Tom Crown

Jason,

I like your straightforward writing. It is easily accessible for a straightforward guy like me. I briefly got confused when I went to two, then I realized that Mary was not Marie, the two names are maybe too similar, A series of different women every chapter is an original setup, I have to leave for works, so Ididn't get far enough in to see how they're all going to be tied together,but I'm sure you pull it off.
Best

Bill
HAKTAW HEART

I was confused about parts of the opening. I’m not getting something. The trip to Boston appears to have some link to Marie’s roommate Annie wanting to be an air hostess, so I thought that they were all going to Boston to support her interview, but maybe the trip and Annie’s ambitions aren’t important. Does he dislike air hostesses? Does he dislike women in general? He climbs out of bed, looks though the door, but sees Marie, who was supposed to be back in bed. “I saw the future flight attendant pass by. Marie’s wispy blonde hair hung around her face.” Shouldn’t that be Annie’s? The crucial thing that’s missing is that he’s looking back into the room he’s just vacated. I wasn’t sure where he stood, or where he was looking.

The descriptions of the two women lacked humanity and were derogatory and unsympathetic. I began to believe that the narrator was a psychopath with: “doughy-white complexion”, “Olympic-sized body”, “her skin was tan and her dye job was making her look old and desperate.” These aren’t the observations of a stable character, and there’s a great sense of drama, that something’s going to happen.

The Starbucks encounter was no surprise, and I expected this to spark a Falling Down type rampage. I didn’t share the narrator’s apparent dislike for Annie and Marie, and I didn’t like the sense I’m being asked to share views without knowing why the MC has these attitudes. However, I liked the deadpan style, and I found it utterly convincing. If the confusion and the observations could be made clearer it would be a great opening to a thriller. Rating: 4.

By the way, my second novel is out in the wild: THE MARQUIS OF QUEENSBURY RULES, OKAY, an uplifting comedy about four London nutters who take a backstreet boozer on the road, believing in the mantra: ‘For instant friends--just add alcohol’. All the best - Ian D Smith

An eloquently crafted piece of writing, it’s easy to slip into your characters and follow Tom in particular. I was a bit shocked when we suddenly started talking a bout chopping her up with an axe, it was so unexpected. I think this is a book that people can relate to on so many levels.
Sue Mackender
Knowing Liam Riley – I hope you can make time to read some of mine.

This is very impactful stuff. it's a great pitch, but doesn't tell us much in terms of narrative. However, I get the feeling that is a book to get absorbed in. I certainly did reading your first chapters. Your dialogue reminded me of David Mamet which is about a good a compliment as I could give. Excellent - punchy and raw, yet eloquent. Your descriptions are rich and vivid (rubber edges rubbing against the glass) and I am delighted to back this.
Carl
The Time Hunters

Dear Jason, I love that I don't have this kind of life - mine was bad enough as you will see in my memoir that I'll name below. :) Before I began to read your book, I was prepared by your recap/pitch,which was very well done. :) Your story is good because you create interest by having short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, which makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm "backing" your book: When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved...authonomy. :) Please "back" my TWO memoir books, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" & my completed memoir unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories," which tells at the end, my illness now & 6th abusive marriage." Thanks, Susie :)
p.s. Remember: Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs. :)

I read the first chapter and I loved it. Your writing is honest and unapologetic with a hint of menace. The dialogue is spot on and I think I'm going to read some more.
Backed.

This is an interesting, punchy piece, with an interesting take on an obsessive character. It may not be everyone's cup of tea, but I think it's got promise.

Backed with pleasure.
Abi xxx

This is not my thing, but I can see this type of character study would be popular.
Please consider taking a look at my book, The Job.
Craig

Good narrative and diolouge. C W

An intriguing portrait of a family and how their relationships echo through the geberations. I haven't read it all but was going to critique the sequencing - e.g. Dad and their life with him only getting covered in chapter 14, but have a feeling if I did read it all it would make sense that it comes up then. Some grammar and spelling tidy-ups needed throughout before it gets too far up the list and the people you really care about start looking at it! Backed.
Helen (The Girl With No Shadow/Restoring the Light)

I just completed the first two chapters and I think this is very well written! You have a gift for descriptive prose and as a person from NYC it is easy for me to sink right in - glad to see th eentire book is posted cause I'll be back! BACKED without reservation.

