The First Unborn

Thank you!
My secret is out. I come from a world of myth and my words are channelled from another dimension, although some of them got a bit distorted in the send-receive process, probably a corrupt attachment.
;-)
Dx

*Great, entertaining, tongue-in-cheek satire of the classical genre which so tortured many of us in our high school days. You nail the style so well that it is almost like you are a time traveler from the literary world of ancient mythology.

*Amazing vocabulary! I feel smarter for having read just one chapter!

*Vivid poetic descriptions!

You may have trouble finding a wide audience for this genre, but it is nonetheless an admirable work.

*Great, entertaining, tongue-in-cheek satire of the classical genre which so tortured many of us in our high school days. You nail the style so well that it is almost like you are a time traveler from the literary world of ancient mythology.

*Amazing vocabulary! I feel smarter for having read just one chapter!

*Vivid poetic descriptions!

You may have trouble finding a wide audience for this genre, but it is nonetheless an admirable work.

I like it on several levels.

1. An ambitious project, which is wonderful. We need more of these; there is more then enough pop fiction to go around.

2. A poem that rhymes (mostly)! Nothing against free verse, but it seems that most poets have forgotten that words can do that.

3. Literary allusion. I'm a sucker for it.

Things to work on:

1. The rhyme is wonderful--what about meter? There are times where you slip into it, and these are much better than the un-metered passages. I'm not worried about inserting prose segments; that's just fine. But especially if you are approaching the poem as an oral project, a little bit of rhythm would be wonderful. Iambs are easiest for English of course (or at least is the prevailing belief), but you could experiment with others. And don't be afraid to stray from the meter either, but I think its a good backbone. There are a few passages that are awkward to read because every syllable ends up stressed.

e.g. "Possibly one could be sad because one/is crying, but of course one is not sad that/one is crying. I'd like to say: One" I feel like I'm tripping over something when I read it. I think that in writing poetry, its easier for the readers to get through tough sentence structure and rhymes if they can get a good rhythm going--like running down stairs.

2. As far as the allusions go, I might even make them a bit more "allusory". In other words, don't feel the need to spell it out all the time. Making it obscure or opaque can be good--those who will understand the allusion will get it anyway, and those who don't will have to seek out your clues to learn more about the subject matter. It is a thesis after all; it should assume a certain knowledge of figures and mythology.

3. The text is not quite univocal. Some areas, such as the very clever rhymed and metered bits, flow wonderfully. Others stumble a bit more. The good parts give me hope, and I wouldn't press you otherwise. You might try having someone else read it out loud to you; then the awkward parts will be more clear, rather than just hearing them repeated in your own head again.

But above all, there's a lot of creativity in what you are trying to do, and you show that you have the ability to carry it through. So keep it up! We need more literature-inclined philosophers out there! :)

Dear Deveril,

On my bookshelf as explained under Made of Stuff.

In recognition of your talent.

Regards,

Pierre.

I like it. One shelf space coming up.

This is out of order in some respects.