Beyond Inquisition

Beyond inquisition
Hi Ronald

Your long and short pitch does not do this thriller justice. A pitch should sell the book not be an over view. Your characters are powerfully written and moving in dangerous situations yet I get none of this from the pitch until the third paragraph ...
Ch4 I don't like boxing, but somehow your characters kept me reading...
Ch6/5 needs some one's point of view as it's as dry as unused tea bags. You could bring in Martin earlier?
I've read to chapter 9 and i'll read further when I've time. Five Stars for now
Cas
The Wind Maker
Seed Stories

Patricia,
I corrected the duplication of chapters on this web site. I was moved by your kind words even though I am not an emotional person. I think you will be surprised by the ending. My hope is readers will leave this book frustrated because they want more.
I think I have made a new friend. Perhaps our paths will crosse in NC.
Ronnie Nall

Your uploaded chapters stop at chapter 21 before repeating themselves, darn! Now I'll have to wait to find out the ending...smile. You are an awesome author! And this is a remarkable, rare book - on this site, I'd say it's in the top 1% of all the books. If this isn't picked up for publication soon, then no book on this site will ever be published because this is as good as a book gets. Well, obviously you have a new fan in this reader and I read every single chapter you uploaded because I couldn't put it down. This is definitely not in the same genre as "Fireproof" a book which also reminds me of made-for-tv-movies from 50 years ago....smile. This is an outstanding book, a potential classic, and I hope it's published soon.

Your plot is intelligent, complicated, and intriguing! "The Brotherhood", an organized group made up of Watchers, Scribes, and Monte who have protected the Shroud for 2000 years since Mary gave it as a gift to King Agbar in Edessa, is entirely believable and captivating as is "The Tribe", a hardline Islamist fanatical group to whom Saladeen was devoted.

Your characters are believable, real, full-bodied people: Father Thomas Fitzpatrick, martyr and grandfather to his successor in The Brotherhood, Fitz Fitzpatrick; Fitz, a champion boxer and a gym coach released from prison for accidentally murdering a man while protecting a young woman from being raped; Sterling Shepherd, head of the Gemstone company which funded the research on the Shroud; Sterling's daughter, Reece, and grandson, autistic Hunter; Dr. Syed Shah researcher who works with Sterling; Dr. Randolph Martin, Chairman of Medieval and Renaissance Studies at Duke University; Father Sean, the Vatican Envoy; and Dr. Clint Foster, Prof. of Biochemistry at Duke University and member of the Shroud of turin Research Project Team.

Magnificent, fascinating plot moving at just the right pace to keep the reader enthralled and flawless dialogue, authentic, natural, I have been mesmerized by your novel. I simply can't say enough good thinks about your book but it will certainly receive the highest number of stars from me and I will keep it on my watchlist until there is an empty spot on my shelf! Awesome work and you have my best wishes for publication!
Patricia Laster
Breaking Free

Ronald,

I've just finished reading the chapters you have posted. I'm not certain why you have a duplicate set posted, but I had difficulty uploading my books, so you may have encountered similar problems. I'd very much like to see the remaining chapters of this book as well as the other two books in your trilogy.

I noticed an error in your long pitch:

Driven to violence by the pathologically Saladeen . . . pathologically what? Saladeen is the name of a character. It seems that there is a word missing.

Through the book chapters, I recall only a few small errors, such as 'that' instead of 'than.' This is the cleanest unpublished manuscript I've ever read, cleaner than some published books I've read. The remaining errors are the kinds I overlook in proofreading my own work, because I tend to 'read' (from memory) what I intended to write rather than what I actually typed.

I don't generally back a book until I've read the conclusion (some stories begin well and fizzle by the end), but I agree with Pat's assessment. This is a story ready for publication.

Robert M. Starr
A Turn to Windward
Until Shiloh Comes

Your uploaded chapters stop at chapter 21 before repeating themselves, darn! Now I'll have to wait to find out the ending...smile. You are an awesome author! And this is a remarkable, rare book - on this site, I'd say it's in the top 1% of all the books. If this isn't picked up for publication soon, then no book on this site will ever be published because this is as good as a book gets. Well, obviously you have a new fan in this reader and I read every single chapter you uploaded because I couldn't put it down. This is definitely not in the same genre as "Fireproof" a book which also reminds me of made-for-tv-movies from 50 years ago....smile. This is an outstanding book, a potential classic, and I hope it's published soon.

