Spammer

I've now switched off HC's very helpful review because after many months of it being public (26/09/08) I feel I've addressed the suggestions for improvement to the best of my ability. Just a pity it means switching off their compliments too :o)

I enjoyed this all over again – the pace, the tension, the arrival of alien and scary elements into a normal life, changing everything. For anyone who’s missed Spammer, it’s about a woman and her nineteen-year-old daughter who unwittingly antagonize an unforgiving Russian crime lord, who will kill them, and not in a nice way. Sacha and Vadim, who work for him, help the women and attempt to bring their former boss down.

Sacha is a formidable, dangerous hero. He puts on spectacles while on the run; ‘Plain glass,’ he said. ‘My employer knows I would never choose glasses as a disguise. A careful man should ensure his behaviour is predictable, until he needs it to be otherwise.’ He is also tiresomely better at selecting clothes for Judy than she is herself. Judy is our window on this threatening, violent world; I’ve only read the six chapters currently posted, but I think she will turn out to be a force to be reckoned with.

Do read this if you haven’t – it’s so good, I can’t believe it hasn’t been snapped up yet by a publisher.

After reading the entire manuscript, I can only say this story surpassed all expectations. Not only was it tightly woven and fast paced, it had an emotional depth to it that isn’t often found in this genre. Intertwined with all the thrills, we had the intense yet subtle dynamics of the developing relationships between the four main characters. I don’t want to give anything away here, so I’ll keep this brief and just say I didn’t see the twist coming, though it certainly explained a lot! In some ways it reminded me of Sandra Brown, in others James Patterson. Compulsive reading.

Oh no! Sylvia, you are kidding? You can't leave it there. I need to know what happens to them now.

I loved the multi-genre approach. The combination of thriller and thankfully non-flowery romance/seduction really works well. I felt genuine involvement with your characters. Brilliant plot development. It goes off in completely unexpected directions but it does it for me.

re the Russian setting - It is totally realistic. Have you been to these places or just done masses of research?

Hey got a fan which is me well done writing this

Hi, Sylvia!

Here are my thoughts/comments/suggestions on the rest of what is here:

Chapter 7
- Great first sentence here, with death metal and smoking! :)
- Draniki! I love draniki! Yum!
- Now they sat at the computer desk in the living room … Russian 'champagne' [not sure why “champagne” is in quotes here];
- Nicole stared wide-eyed at Vadim. "Sacha knows the details of his boss' bank accounts?" [boss’s];
- "Yes," Sacha agreed. "Mine has the prices. Yours is the lady's menu." [frankly speaking, I haven’t heard of ladies’ menus, we don’t have such a thing in Belarus, maybe because it might be considered sexist; not sure about Russia; google gave links to Paris and Boston restaurants having such menus though];
- He'd no scruples about using customers' computers … Having exploited them for spamming, and then used their bank accounts to steal Alexi's fortune, those customers were about to serve a final purpose. [that’s probably an ambiguous sentence as it’s not “those customers” who exploited [themselves] for spamming and stole Alexi’s fortune, but Vadim and Sasha; consider: “Though he and Sasha had exploited them for spamming, and then used their bank accounts to steal Alexi’s fortune, those customers were about to serve another – final – purpose.”];
- Compelled by the intimacy, her fingers touched his chest, exploring the unfamiliar textures of skin and hair. [possibly, another ambiguous sentence; consider “Compelled by the intimacy, she explored the unfamiliar textures of skin and hair on his chest with her fingers. – not sure here if ‘hair’ refers to his chest though];
- "Are those really real people?" Nicole asked, observing through Zdarth's eyes [I’m not that good at WoW, but you used “Zdrath” previously];
- There were more than a few frustrations to burn off. – I love this line!
- I really enjoyed the romanticism in this chapter – with both Sasha/Judy and Nicole/Vadim. One of my most favourite chapters in the book so far.


Chapter 8
- They paused on the return journey to admire the blue domes … She'd be gathering memories to tell to Nicole [not sure about ‘to’ after ‘tell’];
- "No, just very, very bad." … sixteen to twenty hours driving [hours’].

This was very intense! With Alexi abducting Vadim and Nicole, I can only imagine what Judy feels.

