Book Jacket

 

rank 1271
word count 93233
date submitted 11.02.2009
date updated 15.01.2010
genres: Fiction, Science Fiction, Fantasy, ...
classification: universal
complete

The Bibble

James Stanford

Could music be the key to the perfect world - and why are comfortable shoes so damned important?

 

‘The Bibble’ is the story of an extra terrestrial road trip during which an extraordinarily average fellow deals with discovering that the fate of Earth and its five sister planets may just rest on his shoulders. Jaunting around the cosmos in a camper van powered by a Bloody Stupid Generator, Thelopius Rumblebutt and his companions discover a plot to end the world, stumble across the most feculent man in known history, do battle with Beelzebub, and drink copious amounts of a cocktail that has been known to start wars.

Could one man be responsible for life on Earth? Is the universe as we know it run by aging alcoholics with a penchant for extended holidays? Can an utterly normal bloke from Swindon save the world as we know it? Does he even know that he has to? And why is that chartered accountant wielding a cudgel? There's only one way to find out...

'The Bibble' is complete at 93,000 words.

 
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tags

alternative world, beelzebub, comedy, comic fantasy, douglas adams, fantasy, good vs evil, jasper fforde, music, outlandish, pop culture, religion, sc...

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Chapters

4

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Chapter Four

 

“I don’t want to go bloody skiing.  I want to sit in my chair, with my cocoa, with my blanket, with my slippers, with my newspaper untouched on my lap, and snooze.  I want to spend the day gently dozing, dreaming of times past, of frolicking in the fields as a boy, of that first sweet day of summer when the long lazy sunshine weeks were spread before me.  I want to sit here and sleep, and dribble a bit, and maybe later have a biscuit.  Now BUGGER OFF.”

A decidedly grumpy and wizened old man sat in a bath chair, determinedly gripping a tartan travel blanket to his frail chest.  A harried looking man gripped the other end, tugging futilely as his glasses slipped of his nose.

“He does get in these moods.  There’s just no talking to him.”  He said.

Doctor Crawford Why stood up from the grand leather chair in which he was reclining.  He flicked ash from the end of a cigarette in a sleek black holder.

“Alright, Quentin, I’ll talk to him,” He stroked his narrow moustache, “Wassat, you fool, get up.  Do I have to remind you that while you are indeed very old, you are of course immortal?  As such you do not age in any normal way. And no matter how much you want it, you will not develop senility.  As a result, we will categorically NOT be putting you in a rest home.  Now do what everyone else has done and get up.  We are leaving.”

“You know what, Crawford, you really are a bore.  Can I at least bring my zimmer?”

“If you must,” He glared at a fat ruddy faced man across the room, “Henry, please don’t drink all the port.  It has to last us until we get there.”

“Roger that, old chap.  Drinking arm firmly back in the hangar, old boy.  Action stations, ready to scramble at any moment.  Pip pip.”

“Do shut up.  Come along people, the coach is waiting.”  

Crawford clapped his hands and strode out through the ornate double doors.

 

Thelopius clapped his hands and strode in through the ornate double doors.

“Well done.  Well done indeed.  I am so glad I have a man of your intelligence to keep us out of danger.  ‘Stop whining, the van will be fixed in the morning’.  ‘Trust me’.  You damn near killed us both.”

“How was I supposed to know?”  Demanded Steve.

“You’re the bloody expert.  I’m just some pleb from Swindon.  You’re the mystical entity that invaded my home and my life and my head and dragged me off to the furthest reaches of space.  You are meant to know what to do.”

“We got out all right didn’t we?  No harm done.”

“No harm done?  No harm done?  I spilt my boiling chicken soup right over my lap.  I may never sire children.  And it’s ruined my trousers – where the soup hit them and round the back!”

Steve looked out of the open door to the camper van, still smoking as it sat carefully parked in the middle of an ornamental pond.  He looked across the well manicured lawn, marred only by the two thick tire tracks swerving across them at a variety of angles.  He looked further, to the torn and shredded shrubbery, to the large pile of rubble that had been a wall and further still to the head gardener, who still hadn’t stopped running.  Listening carefully, he thought he heard a faint ‘waaaaaaaaaah’ from that direction.  He glanced at the pile of kindling with a toilet in the middle.  A newspaper lay on the floor where the gardener had dropped it.  He briefly wondered how a man could run so fast with his trousers around his ankles.

“I didn’t know she’d cut our brakes as well.  Look on the bright side.”

