Cars & Girls

What can I say? Fucking 'Roadrunner' is awesome! All of these are (I just want to swear!) stunning examples of how it's done. Every success with the venture, and if that's a tag line for your.......company? 'Write like a girl' then that too is fucking awesome.

So sorry about the language and if you'd prefer to have the comment removed tell me and I'll try sort it and leave a less enthusiatic one. x

Sorry. No useful crit for you whatsoever. Why? Cos you got it nailed. Probably the best writing I've found here so far. I could be nitty over the odd word here or there but that would be churlish. Respect.

I read Firebird and it made me realise i need to use less words in my writing and kick in more adrenalin. Fantastic simple tricks you have to get the heart pounding. Loved it.

Great title, great choice of cars. Though me, I found more hope than despair in the stories.

I read the lot. They're good, really good. And startlingly original. Hard to imagine several authors: there's a consistency of theme, mood and voice that's quite remarkable. Top marks to the editors.

I like that they're all thrumming with understated sex, dark undercurrent and unresolved. It goes with the genre and the subject of course, but also the very American landscapes, psychological as well as physical.

I see they're published. So perhaps not much point in a crit. But I will say one or two things for your consideration in case there's to be another edit one day:
- I detected the occasional lapse in voice (an authorial intrusion into the narrative perhaps?). I don't think anyone but a young uninformed teen would describe the engine of the Merc in 500 as 'massively powerful'. It might purr or rumble or roar though, depending on the state of the exhaust system.
- a bit too much telling at times. You guys are good at action and description. More of that please!
- a few clunky backstory insertions.

Otherwise, that's about it. I look forward to reading the complete version (in one sitting!) and good luck with the sequel. I genuinely believe you've got your fingers on the pulse, the zeitgeist, here.

Wow, it’s actually quite interesting that we’re left having to imagine what Susie and her sister did to her tormentors. The narrator girl of “Crown Victoria” sure knows how to make a kill and run exciting. I was not expecting at all what she was up really to. “Roadrunner” is so sad. I’m glad the girl is finally getting her vengeance. It’s very interesting in these stories that you end the chapter just before what would be the climax. Risky in writing, though it does leave a lot for the reader to have fun imagining for themselves. I’ve read all seven chapters, and they’re all fun reads. I was wondering, do the characters in “Crown Victoria” and “Trans Am” overlap at all? Seems like they might.

I think you can write. I think you've got it goin on. But this is lazy and derivative. I know cos I've got one too. It's publishable and possibly popular but is it the best you can do? DON'T THINK SO.
best (seriously)
Ronsie

I am going to try again ....

I liked this work. Admittedly authored by 'SomeGirls'. I found the general tone well suited to the described 'fem-noir' genre and I congratulate that original concept. Each story, whether joined in progress, or as an opening to a story, instantly engenders a feeling of interest in the reader. The characters sound real as do the situations.

Well suited to a collection, such as Elmore Leonard might have written, who, as we all know, likes to 'leave out parts (of a story), that the reader tends to skip over,. Well done Evangeline ! RT

Fantastic read and a superb book to get buried in. So well done and the flow is brilliant too. If this doesnt do well then I dont know what will. Great book. Loved it.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) Please consider me for a read or watch list wont you?? Many thanks.

Very modern, fast paced, well written; and we are hooked on wondering why she has to be racing through the London streets at 5am with bodyguards. Slickly told and intriguing.
High stars.
Andrea
The de Amerley Affair
I'd appreciate a return read if you have time

This is on the YARG list so I suppose this is a YARG review although apart from 500 the extracts on here are more adult than YA.
It's a well written selection. The noir themes and tone runs through all of them. Some -500, Barracuda and Firebird feel like they might be better suited to graphic novels. Of the selection Roadrunner and Trans Am are the two I would most like to read the full text of.
It's all fun and I'd like to see more from all of these writers.
Dave

This is one of the best collections I have read...like ever. Completely in love!

Gritty. Well written and highly starred.
Well done job.
Frank

I think my favorite is TransAm. Where can I find more of this? I keep imagining these stories as kind of a Graphic Novel.

