Book Jacket

 

rank 5935
word count 16464
date submitted 30.03.2014
date updated 30.03.2014
genres: Fiction, Literary Fiction, Popular ...
classification: moderate
incomplete

1st DRAFT post HC review of The Existence Game

Judy Adams

After HC review, taking their suggestions and those of many Authonomites, this is the first new attempt. Any suggestions sincerely appreciated!!

 

HC and several Authonomy friends have suggested that The Existence Game has far too much narrative/exposition and too little dialogue and action. I'm working on rewriting, and am concerned that without MC Alex's back story being presented in the first couple of chapters, (which it's done with narrative and exposition) she won't be a particularly engaging character because readers won't really understand much about her quirkiness or dysfunctional behavior. I'm working hard to try to create an interesting, compelling character in Alex and would be very grateful for any ideas anyone has. This is the first draft rewrite of The Existence Game, posted as a separate story. Thanks very much!!

 
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tags

borderline personality disorder, child abuse, mental illness, recovery, sexual abuse, therapy

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2 comments

 

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Maevesleibhin wrote 102 days ago

Well, I have not done a compare and contrast, but it's very good and very reminiscent of my memory of the original. It is just as compellling and easy to read.
Two wee notes: as I mentioned, I think Paul saying he misses the beach in San Francisco is odd.
Also, there is a typo in the suicide note.
Generally, I think it hooks well. Her irrational terrors are the real hook for me, and I would take even more of that.
I like the GR very much. I think he is just right, I particularly like him taunting her after thay leaves the Pub.
The story about her friend (Kenneth? I am rubbish with names) getting fired is fun and creates good ambiance for the Pub. You do come back here later, don't you? I remember several very fun scenes at the Pub which I hope you did not take out altogether.
I also remember that the scene with Gunner was a bit more involved,and that the Nick presses charges after he leaves his little message othe side of the building. I hope that comes in later, as the event did a lot to give the feeling that things were turning around for her.
Not incredibly helpful, I know. Bottom line is that I would keep reading.
Please let me know if you would like my twopence on anything in particlualr.
Best,
Maeve

evwalker wrote 114 days ago

Okay, here goes--my two cents, though, as we know, two cents isn't worth much of anything these days :)

I like your opening a lot better--it feels a lot more like a novel and less like a memoir. Though I did miss the part where she says she likes the name Alexis but it makes her feel like she's in trouble--wait, read further down and found something similar with Alex's conversation with her mom.

Showing the scene where Nick comes over to ask Alex for the rent is the right choice, I think. I felt more engaged in the story than when she just mentioned how Gunner hadn't paid the rent. It also shows what Gunner did with the money.

Dialogue: good so far, though when Alex said what she did about the tea (you'll appreciate its distinctive smoky flavor), it didn't really feel to me like something she would say. Other than that, very good.

'Gunner was my boyfriend' isn't needed, I don't think. She says she'll ask him when he gets home, and in the next paragraph she talks about knowing about his cocaine habit before they started dating.

'there was a good chance all my rent money had gone right up Gunner's nose'--love it!

Back story about how she'd always been afraid of the dark is good...but maybe a little too long. That, and the back story about waitressing and bartending and her alcohol problem...maybe that should moved to where she gets fired from her job?

'What did you do to make Gunner move out.' Ugh--tells volumes about her mom's feelings about Alex, doesn't it? Perfect.

Alex's personality and sense of humor continues to shine through, and are perhaps even more well-done than in your original manuscript. She was engaging before, but modifying/moving around back story has helped her feel even more 'real' to me. Granted, I've read the story before so I know Alex isn't 'normal,' but I think that even if I hadn't, I could tell from the first chapter she's not quite right, if not exactly why. And it's okay to not understand what's up with the character right off, it actually makes me read further to figure out what's going on with them.

Just finished the first chapter for now. I'll be back when time permits. Unfortunately for me, right now time refuses to permit much of anything :)





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