The Summoner

Just thought I'd repost the first ten edited chapters of my book here. Thanks to all who have/will read it :)

I started reading Chapter 1 out of curiosity, after reading the introduction. I like this genre. That chapter made me even more curious about what would happen next. However, the story gradually seems to lose a main line in its narrative. What is this story about? If there is one thing all winning books in this genre have in common, it is that they all want to say something, though they never say so verbatim. Stephen King is probably the king of narrators all his novels are not only thrilling, exciting, stimulating, or whatever, to read, but also always have a core issue, like the value of real friends in It, etc. At this stage of your writing, you may want to give this a thought.
Good luck with your book, Peter (One Turbulent Year)

Hello Jenny,
I read somewhere that it’s not good form to use contractions in narrative. Apparently, it’s OK to use in speech. So things like would’ve, she’d, wasn’t, etc should be reserved for dialogue only and the full words should be used in the text. I used to do it too but I forced myself to change. It might have been an editor or one of the scores of reject letters I’ve had - ha, ha.
“She pulled on her sweatshirt and backpack and headed out the door.” Too many ‘ands’ maybe better as = “She pulled on her sweatshirt and backpack then headed out the door.”
“…conversationswhile…” missing space
Be consistent – you have ‘Mom’ and ‘mom’ – use one or the other but not both. In fact, using mom in her dialogue is OK but it might be better to say mother elsewhere
Ch.2 ends in mid-sentence
Ch.4
“…other necessaries..” I think “necessities” is a better word in this context
You describe the other world nicely but Kelly would be missing music, cell phones, mirrors, iPods, traffic sounds, electricity, the smells of the city, etc. What she experiences on this other world in terms of sounds and smells is not mentioned.
“…dinner of meet and…” = “meat”
Ch.6
“Most people in town were a passing acquaintance.” Mixed quantities – better as = “Most people in town were passing acquaintances.”
Ch.10
“..pepole…” = “people”
“…ma’Am…” = Ma’am”

This is a wonderful story well told, so far. What a pity you have not included the rest of it for comment. I am reluctant to give a high star rating to an incomplete work. I don’t know if you tie all the loose ends together in the plot or whether you run out of steam. Please message me if you upload more and I will comment/rate accordingly.
Best wishes, Charles Dyer (Mach100)

This book had a really interesting and fresh concept. I liked how you dropped the reader right into turmoil from the first chapter, then immediately entered another world full of fantasy and mystery. Your descriptions are good and create a very believeable world. Also, I liked Kelly. Even when she landed in a world she had no idea about she didn't get all hysterical - or just accept it.
I thought that sometimes you tended to let the characters thoughts drift off course slightly, especially the part when she was thinking about shaving her legs. I don't think someone who'd just landed in a alien world would be thinking about their legs, but that's just my opinion :)
I really like this novel and I sincerely hope it will do well.
A good read everybody!
Yasmin
- Guileless

This book is off to a good start, but I think more of it needs to be here for my backing. What I liked about it was a different playful take on what happens after death. And the dream sequence almost has a Buddhist flair, but the language seems to be Yiddish. I encourage you to continue to develop this and update me as you load more chapters. I read the first two chapters and the last one. I also ranked the book and added it to my watch list.
Best of luck.
Roberta

Alright, I've read through the first five chapters, and I like what I see so far. Here are my thoughts.

Chapter 1:
I think someone else mentioned this, but unless the fencing is foreshadowing something else in the story (Kelly becoming skilled in swordsmanship or something), leave it out and start at the airport. No need to distract us from the plot with trivialities like that. Concerning the flight itself, it seems odd that the plane has three engines; to the best of my knowledge, those are rather uncommon these days (and I know it's set in the present because Kelly has an iPod). All in all, though, the chapter is really intense, emotional, and well-written.

Chapter 2:
Nice use of "vitrous." I had to look it up, but once I did, I understood exactly what you meant. I like the way you use your language immediately. By using it literally in conversation without any description or explanation, you put the reader into Kelly's shoes - into her confusion. That's a nice touch. Finally, the life/death concepts have an interesting twist to them. I like the way that certain dreams are truly an alternate reality.