I really look forward to reading the continuation (if that’s possible of course).

A terrific book! I'd surely buy Spammer if I bumped into it in a bookstore.

Ivan

I'm glad to have some time to read and review a few more chapters of Spammer. Here are my thoughts/suggestions on Chapters 4-6:

Chapter 4
- I like Judy’s silent reference to the abductors as ‘Greasy’ and 'Black Moustache'
- “Dimitri” – I googled it and I’ll let it go, but I prefer “Dmitri” – maybe “Dimitri” is just easier to read for English native speakers;
- "Why didn't you shoot me too? [I’ve always had trouble with such sentences – it’s a question and you have “didn’t” – should you use “too” or “either” here?]
- Great last sentence here! Well done! I like where this is going!

Chapter 5
- Then she sank into the seat and watched the landscape flow past … pale gray [grey (BrE)];
- I like the Russian language lesson Sasha gives Judy :)
- "Good." he said. [“Good,” he said.];
- "Blini," Sacha said. [here everything is correct; then … Judy picked up a cheese blini and nibbled it [‘blini’ is the plural form; ‘blin’ is singular – but if you put it ‘blin’ this might confuse the reader; maybe use ‘pancake’ then? Not sure].

Chapter 6
- I love the description of the river here;
- When they entered the kremlin, Judy marvelled at the alien architecture of the buildings inside [maybe “building’s inside” or “building inside”];
- "Twelve thousand, one hundred and seventy four what?" – I laughed here a lot! Our prices might give foreigners a heart attack, but when the conversion is made, our prices turn out to be very low. Another thought here: I think in 2006 we didn’t have 74 anymore; I mean it should be rounded to 70 or 80. We gave up on 1 and 5 roubles with the insane inflation rates we had and still have;
- "First rule: When you pick up a gun - in this case it's a Makarov PM [Wikipedia says it’s “the Makarov pistol” or “the PM (Pistolet Makarova)”];
- Pistol training was also great! I really enjoyed reading about it;
- Having analysed the situation, she understood her inappropriate reaction, and would keep the lid firmly on that cauldron in future. [suggestion: Having analysed the situation, she understood her inappropriate reaction, and promised (to) herself she would keep the lid firmly on that cauldron in future. – maybe it’ll sound smoother this way].
- This is a terrific chapter, Sylvia! Well done! I look forward to reading Chapters 7 and 8!

Ivan

I wanted to get to this book a long time ago (partly because I'm Belarusian), and after reading Chapters 1-3 I wish I'd got to Spammer much earlier. This is a terrific book! I'm intrigued a great deal! You have very precise allusions to Belarus, and I kept wondering while reading the beginning if you've visited our country or not. Here are a few thoughts I put down - maybe they'll be useful to you in some way.

Chapter 1

“Skoriny Avenue” should be either “Skaryna Avenue” (Belarusian version) or “Skorina Avenue” (Russian version) – the one you have is a bit incorrect because the surname is used in the Possessive Case there;

Nicole tsked [asked]

The boss with a Rolex would be too optimistic for Belarus I might say. Even bosses have simple watch, well, definitely cheaper than Rolex unless it’s fake;

“Sacha” should be “Sasha” in all the cases;

Vadim the programmer listening to Necrophagia! This is a brilliant character! He’s easy to relate to. Excellent!

First sentence of Chapter 2 is great! I love reading this more and more!
Comparing Minsk to babushka was a bit unexpected to me, I should say, but that's your choice.
I wonder if you’ve ever visited Belarus. You depict our people’s mental state too truthfully.
Despite the fact that I hate Belarusian beer, I must say I enjoyed when you used the trademarks in this chapter. Suggestion: you should put it “Alivaria”, not “Alevaria”. You may google it.
I’m not sure what Cyrillic letter you mean by the one masquerading like ‘h’ – maybe “п” or “ч” – a bit intrigued here;

Chapter 3 is stunning.
“She bake nice cake …” this speech is a bit unnatural to me because Vadim says this to Andrei and it’ll be natural for him to speak Russian here; maybe you could just show him eating the caking and then pointing to Nicole’s photo;

Following a lazy Sunday in his apartment … Vadim’s nerves [this is an ambiguous sentence here; you need to rephrase it];

- I’m so glad they let Judy go. Great chapter. My favourite so far.
I think Alexi should be Alexei or Alexey.

