Book Jacket

 

rank 2113
word count 28335
date submitted 27.01.2009
date updated 11.06.2010
genres: Fiction, Fantasy, Popular Culture, ...
classification: moderate
complete

Shorts You Will Never Wear

Neal Wailing

A selection of edible short stories; designed to be nibbled while commuting to work, bathtimes, holidays, travelling, hospital waiting rooms, cheese mongers, helterskelter rides ...

 

1. Nice and Easy-- A retiring US cop finds it hard to cope without work.
2. Hyperhorse--A letter to Anna Sewell from LA.
3. Vulgarity Bites--An Internet campaign to reintroduce non PC backfires.
4. Carry On Cooking--a young journalist is guided by her spiritual breasts.
5. The Rose Revived--The resurgence of Anglicism in a defeated England.
6. High on Moondust--A conference ruined by an infestation.
7. Steinbecked--Drink Life or Drink Drink?
8. Masterclass--On the run with nowhere to go.
9. The Move--You can't believe everything you read.
10. Bob's Progress--His journey to the centre of himself.
11. Humour Sells--An executive writes copy that just needs humour to sell their new bipedal meat beasts.
12. The Play--Resting playwrights.
13. The Trouble With Talent--A showbiz agent is the victim of con men.
14. The Italian Festival--The hilltop idyll that is, Cavallisghembi Citta, is not to everyone's taste.

 
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tags

alcoholism, alienation, clowns, ferarri, forests, italy, mammary glands, swearing, talentlessness

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198 comments

 

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Steve Ward wrote 1651 days ago

Neal,
Okay, you win, this is the most oddball writing I have ever seen, but quite funny and entertaining. I was mesmerized just trying to follow your quick mind. First I thought, memoir not fiction, then I thought, no it's too outlandish to be real, no it sounds real, no it can't be, must be. So I'm a bit dizzy but quite satisfied. Oh yeah, I meant to say I read #3, All the World is a Stage Where Jokes Come to Die. I tried to look at 4 and 5 but they came up blank? You have an incredible brain, so I hope you are writing professionally, there should be plenty of demand for your talent. Fun read.
Steve Ward
Test Pilot's Daughter: Revenge

Freddie Omm wrote 1647 days ago

the first story is brilliant – and a frighteningly plausible concept – “non-interruptive euthanasia”, a professional and exotic array of death choices (a funfair ride... what a way to go!), and combined with drugs so the purchaser can “die unaware”... love the marketing blurb – but then we find it was all a con, a way of easing the retired out of the job... bizarre and very entertaining .

i’ve read a couple of the others too and find throughout your writing is fluid and confident, with some great observations, dry humour and well-judged imagery -

“i shoehorned the foot of misadventure into a magnificent handcrafted boot” – there are so many of these gems strewn throughout... this brilliant book deserves to be further up the charts here (i’m assuming you had it private for a while??)

chapters 4 & 5 as posted here are a model of brevity, great use of white space, a pregnant comment on the vacuousness of modern life . . .

a fine collec .tion of strangeness and quality prose – i am backing it and will try and garner you reads from others .

freddie
("honour")

Jared wrote 1522 days ago

Neal, your stories make me wish I was a commuter again. Well, almost. I read number 6, Carry on Cooking - loved the opening paragraph, the final line especially, 'My tits got me into Grub Street.' Wonderful observations and some splendid use of language.
Number 9, untitled story about political correctness - the main character is Jarred, that's close enough, and you capture the insanity of perceptions wonderfully. Great lines here too, 'Dead pig trotting!'
Number 13, What can a gooseberry know that a strawberry can't? Good question. This was my favourite, a discussion about a pitch for a stage play. Almost entirely in dialogue, appropriately. I've written stage plays in my time - the scene you depict here is terrifyingly realistic.
Great stuff. Very well written, laugh out loud funny, beautifully composed. Backed, of course.
Jared.
Mummy's Boy.

vivalasbradleys wrote 1587 days ago

Great stories! I read 1, 4, 7 and 8.
You use lines I wish I had thought of... "...killing kills a part of the killer..."
"...anatomical set of keys..."
I love the twist at the end of story #8.
#7 lost me a bit but the disclaimer at the end literally made me laugh out loud.
And ultimately, #4 was chilling.
I love short story collections. I'm glad I came across yours. Very well done!