Liz
The Cheech Room

Hi Jason, I have just finished reading Chapter One and Chapter twelve of your story. I hoped you might appreciate a review of one of the later chapters. You do have writing talent and that is clear. However, you seem to be suffering from the same disease that I do…overwriting. It’s a tough nut to crack but it can be done. Also, the chapters I read seem to lack an emotionality that is needed to glue your reader to your characters. For example, tell us in the beginning of Chapter One, why it is important to your character (or why it isn’t) to find a great girlfriend. Is it just the sex? I doubt it. It is clear that he had hoped things would work out differently with Marie, but why? What made him stay so long, when in the end, you say that he should have known all along. What made him stay? You ‘tell’ us the break-up was ugly, with tears, etc. Explore that with your reader. Help your reader understand his feelings. I have made some comments but note that I am no expert. However, I have been told by many authors that I’m pretty good at this. Let’s see what you think…
CHAPTER ONE: It seems off the timeline when you tell us of Marie’s ‘wispy blonde hair’ and ‘her doughy white complexion’ AFTER you have crept from the room. You also mention the door being open an inch or two AFTER you crept from the room. ‘slowly dripping’ I would delete ‘slowly’ for tension as ‘dripping’ already implies it. I would change ‘thin blonde hair’ to just ‘her hair’ since you had already mentioned her ‘wispy blonde hair’ earlier. You mention her ‘blonde hair’ in the barrettes again later. I think you can safely delete the reference telling your readers that all Starbuck’s are basically the same…they know that already. ‘over grown’ is one word – ‘overgrown’. I don’t understand the point of the little story about the man you accidentally bumped into at Starbucks or the story of the guy in the billiard room? How do these forward your story? If it is important to your story, then hook your reader up and tie it in. And ‘a mildly cohesive overflowing jar of whale jism’ Really? What, exactly, does this do for your story? I imagine the bit about the type of writer he is, is really you telling your reader that you know the type of writer you are? I honestly don’t get the point of this. The writing, actually the sentence and paragraph structure, is pretty good technically, but the subject matter drags. I think it would help to add emotion to this.
CHAPTER TWELVE: ‘Shinning’ has only one ‘n’ – ‘shining’. ‘when ever’ is also one word – ‘whenever’. ‘I could feel the drinks taking hold of the two of us.’ How could she feel the drinks of the other? How about something like ‘I could already feel the drinks taking hold of me and I assumed that Sarah was getting there, too.’? I would mention each of the girl’s names occasionally throughout the dialogue as it takes a lot of thought on your reader’s part to keep track of who is who. Other than that, the dialogue is good. Except each person’s personality seems the same. I would find a way to give each a distinct personality trait. Like maybe one is a sarcastic wise-ass and the other has the manners of someone raised with more class? Find something that makes each different from the other, giving your reader more than just two girls with different backstories, talking. Maybe one is drinking too much, too fast, while the other just sips her drinks. Maybe one smokes and the other doesn’t? I’m just throwing out ideas here…I hope you understand what I mean.
Well, that’s it. Except I should caution you about your many uses of ‘-ly’ words such as ‘frequently’, ‘carefully’, ‘slowly’, ‘barely’ and lots more. In almost every case (one exception would be dialogue), a sentence becomes stronger, carrying more literary tension, when these pesky adverbs are deleted. Try it and I think you will see what I mean. I hope you can decipher my comments and I hope that some of them help. All in all, you do have a talent for writing but I think you need to go through your story and eliminate all the bits that don’t move your story forward as well as adding a bit more emotion to such a character driven piece. GOOD LUCK!

Jason, I just read the first chapter. Good narrative and dialogue. Really nothing to nitpick here. I don't know why you're not higher up in the charts. Sincerely backed!

Regards,

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

This is interesting. The long sentences combined with the choppy dialogue is riveting. Even without a worthy story line, the writing style carries this. But the story is interesting so... really great job.
Backed.
Tracy
The Guardians

The pitch did absolutely nothing for me.

The first sentence is nice enough to draw me in, and then the second sentence irritates me. It’s too passive for an opening paragraph. You’re supposed to be hooking me here. Not leaving me flat.

“Lying beside her, all I could think about was having a cigarette.” That’s great.

Somehow, I love your opening descriptions and don’t like them at the same time. All the sentences by themselves are fabulous. But sometimes you string them together and cram them together in an order that doesn’t make sense or feels like a list. It’s not quite stream of consciousness, but not quite logical either.

You know, for all my nitpicking, I actually love this. Once you get rolling, hell, before you get rolling, every sentence is a new treat. This is fabulous writing. I love he voice and the pace and the main character. I really am in love with this, warts and all.

Backed.

Leah Petersen – Mourn the Sun

Hi. Thought the crispness of your overall style fits well with the world you describe, the fleetingness of how one person relates to another, and the brisk realities of life in the city. It all has a kind of dry harmony that works extremely well. Simon

I only had time to read the first chapter but you write really well, clear pictures of your characters emerge, backed with pleasure, Maggie P.

