Scooter Goes North

Pretty bleak, but well written! I think you do a great job with the voices of your characters, and getting us inside their heads. Your craftsmanship is clean, well put-together, and I like your inclusion of careful details to give the writing some depth.
Best of luck with this!
Tod
The Lost Wink
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

Hi Sheri
I have just read your work. Obviously the first chapter was not what I was expecting for a children's book, but never the less it is quite well written in itself. There is an intensity in your style and the short story gives that sad tang of a relationship gone sour over the years as bodies and minds change.
Then I discovered your poem and found it charming. I read the original in chapter three and the re write in chapter two. The chapter two version flows much better.
It is great to read some poetry here.
Thanks
High stars
D.J
The Ghost Shirt

I have really enjoyed reading this delightful poem. I think younger children will love having it read out loud to them, and with the addition of illustrations, it will be quite captivating.

I like the addition of other animals in this as Scooter looks for a warmer home - again a great opportunity for more illustrations.

I smiled at the idea of Scooter learning to skate on the frozen bird bath. And then the happy ending with the robin.

This is nicely-written in a style that will appeal to younger children.
Giving stars.
Debbie
'Speedy McCready'

Does anybody know how I can find out whose watchlists and bookshelf I've been put on? My computer won't let me just click on it to see

Hi Sheri; I have just reread chapter two for you as asked.
I can see what hard work you must have put in to make the rhyming changes.
I am sat here now with a smile on my face which should say it all really.
Well done.
RMA
The Snow Lily

Thank you thank you and thank you for your continued support. :)
You like version 2 better? Be honest.
Still needs tweaking??
I appreciate any suggestions/ constructive criticisms you would be willing to offer.
Thanks again -Sheri

Hi Sheri; I have just reread chapter two for you as asked.
I can see what hard work you must have put in to make the rhyming changes.
I am sat here now with a smile on my face which should say it all really.
Well done.
RMA
The Snow Lily

Thank you thank you and thank you for your continued support. :)
You like version 2 better? Be honest.
Still needs tweaking??
I appreciate any suggestions/ constructive criticisms you would be willing to offer.
Thanks again -Sheri

Hi Sheri; I have just reread chapter two for you as asked.
I can see what hard work you must have put in to make the rhyming changes.
I am sat here now with a smile on my face which should say it all really.
Well done.
RMA
The Snow Lily

Casimir - chapter 2 is now a rewrite. Let me know what you think. Thanks

Casimir,

I appreciate your thoughts and critiques. I am open to any and all constructive criticism regarding the book/poem. I noticed the typos after downloading (spell check didn't catch them and you are correct, verse 3 is supposed to say AS, but because it says A, it wasn't caught by spell check but should have been caught by me.
When I go to edit the book, I am not able to fix the text/ typos. Do you know how I go about doing this without beginning all over again?
I also noticed some "jerky" rhythms as I was reading it and I agree with you. Especially as the writer, I certainly should not be stumbling to read my own work.I was anxious to put it "out there" and get feedback and make any and all necessary changes. I am reworking pieces of it so the flow is better as we speak . Again though, I am unable to change the text. If you would be able to tell me how to download the changes without having to start all over, I would truly appreciate it.
Btw, I wasn't screaming...lol. You obviously know a lot! If I'm remembering your profile correctly you have made "the desk" with one of your books and are very close with your second. Congratulations! There is always room for improvement in everything and I'm grateful for your honesty.
Someone expressed that they felt words like "determination" were too advanced for my target group. What are your feelings on that? I guess I perceived it as more of a learning opportunity for the child as opposed to being too large of a word. My kids, when they were younger, were encouraged to look up the meaning of a word in a book/ story, if they didn't understand it.
Thank you again for your honesty and for taking the time to read it. If you can answer my editing questions as soon as possible, I would appreciate it, as I am eager to "fix" it.
Hoping to hear soon,
Sheri

Hi Sheri

This is such a beautiful piece of poetry. "Thick as a brick" is what came to my mind when I saw that its all in verse, the entire story. That's how that song began.

Your writing is beautiful, and has potential of saving more lives than the 'more cerebral' works out there that end up giving the reader more scruples and worries than before.



It's just beautiful and exudes so much of the 'innocent times' of our lives that you just wanna leave all and be small again, when you'd just hear a poem like this and it'd just fix ya for good.

Touching, very touching.

High stars :) already.

I'll back for more.

Best of luck.

Ankur
Six Days

Thank you so much! I have changed chapter 2 to be a rewrite. Please take a look. I had received many comments on the flow being inconsistent, so without changing the story, rewrote it so lines2 and 4 rhyme throughout. Please let me know what you think as I may make it chapter 1. I will gladly read your story as well and rank and possibly back it! Thanks again for all your kind words!