lovetha wrote 495 days ago

holle dear
Nice to meet you My name is miss helen. am a young girl I was impressed when i saw your profile today and i will like to establish a long lasting relationship with you. In addition, i will like you to reply me through my e-mail address(helenabirity@yahoo.com) so that i will give you my picture of you to know whom i am, please i will like to tell you how much interested i am in knowing more about you, i think we can start from here and share our feelings together as one. please contact me back with my mail address Thanks waiting to hear from you dear.yours new friend (helenabirity@yahoo.com)

lovetha wrote 495 days ago

holle dear
Nice to meet you My name is miss helen. am a young girl I was impressed when i saw your profile today and i will like to establish a long lasting relationship with you. In addition, i will like you to reply me through my e-mail address(helenabirity@yahoo.com) so that i will give you my picture of you to know whom i am, please i will like to tell you how much interested i am in knowing more about you, i think we can start from here and share our feelings together as one. please contact me back with my mail address Thanks waiting to hear from you dear.yours new friend (helenabirity@yahoo.com)

lovetha wrote 495 days ago

holle dear
Nice to meet you My name is miss helen. am a young girl I was impressed when i saw your profile today and i will like to establish a long lasting relationship with you. In addition, i will like you to reply me through my e-mail address(helenabirity@yahoo.com) so that i will give you my picture of you to know whom i am, please i will like to tell you how much interested i am in knowing more about you, i think we can start from here and share our feelings together as one. please contact me back with my mail address Thanks waiting to hear from you dear.yours new friend (helenabirity@yahoo.com)

lovetha wrote 495 days ago

holle dear
Nice to meet you My name is miss helen. am a young girl I was impressed when i saw your profile today and i will like to establish a long lasting relationship with you. In addition, i will like you to reply me through my e-mail address(helenabirity@yahoo.com) so that i will give you my picture of you to know whom i am, please i will like to tell you how much interested i am in knowing more about you, i think we can start from here and share our feelings together as one. please contact me back with my mail address Thanks waiting to hear from you dear.yours new friend (helenabirity@yahoo.com)

andrew skaife wrote 1345 days ago

I dipped in and out and found your writing to be tight, concise and wonderfully crafted.

BACKED

Sharahzade wrote 1404 days ago

SHORTS YOU WILL NEVER WEAR
Neal Wailing

I've tried writing short stories myself. It takes a special talent to create a complete work of art such as you are doing here. I don't have that discipline. To me it would feel like riding the subway every day unable to stop and smell any kind of flowers, especially roses. I am too wild and undisciplined and need to go forth riding my horse and meander here and there, making stops along the way to ferret out the curious. I am in awe of how you are able to get right to it and deliver a story that entertains so splendidly.

I am pleased to back your talent and skill. The writing is very clean and clear, sprinkled with humor, often subtle, yet seasoned just right to appeal to any appetite.

Thank you so much for backing A King in Time.

Mary Enck

donnaburgess wrote 1409 days ago

I love short stories and the more offbeat the better. You have a winner here! BACKED.

Donna Burgess (Darklands)

Stec wrote 1411 days ago

Brillance meets insanity and the winner is..? I read the ads at the back first (19) and nearly pissed myself at the dog ad.I read the others and then realised this was like reading Spike Milligan--hit and miss but boy when it hits it's funny.
This is not commercial stuff but you have a mind which is way beyond the hum-drum and is reaching out into the dark reccsses of the British psyche.
I sense you are writing because you have to and not because you want to be commercial. Might be just as well. If I am right and you don't give a fuck then just like Spike you will be capable of moments of brilliance--rare and precious and should be nurtured and indulged.

Steve

A. Zoomer wrote 1417 days ago

SHORTS YOU WILL NEVER WEAR

Dear Neal,
Excellent title. I loved being given a choice of what to read. I read The Move and it moved me slightly. Then i read Nice and Easy and it sang to me. There is so-o-o much in so few words. I moved back to Move and the second time around I saw its depth and clarity.
Short fiction is definitely the future.
And as someone who is preoccupied with my own sense of death you have many insights. Hopefully reading you will get me into the Gold Club.

Oh yeah, you write precisely too.
I put your book on my shelf in order to read some more of your outrageous stories.

