Soul Stealer: Reflection

Not my cup of tea. It's decently written, but I think you need to examine more carefully some of your language. It's an interesting idea and plot. I think some of your metaphors could be better.

Hey Alexis,

I absolutely love your cover. In case you couldn’t tell by my own story, I have a thing for eyes so when I see it on a book cover I’ll immediately pick it up.

Your short summary is great, and to the point, but your long summary needs a bit of work. As I read through it, I felt as if you were answering the question “What is Soul Stealer about?”

I think you need to go back and review the opening of your long summary and really draw in the reader. Remember, this is how you will draw readers in, so make sure it’s good.

I would also consider splitting it up into paragraphs to make it easier to read instead of one long paragraph – this is actually a piece of advice I’ve been given as well.

The rest of the summary is very well done, but like I mentioned previously, I would consider fixing your opening.

Anyway, on to your first chapter…

“The picture wasn’t a jigsaw [puzzle] with a missing piece[,] it was a complete…” – add the word puzzle and insert comma instead of semi-colon.

“…it was a complete but not uncomfortable blur.” – sounds a little odd the “not uncomfortable blur” I’d consider inserting a different word instead of “uncomfortable”

“There was a smashing sound, and he witnessed a million colourless fissures[,] white and intricate like a spider’s web.” – take out the comma after “sound,” and add comma after fissures

“Then, something else happened.” – take out “then”

“Then trees were standing upright against the darkness[, and] mist embraced them.” – “and” as well as a comma need to be added.

“…but then the tips of her fingers glowed silver, and she twirled to fire off energy of the same colour as the glow.” – don’t need the last part “as the glow.” The reader knows that by saying “the same colour.” Also, I’d consider changing it to “but then a silver glow lit up the tips of her fingers, and she twirled to release energy of the same colour.” – you use the word fire in the next sentence so I’d refrain from using it a second time.

You keep saying, “Something else happened.” Don’t keep telling the reader that, show them by explaining what is happening. I would take out practically all of these. One is okay, but I’ve found three of them in the first chapter alone so far.

I like “pale, tortured, and tired looked back at him.” – good image

“Those blue eyes pierced him, matching the effect of a bullet of blue steel going through his side.” Change to “Those blue eyes pierced him, and matched the effect of a blue-steeled bullet going through his side.”

“It was a dream.” – I’d take out “was a” and insert “had been” I think it sounds better.

“This sent a dull state of surprise through him – contemplation was not a forte of Damien’s unless it involved…” – I’d take out “-“ and end the sentence with “him.” Start a new sentence with “Contemplation”

“He fell to his knees feeing the rough twigs collide with his knee caps…” – the only spelling mistake I caught. “Feeling” instead of “feeing”

I like what I’ve read so far. Your story is clearly character-driven, which is fantastic. It puts the reader right inside the head of the MC. I’d just review some of what I suggested and maybe make a few changes, but besides that I’m fascinated by your story. It’s interesting, and definitely unique.

I’m guessing the blue eye on the cover is the girl’s?

Anyway, I’ve given you high stars and hope to hear from you again.

Best of luck with this!

Christine Rees
Spark

Hi Alexis, I read chapter 4. This is an interesting idea, Iliked the pitch, but got more hooked by the story as the plot developed. It is clear you have a great imagination (or you have been there), it is certainly going to raise interest with fantasy lovers. Well done. The story flowed very well and I enjoyed reading it. I would suggest using 'Okay' rather than 'Ok', I made a similar chance to mine and it reads a lot better, apart from that it was great.

Kindest Regards and Best Wishes
Lenny Banks - Tide and Time: At The Rock.

Well, I really like what you have here.. it's very... creepy.
The storyline is just so unique!
Different planets... soul stealers.. Wow, I'm hooked.
Its like Star Trek meets EVERYTHING.

The characters are really well written, distinct mannerisms and syntax.
The descriptions are also quite exceptional.

Besides a few grammatical errors, I found it very good.

High stars

- Bree