Book Jacket

 

rank 5908
word count 104607
date submitted 16.09.2012
date updated 12.07.2013
genres: Fiction, Fantasy, Comedy
classification: adult
complete

Fantastica

Victorio Velasquez

Parody/satire that spoofs movie and TV fiction/fantasy. Its the flip side of Game of Thrones with more humor, sex, drugs, and rock n roll fun.

 

The world of Fantastica is an enchanted magical land with politically social upheaval and racial divide. Two close friends, Shit and Dope, both of whom are from different origins and backgrounds, break the law of the land for partaking in the weeklong Pigshit festival. This special festival held annually for the peaceful common people and forest beasts that reside outside of the great city is disrupted by a military dispatch of cavalry troops dealing justice in the name of the cat emperor/demigod deity who has always ruled his provincial lands with an oppressive iron paw. This sets off the intricate chain of events that leads to the two friends being separated, and to individually embark on different paths of destiny. This is FANTASTICA, the dark new age parody/satire/spoof series of the fiction/fantasy genre like no other before or after.

 
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Sam Barclay wrote 275 days ago

This is certainly different....and that's what we want, of course. If you are aiming for mainstream, then you will probably have to think about changing the character's name 'Shit.' Maybe 'Crap'? Dope is fine and quite amusing as it works on many levels.
As far as the short pitch goes, you need an apostrophe in 'Its the flip.' With the long pitch I suggest a new paragraph starting 'This sets off..."

This is very imaginative and original. Personally I think you need a better balance of short, medium-length and longer sentences, but I struggle with this too so I can't really talk.

I don't know Games of Thrones btw so I can't comment there.

Best of luck with this.

Cheers, Sam

Otter wrote 281 days ago

Thanks for the request for a read request swap.

Shit and Dope, an interesting choice of names but entirely suitable for parody and satire though some would find more subtle names more appealing.

Louie seems to live in wondrous splendour as befitting a God.

I enjoyed that you use every single word appropriate to the world of fantasy and wizardry and meshed them together into a meanagerie of descriptive prose - very befitting a story that parodies these things.

Alas, the menagerie failed to excite me as the lengthy sentences were longer than a politicians speech and no amount of sages, demons in the dark pits or shit throwing shit at dope nor head sages or god cats or cermonial lances could entice me to read beyond the first chapter.

That you have a great imagination and the essence of a good satire the writing must be better structured for anyone to read this. I am no genius in these matters. If you slashed the size of sentences and judiciously added a few comma's and also shortened the chapters for presentation here, you may find readers would be able to enjoy it. The first chapter is vital and needs to be structured so as to invite the reader to continue reading.

Please message me again if you do any of this and I will be happy to give it a second read.

All the best , you have obviously put a lot of work into this.

Norman Morrow ( The Con-Quest of Father Brennan )

Charles Knightley wrote 282 days ago

Fantastica
Victorio Velasquez

You have created an interesting world. You obviously have quite an imagination to have have written this. I think the review by Henry Baum summarises your book very well. "Fantastica is not a serious novel. ... this story is meant to be silly. Velasquez is poking fun at fantasy novels and about the world we live in today. He goes out of his way to be outrageous and shocking." A very good critique, what more can I add?

One editing query - I didn't understand why the sentence "Is Dope not the nephew?" suddenly appeared in a middle of a sentence.

Charles Knightley
The Secret of Netley Abbey

BeeJoy wrote 286 days ago

Hm...interesting concept here. Very great imagination you got going. I would say a little less profanity but loved the book!

Labradors and cappuccino wrote 497 days ago

This is definitely not my type of book; nevertheless I will try and give you some genuine critique. I don't like the character's name SHIT. It's not really funny and I think you can do better than that. Dope is okay, even amusing. You clearly have writing talent and with a lot of work can write a better book. At the moment you have way too many long sentences and it's too easy to lose track -I counted 46 word and 47 word sentences in para 2.More than 30 is too many. Try to break it up more. Start the book with something exciting to hook the reader in and reveal the description gradually. It's not that important straight away.

tmda7 wrote 498 days ago

I love your writing style and choice of character names. There is a very subtle irony that pervades the narrative, though Dope's threat to 'impregnate' every one of his detractors' daughters is a personal highlight! A good blend of parody/satire and slapstick/inference.