Your plot is intelligent, complicated, and intriguing! "The Brotherhood", an organized group made up of Watchers, Scribes, and Monte who have protected the Shroud for 2000 years since Mary gave it as a gift to King Agbar in Edessa, is entirely believable and captivating as is "The Tribe", a hardline Islamist fanatical group to whom Saladeen was devoted.

Your characters are believable, real, full-bodied people: Father Thomas Fitzpatrick, martyr and grandfather to his successor in The Brotherhood, Fitz Fitzpatrick; Fitz, a champion boxer and a gym coach released from prison for accidentally murdering a man while protecting a young woman from being raped; Sterling Shepherd, head of the Gemstone company which funded the research on the Shroud; Sterling's daughter, Reece, and grandson, autistic Hunter; Dr. Syed Shah researcher who works with Sterling; Dr. Randolph Martin, Chairman of Medieval and Renaissance Studies at Duke University; Father Sean, the Vatican Envoy; and Dr. Clint Foster, Prof. of Biochemistry at Duke University and member of the Shroud of turin Research Project Team.

Magnificent, fascinating plot moving at just the right pace to keep the reader enthralled and flawless dialogue, authentic, natural, I have been mesmerized by your novel. I simply can't say enough good thinks about your book but it will certainly receive the highest number of stars from me and I will keep it on my watchlist until there is an empty spot on my shelf! Awesome work and you have my best wishes for publication!
Patricia Laster
Breaking Free

Robert,
Thanks for the scoop. I have never written a novel before these three. My goal was to write a book that asks many of the big philosophical/theological questions in an entertaining way. Is that possible? I don't know. I wanted to write something that had the same basic message of Christian literature but without the "softness"of books like "Facing the Giants, "The Vow", "Fireproof". These books remind me of sunday night made for tv movies from fifty years ago. I am pretty sure there are some Christians that will be offended by the violence in the books. (Chapters 9&11)

I thought I might try to avoid the "Christian" label and see if I can draw in an audience of readers that would never take a look at that genre. Perhaps I am wrong and I should embrace the Christian genre. I am still thinking about it.
Ronnie

Ronald,

Thank you very much for backing Until Shiloh Comes.

I've read the opening of Beyond Inquisition. You either have experience or have done your research. The tone is perfect and your writing very nearly flawless. Written as Osama bin Laden, the 'b' is not capatalized; I'm not certain if you are correct in writing it as Bin Laden without a name preceding bin.

I'm reading a couple of other books at the moment, but I'll put you on my watchlist and get to your story as soon as I can. Your full pitch has a great deal of information in it, but it worked to interest me in your story.

You're titles suggest Christian themes, and your writing was refreshingly clean, so you may want to look at the Christian Critique and Review Group on the forum to exchange reads and critiques with other Christian writers.

Thanks again,

Robert

Ronald,

Thank you very much for backing Until Shiloh Comes.

I've read the opening of Beyond Inquisition. You either have experience or have done your research. The tone is perfect and your writing very nearly flawless. Written as Osama bin Laden, the 'b' is not capatalized; I'm not certain if you are correct in writing it as Bin Laden without a name preceding bin.

I'm reading a couple of other books at the moment, but I'll put you on my watchlist and get to your story as soon as I can. Your full pitch has a great deal of information in it, but it worked to interest me in your story.

You're titles suggest Christian themes, and your writing was refreshingly clean, so you may want to look at the Christian Critique and Review Group on the forum to exchange reads and critiques with other Christian writers.

Thanks again,

Robert

Great stuff! Plenty of action, very well written. This is pitch perfect genre material.
Critique-wise I only saw two things to address: 1. Your Spanish doesn't cut it. If you have a native speaker available to you, ask them for more authentic phrasing. I'm not fluent, but I promise you, it needs work (for example you say "I'll cut out our eyes" instead of "I'll cut out your eyes".)
The other thing was insignificant really, but at the beginning of chapters you have the word "date", but no date filled in.
Both easily repaired, and other than that an exciting story that drew me right in and kept me flipping pages, digitally speaking.
Best of luck with this!
and if you have any interest in children's literature, please take a look at my novel, The Lost Wink.
Thanks,
Tod
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/