Your pitch says Tom is trying to discover himself in his post college years. In the first chapter Tom seems disconnected from everyone he meets. They all come across as lost souls. Perhaps Marie's dutiful relationship with her brother is half meaningful. The writing evokes well Tom's sense that he is drowning, that no one is 'seeing him'. But then, he's not giving out much either.
Nitpicking: Sometimes I found it confusing trying to work out which character the narrator was referring to.
Ditto with the dialogue. But maybe I'm just tired.
This is a masterful piece of writing. Backed. Jacqui Christensen (William's Revenge)

Very detailed, but smooth descriptions. You paint a scene well. Bravo!

John Wickey
Future's End

Hi there, some thoughts on chapter one

A superb evocation of a world we so very rarely see in modern literature any more - the modern male, moving between partners and different situations. I liked the appraisals of the women; they were never overly sharp or bitter, just matter of fact descriptions of these people, their habits and their lives. You are an astute observer of people, I would bet. I liked the smaller character moments; the classic crazyman in the street, Annie's pre-bedtime ritual of screaming at the television. Quality writing

Pat Black
Snarl

I picked this one to read at random, and I must say that it had a lot of interesting elements. It has potential, for sure, and I'm going to back it on concept. I do think that the writing could be tightened up a bit, but overall I think the writing is done well.

M. Herms--Nothing Gold Can Stay

Hiya Jason, I enjoyed this quirky read as you really have a way of creating an atmosphere and imagery. I found a few typos and grammatical errors: It's "There was a moment of silence between Annie and ME" NOT "Annie and I". You also have a "She EAT everything on her plate." error in the passages about their visit with Marie's brother in chapter 1. Also, you have "I grabbed one of his cigarettes OF the table." in the same visit in the restaurant. Last paragraph "I just wasn't to be".

You have real ability to form images and atmosphere with words but you are sloppy in your execution. You need to polish this bell, Jason! Loving regrads! Callaghan

After reading the first chapter, I can say you have a strong command of the written word - everything very polished and clear, and I only noticed one error in the whole chapter ("I grabbed one of his cigarettes OFF the table"). You have a clear mental picture of your characters and those visuals come across easily. Your tone and style is certainly your own, and nothing I would wish to change. The italicization of certain brand names was a bit odd, but I imagine you have a reason for doing it.

When I read, though, I need to either care about the MC or be intrigued enough by some aspect to want to read on. Here, I'm afraid I found nothing to grab hold of. The flashbacks-within-flashbacks felt random and disconnected. Meanwhile, we go all the way to Boston and back with nothing really happening. The pervasive indifference can work, but only if something snags the reader's interest, perhaps an inkling that there's more lying beneath the surface - if this is the case, maybe injecting some subtle hints would help drive the story forward. As it is, nothing compels me to turn the page. I do wish you the best of luck with this.

I have to say I am torn. On one hand, I like the odd sort of darkness, almost brooding, that your scenes offer. And I do think most of the dialogue is spot on, very realistic. I also like the post-college setting.
That said, I do not see this as literary, but rather commercial or general fiction. Which is actually a broader market today. I also didn't see the plot unfolding as quickly as I'd have liked. I know this is your style. And your style is clear, and descriptive, has all the elements of good writing that most editors look for. I guess it just isn't plot forward enough for my taste.
I am going to back you anyway, and I will tell you why: There are many on here who really like it, and so, I think to myself, maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm missing something.
So you are going onto my shelf, for a second or two, to give you a push upward.
You may want to think about what some others have said here about the conflict (or at least some more action) not rearing its head early on.
My rule of thumb is, if one or two people suggest a change regarding my writing, and I disagree, I don't do it. But if four, or five, or more say the same thing? I definitely take a closer look, perhaps move things around, add a bit of spice here or there to liven it up, take something out, etc.
In any case, it is all up to interpretation. Like a painting, or a bottle of wine.
That's it for me. Let me go put this on my shelf, and we'll see what happens. You are a talented writer, there's no denying that, and I want this backing to give you confidence in your re-wrtes, or perhaps your next novel.
Best,
Leslie Tall Manning
"Knock'n on Wood"

"shot me a look that could cut diamonds"
That phrase alone is enough to get my backing. Is the short guy a "made man"?
This takes a while to get going... lots of lolling around in bed and smoking and pointless conversations... yappity yap. After that, once we get outside, things start to liven up, and we begin to see the narrator's character, and what drives him. Your style reminds me of Douglas Kennedy. Well done.
Shelved
Frank

You have a strong writing style, but I think this tends a little more towards popular fiction and not literary, which will probably get you more of a reading audience anyway. I think you'll be successful with this. Backed.