“What bright side?”

“At least you’re not the gardener.”

“Shut up.”  Said Thelopius, wandering off towards a pile of pamphlets.

Steve strode towards the front desk, rapping on it smartly.  The disinterested girl behind it glanced up from her nails. 

“Welcome to Clouds Recreation And Pleasure Resort.  My name is Charlene, how may I help.”

“Ah, Charlene, were you on the telephone the evening before last?

“Yes, that would have been me. I’ve just got my promotion to Senior Greetings Administrator, you know.  It’s a more responsible position.”

“A receptionist, then.”

“No, no, my position is far more varied.  It involves sitting here, greeting the guests as they arrive, giving out room keys and solving queries.  I don’t just recept.”

“Hmm, whatever.  Anyway, we spoke on the telephone before.  I’m here to see the Doctors.”

“To see them what, sir?”

“To see them.”

“To see them what?”

“Just to bloody see them, visit them, make conversation with them, interact with them.  Not to see them DO anything – I know for a fact they mostly do bugger all.”

“Ah, I see.  Let me just check if they are still here.”

While she stepped out into the back office, Steve took great delight stuffing his pockets with several of the chocolates Charlene had on the desk.  He scoffed a couple, and threw the wrappers into her tea.

“Bloody here to help indeed.  Probably gone on another break.”

Charlene returned from the back office, perma-smile firmly in place.

“If you’d like to take a seat sir, we’ll be with you in a moment.  My colleague is just coming to check the book, sir.”

“What book?”

“That one.”

“What, that one there.”  Said Steve, pointing at the big book on the desk.

“Yes, that one.”

“Why don’t you bloody check it?”

“Oh no, sir, not my realm you see.  No sir, Bobby has to do it.  He’s the Senior Out Checking Administrator.”

“Let me guess.  He checks people out.”

“Yes he does.  And he waves as they go.  He’s very professional.”

Steve shook his head despairingly.

“Look,” He said “You’ve broken a nail.”

As Charlene peered intently at her hands, Steve stood up, turned the book around and ran a finger down the right hand column.

“Bugger.” He said.

Charlene's head popped up from her nail count.

“Sir, you can’t do that!  What will Bobby do when he gets here?”

“Where did they go, Charlene?  This is very important.”

“I don’t know.  We respect our guests privacy at Clouds sir.  I think you ought to leave sir, or I shall be forced to call our Pleasant Atmosphere Enforcement Administrator.  He makes nasty people be pleasant.”

Thelopius wandered over.

“Steady on, he can’t help it.  He naturally buggers people about.  I think it’s his job.  Hey Steve, look what I found.  Can we go here?”

He thrust out a blue pamphlet at Steve, waving it around.  On the front was a picture of a tanned, fit family of four wearing what appeared to be brightly coloured baby’s romper suits.  They smiled impossible toothy smiles, incisors gleaming whiter than the snow on which they stood.  They all wore crap wrap around sunglasses.  In the background were snow covered mountains, ski lifts and blue sky.

“The Ice Planet Huff,” Said Thelopius, “ ‘Year round snow, year round fun.  A good value good time to be had by all.  Call Huff Bookings for your holiday of a lifetime’.  It sounds great – can we go?”

“Of course. “Said Steve, slapping his head.

“Really – great.  I finally get to have some fun.”

“No, you great spanner.  The Doctors – they always go on a skiing holiday this time of year.  Bit of mountain air, keeps them feeling young.  Brilliant, we’ll leave immediately.”

“Immediately being once we’ve fixed the brakes then.”

“Bugger.”

“You keep saying that.”

“Fear not, I have a plan.”

“Bugger.” Said Thelopius

“That’s my line.”

“Shut up.”

“You keep saying that.”

“What’s the plan?” Asked Thelopius doubtfully.

“Come with me.”

 

“That is a crap plan.  Really really crap.”

“It’ll work!”

“Drive the bloody van without the brakes.  That’s your plan.  Go careering around the cosmos without so much as a ships anchor to slow us down.  Belt off through the stars in this tin can and just keep your foot down and hope we don’t get splattered when we hit something.  That’s not a plan, it’s bloody suicide.”

“No, you don’t get it.  The Bloody Stupid Generator.  With a few tweaks I can use it on the brakes –driving without them is bloody stupid, so by using the generator it becomes perfectly safe.  Simple.”

“You are.”