I look forward to reading more of this book.

Ivan
The Beholder

good intellegent writing for this book...well paced narrative and fitting dialogue completes your book...
this is on my watchlist...
read SEASONS...

Hi Sylvia,

I really like this. But I'm angry - have you been spying on me and my daughter? That's how well you've captured a close yet complicated relationship between a single mom and her child (mine's 22). It's very real. And your premise is totally original. who doesn't hate spam? (I actually don't mind getting it here, and I'll confess to sending a bit on authonomy.) But in the rest of my life, aaargh. So you've tapped into something universal. And you tell this really well - the writing is just stellar. I'm giving you a rare six stars. Well done!
Andi Brown
animal Cracker

I see how you earned your medal. Loved the first two chapters, especially the masterful description of Minsk. Such a fascinating premise. Good writing, of course. I'd buy this book. Best wishes.
John B Campbell (Walk to Paradise Garden)

Hi Sylvia!
You idea is fantastic and pitch is great. Timely and relevant! :-)

I really enjoyed your story. Finally a computer story where the computer isn't as inaccessible as it is in real life!

Am coming back to read more.

Thanks for sharing!

This is a very up-to-date story: the problem of internet blogging. (I didn't realize this had a gold star until I scrolled down to leave a comment and that you probably don't want any more comments but I did read this, so I'm leaving one anyway). You have a good main character in Judy; she's likable and sympathetic because she gets caught up in this scam so innocently. Your villains are a good contrast to her. I was happy that you didn't make her a teenager (there are so many books of teenagers on this site), yet at the same time I hope some teenagers read this to help them appreciate the dangers internet contacts can bring. I'll add this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

A Brilliant concept!

Sylvia,

Spammer - because you outline Judy's daily life and the nature of her relationship with her daughter so well, I identify, which is what I'm looking for in a story, somone to accompany on an adventure. Judy's latest wedding cake - it took me a while to realise it's her business, her website.
Brilliant premise - the virtual sphere is psychologically more real than the real world, in cases.. There's only one or two other books on this site (I'll try to re-find then) that manage ot convey the complexity, tension and investment happening in the electronic world.
I'd buy your book, because the phenomena holds great interest for me. Best Wishes, Pia (Course of Mirrors)

Brilliant!

This is VERY clever. It echoes reality so much and the criminals are REAL This is one that should be on the shelves already. I've taken it to read entirely and wait for some more.

Sylvia, your first chapter was pretty impressive. You deserved to reach the top. I'll back this book out of respect.

Regards,

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

What a pitch! So contemporary and identifiable. The writing is so assured. Grown up, with a voice that surely should be published? A great premise with wonderfully strong characters. It's multiple POV as well, which I LIKE, despite all the writing classes people complaining that you shouldn't do it. This is a masterclass in thriller writing and i wish you well with it.

As Paul Simon said, 'Who am I to blow against the wind, I know what I know,'

And this reader knows a damn good book when he reads one. Surely this must hit the bookshelves soon, and when it does, I'll buy it.

Bob (Auctoratus)

Full comments to come tomorrow night.

Bob (Auctoratus)

This book rolled up on the homepage, and I liked the pitch, so I thought I'd come over. It was only after I read three chapters that I noticed the star. Rightly deserved. Judy is a keeper. Dialogue is good. I hope you are doing well with your efforts and that you find success with this one. You should.

I enjoyed this all over again – the pace, the tension, the arrival of alien and scary elements into a normal life, changing everything. For anyone who’s missed Spammer, it’s about a woman and her nineteen-year-old daughter who unwittingly antagonize an unforgiving Russian crime lord, who will kill them, and not in a nice way. Sacha and Vadim, who work for him, help the women and attempt to bring their former boss down.

Sacha is a formidable, dangerous hero. He puts on spectacles while on the run; ‘Plain glass,’ he said. ‘My employer knows I would never choose glasses as a disguise. A careful man should ensure his behaviour is predictable, until he needs it to be otherwise.’ He is also tiresomely better at selecting clothes for Judy than she is herself. Judy is our window on this threatening, violent world; I’ve only read the six chapters currently posted, but I think she will turn out to be a force to be reckoned with.