A Zoomer
(Going Out in Style)

Luke Bramley wrote 1425 days ago

Crazy mo-fo! I love this unorthodox genius! There's a little Gabriel Marquez in there? ... maybe some Hunter S? A little JG Ballard? Only thing that grated: most mentions of modern flora and fauna e.g. Men in Black etc. any of that. Mistakes: Story 2 - A meeting of forces WAS ... love it though, Neal, you make it all worthwhile on this crazy, fucked-up , Prisoner no. 7 site! Luke.

Alan Martin wrote 1426 days ago

It's always good to see a short story book on Authonomy, particularly as I guess most of us only have time to digest short amounts. Your first story gets my vote as I like to read about peoples' images of the future. Plus, it kept me interested because fairly early on you know a twist is coming... and it doesn't disappoint.

delhui wrote 1428 days ago

Dear Neal --

Surreal and fantastic -- the two words that immediately come to mind reading your stories. From your cop who ends in getting a cat to Kokayne the Clown, your stories bring your readers into an alternative reality while simultaneously convincing us that your characters are perfectly fine -- it's us who have gone round the bend. You've captured one of the best elements of good storytelling: keeping your readers off-balance. Excellent.

Small suggestion: you could use colons and semi-colons in several places where you're currently using commas. Example: in "The Trouble with Talent", para 4, you write: "...in a pub one Friday night, she told me she lived..." Instead of the comma, you should use either a semi-colon or a period. A very small mechanical issue easy to remedy that in no way detracts from your writing -- just something of which to be aware.

Extremely pleased to return your backing. -- Delhui, The Long Black Veil

Wilma1 wrote 1435 days ago

I read chapters 1,2,and 8 I dont know if this is brilliant or crazy. It is well written in the parts that I understod but then i'd loose it. It was a bit like reading back a dream. Tis is certainly the most unusula thing I have read on here. Good luck with it.
Sue
Knowing Liam Riley

Wilma1 wrote 1435 days ago

I read chapters 1,2,and 8 I dont know if this is brilliant or crazy. It is well written in the parts that I understod but then i'd loose it. It was a bit like reading back a dream. Tis is certainly the most unusula thing I have read on here. Good luck with it.
Sue
Knowing Liam Riley

CraigD wrote 1437 days ago

I am particularly fond of short fiction, and you've got a nice collection here. I like the unexpected phrasing you throw in at times. Happy to back this for you.
Please consider taking a look at my book, The Job.
Craig

Balepy wrote 1438 days ago

Neal Shorts you will never Wear is unusual and totally addictive, have just begun reading the stories but am backing you straight away - first rate imagination - keep writing! Balepy (Freckles the Fawn)

PATRICK BARRETT wrote 1439 days ago

After three stories taken at random I am convinced that this is the most accomplished collection I have come across. Well done. Paula Barrett (Cuthbert-how mean is my valley)

Jim Darcy wrote 1442 days ago

Story 4. Misread this to start with and thought it said 'anglicanism'! (I am a Cof E Reader)
This is a neat little tale with a definite bite to it. Wondered what was going on at first but then (duh!) slowly caught on, despite your description in your pitch. Very good. I look forwards to reading more. Like the quirky style where, initially, I thought your grammar was off but now realise is another clue!
Jim Darcy The Firelord's Crown

alison woodward wrote 1446 days ago

really enjoyed this, its different, well done, backed

alison ( who wants to diet anyway? and legal lies)

Luk7 wrote 1447 days ago

Enjoyed reading 'The Rose Revived' - maybe this story leapt out at me because of my own lifelong interest in old buildings. I guess that is the attraction of a book like this, that it can cover so many subjects, holding 'something for everybody'.

Luk7
Pixellated

Winney wrote 1447 days ago

I just read the first chapter. Excellent. Right up to the end. It was still great, and I think I figured it out. But you went too vague right when I needed things to be spelled out. I'm only saying this because this short story deserves to be published. What exactly happened? It just needs a sentence or two, it can be still vague, but one that lets us readers in on it. Anyway, you are a great writer. Thanks for the read and good luck!

happarose wrote 1448 days ago

This is not my usual genre, but I was captured by your writing and found myself at the end of the first story by surprise. It's well-written, compelling, and unique, and I loved the twist at the end. I will come back to others, but for now, consider it backed on the strength of the opening tale!
Pippa Jay (Keir)

crazy mama wrote 1448 days ago

You're a funny guy!! the world needs more of those. Backed

JanB wrote 1449 days ago

Bokstore read ch1.
Interesting idea, not too sure it would be a commercial success, but it certainly intrigued me enough to keep me reading rather than browse reading.

