Book Jacket

 

rank 1270
word count 93233
date submitted 11.02.2009
date updated 15.01.2010
genres: Fiction, Science Fiction, Fantasy, ...
classification: universal
complete

The Bibble

James Stanford

Could music be the key to the perfect world - and why are comfortable shoes so damned important?

 

‘The Bibble’ is the story of an extra terrestrial road trip during which an extraordinarily average fellow deals with discovering that the fate of Earth and its five sister planets may just rest on his shoulders. Jaunting around the cosmos in a camper van powered by a Bloody Stupid Generator, Thelopius Rumblebutt and his companions discover a plot to end the world, stumble across the most feculent man in known history, do battle with Beelzebub, and drink copious amounts of a cocktail that has been known to start wars.

Could one man be responsible for life on Earth? Is the universe as we know it run by aging alcoholics with a penchant for extended holidays? Can an utterly normal bloke from Swindon save the world as we know it? Does he even know that he has to? And why is that chartered accountant wielding a cudgel? There's only one way to find out...

'The Bibble' is complete at 93,000 words.

 
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tags

alternative world, beelzebub, comedy, comic fantasy, douglas adams, fantasy, good vs evil, jasper fforde, music, outlandish, pop culture, religion, sc...

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138 comments

 

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Chapters

29

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The Bibble

Chapter Twenty Nine

 

“This will wreak havoc with my skin.” Doctor Which complained.

“Girl.  Get in the spirit of the thing.”

“Look, surely we could just creep down there and…”

“That’s not the point.  If we’re going to do it, let’s make it look good.”

Which regretfully finished daubing mud across his cheeks.

“That’s the ticket.  Now, synchronise watches.”

“What time have you got?”

“Half ten.  You?”

“Wassat?”

“The time.”

“Nineteen eighty three.  I remember when…”

“Never mind, just shut up – Which, your time?”

“Seven fifteen.”

“I see.  Where, what do you make it?”

“Hair past mole.  I dropped my watch in the toilet.”

“Alright then, ignore your watches.  Okay, Speakup’s on watch duty.”

“I thought you said ignore our…”

“On lookout duty.  If you see anyone coming, make a noise like an owl.”

Wassat practised his noise.

“That was a dog.”

He tried again.

“Cat.”

And again.

“Horse.”

And again.

“Platypus.  Don’t bother – if you see anyone coming, just blow into your ear trumpet.  Which and Where, you’re with me.  I’m Alpha squad.  Which, you’re Bravo.”

“Like Juliet Bravo?”

“Sort of.  Where, you’re Charlie.”

“I’m Quentin.”

“No, Charlie Squad.”

“Whose he.”

“Never mind.  Just pretend your name is Charlie.”

“Charles is more refined.”

“You always make it difficult.  Be Charles then.  Which, You stay low on the left, I’ll take the high ground on the right, Where can stay central.”

“Okey dokey.”

“Affirmative.  Maintain radio silence.”

“But I like the shipping forecast.”

“Just keep quiet.  Really, you’ve no sense of fun.  Move out.”

What crouched low and ran to the right, taking cover behind a rhododendron.  He looked back to check Bravo and Charles Squads progress.

“Bravo, What are you doing?” He hissed.

“Staying low.”

“Get up, you fool.  I meant duck a bit and trot off down the left hand side of the garden.”

“Why didn’t you say that then?” Grumbled Bravo Squad as he pushed himself off the sun lounger.

Shaking his head Which walked over to the left side of the garden and ducked his head a little.  He walked slowly along the fence, repeatedly looking back at the house and half expecting to see Bob’s angry face at a window

“Should have stayed inside,” He grumbled as he walked, “What will Bob say if he catches us.”

“Dear me, I just trod on a snail,” Said a dismayed Charles Squad, “I knew I should have put my slippers on.”

“Radio silence!” Shouted What.

Where raised a hand in apology and shuffled on.  As he approached the shed at the end of the garden he looked over to check what What expected from him next.

“What are you doing,” He exclaimed, “That’ll never hold your weight!”

What tried to wave away Where’s worries.  This proved to be a bad move as his remaining hand slipped from the washing line he was pulling himself along and he swung backwards, now suspended by his feet wrapped around the line.  He swung back and forth for a few moments, a look of fear and confusion on his face, before there was a loud crack as the abused washing line gave out.

