How Far Does Forgiveness Go?

Hey, I read three chapters today.
You haven't held back in moving quickly forward with your story and I feel like I know so much already, but not hardly enough. So much has happened to Stephanie and now her father is ready to ruin her life further, not only blackmailing her with the tape but with God's forgiveness and I don't relish what she will have to go through before coming out the other side and what she will have to take, what she will have to lose to live through it, if she does? And as far as forgiveness goes, there is much to forgive, and it will take a strong heart to find it.

I haven't had quite enough time to connect with the characters but I'm definitely intrigued by the story and the concept.
I look forward to reading more, Emma.
Nothing's Set In Stone

I wonder will Nathan forgive his wife for her betrayal and will Stephanie forgive her father for the killing of her mother even though Stephanie pulled the trigger.
What a dramatic opening. The ultimate betrayal. A man's wife is caugh in bed with the mans father. How could you ever forgive something like that. Then again. it appears as if Stephanie will come up with a plausible explanation but will it be enough for forgiveness?

Chapter 3....He rocked her back in forth in her arms, I think should read, He rocked her back and forth in his arms.

This story is moving along very well. It is very enjoyable. Highly starred.
Alice.

Hi Lakeshia,
I read your first couple chapters and think the opening is dramatic. The bit of mystery in the plot kept my interest. I liked your descriptions of your characters. From reading your previous comments, it looks like you have cleaned up some of the editing issues. Your chapters flowed really well for me. The only thing that I noticed was Ch. 1 Evelyn’s large bodied (body) filled the passenger seat… I think you have a very interesting story, and I agree with your pastor friend that you should continue with your writing, as you have a lot of potential. Best wishes! Kara

Thanks Tod for your advice and it will not fall on deaf ears. I am making those changes. Several others have also recommended me dramatizing their emotion rather than saying it. I will be making those changes and reading your work also. Thank you again!

You have good imagery, and you've introduced conflict right off the bat, which is fantastic.
Critique-wise, your weakest point, I think, is that you over-explain, or TELL us what people think or feel. Just SHOW us and let us figure out what that suggests they think or feel. This is what will raise it to a higher level of fiction writing. So don't tell us "his emotions had gotten the best of him," just show him being emotional. If he screamed or punched, etc., that SHOWS us, which is more compelling. Another thing to watch out for is saying someone "started to" do something. If it's just the next thing he's doing, skip the "started to" part. He punched him in the face is stronger than "he started to punch him in the face" and makes more sense unless the action got somehow interrupted -- such as he started to put on his shoes but then he thought he'd better change his socks first. I hope this helps! You're off to a great start here! Best of luck.
Do you have any interest in children's literature? If so, you are most encouraged to take a gander at the Lost Wink.
Thanks!
Tod
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

You have good imagery, and you've introduced conflict right off the bat, which is fantastic.
Critique-wise, your weakest point, I think, is that you over-explain, or TELL us what people think or feel. Just SHOW us and let us figure out what that suggests they think or feel. This is what will raise it to a higher level of fiction writing. So don't tell us "his emotions had gotten the best of him," just show him being emotional. If he screamed or punched, etc., that SHOWS us, which is more compelling. Another thing to watch out for is saying someone "started to" do something. If it's just the next thing he's doing, skip the "started to" part. He punched him in the face is stronger than "he started to punch him in the face" and makes more sense unless the action got somehow interrupted -- such as he started to put on his shoes but then he thought he'd better change his socks first. I hope this helps! You're off to a great start here! Best of luck.
Do you have any interest in children's literature? If so, you are most encouraged to take a gander at the Lost Wink.
Thanks!
Tod
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

I am starting to read your book ! Its seems interesting.God bless you

I'm having great difficulty accessing your book tonight, Lakeshia (the site is ultra-slow) but I read your 2nd chapter earlier and can see where you're coming from. Chap 1 is fine, necessary even to hook the reader, but it wasn't Evelyn I was referring to in my earlier comment, it was Nathan! When you say at the end of chap 1 "his demise", that means his (Nathan's) death, doesn'it it? That why I suggested that particular line be changed - do you really want to predict Nathan's demise for your readers?

p.s. I only just found your comment on my comment in your comments box. Better, in future, you reply to comments in people's 'message' boxes, otherwise they might never see them!

