Book Jacket

 

rank 5913
word count 20849
date submitted 29.12.2008
date updated 10.02.2009
genres: Fiction, Thriller, Crime
classification: adult
incomplete

Marching with the Legions of Hell

James Bone

London-based crime fiction. The first Inspector Carlyle novel. 100,00 words complete.

 

“Are you sure Inspector?”
“Well …” Carlyle looked down at his shoes, trying not to smile. Are you sure? He’d been asked that question a million times before. He was a policeman for fuck’s sake. Of course he was sure.

Someone has started killing off elite members of London society. In the killer’s sights is the man aiming to be the country’s next Prime Minister, not to mention the Mayor of London. Inspector John Carlyle of London’s Metropolitan Police knows why, but not who. Can he stop the killer before others take it in to their own hands?
When Carlyle is handed a note telling him of a body in a nearby London hotel room he thinks it’s a joke. On discovering otherwise, he begins a journey through the murky world of the British upper classes, leading all the way to the heart of the political establishment.
This is the first Inspector Carlyle novel. It takes place in a world where right and wrong don’t exist. And, for a cynical policeman, chances to ‘do the right thing’ are few and far apart.

 
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tags

crime, fiction, london, police

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7 comments

 

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Colin Eston wrote 1378 days ago

You certainly have a way with words. Hard-bitten, misanthropic, cynical, seen-it-all cop. But the masses of description and stream-of consciousness are hard to take. Somewhere under the welter, there's a strong story, albeit a very unpleasant one. Bits of description are superb, snatches of dialogue are terse and focused - but the skill you need to cultivate is self-critical editing. The story needs to move along - and possibly have some characters who are not deeply unpleasant?
Sorry, I can't back a book that takes such a jaundiced view of human nature.

Natasha Vloyski wrote 1533 days ago

Ch 4 Again, it takes a bit of masticating to get through these chapters. You notice I use a fancy word for chewing. The author does this too. Perhaps it is his style but it can be tough to read. One, almost feels a moment of triumph actually having got through the chapter. (i.e figuring the odds was a little too much over the top). Altogether, though, the writing is really good- intelligent and thoughtful- just dense.

Natasha Vloyski wrote 1533 days ago

Ch 3 The writing is very dense and descriptive that it needs to be broken up a little more to be readable. I'd try a larger font and more paragraphs. Also some puntuation errors here that are easily fixed. The author has a way of allowing the narrator to spin out his thoughts that is rather unique. It takes a while, though, to reach the main theme and plot. However, it's worth wading through some of the descriptive meandering.

Natasha Vloyski wrote 1534 days ago

Ch What charming discriptions. I've always wanted to visit England and inparticular London. The author manages to give us a pavement-point-of-view (very realistically I might add).

Don't know what a 'twee tourist oasis' is..... The rest needs more editing, there are missing words and punctuation which only deters a little from the overall chapter. I might break this chapter up because there's so much information in it. But it's written very well (also written in very British terms someof which the American reader might not get).

Good chapter.

R T Ray wrote 1536 days ago

Backed!

All in all an enjoyable read.

I agree with the other members, the info dump/bio in the beginning doesn't belong. It should be kept in your files to refer to later. Believe me, if you write more than one novel involving the same main characters, you'll become confused and will find yourself going back to see exactly in what book who said what or what so and so's hair color is. The list goes on. Feed the reader this info in spoon size bits as you go along and again keep careful records.
I'm told (not sure if true or not) that you shouldn't use dialogue in your pitch. You might want to check with other members.

Best of luck,
Ray

Natasha Vloyski wrote 1536 days ago

Ch 1 Other than the very beginning, this chapter starts off strong. The images are vivid if not difficult to read. Too much like real life I think. The author portrays a time and place that are alien to me and makes its believeable. Excellent chapter.

Natasha Vloyski wrote 1538 days ago

Bit tiresome reading the word 'gargoyle. I didn't finish the first chapter because I'm a bit tired but it has the makings of a good story; down to earth and pithy. I am like the other reader, I have no idea what the beginning resume is about rather than to put people off from reading the story. Hope you reconsider positioning it (if it is necessary) to another place in the book. Later....

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