Which and Where winced as What landed, and ran over to help their colleague.  As they did so Which became aware of an increase of light from the house.  Glancing back, he saw a light had been switched on upstairs.

“Stay down,” He whispered, “You’ve woken Bob.”

“I’m cold!”

“Shhh!”

Which and Where put a hand each on What’s shoulders, holding him where he had landed.  After a short while the light went out and Which exhaled heavily.

“You and your shenanigans nearly got us caught.”

“Just give me a hand – I’ve got frog spawn in my teeth.”

Which and Where grabbed a hand each and helped haul What out of the pond and to his feet.  Which appraised the dripping, dejected Doctor and shook his head.

“That’ll learn you.”

“Let’s just get in the shed – I think Bob’s got a heater in there.”

They approached the shed with caution, unsure if there would be a security light or similar.  When no light flashed on, no siren sounded and no dog barked they walked up to the door and looked at the padlock.

“I knew we’d forgotten something,” Said Which, not sounding as dejected as he should, “Let’s go back inside for a nice sherry.”

“Cease your nincompoopery!  We’ve come so far, endured so much,” Blasted What, his sense of adventure returning, “A mere lock shan’t daunt us.”

Reaching into a pocket he pulled out a length of wire, bent and twisted at strange angles.  He shoved the end into the padlock and twisted it back and forth.  In seconds the lock sprang open.

“So it was you who got into my chocolate bon-bon cupboard.” Grumbled Where.

“Um, yes, sorry about that.  Anyway, on with the show.”

What pulled on the shed door and it slowly opened.  They stood at the doorway awhile, staring inside.

“Bloody hell.” They said in unison.

 

Sat in the dark at his window, looking out over his garden, Bob smiled.  It had taken them a while, but they had finally found some initiative[1].  He just hoped his prize carp weren’t too emotionally scarred by the experience.

 

“They’re still behind us.”

“We’re only seven roundabouts from my house.”

“How far away is that?”  Asked Darren.

“About half a mile.”

“They’ll track us right to your door!”

“Don’t worry,” Said Tel, “I have a trick up my sleeve.”

Approaching a mini roundabout, Tel slowed down and indicated as if to turn left.  He began to turn the wheel, then at the last second span the wheel to turn right.  Once they completed the turn he stepped hard on the accelerator.

“That should do it.”

“They’re still behind us.”

“Oh.”

“They’re actually a bit closer because you slowed down.”

“Alright, I get the point.”

“Where will this road take us?”

“Still my house.  If I go left at the next roundabout, straight over the next three roundabouts, right at the next on then left at the next one, we’ll be back where we just were.”

“Who designed Swindon?”

“Dunno.  Probably the same bloke who designed Dougal, Dylan and Ermintrude.”

They turned a hard left at the next mini roundabout, and the big black car followed them.

“I’ve got an idea.  Darren, grab that bottle.”

“The one you told me not to drink out of?  Not likely.”

“Give it here you wuss.”

Sky picked up the bottle, sensibly using her forefinger and a thumb.

“How good a throw have you got?”  Asked Tel.

“Just because I’m a girl don’t assume I can’t throw straight.”

“Great.  In a minute I’m going to hit the brakes and turn hard right.  Bubb’s drivers side window is open.  Open the window behind me, take the lid off the bottle, then when I spin the wheel you’ll have a clear shot.  Lob it at him.”

“That’s disgusting.  It’s tantamount to chemical warfare.”

“It’ll put him off at least.  Do you notice any other weapons of messy distraction in here?”

“Guess not.”

“It’s our best chance then.  Ready?”

Sky gingerly undid the lid of the bottle and held it far from her face, which wrinkled in disgust.

“Good God, you foul man, that’s pungent!”

“Sorry,” Said Tel, “I really shouldn’t eat asparagus.”

“Let’s just get rid of it quickly.”

Tel slowed down as they approached a turning on the right.

“Now!” He shouted.

He braked sharply and turned the wheel hard.  As he did so Sky slid open a side window to the van and heaved the bottle.  She caught a glimpse of Bubb’s angry face behind the wheel.

“I thought you said you could throw well.” said Tel, looking in his rear view mirror as he accelerated away.

“No I didn’t.  I just said that because I was a girl, you shouldn’t assume that I can’t.”

“But you bloody well can’t.”

“You didn’t know that.”