The story continues to be engaging, and I'm looking forward to the next chapters (which is good; too often I just keep reading a story to fulfill some quota of my own).

Chapter 3:
This brings us another interesting prespective, and it does so in a way that drops us into the action instead of making us wait through an intro or buildup. Good writing here.

Chapter 4:
The sentence, "she giggled to herself thinking they looked like white chocolate chips sitting atop the houses" is a PERFECT way to convey exactly how the domes look. I'm not a very visual person when reading, and this helped immensely. You're very descriptive throughout, and you do an excellent job of painting a picture of a village with some serious character.

Chapter 5:
The first major grammar mistake I noticed: when they're looking at the veils, "compliment" should be "complement." I like the way that you show Kelly slowly learning the language. It reminds me of the movie "The Thirteenth Warrior," where the protagonist spends time among the Vikings and learns how to speak their language. Also, it's a very nice touch that the real world continues on even when Kelly's gone from it. It's true, and rather profound: things change, and memories sometimes have to remain as memories. The fact that Kelly can subtly influence the world is also a nice point of detail.


From what I've read so far, it's clear that you've taken a lot of time and effort to craft this fantasy world, complete with its own language. I don't know how complex your language is - if it's simple word substitution or if it has its own rules - but if there are flows in your approach, they don't jump out at all. Your prose is very tight, and the descriptions are substantial without being overwhelming. You convey moods and emotions very well and do so from all sorts of different angles. I'm keeping this on my watchlist to read later, and I'm definitely backing it immediately. Nice work.

You have to be pretty clever to invent a whole new world, race of beings and a language, AND make it both believable and uncomplicated to read - and you've nailed it :-) This sort of thing could so easily be confusing but it's not at all. Such an original idea. Only part that grated on me (and this is a teensy tiny thing) is when she went to the toilet and smiled and made her secret joke about being hairless saving her money and time on waxing and shaving. It just felt a bit soon to be so relaxed about waking up and finding out her whole life was a dream and she's not who she thought she was. but that's only my opinion and it's not a great deal, just jarred when I read it at that point of the story. I was a bit worried about how you would handle the linking when it was first mentioned (I was wondering if it was going to be like the movie avatar or something) but it was unique :-) Everything else is great, I'm in awe of your imagination! Highly rated and will give you some time on my shelf at some stage soon. Tammy.

Dear L.A, (A BHCG review)

Wow -this a truly bewitching tale -you have a mesmerising way with description of scenes and great skill in injecting pace and atmosphere into your plot -to be honest it's difficult to stop reading your story -it's almost hypnotic!
Your imagination is wonderful -and your instincts in including details which linger in the imagination are spot on.

The scenes where she is floating above her funeral and in the new land or sphere are very convincing -and not an easy thing to do! Ironically it seems the more mundane parts of your book in terms of plot seem a little more difficult. I think your start needs some work in terms of polishing and introducing more interesting images that will lead the reader further. A few expressions are a bit cliched and one or two others don't quite fit eg "the trill of butterflies" -trill is a sound I think? (The weight oppressed her legs was another that jarred a little) I think the start needs just a few small details which make us care about the MC or some detail which gives a clue or an metaphorical insight into her character. I must admit my attention was waning a little at the start but then the old woman and her "cobalt blue eyes" (see I remember it!) made me sit up again and read on -and I'm so glad I did because from that point it is a very memorable and mystical journey you take us.

Your writing and your imagination reminds me of Hayao Miyazaki the Japanese animator -(a genius!) who made "Spirited Away" among others- I found myself transported away in the same way as his movies. I'm not sure if others have said this to you but have you thought about changing your MC to a teen and making this a young adults/MG book? I think teens would love this and it might add a greater element of vulnerability to your MC.

I'll be back to read more-congratulations -it's a beautiful thing!

Highly starred and recommended.

Kaal Kaczmarek
Cousin Felicity and the Eels of Misty Point

Hiya

What you have here is original, fresh, and exciting. I love the fact that you made life just a dream, and there is really more after death. This is well written and doesn't have any things to comment about other than the fact that it has a lot of promise. The only thing I would suggest is to maybe explain what the other language is earlier, for the readers, maybe not the character, but at least so we know what is going on a little bit better.

