The Greek Maiden and the English Lord

Thank you sooo much for the incredible comment. It made my day. I know.....it's so nice to see that there are good people in this world that cared before and after as well. Thank you for backing my story. I continue to keep on reading yours.

Bethany

Hello. I have started to read a few chapters and I muat say I am enjoying your writing. The flow is great. I like how you described Edwards appearance and introduced the Grandma. I will continue to read on but just thought I would comment along the way. Good luck to you on here :)

high stars from one Greek to another. Excellent work!

high stars from one Greek to another. Excellent work!

HFRG Review of The Greek Maiden and the English Lord

Hi, Patty!

I have to say: you've done an excellent job with titling and cover art. It's intrigued me for a long time, and I'm so glad I joined the HF group so I can have a good chance to just sit and enjoy it.

I think you've done a wonderful job capturing period voices and attitudes. This is up to par with other literature I've read from the era as well as published HF authors--your storytelling is a slow but steady pace, your characters are slowly being revealed, and I love the authentic tone. I could clearly sense the urgency for Lily to leave the home she had always known (more on this below) as well as the acute culture shock she faces. To be a part of the very society that had shunned her, and be forced to keep her background a secret, is a monumental task.

I have only been able to read through chapter 4 due to time constraints. I wish I had time to read more, and I hope so much I have some useful feedback for you. (Please forgive me if I've jumped to conclusions, and you cover these things later!!) By the title I know that Edward and Lily are going to encounter one another at some point, but I wonder if they should make a more significant kind of connection at their meeting when the coins fell? Something that Lily feels in the pit of her stomach, or from Edward's POV maybe he notices her singed hair when her wig slips, and realizes she's the girl he helped?

Also, maybe Lily's departure could be even more poignant, like she finds some sort of charm her grandmother had slipped into her bag or something that would bring back a sharp memory of her, and make her question even more her decision to leave home. Being gypsies, it would be very difficult to for her to find Mirela again, and the thought of the complications that would arise if Count Igor was to get involved is just...eww. (He's such a slimy guy to me.)

What I read so far was so highly polished that there was only one thing I would bring up for you to consider, in Ch4:

"Maybe it was better for her to consider the rest of the journey by herself so as not to cause difficulties. A nagging problem presented itself. Where would she find a coach without calling attention to herself?" [Maybe overuse of "self?"]

Anyway, all that unsolicited advice aside, I really love your style. This is something I would buy if it were published. I love the premise, and the promise of more mysteries to unfold. It's been a pleasure to spend a few days in your corner of Victoriana. ^_^

~ Shelley

I backed this book after reading the first 2 chapters, and just had to come back to finish the rest! Lily is a brilliant character who I fell in love with right away. Her coming of age story is unique, being a gyspy who discovers she is a member of British gentry. I felt for her when she finally arrives and is stranded alone, and then more when she is shipped off to school! This book is perfect for any audience and I will be shocked if it doesn't do well. My only complaint is that a few modern phrases slip into the narrative, but you can easily go back and edit that. Otherwise, high stars and backed!

Marissa P
Our Fathers

Hello Patty, I dropped by because of the title of your story. I read the first two chapters and although I wasn't drawn into it as much as I had hoped I would, I was positively surprised to see Greek words used correctly in a manuscript :)

I have just read four chapters but I enjoyed reading this story very much. I would have continued reading if I had more time. I love everything gypsy - from music to their way of living, and I cannot resist stories with fortune-tellers so that was enough to pull me into the story. I imagine a lot of people would be the same.
Partially because of that, I would wanted to read a bit more description about Mirela the grandmother (who isn't).
If I am asked to scrutinize it, I'd not explain the escape plan in chapter 3, and just let her do it in chapter 4 (as it's done already). In this way, it could be even more thrilling.
Otherwise, I could not find anything to suggest.
It's a really nice and intriguing story.

R

Historical Fiction Group--
I am reading through your story and already care about what happens to Lily. Great job in writing a sympathetic character!
The problem that I noticed most were two things... Igor "got a hold of" and "made a bundle". Both of these are early twentieth century slang, not mid-nineteenth.
I liked the traits I saw of Lily--her love for learning and her wish to stay with the woman who raised her. She was more interested in keeping her grandmother than in a possible inheritance and family in England.
I get the sense, at the end of the second chapter, that she is about to be swept along on a stream of events that will be extremely fast-paced and interesting. I look forward to reading more.
~Hannah

YARG Review - The Greek Maiden and the English Lord by Patty Apostolides

I really enjoyed this story. It is a classic historical romance. I've always thought that historicals were very hard to write. Not only do you need to make the history accurate, but you need to make all aspects of the culture in the time period (like fashion) accurate as well. You must make all of the dialog use the diction and dialect of both the time period and location of the story. It's a lot of work.