I think this is one of the best reviews I've have recieved thus far. Thanks so much and I have made all the revisions you suggested. The book opens up at the middle, media res, and chapter one will be the beginning or start shall I say. Evelyn(character that is dying has a small role in the book) I am considering not telling the audience she is dying, but being that she does not have a major role in the book I thought it would be ok. She actually dies before Stephanie and William sleep together. That opening was my way of trying to capture the readers attention. Now I am leading up to how they end up in bed together. Now that I have explained this do you still recommend not sharing her expiration with readers. Do you think I should call the opening the prologue or do something to distinguish so that readers will know the book starts in the middle. I think I am confusing the readers. I felt comfortable asking you with all the helpful feedback you gave. I see you are currently ranked 4th!!!

Wow, Lakeshia, what a gripping opening - you certainly got my attention! I can't comment much tonight, but I'm sprinkling you with high stars, will return tomorrow.

A couple of editorial suggests while me eyes are still propped open:

line one: 'but now HE knew the answer.'

para 3, last line. 'How could his father have betrayed him?' OR 'He couldn't believe his father had betrayed him.'

para 4. 'Son, just calm down and let me...'

last para: a little confusing? do you really want your audience to know a major player is going to die so early? I would end this fab chapter with a less expose cliffhanger:

Nathan could not stop the tears from flowing.

'I'm waiting,' he said.

Joe Kovacs
Ginger the Buddha Cat

Wow, Lakeshia, what a gripping opening - you certainly got my attention! I can't comment much tonight, but I'm sprinkling you with high stars, will return tomorrow.

A couple of editorial suggests while me eyes are still propped open:

line one: 'but now HE knew the answer.'

para 3, last line. 'How could his father have betrayed him?' OR 'He couldn't believe his father had betrayed him.'

para 4. 'Son, just calm down and let me...'

last para: a little confusing? do you really want your audience to know a major player is going to die so early? I would end this fab chapter with a less expose cliffhanger:

Nathan could not stop the tears from flowing.

'I'm waiting,' he said.

Joe Kovacs
Ginger the Buddha Cat

Whoops, you need to keep in the biggest question of all!

Soooo, after 'Can her husband forgive his father?', you'll need 'What is the secret that haunts Stephanie, and will she ever be able to let go of her past?

The overall theme of the book etc...etc

Sorry, Lakeshia, it's been a long, long day, gonna crash now.. Zzzzzzzz

Very useful and I will revise it tonight. Makes perfect sense. Thanks again!

Hi Lakeshia, only got time for your pitch tonight (*yawn*) will read you properly tomorrow.

Re your pitch, it's great, but could do with a little tightening up. I don't think you need to sell the book so hard - could profitably lose "This book is filled with dynamic etc ...to longing for more'. After that, start a new para with 'Can Stephanie learn forgiveness from her husband? Can her husband ever forgive his father? Read on to find out.' Then a new paragraph for 'The overall theme...etc. etc'

Hope you find this useful!

J x

Hi Lakeshia, only got time for your pitch tonight (*yawn*) will read you properly tomorrow.

Re your pitch, it's great, but could do with a little tightening up. I don't think you need to sell the book so hard - could profitably lose "This book is filled with dynamic etc ...to longing for more'. After that, start a new para with 'Can Stephanie learn forgiveness from her husband? Can her husband ever forgive his father? Read on to find out.' Then a new paragraph for 'The overall theme...etc. etc'

Hope you find this useful!

J x

Thanks, I made all the changes you suggested.

You have certainly gone for a powerful opening here, and I feel that will appeal to a lareg group of readers. So I would expect to see this book rise up in the book rankings here. You pace nicely, and it doesn't feel as if you are rushing to get to your favourite parts of the plot, which is good. I think your main weakness is that you tend to simply tell us how your characters are feeling rather than dramatising it. For example in your opening scene you write,
He had never been so angry in all his life,
I feel this could be stated more dramatically by describing in a little more detail the fight between Nathan and his father. If lines like the one above could be tightened up, then this would be a very good piece of writing.
I also noticed a few typos.

