pf

Paul, I like the techy stuff okay, and understand it, but I think you should start the book with the 16th paragraph that starts out with:
"The weird thing was there was "time" to wonder what was happening before the explosion ripped off the roof of the building."
That shock wave would get readers immediately into a situation needing more explanation, plus whet appetites for a fast-paced thriller.
chuckgnx -- Marshall Warren -- "Sunrise, "Sunset" -- a novel of Politics, Power, Sex, Mother Earth and Money.

Hi Paul, this is quite an ambitious structure you have set up here - i have read the first three chapters, but i'm afraid It, got the better of me. Starting with It, which i assume is a man who is the sub in the subdom relationship, i like the idea of what you are trying to achieve, but to really pull it off, the writing has to be tightly controlled - i noticed that a lot the sentences could be reworked so the the only 'it' is 'It' - i think this would help the read tremendously if you could cut out as many 'it' s as poss - otherwise i fear readers, like me, will just get 'itted' out and give up. As for the first two chapters, well you certainly know how to set up a hook! But i was less comfortable with the character in the second chapter for two reasons - the stuff about her cycle heavy breasts, just didn't read authentic - put it this way the cold doesn't make any difference, they just ache - and you just live with it. And secondly, am i to assume she is a journalist? if so, wouldn't her first instinct to have been to rush outside with the camera? rather than waiting for official news to pick it up. And even if she is not a journo, she seems to be very concerned that mainstream news is sanitised and controlled, therefore again, i would have thought she would have been more pro-active in recording the event.

So where am i at - i think it is shaping up to be a fast paced and very 'now' story - i think it needs a lot of tightening, the voice in chap 2 reworking, and some serious work on the use of 'it'. I hope my comments have been of some help. Cheers.

HI Paul, I am not up on techno jargon but you have made it accessible enough for me to keep up, I am even learning something. I find this rivetting and will keep coming back, well done!
Patrick Barrett, (Shakespeares Cuthbert)

PJ (Paul Ebbs)

To begin to read this one would need to be at least moderately up in tech-speak. To continue to read it, one must be driven along by the sense of urgency in the reportage -- buildings blow up for no good reason, persons who shouldn't be in them are, there's an element of S&M or at least M. And then in chapter 4 I get lost. Perhaps I'm not tech'd enough. Perhaps it needs a rethink. But it's interesting, and I shelve it to follow it's progress.
mch

Going to watchlist this one for sure and come back when my powers of concentration are up for an actual read...

Haha. I think some of the chapter titles say it all. How different! Don't worry, in a good way. I like it. I never would have thought pf would've stood for what it did. My eyes lit up! I like the change of pace with the Messenger type dialogue of chapter 4. Keep it comin! x

the pacing is first rate - i love a zippy read. there's enough to fill us in on what's going on, but enough ambiguity and gaps to make us want to find out more... the odd typo, but hey, nothing's perfcet! ;-) some of the jargon grated a bit - Googhoo?!!? I always search with Yahgle, personally - but the rest of it flowed like a very smooth stout in a straight-sided glass. I wanna kno wot da frickin hek is gonna happen nxt!
deveril x

This is one slick sucker, Paul. Great Tech-speak, with an inventiveness that introduced an unknown concept--for me at least--without causing one moment of pause. Paced like greased ball-bearings on ice, it is the perfect opening chapter. I swallowed the entire hook!

Your friends are correct: you need to keep this one going until the end...

Oh yeah, this one's on my shelf

Fantastic pitch, but being a screenwriter you`d know all about that. Yes, it`s got a Blade Runner thing going on (one of my fave films btw) ... haven`t got to the sex bit, so must keep reading. So this is unfinished, hey? Best get at it then, Paul!
Bookshelved!

Based on the first chapter which I just read, I would buy this in an instant for a teenager I know. It is not too east to find good books for boys; for gitls there are numerous choices. I will read more of the nook but as a shopper, that first chapter would have sold me.

Okay. First off, points for the audacious name. Second, the words Blade Runner pop into my mind, and that can not be a bad thing now. Third, I've read some Gibson, but somehow I'd prefer this; there's more of a presencehere, his is so disconnected that I can't relate to it. This, I can somehow picture more easily than his stuff.

I also like the way you take current technology one step up. I was just wondering about certain wordings such as DVD Rom. If you use current terms, you'd need to be very sure about the typing: DVD ROM. Otherwise they may be confused with the new, invented terms.

Shelved,

Heikki

Very nice start, nice character building . . . well, not _nice_ as such. ;) Good mystery. Good writing. Evil place to cut off. Are we going to have to wait until it's in print to find out more? Shelved.

I want more. Not sure if I should be commenting here or not, but don't know where else. Great characters. Specially IT from the third chapter. You get into the mind of a true submissive just the way I like - you can guess at this point I read BDSM based stories and I think you have it down well.

Then there is the mystery of the explosion ignored by the news folk. Good stuff. Nothing disturbing in this for me.

Comment from Stef...

Paul, i have read the six chapters and here is my take on it. First off i avoided the copy-edit trap and got on with the story. The prose is nicely gritty (have a look at Better Angels onsite for a yank equivalent - that's a compliment btw) and the characters nicely flawed. This is entirely different from your other work here - your voice is varied too with the interior monologues. I like it. I think it has an up to date Orwellian flavour that is already grounded in reality, in fact i would pinch some of his famous kudos and set (and title it) in 2084. The richboy-wanabee-accepted hacker and his explosive intro works well, as does his pathetic stand-offishness to the girl he wants to fuck, also his CV (false though it is, he's a real fake as stated famously elsewhere). The pm laden journo gives a nice social commentary of the times and the futility of some aspects of technology (notably the cellphone) and i'm sure she could develop into the real MC here if she digs in the wrong places. The IT character again is a full-bodied character (we don't even have a gender yet and i suggest you let the reader decide by witholding any clues). The head of security who is stupid enough to liase online when she admits she hasn't all the cards on this table looks to be a victim in the making, that girl needs to suffer for her ignorance; and i don't mean gladly (in the way IT does). The squatters are not yet developed enough but maybe they will be the next explosion victims - who knows? The "headmaster, we have yet to meet but are intrigued with and he has scope (a politician maybe?) so for a wee bit of crit: you echo "Frisson" which is a little middle class for many tastes. Some words you use will part the hair of the general reader so you might want to dumb down the odd word. The IM conversation in ch4 is cool (but may exclude technophobes) but needs to be in 2 seperate typefaces to help with locution for the reader. stef