Thelopius got out of the van and stalked off toward the Hotel.

“Do what you like,” He shouted over his shoulder, “I’m getting a room, and a mechanic.”

 

“I can’t get a bloody thing on this radio, Crawford, not a bally sausage.” Said Doctor Henry What.

“You got something then, didn’t you, you great turnip?” Asked Doctor Albert When.

“No, old man, that was just some random beeping malarkey, no kind of tune to it.  Probably static.”

“Eh up, lad, you must be soft in the head,” Albert adjusted his cap, “That’s your standard dance music that is.  Loads of BPM, drum n bass, helping the youngsters to get jiggy with it.  Its what all the kids listen to at the dance halls these days. You must be picking it up off that little round blue green place down there.  Mind you, when I where a lad we never had none of that beep beep techno house garage rave shed music.  All I had were an elastic band on an old tissue box.  Hours of fun we had with that – here I’ll sing you one of me songs….ahem… We had a cat and his name was pat, pat the cat he wore his hat, the hat was red and it was on his head, then came a car and our cat was dead……”

“Very soulful, Albert,” Interjected Crawford Why acidly, “But really quite tuneless.  That ‘little round blue green place down there’ is Earth, by the way.  You may remember it – created by Bob, we advised on its construction, oh, and of course we are it’s guardians, we are responsible for its upkeep, and yet you nincompoops can’t even remember what it looks like or where it is.  It’s just another sight on your way to the ski slopes for you lot.  You’re out of touch you lot are.  Way out of touch.”

The Doctors went quiet, which was a novelty.  Albert When was heard to mutter something about not doing it full justice without the rubber band guitar.  Crawford shot him a withering look.

“Just remember our responsibilities, that’s all.  Bob may have retired, but we haven’t.”

“Wassat? Eh?  What do you say?”

“Go back to sleep, Wassat.”

Crawford Why gazed out of the window at the innocent little blue green sphere floating in space, drumming his fingers to a beat only he could hear.

“Driver, take a quick trip down there would you.  I have some business to attend to.”

“Yessir.”

The coach swung round in a wide arc, a couple of suitcases flying off their precarious rooftop perches and spinning off into space.

“Bad show, old boy, that was my bally cricket flannels.” Cried an indignant Doctor What.

“It’s okay What,” Said When “You’re no bloody good at the game anyhow.  When I were a lad I were best in my school, I were.  I could belt that little red bugger away out the playground and down to Mrs Mathers Pie Shop.  I’d go fetch it, and on way back nibble on one of her world famous dumplings.”

“I never liked cricket,” Piped up Doctor Tarquin Which, “I was really quite frightened of the ball – ever so hard.  I could never decide whether to try and catch it or duck.  I was far better at chess.”

“Chess,” Boomed When, “No game for a man, chess.  Moving some lumps of wood around a little board – that’s for girls, man.  No, its manly cricket for me every day.”

“Manly cricket?  You stand around for a few hours getting bored and trying not to fall asleep until it’s your turn to bat?  That’s worse than golf!”

Crawford Why phased out the constant blather going on around him and focused hard, his eyes glassy, a vein raised in his forehead. He gripped the armrest of his seat hard, digging his nails into the soft padding, the knuckles of his long, slender fingers whitening.  Just as his eyes began to water, he visibly relaxed, his whole body slumping slightly.  He pulled a neat white handkerchief from his top pocket and dabbed his forehead with it.

“Head for Basingstoke.” He told the driver.

“Right you are.”

A short while later the coach pulled up outside a housing estate near Basingstoke.  The Doctors alighted, dividing quickly into two groups.  One group headed for the nearby pub at a canter, not one of them slowing until the got close to the bar and had to jostle to get as far away from round buying territory as possible.  The other, smaller group was Crawford Why.  He slowly stretched the travelling ache from his body, before climbing atop the bus and rooting around in the luggage strapped to its roof for some time.  After a while he emerged from a pile of duffel bags and suitcases with a briefcase in his hand.  Jumping down from the luggage space, he sniffed the air professionally, adjusted his three piece suit, and set off with a purposeful stride, his cane tap tapping as he walked.  He whistled a variety of tunes as he strode, from upbeat, cheerful trills to funereal dirges.  After a while he found one that he liked and stayed with it, a jaunty little number that stuck in the head but didn’t irritate.  He wheeled round a corner, and marched up to a pleasant little house in a quiet cul-de-sac.  He stood outside for a time, whistling his ditty upwards at an open window.  From inside the window came the plink plink of a novice guitarist trying to play hard rock on an acoustic guitar.  Occasionally Crawford winced. He then strode up to the door and knocked loudly three times.  A teenage boy answered it, looking decidedly annoyed about the whole situation.

