Callistification

Dear Nation,



When this hayseed (me) saw Callistification (coming from a scientist what’s more) he scrambled for his dictionary. Nothing there. Oh God, these scientists. And me only going to farm school. Then your synopsis. Callisto. Whew.

If there was anything wrong with your pitch or synopsis, I would say so. HC told us earlier this year the editor wants to know what happens in each novel. Not only do you tell her, good for you, but you do it admirably. I was killing myself laughing at the concept I saw you putting together.

This novel is going to be a lot of fun. I’ll shout if there are flaws (of which mine is full of). Entertainment is virtually the only requirement of story telling. We must write for the reader, not for the writing.

I’ll tell you in advance that after two chapters, Callistification is enthusiastically on my bookshelf.

Comments as I read.

I took ‘home’ literally and of course only realized in the next few paras it was merely a shelter or a lean-to. But then the situation became poignant.

Small comment. Just because Nelson is imaginary doesn’t mean the genre has to be fantasy.

An easy to read, clean writing style that matches the story telling. I’m having a lot of fun watching the characters and hearing them speak.

Nice work with the dialogue sans ‘he said she said’. I only discovered this last year and changed my whole manuscript. Your dialogue flows naturally and unhindered.

This is a lovely story. I am not finding fault. Most people on this site have been driven mad by me telling them to pare their narrative because it slows the story down. Not here.
One para only that I thought was a bit long and might be divided in two.

Chapter two. The story is flying. Novels are about people, not things and your characters are driving this like crazy. I wish I could write the dialogue you do.

Smiling at ‘crock’. Didn’t realize people still used words like that. Appropriate noun.

You know what is coming through? Energetic. Vibrant. This is about the most ‘alive’ story telling I have seen.

Nothing for me to criticize. I suspect you have already done all the tweaking and polishing you need to.

So those are the views of a farm boy.

Go well with your work. I struggle and only progress through many rewrites.


Kind regards,



Pierre.

The Little Girl in the Fig Tree

Hi Nation, Callistification is a great read! Reading your blurb, I was nervous about how you might handle Nelson, but I love the fact that Cally is so matter of fact about him and, I'm sure that if I was ever in Cally's situation, I would like to have a Nelson to keep me company, too. I enjoyed Cally's metaphysical argument with the nun, too, very amusing. A lot of fun plus an intriguing mystery, what more could a reader want. BACKED. With many thanks, Andrew (author of BIG FISH)

oh right up my street!

a good bit of innocent fun, as wonderfully imaginative characters get involved in a romp.

if only the world was always so much fun.

LOVE IT-SHELVED-TJ

hehehhehe,
This is goooooooooooooooooooood, I like Nelson ;)

On my shelf :D
Kimmy

HI Nation, I thought Cuthbert was eccentric, lets hope your characters don't meet my characters and have babies. Great fun, absolutely original, the potential is endless. That penguin will definitely rise up the pecking order! No grammatical thoughts at all, the story is the thing. Happily shelved. Patrick Barrett, (Shakespeares Cuthbert)

This is really good. I especially like the fact that Nelson seems to be Callisto's conscious in some ways (I love her name, by the way). What she does to Harry's partner is absolutely hilarious- the poor guy doesn't see it coming. I like the way that Harry trusts Callisto as well. It's a shame he gets killed off.
Shelved.

I found the best, funniest and most original aspect of your opening chapter was the penguin. a real coup. i imagine that this could turn out to be a really cool, slightly surreal thriller as your short pitch implies.

right now i feel that there is some more editing to be done to highlight the story and the humour. the longish conversations which pepper chapter one slow things down and if i were you i would cut these to the bone so that every word tells.

as a work in progress i feel this has great potential and i wish you well with it.
xx
maitreyi
BLOGSPOT

Dear Nation,

Suggest you change the title. I was trying to sing this book's praises, and couldn't remember the title!

Suggest breaking up the long pitch into paragraphs. Readers see it as a cube of text, which is not as easy on the eye as smaller, digestible bits.
There's a cloudy pronoun in the pitch: "Harry's old partner, Sheldon – who she hates in order to solve his death." Need to say Harry's death, otherwise she's hating a dead Sheldon.

I'm loving your story, an updated "Harvey" meets The Homeless Girl

Come the opening and boom, we get that she's living on the streets, and her companion is a creature with a flipper. With a monocle.