-Shadowchime

I think the opening is good :-) I did think for a second it was a real battle until the phone went off, then I thought she was maybe playing a playstation game or something until the dialgoue started. You describe the plane crash in graphic detail so I can picture it as it happens. Very well written and I look forward to reading more :-)

Thank you so much for your comments :)
I hadn't thought of starting at the airport... hm. Well, I suppose it's possible. It's just that I kinda wanted to start it out by tricking the reader for just a second into thinking it was a real battle scene in a fantasy and then totally being cut off by the cell phone. Does it come across that way or just look dumb?

Also never thought about Portland Maine! It is supposed to be Oregon, but hm. Maybe I should just make it Seattle instead so there isn't any ambiguity. lol

I will have to go back and reread what I have for chapter 4. It's been quite a while since I last read it. I'll definitely keep your advice in mind when I go to edit it.

Thanks a lot!!

This is a really original idea for a story. I love fantasy but I can't write it. I always admire those who can.
I read the first four chapters and found them to be quite good. Your first chapter starts off with a bang; you do an excellent job of describing the plane crash in progress. In the second chapter you introduce Kelly's new (old) life as she awakes from the dream. I like how you introduce a different language...it lends authenticity. In chapter three you introduce the summoner...she comes across to me as not very nice at all!
This is well-edited...I didn't see any typos or grammar issues.
Some thoughts:
I wonder if you might want to cut out the fencing scene entirely, and start when Kelly finds her seat on the plane. It would start off closer to the action, and the information you put in the first scene could be put in here instead.
Portland, Oregon or Portland, Maine? Those reading this in the northeast (like me) would be more likely to think Maine.
Maybe show the interaction between Kelly and Nin when they first meet in the bakery? This is an important event, the meeting of two good friends who haven't seen each other in so long.
Very enjoyable read...definitely something fantasy fans will love.
Best of luck!
Emily

This is a really original idea for a story. I love fantasy but I can't write it. I always admire those who can.
I read the first four chapters and found them to be quite good. Your first chapter starts off with a bang; you do an excellent job of describing the plane crash in progress. In the second chapter you introduce Kelly's new (old) life as she awakes from the dream. I like how you introduce a different language...it lends authenticity. In chapter three you introduce the summoner...she comes across to me as not very nice at all!
This is well-edited...I didn't see any typos or grammar issues.
Some thoughts:
I wonder if you might want to cut out the fencing scene entirely, and start when Kelly finds her seat on the plane. It would start off closer to the action, and the information you put in the first scene could be put in here instead.
Portland, Oregon or Portland, Maine? Those reading this in the northeast (like me) would be more likely to think Maine.
Maybe show the interaction between Kelly and Nin when they first meet in the bakery? This is an important event, the meeting of two good friends who haven't seen each other in so long.
Very enjoyable read...definitely something fantasy fans will love.
Best of luck!
Emily

L.A.
I lay in bed last night unable to sleep thinking about your plane scene. How long does it take a plane to fall from the sky. What does it look like inside as it's happening? Do you lose consciousness before you hit the ground or is it just terror then blackness? I think you did a good job answering these. I hope I forget this passage before I f=get on my next plane? The giant cat, the lavender arms, and the mulch toilet I loved it. Well, not the mulch toilet...ick.

Sorry it took so long for the return read and thank you for your previous support of Haktaw Heart.
Highly starred
Bill Scott

I know what you mean. I wish I had the time to go through everyone's books like that! I'm in the middle of reading the latest George RR Martin book (A Dance with Dragons) right now also. I do like reading books on here, but it's more like work when I have that book calling my name :)

Ch 4

"a great mill worked on the river" this sounds like the mill itself was working on the river.
suggestion: a great mill, powered by men, worked on the river.

"Kelly's house had been a few miles out of town, at the end of a drive that cut through fields of sprouting grain"
suggestion: Kelly's house, which was a few miles out of town, was at the end of a drive that cut through fields of sprouting grain. (I'm assuming by 'drive' you mean driveway)

I really scoured this chapter looking for more but could not find anything else. You have this very well written.
It flows nicely and held my attention. I'll move on to Ch5 in a bit. I'm going to do all your chapters since you were so kind to me. I normally don't since I get a ot of critique requests Everyone has lots of chapters. I'd be here all year..hehehe.

