Lying About Sarah

I finished reading the full manuscript at three-thirty in the morning and lay awake for an hour thinking about it.

Lying About Sarah isn't perfect. It's better than that.

It’s easy to recognise when writing is truly brilliant because you find yourself being jumped off the page frequently by the wish that you had written what you’re reading. Lying about Sarah was like a trampoline of such moments. I take my hat off to you Lucy. This is utterly fabulous. Should without question be Rachel’s next one to watch and I hope you’ve at least got an agent because that’s the very least you deserve. Masterful writing made to look effortless. The tone and choreography evoke a thrilling harmony. It’s sassy and witty and wise and tender. Most of all it flows and pulses with compelling urgency. I give it seven stars.

YARG Review

It's all starting to come together...and then you stopped posting chapters! Not fair, lol.

You have some very beautifully written lines. I really like:
"It's a lie that sits in the pulp of our teeth" and
"...painted scenery behind the stage of our lives."

I need a few clarifications:
Chapter 6 - "I have better days that I'm unwilling to admit" - should this read 'I have better days (than) I'm (willing) to admit' or
does she not mind admitting that she has better days?

Chapter 8 -The line about having a farmers husband is confusing; I don't see any other comments on it so maybe its just me but I feel like Clare...I don't know what you mean.
Also, in this chapter, "We've called him Claret," she's only six yet she's worked it out. Really? It seems pretty cryptic to me, how would a six year old get it?

Chapter 9 - "Not really." Not answering. Saying 'not really' is answering. It isn't revealing anything though.

Chapter 10 - "It's nice in here. Homely" did you mean homely or homey?

Perhaps these are all intentional and it's just all over my head lol. If that's the case maybe you'd take a moment to explain it to me :-)



Laura
Journey to Kokoroe

THIS IS A REVIEW (YA OR OTHERWISE)

"Chopin and his classmates at the Warsaw Conservatory, after hours."

That happy little scene was conjured for me the day I finished reading Lying About Sarah. The conjurer was the stentorian narrator of a program on CD that is intended to educate middle-schoolers about the great composers of the western world. I had finished with Tchaicovsky and (never having surpassed the average middle-schooler) was learning about Chopin on my commute. The narrator described how a teenaged Chopin and his fellow music students would get together after class, play their compositions for one another, then sit until late at night, discussing one another’s work over whatever libations were on offer to music students in Warsaw in the 1820s.

What does this have to do with Lying About Sarah you ask?

Partly I am taking a leaf from the book. Lying About Sarah (“LAS” hereafter) is wonderfully, deeply oblique.

The reader learns in the first few paragraphs that some a shattering disaster hath smote the Gilbert family and that the brunt of the blow was borne by the three children: Matthew, Sarah, and the narrator, Claire. Sarah has not survived this cataclysm. Claire is irretrievably damaged (at least physically) and Matthew also (at least emotionally). Mother: gone (where?). Father: dead (how?).

Matthew and Claire persist. As the book opens they are 20-somethings comprising a kind of fun-house mirror couple. Claire shelters in the disability accommodation, the “granny annex” that her Doctor father tacked onto the main Gilbert house for her, post disaster (and before he died, obviously). Claire goes nowhere. She sees almost no one. Her mind goes wandering, but her broken body stays put.

"There is a clock on the wall and I try not to stare at it. It’s Sunday night, Tuesday afternoon, ten to four, midnight or quarter past. It’s summer and it’s light in the evenings or it’s nearly Christmas and it’s not. It might be tomorrow already or lunchtime in an hour but it doesn’t make any difference. The hands turn and I try not to watch them."

Matthew, having been released from prison (crime not specified), occupies the main house. He looks after his sister carefully, although with his drinking, his criminal record, and her vulnerability we are all a bit uneasy for Claire's safety.

We get the feeling that things can’t go on like this forever and, we learn, early on that Matthew and Claire are kicking around a plan for a change. They are considering, in a desultory way, whether they should sell the house The House of Gilbert (“It’s a place to raise a family. It’s a place to ruin a family.”) Neither of them is really ready for this step, or sure that they want to take it, but the dithering ends when their mother shows up, for the first time in ten years. Mrs. Gilbert is ready to care again.

Or maybe not. Maybe just needing some money.

So what happened that was so terrible? In the middle we are given a few answers, but those are lies, or perhaps better, stories that Claire tells herself and us. In the end (I asked Lucy to send me the whole thing, I was so taken with the sample chapters here) we get an answer, the real one, it seems – at least on one level. (This answer is to be taken with a grain of salt, the way the riddle of "Rosebud" is solved at last in _Citizen Kane_).

My lips are now sealed on further plot points. I’ll add only that some new important characters come in later. One of them, Gemma, a friend-of-a-friend, is an unlikely (and for that reason greatly to be praised) Polly Anna. Claire’s formidable intelligence is a lock that has proved too complicated for her mother or Matthew or any helper or do-gooder to pick. Gemma barges past Claire’s defenses and finds a back way through to her. There is hope for Claire and Matthew, and maybe some truth, in the end.

As I suppose must be obvious by now, I am filled with admiration for this book. There are many reasons. Let’s start with one that is fundamental to it all. Lucy has told the story with almost no exposition. Writers are admonished again and again “SHOW- DON’T TELL.” But showing is hard and telling is easy.

In LAS, a character says a certain thing, does a certain thing, and is in that way revealed. There is not one paragraph that fixes any of these complicated characters on a simple pin. For example, The Runaway Mother, fails to bring a cake to Claire on her birthday. She is regretful, but Claire and Matthew establish that no cake was wanted or expected. Mother says:

“I always thought, even when you were tiny, that when you were eighteen, Claire, and Sarah was twenty-one, we’d have the biggest celebration.”

And Claire thinks (to herself, of course).

"That’s a lovely, lovely thought. It’d have been a year early for Sarah or a year late for me, of course, because we were only two years apart, but what a lovely thought for our attentive mother to have carried with her for so long."