Tel looked in the rear view mirror again and saw the windscreen wipers on Bubb’s car flying back and forth.

“At least you obscured his vision.”

“What do we do now?  How do we get away?”

“He’s faster than us and we’re running low on fuel.  We’re done for.”

 

What, Where and Which crowded into the shed, mouths open in awe.

“Bloody hell, it really is everything.”  Said What.

“I heard that if you know how to use it, you can see everything that’s already happened as well.”

They slowly turned their heads, taking in all the sights that the world had to offer.

“Here, Which, step outside a moment.”

Tarquin Which duly did as he was told.

“Ha!  I can see your bald spot.”

Which stamped back inside.

“Really, What, this isn’t a toy.  It’s so detailed, so complete.  It’s a thing of rare beauty, a wonder of the universe.”

“The fun you could have.  I wish I could remember where that female mud wrestler lived.”

“It was not created to satisfy your perversions!”

“I’ll bet Bob has satisfied a few over the years.  Think of all the Peeping Tomming you could do and never be caught.”

“Henry, it would be a terrible thing for a device created to span the globe, to provide instant access to all areas of the Earth, to be corrupted into a tool for pornography.”

“Still, you could get a glance at some capital knockers.”

Which stamped his foot, which looked rather camp.

“Okay, you win,” said What, “We’ll do the thing we came to do.  How do we start?”

Which stroked his chin.

“Doctor Why, Reveal Yourself.” He tried.

“Don’t be a clod, you’re not Ali Baba, and this isn’t Sesame Street.”

“I don’t think…”

“Doesn’t matter, nor do I.  Let’s just have a glance around, see what we can see.  Maybe there’s an instruction book.”

“Why would Bob write an instruction book for himself?”

“He is very thorough.”

They stared around the shed, trying to ignore the images from around the globe that flashed before their eyes.

“I swear I just saw some flesh.  No, wait a minute, that’s a pig farm.”

“I think I’ve found something?” Said Doctor Where from beneath the table on which the world rested, where he had been rooting around while the others bantered.  He reached out and grabbed at the plastic edge he had spotted.  Pulling it out he revealed it to be a rectangle of plastic with rows of buttons in the middle.  The three men peered down at the hand written script beneath each button.

“Why, What, When…,” Read What, “We’re all here.  It’s all our names.”

“Bubb’s on it as well, and Tel, Steve.  He must use it to find out where we are.”

“I told you so! Look there – Catherine the Great. Sly old dog.  The button’s virtually worn away.”

What’s hand reached out for the remote control, his finger extended.

“Leave her alone,” said Which, slapping the offending digit, “We don’t want the thing to go jaunting about time as well as space.  Hit the button for Why to see if it works.”

Where pressed the suggested button, and the miniature world span before them before settling to reveal a large house at the end of a long driveway.  There were no other houses in its vicinity.  The scene zoomed in on the house and through a window, angling down towards the floor as it did so.

“It worked – there’s Crawford.”

“And he is in strife.”

The three Doctors gazed down at the bound and gagged figure of their leader, huddled in the corner of a room.

“We’ve got to do something!”

“Where the blazes is he, though?”

Where scanned the remote control and spotted a button marked ‘text’.  He pressed it and a few lines of text appeared, hovering in the air in front of them.

“An address – that’s near Cirencester.”

“No distance at all.  Let’s get going!”

“How?  Why and When took the coach.”

“We’ve already sneaked into the Shed – nicking Bob’s Rover won’t make it any worse.”

 

“Fear not, Cerberus.  Soon their fuel will run out, and when they stop we shall overpower them.  No damage to Darren, and we shall find out from Thelopius what that debacle with Why last night was about.”

Cerberus grunted his assent.  Long car journeys with no opportunity for violence were not his cup of tea. 

“They seem desperate, hurling bottles of drink at us.  As if half a pint of apple cordial would deter us from our purpose!”

Cerberus fiddled with the control knobs nearest him, absent minded and bored.

“Careful what you press, Cerberus.”

“Just the blowers, Boss.  Thought I’d get some fresh air in here.”

“Good idea.  Turn them on full bore for a bit.”

Cerberus twisted the dial round hard.

“Whoops.” He said.

“Clumsy oaf – put it back on.”

Cerberus fiddled with the snapped plastic knob that he had gripped in his outsized fingers.

“I can’t Boss, it’s busted.”