You've pulled it off perfectly. Even your prose is written in a voice appropriate to the era. Plus, I found no technical errors, which is a minor miracle in a work of this size. I'm only sorry that I didn't get to finish the story. If you post more of it on the site, you must let me know.

One of the things I like most about the story is Lily's strength and independent mind. Her unique upbringing allowed her to avoid the traditional brain washing of young women in the time period. I'm not sure if you wrote her that way on purpose so that she would appeal to a contemporary audience of young adult women, but it will certainly be the case.

Your story reminded me of the old-fashioned romances I read as a teenager by Betty Neels. Except that her women were all too passive and compliant. But I think poor Betty was in her nineties when I was in my teens so she wouldn't have known feminine empowerment if it jumped up and bit her in her British bum. Nevertheless, her stories always had a fabulous happy ending, and I hope yours does as well.

The only thing I don't completely love about this story is your short pitch. You spend all of your precious 25 words talking about the Greek War of Independence, but spend maybe ten words in your entire excerpt talking about it. The story is a love story on a grand scale, set in nineteeth-century England. The war may have inspired you to write the story at first, but has really very little to do with the current tale except as background. You may draw in more of your target audience if you change it to reflect the romance aspect of the novel.

There is a forum on Authonomy called QWOG. We work on pitches, and we're running out of victims, I mean fellow writers. You might want to join and see what the group can offer.

I wish I could say something more constructive, but there's nothing left to improve. I just want to know what happens to poor Lily now that she's been disgraced and made into a maid with two years of indentured servitude ahead while idiot Edward has proposed to prattling Charlotte.

High stars and best wishes,
Laura Emmons
Seeing Magic

Very interesting historical read. Highly starred and backed.
john

My belated return HFWG review. And not a very constructive one, for in truth I am not a very constructive reviewer. Like Julius Caesar's thumb, up or down, books have but two classifications: 'Yes' or 'No'. Here, I am going to break my own rule and say, 'Maybe.'

Were someone to ask me what sets the yeses apart from the no's, I could only say, "The way that the words spill out over the page." Perhaps I should abandon fiction writing and stick to poetry!

This could be a humdinger were there a little more poetry, colour, texture in the words, which, in truth, I found just a little two-dimensional. And, goodness me, there is enough colour in your characters and your settings to set the pages alight.

Yet historical fiction seems often to be written thus. I open the first chapters of Ken Follett's 'World Without End' in the hope of latching onto something to help me make my point - and I find that, in both style and content, his writing is very similar to your own. (But then I think I had the same reservations when first reading that book - and, heaven shrive me from egg on my face, I think I would have said the same were I to review that great, great novel.) But perhaps when your book is 91 chapters long, you don't have the time, the space or the energy to embellish too much - although, to that, I would counter that I wish that his book had been much shorter in content and longer in description.

A lot of my discomfort may stem from the fact that, undoubtedly, US written English and English written English do differ; and Lily 'exiting' the dark chamber gave me visions of her coming out of the subway or a public lavatory. Moreover, it mattered not to me that the bookseller's premises was either a chamber or dark: she could simply have come out from the bookseller's shop (or even rushed out because she was late.) Late for what, I would have asked myself; and been engaged.

'A sigh escaped her lips when she spied...' This para turned me off, too. Too many adjectives; and the sigh sounded as if it were breaking out of Alcatraz.

And yet the man has just said he would like more texture. What is he banging on about? Well, to me, the sigh escaping added nothing: "The sun was already dropping behind the stone building across the street. She must hurry." For me, the sun only peaks or peeks in nursery rhymes; and, anyway, it doesn't 'peak' in descent. Again, I could be nervously fingering my watch and wondering what it is that she is late for.

To me, action and description in one sentence only prolongues it and detracts from the impact of both. How about "Lily's bare feet barely skimmed the cobbles." Now you are free to let rip on the scene all around her; and with Lily engaged in running, I am ready for it - nay, longing for it.

But one more comment: The dialogue I found a little stilted - and especially your take on the conversation of upper crust English gentry. They, too, blow bubbles in the bath; and I think you could take this up another level if every character had a trait of speech so that we could almost instinctively know who was speaking without ever having to be told - and Lily especially.

I say that an edit after a couple of gin and toinics could take this a long way - but I also note that it is far, far, above mine in the chart - so who am I to say?

AJB

This is a YARG review! :-)

Hi Patty! I love this story! Really great plot! so much fun! I love your Lily, her grandma, and her adventure! :-) I really wanted to read the whole thing, but with my classes starting again, Im going to have to come back later.