Native1243 wrote 500 days ago

Wow, it took me awhile to get through the first chapter but I did it and all i can say is that this is actually pretty funny. I read it with one of my friends and we were just cracking up the whole time we were reading it. I've never seen the Game of Thrones but I've played the game once and I liked it. My interest was in this the whole time I was reading it. Great use of your imagination!

Jaclyn Aurore wrote 511 days ago

WTF!

Alright, so I've never read or seen Game of Thrones, though i hear it's quite good... so if there is any actual relation to that (aside from fabulous writing of course) then i missed it.
Having said that, i thought this was freaking hilarious... Oh Mighty Shit, i bow to thee

Jaclyn x
It Never Happened

Invited to WTF group
http://authonomy.com/forums/threads/106125/wtf-write-the-fantasy/

ubulord wrote 514 days ago

This is peculiar. I'll come back to it when I manage to get some free time, which at the moment I unfortunately don't have.

Michael Matula wrote 524 days ago

There's a lot of creativity here, Victorio, with genetically-altered demon beasts and the very entertaining cat god, and I think you have a lot of talent as a writer. I'm not personally a big fan of some of the names, though, and I also might trim down on some of the adjectives at times (as in chapter 2 with the “tall lanky” mutant – I'd take out “tall,” as lanky means both tall and thin. “Big giant” also seemed redundant, though this might be the joke.) There are also a couple of editing notes in the manuscript, which I might think about removing.

It is very original, though, and I think you have a lot of great ideas here.

Best wishes,

Mike

Maevesleibhin wrote 524 days ago

Fantastica
Victorio,
I only read the first chapter, and I felt quite proud of myself for getting so far. Frankly, the mere thought of 100,000 words of this is more than I can take. I do not tend to be dismissive of books on Authonomy. We are all here because we want to improve our work and be recognized for our talents. We all want our stories read. And, in both our cases, we want to make people laugh. But I feel that you undermine yourself in such a spectacular way that I cannot help myself.
There are two very basic issues that border on the offensive to me as a reader. The first is your use of Shit and Dope as your main character names. Now, I have nothing against a bit of slapstick, but unless you are specifically targeting the Bevis and Butthead crowd, this very fact alone will make many of your readers dismiss the book outright. Humour is very particular, and others may disagree, but IMHO you can do better to find a funny name. It implies a huge lack of imagination, which is ironic, because the story itself is not unimaginative. It is also distracting, and you don't want the MCs name to distract the reader.
The second, even more offensive to me, is your lack of regard for tense. You keep going from present to past tense without the slightest regard. Makes me think you have not proofread your work, which is an insult to your reader.
You start with a summarizing description of your universe, which is a singularly uninviting way to start a book. And then you describe in such a halfhearted way, with slashes standing in for conjunctions. Instead, consider starting with a scene, maybe the festival, and filling in the details later.
These issues really got in the way of your mock-fairy tale plot, which may have been entertaining otherwise. You have a nice element with the mute magical tigress, the magical suits, the conceited cat deity and even the antagonistic troll couple. As I said earlier, you do have the bud of a good story there. It is just so completely wrapped up in the nettles of your style that it will wilt before it flowers.
Now, the good news is that you can fix all that. The one thing that you can't get from someone else is imagination, and it is obvious you have a good one. I highly recommend you go back and polish (chisel, even) this story into shape a bit.
As with all harsh crits, this is only my two pence.
Best of luck,
Maeve

Jimmy Wearne wrote 525 days ago

HI Victorio - first suggestion - get rid of the 'And' starting the second sentence editors hate those and you don't need it.
change of tense - Shit nodded in agreement , "Well said old friend" as he gets up - should be' as he got up'

Over all though I enjoyed you first chapter immensely - especially the catgod Louie - is that from a personal encounter? Giving you top stars

Jimmy

Jimmy Wearne wrote 525 days ago

HI Victorio - first suggestion - get rid of the 'And' starting the second sentence editors hate those and you don't need it.
change of tense - Shit nodded in agreement , "Well said old friend" as he gets up - should be' as he got up'