“Ha!  I was responsible for them too.  Just leave it – the fresh air will keep us alert.”

Bubb breathed in deeply.

“Bloody hell, that’s not fresh.”

He coughed, the odour catching in the back of his throat.

“That’s quite rank. What on earth is it?”

Cerberus made a gagging sound.

“It smells like after I’ve eaten asparagus and I go to the…”

“The foul creature – that wasn’t apple juice!  It’s got into the air ducts.  Oh how it stings.”

Bubb’s left hand strayed from the wheel to rub his watering eyes.  The car veered slightly.

“Careful, Boss.”

“My eyes!  My eyes! I can’t see a thing!”

“I’ll help, Boss.”

“Cerberus, no, you’ll have us..ugh.”

The car jolted in the air and landed with a crash.  Bubb could see nothing through his streaming eyes, but could hear a cracking and rustling sound.  He stamped on the brake pedal and felt the car slide sideways before coming to a halt.

“Let me out!”  He cried, scrabbling desperately for the door handle.

When the door finally popped open he fell out of the car and rolled away on the soft earth, both hands grasping at his burning eyes.

“The monster, the foul man!” He cried as the stinging subsided and he struggled to his feet.

By this time Cerberus was beside him and placed a comforting arm around his shoulders.

“Did you see where they went, Cerberus?”

“Straight on I think, boss.  Where are we?”

Through his tear blurred eyes Bubb surveyed his chosen parking spot.

“Appears to be a rather large ornamental roundabout.  Open the car doors, break the bloody blowers, air the car out and let’s get going.  I don’t know where they were headed, but I’ll bloody well find Thelopius and have my vengeance!”

 

 


 

[1] ‘A while’ in Bob’s terminology meant several millennia

Chapters

29

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Jared wrote 1562 days ago

A very inventive title and strong pitches are great incentives to read this and the opening line is a cracker. I've read ten chapters without pause and would read on if I could. I'm loving this. I see you've included a Douglas Adams tag - inevitable I suppose, but this is the book the great man should have written. It really is that good.
From "utterly normal bloke" onwards, you had a fan here. Very funny, relentlessly manic, a tour de force.
Polish it and send it out to every publisher out there. If this doesn't get into print, there's no hope for anyone.
Backed with admiration.
Jared.

Katrina Twitchett wrote 1878 days ago

James,

If this book were a pudding it would be jam roly poly and custard. And I would cry as I've given pudding up for Lent.

When this is published, pleeeease would you sign a copy for me?

Shelved with a passion. And a dribbly bit of custard.

Kat

Michelle Gadsden wrote 1266 days ago

love it!!! Very funny book. Hurry up and publish!

Joanna Carter wrote 1319 days ago

Backed, when I can stop laughing long enough to hit the button.
Joanna
Fossil Farm

Glenn_Johnstone wrote 1319 days ago

All I can say is - I laughed my ass off as soon as I started reading ... and I kept reading!

Love the story, the characters ... and yes - the humor!

Looking forward to buying this one in the local bookstore - backed with best wishes.

Glenn (Darkling Child)

Glenn_Johnstone wrote 1319 days ago

All I can say is - I laughed my ass off as soon as I started reading ... and I kept reading!

Love the story, the characters ... and yes - the humor!

Looking forward to buying this one in the local bookstore - backed with best wishes.

Glenn (Darkling Child)

Eunice Attwood wrote 1323 days ago

I may have backed this book before, but I love the way you write and your humour, so it's on my shelf for sure. Eunice - The Temple Dancer.

Owen Quinn wrote 1405 days ago

Bizarre, funny, nonstop, wacky, strange, sideways thinking all make this a great read that absorbs easily. Backed with pleasure.

jfredlee wrote 1413 days ago

James -

This is hysterical.

You had me at God saying "Bugger!"

Glad to see the supreme being is human like the rest of us.

Reading your prologue and first chapter, I couldn't help seeing Terry Gilliam, John Cleese and the rest of the cast of Monty Python acting it out.

Still laughing as I back The Bibble.

Best of luck with The Bibble, and I would love it if you could take a look at my book.

-Jeff Lee
THE LADIES TEMPERANCE CLUB'S FAREWELL TOUR

A Knight wrote 1445 days ago

People have said it before, but this is Dogulas Adams-esque (dare I say better than his work) It's tongue-in-cheek intelligent wit at its best, and I was chirtling into my mug of tea. Fantastic from the first moment, and backed with pleasure.