Funny, he can't hold his drink. She's smart, ready with the quips as her "home" falls apart. And a smart girl is immediately likable, especially when she's unafraid to mouth off to bureaucrats. And merry, as she lifts the other guy's wallet.

The fact that the imaginary Nelson keeps bumping into her is delicious.

Calisto suddenly turns into Cally; how about setting that up. "Calisto, or Cally as she was known to …"

Aha! The vile "you" as in "It was late, you don't open your door …" It violates the fourth wall. Fine for the character, if the character is addressing someone, but the third person POV doesn't chat with the reader. Unless, of course, she/he does with consistency. So far, I'm not seeing that.

With the nun getting up, I thought the nun had left. How about the nun rose? Or stood up? Then something to indicate that she's still there during all the ensuing Cally business. Since there's so much narrative as to how Cally's drying what, might we get a description of her?

Could be simpler: "The patrolling nun walked away." Don't think you need all the directional info about the nun at that point.

Aaack! You did a penguin/nun joke! I love this! And oh my goodness, I actually did not see it coming!

I hope you address later in this book: a girl this bright, and clever, living on the streets … maybe, hopefully more than mentally ill. Maybe this is her choice? Assume this is looked at later.

Marvelous parallel to the nun's invisible friend ... and a fabulous ending to Ch 1. Will dip back in for more of the adventures of Cally and Nelson. For now, two flippers up and shelved!

A charming, quirky and amusing read with engaging plot and characters. Be wary of classing it as fantasy, because it doesn't really fit that genre. Shelved with pleasure.

Interesting and fun premise...and fun to read, too. How can I decide what to put on my shelf? I'm new and I'm already having problems deciding. I cannot imagine how difficult it must be for those who have been around longer.

I have a writing craft suggestion, although I do agree that telling a good story, even when there are writing flaws, is more important than the actual writing. But a good story is even better when it's written in a way that shows that the author breaks the rules intentionally. Here, I'm not so sure. Plus, the more stuff we can eliminate from our writing that puts off agents and publishers, the better (see Noah Lukeman's The First Five Pages).

Take my comments with a grain of salt because with comedic writing, breaking the rules is part of the fun!

Okay, here goes: a quote from the NY Times about Ludlum's writing:

From a review of The Bourne Identity by Robert Ludlum
The New York Times, March 11, 1990

"…Aside from penning such panting prose, Mr. Ludlum has other peculiarities. For example, he hates the ''he said'' locution and avoids it as much as possible. Characters in ''The Bourne Ultimatum'' seldom ''say'' anything. Instead, they cry, interject, interrupt, muse, state, counter, conclude, mumble, whisper (Mr. Ludlum is great on whispers), intone, roar, exclaim, fume, explode, mutter. There is one especially unforgettable tautology: '' 'I repeat,' repeated Alex.''
"The book may sell in the billions, but it's still junk.”

Hey! If one of my novels sold in the billions, I wouldn't care what people said about the actual writing.

By quoting from the above review, I'm not saying that your writing is junk. Far from it. However, you might want to reconsider some of your speech tags, especially when you repeat the same one very close to the first (e.g., growl, near the beginning of c.1.)

Also, you might consider reducing the number of adverbs...they tend to prop up weak verbs, and you often don't need them.

I'll WL this one and read more later.

Cheers,
Sheryl

Nation,

This is one quirky story, and I mean that in a good way. I must say I've never come across a character like Nelson before, except in childrens books. Nelson alone had me captivated from the very beginning. I love the mystery here. Happy to give it a turn on my shelf.

Heidi
Turning Red

Callistification Nation, this is just wonderful! I picked it completely at random and can't believe what a gem I've found. You are a natural writer - set aside the typos for a moment, although you know they have to be fixed if you're seriously pitching this at publishers. You launch into the story at just the right point, in just the right way, and carry the back story along with the dialogue beautifully. There's no surplus description but you capture the setting and the characters with absolute mastery. I've read two chapters and will read more, but I'm shelving this straight away on pure talent and on the fact that I grinned all the way through. I can just see the movie in my mind.
Katie

Hello Nation,

You have a beautiful story here, written on a compelling premise. In Callisto and Nelson, you crafted an intriguing pair that you successfully made alive in chapter one. Sheldon and Harry engaging Callisto in a split manner raises more curiosity and the stance with the nun was brilliant. Diaolgue was effective and so is your descriptions.

A few typos can be fixed to make this work more appealing.

All the best.