But his conscious and guilt (should it read conscience and guilt?)
You’re going to killing him (you're killing him / you're going to kill him)
I expected you were cheating (I suspected you were cheating?)

And in chapter 2

She often times wished (she often wished / she often at time wished?)


hope that helps, I do believe this can become an excellent piece of work but it needs some editing.


yours,

Scott Devon.
When Both Sides Surrender.

You have certainly gone for a powerful opening here, and I feel that will appeal to a lareg group of readers. So I would expect to see this book rise up in the book rankings here. You pace nicely, and it doesn't feel as if you are rushing to get to your favourite parts of the plot, which is good. I think your main weakness is that you tend to simply tell us how your characters are feeling rather than dramatising it. For example in your opening scene you write,
He had never been so angry in all his life,
I feel this could be stated more dramatically by describing in a little more detail the fight between Nathan and his father. If lines like the one above could be tightened up, then this would be a very good piece of writing.
I also noticed a few typos.

But his conscious and guilt (should it read conscience and guilt?)
You’re going to killing him (you're killing him / you're going to kill him)
I expected you were cheating (I suspected you were cheating?)

And in chapter 2

She often times wished (she often wished / she often at time wished?)


hope that helps, I do believe this can become an excellent piece of work but it needs some editing.


yours,

Scott Devon.
When Both Sides Surrender.

You have certainly gone for a powerful opening here, and I feel that will appeal to a lareg group of readers. So I would expect to see this book rise up in the book rankings here. You pace nicely, and it doesn't feel as if you are rushing to get to your favourite parts of the plot, which is good. I think your main weakness is that you tend to simply tell us how your characters are feeling rather than dramatising it. For example in your opening scene you write,
He had never been so angry in all his life,
I feel this could be stated more dramatically by describing in a little more detail the fight between Nathan and his father. If lines like the one above could be tightened up, then this would be a very good piece of writing.
I also noticed a few typos.

But his conscious and guilt (should it read conscience and guilt?)
You’re going to killing him (you're killing him / you're going to kill him)
I expected you were cheating (I suspected you were cheating?)

And in chapter 2

She often times wished (she often wished / she often at time wished?)


hope that helps, I do believe this can become an excellent piece of work but it needs some editing.


yours,

Scott Devon.
When Both Sides Surrender.

You have certainly gone for a powerful opening here, and I feel that will appeal to a lareg group of readers. So I would expect to see this book rise up in the book rankings here. You pace nicely, and it doesn't feel as if you are rushing to get to your favourite parts of the plot, which is good. I think your main weakness is that you tend to simply tell us how your characters are feeling rather than dramatising it. For example in your opening scene you write,
He had never been so angry in all his life,
I feel this could be stated more dramatically by describing in a little more detail the fight between Nathan and his father. If lines like the one above could be tightened up, then this would be a very good piece of writing.
I also noticed a few typos.

But his conscious and guilt (should it read conscience and guilt?)
You’re going to killing him (you're killing him / you're going to kill him)
I expected you were cheating (I suspected you were cheating?)

And in chapter 2

She often times wished (she often wished / she often at time wished?)


hope that helps, I do believe this can become an excellent piece of work but it needs some editing.


yours,

Scott Devon.
When Both Sides Surrender.

You have certainly gone for a powerful opening here, and I feel that will appeal to a lareg group of readers. So I would expect to see this book rise up in the book rankings here. You pace nicely, and it doesn't feel as if you are rushing to get to your favourite parts of the plot, which is good. I think your main weakness is that you tend to simply tell us how your characters are feeling rather than dramatising it. For example in your opening scene you write,
He had never been so angry in all his life,
I feel this could be stated more dramatically by describing in a little more detail the fight between Nathan and his father. If lines like the one above could be tightened up, then this would be a very good piece of writing.
I also noticed a few typos.

