and this is better than most. I, like so many others, I felt a real disconnect between chapters 1 (which is outstanding, BTW) and 2. Perhaps an opening sentence that links them would help. But after that I couldn't put it down. I love the way each chapter ends wih a hook that forces to reader to move onto the next chapter. Your character development is fantastic. I did catch the occasional typo or missed word, but you've probably already received so much feedack on that kind of stuff. But what I want to know most is (besides when does it come out in print?) is there a second book? What happens to Roman? Can we see if Eliza and Nicholas continue their epic romance into eternity after she becomes one of the undead through Roman's eyes? Does Chris get what's coming to him?
I'm hooked...Great Job, Julie.

THANK YOU, ALL OF MY READERS! RUNNING HOME IS UNDER 200 AND MOVING FORWARD!

THANK YOU, ALL OF MY READERS! RUNNING HOME IS UNDER 200 AND MOVING FORWARD!

Started and finished reading this yesterday. We wont talk about the state of my house! ;) A very good, engaging read.

I started taking notes, but got sucked into the book before too long.

Here are the two possible edits I took note of.

Guys, it's Christmas (Christmas spelled wrong)
The, the. riddles...

I found the flip from the first chapter to the second a little strange, and had to go back and forth a bit to work out if the person in the first chapter was the same in the second - she seemed so normal in the second chapter, not stressed out at all any more. But I figured it out eventually. :)

Also thought that the conflicting emotions she had when she met Nicholas for the first time were well written and quite convincing.

Great wrapping up of the story too. Not what I expected.

Thanks for a great read. Shelved and a great rating!

Tara
(Wife to Brett Adams: Dark Matter)

Hi,
ive just read the first 4 chapters of Running Home. i somehow stumbled upon this book, but im glad i did ;0) i really liked your introduction- had me hooked straight away and kept me enteratined enough to read so much.
Your writing flows effortlessly, although im sure there are hours of writing and editing that have gone into this- it doesnt show!
I like your characters and their relaitionships with eachother are believable.
Cant wait to read more.
regards
Claire C Riley
author of Limerence
If you get a chance, perhaps you could have a look at mine?

Hi Julie,

I’ve just finished Running Home and I thought it was really good. I made a few notes in the beginning but then just got into reading it.

Notes:
I actually think you could cut the first paragraph entirely and start with the second (maybe edit it a bit). The first has a lot of exposition and description. I think the second paragraph tells us exactly the same things as the first but in fewer words and with more action: it’s freezing outside, the character loves the bookshop and is familiar with it, it’s an old place full of dust and doesn’t change much. I think that’s all very clear from paragraph 2 and it has the benefit of starting with some action that tells us a lot about the character – browsing the bookstore – that’s a real character trait, rather than just shaking snow off (which could describe anyone).

‘As clear as day’ is a cliché

The repetition of ‘you don’t belong here’ is quite effective and spooky. There’s a sense of intensity and claustrophobia to it.

I thought the dialogue was well handled. It’s pacey and easy to read. Things move along nicely while they’re talking, though you have a few issues with dialogue layout.

The ‘upon asking him’ was a little weird. It doesn’t really fit with the rest of the language. George Orwell wrote an interesting essay about this kind of ‘business report’ style language that’s become ubiquitous but meaningless. Go for the simplest way of saying things every time, rather than fancier language that doesn’t really say anything.

The coffee cup that ‘had a moose on it’ made me laugh.

The pacing is good. The way the chapter 1 has a scary incident and then chapter 2 slows down and makes you wait to find out about it is good.

I like the way she describes her more confident friend, it gives a sense of her own insecurities but also their relationship.

Romance isn’t usually my genre at all but I have read some and I think this fits well in the romantic fiction genre, and I kept clicking on the next chapter so you must be doing something right.

I was intrigued from the start about the scary voice and the relationship with Nicholas so I think you’ll hook readers from the beginning. I was glad the love interest turned out not to be the rich lawyer. Nicholas is a bit more interesting than your average rich vampire. I liked Roman, and it was definitely a surprise that he turned out to be the one who killed Kat! Good twist.

I liked the description of the log cabin, I could feel that this is your fantasy house! It’s very inviting. I’ve found myself thinking about lighting the fire when I get home!

The introduction to Roman with his ‘irrestistible brooding’ made me laugh

I like the world you’ve created. The vampire as angel of death is very interesting.