Hi Sheri

This is such a beautiful piece of poetry. "Thick as a brick" is what came to my mind when I saw that its all in verse, the entire story. That's how that song began.

Your writing is beautiful, and has potential of saving more lives than the 'more cerebral' works out there that end up giving the reader more scruples and worries than before.

It's just beautiful and exudes so much of the 'innocent times' of our lives that you just wanna leave all and be small again, when you'd just hear a poem like this and it'd just fix ya for good.

Touching, very touching.

High stars :) already.

I'll back for more.

Best of luck.

Ankur
Six Days

Beautiful work. As with most new authors, their is such a high level of excitement to complete their project and present it, that often times there might be a misread or typo. Your story line is brilliant and I applaud you every step of the way. You are a success already. Continue putting your works out there for everyone to review. I believe you have what it takes. Continue on.....
LMLB

Hi Sheri; Like some of the others here, I am very impressed by your concept. You really don't get many books like this these days.
I think this has a great deal of potential and so scrutinised it more than I would normally. The story itself is lovely and for me needed little alteration, if any, but there were a few things in the individual paragraphs that could be done a little better.
The reason I say this is down to the way it rhymes, or not so, as the case may be. Because it is such a sweet and visual tale I am not sure it needs to rhyme at all. Children will love it for what it is, a beautiful little story. But, If it is to rhyme then I should try to be consistent in the way the lines fall. For example, the second and fourth line or however you feel fits best. I wouldn't alternate this, as you sometimes do, as you lose the flow of the words when you speak them. You don't know in your head if you are trying to make it rhyme or not.
I don't think this would take much doing one way or the other but I do think it would take the story from being good to great.
It is such a pity that illustrations aren't allowed here as your story would be ideal for them.
I hope this helps as I really did try to be constructive. You have a good book here it just needs a touch of polish.
Well done and starred highly
RMA
The Snow Lily

I found the entire concept of the poem very charming. What threw me slightly was the constant chaging of pace and metre. THis is a read aloud piece and it was very jerky. As a songwriter and lyricist myself, I understand the need for that internal rhythm. Of course rules can always be broken, but as this is a piece for children, the listener will need the security of that familiar pattern. Break the rules in what you say within the meter confines.

Take a long hard look at this and give it a tough edit. There were typos throughout that need smartening up.

For your book to succeed in the marketplace, it must be perfect in every way. (what do I know...I hear you scream...) But in theory, that is a truism.

So, great ideas but needs a good edit to work.


ps; verse three should read 'AS Scooter grew...' I think.

Casimir,

I appreciate your thoughts and critiques. I am open to any and all constructive criticism regarding the book/poem. I noticed the typos after downloading (spell check didn't catch them and you are correct, verse 3 is supposed to say AS, but because it says A, it wasn't caught by spell check but should have been caught by me.
When I go to edit the book, I am not able to fix the text/ typos. Do you know how I go about doing this without beginning all over again?
I also noticed some "jerky" rhythms as I was reading it and I agree with you. Especially as the writer, I certainly should not be stumbling to read my own work.I was anxious to put it "out there" and get feedback and make any and all necessary changes. I am reworking pieces of it so the flow is better as we speak . Again though, I am unable to change the text. If you would be able to tell me how to download the changes without having to start all over, I would truly appreciate it.
Btw, I wasn't screaming...lol. You obviously know a lot! If I'm remembering your profile correctly you have made "the desk" with one of your books and are very close with your second. Congratulations! There is always room for improvement in everything and I'm grateful for your honesty.
Someone expressed that they felt words like "determination" were too advanced for my target group. What are your feelings on that? I guess I perceived it as more of a learning opportunity for the child as opposed to being too large of a word. My kids, when they were younger, were encouraged to look up the meaning of a word in a book/ story, if they didn't understand it.
Thank you again for your honesty and for taking the time to read it. If you can answer my editing questions as soon as possible, I would appreciate it, as I am eager to "fix" it.
Hoping to hear soon,
Sheri

I found the entire concept of the poem very charming. What threw me slightly was the constant chaging of pace and metre. THis is a read aloud piece and it was very jerky. As a songwriter and lyricist myself, I understand the need for that internal rhythm. Of course rules can always be broken, but as this is a piece for children, the listener will need the security of that familiar pattern. Break the rules in what you say within the meter confines.

Take a long hard look at this and give it a tough edit. There were typos throughout that need smartening up.

For your book to succeed in the marketplace, it must be perfect in every way. (what do I know...I hear you scream...) But in theory, that is a truism.

So, great ideas but needs a good edit to work.


ps; verse three should read 'AS Scooter grew...' I think.

Hi, Sheri! Thank you so much for your kind support of Nickel Ridge. I really appreciate it! Your sweet story about Scooter was fun to read, too. I like the idea of flipping the conventional bird-flies-south around.

