Postmark Amsterdam

Not sure yet how the geisha-painted sex worker of chap 2 relates to the horribly abused concentration camp girl of chap 1, but will be reading on to find out. One thing's for sure, that opening's a shocker!
6 stars, great writing.

Joe Kovacs
A Marriage made in Chemical Heaven

p.s. silly little nit: I think it's "Fagin" in chap 2.

Okay, I’m apologising in advance. I would much rather have sent this as a message but you accept messages only from friends. So here goes.

I read all of the first chapter and into the second. From the pitch, you have the potential for a good story, but – and this in only in my opinion so may well be worthless – you may do well to edit ruthlessly for over writing. Check how frequently you use adjectives and adverbs. I am not against them, but if overused they weigh the writing down.

You also have a habit of writing in sentence fragments. I do this myself sometimes, and it’s not entirely a bad thing as long as the meaning is clear and it doesn’t disrupt the flow of the story.

There are a few typos, which can be easily fixed – millenium, capitol, loose, loosing, induldge, it’s etc.

Good luck with this.

Your profile says this is your first book and you're posting it to see what people think. Message me if you wish me to delete this comment and I shall do so.

My own book is going to revolve partly around the vice trade-albeit in a thinly disguised Kingston-on-Hull rather than Edinburgh and without the historical angle-so I wanted to see what you did with the subject.

I genuinely enjoyed what I've read of this (i.e chapters 1&2) but I'd echo the comments below about pace. I think it's well written but the prose is very dense at times. If you take any individual paragraph, it reads beautifully but when ypu read them together, it can get in the way of the narrative. I'd have probably enjoyed it more if you'd broken up some of the descriptive passages with speech-you have an obvious talent for dialogue. With special reference to the first chapter, I felt the subject matter was so unpleasant that there was no need to describe it in such detail. The most effective section was the spare and rather shocking final paragraph.

You're obviously very good at this and I wish you well with the project.

Hi Fennick, I took a look at chapter 3, thanks for taking a look at my book. Wow, this is a deep and moving account that could have come from the young lady's voice. I love your attention to detail and the way you create an atmosphere. Well done, I will w/l and put it on my shelf at the start of next month. High Stars, this is going to do well.
Kindest Regards and Best Wishes
Lenny Banks - Tide and Time: At The Rock

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I will try to read soon

I'd say the main issue I had here was pace. The heavily descriptive passages slow things down, and excessive detail doesn't make things clearer, it implies greater imporatnce. So a line on someone's PJs tells me what they're wearing, two paragraphs on them implies the PJs will play an important role in the story.

Structurally, length text also has impact on pace. if one person asks a question and you then insert a long paragraph of decription before the other person answers, that suggests a pause between question and answer. You don't appear to be aware of these effects, which are somewhat arbitrary.

This all makes it a very slow read. The search for the Ukraine on a map is stretched out in a way that's realistic, but not interesting. I would suggest you need to be more selective about what you include and how much detail you give about it (depending on how imporant it is to the story). Not that you shouldn't express your visual and thematic ideas on the page, but if you suddenly go into hyper detail on a ponytail or the snow or stuff at random, it's not going to have any focus.

I think there is an interesting premise here, but I think you're going to put off readers with such a static opening and then a very slow narrative.

Wow. Very strong opening. I now understood the faking - or the performance in these forced cases were for survival. You are courageous to take this subject on. And a great start to it.

Personally, two very direct expressions 'waking hell' and 'they fucked her' did not sink in too well. I think it's because they are so direct and as we (at least I) use these words so lightly, daily, they lost the meaning to me. I'd think less direct expressions that we (or I) don't use often would give more impact.

Good luck with this book.

And you are invited to read mine and comment.

Ruko

HELLO
Welcome to Authonomy. It is a place to get books done in a professional way. As a young Nigerian Writer, I am really improving. I was trained here through the truth the comments on my novel, readers here are like teachers to me.
As a young Writer who is striving to get to the Editor’s Desk, I need your help here. My book title ‘Animals in Paradise’’ has gained much support through comments, stars rating and backing on the shelves. But I still really need your help more.
I am available to read you book back and do my best for it. I have been busy before on the editing of the book, but now I am available.
Please I really need you to take a look at y book and I assure you that you will love it. I don’t want to reveal the details, but you will like it.
Thanks, God bless you
Animals In Paradise
Isoje David

Wow, that is one grim opening chapter. Your descriptions are vivid, powerful and painful, which is essential, I think, in making narrative work so well. Very nicely done. Best of luck with this, and welcome to Authonomy.
I have a bit of darkness in my work, but not like yours! Do drop by for a peek at the Lost Wink.
Thanks!
Tod
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

Hi Fennick; I have just finished reading your first chapter.
I liked this. A shade darker than most books, but with good reason. Your impeccable use of description really worked for me.
I would highlight the terrifying ordeal with the blue eyed officer. This could have been terrible but the description of the summer lakes and mountains really work well against the desperation of the situation. It highlighted rather than took away from and was very impressive.
I am not a big fan of swearing (just my own thing) but your last line is extremely powerful and very effective.
Few mistakes at all, and good technique make this hard to either criticise or offer help with. Good job.
Well done and starred for you.
RMA
The Snow Lily

A morbid peek into a sick industry that destroys lives indiscriminately. How people can settle in, and get used to even the worst of conditions, continues to baffle the mind. Survival is the stronger force, but what a price we pay.
Far too knowledgable and insightful writing about this perverse sub-culture, making me twinge, cringe and shudder. If that is my reaction, then I guess ya done a good job, eh? Peter B.