Thanks for your kindness and help :)

T.L.

This opens with an event that is well told and easy to imagine, certainly for anyone who's ever been on a plane. Your description is smooth and not laden with adjectives, making it easy to read and conjure up the required images. There is then a well executed transition to the other/real world of Kelly's and, particularly through the use of a foreign language, the reader then shares her confusion, empathising and so wanting to read on.

Other than a couple of typos and a suggestion to not use numerals in dialogue, there isn't much I can pick at in this. You've a good understanding of what you're doing, so just keep on keeping on.

D M Sharples.

Could use a few more dialogue tags in chap 2 when Laura and Kelly are discussing the dream--feels a bit 'talking head syndrome'

Rargh, not sure why it only lets me see the first chapter. I actually came here to help you with the love scene in chap 8 ;-)

Neat premise. I've worked it into a couple D&D games but not on this level. Seems like you're handling it pretty well in the first chapter though the narrative distance seems kinda choppy with the breakaways for all of her thought-sclamations(!).

Might be a nice idea to put the dream sequence in italics and put a few ***s in the breaks

Might be a nice idea to put the dream sequence in italics and put a few ***s in the breaks

L.A.,
What a ride, first inside Kelly's head as she experiences a plane crash, then in a strange new world into which she's awakened. "The Summoner" is truly unusual based on the premise that life is a dream one eventually wakes up from, reality being in an afterlife. Your descriptives are clear-cut giving the scenes and action in your narrative clean delineation, easy to follow and enjoy. Thank you so much.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

I plan to edit these first 10 chapters again in the coming days or weeks so any suggestions are greatly appreciated. I do not get offended by criticism. I also plan to do a rewrite of the remaining chapters whenever I get the chance. I will post them as they get rewritten. Thanks in advance to those who read and critique!

You do a good job of capturing Kelly's voice from the get-go. This reads smoothly and sounds authentic. Your writing is simple yet paints a vivid picture of events.

I love the foreshadowing on the plane with the old woman. "The same place as you, my child. The same place as you." I could visualize her saying this. Nice touch.

When the plane was being jostled by the storm, I was hooked. I liked the way everything was described, especially as she's watching the reactions of those around her. It paints almost a surreal image.

I love the way you captured the emotion of death at the end of chapter 1. I've actually read a couple of books on authonomy where the main character dies, and so often I find them to be lacking real emotion. But your scene at the end where the family is sitting around talking about Kelly was powerful. Well done.

While I was hooked in the first chapter, the second chapter let me far more curious. There were a lot of questions I wanted answered, which is a good strategy to keep your reader engaged. The fantasy you've developed behind her "afterlife" is intriguing. I love this concept and want to know what is true and what is a dream.

Suggestions: How about "Her arm ached" instead of "Her arm was aching?" Same with "buzzed" instead of "was buzzing." Is "slightly" necessary when she's nodding her head? It doesn't really add any value. Trim unnecessary words where possible. Often times, less is more. Same with "fairly," "brightly," and "finally." As you're building tension cutting the extra words will help keep your pace going (i.e. "The plane began jostling about" could become "The plane jostled." Can you express the feeling of the plane spiraling out of control? I also wonder if she would be as calm as she is? Just a thought. I wonder if "Becoming aware of her consciousness..." should be the beginning of chapter 2? It could be a short chapter. I'd also consider the importance of the opening scene of your book. It doesn't seem to play any real role yet, and there may be a better way to start it.

Typos: Should be: "Hey, no fair! It's my phones fault," she teased. Make sure you correct these with all of your dialogue. Similarly, when you aren't referencing them saying something like in "Kelly sighed and fidgeted with the magazines from the pouch in front of her seat," you need a period instead of a comma. The use of the semi-colon in the sentence, "She loved the sense..." is wrong. In fact, both times you use it are incorrect. A semi-colon must be followed by an independent clause. Should be: "differently" without the hyphen. You have an extra word in, "There was another flash of light on the Kelly's side of the plane."

