The Devouring Mother

Swallow -

I FINALLY got to your book. I just read the first 6 chapters and , wown, this is great stuff. Below is a running commentary, followed by overall comments.

Chapter 1:
Capitalizing ‘She’ was a little disconcerting. Also, a couple of times you don’t do it. Personally, I wouldn’t capitalize at all.
-‘Still smiling, she tore off his jaw’ – love it!
“Mended tended die with their pants down’ – needs a ‘to’
Chapter 2:
-love the bit about spontaneous combustion ‘just in case.’
- second paragraph, get rid of the ‘just’ in ‘just spectators.
-don’t repeat the “I told you so” line
-nice ending line!
Chapter 3:
-‘Pay me money, not compliments.’ – ha!
I love the casualness of the whole sorcerer thing. Nice mix of real world and fantasy. Very accessible.
-maybe a little too much description of herself here when the sorcerer asks.
Chapter 4:
Nothing here, but curious if Ms.Zheng is ‘she.’ I like the strange feeling that she might not be dead. Mysterious….
Chapter 5:
Hold your horses! Waaaaay to much back story here! I’d delete this chapter and work the information into the story line on a need to know basis.
Chapter 6
The back and forth between Remington and the twins goes on too long. Otherwise, good chapter. I’m curious what makes Claire so special. Instead of ending on “What the fuck?” I’d have her say something like “Explain.”

Overall, I have to say that this is fantastic. I love Claire’s voice and your writing style as a whole. The premise is unique and compelling, and your supernatural elements are very accessible and interesting. This is one heck of a book, and going on my shelf as soon as I can make some room.

Absolutely loved it.

- Janene (Heaven, Inc.)

Hi Swallow. I noticed your summary and enjoy your genre. You have a special skill. Your protagonist is gutsy and doesn't take any form of abuse from anyone. You managed to make the reader trust her judgment in dismembering perverts and turning on disloyal women. Your setting is shocking and disgusting, which makes your heroine a saviour. You introduce scenes with such intense graphics in your backstory, it captures one's attention and thrusts one forward into the action sequence. Your villian is completely intimidating and what a bang buster ending to chapter 2 with a death threat and mysterious shooting. You fully establish the thrilling ride to be expected and no reader could resist following your lead. Shelved. Good luck. Janet Marie

Hi Swallow, I've read chapter one and it was gripping. I like the action and the avenging female aspect. It really gets going at 'She waited, considering what the delay might mean.' This was especially good because I was wondering if she was daring to hope they had reached their destination. It occurred to me though that the pile of dead should stink, and that might deter people from leaning on it, though maybe not Her. I think there is too much 'a bit' and 'a little' in descriptions, and I thought the writing would be stronger without them, for example at the end of chapter 1, the comparisons to other places. I'm looking forward to reading more. Take a look at Black Earth if you like. Cheers, Helen.

Swallow,
This story is well written. I really got into it. Not much I can find fault with as a reader. I enjoyed it.
1. Well written
2. Kept me entertained and wanting to read more.
3. I believe this piece is quality work
4. i would recommend this to fellow readers
On my shelf
Jan

I just had a read of the Dresden files and I preferred this. I know you haven't been around for a while, but I thought I'd let you know, just on the offchance that you drop in.

This is quite gruesome and written with a clear, if somewhat superior voice. The novel is written well with good imagery and altogether I decided to give it one of those nowadays rare places on my shelf. Not a lot uploaded, but very good so far. Lara
GOOD FOR HIM

A gripping beginning. The first chapter is both lyrical and grotesquely gory.

One little nit: it should be “Men tended (to) die with their pants down….”

J.S.Watts
A DARKER MOON

Durn. I didn't mention funny. You do humour that is actually funny. A rare gift. Please keep writing.

A great read, a pacy, gory, racy story, with a nicely developing plot and fine characterisation. Have you thought of doing a film treatment? I think it is visual enough and snappy enough.

haha Mob-bosses, hell yes. me likes this, although I generally stay clear of chik lits this drew me, probably becosue the logo on the cover reminded me of mortal kombat rofl. but it was actually pretty fun, did not read it fully however, will return to it, but still backed with plesure!

Interesting and exciting - enjoyed it very much.

I can understand why you ask readers to go beyond the first chapter since from Ch2 the voice changes. The question I have, then, is this: while the first chapter is intriguing and bloody and starts the tale off with a bang, does it actually fit in with the rest of story? You need to be clear in you own mind that there is a good reason for doing this way. I only raise as something to consider.