Janvier (Flash of the Sun)

Nation, original, funny and accomplished. Shelved.
Lynn

Nation,
Such an insightful story. Callisto is a great main character. Shes sharp, quick witted, good on her feet and has a lot of good comebacks. Great idea to have Nelson be her sidekick. Started laughing to have a black and white penguin mocking a nun dressed in black and white. Funny that he gets drunk on tea. Insightful to have her bantering with the sister of invisible friends being helpful. I need to come back and read more of this great story, but for now, putting it on my shelf.
Jeff

Hello, Nation - as promised, m'dear. This was a natty little read. Great fun, and you have a really good comic style, very subtle, tongue-in-cheek hunour. Nicely done, m'dear. Here are my random thoughts, as they occurred:

- great pitch, but fuck me, do you need some commas? "that[,] she is perfectly...boy[,] she doesn't think... teen[,] Cally... no alternative[,] Sheldon... information[,] as his own";
- also in your pitch, "[don't] are unwilling[y]": delete rogue 'don't and 'y';
- "who[m] she hates [-] in order": add 'm' and dash, to break up the long sentence;
- "dead[. T]hey realise": I'd start a new sentence there, m'dear;
- in chpt 1, "this[,]" Harry said[,] offering": need commas;
- "put an[d] arm": delete rogue 'd';
- "A[n] elderly nun": need the 'n';
- great dialogue in chpt 2 as well. Nicely paced and flows vey cleanly;
- "I remember [those]": why plural? 'Home' surely demands 'that'?;
- "if he pushed[,] all": need comma;
- "plume of fabric": lovely stuff;
- "better th[e]n on the street": need an 'a' rather than 'e';
- cracking end to chpt 2.

Otherwise, a cracking start, m'dear, and worth a moment on the sesty shelf. Look forward to your thoughts on 'Pistols'. If you could drop by before the end of the month I'd be eternally grateful. Desperate to stay on the damned desk this month, if I can. Best of luck with 'Callistification' (great title too, btw) - sestius

I knew when I saw the pitch for this that I would love it. As usual, I was right. (It feels good to be consistently right about books.) This is awesome. Cally is so matter of fact about everything, and being matter of fact about things that a lot of people would be pretty miserable about is one of my favorite literary devices. You are awesome. I'm backing this. I sat and tried to come up with a cool little rhyme for backed, like "In like flynn," or "on like Donkey Kong," but the best I could think of was backed like a duck that's quacked. So, I don't think I'll bother with...shit.

A series of very good ideas here, Nation. I loved the penguin, although this is the first time I've come across a penguin in this role on Authonomy. Shades of Harvey, or even Donnie Darko. I think you've got a lot of skill as a novelist here. I can see this going all the way.

Dear Nation,



When this hayseed (me) saw Callistification (coming from a scientist what’s more) he scrambled for his dictionary. Nothing there. Oh God, these scientists. And me only going to farm school. Then your synopsis. Callisto. Whew.

If there was anything wrong with your pitch or synopsis, I would say so. HC told us earlier this year the editor wants to know what happens in each novel. Not only do you tell her, good for you, but you do it admirably. I was killing myself laughing at the concept I saw you putting together.

This novel is going to be a lot of fun. I’ll shout if there are flaws (of which mine is full of). Entertainment is virtually the only requirement of story telling. We must write for the reader, not for the writing.

I’ll tell you in advance that after two chapters, Callistification is enthusiastically on my bookshelf.

Comments as I read.

I took ‘home’ literally and of course only realized in the next few paras it was merely a shelter or a lean-to. But then the situation became poignant.

Small comment. Just because Nelson is imaginary doesn’t mean the genre has to be fantasy.

An easy to read, clean writing style that matches the story telling. I’m having a lot of fun watching the characters and hearing them speak.

Nice work with the dialogue sans ‘he said she said’. I only discovered this last year and changed my whole manuscript. Your dialogue flows naturally and unhindered.

This is a lovely story. I am not finding fault. Most people on this site have been driven mad by me telling them to pare their narrative because it slows the story down. Not here.
One para only that I thought was a bit long and might be divided in two.

Chapter two. The story is flying. Novels are about people, not things and your characters are driving this like crazy. I wish I could write the dialogue you do.

Smiling at ‘crock’. Didn’t realize people still used words like that. Appropriate noun.

You know what is coming through? Energetic. Vibrant. This is about the most ‘alive’ story telling I have seen.

Nothing for me to criticize. I suspect you have already done all the tweaking and polishing you need to.

So those are the views of a farm boy.