I have some thoughts for you for your first few paragraphs, but after that, your writing is wonderful! I just wanted to read and read. Your story, your characters, your description was just beautifully connected and intertwined to just pull me in to become a part of Lilly's story. You have a very smooth writing style, complete, concise and consistent.

But I mentioned some thoughts about the first few paragraphs. I just felt like you were trying so hard to "write" the picture in your head, that it is over done, almost pushed. Here are a few of the words that make it seem a little too flowery, or complex, or just might not be needed:

"dark chamber," "grubby hands," (negative, filthy, dishonest connotation- and the word 'clutching" suggests that hands are doing the holding - perfectly) , "cresent glow", "wild profusion", "pungent", "chaotic" ( where the shouts really chaotic? ), "pitter patter" (gives me the feeling of little childrens feet) simple footsteps on the cobblestone suggests just the sound you might be looking for,), "tiny tears" (simply using the word "worn" would give just the picture in my head of a tent with small tears here and there, without putting my brain through the difficulty of seeing and saying "tiny tears".

Its really awesome though, how, after these first few paragraphs, you slip into your "natural voice" telling your story, with grace and fluidity, and nothing stopped me again till Mrs Harford tries to explain the Fredricks. Im afraid I really got confused, where the father and son both had the same name. Who was which and which was Lily's parents? and who knew who? :-) Maybe there is a word or two that would clear that up for the reader. :-)

But really, simplify the first bit, let your natural voice carry your story right from the start, and you have got a terrific book! It will be out there soon. !!

6 stars! I really don't do that much!!
It will be fun to watch you go. :-) Good luck!

Jeannette Singleton
Journey to Kalado're

The Greek Maiden and the English Lord

Excellent. The first chapter is a great start to the book. It would be a shock for anyone to learn that your gypsy grandmother isn't your grandmother and that you're not a gypsy. Instead you learn your mother is a Greek heiress and your father is an Englishman. Mind you, with each new revelation in chapter two, she seemed to accept the news quite readily.

The story moves along at a good pace and of course there are ups and downs along the way.

The bit of French: “Ne vous enquietez pas, ma petite,” might be off putting to some people. I can think of several friends that wouldn't like it. Perhaps you could get Lily to translate it in her mind!

The editing is excellent, the grammar is good.

Highly starred!

Charles Knightley
The Secret of Netley Abbey

This is very original and thought out. I don't think I have ever read anything on this subject before. Extremely enjoyable first two chapters.

Club Nora ch- 2

Ahh! The excitement of adventure just around the corner! Chapter two nicely opens the door leading to new and tantalizing opportunities. This chapter really drives the story forward. Good job!

April Gray
The Illusion

YARG review

Hi Patty,

I`ve read four chapters of the Greek Maiden so far, and I see this slowly turning into a Cinderella type story. It`s very engaging. My geography lost me a bit when it only took one day for the ship to get from Caen to Portsmouth. I thought Caen was in the south of France (silly me). You may want to give your readers (well the ignorant ones like me) a rough hint about Caen being on the coast of Northern France. The story is extemely well polished, there`s really nothing to critique here. The story, so far is excellent. Your short pitch is not so great, it doesn`t really describe the story I`ve been reading. The Greek war is a long way in the past, this is the story of a young girl discovering herself and a new world. Not much at all to do with a Greek war that she can`t even remember.

Likewise, I`m not sure the title is quite right for the story. You`ve emphasized her being a Greek maiden in the title, but she could just as easily have been the `Gypsy Maiden` or the `Gypsy Waif``. Making her simply `The Greek Maiden`isn`t as appealing as the character that you`ve build in the book. She`s much more. Maybe `The Lost Maiden of Greece and her English Lord`. Regardless a very, very, good book.

Scott Butcher (The Merlin Falcon)

This is a fascinating book covering the trials and tribulations of the main character during a period of Greek history which rarely gets any airtime. Patty has painted a highly engaging narrative with graphic character descriptions and scene development which makes it an easy read. Recommended and highly starred. One for my bookshelf in the near future.

Clive Radford
Doghouse Blues

The Greek Maiden and the English Lord.
By Patty Apostolides.


I would just like to mention this book again, it’s a wonderful read.
First of all, I rather like the book cover, it says so much.
The cover of a book is the first thing that a potential buyer sees, it’s the difference between whether a book stays on the shelf or makes its way to the till, after reading the pitch of course.
I found the book to be written with very colourful scenes, giving the reader a view into the gypsy way of life.
The author conveys well the atmosphere in the tent as Lily tips her well earned takings from the day into the hand of her grandmother, Mirela, skilled in the art of fortune telling.
I could picture Mirela, with her large gold earrings and crystal ball in the candle- lit tent…lovely!
The catching fire of Lily’s hair caught me by surprise but it’s a good way of introducing Edward into the story.
I felt for Mirela as she explains to Lily her true lineage, and that she’s not her real grandmother, a bit sad to me as they’re very close after ten years together—quite a shock for Lily to learn of this.
This is a great story with a very high standard of writing and I’m enjoying it as I turn the pages.
II can see that you are a very capable author, rich in imagination and will certainly go far.
Maximum stars and very best wishes, Patty.