“Are you Darren Boneparter?” Asked Crawford.

“You Sky’s boss?”  He mumbled.

“Pardon?”

“My sister.  You her boss?”

“No, dear boy, no.  I’ve got something for you, my lad.”

“Are you a pervert?”

“Er… no.”  This was not going how Crawford expected.

“Are you sure.  If you want to offer me sweets to get into your car, then you can piss off.”

“I haven’t got a car.  Or any sweets.  I’ve got a present for you.”

“I’ll kick you in the bollocks.”

“Um, there’s really no need.  It’s a good present.”

“What is it then?  Remember, you’re still in bollock kicking range.”

Crawford opened his case, and brought out a small book, holding it up so the boy cold see.  It had a yellow cover, with nothing on it except large red letters saying “Teach Yourself To Play and Sing – By Bob”.  Darren took it and stared at it.

“What’s this, then?  Are you some door to door salesman?  If my dad catches you, he’ll kick you in the bollocks.”

“No, I’m not a salesman.  Does a lot of bollock kicking go on here?”

“In a minute it will.”

“It’s a gift, Darren.  Believe me, it will help you.”

“Looks a bit crap to me.”

Crawford sighed heavily.

“It might look a bit crap, laddy, but it worked for Buddy Holly.”

“Buddy who?”

“Just try it, will you.”

“Normally, no.  But you seem a bit weird, and I can respect that.  I’ll give it a bash.”

“Thank you.”  Said Crawford to a closed door.  He looked up at the sky, then remembered and turned his head towards Gloucestershire.

“Why oh bloody why did you have to make them so stubborn.  We warned you about the bloody hormones.  Puberty indeed.”

He turned on his heel and headed back to the coach, and back to his skiing holiday.

 

Chapters

4

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Jared wrote 1565 days ago

A very inventive title and strong pitches are great incentives to read this and the opening line is a cracker. I've read ten chapters without pause and would read on if I could. I'm loving this. I see you've included a Douglas Adams tag - inevitable I suppose, but this is the book the great man should have written. It really is that good.
From "utterly normal bloke" onwards, you had a fan here. Very funny, relentlessly manic, a tour de force.
Polish it and send it out to every publisher out there. If this doesn't get into print, there's no hope for anyone.
Backed with admiration.
Jared.

Katrina Twitchett wrote 1881 days ago

James,

If this book were a pudding it would be jam roly poly and custard. And I would cry as I've given pudding up for Lent.

When this is published, pleeeease would you sign a copy for me?

Shelved with a passion. And a dribbly bit of custard.

Kat

Michelle Gadsden wrote 1270 days ago

love it!!! Very funny book. Hurry up and publish!

Joanna Carter wrote 1322 days ago

Backed, when I can stop laughing long enough to hit the button.
Joanna
Fossil Farm

Glenn_Johnstone wrote 1322 days ago

All I can say is - I laughed my ass off as soon as I started reading ... and I kept reading!

Love the story, the characters ... and yes - the humor!

Looking forward to buying this one in the local bookstore - backed with best wishes.

Glenn (Darkling Child)

Glenn_Johnstone wrote 1322 days ago

All I can say is - I laughed my ass off as soon as I started reading ... and I kept reading!

Love the story, the characters ... and yes - the humor!

Looking forward to buying this one in the local bookstore - backed with best wishes.

Glenn (Darkling Child)

Eunice Attwood wrote 1326 days ago

I may have backed this book before, but I love the way you write and your humour, so it's on my shelf for sure. Eunice - The Temple Dancer.

Owen Quinn wrote 1409 days ago

Bizarre, funny, nonstop, wacky, strange, sideways thinking all make this a great read that absorbs easily. Backed with pleasure.

jfredlee wrote 1416 days ago

James -

This is hysterical.

You had me at God saying "Bugger!"

Glad to see the supreme being is human like the rest of us.

Reading your prologue and first chapter, I couldn't help seeing Terry Gilliam, John Cleese and the rest of the cast of Monty Python acting it out.

Still laughing as I back The Bibble.

Best of luck with The Bibble, and I would love it if you could take a look at my book.