Colin Normanshaw wrote 1450 days ago

Took a look at "Bob's Progress" which is an enjoyable read. Watch out for too many commas in some of your sentences, and an over-use of "had". Otherwise I am happy to back this. I also suggest you change to a smaller font which would make this much easier to read off screen. Colin

greeneyes1660 wrote 1450 days ago

Neal, The great thig about a book of short stories is that there is something for everyone. This is Stephen King meets George Carlin, both briliant one dark one funny with hints of realism and reality checks, much like what I have foud in this very clever, at times blunt, and at others more subtle...also brilliant because we are all different, therefore we repond to different approaches and messages.

Yes this is not the run of the mill, and I say bravo to you for using what works to express your own voice.
No one can please everyone, which is why pleasing ourselves is so important....Why you say; because then when people like you and respond, they are really liking you and you get to go on enjoying being yourself, and being appreciated by those that get you...

I enjoyed this very much. I like your insight, dark humor not my favorite, by these days it's more truth then humor that is dark...So hats off to this unique piece of work and I think you've carved yourself a name for sure Backed expecting great things...... Patricia aka Columbia Layers of the Heart

Andy M. Potter wrote 1456 days ago

Neal, nice writing! i read stories 1 and 7. mind-opening with sly humour. i'll be back for more. i have to read ch 5 for sure. ;)
on my shelf.
nice ones - ch1's "Nice and Easy Gold Club"
ch7's "swearing room"
i could send only accolades, but here's a few VERY picky edits that might make sense ;) hey, these are intensely minor details, but some publishers might want to see a hyphen or one word in the following cases:
ch1:
"cast iron" - "cast-iron" ?
ch7:
"expletive peppered" - "expletive-peppered" ?
"back stage" - "backstage" ?
tenth rate" - "tenth-rate"?
alright, enough picky bs. great stories!
best, andy


Cait wrote 1457 days ago

Shorts You Will Never Wear:

I like short story collections, and I wish I had this one with me on my long flight to England in June.

Will back this as soon as I make a space on my shelf.

Cáit ~ Muckers ~

SusieGulick wrote 1457 days ago

Dear Neal, I got so excited when I saw that you had backed, "He Loves Me." Thanks so very much. :) Since I have already "backed" & "commented" on your book, I came to your "comment" page to help your book to advance more. I will also put it on my "watchlist" to hopefully help it move up (everytime someone "comments"/"backs" my book, it moves up). Could you please take a moment to "comment"/"back" my unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories," which at the end tells my illness now/6th abusive marriage I'm in now. I'd be ever so grateful. :) Love, Susie :)

SusieGulick wrote 1458 days ago

Dear Neal, I love short stories & have a lot of books with them - yours are great, with the ads one at the end - the added touch. :) Before I began to read your book, I was prepared by your recap before your story which was very well done. Your stories are good because you create interest by having short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, which makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm commenting/backing your book to help it advance. Could you please return the favor by taking a moment to comment/back my TWO books, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" & the unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories," which tells at the end my illness now/6th abusive marraiage." Thanks, Susie :)

cat5149 wrote 1458 days ago

I really enjoyed reading this. Backed.

Carol

Andrew Burans wrote 1462 days ago

A wonderful collection of short stories - you have quite the vivid imagination. Your use of imagery and character development is excellent. Backed with pleasure.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Strauss wrote 1464 days ago

You are totally off the wall! But I like it! Backed. Straussy

Strauss wrote 1464 days ago

You are totally off the wall! But I like it! Backed. Straussy

carlashmore wrote 1477 days ago

I chose to read 'The Move' and 'Bob's Job' and just have to say these are amongst the most enjoyable short stories here. Beautifully written with a simple, morale message. Well done. Carl. The Time Hunters

RobinP wrote 1477 days ago

Neal, hi. I am going to do two things. Firstly back your book and once done, move it semi-permanently to my WL so I can continue to dip into it whenever the mood takes me which will, I suspect, be quite frequent.
Robin Piper.
Phuzamanzi.