Abi xxx

carlashmore wrote 1459 days ago

I have written a book called 'Bernard and the Bibble'. This could not be more different. It's really quite hilarious. A true Douglas Adamsesque??? slice of surrealist profound fun, I mean it all starts with an absolute corker of an opening line and just carries on. It is clever, insightful and utterly bizarre and it's totally engaging and enjoyable.
BAcked with pleasure.
Carl
The Time hUnters

zan wrote 1459 days ago

The Bibble
James Stanford

James,
This is a clever title you have for your book. When I first came across it, I simply saw "The Bible" because my eyes were trained to make a connection with my brain even though there were two "bbs" in there, which I simply did not notice. I thought it a curious title, after all, what would a "Bible" be doing as a title here? Anyway, I soon spotted the error of my way, and saw the two "bbs" and by this time, naturally I had to read your pitches. I think a good book starts with a good story, obviously, and this is a good one. Behind the questions you ask in your pitches, there's a lot of satire and food for thought. So, I naturally had to dip into the pages and I wasn't disappointed. This reads well and my only regret is that I didn't have the time to read more - but I will come back to it and I am glad you have uploaded the complete book here so I can see how it all ends, although I am not comfortable myself with uploading complete books (because of ideas beings easily transferred and transplanted - perhaps you might want to take down at least your last chapter? No advice here, but simply what I would do.)Anyway, I was happy to have given this a spin on my shelf and wish you success in finding a publisher. I enjoyed this very much.
Best,
Zan

Bamboo Promise wrote 1479 days ago

It is funny! Strong pitch. I love to back your back.

Burgio wrote 1488 days ago

I passed the story over the first time I saw it because I read the title as "The Bible" - and knew I'd already read that. On closer inspection, I realized there was an extra letter in there so opened it. And am glad I did. It's a funny, funny read. Dialogue is good. Descriptions are amusing. An overall good read. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

kenwyn wrote 1493 days ago

I have come to this completely unfamilair with the genre, but kind of familiar with the baggage and expectations if that makes sense?
So what you have here is a book where the reader anticipates the style, the pace and the literary sight gags.

If you don't know the genre, you don't always see them coming, or don't enjoy them to their full if you do. With me so far?

So .. it took a few moments to realise God was less Charlton Heston, more Richard Briers (!?!). Then far too many ideas far too quickly. I know many people love this kind of stuff but for me personally I would have liked you to slow it down a bit. There are some gems in your descriptions, and I hope you keep it up for the entire book, but C1 reads like you had six coffees then sat at the computer. Jeez! I'm tired out and I've just been reading.
Then the conversations. too many, too confusing. Assumes we know the characters already. You might, but we the readers do not. Take a cue from Elvis; a little less converation a little more action please.

Despite how this might read( and I am writing at 11.25pm on Friday night and its been a long week), I can see this has an awful lot going for it. But I have freely admitted in other reviews to other writers here, I am an impatient reader and you have just too much going on, at least in C1 to keep my short attention span. but I wish you luck, and maybe if I read it again in the morning it'll make more sense. Best of luck with it. Cheers. Matt

lizjrnm wrote 1502 days ago

This is very well written and so tongue in cheek _ nkept my interest in the first four chapters and i will come back for more - love it!

BACKED

Liz
The Cheech Room

bobstire wrote 1510 days ago

This makes me seethe with envy. Astonishingly good.

Very best of luck (not that you'll need luck)

John.

inzie wrote 1511 days ago

i'm with Jared here - your writing flows beautifully through your faultless dialogue. I'm a big fan of good dialogue - so much that is written lacks authenticity. Yours doesn't. Nice spiel at the start - and effortlessly imaginative - lovely stuff.

Baked (like I needed to tell you)

cheers and good luck with this

Chris

soutexmex wrote 1512 days ago

BACKING you. I can use your comments on my book if you can spare the time. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

bonalibro wrote 1512 days ago

I backed this, blindly, a while ago, along with dozens of other books, to get myself out of a sticky wicket, and I am sorry that I did - the blind part, not the backing or the extraction from said sticky wicket - because this is definitely my kind of humor. I love anything steeped in irony and irreverence, and God yelling FORE! and sending the earth off into the universe is my idea of a divine madness. Please try mine, you'll enjoy it, too.