That kind of thing, a very spare scene, with a tiny bit of a dialogue, manages to do a huge amount of work in developing these characters. Let us all remove our hats.

I also loved the way the story is revealed in bits. It’s like we start with a clean sheet of paper that’s been laid over a confusedly engraved brass. Claire rubs the paper here, then there, and a picture emerges slowly – we think we know what shape is taking form, but maybe not. You have to keep staring.

Of course, this telling of all the truth, but telling it slant (to paraphrase Emily Dickinson) places real demands on the reader. This is not an easy book. Don’t mistake that for a criticism Someone famous once said, “the audience will love you forever if you allow them to conclude that two plus two equals four”? LAS presents more complicated equations than that. You won’t mind, though, at least if you have the goods to read this book, because this difficulty is precisely what some of us are seeking. Also, and this is my other favorite thing about it, Claire (like her creator) is a poet. Almost every paragraph is a little origami wonder. Like this:

"Matt is sitting on my bed, wide-eyed and pale. He’s wearing a coat over his pyjamas like a little boy about to be taken to see Christmas lights. I can hardly keep track of our roles. I reach out and press the back of his hand with the back of mine. He pulls his away, we don’t touch unless it’s for me. I need to stop breaking the rules."

I was left agog over and over by these bright little revelations, as well as by the acute psychological observations that Claire makes of herself and others. Claire leaps back and forth from the present to her childhood and the childhood scenes, particularly the scenes involving the stories told at school assemblies by a prevaricating headmaster (surely unemployable today) whose whoppers made such an impression on little Claire.

Getting back to Chopin, Lucy is a top authonomy contributor. She is good at authonomy, but unlike most of the rest of us (let it be said), she is also blessed with a real literary gift. Where are the students of the Warsaw Conservatory of Chopin’s day? (Quick class, name two famous Polish composers of classical music!)

Lucy and I have become pen friends now and I am sure she has too much modesty and good sense to want to be compared to Chopin, but the metaphor holds. A lot of people with similar interests can hang out together and talk about those interests and share notes, and the collegiality is nice and all, but the gifts have not been evenly distributed.

YARG

Chapter 3 - It's interesting how you are revealing the story in bits and pieces. I get a clear indication of what the characters are like in this chapter...I sure would like to know what happened to them.

Chapter 4 - Still a lot of reading between the lines...it's a creative technique to get readers turning pages.

Chapter 5 - I like the stories from the grandparents.

You have a very unique way of telling your story. I do find the fracture style of writing may be off putting for some readers so could be a hard sell.

Laura

YARG Review

Lucy,

I have to admit I felt uneasy and disjointed when i began your story - this is probably your intent. That said, the message in the first half of chapter one is really strong. I like the line about being stuck through a corkboard but I would personally drop the word stomach as it's implied and allows the reader to visualize how the children would be posted.
The other thought I have about the first portion is the repetition in lying about Sarah. Since that's the name of the book the reader knows who she is without being told, it just seems redundant (especially after reading the prologue right before).


Once I was into the second part of the first chapter I found the development of the characters intriguing. The last few lines had me wanting to know more.
In the next chapter I liked how you told the story. The way you flipped back from the class to Clair's weekend was smooth and effective. I totally understood Mr. Karr telling everyone about his weekend because It was important to him (and people do this all the time) however, since he's addressing a class I kind of expected some moral or excuse as to why he thought his completely inappropriate story was appropriate.

I realize that once I read more chapters and see the bigger picture I may discover your intention for doing any of the above but I thought I'd give you my initial thoughts.

Overall I'm looking forward to discovering where your story leads.

Laura
Journey to Kokoroe

I just finished reading all ten of these chapters. Holy moly, you can write!

There were just so many things about this I loved...I'm not even sure where to start. Your characters and dialogue are true and believable. Lots of lovely metaphors and language play that kept me engaged and on my toes as a reader. I also really enjoyed the narrative perspective changes, moving back and forth from Claire post-accident to Claire as a child - it seems like a great way to bring important details from the past and present to light so that we as readers can recognize their importance. And I also love how you reveal these important details slowly--your writing requires a careful reader, but in a way that's rewarding rather than simply demanding.

High stars, and have added to my shelf. I really look forward to reading more of this.

YARG Review -

Hi, Lucy.
I just read all ten chapters. I hadn't planned to read all ten, but I couldn't stop scrolling. You have a wonderful way of saying a lot with a few words. Your pitch is concise and thought-provoking. I love the way the story unfolds. I took notes on each chapter, but in looking over my notes, everything is positive, so I'll just tell you the things that stood out for me.

I loved the line, "This isn't my life, it's just the one I'm living." I think many people can identify with that sentiment, but few would be able to articulate it quite so eloquently. In Chapter 1, I found myself looking for clues as to where Claire was. At first it sounded like a hospital or a rehab facility. By the time I realized that she is at home, I had a great picture in my head of what her room looks like. Well done.

I enjoyed the way Claire's and Matt's personalities were revealed slowly. We get a chance to savor each detail. Sometimes when too much information is dumped on the reader in a story, it is hard to sort it all out. A picture of what Claire's life is like is painted for us slowly. My empathy for her expanded with each chapter. I also found Matt to be very endearing. Things really get interesting when their mother comes. I want to know what happens next.

Any chance you'll be posting more? I love it. Great writing. Great book. Full stars.
Best wishes,
Sara

HI Lucy
I've read the first 4 chapters of this. Eye-catching title.

Chapter 1
I like the suggested opening of the Gilbert children being photographed with a caption.
'It isn't my life, it's just the one I'm living' - love this line, simple but highly emotive.
This opening chapter raises lots of questions which leave the reader no choice to turn the page.

I like Claire's voice. There is a bluntness to it which gives it a raw edge.

