The Deadly Caress

The Deadly Caress
Olga Segal

We read all that you posted although our intention was just to read two or three chapters. The book kept our interest and we couldn't stop reading. This has all the ingredients of a good murder mystery - a very rich woman, a spoilt step son and twins given up for adoption. You set the scene very well at the beginning and keep adding little bits to feed our interest.

Your writing style is very good as is the grammar. The narration and dialogue is good making a fast paced story.

And then you tease us with a final page turner, "someone else had been listening." Guess we'll have to wait for the book to be published to find out what happens.

This book is well thought out and one of the better books on Authonomy. Highly starred.

Yasmina & Charles Knightley
The Secret of Netley Abbey

Well, so far so good. It needs some polishing, but this is a great start. I really like the broad range in characters. It has a little Agatha Christie feel to it. I would like to read more if you post. :)

Only had time for two chapters tonight, Olga, and whilst writing down comments I found I was replicating many of Fiona's, so maybe I'll come back to this after your next edit? (let me know if/when you tackle this). Your writing is fluid, the characters intriguing, and the dialogue very natural, so giving you high stars for now - promises to be a very engaging thriller. My only suggest for now, since chap 2 has quite a bit of it, is to put all your 'thought speech' ('How did she know? How did she find out?'...'Slow down'....'Jean needs more time with her. Allow them both that'...) into italics, it makes for easier reading.

Joe Kovacs
A Marriage made in Chemical Heaven

p.s. nitpicky me, but I think it's caUldron in chap 1, para 1.

Hi Olga, I set out to read your book tonight, but got stuck on the pitch. I don't know how open you are to change, but both pitches, short and long, sound rather more like a synopsis. Could I suggest the following, it might get you more readers:

Short pitch: When a daughter sets out to find our mother's murderer, she gets more than she bargained for. And becomes a target herself.

Long pitch: Amanda Blake, a freelance photographer, discovers she has been adopted and seeks out her natural mother, Jean Campbell, in California.(rest is okay)

Hello Olga,
This is my downunder review.

This is not what I would normally read (I prefer SF and fantasy) so please feel free to ignore my comments if they don't seem right to you.

I found your writing to be straight-forward and easy to read with good pacing.
You use many clichéd phrases, but this seems to be part of your style so may be hard for you to change.

You don't have enough uploaded here to comment much on the plot. From what you have here, some aspects (the fortune to be inherited, the wills, the family in-fighting) have been done many times before, but you do have something different in the aspect of the twins who have been adopted out. That is the main point of interest in your story, I think.

You have a potentially interesting collection of characters. I didn't feel that I understood them too well, so I think there would be scope to round them out more. Even adding their gestures and facial expressions as they speak would help.

One concern I have is that you change point of view between Amanda, Jean and Brian. I wondered if it was necessary. In particular, I'm not sure you need the part from Brian's POV, and you might want to keep him as more of a mystery? It really depends what his role is in the rest of the book. If he is to be a suspect in the murder, I would suggest keeping out of his head.

I made some notes on each chapter:
Chapter 1:
this chapter gives us needed background, although you don't convey much about Amanda herself.
"why was it that this woman had to break this news" - repetition of "this"

chapter 2:
the change in POV from Jean to Amanda was unclear (at first I thought we were hearing Amanda's footsteps from Jean's point of view and that it was Jean growing apprehensive).
I found the conversation between Amanda and Jean rather long and sometimes disjointed (e.g. why did Jean suddenly start talking about Murray buying the beach house 5 years ago?).

"from the ceiling to the floor gentle cascade on coloured glass" - I couldn't picture this. Would it be better as "a gentle cascade of coloured glass from ceiling to floor" ?
"why [did] you wait this long?"
"near the beach side" - delete "side"?
"the secretive tryst her parents had made..." - "tryst" is the wrong word I think, try "deal" or "bargain".
"it was [the] only present"
Check the grammar on the sentence: "She wasn't going to tell that until she was in her early twenties and sought help because she blamed herself..."
"barefoot and pregnant" - I don't understand the "barefoot" reference, is this an Aussie phrase?
"only she had not been privy [to]"

chapter 3:
I thought that it was quite odd for Jean to gift Amanda with pearls which had been given her by Murray. But this may be just me, not a big deal.

"breath" - "breathe"
"Degar" - "Degas" ?
"she'd rather not had the nightmares" - change "had" to "have" or "have had"
"not admitting to this but she noted" - "admitting this, she noted..."
"and though he didn't" - typo "thought"
"I told the Rosa" - "I told Rosa" ?
"I'll need the loo" - "I need the loo"
"Her parents hardly spoke" - "her parents had hardly spoken"

chapter 4+
Good detail about Amanda losing a child due to Anorexia.

I wondered that there was no indication of how Jean had died and that they did not discuss it. But this was about the last part I read, so I might have missed it. I thought maybe Amanda over-reacted to the death a little, after all she had only met Jean the day before, but I suppose it does fit with her high-strung character.

I hope these comments are helpful to you.
Good luck!

Fiona Haven
Falling Upwards

Good story, well written. Backed, Marj.