-Jeff Lee
THE LADIES TEMPERANCE CLUB'S FAREWELL TOUR

A Knight wrote 1448 days ago

People have said it before, but this is Dogulas Adams-esque (dare I say better than his work) It's tongue-in-cheek intelligent wit at its best, and I was chirtling into my mug of tea. Fantastic from the first moment, and backed with pleasure.

Abi xxx

carlashmore wrote 1463 days ago

I have written a book called 'Bernard and the Bibble'. This could not be more different. It's really quite hilarious. A true Douglas Adamsesque??? slice of surrealist profound fun, I mean it all starts with an absolute corker of an opening line and just carries on. It is clever, insightful and utterly bizarre and it's totally engaging and enjoyable.
BAcked with pleasure.
Carl
The Time hUnters

zan wrote 1463 days ago

The Bibble
James Stanford

James,
This is a clever title you have for your book. When I first came across it, I simply saw "The Bible" because my eyes were trained to make a connection with my brain even though there were two "bbs" in there, which I simply did not notice. I thought it a curious title, after all, what would a "Bible" be doing as a title here? Anyway, I soon spotted the error of my way, and saw the two "bbs" and by this time, naturally I had to read your pitches. I think a good book starts with a good story, obviously, and this is a good one. Behind the questions you ask in your pitches, there's a lot of satire and food for thought. So, I naturally had to dip into the pages and I wasn't disappointed. This reads well and my only regret is that I didn't have the time to read more - but I will come back to it and I am glad you have uploaded the complete book here so I can see how it all ends, although I am not comfortable myself with uploading complete books (because of ideas beings easily transferred and transplanted - perhaps you might want to take down at least your last chapter? No advice here, but simply what I would do.)Anyway, I was happy to have given this a spin on my shelf and wish you success in finding a publisher. I enjoyed this very much.
Best,
Zan

Bamboo Promise wrote 1482 days ago

It is funny! Strong pitch. I love to back your back.

Burgio wrote 1492 days ago

I passed the story over the first time I saw it because I read the title as "The Bible" - and knew I'd already read that. On closer inspection, I realized there was an extra letter in there so opened it. And am glad I did. It's a funny, funny read. Dialogue is good. Descriptions are amusing. An overall good read. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

kenwyn wrote 1496 days ago

I have come to this completely unfamilair with the genre, but kind of familiar with the baggage and expectations if that makes sense?
So what you have here is a book where the reader anticipates the style, the pace and the literary sight gags.

If you don't know the genre, you don't always see them coming, or don't enjoy them to their full if you do. With me so far?

So .. it took a few moments to realise God was less Charlton Heston, more Richard Briers (!?!). Then far too many ideas far too quickly. I know many people love this kind of stuff but for me personally I would have liked you to slow it down a bit. There are some gems in your descriptions, and I hope you keep it up for the entire book, but C1 reads like you had six coffees then sat at the computer. Jeez! I'm tired out and I've just been reading.
Then the conversations. too many, too confusing. Assumes we know the characters already. You might, but we the readers do not. Take a cue from Elvis; a little less converation a little more action please.

Despite how this might read( and I am writing at 11.25pm on Friday night and its been a long week), I can see this has an awful lot going for it. But I have freely admitted in other reviews to other writers here, I am an impatient reader and you have just too much going on, at least in C1 to keep my short attention span. but I wish you luck, and maybe if I read it again in the morning it'll make more sense. Best of luck with it. Cheers. Matt

lizjrnm wrote 1505 days ago

This is very well written and so tongue in cheek _ nkept my interest in the first four chapters and i will come back for more - love it!

BACKED

Liz
The Cheech Room

bobstire wrote 1513 days ago

This makes me seethe with envy. Astonishingly good.

Very best of luck (not that you'll need luck)

John.

inzie wrote 1514 days ago

i'm with Jared here - your writing flows beautifully through your faultless dialogue. I'm a big fan of good dialogue - so much that is written lacks authenticity. Yours doesn't. Nice spiel at the start - and effortlessly imaginative - lovely stuff.

Baked (like I needed to tell you)

cheers and good luck with this

Chris

soutexmex wrote 1516 days ago

BACKING you. I can use your comments on my book if you can spare the time. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

bonalibro wrote 1516 days ago

I backed this, blindly, a while ago, along with dozens of other books, to get myself out of a sticky wicket, and I am sorry that I did - the blind part, not the backing or the extraction from said sticky wicket - because this is definitely my kind of humor. I love anything steeped in irony and irreverence, and God yelling FORE! and sending the earth off into the universe is my idea of a divine madness. Please try mine, you'll enjoy it, too.