Tim Chambers
Moonbeam Highway: With Apologies to Miguel de Cervantes

udasmaan wrote 1513 days ago

There is another book the same as yours and it is doing very well, going up to the chart. i suppose you are doing other things quite often that takes your time from promoting this extraordinary work. i love the subject and it is so close to my heart. If i am not wrong your characters are God and Gabriel. that is facinating and in some parts it made me smile too. I dont have a great knowledge of English, but there are some books that just hook me, yours is the one for sure, backed with pleasure.

shah

MrsCogan wrote 1517 days ago

wonderfully irreverent!

jtgradishar wrote 1517 days ago

Your book has the perfect title: it conveys all the wonderfully irreverent humor to be found inside.

Take cover after you publish this one. For my part, I was laughing out loud at parts of it.

Well done and backed!

Famlavan wrote 1520 days ago

With a tittle like that I couldn’t resist, and I was not disappointed very, very good, fantastic humour.

Bubbity wrote 1521 days ago

James, the Bibble is a great satirical piece, from the title, to the pitch, to the first line - as soon as I read it I was gripped and it kept going at a good old pace. This is one of those exceptions to my usual genres, precisely because of your witty approach and dialogue eg "we need to have that talk about corsetry" (this and many other lines had me laughing out loud).
Happily backed
Kati Jane (Little Guide to Unhip)

George Chittenden wrote 1521 days ago

Sorry to mimic Jared but your opening line is fantastic! When a book has you laughing at the very start it’s a good sign, reading on I wasn't disappointed. Your plot is ridiculous and I mean that as a huge, huge compliment. Backed

George (The Touch of God)

Janine Crowley Haynes wrote 1524 days ago

Hi James,

The title alone, The Bibble, is alluring. What a refreshing, comedic approach to philosophical concepts of God, the universe and how things came to be. Your description of God, liking his balls (planets) and creating a golf club to whack the blue and green ball into space is amusing to say the least. I also love how you've made Gabriel such a likable, lazy glutton with chocolate on his face.

It may be a matter of taste, but I feel your first chapter might be a bit too long--you might want to break it into two parts. I've also noticed a few possessive apostrophes missing. For example, "mans presence" should be man's presence and "fat mans nose" should be fat man's nose.

This is one of the most original conceptual pieces I've read on this site. I'm glad to see you've uploaded the entire book. Wishing you all the best with the entertaining piece.

Backed,
Janine
MY KIND OF CRAZY

bonalibro wrote 1528 days ago

Hi,

I have backed your book because I found it eminently readable
but have to cover 25 books a day just to keep my place on here.
If you would like a more specific comment please return the favor.
Good luck with it.

Tim Chambers
Moonbeam Highway: With Apologies to Miguel de Cervantes.
Moonbeam Highway: With Apologies to Miguel de Cervantes.

Helena wrote 1530 days ago

Hi James, this is brilliant, really funny, I love your sharp sense of humor mixed with an ironic wit. It very english humor and I can never put my finger on what it is exactly but when it's done well its brilliant. I love the characters, the prologue is very funny, poor old god is having a hard time. Then the dialogue between thel and the little fat man is brilliant, I laughed out loud when Thel asked him who he was, you really are a master at dialogue, its really quick and sharp and as I said before extremely funny. On my shelf without a doubt, a mix of monty python and terry pratchett, not bad company! Helena (A Load of Rubbish)

lionel25 wrote 1535 days ago

James, I've looked at your first chapter. I could follow it logically. Good writing. It needs another round of revision, though.

Chapter One, second paragraph, third sentence: "mans presence" should be "man's presence"

Backed for the potential.

Joffrey

writingwildly wrote 1536 days ago

Love this!
The opening line is priceless. Then there were so many more ... "bob...bob...bob ... you look remarkably like a goldfish". This is so funny. And you write it smoothly with terrific descriptions.
definitely backed
Genevieve
Under the Same Sky

AlanMarling wrote 1536 days ago

Dear James Stanford,

Thank you for sharing your story with us. Your opening paragraphs had me grinning immediately. I appreciate your whimsical and iconoclastic sense of humor. The dialog between God and that chocolate-grubbing Gabriel swept me into the narrative.