As far as the opening paragraphs are concerned, I would have preferred that you started with "The claustrophobia . . ." as this is movement forward. What you have in the first para is not so movement and might be better as the second.

As for the violence, it is very cinematic rather than realistic. if you would like me to go further into this aspect, please ask me and I will be happy to say more.

This is an intriguing mix of things but I wonder if the magical is strong enough as it stands at the moment. I'll be honest and say that I don't know the answer but it seems to me that perhaps you introduce the idea too matter-of-factly when compared to, say, the way in which you do the violence at the start. To me, it seems that it ought to be more mysterious but I am not familiar with the genre so I may be quite wrong.

You have a clear strong style which is reminiscent of magic/crime films in many respects. It is certainly visual although you do sometimes stop to explain when I'm not sure whether you should. But than I am inclined to explain nothing at all if I can avoid it.

Overall, this pretty good but needs some tightening and reworking in places (due to some lack of clarity and some overwritten bits) which can be done when you revise.

Chapter 3

-"Not a great admission from... is it?" This question directly addresses the reader, and it feels like I just got caught snooping in someone else's business. I'd like it better if it was a statement.
-I love your sprinkling in of terms like hanfu. Great supporting explanations, too.

Ok, the story is solidifying for me now. There is an overall coherence from chapter 1 through. Now that I mentally separate the prologue from the rest, I better appreciate these early chapters. I am also becoming used to the incorporation of magic in your world, because it is becoming more relevant to plot instead of merely being a descriptor.
Now here's the rub: Chapter 1-3 is quality writing. Great characters, great scenes, pace, flow, etc. I'd back it thus far on those chapters alone. Your prologue is BRILLIANT, but it sets everything up so differently, I think you should consider moving it or removing it (And that would be a bloody shame, because I f*%$ing *love* it). I wanted to know about that murderous passenger so badly, it was eclipsing your other characters (Claire, Remington, Teddy, Nicome). So powerful a hook it was, I'm tempted to jump ahead to find where she comes back into the story.

There is a whole pro/anti debate on prologues. I believe in them, as I've seen them used to powerful effect. Yours is *very* powerful... Ironic that I find myself recommending its relocation in this story.
Perhaps I'm being overly critical. If I am, it is because you set a very high standard here. When I see quality, I dig in and get picky. Please take my criticisms for what they are: the opinions of just one reader, but a reader who is pulling for you to go all the way. You can and you will.
I'm shelving this, with the intent to return and keep reading as I find the time.

-Allen

Chapter 3

-"That never bode well." This sentence made me pause to contemplate whether or not it was a typo.
-Claire for clarity. I like it.
-"What am I supposed to do with half a cauldron?" While comedic, it's changing the tone again. Especially when it follows the magazine scene in the waiting room and Remington's flirting with telemarketers.

Again, I'm concerned with the shifting tone of each chapter. This one is too far removed (for me) from the prologue, as if it isn't taking itself seriously. The writing is excellent, as I have no doubts of descriptions, interactions, settings, etc. And within each chapter there is a smooth flow of dialogue and events. I'm asking myself, however, will this be horror, noir, comedy/satire, or (gulp) all three?
Regarding the incorporation of magic (and this could be my prejudice against it speaking) I haven't found that it adds significantly to my enjoyment of the story. I have gone back through the read thus far to try and look objectively. While it adds a little more color to the world you've built, it seems to me a color that doesn't blend with the rest. Purely one reader's opinion there, of course...
I want to see what the overall tone of the book will be, so I'm going on.

Chapter 1

-So we're into first person now... ok, I'll go with it.
-Nice scene building and set up.
-"...superstar crime-boss..." Hmm, sounds a little *nintendo* to me.

This chapter feels quite different from the prologue, not just in character and situation and character, but also in style, pace, and point of view. Enough so that it reads to me like a completely different book. I wouldn't say that's necessarily a criticism as it is an observation.
If you'll permit my opinion, I prefer the prologue's feel, as it was more appealing to my tastes, and set a harsh, blood-smeared and menacing tone of supernatural proportions. This chapter has more of a crime story feel (for obvious reasons) and I'm unsure which way the book will proceed. One way to find out.

On to Chapter 2...

Man, no kidding around in the prologue. Straight to it. Strong.

I'm immediately hooked, despite my prejudice against books involving magic. Your main character is cynical, yet imbued with the grim wisdom of lengthy experience, and she seems to accept the myriad attrocities around her with relaxed grace. A menace without malice, She may once have been human, and the wonder of what she has become pulls me into subsequent chapters...

Onto Chapter 1...

Wow!