blueboy wrote 1478 days ago

neal, ok, bases on the pitch and the first two chapters i will support his and wish you the best of luck. i would suggest editing before you make the desk, as the prose is a bit choppy on the front end, and you don;t want it to read awkward for the editors. so polish it up a bit, but over all, it is an interesitng read, with good character development. also your wit shines through in many places. gooluck with your manuwcript. blue boy

Micheal O'Durcain wrote 1478 days ago

forgot to say im w/l
MOD

Micheal O'Durcain wrote 1478 days ago

Hi I read the Aston, little and great stories, drink no drink. Seriously wierd. disjointed but a challenge.
Go for it.
Micheal O'Durcain
Murder on the Menu.

sjbal wrote 1480 days ago

Hi Neal,
This is indeed an unusual read, but one that is enjoyable and entertaining at the same time. The stories are unique and your style is perfectly suited to them. Backed with pleasure.
Good luck,
James (The Lycetta Legacy).

writingwildly wrote 1483 days ago

Brilliant writing! Short stories are tough to write, even tougher when you throw in so many fascinating twists. Really well done.
backed
Genevieve

kenwyn wrote 1486 days ago

HI Neal. Still dark here, but battling on in the intersts of saving the planet. The lights are off, but meanwhile this message travels all the way from my desk in NZ to yours..wherever. Think how much power THAT consumes. Oh well.

Anyway, enjoyed the first chapter. I won't call it a short story, because it was more like an extended trailer for the real thing. There is a whole book waiting to be written around that first premise, and I want more. I presume from you sardonic 'about me' you are a resident of the UK? Your first story contains all the right elements to convey that your MC is of the American persuasion. That is,right up to the point where he lives in a flat. A what!?!? We all know Americans live in apartments!

Also, your main character -born I am guessing in the 1980's? He would not have been brought up on cowboy movies. Be brave, do some research, find an alternative, and be specific, not generic. Think maybe Star Wars? (the cowboys & indians idea would still work)
Please, re-write chapter one as a complete novel in its own right, and set in in the present. Now that would be a story I would gladly pay to read! Keep in touch eh? Cheers. Matt.

klg wrote 1487 days ago

Wonderful and bizarre - we need more short story collections on here of this quality.

sean_hornby wrote 1487 days ago

Nice!! What a cool idea, to have a book to dip into at you leisure/time etc. I actually always seem to have a book on my kitchen table that I can pick up, read a bit and put down, and I'd have your book on my tabel to. Best of luck with this!!
Sean
Spirits and Demons

Esrevinu wrote 1488 days ago

The dialogue perfectly does what dialogue is supposed to do--which is support, back-story, tone or mood, motivation, and/or move the story forward etc.
It was very easy to be caught-up and drawn into the story
Your MC is well-developed--displaying insecurity, hopes, and dreams
Great storytelling
Best
Scott
The Esrevinu Chronicles/Secrets of the Elephant Rocks

Esrevinu wrote 1488 days ago

The dialogue perfectly does what dialogue is supposed to do--which is support, back-story, tone or mood, motivation, and/or move the story forward etc.
It was very easy to be caught-up and drawn into the story
Your MC is well-developed--displaying insecurity, hopes, and dreams
Great storytelling
Best
Scott
The Esrevinu Chronicles/Secrets of the Elephant Rocks

Hatts wrote 1489 days ago

Love the pitch - the stories are definately "edible"
Favourites = The Monster of Loch Tay and NoeL and LeoN
Excellent and backed with pleasure
Hatts

Natalie Jones wrote 1489 days ago

Read chapter 12 and damn if I don't have to read the chapter again to figure out what in the hell it's all about (LOL). It started out normal enough with the great line, "The telescope an antique of untraceable origin was a prize in a competition no one remember entering." That's a really wonderful line. But then you lost me at the Ol Clippety.

" . . . even (if) it was only from a picture book or telly .. ."

Still scratching my head, but how can I knock anyone with a wit or imaginative that exceeds my own.

Backed and Good Luck
Natalie

Ransom Heart wrote 1489 days ago

Non-interruptive euthansia, Italy's toe . . . Tell me where I can buy your mushrooms.
Backed.
Marianne (Saint Paddy and the Sundial)

kristinnb wrote 1491 days ago

These are great. Each of these are unique and creative in their own way. Brilliantly written. Backed!

Kristin
Demon in the Knight