Go well with your work. I struggle and only progress through many rewrites.


Kind regards,



Pierre.

The Little Girl in the Fig Tree

I loved this, Nation, it made me laugh. Esp the line 'Your imaginary friend has a white beard...' Priceless!
I do think you have too many tags, you're very fond of 'he informed her..' or 'she informed him..' I'd cut most of them or change them to simply 'he said'..'she said'.. It's all you really need.
On my shelf purely for the imaginary penguin!
xx
Cas.

Hi Nation. A very good story. Calisto is developed superbly. Her imaginary penguin adds playfulness and mystery. The nun is endearing. There's a typo or misread return on chapter 1 where two dialogue lines are on one line. There is one, She said in chapter 1 in stead of she said. Excellent revelation the penguin is invisible. Humorous conversation comparing the penguin to Jesus. All supporting entertainment around the missing kid. A strong hook for the nun to pause when looking at the photo. A fun mystery. On my shelf, and warmest regards. Janet Marie

Dear Nation,

Um. Hello?? You have invented a homeless sleuth whose sidekick is an imaginary penguin in a monocle who gets high on tea? And by the end of Ch. 3 there have been more hints than one that said penguin is, in fact, more or less God? Okay .... I love it! Who knew??

I am thrilled to bits to know that England's youth are being exposed to such an inventive character.

The only thing that stopped me a little short is that the murder of Harry is pretty darned brutal, such a tough contrast to the lighter tone of the rest. I can see that this is critical to your plot, though ... it just had such a young, almost innocent feeling to me before that. Just something to think about, maybe. It's really absurd of me even to say so, when I bought the tea-sozzled penguin hook, line and sinker.

I already feel a great affection for this book and will look forward to finishing it as soon as time permits. Best of luck, Maria.

Okay you have a penguin with a monocle! Already I am excited! I also really like the description of her delux biodregradable, eco friendly home! So funny! I also like the conversation about whether or not she's nuts. The one with Sheldon. Seriously I am really liking this. I love this line: Well your imaginary friend has a white beard and wears a dress!" Hhahahahaa

Shelving this because it's just so fun to read!

Rachel May
Going Twice

Mad. Funny. A penguin mimicking a nun, made me smile.
Clearly there is also a depth to this story which ensures that the madness doesn't get boring.

Happy to shelve and wish you all the best.

Kat

This is great. Kind of like a 21st century version of the James Stewart movie Harvey, only with a darker twist to it. Love Nelson and the fact that he can't hold his drink. I also admire the fact that just like real life we mix in the laugh out loud moments with sheer pathos, fear and tension. In many ways this is a thriller but you don't knock us over the head with misery. Instead you make us laugh. I found this refreshingly different.

Hi Nation, Callistification is a great read! Reading your blurb, I was nervous about how you might handle Nelson, but I love the fact that Cally is so matter of fact about him and, I'm sure that if I was ever in Cally's situation, I would like to have a Nelson to keep me company, too. I enjoyed Cally's metaphysical argument with the nun, too, very amusing. A lot of fun plus an intriguing mystery, what more could a reader want. BACKED. With many thanks, Andrew (author of BIG FISH)

It could be improved with a vampire. ONLY JOKING.

This is great. Just good fun. Characters well drawn and say amusing stuff and genuinely enjoyed it. Great penguin.

You’ve got a great narrative voice. The characters are quirky and the storyline intriguing, and you provide plenty of humour. You build a believable relationship between Harry and Cally before delivering the shock at the end of chapter 2.

There are some problems in chapter 1 with the punctuation, which is either in the wrong place or omitted completely. Also, there is a problem with misspelling words, for example you use wonder instead of wander a couple of time. Chapter 2 was better. Luckily these are problems that can be fixed and I liked you’re story a lot because of the compelling narrative and eccentric characters.

I’ve put you on my shelf.

oh right up my street!

a good bit of innocent fun, as wonderfully imaginative characters get involved in a romp.

if only the world was always so much fun.

LOVE IT-SHELVED-TJ

This sounds fascinating. On my watch list. I'll be back for more.

Joanna

hehehhehe,
This is goooooooooooooooooooood, I like Nelson ;)

On my shelf :D
Kimmy

I loved the story and especially the penguin. The humor was spot on for me. I'm sorry to say I wasn't able to get into it fully because of some early grammar issues. I thought though that if you clear them up, you'll have a tight engaging story. I would specifically look to clear up the first few paragraphs.