Have read all 8 chapters and believe you have the makings of a good thriller here. The mix of characters is well defined, the sudden appearance of twins and the conflicted Dorian. Jean's uncertainty at meeting her daughter is clear but I wonder if the introduction of Brian is a little too quick. I would have liked to have heard a little more conversation between the two, however, I appreciate the lack of knowledge adds to the mystery.

I noticed one or two small things, "on the cream damask lounge". Lounge may be an item of furniture, I'm not sure. In the UK, it's a room. I wonder if you might rethink what you mean here.

"should have done long before this" doesn't read well - do you mean "I should have done this a long time ago"

"I'll need the loo" perhaps should be "I need the loo".

I noticed a missing speak mark but can't remember where - sorry.

Overall, I like the story and although you have introduced Dorian as a suspect with motive early on, I hope this is a ruse and as the story progresses we will find many twists and turns. Have a rethink on your pitch, you don't need to tell us what happens in chapter one. The introduction of the dream is clever and I'm interested to see where this goes. Well done. :)

Club Agatha: I was as stunned as Amanda to find out she had a twin :) Very good. I like the mix of three siblings. Should be useful for some good plot twists. And all three are very different. The mother is also someone I find intriguing. I am looking forward to seeing how it plays out. Best wishes.

Olga Segal – The Deadly Caress

Club Agatha comment:

Hi, Olga

I read your first two chapters. I think you need to rewrite both pitches – see them as a way of luring readers in … at the moment they don’t really do that. Read some blurbs on the back of books you may have read or have a look here: http://erinbradypike.com/2012/03/02/how-to-write-a-pitch-for-your-novel/

Having a good pitch really helps to bring the reader in to have a look at your story.

I did have a look though :) and I think you have a good story building here. Amanda is a strong character and you managed to make this reader care about her. I liked some of her sarcastic asides too, especially her come back to Dorian regarding her shade of eye shadow.

In chapter two I found the narrative concerning the dream, up to her joining Brian and Jean for dinner, slightly over done – sorry. A tad too many adjectives in there, if I’m honest and – ‘shivering with fear’ ‘she tore back the covers’ ‘threw off her underwear’ are all very cliché. In fact, I’d rewrite the whole paragraph beginning: ‘Now every dark corner seemed threatening …’ I felt it was vastly overwritten … but it is jmho :)

After two chapters, I do think there is great potential in this novel and with some paring back; it could become an intriguing tale.

I wish you all the best with it.
Neil

Interesting developing story. Three siblings who knew nothing of each other thrown into a mix. The son who thought he was the only one besides his stepmother between him and the money he feels he deserves, and two outcast twins with horrible pasts. Questions, resentments, hurts, mystery and the threat of violence. Good twists.

First chapter read, well written, not sure if it's me but the font seemed to change at one point.. I found the dialogue slighly pedestrian in places and a little double description, (coil and mentioning paintings twice).

You are an experienced writer so please take this with a pinch of salt but you may benefit with a stronger hook, this is my opinion but your genre is thriller horror crime yet there was no evidence of any of this in the first chapter.

Maria

Hey! Here for the Club Agatha Critique:
Here are my thoughts while reading:
- I’m not sure about the phrase ‘sucked in’. Maybe put ‘inhaled the salt-laden’ to make it make more sense?
- Maybe have the letter in italics? Purely for distinction reasons
- ‘tomorrow after noon’ the dialogue tag has a typo on it, just a question mark
- I enjoyed your descriptions. They weren’t in depth, but they were just right. I like your first chapter, it leaves me wanting to know more.
- I notice that in chapter two, some of your indenting is off; some of the new paragraphs are and some aren’t.
- I found the introduction of Guy a little sudden; he could have been mentioned a little earlier.
- I liked the dialogue, very realistic.

Overall: I found the beginning chapters very intriguing. It was an easy read, and I enjoyed the characters, though feel they could have some more characterisation in these chapters?
However, a good beginning nonetheless.

Alex

The Deadly Caress by Olga Segal
Hello, Olga
This was an easy read but I did feel it could have moved on a bit more quickly. I think that just means editing parts that seem repetitive but that is what we have to do in writing. I always start off putting down too much and then go back and cut the writing down. It makes it crisper and keeps the reader attentive. I cannot critique this story much more than that. I could picture the characters and the surroundings very clearly and I think the dialogue was fairly realistic. I can imagine this book will appeal to fans of Mills and Boon and chick-lit fans. I hope this goes well for you.
Jane Mauret
UGLY IN PARADISE

an enjoyable read, though a difficult start. i see a bit of foreshadow in the tale,
j
what every woman should know

Hi Olga; I have just finished reading your first two chapters.
I was very impressed by the pacing of your story. There is an awful lot of information imparted in the first chapter but it does not feel that way. Amanda's trip to visit Jean is nicely played. From the airport collection to mixed reaction meeting with Jean, all flowed well. For me the enthusiastic arrival of Brian into the story really added a bit of pep to the tale.
Moving to chapter two and an altogether easier chapter. Amanda's nightmare, general feelings and meeting at breakfast with Jean and Brian progress the story well. Then enter Dorian. A couple of caustic lines and Dorian immediately changes the feel of the whole story and possibly shows a bit of what's to come.
I have enjoyed what I have read so far and shall hope to read again.
Well done
RMA
The Snow Lily