Kindest regards,

Neville. The Secrets of the Forest – Cosmos 501.

The Greek Maiden and the English Lord by Patty Apostolides

From the beginning this novel delights the senses with smells, visual imagery, and rich details. The dialogue is dispersed throughout the chapter and flows naturally from one character to the next. Yet it's the cliff hanger at the end of the chapter that turns the page.

Please share the story about Lily's disappearance as dialogue with reactions rather than a synopsis. Your dialogues are natural and this isn't the time to cut corners. The backstory is critical to the plot and many of the twists that come along the way. Use your gift for writing a good story, well told.


Before you send the manuscript to agents:
Consider looking at the formatting. It appears that there isn't a common indent.

There's an extra space between 'Emilian and Iakov, members of the band,'


I'm in the middle of ch. 2 and will return later to finish the story.

Hi Patty,

I really enjoyed your opening chapter. I think your descriptive writing is strong, as is your dialogue. I felt like I got to know Lilly without having to listen to a long description about her. I liked the way the chapter ended and I'm intrigued to read more. I think you write very well.

Added to my shelf.

Michael

Back to Basics

Hi Patty
I have only read the first two chapters so far. I want to read it all but I'm afraid time does not allow me this privilage. I found it an entertaing story and would love to find out what happens to Lilly when she goes to England. Highest stars from me and on my WL for now. I just wish we could shelve more than five.
All the best
Brian.

Hello Patty,
I am really enjoying reading this book. I have always loved reading books from 18 century, there is something very compelling about romance from those times and I am rather compelled to read The Greek Maiden and the English Lord'. I have read till chapter four so far and I intend to come back to read some more.
I am rating it high and putting you on the watch list for now, backing will have to wait for a few weeks.
Warm wishes
Himani
She Was

Dear Patty,
I set aside some time to read the first three chapters of 'The Greek Maiden and the English Lord' - and had to extend the time to continue reading more chapters as I am thoroughly enjoying the read; the story line is intriguing and your writing is polished. There is nothing in your style which jarred or stood out in need of editing or revising. The pace is good, the dialogue convincing, the characters well-defined and Lily is a strong MC whom the reader wants to follow. Lily does not wollow in self-pity when she finds out the truth of her heritage and she is brave as she enters a new world. The plot has depth and a range of possibilities, which keeps the reader interested.
Six stars from me today and I shall continue to read and will back too when I reshuffle my bookshelf.
Maria (Georgina's Family)

Dear Patty,

What a fascinating story! As I read, I felt like I was learning so much about a time period and culture I am not very familiar with. This is so much more than a typical coming of age story. The rich characterization of Lily, "grandmother," Count Igor, and others gives such an authentic feel to this piece. The gypsy culture was so interesting, and your imagery surrounding the Caen festival was superb. I am absolutely hooked wondering what will happen as Lily leaves and must find her new identity. The deeper themes related to women and children are powerful as well. I believe this is the type of story that will continue to stay with me long after I finish it. I hope to read more as I have time. This is a beautiful, authentic piece. High stars from me!

All the very best,
Faith Rose
Now To Him

Hi Patty,
Finally, I read up to chapter 6 of your great book. I remember reading the first chapter for the first Club Nora review a couple months ago. Since you won, I think, everyone is oblidged to read at least 5 more chapters, if I got that right.
The story develops very well. Lily is a wonderful character, the descriptions are also great, as well as the dialogue. The idea of a long-lost child returning home to civilization reminds me of several stories I've read or seen: I think of stories such as My Fair Lady, or Greystoke-the Legend of Tarzan, or The Bastard by John Jakes, or even Heidi when she leaves her grandfather in the Alps and visits Frankfurt. All these things come to my mind when reading your story.
I'm enjoying it very much and hope you can get this baby discovered and published soon.
Blessings
Kirk :-)

YARG review
Ok, so i might not be able to relate to someone in the 19th century, but i can sure as hell relate to that first paragraph, the victory is always in the book!