In my fallible opinion, you could make your long pitch even better by making it shorter. You demonstrate your funny in the first paragraph as well as giving us an idea of a plot, and battling a demon is a sufficient cliffhanger. I suggest cutting the second paragraph, as the series of questions don’t add significantly to the tension you’ve built. If you wished to add more to your long pitch, you could throw in a few sympathy factors for your protagonist.

This small matter aside, I enjoyed your story. Bravo! Backed.

Best wishes,
Alan Marling

S.D. Gillen wrote 1537 days ago

Oh how this made me giggle! Funny! You have a great writing style. There's nothing I'd advise you to fix or change. Good stuff. My kind of story.
This is the kind of story you have to share with others. You know, the kind with quotes, like movies. People are always saying "Movie quote" and then they quote thier favorite line. I could do the same with your book. Over and over!
Book quote! "It's the feet thing, isn't it? It always seems to annoy people, that one." or "I like my balls, and I want to keep them. By which I mean spherical planets."
This is great!!!!

SD Gillen

Bradley Wind wrote 1538 days ago

Jimmy, I bet you are damn funny at a pub.
I'm also betting tons have said K.Vonnegut and D.Adams to you already right? Chalk another check for me on those too. Very well done. You should contact a fellow named Dai Lowe on this site. He's often known to call the Bible the Bibble and your humor seems like he might enjoy...hard to say really (I barely know myself) but I bet if you made a movie of this book Dai would make an excellent Thelopius. Please excuse my ridiculousness.
This is incredibly clever.
This is mad.
Yes, I loved the prizes at the bottom of the box. Could hardly believe it when they started putting them outside of the cereal bag. No more waiting or digging? What fun is that? I'd love an Insectosaurus.
I want some Jumpy Mix.
As Jared says below...it really is that good. minus one O of course.
I hope your beard is bushy.
I want this to succeed.
Best to you.
-=Bradley

Francesco wrote 1541 days ago

Oh so clever and very amusing.
Enjoyable.
Backed.

Rosali Webb wrote 1541 days ago

james
Intriguing little number. Found the dialogue quite amusing as they bantered away. Reminded me of a Monty Python sketch in some parts - hope that's okay me saying that? Anyway, spotlessly written, and a breath of fresh air. Backed. Rosali Webb
Fieldtrip to Mars

CharlieChuck wrote 1544 days ago

This is very, very funny. had me laughing at the start. It's the that makes this type of comedy, the little funny bits that add up to a whole - Elvis & George formby arguing over scrabble, holding on the telephone, too many to list. Had a feel of pratchett as well as the obvious Hitchhikers. You've got a knack of making the characters instantly likeable and funny.
I read chap 1 and bits of 13 & 27 to check it was still funny. And it is.
I've read nearly 400 books on this site and I would buy about 6 of them, this is one of them. Obviously backed. I really hope you get this published.
Charlie

Marvel Gumshoe wrote 1544 days ago

This is very good. I read the first chapter and started the second but now I must work. I think the style is probably closer to DNA's that Eoin Colfer's attempt. The timing is great, the dialogue is spot on. I spotted what looked like one punctuation error and one clunky phrase ' Had he had' but otherwise I can see no reason why this wouldn't be snapped up - based on teh first chapter alone. Have you submitted it around the houses?

One thing though, your pitch seems too close to DNA, try to distinguish yourself as you, as a brilliant sci-fi humourist. Drop the mention of the cocktail - it says 'I've copied the Pangalactic Gargle Blaster.'


Well done.
M.

Jed Oliver wrote 1545 days ago

Wonderfully hilarious! I think this should be required reading in some special school for some special kind of people.
The question about WHAT special kind of people is open for discussion. I suspect that anyone who reads it becomes, in a special way, special. I have specially shelved it, so it will be ready when needed. Especially yours, Jedward (Knut)

JupiterGirl wrote 1545 days ago

Hi James, I didn't know quite what I was expecting when I read this. The word, Insectosaurus, makes me shiver. That aside, this irreverent romp of a read is highly amusing and I'm sure will do well! Shelved. JupiterGirl (Twins of the Astral Plane.)

William Holt wrote 1549 days ago

As we say in Texas, this is a hoot! Snappy dialogue, wonderfully absurd descriptions, plenty of action. This has to be a winner.