I've just read this manuscript. You're obviously going for edge and excitement, but I really liked some devices coming through in Crown Victoria and Trans Am, especially. Winona's character was tremendously charming in Trans Am, and a very refreshing introduction to that chapter. Trans Am, more than any other chapter, seemed peppered with a lot of understatement which I found quite appealing, such as "ruining the polished hardwood...." among many examples.

Though one hates to be critical, the reading public in this case found the security team in 500 rather odd- a bit more brazen than security in London usually has a reputation for- with guns out and pausing in a square to see if being followed. The security guys' tactics didn't personally strike me as very credible.

I was rather put off by Barracuda as well, as it's language was noticeably cruder than its predecessors.

Overall, though, an interesting collection. Well done and good luck.

I like girls. I like cars. I like good writing. Enough said.

I liked chapter 1 a lot. I didn't read chapter 2 because I didn't feel like starting a whole new story when just getting into the first one.

The beginning of chapter 1 is a bit vague (i.e. "searching for threats") which makes it kind of hard to put my head around the situation. The first mentioning of the bodyguards' names threw me off since they're mentioned as bodyguards and then suddenly given full names. Took me a few seconds to register these were the two bodyguards and not additional passengers.

The dialogue is crisp and it's a very plot driven story, though as a reader I wish I had a bit more about Edbrooke to go on, since at least 7 different situations came to mind as to why she would be avoiding him.

I love the character interactions though, it might just be me, I can't really sympathize with Emily who seems to have it all and flaunt it. I read on because the plot interested me, I liked the tone, and I find the locations exotic.

I don't know who wrote this chapter but it certainly is a fun read. :D

It would be cool to have someone like Quentin Tarantino merge these short stories into a full feature film somehow. Or at least this was what was in my own imagination when I read these short stories. I give you props for keeping the theme consistent.

YARG review
chapter 1 - love it. brief but to the point
chapter 2 - favorite line: "Somehow his openness made his lechery almost endearing."
- also, this is the second time in my life i've heard the term "hypermarket" and in two autho books back to back - shame on me
- "It wasn't (that) she didn't trust Adams" - I don't think you need this to be grammatically correct, but that made it flow more smoothly for me anyhow
- overall i like this story, but since it's a short one, i'm not sure all of the information is necessary... when Em is discussing her reasons for this to happen now, she adds a line about Jamie bringing his girls back to the estate... I'm not sure this is necessary, it's just another character trait for someone else we know nothing about. or is this part linked in to a future short story? if so, ignore me.
- i'd also like to know a little more about Edbrooke...
- ah i just reread the blurb... turns out this could be an excerpt which explains why i can't fill in some blanks on my own... ok ignore my whole comment. except the hypermarket thing... that part was real
chapter 3 - I liked this story too... Loretta has balls.

I'm envious of anyone who can write short stories... I really can't... I've been told I'm all info-dump and boredom... so kudos you and your friends... i'll be back to read more maybe ;-)

Jaclyn
It Never Happened

Hi
This is excellent, i have only read chapter two, but will read more soon.
I have given you maximum stars and you are on my watch list.

From
John Stearn
Author of Derilium

Yarg III review. I just read 6. It hurt. As a reader I was full of admiration. As a human being, I didnt want to think of any young person reading this, having those images presented them. Once you've lived and suffered some, perhaps a lot, yes, read this. Before adult life, is it necessary? Once images are absorbed, they can't be erased. I would rather present hope than hate. It's very good writing, but please not for ya. Lara
A RELATIVE INVASION

I followed Edentity's recommendation to this book.

Most of these stories are lean and mean, which is how I like it. Firebird and Trans Am said the most to me. Maybe because they're the most complete?

It's a real shame we can't read even one story in its entirety, but I understand why you've taken that decision. Anyway, yes, this is really good. I'm sure you'll let us know when it's free on Kindle ;)

So I decided to read Trans AM after your reply in that thread.

Whoever wrote this is brilliant, I think they'd be able to write anything and engage any reader - (if you can pass that on that'd be cool). Just the first scene alone in Chicago would be enough. As expected I don't have anything constructive to add, I was going to suggest adding it to the Dude Lit group but saw that Adam already done a review for it. All I can say is well done. Nothing I'd change or add with the story.