Tim Chambers
Moonbeam Highway: With Apologies to Miguel de Cervantes

udasmaan wrote 1517 days ago

There is another book the same as yours and it is doing very well, going up to the chart. i suppose you are doing other things quite often that takes your time from promoting this extraordinary work. i love the subject and it is so close to my heart. If i am not wrong your characters are God and Gabriel. that is facinating and in some parts it made me smile too. I dont have a great knowledge of English, but there are some books that just hook me, yours is the one for sure, backed with pleasure.

shah

MrsCogan wrote 1520 days ago

wonderfully irreverent!

jtgradishar wrote 1521 days ago

Your book has the perfect title: it conveys all the wonderfully irreverent humor to be found inside.

Take cover after you publish this one. For my part, I was laughing out loud at parts of it.

Well done and backed!

Famlavan wrote 1523 days ago

With a tittle like that I couldn’t resist, and I was not disappointed very, very good, fantastic humour.

Bubbity wrote 1524 days ago

James, the Bibble is a great satirical piece, from the title, to the pitch, to the first line - as soon as I read it I was gripped and it kept going at a good old pace. This is one of those exceptions to my usual genres, precisely because of your witty approach and dialogue eg "we need to have that talk about corsetry" (this and many other lines had me laughing out loud).
Happily backed
Kati Jane (Little Guide to Unhip)

George Chittenden wrote 1525 days ago

Sorry to mimic Jared but your opening line is fantastic! When a book has you laughing at the very start it’s a good sign, reading on I wasn't disappointed. Your plot is ridiculous and I mean that as a huge, huge compliment. Backed

George (The Touch of God)

Janine Crowley Haynes wrote 1527 days ago

Hi James,

The title alone, The Bibble, is alluring. What a refreshing, comedic approach to philosophical concepts of God, the universe and how things came to be. Your description of God, liking his balls (planets) and creating a golf club to whack the blue and green ball into space is amusing to say the least. I also love how you've made Gabriel such a likable, lazy glutton with chocolate on his face.

It may be a matter of taste, but I feel your first chapter might be a bit too long--you might want to break it into two parts. I've also noticed a few possessive apostrophes missing. For example, "mans presence" should be man's presence and "fat mans nose" should be fat man's nose.

This is one of the most original conceptual pieces I've read on this site. I'm glad to see you've uploaded the entire book. Wishing you all the best with the entertaining piece.

Backed,
Janine
MY KIND OF CRAZY

bonalibro wrote 1531 days ago

Hi,

I have backed your book because I found it eminently readable
but have to cover 25 books a day just to keep my place on here.
If you would like a more specific comment please return the favor.
Good luck with it.

Tim Chambers
Moonbeam Highway: With Apologies to Miguel de Cervantes.
Moonbeam Highway: With Apologies to Miguel de Cervantes.

Helena wrote 1534 days ago

Hi James, this is brilliant, really funny, I love your sharp sense of humor mixed with an ironic wit. It very english humor and I can never put my finger on what it is exactly but when it's done well its brilliant. I love the characters, the prologue is very funny, poor old god is having a hard time. Then the dialogue between thel and the little fat man is brilliant, I laughed out loud when Thel asked him who he was, you really are a master at dialogue, its really quick and sharp and as I said before extremely funny. On my shelf without a doubt, a mix of monty python and terry pratchett, not bad company! Helena (A Load of Rubbish)

lionel25 wrote 1538 days ago

James, I've looked at your first chapter. I could follow it logically. Good writing. It needs another round of revision, though.

Chapter One, second paragraph, third sentence: "mans presence" should be "man's presence"

Backed for the potential.

Joffrey

writingwildly wrote 1539 days ago

Love this!
The opening line is priceless. Then there were so many more ... "bob...bob...bob ... you look remarkably like a goldfish". This is so funny. And you write it smoothly with terrific descriptions.
definitely backed
Genevieve
Under the Same Sky

AlanMarling wrote 1539 days ago

Dear James Stanford,

Thank you for sharing your story with us. Your opening paragraphs had me grinning immediately. I appreciate your whimsical and iconoclastic sense of humor. The dialog between God and that chocolate-grubbing Gabriel swept me into the narrative.