Shelved--Bill

B. J. Winters wrote 1549 days ago

I decided to start reading your ending - Chapter 35 was interesting - coming into this cold the names added an intriguing touch of humor and it seemed there were still in jokes to share with the reader (whatever floats your boat) as an example to keep this fresh. I did find though that the sentences were a bit wordy. My main recommendation would be to make sure that each and every word is necessary. For example: "Looking through the doorway Ted could see a number of the drones in a similar state; some were sitting...." Can be just as effective as "Ted could see a number of drones sitting...." We already know where he is in relation to the scene, and you tell me what 'similar state is' with the sitting -- so do I need those other words? Just a thought.

Chapter 36 tidies the story up nicely - I liked the return to the music channel scene. A reader should be able to visualize this easily. Best of luck to you.

JD Revene wrote 1550 days ago

James,

The short pitch struck me as not quite working, but then the long version is a tour de force and shows what you were aiming for in the short. Reading on I'm expecting something in the vein of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Universe.

Love the prologue--or bit at the start if you prefer.

Have you read the Carpe Trade here, By MrESheep? I think you'd like it. It's very funny--and so's this.

Funny names (Li Ping), ridiculous situations described in a dry down to earth manner, and swipes at things that frustrate us all (call waiting). This is wel put together and easy to read.

I've found little to comment on by way of constructive criticism. You seem to have the voice right for this, and that's the key to this sort of thing, I think. Your story meanders but it's well enough told that I don't mind. I keep finding new reasons to smile.

I'm giving this a spin on my shelf.

meemers wrote 1550 days ago

This writing makes it easy to jump in with both feet and stay. It's got the sparkle and humor that we crave in our lives right now.

backed with pleasure
Sue Sohn

Jonathon_LaMella wrote 1550 days ago

A very well written title and pitch. The first chapter introduces the story well and the dialogue flows nicely. Backed.
Jonathon

A.P. Constantin wrote 1551 days ago

Amidst all this formula genre that takes itself so seriously, it is refreshing to see humour for its own sake. The greats of the field (e.g. Douglas Adams) use satire and sarcasm, you chose bafoonery.

Bafoonery can be effective but you have to watch it. Just go over your text and trim the "jollies" and the "bloodies."

Superlative choice of title!

A.P. Constantin

The Crystal Butterfly Club

Rheagan wrote 1551 days ago

Hello James,
I was browsing the sites of some people I respect and having come across the Bibble, I couldn't resist having a look. I loved it! Suited my sense of humour perfectly. Not only is it hilarious, it's also very well written, smooth and quickly engaging. I would happily buy a copy. Good luck with it, I hope it's successful. Backed with enthusiasm.
Rheagan Greene Unwelcome Reflections.
PS If you’d lkie to read mine, great. If it’s not your thing, don’t worry. No problem.

klouholmes wrote 1551 days ago

Hi James, I enjoyed this for the idea that everyday people might have a more important purpose than it seems - and the whimsical way that this is written. Loved Steve making his call to the beyond and being treated like a forgettable entity. And the bumbling in the shop. The dialogue is delectable, Angus' vernacular coming in with comedy. I can see it will take some fancy plotting to make Thelopius realize his important purpose. Well-written! Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

nboving wrote 1551 days ago

"The Bibble"
How can you possibly not read a bit of a novel that starts "Bugger," said God. I think what really got me though is the absolutely great dialogue: it's bloody funny, and I defy anyone not to want to keep reading once they start.
Which means me. "FORE," he bellowed. I guess he didn't make a hole in one, but I think you may have.

This is on my watch list until I can make room to back, and then I'm going to read a whole lot more.

Nicholas ("The Warlock") - Horro/Thriller

Sam Fallow wrote 1552 days ago

Hi James, I backed this a few days ago and thought you might like my comments.

Love it! I notice Douglas Adams name in your bio and the influence is clear and the connection is worthy of him.
The only glitch I spotted is in Ch3, 'Thelopius looked supervisors back as it walked away. '
Good luck with this,

SF

p.s. I believe in Bob.

Kolro wrote 1552 days ago

Can't believe I've taken so long to get round to reading this. This is tremendous fun that appeals to my love of all things absolutely barking mad. The dialogue here is great. You've mastered the fine art of snappy back-and-forth chatter (my favourite being the whole '...my left...' thing). This is a hilarious piece of work that deserves to do well. Good show old bean.

jamacleod wrote 1552 days ago

I really enjoy this genre of books. Besides being a fan of Douglas Adams, I love Terry Prachett, and his Good Omens book reminds me of The Bibble. This is a great read. backed

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