Chapter 2
I liked the school memories, especially those of touch and smell.
'The edge of a smell, our first clue of lunch.' Liked this.
The innocence and simplicity of Claire's voice makes this believeable.

Chapter 3
'The Gilbert Kids ... ' There is a strong theme of the Gilbert Kids being a united front, that the outside world sees them as a unit rather than indiividuals.
I like the relationship between Claire and Matt. He is obviously the one looking after her - there is a tenderness and quiet understanding in their actions and dialogue. I thought the fact she referred to him as a 'husband' was a clever touch as he is carrying out a role that is not sterotypical of a brother/sister.
Claire's thoughts on what Sarah might be doing had she lived are so sad. I got a strong feeling of her sense of loss not only of her sister at the time she died but of the what their futures might have been like.
And those elusive parents - I like the way you drip-feed information about them.

Chapter 4
'The Gilberts don't need anything from anyone.' That united front again.
I found the fact that Claire sees herself as Matt's 'job' rather than his sister really sad. There is a heaviness to the text here that is riddled with underlying emotion.
By having Claire tell the story keeps this from being over-written on the 'emotion' front. The fact that she appears to have no self-pity in these chapters makes her situation all the more tragic.

I will read more when I have time but I really like the style of writing and the voice to this. The text is uncomplicated but all the more powerful for that.

The one thing I found lacking was that I have no idea what Claire looks like. There's a good description of Matt early on and a description of Claire's room. Maybe it's just me, but perhaps a glance in the mirror or something just to give a brief visual.

A compelling read,
Top stars and will find a spot on my shelf by the end of the month.
Debbie

Hi Lucy, I hope that everything is going with your writing and that you have been getting back some good and honest feedback. However, I would appreciate it you could have a look at my book Peering through the past the museum of hurt, I have had a very good message so far and your comments would certainly help. Thanks a lot Beverley-Rose

Really nice. I usually take notes, but I honestly don't have anything to add. It's amazing and makes me want to burn everything I've ever written. I did jot down a few things that really aren't of much importance, but were places that I had to stop for a sec.

chpt1
Jug of warm lemon squash must be a UK thing. Sounds horrible.

chpt2
A chair that had been scraped in front of us. Scraped threw me. I was trying to figure out why he would scrape the chair. I finally took it to mean he'd pushed it across the floor as in scraped across the floor.

Matthew was the further back. I imagine this is proper English, but it read weird to me. Probably because I am improper.

chpt 4
I didn't understand what made Matt and Claire like the miners. Is it because they're closed off, hidden?
I really like the line that they weren't trying not to leave marks, but as you say, that made them unlike the miners.

‘Lying about Sarah’

Wow, Lucy. This story is amazing. I had planned to do housework, but I ended up very distracted by your brilliance.

At first, I was a little confused, and curious, wondering what was going on, but as I read on, I began to understand. The point of view from a child is practically perfect. I feel her uneasiness, the curiosity and the uncertainty.

Again, I found myself jumping from childhood to what I’m guessing is her now as an adult, and getting a little lost.
There is a small grammar issue, for instance – (He wasn’t telling me if it was important the control was mine) had me reading it again. There may need to be a comma there.

The characters are brilliant, highly believable. I love how you learnt about what happened through Claire’s thoughts, without giving too much away. It’s very much a case of showing, which is what the audience prefers.

I’m going to add this wonderful read to my shelf.

Kind regards
Laura

Lying about Sarah - YARG review attempt (still new at this)

Plot - A lttle jumpy for me, but once it gets going it is very good.

Pacing - Pacing is good, but not that easy to follow

Characters/Characterization - Still working on that, the plot jumps, making characters harder to follow, but they are easy to picture

Point of view/Voice - Choppy, but I think that might be on purpose

Style - First person, from multiple points of view, it takes a few chapters to get a feel for the story and characters

Sentence Level - Easy to read, words seem to be appropriate to characters

Originality - Very, though I am not that far into the story, it looks like there are a lot of possibilities for twists and turns.

Publishability - This is a very good story, though I think it needs to be smoothed up just a little. This coming from someone who doesn't read as much as I should, so it is probably more about my reading than the writing.

Other - Great story that is very interesting – I have really enjoyed it so far. I look forward to continuing to read.

A great read. This novel needs to be published. Now on my shelf.

YARG review

My very first review on Authonomy! I am excited for myself :)

Lucy, normally this is not the kind of story I go for because I am an emotional little thing and your characters’ predicament did break my tiny heart (pathetic I know). But I cannot fault the writing or the storytelling or indeed very much at all. So I will just concentrate on a few things that really stand out for me, plus a few points for your consideration:

First of all a very compelling title. Caught my attention immediately.

The writing is phenomenal. You can convey so much with so few words, which makes it a very immediate, effective read. Like when you say ‘Matt did wrong and I am wrong’ or ‘this isn't my life, it’s just the one I am living’ or ‘this is Claire’s life’. You make it look so easy too, but I know it’s not!

I love the contrast between Claire’s voice as an adult and as a child. I know technically it’s just one voice; but to me Claire as a child stands alone as her own character rather than just a memory brought back by her adult self. She paints a vivid picture of the world through her child eyes, like her perception of what it’s like to be a wife, her understanding of insurance or the fact that she worried she would starve on the dinghy because she didn't know how to catch fish and she didn't like eating it (this last bit in particular kind of melted my heart. Awww!!!!).

Claire’s pain feels so real. The details about being bed-bound, the way the mind unravels, the way she thinks of her own limbs as if they were someone else’s, her fantasizing about the life she would have had. Just so real.

I like how you use her memories to build suspense in the story, like at the end of chapter 7 when we find out that their mother is back but then we are sent in the past again. I like it even though it is slightly infuriating, but in a good way.

Matt is an endearing character. I find myself rooting for him and I hope to hear more about him in the rest of the book.

I really want to know about the accident and what the Gilbert children did. The mystery is very intriguing.

