Book Jacket

 

rank 733
word count 11561
date submitted 30.09.2013
date updated 18.01.2014
genres: Fantasy, Children's, Comedy
classification: universal
complete

Emma and the Magic Bubble Machine

Brian G Chambers

A young girl falls into a large bubble and gets carried away to Fairy Land, where she is expected to rescue the Fairy Queen.

 

Emma's grandfather is too lazy to play with her, so he gets his old wind up bubble making machine out of the shed; so that Emma can entertain herself. He tells her that it is a magic bubble machine, which it turns out is true. He does not know of course that it is magic. Emma finds herself transported away to Fairy Land, where she is asked to rescue the Fairy Queen; who is being held prisoner by the Gnomes of Roams. Can Emma rescue the Fairy Queen and manage to return home safely?

This story has been loaded twice, so you only need to read chapter one.

 
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Sheena Macleod wrote 114 days ago

A little bump

Dawn Wessel wrote 167 days ago

This is a cute story for young children as it teaches them manners and how to be good diplomats.

Neuravinci wrote 190 days ago

Hey there,

I read through the first chapter. Actually, it was rather engaging. A bit more refreshing, childlike (in a good way) than some others I've read on this site. It seems..bubbly...like a cute little child novel, which is what it is! the voice is good

Squirrely wrote 195 days ago

This would be a great book for lots of fun illustrations. The tone is very lighthearted and playful and I found it to be funny because everything is so mild, such as how the gnomes aren't really enemies for long. However there are a lot of weird punctuation errors. Such as when the fairy says, "Do you think this is the moon", there is no question mark.

At the very beginning I wasn't sure of just how fanciful the story would be, so maybe some foreshadowing or a wacky description of the grandparents would help set the mood early. But overall it's funny. This story would make for terrific illustrations!

Sue Harris wrote 210 days ago

Hi Brian

This is a lovely, magical story one I found quite unique and funny, particularly your little rhymes which kids love.
The story unfolds at a good pace and you bring to life all the little characters beautifully.. I have read some of the other reviews and perhaps agree that the wonderment of floating in a bubble could be more dramatic and exciting, perhaps an escort of magical birds when a storm brews up, or resting for a while on a rainbow. These are just suggestions, so feel free to ignore, it is your story and style, and I enjoyed it enormously, you have a very lively imagination which I have no doubt kids will love.

Well done and high stars from me.
Best wishes
Sue

Shelagh Watkins wrote 217 days ago

What an endearing fairytale, Brian! It has all the ingredients of a children's story: magic, fairies, adventure, wonder. This is a book begging to be read to children at bedtime ... or any other time! I can imagine their eyes growing wider as they imagine themselves inside a bubble, floating away in the sky to fairyland. Wonderful!

The story needs editing (you're for your, its for it's, missing commas inside quotation marks, capital letter after a full stop), but there's nothing that can't be fixed. You are a born storyteller -- I suspect your children/grandchildren already know that! Good luck with this; it is a charming story!

Best wishes,
Shelagh

HannahSpencer wrote 252 days ago

Hi Brian,
I've had a quick look, as promised. It seems a lovely story, sparkling and magical, very Alice in Wonderland! I jumped to the ending, which is left open with so many possibilities, a perfect ending for a fairy tale. I wonder if granddad could be more bumbling and incompetent to add to the humour early on? Perhaps he drops the bubble machine on his toe or something?
Best of luck with it,
Hannah

Bev Carr wrote 257 days ago

A charming story which I'm sure that young children would love. The very thought of travelling in a bubble, how lovely. Although, in some ways, I feel the story could benefit from the voice of Emma herself, not all from the perspective of her grandparents. The descriptions of the church beneath her, floating over land and sea, could be even more magical.

A few comments on the text itself.

Chapter 1
p2 week end (One word)
NOW A DAYS (ONE WORD)

Sure enough, when he set the machine down on the grass the bubbles started to come out of the little clown's mouth. (I'm not sure, probably just me, but am not sold with this sentence, perhaps as an alternative. )
Sure enough, when he set the machine down on the grass, from out of the clown's mouth, bubbles appeared.

Just an observation, but for the first 16 paragraphs, I assumed that Emma was a small baby, without a voice. I wasn't sure how old she was, or if indeed she was old enough to speak. Perhaps a brief mention of Emma's age sooner, or maybe involve Emma in the conversation before then.