That's a great title, but your pitches don't give enough indication of what to expect from your book. I've read three chapters and have no idea how to categorise the book. It certainly defies a great many accepted conventions, but I've read other books lately that break fresh ground and I find the experience invigorating.
There's no attempt to impose a conventional plot and it took me a while to find the natural flow of the book. Lacking a narrative, it becomes necessary to accept the whim of the author and follow the individual segments. In the opening chapter, the Starbucks scene was very well described and I liked the vehemence of Farina and his Tina-inspired rant.
This is a style of writing that will polarise opinion - quite possibly this was your intention - and I've not found it an easy read. I have found it fascinating, however, and fascination beats ease of reading any way you look at it. One day, this style may be the norm. It demands a great deal from the reader, but the rewards for perseverance are there. I'm very impressed by your ability as a writer and by your clear decision to write your own book in your own way.
I'm backing this for the quality of the writing and an enviable individuality.
Jared.

This is good stuff, after only reading a chapter I don't know where it is going but would enjoy finding out. I'm beginning to feel I am not good enough for this site, yours is the fifth book I have reviewed and the standard of writing is so high, or have I been lucky? Well done, no points to put up as there weren't any. Good luck and you are on my shelf. Mary.

"A button passed conservative and a button above begging for it."

You know I read and backed this long ago, but I saw you getting frustrated on the forums so I thought I'd have another look and reassure you that this is a worthwhile piece.

I also backed it as NickP since it let me to give it a little extra boost. Don't tell anybody. You can come and slag my book off now.

Great eye for observation. The stream of consciousness makes we wonder what would happewn if Jack Kerouac wrote Holden Caulfield. Backed!

Hello Jason,
I looked up your bio because of a comment you made in the Forum that agreed with my current thinking. From there I ended up reading the first couple chapters of your book. It is good. I believe it may even be a little too classy, too intelligent for here. First, your writing is excellent, your descriptions fresh, your story snakes around and confuses me, but then that is literary fiction. Urban literature is not my first choice, but I must say I like your writing. Best of luck with this. I only shelve what I admire and I'm shelving I'm the Stranger Here.
KC Hart
Summer Rose

Hello,

I was wondering, if you had some time, if you could look at some of my short stories in Revelations. They are not long at all. I would appreciate any feedback. I am not really looking to win the competition, just want some genuine feeback to become a better writer. If not, I understand. Thank you so much for your time.

Best,

TH

Hi Jason - I like this - good sharp writing and strong characters. You use brevity really well and paint a good picture, if a little bleak, of the character's lives... I will look to read more when time permits. Backing it for style and a clear talent to write...

Steve

I like the way you build tension and intrigue and make me want to read more. Good stuff.

I read through the chapter of this yesterday and I liked it. It's bleak and grim but it's realistic. You get inside the minds of your characters and present the world as they see it, which makes it compelling. What I thought was interesting was that very little really seems to happen - there's a feeling of time and places just drifting by while the characters are trapped in their own little worlds - but it is so well written and the characters are so strongly drawn that I really wanted to read on to see what happens to them. And that was in spite of the fact that I didn't really like any of them.
So, yeah - good stuff. Backed.
Bob Garrod (Domesday)

Interesting premise and solid writing, I hope to read more.
Backed.

Hi Jason. You have a cool premise with your book. For the short pitch, I'd recommended taking out the book's title and just skip to the part about it being a story about Tom Crown and his sister looking for love in NYC. Then you can add second sentence telling something interesting about the story to come, or some catchy line that will make the reader want to read the long pitch. Your pitch is otherwise very good.

Your story is good too. I like the scene setting and scenario you are developing. There are some further edits that can be made to your sentences, but that is to be expected of all writers. It's a never-ending cycle of deleting and getting everything better.

Keep on believing in yourself Jason and your book. There's a book deal in here for sure man! :-)

Sincerely,

Kevin Wong
Author of Heroes of Destiny

I was chatting with paxie the other day about the reluctance of men to read chick lit and she suggested I create a new genre: "dick lit" ... it was a joke, but I saw what the point was.

And now I've stumbled upon your book after reading your thread about reciprocated backings. What a gem this is. THIS is what men need to read, and will love to read. I'm of the belief that women shape men. Women have a built-in function to nurture and comfort. Not all of them make use of that, or care to (actually, I think these days (in my own generation anyway: I'm 31), most do not).