And here are some points for your consideration:

I had to do a little mental maths to work out Claire’s age, and that was quite late in the story anyway (chapter 10 indicates that Matt is not even thirty and then I had to go back at the beginning to check the age gap between Matt and Claire again). Also I don’t know anything about what she looks like apart from the fact that she is tall with skinny arms. This does not take anything away from the story, but I quite like to get a mental picture of the characters and in particular I found myself guessing about Claire’s age a few times.

I like that you ended chapter 9 on a positive note. However at the moment the overall tone of the book is so very grim. Introducing more light will make the shadows deeper, otherwise our eyes will just get used to the dark, if you know what I mean.

Also, is this YA? The overall tone feels more adult to me? Mostly because the narrating voice feels so mature. She is not going through the self-discovery/character arc I would expect from a YA novel. She has a strong hindsight into her own life, the kind that I would expect from someone who went through all the turning points already, although given her story I guess that’s not that surprising.

Lucy, I think you have a great book here. To me what will make or break the story will be the final pay off, the Big Reveal when we eventually find out what the Gilbert kids did and what happened to Sarah. We are all guessing and the important thing is that a) we don’t see it coming and b) when we finally find out, the power of that reveal will be worth the build up to it. I see that you list The Night Watch as one of your favourite books. I like Duncan’s story as a perfect examples of this. The story hints at something terrible that has happened. This reader had her hypotheses of course – some of which were pretty gruesome – but when the reveal happened it was still so shocking and told in such a moving way it was impossible not to be touched quite deeply by it.

Best of luck with it!

Laura

Great writing, interesting architecture.

I was hooked by the pitch and wasn't disappointed, this is a wonderful story. The atmosphere and pace is just right. I was intrigued to know what the secret is and will certainly read more of your book, so for now high stars and on my W/L Karen A Touch of France.

Lucy,

Obviously, this is a subjective opinion based on only one chapter: I thought your writing voice was strong and clear but there is a tendency for the paragraphs to float around like little islands. This is good for getting us into the mental state of the main character but I don't think a reader could put up with it for long.

I like all the insinuations that the Gilberts are 'this' and they 'don't do that'. It's witty and gives the narrator the kind of 'involved in the plot' narcissism that people enjoy. My only problem is that the characters don't seem so 'out there' yet. There's plenty of interesting reflections but only promises of plot and character without any plot and character. You're obviously a good writer and you've structured it this way for a reason but I want a taste of fiction in a first chapter, not a tease.

Thanks

Matt

I don't often sign in to the site but I had to come online to say how much I enjoyed this book. I read all three chapters and I was really blown away by it.

Will we be lucky enough to see any more?

Lucy. (I've only read two chapters, so take this comment as a light hearted view)

I loved this, the premise is upbeat and original, and your writing voice is strong. I do think that the plot lacks a sense of time and place. ie. Are we in London, Liverpool or New York. How many years does Chapter One precede Chapter Two. At the moment the reader will automatically place your characters in time themselves. So for me Sarah, Matt and Claire are growing up in the 70's. I'm also assuming they are top-end middle class as they use the term 'father' as opposed to 'dad' . . .If I'm wrong on both counts then its down to you, if I'm right its because I guessed, either way I think you should tighten this up. If you do this later on in the story then it still isn't good enough. Ebook readers download a free sample, and so your opening needs to have more punch than Mike Tyson. Bullet point headings would do, if you are loathe to change the text. At the moment its like sitting in the theatre, the curtain goes up and there are no props on the stage, ( do you know what I mean).

ie. GIlbert family home. Whitechapel, London 1949 (tells me everything, I'm immediately in the heart of the story and on the cobbles of the East End).

Is Auntie April's death meaningful ? If so tell me which parent she relates to and what she died of. It she does not come back into the story then delete this , because at the moment the reader is holding onto a thread of information on a character that may or may not be of consequence.

I'm not sure I'm with you on the prologue.. I think it would have more punch if you dropped a massive if confusing hint as to what did happen to Sarah. The master of suspense Martina Cole is very good at this. In one particular book she opens with the death of a child being confirmed when the body is found. Chapter one goes back three years to when the child was alive. You find yourself striving to learn what happened to her. The prologue had catapulted my minds eye to a part in the story that I was racing to get to. I am not suggesting that you copy Martina Cole or that you tell us if Sarah is dead. I just think that your literary skills are better than your prologue, you could do a better job of it.

Also in the prologue you mention the brother but don't name him as Matthew....A few lines later you bring in the name Matthew. An editor will tell you to introduce and name him at the same time so that the reader is certain that you are identifying the same character and only doing so once. This is something you should always do when you bring in a new player,

I think you have a smashing book here, and wish you the best of luck with it. Let me know by all means if you think I'm talking a load of rubbish.

What a stunning piece of writing.

The fragmented quality of the narration has the exact consistency of memories being recollected. Also the string of loosely connected images and sensations makes the book read like an extended poem.

My only issue with this is that it distances the reader from the characters somewhat, although I found myself warming to Matt and Claire a little more when they had to confront their mother.

Oh, and I'm obviously desperate to know exactly what the lie is!

Some of my favourite moments included:
Claire musing about how, when she reached a certain age, it made her and her deceased sister almost like twins, and how strange it felt to subsequently 'overtake' Sarah.
The idea of the garden being "a place to raise a family. A place to ruin a family" was lovely.
The part about every cell in the body being replaced over seven years and how it was comforting to think that nothing of Claire from the time of Sarah's accident remained was an intelligent and moving idea.
The descriptions of Claire's mother - how her features are unremarkable and indistinct but she becomes recognisable when she moves "like a cat".

Six stars and a place on the shelf.

