Vertere

Just stopped by and decided to read a chapter. You have really nailed the POV. We really feel your main character as if we are right in her head. Your writing feels as if we are sitting on a sofa listening to her recall everything - fantastic - not too many writers can do that. We really get a feel for her being a new person in a new city - and a flavor for the differences between NYC and LA. Her observations are interesting. And Mick seems to be good for her. The conversations seem dead on - realistic.

You have a couple of typos - occasionally you slip into present tense when you are writing in the past. Examples, Mick tells (should be told) me...and...Mick takes (should be took) the cigarette...

Also, this story is very much in her head. You should "show" us a little more and "tell" us a little less. In other words, put us in the action instead of telling us about it. You write conversations well, but there are too few of them. At least in the first chapter.

I will back this is you do the following - 1) Fix the present tenses that I mentioned. 2) Show us a little more. 3) Read and comment on my story.

If your second chapter has more showing (converstaions, putting us in the action instead of describing it for us), then you can skip # 2 above and I'll continue reading on.

Let me know - best of luck.

Hi Topie,

I read your first three chapters.

First a disclaimer: I went to high school and college in LA. You nailed the town and the people. Spot on.

You've written a superb coming of age story. Very touching. Very entertaining. Very thought-provoking.

You use language like an artist. For example, 'how they all so desperately wanted to be caught in the flashbulbs, but were so dim witted.' 'Flash' then 'dim.' Brilliant!

Your narrative makes me think. For example, 'With the material world came the haves and the have-nots and the jealousy that drove them apart, and the competion that has built what we live in today' or 'I couldn't deal with sharing your identity with others like that."

Your characterization of Gabe is thorough. After three chapters, I feel as though I know him. Sure he has flaws and angst, but basically he's a nice guy. Your characterizations of Mike and Serrania are less thorough, but they too are very interesting characters. Mike's death touched me. Serrania's arrival was marvelous story-telling.

Your descriptions are wonderful. For example, 'In LA, it was the efferescent scent of car exhaust and bimbos to your left and bimbos to your right.' Sight and smell in one sentence. Or your paragraph long description of Sunset Boulevard. Graphic. I'm there.

Your dialogue seem authentic and the conversations flow naturally. You'll need to work on punctuating your dialogue (see below).

Your leisurely pacing worked for me. I was involved in your story throughout.

Some suggested edits.

They sequestered themselves, trying to one up the each other. Consider deleting 'the.'

I put the house down and turned it off . . . 'House' should be hose.'

I already crossed the 6 foot threasehold . . . Spell out numbers 1 to 99. Same thing with 'I'd been the way I am my whole life, ever since I could remember, since I was 3 . . .' There are more cases of this type of problem in your first three chapters.

Just setting foot outside the house in LA, I'd see so many women from the back who were dressed like part girls . . . 'Part' should be 'party.'

"No soy milk or non-fat?" he laughed. You can't laugh dialogue so 'he laughed' is not a dialogue tag. Capitalize 'he.'

"Ditto. Being beat up adverted; Thanks Mick" I added. Comma after 'Mick.' Same thing with "Ever since I started" Mick confirmed my suspicion. (comma after 'started.') There are more cases of this type of problem.

I passed out there and gave myself a waffle pattern of letter keys fro my computer on my forehead. 'Fro' should be 'from.'

"You're going to like it he said. I have a ghost and vampire tour scheduled for us." Comma and quote after 'it.' Quote before 'I.'

I had to slow down to make these notes, but it didn't interfer with my tremendous enjoyment of your story.

Good luck with this book which I have backed.

Al

PS: Might I ask you to read and review SAVANNAH PASSION?

Hi Topie,

I read through the first chapter. The story seems like a good one. I like how you have drawn out a bitter main character who looks at the world through rage colored glasses, but I think at times the cynic (sp?) may be a bit over the top.

I like the stroyline so far but I think that a good edit could tighten up some of the language. The first few paragraphs about the day and night creatures could be made more concise as I found it just wandering all over the place without really feeling like it had a point.

The dialogue is great and I don't think it needs too much work.

Hope my comments help.

Best wishes,
Chris
http://www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=4441

I'm with Pete. This is pretty good. I'll put you on my shelf for a few days so others might be inclined to get hold of it.

It has promise. The prose could be vastly tighter and less digressive, and still just as effective. I also quite like the supernatural element: are we supposed to understand these creatures are real, or is it just his fanciful way of describing the world? I'm willing to read on, and will, but for now it's bedtime. Nice work.