How on earth did you dream this one up! Extraordinary. I, as is my wont, have a couple (personal) of gripes, but until I've read more - when you uploaded it I shoudn't comment. Until then, on my WL, and, most probably, on my shelf.

The pace of this is really breathtaking. Can you keep it up, because the pace, it seems to me, is very important to your work.

Martin.
(My House on the Fjord)
(The Art of Tragedy)

Hi Swallow. I noticed your summary and enjoy your genre. You have a special skill. Your protagonist is gutsy and doesn't take any form of abuse from anyone. You managed to make the reader trust her judgment in dismembering perverts and turning on disloyal women. Your setting is shocking and disgusting, which makes your heroine a saviour. You introduce scenes with such intense graphics in your backstory, it captures one's attention and thrusts one forward into the action sequence. Your villian is completely intimidating and what a bang buster ending to chapter 2 with a death threat and mysterious shooting. You fully establish the thrilling ride to be expected and no reader could resist following your lead. Shelved. Good luck. Janet Marie

Ch 3. Good description of Remington's smile and the reasons behind it. The second sight is wonderful. Very descriptive. I like the fact that it's not easy and comes with a price in the form of pain. Splash of houmor about the brain tumor, is natural. Visual description of Mrs Zheng's house. Your description of the body is very original - I've never come across anything like it before - sit up and wipe the blood off her stomach. Great. The Remmington's reaction ends the chapter on a compelling hook.

Joanna

Swallow,

Ch 2. For me, it becomes less interesting. I think your strength is that you write about gripping and dramic things very well, but you are less expert at the more mundane. The day to day stuff is too long. We discover some important things though - the agency isn't doing ver well, Claire is short of money, she has also not been paid. I think it would be more powerful to start with her worrying about her finances and how to get more work for the agency. The arrival of Theodore is well described, but given that the agency needs the money, she and Remmington should be more excited about his arrival. They seem blase and unprofessional. And for Remmington to tell her she looks pretty when there is a potentional client waiting sounds fake.

I like the way you toss words like sorcerer into the prose. It sounds natural and is a great way to remind the reader whcih genre they are in, because till then it's down to earth.

I'm taking a break before I go to Ch 3.

Joanna.

Good tension in the first couple of paragraphs. The readers wonders what the coming event is. Very good lines here - rush of warm air from the courthouse on our faces. Nothing to critize here. You had me in the crowd, watching and waiting.

The last line is a huge hook, leaving questions. Who got shot? I guess it's Nicome, but I won't know till I start the next chapter.

Joanna

Swalow,

Eye catching cover. Strong pitch.

Prologue - the 'She' in the first line should be she. Ah, I see you always use She, so this is obviouly not an error. Interesting. Cut words like 'dutifully' you don't need it. I can smell and see the filth, you've described it so well. Maggots. Starvation would be preferable to parasites or poisening. This line SHOWS how terrible the food is.
Further down you write 'she'.
The entry of the snakeheads is tense and dramatic and powerful. I hate their cruelty so much I want them all to drop dead. One of the babies wailed - the splas it made was much quieter. A simple line that shows the full horror of what is happening.
She tore off his jaw - this comes as such a shock. And then you turn the whole thing around and make the reader realise that far from being the savious She is as bad - no worse than the men she kills. And that she kills the women to makes her evil.

To sum up the prologue - Excellent, shocking and compelling.

I always lose stuff when I try to do it all together, so I'll comment on each Chapter separately.

Joanna

Hi Swallow
I read your request for a 'proper' review so I've had a look and I've been tough.
I do only read the first three chapters because that is what an agent would read (if you are lucky) and so they have to be spot on. Also if mistakes are there they will continue to be there throughout.

So
Characters - who are they? In the first chapter it is unclear who the lead character is. Is she part of the crew or is she part of the cargo. We don’t find out until halfway through the second paragraph, if it was earlier you could build up an immediate empathy with her that would be rocked when she turns vicious. The more vulnerable you make her seem the more powerful the twist – polarity. You also describe brilliantly everything except her. You just touch on her briefly.

In the second chapter you again hide the name and nature of the protagonist. In fact we don’t discover her name until chapter 2. You are trying to make the reader care about this person. So tell us who she is, why she is there outside the courthouse. What has she got invested in the outcome of this case. Time, effort, a personal angle? If they are just ‘spectators’ and it has no importance to them then why are we there watching with them?

Set up - Because you have used ch 1 as a long prologue then ch 2 is where you need to establish the world in which your story will take place but instead you give us another prologue. Then in ch 3 you start to introduce the world but it’s too late, the reader will be confused – Is this horror, is this crime, is this supernatural. For instance in the second chapter you mention ‘tails’, ‘psuedopod’ ‘them’ ‘they’, a man moving oddly but the main thrust is about the verdict and the last line.