John

Dude Lit review:

The name of this collection of stories alone exudes an image that most men would be immediately ready for it. After reading 500, I can say that the stories themselves hold up.

Thanks for inviting me to take a look, I'll be back to read more.

Hi Evie,

Finally got around to reading this collection and enjoyed it. Very impressed.

~CoeDee

None of them noticed her thighs. They were too busy searching for threats. Just one of my highlights that got me hooked. high stars but still reading

Hi,
I really enjoyed Crown Victoria.
Some really clever story telling and a great flow, great creativity and great ending.
Didn't catch on to start with that the lead character was female - silly me! Some nice fill around the lake and the sassy little sixteen year-old, and then the action really starts.
There's a wonderful flow to this, very easy to read.

I loved the line "I head for Winona et le train" after the other girls are heading for "Paris et Le Louvre"

I found one little error "It’s isn’t in my blood and I never see the point." Easy to miss if you think you know what you've written.

Best wishes
Warrick
"Sleeping With God"

Evie,

Review of Barracuda:
Part I:
-The comma usage in the first paragraph sort of turned me off right away. Semi-colons and periods would be more appropriate in at least two separate places. Of course, I’ve said the same about Starshy. Maybe this one is yours.
-Why didn’t Jocelyn just drop her off at her house? How rude. Why make her walk?
-Huh, I’ve been through Rector, AR several times before. Not much there, that’s for sure. But I don’t know that I would call it the good ole south. MS or AL is good ole south, at least more so than NE Ark.
-Nestled in my “gut” sounds better than “guts”

Part II:
-You “grew up shooting guns”, not ‘firing guns’. Trust me on that one.
-I don’t know anybody, redneck or not, that carries a switchblade. That’s so 1980’s.
-I don’t think I would call them “privileged white boys.” Certainly not in Rector. There are no boarding school preppies there. More like ‘rednecks.’

Not too bad. I liked 500 maybe a little better, but this one took less effort to read. The words kinda fly by with a minimal amount of thinking involved. That’s good for me.

-Chris

Evie,

YARG(?) of 500.

-First thought, I get the feeling from the second line about a Mercedes that this is going to be about a 500-series Mercedes SL. However, they are (or at least used to be) two-seaters. So, that begs the question, how does she slip into the backseat?
-What’s with the random ~500~ every so often? Change of scene, so it would seem.
-About time you finally got around to explaining the 500 is a Fiat.
-I like the idea of freedom beckoning ahead all why stuck miles under the earth in an 8 mile tunnel. Nice juxtaposition.

This is probably some of the best writing I have seen on the whole site. Lots of intrigue and action. Reads like a classic thriller. It’s almost too vague, like you’re trying to make me think too hard. But I’m a simpleton who likes things neatly packaged.

One word, brilliant.
-Chris

YARG review

Your short headline is quite effective. The long headline left me wondering what this was about, but not in a way that was related to the story - I'm not sure that's a good thing. By "written by some girls" do you mean by the girls in the story, or really by you? Or by you and some friends? Are the stories related?

Interesting start to the book, chapter 1 that is. I liked it. It's a real story, I'm just wondering whether it's going to carry on or not. From the headliner, I'm wondering if that's the end of that short story. Maybe that's all there is. In which case I'm gonna be disappointed, and why would I read further? Still it's a good start to a story, it dragged me in - I'm just wondering if it leads anywhere?

Are the "~500~"s meant to indicate a change of scene or pace? mmmm. Glad to see there was a car in it in the end. I was waiting for that.

"... giving the paps a little something-something." Okay this just sounded weird to me. Didn't "get' the second something at all.

Have girls ever really worn silks? Maybe in the 1940s. Or do they wear incredibly sexy lace stockings with expensive jewel sequins?

"Which is lucky - in the circs." Okay, I got this in the end "Which is lucky - in the circumstance." But to be honest most North Americans wouldn't be able to work out what you were saying at all (I only got it because I'm an Oz, and it took me a while - lived too long in North America, I'm beginning to think like them). I like the language, but you might want to explain it so that you don't lose too much of your audience.

Minor stuff:

"... but Em decided against it." Maybe.

