Book Jacket

 

rank 1050
word count 12689
date submitted 03.02.2013
date updated 04.02.2013
genres: Fiction, Historical Fiction, Scienc...
classification: universal
incomplete

SoulTran

Venkatarama S Dandibhotla

Can seemingly Utopian Neo-Cosmic era of New Americas survive with Gory prehistory of United States of America?25th century need refinement of the past...

 

A partial submission of NaNoWriWee ( A competition of writing a novel in 30 hours)
When Luster Tenn, took her first soul travel as a pre-empirical, she found that the history of United States of America from 18th century till 23rd century was filled with disdainful societies full of selfish and scornful people ruled by manipulative governments. From 21st century, the governments allowed people kill each other, in the name of religions, in the name of security and finally in the name of psychological disorders. She found that the people of her past lived, ridiculously for a few pieces of paper they called them Dollars. All in all, she hated to be born in such a Mephistophelian country. When Maharishi made her to realize the acts of BURUKAHWAH, the monstrous evil spirit infested in native Americas caused the down fall of United States, her tender soul writhed in agony and helplessness.
But when she realized that she had been chosen by chief to erase and rewrite the history in a brighter shape, she had no choice. She can't even die, because death don't exist in NeoCosimc societies?

 
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tags

american history, body ligs, british, gun laws, natives, parellel universe., romance, slave trade, soul travel, world wars

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10 comments

 

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subra_2k123 wrote 527 days ago

Hi Warrick and Vikas,

Thank you so much for reading this crap called SoulTran. I admit to you that I am a thinker, lives mostly in creative fantasy, but not a born writer. As soon as I uploaded this work, I felt like removing it and work on it. But i restrained myself from doing so, because readers like you will really polish my work. I will keep this response as a comment, until you both respond to me that you are satisfied with my edit. Once again thank you for bringing a best 'SoulTran'

venkatarama

cocavikas wrote 527 days ago

Wrote this book in 30 hours? I expected a lot more worse than what it is right now. You got a lot of grammar issues, and continuity issues ( hope that you get on these issues soon). On the positive side, 'soul travel' , 'soul ID' and body Ligs( sounds like live tattoos) . I made this check list of future, like parallel universe, time travel and all other usual Discovery channel stuff, but you crapped my mind with another concept called soul interception? Rewriting the history in better shape?. Again on negative side, I got to stop reading, go back, read again, pause and think' what the heck is this?' . You need to keep the common reader in view and explain the setting before you throw stuff on him/her. Anyway I backed this book because it is from the author of Ozonerser. I request you to follow this rule- Just hook the reader, hold him tight, and cruise him/her with you all along. I might visit this book again to see an improvement or pull it out of my shelf.

cocavikas

Warrick Mayes wrote 532 days ago

Venkatarama,

I started to read your first chapter...

I'm not too sure what's going on! Did I need to read your previous book to understand the terms, references and language?
What is a lig? In the first paragraph you have it with both a capital letter and without?

Most of the rest of my comments are to do with gramma/language. If you are trying to use a futuristic form of English to try and help set the scene, then this needs explaining too. There are also some punctuation issues, but I put this down to the nature of the job, trying to write qiuckly for the competition.

The up-shot is, I felt disconnected from the story - like it was directed to people who have either read your previous work, or have knowledge of this particular genre.

Here's what I found before I stopped reading:
"...gave her a slight but a mixed feeling of curiosity..." This feels a little lumpy. I don't think you need the second "a", try "...gave her a slight but mixed feeling of curiosity..."

With the other tense already set, this "...while their souls writhing out of ecstasy..." should probably be "...while their souls writhed out of ecstasy..." OR "...while their souls were writhing out of ecstasy..."

A similar issue here: "...moved to the farthest distance on the sleep platform yet keeping contact with their parent bodies...". How about "kept" instead of "keeping "? Also "farthest distance of the sleeping platform" feels very strange. I guess, in the future a bed will be called a sleeping platform, but the "farthest distance" might be better as "corner" or "far end" - thus "...moved to the far corner of the bed, yet kept contact with their parent bodies..."

This also feels very clunky "...for a period of seemingly eternity before Tenn’s soul embraced Sara’s communicating greetings..." and needs extra punctuation. How about "...for a period that felt like eternity, before Tenn’s soul embraced Sara’s, communicating greetings..."

"He took back a little as he saw colours changing...". "Took back" is used in a strange way. "He was taken aback a little as he saw colours changing..." might be better.

This also feels very strange: "Sara felt the urge of changing tones now." I would try "Sara felt the need to change tones now."

"...like a bunch of caterpillars on a race." should be "...like a bunch of caterpillars in a race."

"By the way, what businesses do you engage yourself..." would feel better as "By the way, what businesses are you engaged in..."

If I have completely grasped the wrong end of the stick, please forgive me. I am somewhat intrigued by the use of souls and bodies, and how this works through the story. However, the feeling of disconnect was too much.

I applaud your attempt to write at speed, but I feel this needs much more work before I can consider reading more. I read Donna's comment, and it appears that it must be me that doesn't understand.

I might come back to lok at your first book, to see what I have missed out on.