Logic – Why would there be a pile of dead bodies – they are at sea, wouldn’t they throw them overboard?
Why would the crew wait until they were near land to throw the men overboard? Wouldn’t it be better to do it out at sea when they wouldn’t be washed ashore? Why would they feed them longer than they had to?
How many people would it take to man the boat?

Description – you have an ability to describe beautifully but I think you focus more on this than on the emotional reactions in the scene. There’s an inbalance. It’s the emotional reaction that draws a reader into the book and keeps them there, not description, no matter how detailed it is.

So there you are, you asked for it. Now, if you have a look at mine you can decide whether you should take any notice of me!

Maureen

Thank you! I'm up in the air about the disparate nature of the first three chapters. The "first chapter" is technically a prologue, but the "2nd chapter" is where the story begins. I might move the prologue, but the trouble with that is it is that is chronologically before everything else. -_-;;;

Logic-wise about the bodies, they would be tossed away from land, but the trouble is that the traffickers are concerned about being spotted, so the bodies have been down there a few days. To be honest, the traffickers don't really care anyway and the immigrants can't exactly leave the hold. I'm not sure if I should mention this in the story just because it isn't a major point and the stinky pile of bodies was just meant to set the mood?

Swallow,

I had a little browse through the more unusual offerings on authonomy today and came by your book. The pitch worked for me (despite the comments I've made - see below), so I read some, then some more - and I'm glad I did. I made some notes as I read, having noted your preference for honest, constructive feedback. Here's what I've got.

You very effectively create a heavy, depair-laiden atmosphere in the prologue, using powerful words and phrases (fetid, brackish, miserable, claustrophobia, the baby who 'squalled'). Good work there.

'...no stomach for the personal side of murder...' Nice comment on (some of) humanity.

'Still smiling, She tore off his jaw.' Superb. 'A couple of the nearby...began screaming properly.' Good - can't stand those half-hearted screaming attempts :-) This is really well done; gruesome, yet morbidly entertaining.

The writing flows very smoothly, there're lots of examples of your subtle humour and it is most definately engaging. The dialogue is open and honest, realistic and appropriate. In truth, there's not much to find fault with in The Devouring Mother, so I changed tack and started on a quick proofread.

These following comments are merely suggestions:

Pitch: 'Illium is city...' to ensure that sentence makes sense, you need either a definite or an indefinite article between 'is' and 'city'. 'Illium is the city / Illium is a city...'

Pitch: '...most everyone else who...' It's okay to talk like that - it's vernacular, after all, and we all do it no matter where we're from; but you're reaching a world-wide audience and the word really should be 'almost' if you want that sentence to be grammatically correct. If it's truly your intention to give your pitch the localised feel, then that's your call...just ignore me :)

'...standing in an inch deep in fetid...' Lose an 'in' - probably the first one.

'...too close to their guards who enjoyed...' Put a comma between 'guards' and 'who'.

'The vast starry sky was welcome sight.' Add an 'a' (an indefinite article) between 'was' and 'welcome'.

'...and they too held guns...' Try: '...and they, too, held guns...'

'Men tended die...' to die.

'One of the Snakeheads made to shout back. She didn't wait for an answer.' I'd say 'She didn't wait for his answer.'

Tautology: '...tore through both their abdomens...' Lose 'both'.

Tautology: '...side of the hulk, and her own feet...' Lose 'own'.

Style: [it's almost taboo to suggest an alteration to a writer's style, but it's just a thought] 'And in the distance, she saw a thin band of lights twinkling on the horizon.' It's simply my preference, but I'd do away with the verbs of perception (she saw, she heard, she tasted, etc) as often as possible. For example, you could rewrite that sentence - 'And in the distance, a thin band of lights twinkled on the horizon.' That would let the reader get closer to the story; get more involved.

Also on style, you've switched to first person in chapter 1. If you have a compelling reason to change from 3rd to 1st, that's fine. Personally, I think you'll get away with it, because the difference in time, place and 'feel' between the prologue and the first chapter are significant.

There are more examples of typos, etc, but much fewer in the later chapters (please don't take this the wrong way, but was the prologue a hurried after-thought?). An edit will sort them out quite easily. And it would be worth the effort, because this manuscript stands out from the crowd. Its messages are powerful and topical - and for that reason I'm shelving this. I'll even keep my fingers crossed that it gets to the ed's desk one day; there's a market for this type of material. I'd buy it.