Over all though I enjoyed you first chapter immensely - especially the catgod Louie - is that from a personal encounter? Giving you top stars

Jimmy

Thalia wrote 552 days ago

I loved the premise and your characters are fun and interesting. My only humble suggestion would be perhaps break up the first chapter into two shorter ones because there is so much going on. I've given Fantastica top stars!

maretha wrote 553 days ago

Fantastica/Victoria Velasquez
I couldn't help but smile at the names of the friends Shit and Dope being at the Pigshit festival, although having said that it didn't quite glue the plot for me. Your story certainly has potential and your imagiantion has no bounds. So for that I give you many stars, although I'm not sure where the plot will take me :-)
All the best
Maretha
African Adventures of Flame, Family, Furry and Feathered Friends

Di Manzara wrote 553 days ago

Hi Victorio,

This is highly imaginative. I admire you for coming up with an interesting plot many will enjoy. You have your own unique style and it says a lot about you as a writer. Great job.

Overall, I enjoyed the read and I wish you all the best with it.

D
LEO & ROVER: THE PURPLE MARBLE ADVENTURES

philip john wrote 562 days ago

Not my kind of book if I am totally, utterly honest. But clearly the product of an incredibly lively imagination and very well written.
Good luck Philip John

rikasworld wrote 564 days ago

I like the idea of this and I think you have some nice touches, like the self worshipping rituals of the emporer and the fact he has images of himself in the sewage system!
Needs a bit of editing I think. Watch the tenses and that kind of thing. It does read a bit like a first draft that would be funnier if it was tightened up and some of the jokes developed more.
I think this has potential though.

mistahsig wrote 565 days ago

I like what you're trying to do here. It's a bit of a comical adventure story mixed with some sarcastic overtones, which I am a fan of. Writing such as this doesn't need to be as crude as you've done in some parts with the swears. That's my only real complaint. Try to make those kinds of words strategic, when they really have a punch behind them.

Anyway, I dig it. I hope you expand this story, because I'm interested in reading a finished product.

Peter B wrote 566 days ago

If you are going to incorporate all the profanity into the script, why not utilize the obvious plays on such words that is so available...yet unused. I think the story is detracted from a bit because everyone knows curse words are what ignorant people use when they don't have the vocabulary to express themselves otherwise, and this is absolutely below your obvious imaginative talent and writing expertise. Still pretty cool tho. Peter B. Nagy

A Nerdy Rogue wrote 567 days ago

This story is lovely, its very different than what's normally on here, though some of the chapters are a bit too long. I was personally told the same thing about my novel, perhaps splitting the paragraphs up into shorter blobs?
Anyways, the characters are very well written, I found myself pulled in.
The storyline moved at a good pace and it was quite amusing.
I didn't notice too many grammatical errors, but I may have just been too focused on reading to acknowledge them.
Kudos :) I look forward to reading more if you put more up
High stars

- Bree

Lenny Banks wrote 571 days ago

Hi Victorio, I read some of chapter 2. I love the idea of the book, but my first comment is to suggest breaking it into smaller chapters so you can review / edit them and minor errors can be easier to correct. There are some punctuation nit piks, I would suggest you read through what you have written and read it back to yourself, someone suggested it to me and it was really valuabe. Then if you are not sure about something borrow or buy 'Eats, shoots and leaves' its a great book for punctuation guidelines. I noted: '...had they not develop a makeshift lighting system...' should that be '...developed...' , Some people might not know what '...WTF...' means maybe you could elaborate or use an alternative. I note you use '...OK...' someone suggested i try using '...Okay...' it worked for me, maybe you could see if that works for you as well, I think it looks more professional. I have given you a few suggestions there, that said, I found the story enchanting and liked the sword weilding etc. The character names may put some people off, but at least it was original, I wish you good luck with this piece, you will find and audience as it leans for a niche group (who like rat stories) but it also has other things that appeal to different people (talking animals, adventure etc etc.)

Good Luck, Kind Regards and Best Wishes
Lenny Banks - Tide and Time: At The Rock

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