In my fallible opinion, you could make your long pitch even better by making it shorter. You demonstrate your funny in the first paragraph as well as giving us an idea of a plot, and battling a demon is a sufficient cliffhanger. I suggest cutting the second paragraph, as the series of questions don’t add significantly to the tension you’ve built. If you wished to add more to your long pitch, you could throw in a few sympathy factors for your protagonist.

This small matter aside, I enjoyed your story. Bravo! Backed.

Best wishes,
Alan Marling

S.D. Gillen wrote 1541 days ago

Oh how this made me giggle! Funny! You have a great writing style. There's nothing I'd advise you to fix or change. Good stuff. My kind of story.
This is the kind of story you have to share with others. You know, the kind with quotes, like movies. People are always saying "Movie quote" and then they quote thier favorite line. I could do the same with your book. Over and over!
Book quote! "It's the feet thing, isn't it? It always seems to annoy people, that one." or "I like my balls, and I want to keep them. By which I mean spherical planets."
This is great!!!!

SD Gillen

Bradley Wind wrote 1541 days ago

Jimmy, I bet you are damn funny at a pub.
I'm also betting tons have said K.Vonnegut and D.Adams to you already right? Chalk another check for me on those too. Very well done. You should contact a fellow named Dai Lowe on this site. He's often known to call the Bible the Bibble and your humor seems like he might enjoy...hard to say really (I barely know myself) but I bet if you made a movie of this book Dai would make an excellent Thelopius. Please excuse my ridiculousness.
This is incredibly clever.
This is mad.
Yes, I loved the prizes at the bottom of the box. Could hardly believe it when they started putting them outside of the cereal bag. No more waiting or digging? What fun is that? I'd love an Insectosaurus.
I want some Jumpy Mix.
As Jared says below...it really is that good. minus one O of course.
I hope your beard is bushy.
I want this to succeed.
Best to you.
-=Bradley

Francesco wrote 1544 days ago

Oh so clever and very amusing.
Enjoyable.
Backed.

Rosali Webb wrote 1544 days ago

james
Intriguing little number. Found the dialogue quite amusing as they bantered away. Reminded me of a Monty Python sketch in some parts - hope that's okay me saying that? Anyway, spotlessly written, and a breath of fresh air. Backed. Rosali Webb
Fieldtrip to Mars

CharlieChuck wrote 1547 days ago

This is very, very funny. had me laughing at the start. It's the that makes this type of comedy, the little funny bits that add up to a whole - Elvis & George formby arguing over scrabble, holding on the telephone, too many to list. Had a feel of pratchett as well as the obvious Hitchhikers. You've got a knack of making the characters instantly likeable and funny.
I read chap 1 and bits of 13 & 27 to check it was still funny. And it is.
I've read nearly 400 books on this site and I would buy about 6 of them, this is one of them. Obviously backed. I really hope you get this published.
Charlie

Marvel Gumshoe wrote 1547 days ago

This is very good. I read the first chapter and started the second but now I must work. I think the style is probably closer to DNA's that Eoin Colfer's attempt. The timing is great, the dialogue is spot on. I spotted what looked like one punctuation error and one clunky phrase ' Had he had' but otherwise I can see no reason why this wouldn't be snapped up - based on teh first chapter alone. Have you submitted it around the houses?

One thing though, your pitch seems too close to DNA, try to distinguish yourself as you, as a brilliant sci-fi humourist. Drop the mention of the cocktail - it says 'I've copied the Pangalactic Gargle Blaster.'


Well done.
M.

Jed Oliver wrote 1548 days ago

Wonderfully hilarious! I think this should be required reading in some special school for some special kind of people.
The question about WHAT special kind of people is open for discussion. I suspect that anyone who reads it becomes, in a special way, special. I have specially shelved it, so it will be ready when needed. Especially yours, Jedward (Knut)

JupiterGirl wrote 1548 days ago

Hi James, I didn't know quite what I was expecting when I read this. The word, Insectosaurus, makes me shiver. That aside, this irreverent romp of a read is highly amusing and I'm sure will do well! Shelved. JupiterGirl (Twins of the Astral Plane.)

William Holt wrote 1552 days ago

As we say in Texas, this is a hoot! Snappy dialogue, wonderfully absurd descriptions, plenty of action. This has to be a winner.