Rachel
The Diver's Brilliant Bow

Hello Lucy,
YARG review / return read,

I have read the ten chapters you have posted.
I normally only read SF and fantasy and avoid this sort of thing like the plague, on account of it being a bit too painful emotionally, but, having said that, I don't regret reading this.
Now brace yourself, here is an attempt at a review of real literature by a SF nerd (feel free to totally ignore):

Chapter One:
Great first line, but then it gets a bit difficult - too obscure for my little brain to quite understand. This will be challenging for youngsters, not sure it is really YA, seems more adult in style.
There seems to be no plot, so you are relying on our interest in the characters and what has happened to them to keep us reading. For me, you introduce too many unanswered questions and I can't quite get what you are trying to tell me about your characters. However, your accomplished writing and interesting prose is just (barely) enough to make me read on.

Chapter 2:
Is this the past? Ah, yes, it must be. How old is she here? Not quite sure. An indication of dates would be nice.
Mr Kerr's story about broken glass - odd.
Not sure what the point of this chapter is except that it indicates marital problems in the Gilbert household.
Still no sign of a plot *sigh*

Chapter 3:
I like this chapter better than 1 and 2, probably because it is a little more revealing about the main characters.
Finally a clue re. accident and Sarah.
Am still rather confused about what happened to the parents, but this is probably me being slow on the up-take.

Chapter 4:
I'm starting to get over the lack of a clear plot and accepting that this might just be a good story, anyway.
Best chapter so far. Seems like you are in your element here, dealing with relationships.
Some real gems here.
Snow over the sea metaphor - good.
"I answered them with booby-traps" - like this.
"respite is like contraindication, like care plan and psychosomatic" - oh, this is very good.
"my legs jerk and I correct other people's grammar in my head" ha! excellent.
I like that she doesn't know whether Matt likes girls or boys - good touch.
"she didn't come back when we lied about Sarah" is this finally the hint of a plot? what do the siblings know about the death of their sister? I confess to being slightly intrigued.
Claire's (partially self-imposed) insularity is really pulling at my heart in this chapter.

Chapter 5:
No, you lost me here. Is there a point to this?
Lucky its a short chapter, can go on to next.

Chapter 6:
Oh, I see, Matt drinks, just like his father. Now I feel really stupid, not having picked up on the obvious clues with the bottles and the shaking legs. But thanks for clarifying.
It's also good to finally know a bit more about Claire's disability. It's not enough, but I guess that's how you hook us.
You've made me slightly curious about what happened during their teenage years.
I'm just hanging in there still hoping to find out what the lies were about Sarah.
Love the last line "I don't want to lie anymore" as it is giving me hope - maybe she can change. She must have got under my skin.

Chapter 7:
Yes, I like this one. And something happened - that's good.

Chapter 8:
Oh, no, not Mr Kerr again.
Ah, that's all right, it's reminiscences with Sarah in. Good.
Hmm... losing my patience with Claire here. So she wanted a dog but never got one. Get over it.

Chapter 9:
So sweet, I cried.
Now look what you've done.

Chapter 10:
You're on good form here. Relationships again.
Ouch! You're so sharp, I think I'm bleeding.

And then it stops *sigh*
You are so cruel, you know. Now I'm going to have Claire popping into my head at odd moments throughout my life. And I will forever see relationships in terms of snow on the sea. I might have to buy your book when its published to see what happens and its not my genre at all.

High stars, well -deserved.

Fiona Haven
Falling Upwards

Hi Lucy.

I've read the first few chapters of your novel since you kindly read and commented on mine. I must admit that this really isn't my thing - I'm more a fan of fantasy/horror/sci-fi than real-life fiction.

From the first three chapters, I don't really have anything to critique. It's very well written and incredibly detailed. In fact, that might be the little flaw that I pick at it. My personal preference is that less is more. I like ambiguity as it leaves the reader space to fill in the blanks with their own imagination. Because of this I couldn't really find a hook in the first chapter, as it spends many paragraphs describing one character. I think this is mainly, however, due to my own background in fantasy and appreciate that real-life fiction is probably structured very differently.

Anyhow, I have rated. Best of luck to you.

Separately, a couple of small things.

Marketing Coordinator doesn’t need to be hyphenated. In a real work title it certainly wouldn't (in the US anyway.)

‘She’ll have known what happened to Sarah…’ – I’m open, but I think it might read more smoothly as ‘She’d have known’

On the 10 chapters posted:

The terrifying 10,268-word study of a (metaphorical) time-bomb – you know it’s going to explode, you just don’t know when or how much ghastly the damage will be.

Wonderful to have to read slowly and deliberately, but the chapters race by - it maintains enormous tension, alongside new revelations of sadness, bitterness, cynicism, separation and appalling dysfunction.

I tried to think who this reminded me of, and the closest I came was John Banfield in a black mood. Backed, all available stars, would buy this for sure.

As this develops, I hope that we get some glimmers of hope – even if they are repeatedly destroyed.