I won’t go into the inevitable comparisons to Twilight and 50 Shades! The story’s not an original one by now but I’m sure you’ve read a lot in this genre and you know that. Readers don’t seem to mind the repetition anyway so it’s probably a good thing your book resembles ones like this!

My best advice would be to have a really thorough proof read (or get/hire someone to do this) because there are many instances of dialogue laid out incorrectly, typos and some other grammar errors that might confuse a reader.

You could also join a creative writing group who could critique your book in depth. I find groups or courses like this, or books on creative writing, are really useful for eradicating bad habits like resorting to clichés or being melodramatic.

Thanks for an enjoyable read!

I hope this helps and good luck!

Em

Julie,

There is something effortless in your writing. The flow, plotting and dialogue are all very smooth and polished. Love the story line, the intrigue and your characters. Although Ellie feels as though she's ordinary, she isn't. There's humour in her characterisation, which is endearing. I like the building tension between Nicholas and Ellie, but I feel there's some bad times a head too! Can't wait to read on and find out. This is going on my shelf and I'll be back to read more! Best of luck!
Gilly

Hi Julie,
What a flow! I'm amazed to hear your first-person voice and Running Home is definitely getting me hooked in. Though I read only the first two chapters, I liked the plot and characterization very much.

The quality of your writing style in general, and sentence structure is quite sophisticated. I liked the dialogue scene between Ellie and Kat, as you've managed to inject all sorts of information, plus Chris Lynch's info was timely fused into the plot for coming chapters ahead.

'You don't belong there' was a good one in Chapter 1...

I gave you high stars and will be back for more comments as I read on,
Stay well, you're great.
Lucette- Ten Deep Footprints

Even the first few sentences of this draw you straight into the story! When she exited the shop with the words still in her head, I was wishing the chapter had continued further.
For me, the second chapter didn't really contain anything worthwhile - it seemed part of chapter 3?
Generally, I found your writing very easy to read and full of great description. I like the way you've been building up the story, but if I was being very picky, perhaps it needs more action. The first chapter grabs you, but then you seemed to back off a bit too much? Just my opinion of course.
Good luck with this!
Mike.
Way Back To Devil's Mountain.

Hello,

So far I'm really enjoying the story!

I think the writing flows nicely and you have a great tone and style.

I'm not sure what else to say apart from that I'm really enjoying reading :)

JUST WANTED TO THANK EVERYONE FOR THEIR FANTASTIC COMMENTS AND RECEPTION OF RUNNING HOME! HAVE KEPT NOTE OF EVERYONE'S COMMENTS, AND I THINK YOU WILL ALL BE PLEASED WITH THE EDITS I PLAN TO UPLOAD AT THE END OF SEPTEMBER. THANK YOU FOR MAKING ME A BETTER WRITER.

--JULIE

I would choose vampire ;-)

I only read seven chapters and I'm intending of finishing it because you had me from the first page. I hope I develop to be as good as you are. The characters are captivating. Do I think that Ellie is boring because she lives in a small city? Of course not!!! Ellie is an exciting character and can't wait to find out what is hidden deep inside. Good work!!!!!

I read C20, and without knowing anything else of the book I loved it...

It has a good style of writing and easily flows through the chapter. The dialogue again flows throughout eh chapters, making is easy to read.

The characters are clearly well written, as I could pick up their traits straight away without having to read the first chapters.

As a a Twilight reader, who generally doesn't give chance to other vampire stories, just reading the one chapter made me want to read the whole book.

Hey, Julie
I love it so far and the description is not boring it actually helps create the scene especially the smell of the book store. It was like I could smell it, too. That's something you need to keep.
-Clarissa

Well, this is something: a vampire story that I actually like. You've created a rich, relatable narrator with actual personality in a vibrant, yet tense, story. Perhaps a bit too sensual for my tastes-I stopped at chapter 6-but then again, the genre really isn't my thing.

That said, I LOVED the description of Nic's house and the whole New Hampshire town. It felt very familiar and made me wish I was there. What I had issue with was the way Ellie fell for Nicholas. There was nothing that made me think she was really attracted to him, aside from how she constantly reinforced how attracted she was to him. That's rather hard to buy, so I'd encourage you to go back and do a bit more showing and less telling.

That aside, the writing is strong and well done. Thanks for the great read!