Best of luck!

--Jack Ramsay (Brogan's Crossing)

Lol. The prologue actually was an afterthought, but not a quick one. My boyfriend and I have been sending it back and forth editing it in every way but mechanics. So my excuse is half the typos are his. =P

Hi
I agreed to critically review your book in the spirit of trying to help, so that is what I will do. From the start:
I think you intend 'She' to have a capital S throughout the prologue but I found it distracting - sorry.
Do you mean 'down in the bowels of the cargo hold'? If you do, 'the' is missing.
'Standing in an inch deep in fetid waters.' You don't need 'in' twice. 'Standing an inch deep in fetid ... would be better.
I'd put a full stop after 'brackish water. Perhaps, she thought, perhaps it was ...
'Yes, she thought, this place was much the same' - use a comma after 'thought', not a semi colon.
'awhile' should be two words in that context - 'a while'.
Do you mean 'shouted for what was going on'? That doesn't make sense to me, it might if you remove the word 'for'.
'One of them, who was wearing' - 'who' is missing - you need to add it for the sentence to make sense.
'Vast starry sky was a welcome sight' - there is no 'a' - you need to add the letter 'a' for it to make sense.

OK. I am half way down the prologue, line editing your work. I want to give you my impressions because up till now it sounds as I've criticised everything, and that is not my intention.
I think you write very well. Extremely well. What you must do though, is line edit every line. Read it aloud to yourself, or get someone to read it aloud to you, because although you write beautifully there are lots of little omissions that are trivial yet distract altogether from the quality of your writing.
And I do think this is quality writing. Your descriptive narrative is excellent. There is so much vivid detail here - with a little polishing and a close attention paid to tiny details, this could be excellent. I also think you have a gripping story, and I want to read more but am distracted by the minor issues above. I will return when time allows.
Ali Mair

Thank you. I'm terrible at editing things on a computer screen: typos, etc just get missed. I'm going to print everything out and re-edit. It's just getting to that point...

Hello there Swallow,

I read the first chapter, and most of the second. No complaints about the writing, although the transition between ch 1 and ch2 is so abrupt it's like two totally different stories.
But the material just isn't my thing, okay.
Regards and good luck,

A few people are seeing this, and I think I need to edit or perhaps move the Prologue (chapter one on authonomy) to a different part of the book. Maybe. I will work on this. I'm hoping the other chapters flow OK.

Hi Swallow
I read your request for a 'proper' review so I've had a look and I've been tough.
I do only read the first three chapters because that is what an agent would read (if you are lucky) and so they have to be spot on. Also if mistakes are there they will continue to be there throughout.

So
Characters - who are they? In the first chapter it is unclear who the lead character is. Is she part of the crew or is she part of the cargo. We don’t find out until halfway through the second paragraph, if it was earlier you could build up an immediate empathy with her that would be rocked when she turns vicious. The more vulnerable you make her seem the more powerful the twist – polarity. You also describe brilliantly everything except her. You just touch on her briefly.

In the second chapter you again hide the name and nature of the protagonist. In fact we don’t discover her name until chapter 2. You are trying to make the reader care about this person. So tell us who she is, why she is there outside the courthouse. What has she got invested in the outcome of this case. Time, effort, a personal angle? If they are just ‘spectators’ and it has no importance to them then why are we there watching with them?

Set up - Because you have used ch 1 as a long prologue then ch 2 is where you need to establish the world in which your story will take place but instead you give us another prologue. Then in ch 3 you start to introduce the world but it’s too late, the reader will be confused – Is this horror, is this crime, is this supernatural. For instance in the second chapter you mention ‘tails’, ‘psuedopod’ ‘them’ ‘they’, a man moving oddly but the main thrust is about the verdict and the last line.

Logic – Why would there be a pile of dead bodies – they are at sea, wouldn’t they throw them overboard?
Why would the crew wait until they were near land to throw the men overboard? Wouldn’t it be better to do it out at sea when they wouldn’t be washed ashore? Why would they feed them longer than they had to?
How many people would it take to man the boat?

Description – you have an ability to describe beautifully but I think you focus more on this than on the emotional reactions in the scene. There’s an inbalance. It’s the emotional reaction that draws a reader into the book and keeps them there, not description, no matter how detailed it is.

So there you are, you asked for it. Now, if you have a look at mine you can decide whether you should take any notice of me!

Maureen

Dear Swallow,


I have read your pitch, synopsis, prologue, first two chapters and have placed The Devouring Mother on my bookshelf.

In my opinion, you might cut the narrative back considerably and also convert a lot of it to character dialogue and direct action. Let the reader see the characters in action rather than hear about it from a narrator.