Do read this if you haven’t – it’s so good, I can’t believe it hasn’t been snapped up yet by a publisher.

sylvia, i've come over here to see how it's done! obviously this writing is extremely highly polished and the real flowing talent still shows through. the relationships, the dialogue and the descriptions all seem to me to forward to narrative (as we are told they should).

i'd be interested to know how you've tried to get this published and what response you've had. you probably know all about this but i went to the winchester writers' conference last weekend and was really amazed how much i learned about how to submit my work, to whom etc etc.

i'm going to make a file of What I Learned at the Conference, if you'd like a copy let me know.

meanwhile, i can see why this got all those votes. it's really good and, to my eye anyway, original. a spin on my shelf is the least i can do.
xx
maitreyi
BLOGSPOT

Hi Sylvia. I know you already have your gold star and review. I came to this too late to read HCs comments, but just wanted to add my voice to those who think this is very good. It hooked me immediately and kept my attention and its an interesting subject. I will give it a turn on my shelf.

Riva

Well written with a great pace that drives the narrative forward. And a great subject - who wouldn't like to put the barrel of a gun against the forehead of the low lifes responsible for the scourge of Spam? A great story developing that I want to read.

Hi Sylvia,
You write very well and I see why you got the gold star,
The menace you create by the end of Ch2 frightened me. It's nice to see a high tech thriller that actually understands high tech. I can only hope a book deal is in the offing.
John

I've now switched off HC's very helpful review because after many months of it being public (26/09/08) I feel I've addressed the suggestions for improvement to the best of my ability. Just a pity it means switching off their compliments too :o)

You’re probably never going to read this. I see your last comment was 41 days ago; then we have to go back 64 days. But I really liked it. I only read chapter 1, but I could see you have a very original premise and the story is very well told; idealistic Judy inadvertently letting herself in for what happens to her in the prologue. I thought the switch between POVs was very effective: light-dark-light-dark. If this appears in the bookshops, I think lots of people will buy it because it concerns a subject that most people feel strongly about. And then I think people will go and watch it when it appears in the cinema.

Anyway, it is books like this that really reaffirm your faith in Authonomy. Somehow, no-one knows how, the good stuff really does rise to the top.

As an IT guyy myself I liked the background premise. I thought it jumped about a lot at the beginning but hey, I have the same issue in my own book so that would be pot calling kettle :-)

Spammer - Sylvia. Just read last chapter. Dialog and setting believable. Suggest you delete "There are worse things than shooting oneself." - it sounds a little inane. Suggest some kind of verbal code exchange for airport meeting since they never met each other before - either or both could be substituted by a bad guy. Shooting practice accurate, but I'd expect Sacha's response to be a little edgier when she points gun at him.

Thanks for your help! You may recognize parts of the prologue.
Gideon
The Oil Market Czar

This is a great story - I am riveted! I just added it to my shelf! Thanks for the entertainment. I am new to the site and thinking I may never have to buy a book again. :) Please take a look at The Cheech Room, I would appreciate your honest opinion. liz

Spammer - Sylvia. Read chapter 5. Good job - more believable dialog; more character development. Very little to suggest. Perhaps Sacha seems to be ordering her around everywhere - wondering when Judy starts to reassert herself and push back a little. I'll keep reading.

Thanks for the good suggestions for opening of my book - I printed and will consider on next rewrite.

Gideon
The Oil Market Czar

Hi Sylvia,

I read your first three chapters. Wow!

You've written a superb suspense. You started with a gripping opening and built from there.

Your characterizations are brilliant. You've used your narrative voice to reveal each of the MCs' motivations and feelings and thoughts. I feel like I know these people.

Your descriptions are great. For example, 'The chugging, chaotic agony of the death metal group, Hacride, bled from the speakers' or the description of Minsk at the begining of Chapter Two.

Your dialogue is snappy and entertaining and drives your story forward. You've done a masterful job of giving each character their own distinctive voice in dialogue.

Your pacing is excellent. My attention never wandered from your story during my read.

Some suggested edits.

He shouldered past Vadim, towards the computer. 'Towards' should be 'toward.' Same thing with 'The exchange went backwards and forwards . . .' 'Backwards' should be 'backward,' etc.