I read through the first chapter completely... and by the end, I feel it's a little like Elf... you know, how does Buddy not realize he's not an elf when he's over 6ft tall?
I do like this idea though, of Lily being surprised that she's not a gypsy despite her appearance... and her adventure begins now.

well written,
Jaclyn x
It Never Happened

hello Patty-
book- The Greek maiden and the English Lord-

Cover very good, hand picked to suit the story line- magic-
The pitch continues in the same vain, as it outlines so well the story to come-

And quite a very good story it is, in fact one of the better literary read on the site-
You pay so much attention to detail as was in the 1800s- making the story sound ever so real-

This a book to savour each line as one slowly turns the pages- There is plenty of reading here-
enjoyed what i have read so far and hope to come back in for more about Lily's journey-

highly recommended and it gets my six stars-

good luck with this well written book Patty-

tom bye
book- from hugs to kisses-

Really enjoyed this. It begins so well with lots of detail setting up the scene - you've used sights, smells and sound so effectively. The small things show the reader so much without being told - that Lily buys a book, that she lives in a tent; these facts build the picture of the character and her life. The end of the first chapter works well, a cliffhanger that makes the reader want to keep reading. Read the first four chapters in one go and am looking forward to reading more.

Hi Patty,

“Historical journeys”, “Historical Fiction” and “Coming of age” books have become quite popular these days. So thumbs up on that front. Your writing is natural and you create decent ambiance with your words. Some of the phrases which you have crafted show your strong word usage. Here is an example - Lily's long honey-blonde braids brushed the pages ... its beautiful.

Minor Nit-picks – Chapter 1

2. Sultana and Fifi and the... ( and repeated twice ).

3. Mirela's dark, heavy lidded eyes slid open. She gazed with interest at Lily's wide blue eyes. ( eyes repeated twice ).

Adding it to my watch list. Will return soon and read further.

Best,

N.Lalit ( LILITH )

"What a beautifully portrayed work". You have expertly created the world of Gypsies with detailed narrations and masterly set up atmosphere. The way you reveal the back story in between works well in keeping the reader intrigued.
Very High stars from me. All the best.

Liinsa Hines
Behind the Revolutions- An Untold Tale

YARG & HFRG

Hi Patty,
What a beautifully written story! I've only had chance to read the first couple of chapters so far, but will be keeping it in my WL until i have finished it (esp as I only live 20 miles from York!)

Your opening is descriptive and gives a great sense of place, I especially like how you use all the senses to introduce Lily, and your characters are evoked well, with depth and feeling.
It can be difficult to balance the language used in historical fiction - too archaic and olde worlde and you risk losing your readers; too modern and you risk annoying them - I think you have the balance right; you've found words that were more common in the past yet are still used today (eg inclement etc) well done (i've taken notes...:))
A great story - I'm looking forward to reading the rest :)
Karen
An Ill Wind

Club Nora- R-2

I read chapters 2-5. The story is coming along nicely, you have a great pace, always moving forward but never rushed.
I think there are complications coming, even though it's been a rough ride for her so far, i don't trust the cousins will want her around, and the leader of the gypsy's probably won't take kindly to Lily's leaving and i'm sure the transition from gypsy to English maid will be difficult, yet entertaining. I'm hoping some of her unusual upbringing will make her stand out in such an orderly time in Britain. These keep me reading on, and i am very much enjoying it.
All the best, Emma :)

Hi Patty,

Sorry it has taken me so long to return the read. I'm glad I've finally had a chance to look at this, though. I've only had time to read two chapters, but I'm really enjoying it.

I really don't have much to offer as far as feedback. Lily is a sweet, likeable character. It will be interesting to see how she adapts to a more rigid society after being so free. The one thing I thought a little odd was her reaction to being told about her heritage. I expected it to be a little more heated. Instead, she takes the news in her stride.

The story flows well. You do a good job of distributing the back story throughout the story so as to keep readers interested.

Really, I only have two suggestions that you may want to consider:
- Though the dialogue of the period is more formal, there were a couple places where it felt a little stiff.
- "... dropping them into her GRANDMOTHER'S outstretched palm." - I added "grandmother" because you have already used the pronoun "her" for Lily in this sentence. Without the "grandmother," it sort of makes is sound like Lily's dropping it into her own hand.

Overall, this is well written. I've starred it highly and placed it onto my watchlist. I look forward to reading more.

Lynn
Surviving Sunset

wow, what a story! It is intriguing, when she is told about she isn't a real Gypsy. Her Look throughout, distigushibly separated her from the other Gypsys.
The Dark chamber of the book storte, creates a bit of skepticalism. Oh, very impressive, when hw got the Greek hat out oh his coat, to impress her.

A good and big noble. An interesting and different story.

Hi Patty,

I've just read the first three chapters of 'The Greek Maiden and the English Lord,' and thoroughly enjoyed it. As popular fiction I am sure it will do well.