Recently a literary agent threw my manuscript back at me for exactly this and I have been rewriting as I suggest above. Lots of notes below on this.

Over the past five months I have spent three hundred hours providing page-long critiques but can no longer keep up with the volume. Also, three in ten writers whom I critique, resent me suggesting any kind of rewrite and punish me by not reciprocating the swap-read.

So I’m trying another way of passing on information.

I will attempt to do better than critique your work by indicating how you might judge it yourself. Rather along the lines of give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Teach him how to fish, feed him for life. You may or may not agree with everything and I admit I do not always stick to these thoughts either.

What I have set out below are guide-lines based on what I myself have learnt from being published.

The pitch is very important as among the book-lists which editors scan, your pitch stands alone with no support from the synopsis. I write the synopsis first, because a key sentence there is usually appropriate for the pitch.

A synopsis is not a dust-jacket advertisement. Aimed at a professional editor, it is a no-nonsense summary of what happens in the novel, including how the novel ends. Don’t leave the editor dangling and don’t ask her questions. Tell her.

Somerset Maugham said, ‘There are three rules for writing a successful novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.’

Correct. There are no rules for creativity. Think of Richard Bach’s Jonathon Livingstone Seagull. So way out, so creative it was rejected over a hundred times. Then it became a best seller.

There is one criterion though……. entertainment. Our writing must entertain from the very first sentence. There is no other reason for story-telling whether around a camp fire or in print..

I have struggled nine years to write three novels. Each written three times. One published, one lying fallow, Fig Tree currently in the process of being rewritten for the fifth time. Two literary agents requested the full manuscript but threw it back at me for narrative story telling. So I am rewriting.

Based on what has happened to me, these are my thoughts on what editors want from us…………….


Plunge directly into the story. Do not set the scene or back-story first. When we go to a play and the curtain rises, we don’t see stage hands putting the props in place. The stage is already set. Likewise our opening paragraphs to the reader, the actors should immediately get on with it.

I have found that our opening chapter isn’t necessarily the first one we write. It might only occur to us when the novel is completed.

Let our characters drive the story-telling via dialogue, interplay and direct action. It’s stupid (although I am guilty of this) to have a stage set and silent characters frozen, while an off-stage narrator bores the audience with what is supposed to be happening on the stage.

Write minimal words because research shows that our readers’ brains race ahead of our words, visualizing the scene themselves, anticipating how our sentences end…… four times faster than they are reading. They become bored and frustrated by our overwriting, over description, unnecessary information. (I have been hauled over the coals for this.)

Write tight, sparse, lean, stark, bare bones. Adjectives and adverbs are for people who need a crutch to support their unimaginative nouns and verbs. As far as possible, always seek the appropriate noun and verb.

(Read John Steinbeck’s field notes Journal of a Novel which he jotted down while he was writing East of Eden. He edited out as many adjectives and adverbs as possible, finding the appropriate noun or verb instead.)

And yet, in my rewrite I am horrified to find superfluous words, adjectives, adverbs and general waffling which I am getting rid of. I am embarrassed at my own work.

My vocabulary is poor, so I use Roget’s Thesaurus which is a treasure. A real work-horse and a delight to use. It’s a companion that provides thousands of alternative words. Appropriate nouns and verbs are there for the picking.

Don’t write your scenes. Live them. Experience them. Meditate. Daydream yourself into them Watch what is happening. Listen to what the characters are saying. Smell the sweat or the aroma or whatever. Touch what the characters are touching. What do you feel? Taste the bile, the coffee, or the skin of the lover.

All communication is made through our five senses. I wear earmuffs when I write, to help me leave this world, experience the emotions and the senses and disappear into another universe which is the scene I’m trying to paint.

Are we stirring the emotions of the reader? Feeling is critically important. This can be achieved through good dialogue. Speak your dialogue aloud to hear what it sounds like. Is it natural? Do people really speak like that? Is it too formal? In the real world, we often don’t speak complete sentences. So dialogue can be truncated too to make it more natural.

In my opinion a novel must generate its own momentum, so readers experience it rather than read it. This can be achieved by dreaming it, experiencing it, living it, rather than writing it.

To avoid clumsiness I edit out the past participle ‘had’. I change ‘he had done it’ to ‘he did it’ It seems to make the action more immediate and more relevant.

I also dump words ending in ‘-ly’……. seemingly, clearly, obviously. actually, strangely, finally, eventually………. and all the others. Somehow they weaken our writing and make it vague.

And I am finding that much of the dialogue reads better if the ‘he said, she said’ is deleted.