But his conscious and guilt (should it read conscience and guilt?)
You’re going to killing him (you're killing him / you're going to kill him)
I expected you were cheating (I suspected you were cheating?)

And in chapter 2

She often times wished (she often wished / she often at time wished?)


hope that helps, I do believe this can become an excellent piece of work but it needs some editing.


yours,

Scott Devon.
When Both Sides Surrender.

You have certainly gone for a powerful opening here, and I feel that will appeal to a lareg group of readers. So I would expect to see this book rise up in the book rankings here. You pace nicely, and it doesn't feel as if you are rushing to get to your favourite parts of the plot, which is good. I think your main weakness is that you tend to simply tell us how your characters are feeling rather than dramatising it. For example in your opening scene you write,
He had never been so angry in all his life,
I feel this could be stated more dramatically by describing in a little more detail the fight between Nathan and his father. If lines like the one above could be tightened up, then this would be a very good piece of writing.
I also noticed a few typos.

But his conscious and guilt (should it read conscience and guilt?)
You’re going to killing him (you're killing him / you're going to kill him)
I expected you were cheating (I suspected you were cheating?)

And in chapter 2

She often times wished (she often wished / she often at time wished?)


hope that helps, I do believe this can become an excellent piece of work but it needs some editing.


yours,

Scott Devon.
When Both Sides Surrender.

I really like this story. It has everything your readers are looking for.

One thing I would say is that I found the 'jump' between chapters slightly jarring and the speech a little bit too 'simple' and repetitive.

I think that this book will do well. It is exactly what readers are craving for today. In the first chapter, wow, father with son's wife?!? That just sets the tone for the drama and tension of this book. Read through Chapter 3.

You should work on your pitch to draw readers in. Break it up into paragraphs.

Good job.

Abby

Thanks for the feedback Emma. I appreciate it. I noticed many typos. I will editing and making it clean today. I'm still reading your work and will be making comments soon.

Hello, Lakeshia, finally got round to reading your book. This is a good, intense first chapter that throws you straight into the action. You've portrayed their emotions well and the descriptions are good. I think your strong point is in dialogue; you write speech well.

I noticed a typo:

Nathans emotions had got the best of him.
Nathans need an apostrophe (Nathan's).

I think you've made a good start here. A few more thorough edits would polish it up more. The best thing to do when going through your work is to read it out loud. That way, you'll pick up more easily on things that may not sound right, etc.

Good job with this, I think it has a lot of potential. Highly starred and I'll be back to read more soon. All the best with this, well done.

Hello, Lakeshia, finally got round to reading your book. This is a good, intense first chapter that throws you straight into the action. You've portrayed their emotions well and the descriptions are good. I think your strong point is in dialogue; you write speech well.

I noticed a typo:

Nathans emotions had got the best of him.
Nathans need an apostrophe (Nathan's).

I think you've made a good start here. A few more thorough edits would polish it up more. The best thing to do when going through your work is to read it out loud. That way, you'll pick up more easily on things that may not sound right, etc.

Good job with this, I think it has a lot of potential. Highly starred and I'll be back to read more soon. All the best with this, well done.

Thanks for the feedback. Be sure to "back the book" to support it and add it to your watch list so you can be notified of the updates. Also, it would really help me out if you go to the forum for "Shameless Plugs" and "Recommend a Manuscript" and let others know about the book. Thanks again for your support and I'm glad you enjoyed reading the book. I truly have enjoyed writing it.

I love it!!! Great book!!!!

I love it!!! Great book!!!!

Thanks for your opinion.

The first chapter is much too melodramatic for my tastes.

The first chapter is much too melodramatic for my tastes.

I am on it. Sorry for the delay. I wen back and been proofed the book. I found majority of the errors and I will be updating a clean copy soon. You will hear more from Steven inside prison about his hopes once he's a free man. Plus Evelyn's health begins to decline more. You should add it to your watch list so that you are notified when ther are updates. Please back the book to support it and don't forget to rank it. I really appreciate your support, more than you know.

can you hurry up & finish...i keep coming back waiting for chapter 6 !! this is a very easy read...there were a few small things that should be looked over again [[capital letters for proper nouns, like brand names]] you're getting there though !

can you hurry up & finish...i keep coming back waiting for chapter 6 !! this is a very easy read...there were a few small things that should be looked over again [[capital letters for proper nouns, like brand names]] you're getting there though !