TSWS
The Theory Of My Wonders

I have provided my thoughts when reading your story:
I like the pitch – simple and easily accessible.
It changes from third person to first? ‘The Gilbert Kids…’ becomes ‘We…’
Immediate mystery about Sarah – this pitch reminds me of Robert Swindells’ ‘Abomination’ – have you read it?
Suspense is used naturally: through the title, the introduction (C1) Love the first description of Sarah as ‘truant hearted’
Minor: ‘stuck to a cork board’?
Could ‘there was my brother Matthew’ be used? I had to go back to check who Matthew was.
Love the sinister ending to the first section – last line and I think you are creating a realistically, probably unreliable narrator, convincingly.
I wasn’t sure what the descriptions beginning ‘For Matthew a compulsion (…) mother stepped aside’ but that might just be me!
Love the reference to how time doesn’t matter; doesn’t affect her. You subtly give away that she is female through her jewellery – could her age be subtler? I also presumed that the protagonist would be YA for a YA audience.
Excellent line: ‘This isn’t my life…’ I want to know who she is, what she has done, why she is in a separate room to the rest of the house? You use subtle hints about the tragic family past well.
I am wondering: is she in a wheel chair? Paraplegic?
Chapter 2
Primary school room description – have we gone back in time!
Like the ‘clue about lunch’ line
‘Matthew was further back’?
Is there deliberately no question mark when the Head asks: what did you do at the weekend. Also I wasn’t sure what ‘Not a Monday morning question to another teacher’ meant?
Maybe you could take a look at this section as I also wasn’t clear about whether the transition to Saturday was going to be from the perspective of the Head’s or the narrator’s.
I was also confused about what was going on with dad’s bureau and Auntie April’s funeral? It only became clear that mum had thrown the drawer when dad says it the second time. In the mean time I was getting frustrated and had to go back!
Chapter 3
Clearly establishes that we are back in the present – I think that juxtaposing the past with the present as the story develops would work with this – and that it what you might be doing.
Great line about the tablets.
Clues like ‘In the six months were we’re gone…’ and ‘if the accident hadn’t happened’ are effective.
Chapter 4
I like your ‘show not tell’ style such as the reference to the father and his bottles in the garage.
‘They looked at me like I was a puzzle to be solved’ – this feels like the story too. Perhaps this line could form part of the blurb!
‘It’s a place to raise a family. A place to ruin a family’ – great line.
I feel that at this stage reading the earlier chapters was a challenge in terms of not having the ‘whole picture’ but this is the most powerful chapter yet – you drip feed the reader and the reader then enters this world.
Chapter 5
I get the impression that the children are in assembly here with Mr. Kerr. Another person has commented about why would the brothers and sisters be in the same room if they are different ages, but I imagined an assembly? – Confirmed at the end of the Chapter!
Overall, I really like the way that the story makes you think, guess and wonder. I think that it would be targeted towards the older end of YA for this reason.

I don't know what else to say other than Wow. Seriously. Blown away. Wish I could offer you more than that. I'm simply, utterly, and completely in love with this book.

Hi Lucy- "Lying About Sarah" is a polished piece of writing. I read the first ten chapters and found it to be thought-provoking. The narrative is consistent, the prose clever, and the characters striking. It is dark, clearly, and my only criticism is the lack of any apparent prospect for Claire and Matthew to escape the dystopian world in which you have trapped them.

"He moved his head from side to side like a cat seeing itself in the mirror for the first time." - Very nice.

Isn't it something, how people who die no longer age? Before we know it, we are older than them. Older than how we remember them. It can, indeed, be disconcerting.

I think you use too many contractions. Your writing, which I will describe as haunting, might be hauntingly beautiful without them.

"Snow over the sea." - Very good. This is a provocative description of a marriage, of a family. "We try not to have an effect on anything... not wanting to leave a mark." Wow. This is just so very good and also so very depressing. What happened to these people? What kind of accident destroys all hope? And just what did Matthew do? "It's the lie that sits in the pulp of our teeth."

You have a wonderful way with words. It is modernist, of course, using everyday experiences as the inspiration for a deep, introspective style. I like it a great deal.

It is interesting, the way you use Mr. Kerr as a constant- a landmark that draws us into Claire's childhood reminiscence. It is effective. Claire's imaginary dog- it struck a chord with me, somehow. During these episodes, I want her to seem like a child, not simply an adult that has regressed into a childlike state. Does that make sense? But I feel that your writing is teasing me. The encounter between Claire and her mother in chapter ten is an example. Not giving me all that it might. It is just so emotionless. Utilitarian, to be sure, clever and ringing of truth, but using sarcasm as a substitute for feeling. I want to compare your style to that of Sylvia Plath, but to do so is too easy. Her writing, as dark as it was- as sardonic as it was- contained rich emotional imagery. Your prose draws me in in the same way, entrapping me, burdening me, but leaving no chance for escape.

I have only read what has been posted, of course. I want to believe that there is going to be a light at the end of the dark tunnel that is Claire's depression. I want to believe that her isolation will end, that she will find something onto which she can hold, that she can find a kind of redemption. It has only been ten thousand words- there is yet time- but maybe you should give the reader some glimmer of hope? The rabbit does not always need to get eaten, but when it does it should happen just before the moment it reaches the safety of the rabbit hole. This is the secret of all great tragedies. Allow the reader to latch onto something, to find hope, to believe that it will all work out in the end- and then snatch it all away.

I enjoyed reading it. Best of luck,
SJ

Ah, now this isn't my sort of read, but the quality is obvious regardless. I only wish I had backed it rather earlier as my TSR would have had a nice boost. Never mind.

But for God's sake upload a bit more text! You're so close to falling under the 10,000 word limit and you absolutely do not want to lose backings and ranking at this stage.

No lie, Lucy Middlemass, you nailed this one.

Lying About Sarah, backed.

This is a Young Adult Reading Group (YARG!) review:

Hi, Captain. I heard a little birdie say you were interested in feedback, and I may only have a day or two left before you reach the desk again, so I thought I'd check out your book.

Some excellent writing and turns of phrase, a ton of detail, and I thought you did a great job at maintaining the tone and fleshing out the characters and making them feel very real and interesting. I did get slightly confused at the timeline here and there, and when things were happening and where, though this could be more of an issue with my brain than it is with the book itself.

I wrote down a few notes as I read:
CHAPTER 1:
- The second paragraph seemed like a rather long sentence to me, and I would possibly try to trim it down a bit. For instance, I wasn't sure you needed “red” in “red brick” and I would possibly take out “and a flashing bulb overhead.”
- “a box of unopened tissues” - should this be “an unopened box of tissues” ? - I don't normally think of tissues as being closed
- “colourful gloom” - I really like how it's written, though I did wonder if this was possible, as I usually think of gloom as having a negative effect on colors.
- “watching gemstone globes available at a remarkably low price” - this is probably just me, but I got confused for a moment with this line, as I hadn't known the television had been on, since the line before it says that she hadn't yet used the remote control, which made me assume the TV was off and the gemstone globes were hanging in her room somewhere.
- “Spasms branch through my nerves like cracks over ice” - great line
CHAPTER 2:
- I don't quite remember smelling milk on people unless it had been spilled, though it's been a long time since I've been a kid. I would think the smell of the sweat would be a bit stronger than the smell of the milk, but I could be mistaken.
- Should there be quotation marks around “What did you do at the weekend?” I might also add them to the lines starting with “I'm going to tell you”
- Would all of the siblings be in the same class? I wasn't sure how close they were in age, but it seemed slightly odd that they would all be in the same music class unless they're triplets in a very small town.
- “Wives, I was learning, do. Learning not to like my future self” - these two thoughts seemed unconnected the way they're written. Since “I was learning” is in the middle, to me, it read like “Wives do. Learning not to like my future self.”