Taking words out of our sentences and taking sentences out of long narrative paragraphs, in my opinion, is the secret to better writing. I can easily cut my stuff between 20% and 50%.

I learnt this when a literary agent demanded I delete 40,000 words from my first novel of 120,000 words. I was shocked but I cut it back to 80,000 words and the novel was published.

Fig Tree has already shed 16,000 words and I am currently rewriting it for the fifth time, changing the dialogue, cutting the narrative and tightening the writing as much as possible. I might dump another 6,000 words.

You may be interested in The Video Inside Our Heads, which is part of a confession I made about my idiocies in attempting to write. See, ‘How I Wrote and Sold My First Novel’ in Forum’s Writing section. It’s quite insane and you’ll probably laugh at me but it did work and I suppose that’s what matters..

I trust this is better than a critique and helps a little.


Kind regards,



Pierre.

Hello there Swallow,

I read the first chapter, and most of the second. No complaints about the writing, although the transition between ch 1 and ch2 is so abrupt it's like two totally different stories.
But the material just isn't my thing, okay.
Regards and good luck,

Swallow,

I had a little browse through the more unusual offerings on authonomy today and came by your book. The pitch worked for me (despite the comments I've made - see below), so I read some, then some more - and I'm glad I did. I made some notes as I read, having noted your preference for honest, constructive feedback. Here's what I've got.

You very effectively create a heavy, depair-laiden atmosphere in the prologue, using powerful words and phrases (fetid, brackish, miserable, claustrophobia, the baby who 'squalled'). Good work there.

'...no stomach for the personal side of murder...' Nice comment on (some of) humanity.

'Still smiling, She tore off his jaw.' Superb. 'A couple of the nearby...began screaming properly.' Good - can't stand those half-hearted screaming attempts :-) This is really well done; gruesome, yet morbidly entertaining.

The writing flows very smoothly, there're lots of examples of your subtle humour and it is most definately engaging. The dialogue is open and honest, realistic and appropriate. In truth, there's not much to find fault with in The Devouring Mother, so I changed tack and started on a quick proofread.

These following comments are merely suggestions:

Pitch: 'Illium is city...' to ensure that sentence makes sense, you need either a definite or an indefinite article between 'is' and 'city'. 'Illium is the city / Illium is a city...'

Pitch: '...most everyone else who...' It's okay to talk like that - it's vernacular, after all, and we all do it no matter where we're from; but you're reaching a world-wide audience and the word really should be 'almost' if you want that sentence to be grammatically correct. If it's truly your intention to give your pitch the localised feel, then that's your call...just ignore me :)

'...standing in an inch deep in fetid...' Lose an 'in' - probably the first one.

'...too close to their guards who enjoyed...' Put a comma between 'guards' and 'who'.

'The vast starry sky was welcome sight.' Add an 'a' (an indefinite article) between 'was' and 'welcome'.

'...and they too held guns...' Try: '...and they, too, held guns...'

'Men tended die...' to die.

'One of the Snakeheads made to shout back. She didn't wait for an answer.' I'd say 'She didn't wait for his answer.'

Tautology: '...tore through both their abdomens...' Lose 'both'.

Tautology: '...side of the hulk, and her own feet...' Lose 'own'.

Style: [it's almost taboo to suggest an alteration to a writer's style, but it's just a thought] 'And in the distance, she saw a thin band of lights twinkling on the horizon.' It's simply my preference, but I'd do away with the verbs of perception (she saw, she heard, she tasted, etc) as often as possible. For example, you could rewrite that sentence - 'And in the distance, a thin band of lights twinkled on the horizon.' That would let the reader get closer to the story; get more involved.

Also on style, you've switched to first person in chapter 1. If you have a compelling reason to change from 3rd to 1st, that's fine. Personally, I think you'll get away with it, because the difference in time, place and 'feel' between the prologue and the first chapter are significant.

There are more examples of typos, etc, but much fewer in the later chapters (please don't take this the wrong way, but was the prologue a hurried after-thought?). An edit will sort them out quite easily. And it would be worth the effort, because this manuscript stands out from the crowd. Its messages are powerful and topical - and for that reason I'm shelving this. I'll even keep my fingers crossed that it gets to the ed's desk one day; there's a market for this type of material. I'd buy it.

Best of luck!

--Jack Ramsay (Brogan's Crossing)

Swallow -

I FINALLY got to your book. I just read the first 6 chapters and , wown, this is great stuff. Below is a running commentary, followed by overall comments.