The focus here, and what pulled me in from the pitch is that the book is about how the MC's exes shaped his life. I pictured a man in a womb, changing, shaped by the women around him. I can't say enough about how important this is to us as men, to know what women do to us and realize there is a balance to be maintained, that both male and female have to work together to make things good and dandy. All too often, a relationship is one-sided. One person gives their all, while the other just takes. I've been in those relationships. I started out as a naive boy, and now, I'm a jaded man, scarred and reluctant to give my all again. Angry even.

The prose is so suitable for this, too. It moves along briskly, and the dialogue is bare bones. No fluff. Fluff would diminish the voice, and you DO have a unique 'voice' at work.

I think I could write pages and pages on what you've written, but I'll stop here before I really clutter your comments page. I really do hope you find a publisher for this. It needs to be put out there. Chick lit is everywhere. What about us?

All the best,

Jeff Sinclair
No Heaven

Jason,

You write and in a clear concise style. Well done.

The pitch needs work. It’s a bit vague. There are so many coming of age stories tell us how yours is different.

Shelved.

Laurie

Jason,

You write and in a clear concise style. Well done.

The pitch needs work. It’s a bit vague. There are so many coming of age stories tell us how yours is different.

Shelved.

Laurie

Fine, fluid writing that kept me wanting to read on. Ennui, cynicism, and the grubby muddle that's so much a part of Tom's life, are the sorts of things that usually send me running, but the quality of your writing makes for an involving story.

Shelved.

'I agreed to it just to be agreeable' ... 'a look that could cut diamonds' ... You have a great way with words, Jason, but I see you value con-crit more than compliments, so I'll shoot straight to those: 'it took almost two years for me to realize' ... the 'for me' is redundant. 'well made, if not misguided point' ... this would make more sense without the 'not'. 'three[-]seat couch'. 'like a miniature of Faye Dunaway ... If Faye Dunaway was smaller'??? 'hadn't moved since I left' ... you don't need the rest of the sentence. A few more such tweaks will add an extra shine ... backed.

the world needs Bibles, not another mediocre writer. Thankfully, you're not mediocre.

Very engaging, clear prose that moves you forward through the filthy reality of life with its all-too-human foibles -- rich girlfriend but you still want to screw the roommate, for example.

gladly shelved.
stuart
high cotton

Great dialogue, interesting characterisation.

Shelved.

Melxx
Impeding Justice

Hi Jason, so many vignettes with untied ends, so many interesting ideas - shelved.

This is an interesting idea, to take a brother and sister, alike and not alike and to tell their story. Tom is interestingly self-centred person who likes to use people, Vicky seems to be nicer. I think its important that you tie off some of the threads as you go, but then I'm sure you do.

Good luck with this

John Booth (Shaddowdon)

Annie is well drawn and the crisp exchange of dialogue between the Tom and Annie quickly advances the storyline. We soon find that Tom is torn between loyalty to Marie and the temptation to take an excursion down to Annie's room.
For me, the last paragraph of your first scene already stamps on your book the style and language register most appropriate for your characters; straightforward, no nonsense, candid, raw, almost cynical if any one or combination of these hits the essence of your character.
For example, 'sex was like work for us, as if she was beholden to me, an endurance test to be completed'. This comes across very clearly, almost the universal truth behind the euphemism: 'I've such a headache tonight, dear,' suitable for those occasions where the Merlot was too heavy, the bills too high or one has been the recipient of a literary mugging on authonomy - the latter seems to come to us all.
For your complete absence of pretension and approximation to the truth of character - Shelved.
Ray
(A Child from the Wishing Well)

Poor Tom. He doesn't have much luck with women. I hope he has more success later on. I love your descriptive way of writing. The shirt "was opened a button past conservative and a button above begging for it". Wonderful - it give an instant picture in your mind. Your two main characters are very strong and well defined. All in all a really good read. Backed, Lynne, Brooklyn Bridge.

Interesting story so far. Your writing is polished and I get a good feel for the story in the first couple of chapters. Tom is a pain. Like most people, he's finding who he is in life. You write dialogue very well and found no nits. The storyline is interesting and keeps me turning pages.

S. RIdley

Hello Jason, I found your story on The Forum. Interesting...not sure that I like Tom very much - very obssessed, but your writing is intriguing and in a funny way compelling. Nevertheless, I enjoyed the read, your dialogue is good and the narrative is eminently readable. SHELVED for entertaining me.

Phyllis Burton
A Passing Storm (Perhaps you could read and comment on mine for me please)

Jason,
I was so intrigued with your story that I read on and on and have put it on my shelf so that I can finish. Your dialog is wonderful - smooth and natural. Your main character is so flawed. It's interesting to read a book where the hero or heroine is not the best of people. Thank you for such a good read.
Lori Buckman (In Her Own Backyard)