Emma fell head first into the bubble and it carried her high into the sky. (That's such a lovely part, I would use a little more description, perhaps...........
Emma fell head first into the bubble and it didn't pop, oh no, it began to lift with Emma inside. It rose, higher and higher until it was floating up and up into the sky.

"Don't you mean what are we going to do? (missing closing speech mark)

They are headed South out of Weymouth (heading?)

I shall read on soon, when time allows.

Bev
Oliver & the Missing Parents

Shannon Peel wrote 262 days ago

Fairy stories always bring out the wonder in a children. Bubbles and fairies are a good match. I can see this story being for very young kids. Consider checking out the early readers and first chapter books requirements and re work the story to meet them.

Brendie wrote 279 days ago

Hi Brian - stories like this awaken the child inside of me, cartwheeling me back to a time of magic and imagination. You capture the chaos of the difference of opinion between Grandma and Grandad very well. It's a lovely story with a good pace. Well done ...
I hate to say it but I'm easily distracted by confused punctuation, but I notice other people have alerted you to some of the glaring ones so I imagine there will be a bit of re editing going on soon. Good luck with it, and it'll be on my shelf soon ...
Brendan

Debbie R wrote 288 days ago

Brian
I saw you had a new book up so thought I'd take a look.
This is a charming and humorous fairy story that I am sure children will love reading or listening to.
I like the grandparents characters with him wanting to put his feet up and her busy hanging out the washing.
This has the feel of an old-fashioned fairy tale but with a modern touch which will make it more accessible to today's youngsters.
I liked the image of a gnome is welly boots and the fact Emma thought Norman had a bump on his head only to discover that all the gnomes heads looked like that beneath their hats.
Emma is a brave and sensible heroine, even concerned how her grandparents will be worried about her when she is in Fairy Land.
Do you have illustrations for this as they would really complement the story.

I hope this does as well as your previous work on here.
Debbie
(EVE)

Brian G Chambers wrote 293 days ago

Thank you Kristin for taking the time to point out some of my errors. I will sort them out and reload asap. Brian.

Hi Brian!
What a charming short story. I can totally see this as an elaborated picture book or a young child's book. Either way it teaches some great lessons. I'm thinking that you could either do a little more rhyming or lower the age a bit, meaning to take out a bunch of words.

ie. Emma say at her Nana and Granddad's caravan, while her mum and dad decorated her bedroom at home (how were they decorating? painting?

Nana Sandra was tasked to entertain five-year-old Emma and continue the house chores.

Ch 1
- First para you have Nana capitalized but not granddad. Wouldn't granddad be capitalized too in this situation? And again same comment for para 2.
- week end is one word.
- After they are outside missing the period: "...I mean it has been in that chest for years and years." asked Sandra. Either move "asked Sandra" or do "said Sandra".
- I would use a descriptive word other than "thing" after he set the machine on the grass.
- "Not like the plastic throw away rubbish you get now a days,(.)" h(H)e beamed. comma should be a period and capitalize He.
- Either say "What do you mean that you're finished out here?" or What do you mean 'that's you' finished out here?"
- How old is the child? Wouldn't she say something like all kids would?
- lots of 'was' words in the bubble para.
- POV change, last para in chapter 1

Ch 2
- change nearer to closer in the first para.
- end quote needed: "Hello, (add comma) big girl. What's your name(") A(a)sked one of the little fairies.
- end quotes: "Why you're in Fairy Bubble Land, that's where you are. Where did you think you were? The moon," the fairy answered, (remove comma) and giggled at the same time.
- Love the Gnomes from Roams (ha!)
- throw not through.

Ch 3
- probably wouldn't use the word 'stupid' maybe 'not smart'
- POV switch again
- really like the concept of the Bubble.
- ha! am laughing about the bump on the head dialogue

Kristin
The Guardian

KristinVan26 wrote 293 days ago

Hi Brian!
What a charming short story. I can totally see this as an elaborated picture book or a young child's book. Either way it teaches some great lessons. I'm thinking that you could either do a little more rhyming or lower the age a bit, meaning to take out a bunch of words.

ie. Emma say at her Nana and Granddad's caravan, while her mum and dad decorated her bedroom at home (how were they decorating? painting?

Nana Sandra was tasked to entertain five-year-old Emma and continue the house chores.