Despite some very minor quibbles, though, I thought you did a very good job with this so far, from the mystery you're setting up, the tone, and the voice.
Great stuff.

Mike
Arrival of the Ageless

YARG

I usually just read a few chapters before commenting, but I literally could not put this down. I devoured all ten chapters, and there's still so much I don't know. I want to know more! I can see why this has been flying up the charts. From reading other comments, I had high expectations, and I haven't been disappointed in the least. Incredibly well-written. I love the taste of tragedy, not enough for us to know what's going on but lurking there waiting to be discovered. I also thought the introductory paragraphs were absolutely perfect. There are so many beautiful lines in this work that I'm not even going to begin listing the ones that gripped me most. Almost poetic, but not so much that it's weighty or obscure. This is one book that deserves to do very well, and it definitely has my backing!

Full stars and wishing you all the best, Lucy,

Alena

Lying About Sarah -Lucy Middlemass
Hi Lucy,
I had to take a look at your book, one of the fastest, I believe, on its way to the ED. I must say it is very good, indeed. Its strength and beauty come from the austerity of your style. Short sentences, very few adjectives, and hardly any adverbs, yet the voice of Claire and her anguish come through in such a sensitive way. There’s a tragedy there and your writing appeals to the senses and the imagination of the reader to discover what has not been told, beyond the simple words you choose to describe it. Best wishes and good luck, Sebnem-The Child of Heaven

Lucy, this is flawless, and I am not easy to please. Your prose is breathtaking and your story is gripping. I don't know why you aren't published already. I really need to know what happened to Sarah!
Kate
The Vestibule of Heaven

Great book! Hope to see more!

Great book! Hope to see more!

Great book! Hope to see more!

Hi Lucy,
What a tough book to yarged! Mostly because it's error free and spotting errors is 90% of my yargeding!! But it's not your fault you have such a beautifully written story i guess!! Here's my notes:

ch 1
Great intro, love the way we have to read around what is going on and make our own mind up without being told. The descriptions are so good that it all falls into place quickly and well.
I'm guessing this has been through a fine toothcomb as I can't find any errors!
It does what it's supposed to, we're set, we now know she bedbound and needs the help, a little disconcerting as to her level of waryness, is she just embarassed by the personal help is there something sinister going on.

ch 2
Shouldn't you know the big strong boy by name? Or is the school too big?
okay, so we've gone back to school days and i'm guessing this a moral for the story but it left me wondering what was going on as i'd just got to grips with the house and the present... if that is the present!?
I don't think the cryptic style has worked so well in this chapter as i'm left with a lot more questions than it can answer. But only having read 2 chapters that's probably no bad thing!

As you see, couldn't spot an error anywhere :(
Great work and i'm gonna pop back and read more when i get the time,
G luck
Roy.

YARG review:

Trailer Bride’s review sings out the truth like crystal resonating beside a still lake shining in the moonlight. Nothing more needs to be said.

YARG Review

Hey Lucy,

I don’t know why it took me so long to get to this. It’s very well-written and expertly conceived. I’ve only read two chapters, but already Claire has the deep soul and tormented mind to make a great narrator and MC.

I especially like how you “eased” the reader into hinting at Claire’s immobility (I’m assuming she’s in a wheelchair, though I don’t know why yet.) I loved that section. “I have everything I want in these rooms and I think that is the problem” - these are great turns of phrase.

The sentence starting with, “Mathew was the further back, probably finding crossing his legs uncomfortable…” sounded odd to me.

This may just be me, but I was confused at the ending of chapter two until it “clicked.” I thought Claire was talking to Mr. Kerr with, “We don’t cover that, Sir.” Then it hit me that it was Mr. Kerr relaying his prior conversation with the insurance company. Now I see how great an ending it is, but a dialogue tag might help.

While I like the cryptic nature of the revelations (i.e. Claire’s immobility), sometimes it’s necessary to just come out and say it after you toy with the reader a bit. This hasn’t been a problem yet, but it could wear out the reader if it’s done too much. I want to keep guessing, but I also don’t want to chase ghosts just to find out it was all in my head.

Anyway, great job here. Highly rated and I can back it soon.

Douglas York
Majestic Shadows: Before the Sky Fell

"This isn't my life. It's just the one I'm living" - How often I too have felt that way, and so true that 'survival of the fittest' means survival of what fits at the time, not the most fit. So many people get that mixed up, and so often does what fits change . . .

YARG
Lying About Sarah

Whoa. This story has such a different, darker tone than Murkle Moon. And I must say, it suits your writing style better (in my humble opinion). The narrative thoughts are succinct and well-written. They just kinda urge the reader forward. There isn't much dialogue, but what's there is good and does its job conveying the right sense of emotion and underlying currents between the characters without saying much outright. I get it. And I like it.

A few nitpicks for ya, (mostly grammar and sentence structure) if you're interested.
Chapter 1
I don't think he means it as a joke anymore (period instead of coma. Two sentences seem to flow better.) It's just something he says.
He comes in, opening my bedroom door without knocking--because what would be the point? And the Gilbert family (doesn't) knock.
Spasms breach through my nerves like cracks over ice. There's nothing wrong with this sentence. I just love it.
Break up the last sentence perhaps?: He'll come back later. Then we'll talk when I'm dressed and this isn't happening.