The revelation of Lily's heritage makes the plot intriguing and the story moves at a quick pace making the reader thirsting for more. As an amateur historical novelist myself I did wonder why you chose Lily to use a candle instead of a lantern for lighting, and then reading the incidence of her burning her hair I realized it was part of the plot.

Your descriptions gives the reader a sense of place and the characters are believable for popular fiction, with the good, flawless Lily as the central character, her kind rescuer, Edward, and her loving grandmother in contrast to the black figure painted of the villian, Count Igor. I liked too how you disguised Edward in servant's clothing so Lily would assume he is of low status.

Well done. I will place it on my bookshelf.

I would be very grateful if you could look at my historical novel. It's called 'A Prince unboyed,' by Carol Jefferies.

Carol

Patty,

A YARG review. This was an interesting story. I found myself growing attached to the characters. I read the first three chapters closely and offer up the following comments on what seems to be a well plotted, unique, and engaging story:

Chapter 1:
-C1, P1, I didn’t quite get a feel for “the dark chamber” of the bookseller’s store. It seemed a little overly dramatic. So I would be tempted to drop these few words unless they hold some significance to the story.
-C1, P9, I didn’t really care for the ‘fat’ in “outstretched fat palm.” It seemed a little unnecessary.
-I could find little else to comment on in terms of grammar or flow, which is great. The story is developing nicely. There is exceptional intrigue at the end when Mirela admits to Lily that she is not her real grandmother.

Chapter 2:
-Once again, I found very little to comment on. A couple thoughts come to mind. First, why would Lily ask about Mrs. Evermore? It seemed a random question considering that her mind should be racing thinking more about her own safety and running away. Second, along those lines, I would like to hear a little more about Lily’s feelings. She is very matter-of-fact, but I would expect the teenager to be a little more fearful or anxious about losing the only family she’s ever known.

Chapter 3:
-C3, P3, There is a quick transition between paragraphs 2 and 3. I expected her to be running away, but all of a sudden it seems Lily is back in camp with the horse. The transition from ‘cover of the woods’ to ‘before entering the tent’ was a little too quick.
-I like the way the stories of the gypsies and the Englishmen continue to tie together, this time with the purchase of Igor’s stallion.
-I also like that we get more emotion as Lily heads back to camp to see Mirela one last time.
-And again the stories of the two tie back together again at the end.

This was a smooth, interesting read. I am definitely curious to see where the story goes. I’ve grown pretty attached to Lily and starting to get a good feel for the English characters. I give you loads of stars, and a place on my watchlist. Hopefully I can come back and read more later.

I hope you find this review useful.
Thanks, and Best Wishes,
-Chris

Historical Fiction Group

Hi Patty, I came back to leave another comment to your story which I thoroughly enjoyed during the first read enough to buy the book on Amazon to see the ending. This was one of the more memorable reads for me on the site. I liked the themes running through your story, a mixture of Greek, English and Gypsy culture. You wove an endearing romance into an unpredictable plot.

Lily is such a likable character I wanted to succeed in the end after so many difficulties. You had some surprises in the end of the story, and up to the last words, I was interested. In fact, it was one of those stories I didn't want to end. I gave you highest stars for this!

Kara
A Gate Called Beautiful

Hi, Patty – this is your YARG/return review from AudreyB. I am often accompanied on my reviews by my English teacher alter-ego, The Grammar Hag. If I say anything you don’t like, it was probably her idea.

I keep my list of books to read in Excel. I confess, when I got to your title, I thought, “Ugh, a romance.” Of course, when I clicked to the actual book, I thought, “Yes! Historical fiction!” What’s the message? The title doesn’t do justice to what I’m reading in your pitches. No idea what would help, though.

Even though I like historical fiction, and would probably keep reading the most awkwardly written book, I enjoyed your first chapter enough to continue. I sense the relevance of Lady Charleton to your story. I know that Lily is unusual in both appearance and behavior. I found the setting to be realistically drawn, with both sights and sounds and smells, and want to know more. Onward!

“A prophetic dream that it would glow like the sun.” ? I wonder if you meant, “A prophetic dream that would glow like the sun.” ? Or did you mean that the *city* would glow like the sun??

Here’s something I’ve never said in a comment. I think the action is a wee bit quick. For example, a word or two about the difference between “English dresses” and whatever Lily is wearing would be helpful. Perhaps as Lily exits the bookstore or arrives at grandmother’s tent, she sees or senses something about change in the air. Grandmother’s explanation of English customs, while excellent, is also a bit quick.

At the end of the third chapter, I like how the threads are weaving themselves together.