Hi Julie,

Although I'm not one for romance and vampires, I enjoyed my read of "Running Home". I found your pacing to be excellently done, and your prose flowed effortlessly from chapter to chapter. Ellie is, for the most part, a very believable character on whose shoulders the story is carried well. A few minor grammar nitpicks that have already been pointed out can be corrected, and then you've got a great winner! Six stars, I will be definitely watching this rise up the ratings!

Ryan

Eerie. Spooky. This is great. The way you refer to smell gives the book another dimension; you need to sell this with a scratch and sniff card to go along with it!!!

SIX BIG STARS!!!

Hi Julie

RMA recommended your book to me and i am glad tha he did. I have got to the end of chapter 10 and can't wait to read more. I think your book is excellent - from the start your description and telling of the story are brilliantly executed, you set the scene effortlessly and the characters are almost like friends that you already know. I like how you describe Ellie and Nicolas meeting - how he haunts and intoxicates her senses and almost takes over her thoughts, love starting afresh is so wonderful to read and you convey it to the reader very well. I know now that i will enjoy the rest of your book and i will be happy to post further comments - this is easily worthy of E.D. and a definite purchase for me if i saw it in a book shop. I wish you well with this book, high stars without hesitation and on my WL. Kind regards, Little Miggy x

Hey, Julie!

Wow... I have read Running Home, in its entirety...

It had me hooked from the beginning and I didn't want to stop reading. My hubby and I have a nightly thing lately: after we get our two-year old to bed, we sit down together and watch 'Supernatural' on Netflix... I look forward to it all day... but I SO wanted to read this instead! So we watched a few episodes, then I read until four in the morning. As soon as I got up, I started reading again and finished it.

I loved it! I was going to take notes as I read (I wanted to leave you a great comment, full of details) but was so into it, I couldn't get beyond writing down how intense the first face-to-face meeting with Nicholas was (my heart was racing along with Ellie's!) :) Anyway. It was a great story, and your vampires are so cool -- from why they feed to their abilities.

Now the only thing left to say is "I want more!" I could so go for a continuation of the characters' lives and what problems might crop up next.

Thanks for the read!

Heather Riffle
Terra Incognita

A dramatic opening. The trip to a bookshop on a snowy day then the hit with the voice in the MC head and his reaction to it.
High stars for keeping my attention with the multitude of punch lines

Hey Julie,

Your long summary is flawless. The way it’s written pulls the reader in and makes them want to read your first chapter. Right from the start, I am hooked.

One thing I would suggest is splitting up your long summary into two or three paragraphs. It makes it easier to read, but that’s just my opinion.

Anyway, on to your First Chapter.

“Apparently useless in keeping my hair dry.” – love this!

“Definitely, I was beyond loud…” – I would remove “Definitely”

Great job on descriptions. I really feel like I’m there in the book shop with the main character. So well-written!

“…Birch Tree Books sing that had been collecting dust behind the door [was now] repurposed into a table with freshly carved legs supporting it.” – I would take out “had been” after “door” and insert “was now” to make it sound less repetitive

I absolutely loved reading your first chapter. So many great hooks! And what a thrilling idea. To have someone speak to you with their minds yet not know who it is?

Great ending.

Chapter Two

“…in the old armchair of questionable origin opposite [of] my own.” – I think “of” needs to be placed in here

“I couldn’t help the slight upturn of my lips as I looked up from the fifth page of reports from work that I had been reading that only seemed to say ‘unpaid overtime’ to me.” – this sentence can definitely be tightened a bit. Right now it feels like one big run on sentence. Maybe… “I couldn’t help the slight upturn of my lips as I looked up from the fifth page of reports. This work definitely screamed “unpaid overtime” to me.” Or something like that. I think you need to split that sentence in two or add a comma somewhere

I found zero other problems with this chapter. Way to go girl! You have already won me over, and I will probably end up reading more of this when I have the time.

For now you get six out of six stars, and I’ll back you when some space on my shelf clears up.

All the best!

Christine Rees
Spark

Hi Julie,

So far I've read to the end of chapter 5 of 'Running Home' and find it very impressive! Ellie is a well-rounded narrator, with her unorthodox character actually complimented and brought to the foreground by her friendship with confident Kat. Never since I studied 'Dracula' in university have I physically shuddered as I read! The perpetual wintery atmosphere is the perfect setting to emphasise the chilling plot and character of Nicholas French. His smooth, entrancing dialogue and immediate influence over Ellie is superb. While reading, it feels like a dark cloud of foreboding is hanging over, creating a continuous feeling of tension.