Chapter 1:
Capitalizing ‘She’ was a little disconcerting. Also, a couple of times you don’t do it. Personally, I wouldn’t capitalize at all.
-‘Still smiling, she tore off his jaw’ – love it!
“Mended tended die with their pants down’ – needs a ‘to’
Chapter 2:
-love the bit about spontaneous combustion ‘just in case.’
- second paragraph, get rid of the ‘just’ in ‘just spectators.
-don’t repeat the “I told you so” line
-nice ending line!
Chapter 3:
-‘Pay me money, not compliments.’ – ha!
I love the casualness of the whole sorcerer thing. Nice mix of real world and fantasy. Very accessible.
-maybe a little too much description of herself here when the sorcerer asks.
Chapter 4:
Nothing here, but curious if Ms.Zheng is ‘she.’ I like the strange feeling that she might not be dead. Mysterious….
Chapter 5:
Hold your horses! Waaaaay to much back story here! I’d delete this chapter and work the information into the story line on a need to know basis.
Chapter 6
The back and forth between Remington and the twins goes on too long. Otherwise, good chapter. I’m curious what makes Claire so special. Instead of ending on “What the fuck?” I’d have her say something like “Explain.”

Overall, I have to say that this is fantastic. I love Claire’s voice and your writing style as a whole. The premise is unique and compelling, and your supernatural elements are very accessible and interesting. This is one heck of a book, and going on my shelf as soon as I can make some room.

Absolutely loved it.

- Janene (Heaven, Inc.)

A couple of other things just occurred to me to mention too. I like the title, it drew me in. The pitch didn't really grab me that much. Chapter one then drew me in but seemed more strongly related to the title than the pitch. Not sure if that info helps.

Hi Swallow, I've read chapter one and it was gripping. I like the action and the avenging female aspect. It really gets going at 'She waited, considering what the delay might mean.' This was especially good because I was wondering if she was daring to hope they had reached their destination. It occurred to me though that the pile of dead should stink, and that might deter people from leaning on it, though maybe not Her. I think there is too much 'a bit' and 'a little' in descriptions, and I thought the writing would be stronger without them, for example at the end of chapter 1, the comparisons to other places. I'm looking forward to reading more. Take a look at Black Earth if you like. Cheers, Helen.

Swallow,
This story is well written. I really got into it. Not much I can find fault with as a reader. I enjoyed it.
1. Well written
2. Kept me entertained and wanting to read more.
3. I believe this piece is quality work
4. i would recommend this to fellow readers
On my shelf
Jan

Swallow

I have just finished reading all of your posts and I thought that I would try and give you some feedback. Your first chapter draws us at at three hundred miles an hour. The description is graphic, brutal even and exactly what is needed. We know something bad is going to happen, but until She actually has had enough, we don´t quite know what it will be. So, you start really well, but the pace changes completely afterwards. Now it's less horror and more thriller/cop-storey with a bit of magic thrown in. It's not really until you get to the murder of Zheng Dan (who by the way in Chp 6 I think, you call Dan ZHang and Zhèng Dàn) that the pace picks up for me. You write action extremely well and I was right there with you.

I guess my only real nitpick is the pace change and the fact that you didn't keep me on the edge of my seat all the way (my problem as I love action novels).

So, great start and I would love to come back and read more. On my revolving shelf.

Cheers

Rayo

Swallow,

Wow! What a hook at the end of chapter two. Nicely done. The writing flowed smoothly and the plot moved along at a nice pace.

You're on my bookshelf.

ML

Great , eye-opening situation and setting to open with.

In general, this flows very well, but there are places where you might need to pay a little more attention to is the rhythm of the sentences. Most of the time its exciting but occasionally it gets a little herky-jerky which can distract a reader from the spell. (For example, the three sentences in a row that start with maybe at the end of Chapter 1). Reading aloud helps sort that kind of thing out.

Passive voices also tend to pop up a little bit more often optimal as well. See if you can change an occasional those 'was' into a more active verb. Not all of them, but a few more here and there would add some muscle, and break some of the repetition.

Swallow,

Wow! Wasn't prepared for that much gore in the first chapter, but your writing is fluid and the pacing was good. You definitely have a taste for horror. I can't really comment on much else. I didn't find anything that took me out of the horror you painted on the deck of the ship. Interesting read.

You're on my watchlist.

ML

Very much fun and very different. I have read the chapters you have posted. I especially like the beginning. You have some problems with proofreading esp. not choosing which verb you want from the several you have written. I like the character setup so far. Green eyed Asian girls are perhaps becoming a bit cliched, but given her father's ethnicity I suppose not. I am shelving this.
Nancy