Shelved--Bill

B. J. Winters wrote 1552 days ago

I decided to start reading your ending - Chapter 35 was interesting - coming into this cold the names added an intriguing touch of humor and it seemed there were still in jokes to share with the reader (whatever floats your boat) as an example to keep this fresh. I did find though that the sentences were a bit wordy. My main recommendation would be to make sure that each and every word is necessary. For example: "Looking through the doorway Ted could see a number of the drones in a similar state; some were sitting...." Can be just as effective as "Ted could see a number of drones sitting...." We already know where he is in relation to the scene, and you tell me what 'similar state is' with the sitting -- so do I need those other words? Just a thought.

Chapter 36 tidies the story up nicely - I liked the return to the music channel scene. A reader should be able to visualize this easily. Best of luck to you.

JD Revene wrote 1553 days ago

James,

The short pitch struck me as not quite working, but then the long version is a tour de force and shows what you were aiming for in the short. Reading on I'm expecting something in the vein of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Universe.

Love the prologue--or bit at the start if you prefer.

Have you read the Carpe Trade here, By MrESheep? I think you'd like it. It's very funny--and so's this.

Funny names (Li Ping), ridiculous situations described in a dry down to earth manner, and swipes at things that frustrate us all (call waiting). This is wel put together and easy to read.

I've found little to comment on by way of constructive criticism. You seem to have the voice right for this, and that's the key to this sort of thing, I think. Your story meanders but it's well enough told that I don't mind. I keep finding new reasons to smile.

I'm giving this a spin on my shelf.

meemers wrote 1553 days ago

This writing makes it easy to jump in with both feet and stay. It's got the sparkle and humor that we crave in our lives right now.

backed with pleasure
Sue Sohn

Jonathon_LaMella wrote 1553 days ago

A very well written title and pitch. The first chapter introduces the story well and the dialogue flows nicely. Backed.
Jonathon

A.P. Constantin wrote 1554 days ago

Amidst all this formula genre that takes itself so seriously, it is refreshing to see humour for its own sake. The greats of the field (e.g. Douglas Adams) use satire and sarcasm, you chose bafoonery.

Bafoonery can be effective but you have to watch it. Just go over your text and trim the "jollies" and the "bloodies."

Superlative choice of title!

A.P. Constantin

The Crystal Butterfly Club

Rheagan wrote 1554 days ago

Hello James,
I was browsing the sites of some people I respect and having come across the Bibble, I couldn't resist having a look. I loved it! Suited my sense of humour perfectly. Not only is it hilarious, it's also very well written, smooth and quickly engaging. I would happily buy a copy. Good luck with it, I hope it's successful. Backed with enthusiasm.
Rheagan Greene Unwelcome Reflections.
PS If you’d lkie to read mine, great. If it’s not your thing, don’t worry. No problem.

klouholmes wrote 1554 days ago

Hi James, I enjoyed this for the idea that everyday people might have a more important purpose than it seems - and the whimsical way that this is written. Loved Steve making his call to the beyond and being treated like a forgettable entity. And the bumbling in the shop. The dialogue is delectable, Angus' vernacular coming in with comedy. I can see it will take some fancy plotting to make Thelopius realize his important purpose. Well-written! Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

nboving wrote 1555 days ago

"The Bibble"
How can you possibly not read a bit of a novel that starts "Bugger," said God. I think what really got me though is the absolutely great dialogue: it's bloody funny, and I defy anyone not to want to keep reading once they start.
Which means me. "FORE," he bellowed. I guess he didn't make a hole in one, but I think you may have.

This is on my watch list until I can make room to back, and then I'm going to read a whole lot more.

Nicholas ("The Warlock") - Horro/Thriller

Sam Fallow wrote 1555 days ago

Hi James, I backed this a few days ago and thought you might like my comments.

Love it! I notice Douglas Adams name in your bio and the influence is clear and the connection is worthy of him.
The only glitch I spotted is in Ch3, 'Thelopius looked supervisors back as it walked away. '
Good luck with this,

SF

p.s. I believe in Bob.

Kolro wrote 1556 days ago

Can't believe I've taken so long to get round to reading this. This is tremendous fun that appeals to my love of all things absolutely barking mad. The dialogue here is great. You've mastered the fine art of snappy back-and-forth chatter (my favourite being the whole '...my left...' thing). This is a hilarious piece of work that deserves to do well. Good show old bean.

jamacleod wrote 1556 days ago

I really enjoy this genre of books. Besides being a fan of Douglas Adams, I love Terry Prachett, and his Good Omens book reminds me of The Bibble. This is a great read. backed

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