I'll be happy to look at it again if you edit your novel, so drop me a line in the future, if you want. Good luck with your novel! It is very original and creative.

Hi,
I really enjoyed this - what a great idea!
I love your main character and I did laugh - often.
I've read to the end of Chapter 2 and I agree with others that it does need a bit of an edit but nothing major and certainly nothing that spoiled the story for me.
This deserves to do well, it's very original ;-)
I'ts up on my shelf,
Best wishes,
Annabelle
(Ps. Would really appreciate your thoughts on Adelaide' ;-))

HI Nation, I thought Cuthbert was eccentric, lets hope your characters don't meet my characters and have babies. Great fun, absolutely original, the potential is endless. That penguin will definitely rise up the pecking order! No grammatical thoughts at all, the story is the thing. Happily shelved. Patrick Barrett, (Shakespeares Cuthbert)

Cally and Nelson, what a pair! Where in the world did you come up with a penguin? This is too funny. I'm only on chapter two and loving it...I laughed out loud when I read: Everytime Nelson drunk to much they ended up drawing unwanted attention to themselves...So funny! (but I think it should read: drank too much)
I did notice some very long sentences and like my book, your story needs a good edit job. (comma placement, run on words and such) But that is nothing, you've accomplished the major part, writing a good book..:)
On my shelf
Jan (LAZY CATS)

Hi Nation.

The use of a penguin? Genius! It's one of the funniest acting and looking animals, and yet the monocle and moustache give him a little bit of class; nice to see. It's a really quirky idea. The pace is nice, although some lines need tightening up a little; i.e. they run into one another, when they're two separate sentences. Other than that it's a very interesting, unique story, quite unusual.

Hope this is helpful! Everyone else has pretty much summed it up well!

Billie
XX

This is hilarious! The line about the nun's imaginary friend has to be one of the funniest lines ever! The tone is pitch perfect to my ear and the tension pulls the narrative along wonderfully. SHELVED! Oh, Jake wants some of Nelson's tea!

This is brilliant, funny, and tugs at the heart all at once. What a fantastic main character and I love the story line. You have yourself a winner here. I've only read through the 2nd chapter but already found myself attached to Cally and even to her friend the penguin. I can't really find fault with anything, however I believe your manuscript needs a good punctuation review. I tend to overpunctuate and from what I can see you have the opposite problem. We should blend our flaws and maybe come out just perfect.

Nation,
I like the story. My only suggestion is to tighten it up. There are some points where it needs cut back. Other than that it is smashing. On my shelf.
Charity

Hi Nation,
Just stumbled on this when trying to keep myself busy inthe run up to eds desk - (hanging on by my fingernails)
Cally is a great heroine - feisty, funny and ok, a little nuts - but she deserves to have one friend. The idea of a penguin is amusing, but a penguin with a monocle - brilliant, and one who gets drunk on tea - even better.
Loved ' blister of water...' (though should there be 'a' before it?) / 'fully biodegradeable..... deluxe residence.' - priceless.
A couple of places where I'd suggest trimming - 'Just a little nuts?' (you say) / 'heading to alocal shelter (that would take pity on them in their drowned rat state.') - Thats what shelters do - you don't need to spell it out.
I enjoyed the relationship between Harry and Cally - you've set him up nicely as a 'good cop' and therefore we care when he's murdered.
The only real issue I had here was with the final para of ch 2 - which is obviously crucial - I thingk you need to rethink it completely - particularly take out the 'Ok its a group known as...' -Too much of 'The murderer is...' cliche of cliches. And the unblinking eyes staring back at her ' - I don't get the impression (though I could be wrong) that you've thought in detail about how he was killed and therefore this doesn't convince. Which is a great pity in an otherwise very entertaining read and definitely one I would continue with.
There is the issue of punctuation - I have this prob. too - lots of missing commas, worth you going over it to look for those.
Good luck with this,
Margaret - Spin on my shelf, for sure.

Dear Nation,

This is a great story. There are so many standard plotlines on this site, it is a pleasure to come across an original. It is also well-written, with great dialogue and humour.

However, you really need to do another edit. Your sentence structure is terminal. The first error is in your teaser, and they continue through your synopsis, and overflow with wild abandon throughout the story. You must realize that on Authonomy you are competing against people who have done numerous rewrites in order to demonstrate professional standards of craftsmanship. Word usage is also a problem.

Enough lecture. I'm going to look this over again, and try for some comments on structure and characterisation.

Well done!