Should be - "It wasn't that she didn't trust Adams."

Scott Butcher

This is a great start. Your characters were 3-dimensional and well-rounded, your prose tight and detailed, your voice strong and enticing. I didn't find myself quite so hooked by the first couple of paragraphs, but once your characters really came into play, I looked forward to finding out more. Nice work.

YARG (yeah, sure, why not? we'll call it that)

Hey Evie,

I like these. Sorry it took me forever - and I still haven't finished. So busy lately...ugh.

Anyway... These are very well-written and I like them a lot. I'd say to watch out for some things getting stale. I feel like every story starts off by telling me what kind of cars people are driving. I get that it's kind of the point, but it comes off as a bit formulaic. That might just be because I'm only reading the beginning snippets, and I'm reading these back to back...dunno.

Aside from that, these are great. Very good work. I have some detailed comments, and I'll come by and finish this soon.

500
- A flash of [an] elegant thigh clad…
- Comma after “massively powerful engine”
- The image of a jet leaping forward is a bit silly. Leapt isn’t the right word for a jet’s movement.
- Hmmm…I like this. It would help to get more of sense of who Em is. I feel like right now I know that she has a lot of money and is in some sort of trouble or situation that’s very unclear right now. I didn’t feel like I saw anything of her character until the end when she changed cars. It’d be nice to get more than just her actions. This needs more character depth. Well written, though.

Barracuda
- Taking a quick break to listen to the song Barracuda. If this song gets mentioned in this story, you get extra points!
- “and her wry smirk [was] no longer visible”
- “we both got Daddy’s eyes” – “we both had” would sound more natural
- “piss poor” – hyphenate
- There is no way that headlights can light a mile ahead. Maybe somewhere between 50 to 200 yards (if the brights are on), but no further.
- I like this. It’s hard-hitting and very honest. I definitely feel the MC a lot stronger in this one.

Crown Victoria
- “You’ve must have done” Should be “You must have…”
- “off ramp” hyphenate
- “two grand [in or for] spending money” – comma after money
- Toward – no s ---- This is the true for all of these stories so far (except maybe the first); proper American spelling is without an “s” on words like toward
- No comma after “one hundred and forty”
- “home [away] from home”
- I’m stopping after the first chapter on this one. The writing is good, but it’s just not pulling me in. I don’t find the MC/narration very gripping. It’s good, just not pulling me in.

Firebird
- Comma after “TV preacher”
- GREAT car
- Comma after “glass as Europe”
- I like the “I really did use those finger quotes” line. Very clever and gets into the MC’s voice. This could use more of that. The writing is good, but so far I feel like this has mostly just been a description of the other character and of her actions. I don’t feel like I know anyone yet, but I feel like I’m supposed to at least know Dorothy by now. Not sure…

Anna-Lara

This probably won't appeal to everyone - what book does - but if you get past the back cover into the story, you'll probably enjoy it, quite possibly a lot. I found the style easy and the narrative engaging. I certainly read far more than I expected. Backed with pleasure.
Rheagan Greene - Bitter Justice (The Samurai Revival Trilogy Vol. 2)

What can I say? Fucking 'Roadrunner' is awesome! All of these are (I just want to swear!) stunning examples of how it's done. Every success with the venture, and if that's a tag line for your.......company? 'Write like a girl' then that too is fucking awesome.

So sorry about the language and if you'd prefer to have the comment removed tell me and I'll try sort it and leave a less enthusiatic one. x

I have just finished reading 500. Just purely out of interest rather than critique - I don't like that word anyway. But got to second Eden with how good the writing is here, it is actually excellent and I'm glad I made use of my spare time this evening. It flows brilliantly, straight away you get the feel for the location and whats happening and us actual characters in such a short space of time.

As there is more work on here by different people I'll have a look at the other stories over the next few days just to see what kind of mix there is. 500's style to me was similar to Redoubt which is probably one of the reasons why I was able to get into it so easily.

Keep pushing people to read this!

Sorry. No useful crit for you whatsoever. Why? Cos you got it nailed. Probably the best writing I've found here so far. I could be nitty over the odd word here or there but that would be churlish. Respect.