The story of a gypsy outsider attempting to fit in among the nobility in England could have wide appeal among any child who feels like an “other.” I would encourage you to give us more about the appearance of grandmother and other gypsy characters so that we see the darker coloring, the colorful clothing, and whatever else sets them apart from the gadjos.

I am surprised grandmother didn’t provide Lily with the paste so that she could keep her face pale. But I do like that when she wakes her patchy complexion frightens the maid!

I think the word ‘tan’ might be wrong for the context. The whole idea of ‘tanning’ is fairly modern. I think Lily might be more concerned about her freckles or skin that’s been browned by the sun or the fact that she isn’t fair. “Tan” as a way of curing hides is a very old word, but ‘tan’ in the sense of darkened skin is a 20th century term. See http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/tan.

“There was much murmuring and raised eyebrows.” This isn’t parallel. You wouldn’t say “There was much raised eyebrows.” You would, however, say “There was much raising of eyebrows.” But that’s awkward. So maybe, “Her audience murmured and raised their eyebrows.”

How does Lily feel as she observes all the traffic in London? You provide a nice array of visuals…but we need to know how Lily responds to them. We get an idea of how Lily looks and behaves from the reactions of others. Give us more about how various people treat her. Her clothes are twenty years out of date and she looks exhausted. If we see how others treat her, we’ll have more sympathy for her. We might also learn something about her appearance and behavior.

“get a hold of” is very modern usage. In the early 1800’s a person would have said “how can I reach” or how can I contact” my father.

I read five chapters of your engrossing story, and would happily read five more. I’m sold.

~AudreyB
Forgiveness Fits

I am on page 5 and i love this book, I read it with the same anticipation I did the first! I love Lily and that Mrs Hartford received her in such a loving way. I love she was raised a gypsy, bare footed and exposed to the other side of life. This is a great read. I will be back to finish all of it but will give you high stars for now.
Blessings Roslyn
"I Am" Through the Ages, for your seeking heart
Scribe-Lings, for your child like heart.

Chapters 1-7
Great description of Caen and the gypies. I could really picture it. I also had clear picture of what Lily and her grandmother looked like. You have an exciting hook at the end of chapter One...reader just has to read on!
I enjoyed the dance scene where Lily assumes Edward is the servant.
The journey back to England was exciting and also very amusing in places (liked it when poor Lily woke with brown patches of skin showing through the white paint and when she had the coach all to herself because the other travellers thought she was very ill!)
I could feel Lily's despair when the solicitor didn't know who she was and then when she learns her mother is presumed dead and her father is overseas. Mrs Hartford was well drawn, as were Mrs Bennington and Marianne.
I liked Mrs Tippins and think she'll become Lily's ally.The rules of being a lady sounded realistic: I think you've done your research. (I felt sorry for Lily when she couldn't read the books in front of Mrs Bennington and her cousin! )The house and London sounded realistic too, so again, you've done a lot of research.
It gets more exciting when Lily finds the letter and learns about her mother's paintings. Why has her aunt hidden them away? Does she have a sinister motive (the inheritance for her brother, perhaps?) or is she just hoping Sir Frederick will forget Lily's mother? There's a mystery here! There's also the suspense of awaiting the return of Sir Frederick: will he accept Lily as his daughter or think the documents forged or stolen?
Not only has Lily to deal with all the complications of adapting to English society and learning about her family, she must also cope with young men! It seems clear she will fall for Edward (who is the nicest by far) but Edward is falling in love with Charlotte. I sense this will break Lily's heart in the near future.Also in the background is the sinister gypsy count...will he cause problems for Lily?
So you've given us humour, mystery, romance, suspense and lively characters.It's also fast paced and well researched.
Just a few suggestions:
Occasionally your sentences feel over long and a bit complicated. An example of this from the beginning of Chapter 2: "The tent seemed too small for Lily. She stood up with the urgent need to rush out into the night and breathe deeply, anything to get away from this terrible feeling she was experiencing." Nothing wrong with that, but I was wondering if you could have something a bit simpler, such as "Lily stood up, wanting to rush into the night and breathe deeply, anything to get away from the horror she felt." You may not agree...it's just personal preference in the end!
I was also wondering if you could make the more casual conversations feel more natural by introducing more of the "I've" , "you'll" and "don't" etc instead of "I have" "you will" and "do not" etc. You do that with Mrs Tippins dialogue, but not with the others. I realise you want to make many of the coversations formal, as when Mrs Bennington speaks, but I think you could let Lily sound a bit more casual when she's talking to Marianne etc.
I also feel Lily isn't quite shocked enough when her "grandmother" tells her the truth of her parentage. She doesn't believe it at first but after that she accepts everything very quickly. I thought she might question it a bit more.
Hope this helps.
Thanks for an interesting and enjoyable read.
I will star-rate your fine historical mystery and romance.
Cherry
The Girl from Ithaca