Consider reducing the number of exclamation marks somewhat. Overuse diminishes their effectiveness.

Sometimes you separate three ellipsis dots from the text with a space (like we do in the US) and some times you don't. I don't know the UK convention, but whatever it is you should be consistent.

These were minor lapses and didn't interfer with my enjoyment of your fabulous story.

You've got a 'star' so you don't need my backing, but I would surely back your book if it would help in anyway. So I've put your book on my rotating shelf in the hope that it will appear in the news feed of those who haven't had a chance to read and enjoy it.

Have a fine day.

Al

PS: Might I ask you to have a look at SAVANNAH PASSION?

Spammer - Sylvia.

Just read chapt 4. Again good plot development - another problem for the "good guys." Sacha's character development w/ layers of complexity is good. A couple of suggestions? Perhaps 2nd sentence should read "His knowledge" - its tighter and flows faster. Maybe use Nicole's full name or "the daughter" - 1st names imply emotional attachment which hasn't developed yet unless we have love at first sight.

Regards,
Gideon
The Oil Market Czar

Just finished chapt. 3. The plot thickens! Good pacing. I'll keep reading. Just a couple of thoughts about the dialog between the mother & Sacha. After using the "f" word why would he ask her to "please" forget them? Also maybe consider putting the "trust question" upfront in the Nicole/Vadim dialog - I think I'd ignore a phone call from someone I didn't know and might be tempted to call the police immediately without it.

Regards,
Gideon
"The OIl Market Czar"

I just read chapt. 1-2. It's an interesting story line- modern day Don Q. tilting at spammers. I'm curious if you considered it from that angle? Good opening - grabs reader. I'm wondering if the mother/daughter relationship needs to be fleshed out more in the second chapter (perhaps a section going back in time?). It reads a little sterile to me. The dialog might also need tweaking to be more realistic. I'll keep reading.

Gideon
"The Oil Market Czar"

Intrigued, so I''m watchlisting it, if you don't mind.

Cheers, Trev'

I really feel for Judy - I understand her frustrations with spam - and I like her - from references to songs I know (hey, that's that Red Hot Chilli Peppers' song) to eating Indian food. I do get a good sense of her - and you start extremely well. With all good books, you need to start with something that is going to hook the reader - and you do - is she going to die? And with the Russian's you do an excellent job of making them scary - they could pull the trigger - even if Sacha doesn't kill Vadim over his error, you feel he could. The mystery makes me want to read more.

This reminds me of The Killing Joke - a story where a man tries to hunt down the orgins of a joke and runs into a government plot - the main difference is tone - that one is comic, yours is more of a thriller. Yours might actually be better, but Horowitz is famous for his young adult books and of course he will get published. This is a huge compliment because I liked that book a lot. This is worthy of shelf space - do you want it? Because I can rearrange my shelf to fit you in - no problem at all.

The only problem I see is the Russian mafia. Yes, you want us to fear them and you do a great job of it and I think it makes for an interesting read, but it makes for a clear black / white or good / bad characters. A lot of Ken Follet books are like that, so I don't deny that it isn't fine the way it is. But the books I love the most are the ones where I feel for the bad characters too - or at least respect them. I'm thinking of the Sopranos. God, they do some horrible things, but they are people with family issues, they tell jokes, i.e., they are human. I'd like to see your Russians tell jokes, worry about their families, followed by brutality. But that's just me.

Any way, I am glad I read this. It is excellent and something I would buy if it gets published.

Sylvia,

You may have the next big blockbuster movie here: this has got to be one book everyone who has ever logged on can sympothize with and a fear lurking in the back of each of our minds.

Excellent!

Best of luck,
Lynn

I like thrillers and read them a lot. The extract I've read of your book is brilliant. I love the intercuts between the different places, the set-up - then the focus on the mother and daughter. I like how you introduce emotional stuff there - important - and I think you do it well.

I note the HC review had some quibbles about the realtionship/conversation so maybe I'll focus on that - I assume you've already been tweaking but just to see..