Thanks for your feedback. Please add it to your bookshelf and back the book to help support it.

I love it---Awesome job---You are so intelligent!!! I can visually see these characters---Great job--I cant express how good the book is...

I love it---Awesome job---You are so intelligent!!! I can visually see these characters---Great job--I cant express how good the book is...

"Very well written. It's a real page turner."

Thanks so much Brandi! Please rate the book and back it too.

I love the attention to detail. Way to Go !

I love the attention to detail. Way to Go !

I love the attention to detail. Way to Go !

Very informative feedback and I will make all the changes you recommended. In addition to the errors you saw I found some more. I'm going to clean it up tonight and add another chapter. I will break up the book into smaller sections. I don't want to overwhelm the readers either. Thanks for taking the time to read it and give me a review. I don't resemblance any of the characters and I didn't write about myself. I mean I have a few of their qualities, but it's all fiction. Thank you again and I am going to go back and read some more of your book. I wish there was more hours in the day sometimes.

Wow! Now that’s the way to start a story! Lakeshia, you certainly give new meaning to it’s a family…affair, in a fatalistic way. It’s always a good thing to thrust readers into a high conflict and dramatic scenario to immediately pull them in. “Caught in the Act” delivers. (Spoiler alert!) You captured Nathan’s rage towards his unfaithful wife, Stephanie, very well.

A few suggestions”
In chapter one, “Stop…you’re going to killing him, Stephanie felt.” Try [kill] instead.

Also break up the long sections into manageable paragraphs. Four of five sentences to a paragraph gives it flow. And it would look more like a novel than one large massive paragraph.

Also, “as got nearer she could smell burning flesh.” As [she] got near she could smell burning flesh.

Since you’re new and want more readers add more friends and send out messages to invite book swaps. Also introduce yourself in the forum, (Shameless plugs). Use a very eye catching thread.

"Forgive infidelity…would YOU?" Or, "God forgives. I get even." You get the idea. Just cut and paste your pitch and long pitch along with a link to your page. You’d be surprise how many views and curious readers will click on your link and find your gem of a story. I’m going to recommend to my friends.

Last but not least. How close are you to Stephanie’s description? She seems very attractive.
CD
CLEVELAND STRANGLER: The Untold Cover Up

Wow! Now that’s the way to start a story! Lakeshia, you certainly give new meaning to it’s a family…affair, in a fatalistic way. It’s always a good thing to thrust readers into a high conflict and dramatic scenario to immediately pull them in. “Caught in the Act” delivers. (Spoiler alert!) You captured Nathan’s rage towards his unfaithful wife, Stephanie, very well.

A few suggestions”
In chapter one, “Stop…you’re going to killing him, Stephanie felt.” Try [kill] instead.

Also break up the long sections into manageable paragraphs. Four of five sentences to a paragraph gives it flow. And it would look more like a novel than one large massive paragraph.

Also, “as got nearer she could smell burning flesh.” As [she] got near she could smell burning flesh.

Since you’re new and want more readers add more friends and send out messages to invite book swaps. Also introduce yourself in the forum, (Shameless plugs). Use a very eye catching thread.

"Forgive infidelity…would YOU?" Or, "God forgives. I get even." You get the idea. Just cut and paste your pitch and long pitch along with a link to your page. You’d be surprise how many views and curious readers will click on your link and find your gem of a story. I’m going to recommend to my friends.

Last but not least. How close are you to Stephanie’s description? She seems very attractive.
CD
CLEVELAND STRANGLER: The Untold Cover Up

I must say that this is a very good read. The book is well written and very detailed. I can relate to the characters. There was a nice flow to the book. It was very interesting and always something happening. It's a real page turner. There was a balance between dialouge and narration. I can't wait until more is added! I saw a few typos, but that can easily be fixed.

Keep up the good work