I saw that you asked some questions about the publishing business in general. I have done some writing for children, too, and had a nice long conversation with a picture book editor at a conference once. She gave some good advice which I thought might help you, too. For one thing, she recommends submitting to places like "highlights" or "cricket." Having some pub creds to your name can help get you started. And I have found that you end up receiving their tips and newsletters via email, free, which are also quite helpful. The agent said that her top criteria was that the protagonist be a child who inventively solves his own problem, not rescued by adults. I think you accomplished that here.

You had a few typos that I made note of. Would you like me to send them? Not everyone is looking for that kind of line-edit, but I always like to know myself.

All the best,
Catherine Morgan

Hey Catherine,
I caught the typos too. Unfortunately, it was after I downloaded it and when I went to edit the book, it would not let me change the story. Do you know how I can fix that? Great advice, by the way, and truly appreciated! I absolutely loved your book and look forward to hopefully seeing more of your writing in the future. I KNOW you will make it! I can see it already in the new fiction section @ the bookstore :)
Best of luck,
Sheri

Hi, Sheri! Thank you so much for your kind support of Nickel Ridge. I really appreciate it! Your sweet story about Scooter was fun to read, too. I like the idea of flipping the conventional bird-flies-south around.

I saw that you asked some questions about the publishing business in general. I have done some writing for children, too, and had a nice long conversation with a picture book editor at a conference once. She gave some good advice which I thought might help you, too. For one thing, she recommends submitting to places like "highlights" or "cricket." Having some pub creds to your name can help get you started. And I have found that you end up receiving their tips and newsletters via email, free, which are also quite helpful. The agent said that her top criteria was that the protagonist be a child who inventively solves his own problem, not rescued by adults. I think you accomplished that here.

You had a few typos that I made note of. Would you like me to send them? Not everyone is looking for that kind of line-edit, but I always like to know myself.

All the best,
Catherine Morgan

Hi Sheri - This is a charming tale which little ones would love to have read to them.

There are one or two things you could think about as you polish it. Occasionally the pattern of the beats in each line changes, so when I read it my tum ti tum ti tum didn't quite work out. I'm sure it works when you read it out loud, but you might want to get readers who're new to it to try reading it back to you, and take note of any lines which trip them up. Then when you do a polish on it you could see if you could fix these lines.

The other thing I wonder about is what words you are using for the target age group. If it is for preschoolers then a word like 'determination' with five syllables would be a bit advanced for them. I know this is your theme, but you might like to rack your brains to see if you could express the idea in words which would make sense to a teeny tot.

Dr Seuss wrote books like Green Eggs and Ham all with words of one syllable, apart from the one word 'anywhere'. In fact, I've just thought - if you decided to simplify the language a little, say to words of no more than three syllables, it might help to simplify the tum ti tum of the lines and make it easier to get the rhythm right when reading out loud.

I hope this is useful. I've tried to think of ways you can get your lovely story more ready to be published, because I'd really like you to succeed!

Cheers - Zane

Sheri,
I can imagine your work in picture book form aimed at primary school agers, also a good bedtime read by a grownup with his/her little one. You might consider rewording the doing it "Winter Style" bit which could easily be misconstrued. Altogether an uplifiting piece of work tracking a little brid's journey through life and ultimately finding happiness from which human parallels could be drawn. Thank you so much for sharing this ray of sunshine.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Oops! I forgot, I wanted to tell you that you earned a bag of stars from me!

What an adorably cute book! I loved how you maintained your poetry as well as the theme throughout! You are very talented!
Thanks for the fun read!
God bless!!
Elizabeth Kathleen
"If Children are Cheaper by the Dozen, Can I Get a Discount on Six?"

This is an enjoyable read, it will be interesting what style of illustrations you go for, it has so much potential!

Thank you so much Patricia. I have no idea how to get an illustrator or publisher, which is why I put it out here. I'm so glad you liked it and thank you again for all the wonderful compliments. Any advice on how to move forward would be greatly appreciated.
-Sheri

This is absolutely delightful! I can't praise it enough...it put a huge smile on my face and I'm an adult! I like your poetry/story better than Seuss. I KNOW that children will absolutely love it - especially when it's illustrated.

I even teared up at, "She held him underneath her wing
Not wanting to let go."

And what a sweet, sweet ending: After seeing how Porcupine, Skunk, Squirrel, and Rabbit lived, Scooter met the love of his life, Robin, who shows him how to enjoy 'winter' and they marry and have a baby for grandmom to visit.

You better believe you have talent and that you have something very unique here to offer. Get your lovely story/poem illustrated as soon as you can and have it published. This is a rare gem and I'd love to see it hit the shelves for Christmas. My very best wishes in finding a great illustrator to go with your equally delightful book as well as a publisher.

Blessings, Patricia Laster
Breaking Free