Well, in the first two mother daughter scenes I don't feel they're unbelievable or inconsistent at all. the only niggle I'd have is very minor - during their conversations you give a lot of incidental info - tucking back the hair, last bit of pizza, convoluted drama of swallowing, pulling on her coat while Judy rinsed, etc - and i reckon you could do with less. It'd be faster. But that may be just me of course.

The gun game is good.

Next mother-daughter scene. "Judy grinned." I think on the previous scene one of them grinned. Again, personal preference for "said". We already know they get on damned well.

"Glowing at her daughter's praise" - I like it, don't know why, maybe cos I've got a daughter, but it's a nice touch.

"Judy held up her hands in surrender" - but that I didn't like. You'd get exactly the same sense quicker without that interjection.

OK, read to the bottom of Ch 1 and got to go.

I hope yu don't mind my niggles - I always like getting them so I give them - I think even stellar MS's can be improved. If Patterson and King has MS's on here I'd be offering them advice! Deluded? Probably..

You've already been ED'd so I suppose being backed means nada to you - but if you'd like it anyway drop me a line and I will, as, if you hadn't already gone stellar, I'd certainly place you there! I like your book a lot. I shall return to read Ch 2 soon.

Best,

Freddie

Loved the synopsis of this. I've just read chapter one and I'll be back for more. I really like the sound of this.

Loved the synopsis of this. I've just read chapter one and I'll be back for more. I really like the sound of this.

Best opening I've read for a while. So taut - wow!

Great idea, well executed.

I probably would have bought this on the strength of the opening.

In a world filled with distractions, it is so rare to find a book that keeps your eyes on the page...especially when the page is on the computer screen. You nail that.

Sylvia
Thank you so much for comments and support for The Jin Deception. I like what you've written. The style is easy to read and flows nicely. I also found the Belarusians a convincing pair. On the one hand the quick switches from Cambridge to Belarus made it pacy, I thought each of these sections could be developed. Most commercial authors (I guess) would make complete chapters out of these sections. I'd prefer something in between.
Here are some little things I noted:
* Should the cigarettes at the end of chap 1 be something stronger than Malboros - assuming its the pair who are with the vic in the prologue.
* Question mark after "...bring her so far(?)"
* I'd split the sentence that goes: "Something snapped in her ears (.) The man convulsed.
* Why would Judy click on the spams? Its not as though they'd interest her. How about promoting the section where Nicole explains about tracing? Then they would want to know who was bombarding them so they could stop it.
This is very very good and I'm sure it'll be on Waterstones bookshelves soon!
Best wishes
Murray
The Jin Deception

Hi Sylvia, I know I am a bit late for commenting as Spammer has already risen to the giddy heights of the editorial desk, but I just wanted to say that I liked the switching pov, it builds tension and the clash of worlds thing going on, an ordinary life and against a chaotic and violent one...and how they are both so close to each other through the click of a mouse...

I like the descriptions of Minsk, you must have been there, a city built for giants...I will come back and read more soon... It really is a page turner...wondering what happens to a book after it has been fated on the Editor's Desk, have you kept trying to get it published, did you make the suggested amendments Harper Collins recommended. Best of luck, you have a lot of talent and have made an exciting, interesting read - I wonder with a bit of further tweaking you could change the target audience to young adult...this might link with the whole safety on-line thing and that sense of danger from being on-line...young people would certainly engage with the theme and it would say something to them about a key aspect of many of their lives and how chaos can reach out of a computer screen and suck them into its thrall - thank you for the opportunity and wish you the best of luck with it in future - Andrew

This is a great idea for a book. Your chapters are short and to the point. Helps to move the book along. Dialogue is easy to follow. Second sentence I'd break up..."...hem ripped." I'd say her "hem was ripped" or "torn" or "shredded." I don't know that scratches can mar a leg. How deep are they? I'd come up with something else.

Really enjoyed the first few chapters. The idea is really superior. Very workable!