Best wishes
Warrick
"Sleeping With God"

Seringapatam wrote 518 days ago

This wasnt what I was expecting but enjoyed it none the less. Talk about a full book. It is packed with all sorts going on and loads of characters. Your descriptions do you proud and you know how to use them to create the pace and flow of this story. I like your narrative voice here and I think you could write in this genre for many years to come. Although not my cup of tea, I would read this all day long. Well done and I wish you all the luck in the world for the future and score this high.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. ( B.A.O.R) Please consider me for a read or watch list wont you?? Many thanks. Sean

Jaclyn Aurore wrote 523 days ago

SoulTran
read entire uploaded chapters 1-5

As you said this is an unpolished, quickly thrown together piece of work.... But mad respect for participating in NaNoWriWee!
i found it hard enough to do 50k words in the month of Nov, how you did this in 30 hours is impressive.

the story is unique and challenging... it's not my normal genre, but i read through it, so that's saying something :)

all the best with this
Jaclyn x
My Life Without Me

amadeusandy wrote 523 days ago

Read some - it is obvious it was a fast write.. BUT IT IS GOOD!
You got something here and if you ask me you should patch it up, polish it and complete it. Your story twists with our idea of the world and life. Wicked!
Keep it up!

amadeusandy wrote 523 days ago

Read some - it is obvious it was a fast write.. BUT IT IS GOOD!
You got something here and if you ask me you should patch it up, polish it and complete it. Your story twists with our idea of the world and life. Wicked!
Keep it up!

subra_2k123 wrote 527 days ago

Hi Warrick and Vikas,

Thank you so much for reading this crap called SoulTran. I admit to you that I am a thinker, lives mostly in creative fantasy, but not a born writer. As soon as I uploaded this work, I felt like removing it and work on it. But i restrained myself from doing so, because readers like you will really polish my work. I will keep this response as a comment, until you both respond to me that you are satisfied with my edit. Once again thank you for bringing a best 'SoulTran'

venkatarama

cocavikas wrote 527 days ago

Wrote this book in 30 hours? I expected a lot more worse than what it is right now. You got a lot of grammar issues, and continuity issues ( hope that you get on these issues soon). On the positive side, 'soul travel' , 'soul ID' and body Ligs( sounds like live tattoos) . I made this check list of future, like parallel universe, time travel and all other usual Discovery channel stuff, but you crapped my mind with another concept called soul interception? Rewriting the history in better shape?. Again on negative side, I got to stop reading, go back, read again, pause and think' what the heck is this?' . You need to keep the common reader in view and explain the setting before you throw stuff on him/her. Anyway I backed this book because it is from the author of Ozonerser. I request you to follow this rule- Just hook the reader, hold him tight, and cruise him/her with you all along. I might visit this book again to see an improvement or pull it out of my shelf.

cocavikas

Warrick Mayes wrote 532 days ago

Venkatarama,

I started to read your first chapter...

I'm not too sure what's going on! Did I need to read your previous book to understand the terms, references and language?
What is a lig? In the first paragraph you have it with both a capital letter and without?

Most of the rest of my comments are to do with gramma/language. If you are trying to use a futuristic form of English to try and help set the scene, then this needs explaining too. There are also some punctuation issues, but I put this down to the nature of the job, trying to write qiuckly for the competition.

The up-shot is, I felt disconnected from the story - like it was directed to people who have either read your previous work, or have knowledge of this particular genre.

Here's what I found before I stopped reading:
"...gave her a slight but a mixed feeling of curiosity..." This feels a little lumpy. I don't think you need the second "a", try "...gave her a slight but mixed feeling of curiosity..."

With the other tense already set, this "...while their souls writhing out of ecstasy..." should probably be "...while their souls writhed out of ecstasy..." OR "...while their souls were writhing out of ecstasy..."

A similar issue here: "...moved to the farthest distance on the sleep platform yet keeping contact with their parent bodies...". How about "kept" instead of "keeping "? Also "farthest distance of the sleeping platform" feels very strange. I guess, in the future a bed will be called a sleeping platform, but the "farthest distance" might be better as "corner" or "far end" - thus "...moved to the far corner of the bed, yet kept contact with their parent bodies..."

This also feels very clunky "...for a period of seemingly eternity before Tenn’s soul embraced Sara’s communicating greetings..." and needs extra punctuation. How about "...for a period that felt like eternity, before Tenn’s soul embraced Sara’s, communicating greetings..."

"He took back a little as he saw colours changing...". "Took back" is used in a strange way. "He was taken aback a little as he saw colours changing..." might be better.

This also feels very strange: "Sara felt the urge of changing tones now." I would try "Sara felt the need to change tones now."

"...like a bunch of caterpillars on a race." should be "...like a bunch of caterpillars in a race."

"By the way, what businesses do you engage yourself..." would feel better as "By the way, what businesses are you engaged in..."

If I have completely grasped the wrong end of the stick, please forgive me. I am somewhat intrigued by the use of souls and bodies, and how this works through the story. However, the feeling of disconnect was too much.

I applaud your attempt to write at speed, but I feel this needs much more work before I can consider reading more. I read Donna's comment, and it appears that it must be me that doesn't understand.

I might come back to lok at your first book, to see what I have missed out on.

Best wishes
Warrick
"Sleeping With God"

D. S. Hale wrote 533 days ago

Your story is imaginative and your writing carries the story so that it is believable, as if totally possible! I immediately cared about Mr. Tenn and his daughter. Soul Tran is a must read and you wrote it in a weekend! You have talent that most writers only dream of having! Soul Tran is will make it to desk, just like your first book. 6 stars and on my WL. It will go on my shelf next month! Great job, Ven, I really admire your skill and talent in weaving these fantastic stories.

Sincerely,
Donna
Jessup and the Teleporter

Sid-bh wrote 534 days ago

Another Great creation from the creative author. backed and starred with pleasure

Padmavathi wrote 534 days ago

Soul Travel!, Body Ligs!! re writing history from a parallel world!!!. The writer takes readers to a sky diving.(Buckle up:)
And the story goes so realistic, that you may see how silly is the world we are living now.
Highly starred and backed with pleasure.

padmavathi

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