Club Nora Review Second Round (Ch 2-5)
I continue to be enraptured by this story. Lily has yet to meet Mr. Right and she no doubt has many more obstacles. I find Mrs. Hartford character very wonderful. No doubt she will help Lily "fit in" to her new English society status. The cousin as yet uncontacted will no doubt prove troublesome (perhaps she hoped for the inheritance herself?). And how will the two lovers meet and what will they think of each other? When will she get to meet her father? So much more to the story to explore! I can't wait to continue with it. I'll stop for now as other Club Nora chapters call, but I'll be back!
The story is very clearly written and intriguing. The characters come alive in the read. Very nicely done!
All the best,
Christina
Modern Adventures in Sherwood Forest

Club Nora Review Chapter Two
I love the way i am totally draw into this exotic and foreign world, being a massive pride and prejudice i think it's cool how you showcase the other side of that era and actually point out the sexual bias that exsisted. I like Mirela rushed explanations i dont know what few things i would tel someone how to be a lady. i am looking forward to reading more. Can't offer any hints or editing, Highly starred.
Abbie

It was like I was transported back to the time of carriages, spice trade voyages and cobblestone streets. Very entertaining and well written. And after time with the gypsies, she was so tanned and darkened, they almost didn't recognize her! Good job, Peter B.

Hi Patty,
I decided to read your work because you read mine. I've read five chapters, am completely drawn into Lily's journey, and find no fault in anything you have written. This writing is outstanding and I have scored it accordingly.
Thank you for posting such an engaging story.
Steven Stucky
Fly at the Horizon

Club Nora Critique:
Hi Patty,
I just finished reading the next 5 chapters of your book. This is a hard book to stop reading, I just want to know what is going to happen next. I am glad this did not take a Cinderella turn with Mrs. Bennington ans Marianne being cruel to Lily. I wish I had some valuable advice, but I think the writing is well done, the characters are well written. The story is engaging and entertaining. I can't find anything I would change.
Great job!
Mindy
The Wishing Place
Glory

YARG review:

The first chapter sets up for a good story. I think I will return to read more of this when I next have a chance.
That said, a number of sentences were awkward to read and didn't flow quite right. For example, "...her outstretched fat palm." Perhaps the word order is a little mixed up here?
To begin with, I didn't understand that it was her braid that had caught fire; I hadn't realised she had caught fire at all and thought one man had tried to kidnap her and another rescued her, but that may have just been lazy reading on my part.
Also, the term 'crush' doesn't seem to suit well in the time-set; the rest of the speech matches with the time I assume this story is set, and then 'crush' brings it back to modern-day for the briefest of seconds; I don't like it. Personal opinion, of course, but I doubt 'crush' was used in this time.
Best of luck :)

Blaze
"A Shifter's Tale"

Hello Patty,

This is a really good gypsy story. Lily is an adorable main character who seeks for her identity willingly, despite the odds. Her self-discovery was delivered beautifully through your vivid descriptions and natural dialogue. I love the interactions she had during her journey. The transformation from being a gypsy to a sophisticated lady is one to watch for.

I really think you did a great job here. Thanks very much for sharing and the best of luck.

D
LEO & ROVER: THE PURPLE MARBLE ADVENTURE

Bear in mind two things. One, I don't know much about writing. Two, I don't mean to criticize, only to help. That said, I felt that a number of your sentences sounded awkward in my head. A complex sentence is okay, but I felt that you used many dependent clauses where a single word might do better. I'm a big believer in economy of language.

For example, the first sentence seems to be a bit of a run-on. Since it's your first sentence, you want it to be as perfect as possible. Maybe something like "Lily emerged from the darkness of the bookseller's store, contentedly clutching a small book in her grubby hands."
The second sentence, as well, I think you could tighten up, maybe "Though tired, hungry, and hoarse from hawking trinkets all day..."
"She was late." how about if she speaks her fear "I mustn't be late!" she whispered to herself.
"Her eyes were closed. She was meditating." maybe "Her eyes were closed in meditation."
"It was round and dirty white, with tiny tears from constant use and had two openings..." the "and had two openings" part of this sentence seems misplaced. maybe "It was round and dirty white, with tiny tears from constant use in the front and back openings."
"She showed her the ring on her finger." maybe "She proudly displayed the ring on her finger."

A lot of the writing is very nice, with good descriptions that make one feel one is at the place described. If you don't do so already, you might try reading this out loud to yourself. When it doesn't sound right, you can probably do better.

I hope this helps.

Regards,
Kevin Clark

Patty,

Great opening chapter. Will comment when I have read more. On my watchlist.

Keith
Peppermint