Thomas E. Mahon
"The First Daughter"

I'm loving what I've read so far (up to chapter 6) The plot is excellent and the characters all well portrayed. I'm even beginning to warm towards Sacha - I guess I'm meant to!
The beginning passages are brilliant at hooking a reader in.
I love the fast pace and the dialogue is excellent in moving the story forwards. I usually have a hard time reading flashbacks but not in this case. I like the way you use short sentences and don't over-egg the narrative.
If I have to nit-pick, it would be I found it a bit hard to believe that Sacha and Vadim should take the trouble to fly to the UK , seek Judith out and do nothing but scare her...scared me too, I have to say! Wouldn't they have people over here they could call on? Having said that, it is only a nit-pick and it didn't spoil the story.
It would make an excellent TV drama.
Wishing you great success with it,
Sue

Hi, i've been seeing this book around for some time, with its excellent cover, title, and pitch (rare combination of all three!).

I took a few notes as i read, entirely subjective, of course:

'swarms of insects hummed inside...' The next line dealing with what is outside her tripped me up a bit. You expect the insects to be around her, but they're not. You double read the word inside to grasp that, and move to the next sentence – which is outside her...
'backward until she stumbled' – this is entirely personal opinion, but i did wonder if it would flow more smoothly at this crucial juncture if constructed without the 'until'.
Monitors – this is CCTV, right?
Hmm, i was thinking Vadim, jerk as he seems to be, could be in over his neck with Sacha. But then Sacha threw me with that remarkably practical suggestion at the end of the chapter!

I've only read the first chapter but i really enjoyed it. I agree with M. M. Bennets that giving the bad guys personality is very effective. Have you read 'Munro's Choice' by Margaret Skea? She even gives the bullet fodder characters, which is extremely effective!

I think you're possibly in danger of making the Russian spammers more intriguing than your MC, though it's rather hard to say so early in the book. I did read the HC crit but i assume you've worked on it since then – i didn't notice any inconsistency with Judith's computer knowledge, for example.

Overall i don't think i'm quite a big enough crime/thriller fan to read on, but i will show my appreciation for your book by backing, though i'm aware you've already been to the promised land! Good luck with agents and publishers, anyway.

Hi Just stumbled into this - great premise - everybody hates spam - so we're on your side from minute 1.
Also like idea that it is an 'older lady' that is fighting the spammer, not a young technological whizz kid.
Overall i think ch1 is an effective hook.
As for glitches - I found myself just reading and forgot to take any notes. Has to be a good sign. Its kind of late now, but on my watchlist,

Margaret

Sylvia,

I decided to have another look at this, and read all six chapters in one go. Previously I only read three chapters, I think.
I think this gets better by the chapter. I feel you've done a lot of good cutting. I know that one of my comments was that I had a problem with characterisation of the relationship between mother and daughter. I think you've cut quite a lot of the extraneous character stuff and I feel you've ended up with a more believable relationship. Meanwhile, it's also clear that the focus is the action, the threats, and this is not a Deep Relationship Novel.
I would say - well done. Put the rest up and I'll read it.
I especially loved the parallel relationships between Judy and her older Russian and Nicole and her younger Russian. I adore Sacha! I know he's a crim, but he's hot! This is cool and full of sexual tension. I want to read the rest!
Anyway, just one suggestion. I think you need to fix up your beginning paragraphs a bit. The second sentence has some grammatical oddities and alogether the first few paragraphs don't flow very well. Edit and read it aloud, and edit, and read it aloud again until it sounds right. It's chicken feed, but quite important because it's the first impresson agents get of the book.

Hello Sylvia,

Back again …. I was rereading this and in chapter three, something jarred me. You used to describe Sacha ‘ …. he intoned in a voice deeply Soviet.’ May I suggest (only a suggestion, ignore if you want) ‘ … he growled in a deeply Russian accent.’ ? My reasoning is that Soviet refers to the political system, Russian to the voice. See what you think. I hope we’ll see more of this; I am itching to find out what happens to them all.

Hi Sylvia,

Opening scenes are critical to a book's success. Your first scene tells an editor what level of writing skill you possess. Your first scene is what many potential book buyers read in order to decide if they will buy your book.

In your case, the killing of the two Russians with Judy watching is vivid and compelling. The story pacing after the opening scene seems some what slow to me. I think you may have a little too much tech talk, and that's what might be slowing the pacing.

In the first scene with Nicole and Judy, Judy seems a shade whinny. Though in subsequent scenes she seems more substantial.

You have an excellent premise, but could enhance your story by making sure there is tension on every page. It's hard to do, but that's what makes a thriller a page turner.

Al