In the interest of balance, I would say that I have noticed one or two - as my university professor has us call them them - mis-matched sentence structures.
For example:
'I also really wanted to see this mansion he had built, like anyone else'
I thought this sounded like it meant that like anyone else, Chris had built his own mansion.
Personally I would swap it around:
'Like anyone else, I also really wanted to see this mansion he had built'

I will be continuing to read 'Running Home' and giving full-novel comments once I do.

Ryan
'The Angel of Prophecy'

Excellent writing, composition, narrative flow and character insights. Plot and story arc are "conventional paranormal romance", and I am not saying this in a negative way. Great writing makes "conventional" plots come alive, as is the case here.

I would have made a few different word choices here and there, had I written it, but that's nit-picking.
You: Kat flopped girlishly...
Me: Kat dropped herself into the armchair opposite my own, flopping around in her best "little girl at her first sleep-over" style, sweeping her arms across the chair's tattered purple fabric of questionable origin.

High star rating from me! :D

I do believe this is the first vampire story I read on here. You have good descriptions and they paint a good picutre, but I do think that you do a little bit more telling than showing. Not so keen on the kind of the story but your writing ranks high with me.

Abby

Hi Julie,
I will not pretend that I have read every word. I have done what I often do, which is dip into chapters at random to see if the writing and style have been maintained throughout. The flavour of the story comes out well in the pitch which is well presented.
I have enjoyed what I have read. You have a very smooth and well thought out style of writing. Just the right amount of description - many Authonomy writers overlard their work with far too many adjectives- and just the right amount of dialogue. It is altogether a very good piece of work.
On a technical point your chapter numbers seems to be something of a moveable feast. Chapter 8 shows up as Chapter 9, Chapter 29 as Chapter 32 and so on. This happened to me once. I am not sure why it happens.
Best wishes John Philip

As promised, Julie, here is my review of Running Home:

This is a very chilling read. I really like what you have done here. Rich with detail, ideally incisive, and written in a well-observed caliber, Running Home is a story that adds to the lore of vampires, but refuses to be disloyal to the love of the saga. The flow of the narration is smart and don't come off forced by the author and although it seems these stories have been overdone, the writing and the story in itself makes the journey worth it. The rewards of reading is that the audience can engage themselves in a story that is beautifully executed. It hits the reader from the word GO at the opening without wasting a word, or using space undeservedly. Running Home is a story that merits being on the Editor's Desk.

JC Whitfield

Quirky, authentic, and down to earth...I like it! I Ellie is a strong character who isn't afraid to be her clumsy self. I liked the fact that I can connect so well with her. I can't wait to see where this supernatural romance will go, because I've enjoyed getting to know Kat and Ellie so far. They are both brilliant characters. The imagery of the writing is good too. I can for the most part visualize very well what's going on and I enjoy what I read. The book description was my favorite so far, but maybe that's because I've had similar experiences walking into a bookstores that I'm very fond of. I have great childhood memories of hanging out in the sci fi and fantasy sections of bookstores.

Somethings that I think can improve general reading...1. Is simply, use said than fancy words. I found myself stumbling over interupted, yelled, added...ect. These are fine when used sparingly and when needed, but not all the time. The 'said' tag is nearly invisible which is what you really want is to not use tags at all, because than if it's clear enough your reader knows who's talking because the character's voice sings off the page. 2. Transitions needed to be watched. Sometimes I am not clear on what your are talking about. Like in the first paragraph of chapter 1 you use brilliant descriptions, but you jump from talking to the snow on her boots, to her hair, to the bookstore. The first three sentences were the most confusing since I was just getting used to how you write and I didn't know when you said strands what you were talking about (I'm so slow). For a moment I was like strands of...what? and then I reread the sentence in front of it and I was like oh, her hair, but you don't want your reader to get confused in the first paragraph and decide they don't want to read. Those are the main little things that made me stumble.

I really like what I've read so far. This actually kind of makes me think of Sunshine, because its just so authentic and quirky. Though you character's voice is very different from the one in Sunshine, but it has the same real feel to it.

I like it. So I'm going to give you a high star rate and back this!

-Christian Rogue (Beastia)