Chapter 2
This chapter starts with a confusing jump. It took me a few paragraphs to figure out that we'd gone back in time. Is the first chapter a prologue? Maybe a heading stating the time frame would help with that.
He wasn't telling me if it was important the control was mine. --I didn't get this sentence. It's very confusing as written.

Chapter 3 takes us back to the present day.
Matt's is public. (adding a period breaks this up a bit.) It comes with judgment and avoidance, and his was earnt.
Matt did wrong. I am wrong. (More dramatic as two sentences.)
Gosh, you do a really good job expounding on the relationship between Matt and his sister in this chapter.
He's my husband, this is normal. --For a second, I was like whoa, I thought they were brother and sister. Changing her statement to "He's like my husband" would fix that.
The way Sarah's absence is described here is very well-done and emotionally engaging.

I read Chapter 4 too, but found nothing to bug you about. Good job. Thanks for sharing more of your work with us!

~Eden

YARG
Lying About Sarah

I’m left wondering if an opening chapter could be written any better. First word to last, I danced in this prose--ironic, I know, but true. I loved to re-read and savor every phrase:

"Props for a life I’m not having."
"Months are never enough"
"I’m the hopeful monster that will live here forever trailing the family name like writing in the sky."
"The neighbours shot out of their houses like birds from cuckoo clocks." Sigh. Beautiful.

I envy the pithy pathos of your uncluttered prose: "never losing the cute that our parents didn’t understand"..."proud and sullen, both because he had been asked to fetch it." The teasing mystery of phrases and wisps of thought are anchored in cold reality, hard reality that belies the warmth beneath.

I didn’t want the opening chapter, or the next one, to end, but they did, and here I am trying to do your work justice. I look forward to shelling out money for your work, Lucy--I know it won’t be here long because your publisher will pull it. Lucky us until then, and lucky them when that time comes.

c.

YARG Review

Hey Lucy,

I read the first 3 chapters and really liked it!
Ch. 1
-Fantastic opening, you've got me sucked in. I want to know what happened to these children in the past and what's wrong with the narrator..
Ch.2
-I don't know if it's just me but the wording of Mr. Kerr's question "What did you do at the weekend?" sounds a little strange.
-I love "It could have been part of my answer to the question Mr. Kerr wasn't asking me." It's just such a human thought!
Ch.3
I feel bad for them now as adults but at the same time, I don't know how to feel about them! I really want to find out more about this accident. I'll try read more later. High stars for you!

Sarah
Sapphire

YARG Review

Hi Lucy,
Just read all you have uploaded here for the second time. I read it a few weeks ago but I didn't really know how I felt about it and, tbh, I still don't. It's obvious you can write and you have some wonderfully astute observations and amazing turns of phrase. I love - "This isn't my life, just the one I'm living", "I survive here" and "Spasms branch through my nerves like cracks over ice". I can feel the overriding melancholy of the story but, I don't know, it left me a bit cold. I know the problem's with me because so many people love this manuscript. Maybe it's just too cryptic for me?

Nik
Blackthorn - A Tale of Fire and Fury
Silver Bullet

Read the first chapter and it's brilliant. And I don't say such a thing lightly.

Loved the line about survival of the fittest. Really, I loved almost everything about it. I would say that this deserves to be published, but honestly, this is better than a lot of the YA I've read out there. I'm going to give this a better review once I'm not feeling quite so ill.

Backed and high stars. : )

Have just finished Lying About Sarah. I thought the portrayal of the mother in Ch 10 is especially good - both really funny and also very painful. The relationship between Matt and the narrator is so sensitively and poignanly drawn too.

I am sure that once I find out what Matthew did to get him put in prison, it will alter my perception of him, but right now, oh my god!
The section about the puppy, here, for me relates to Matthew. Claire does have a puppy, a puppy who works for her. It might not be a farm, but he is still a puppy and I love him. I don't know if Matthew was a connection you intended to make with the puppy, but it is there and it's wonderful.
(By the way, because I realise my obsession with puppies here does not make sense, a puppy is a character who you love dearly, who you only want good things for, but they just keep getting kicked. You hate that they're being kicked, but it makes for such good reading that you also hope it doesn't stop.)

Anyway, enough on that.
I love this! Other than my obsession with Matt, I can't even point out exactly why I love it. It's not one element that makes me point at me screen in triumph and go "YES! This is why!" It's the tiny little elements that I don't realise I love until two chapters later when they relate to something I never expected.

You have tangled an unravelable web of plot and emotions. Things we never expect to clinch us in that moment that reminds us of our own childhood, of our own successes and failures with a single sentence. Your descriptions are unflowered and so beautiful in their simplicity. I can see everything you write, an enviable talent indeed!

Please tell me where I can buy this in full, you have a sale!
Congratulations on a wonderful, engaging, and emotional story.

Chele

Hi Lucy, i came back...

Wow, the tone does shift in this fourth chapter. This is a very powerful story and now I'm thinking what age group for Yarg?

I laughed with the comparison between sore throat and atletes feets.
what a powerful para' Our mother left . . .
you have a lot of them so far in these 4 opening chapters and the voice and angst and turmoil is present at every turn of the page. It does make you want to keep reading becasue you want to know more.

GreAT JOB!

I will return

Nancy

Lying About Sarah is really great, I really enjoy the characters and the way you write :) Great work!

Great statement: “What no one knows about us makes us who we are.”

“Matt did wrong and I am wrong.” This statement is so sad yet people with sickness often feel the shame of being sick. I do. It’s like if it is your fault… I am also glued to my bed most of the time yet I can go anywhere for a little, I build my energy up and I can work on the laptop in bed…

It is a great story to analyze, to see why Clair thinks what she does: and she does not have much yet she makes the best of it.

I have read three chapters and under the spell of the story.

Thank you so much for sharing it,
Alexandra Mahanaim