Ch 1
- First para you have Nana capitalized but not granddad. Wouldn't granddad be capitalized too in this situation? And again same comment for para 2.
- week end is one word.
- After they are outside missing the period: "...I mean it has been in that chest for years and years." asked Sandra. Either move "asked Sandra" or do "said Sandra".
- I would use a descriptive word other than "thing" after he set the machine on the grass.
- "Not like the plastic throw away rubbish you get now a days,(.)" h(H)e beamed. comma should be a period and capitalize He.
- Either say "What do you mean that you're finished out here?" or What do you mean 'that's you' finished out here?"
- How old is the child? Wouldn't she say something like all kids would?
- lots of 'was' words in the bubble para.
- POV change, last para in chapter 1

Ch 2
- change nearer to closer in the first para.
- end quote needed: "Hello, (add comma) big girl. What's your name(") A(a)sked one of the little fairies.
- end quotes: "Why you're in Fairy Bubble Land, that's where you are. Where did you think you were? The moon," the fairy answered, (remove comma) and giggled at the same time.
- Love the Gnomes from Roams (ha!)
- throw not through.

Ch 3
- probably wouldn't use the word 'stupid' maybe 'not smart'
- POV switch again
- really like the concept of the Bubble.
- ha! am laughing about the bump on the head dialogue

Kristin
The Guardian

Amondra wrote 293 days ago

This a really nice little story. It's been a while so I had to find the flow that most children stories have. Not your fault completely mine. This is something I would sit down and read to my nephew when he comes over. This has the right amount of laughter and wonder in it for any child to enjoy.

I thought your imagery, word usage was great. It was right where it needs to be so when I child has this read to them they understand what is going on and can picture it. Or if the child is reading it themselves it is easy to understand.

Temulkar wrote 294 days ago

Hi Brian,

Chapter one is really engaging although Arthur is grumpy and lazy he and Sandra are likeable and the Police reaction emphasises what a fantastic thing has happened whilst injecting some humour.

Chapter 2, the pace works really well and the plot starts to unfold, although Im a little worried about the poor grandparents. Good cliffhanger for an end to draw kids in.

Chapter 3 cliffhanger resloved a bit quickly, I thought you could have played on the tension a bit more. good to flash back to the grandparents and another good cliffhanger which is perfect for a bedtime read.

Chapter 4 continued the plot and the pace picked up again I felt, I liked the wordplay on goblin and you always end the chapters in an engaging way that will keep interest.

I think this is a great little read, which I may have to show my niece next time I get suckered into babysitting for my sister.

I hope that's ok, things like punctuation are really not my strong point so pointless me commenting other than it looked fine.

Jim Provost wrote 295 days ago

Hello Brian. Well I loved your book. When Emma gets carried away in the bubble I thought of the good witch from the Wizard of Oz. Gnomes from Roams rolls off the tongue great. I think your style of writing is similar to mine as again it is easy for kids to understand and there is humour injected into the pages. Good luck with this book. I'm sure that this will also be a winner.

sarap wrote 296 days ago

What a lovely story.The idea of a magical bubble carrying you off to Fairy Land is brilliant. I'm sure it will do well here and I wish you every success:)
Just one observation, a few commas need removing!
High stars and on my WL.

Sara
The Enchanted Bridesmaid Dress

Geowonderland wrote 296 days ago

Brian,
Another charming story from you. Great idea of a bubble taking the main character to the fairy land. The part that I enjoyed the most was the conversation of the grandma with the policeman. That was pretty funny.
The only thing that I was wondering about was if you were giving too much info in the long pitch. See how other people feel about it.
High stars.
Aneta

GILLIAN.M.H wrote 299 days ago

I could feel Sandra's exasperation with her lazy husband, Arthur, who probably only works an hour a day longer at his job, but dismisses her work as 'part-time.' [ He sounds like the sort of jerk who would not lift a finger if he retires before his wife, imo.
The conversation with the police who were going to send bubble cars out had me laughing out loud.

Chapter 2 - This one has much to appeal to children. Rhymes, gnomes from the Roams. In chapter one Emma is a small child, but in 2, she is a giant compared with the fairies, and even the gnomes. I also like how you say how the bubble distorts images, without you sounding like a teacher.

Sheena Macleod wrote 299 days ago

Brain, great to see a longer story from you - Following your two books of short stories.
Again, this will appeal to your readers.
I would like to see Emma & the Magic Bubble Machine illustrated.

Suggested edits
Emma (and) the Magic Bubble Machine
Long Pitch - Which turns out to be true
Good luck with publishing

Sheena
Carnival of Lies ( Popish Plot retitled)

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