Despite my nitpicks, I enjoyed this. I think you have a really interesting story to tell and the execution is solid. With a bit of polish, this will be even stronger. Good start!

Hi La Sombra! I've read quite a bit now, so I'll comment.
The first chapter is a good set up to the story. Interesting... I hope Kelly's fencing skills come into use later!
Chapter 2 - Love the 'scary' cat!
I stumbled a bit on this sentence: "It acted [maybe 'seemed' is a better word?] happy to be with her."
I'm intrigued by the new language you made up. It sounds nice when said out loud - I think I'm saying it correctly!
There's lots of well thought out detail within the scenes of this chapter.
"...as she looked down upon [maybe 'at'?] the cat."
Chapter 3 sets up (I'm guessing) the antagonist well.
Chapter 4 - I love all the names. Actually, this chapter reminds me of my chapter seven in Dragons of the Western Tides, with all the different names and the marketplace scene.

There's rather a lot of explaining for the reader to take in. Is there any way you could create a bit more suspense/mystery to keep the reader hooked? The sister not wanting anything to do with Kelly/Khali is intriguing. Maybe you could play it a bit more. And what about the nasty look Kelly received earlier? I liked that bit too! And I like the bits where Kelly keeps returning home and finding things have changed. And I love the way the older the person is, the more glittery they are. There's lots of bits I like!!
Best wishes with this,
Becky

Well, I finished all you uploaded. Can't say I was very happy at the end of chapter nine, but I had the feeling that all would not bode well. In chapter ten you've really set the scene for the journey to come. I like these kind of stories.
Guess I was wrong about the sister. She is indeed an interesting character.
If you upload anymore, let me know, I'd be happy to read on.
Thanks for an entertaining read,
Cheers Jacoba. I don't star anymore, but will add this to my watchlist and give it some shelf time in the coming months.

Hi,
I have just read the first four chapters and thought I'd stop to comment. I intend to read the rest as I am enjoying your story very much.
The first chapter was such a strong hook with the vivid descriptions of the plane crash and Laura's presence. I liked the line, "I'm going to the same place as you are." Eerie!!
The next couple of chapters when Kelly finds herself as a different species in a fantasy world was well portrayed. I love the cat. He's a great character. It was really sad seeing her family and friends at her funeral.
The chapter with the summoner, sets the tone for what is to come. I wonder if its her sister.
All in all you have written a nice fantasy here. I sometimes find this genre to be heavy with descriptions and weird names and plots, but I think you have a good balance and this should appeal to a wide audience.
It is well polished, and I only noticed the occasional edit. A capital after a comma in dialogue and a missing word in the second chapter. Nothing much at all.
I will continue to read on, and add to my comments when I'm finished.
Great, so far,
Cheers Jacoba

This is an interesting premise for a book. I read the first two chapters and really enjoyed them. I sense space between the protagonist and the author but since you have written in third person that justifies the space. I personally think this would be better written in first person. Just my personal preference (ignore if you don't agree) I said this because I think this could be a highly emotional story with a lot of feelings easily expressed in first person. Backed with pleasure. Lisa

This is so different and fresh! I think it is a lovely read!
Barbara

SUMMONER
This is an interesting story. Almost everyone wonders at some time what will happen when they die; this book sheds a whole new light on what dying means. I found the new language confusing but at the same time I liked it because it conveyed the confusion a person would feel waking up and hearing people around them speaking an unknown language. This is a good read. I’m adding it to my shelf. If you have a moment, would you look at mine (Grain of Salt)? I’m in 8th place but only holding on by my teeth. Burgio

brilliant concept, a twist on what is reality, the writing is sharp, the imagery detailed and I liked the way you know death is coming in an almsot matter of fact way. Well done.

BACKING you. I can use your comments on my book if you can spare the time. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

You really shouldn't give up on this, it's a worthwhile effort, and you clearly put a lot of work into it.

I like your depiction of the plane crash, and her introduction to her afterlife , or return to her previous life, whatever it is. Your writing fairly sings. It's light of tone and well well polished.

Just signing on every few days to recycle the manuscript is enough to keep it moving forward. That and returning backings got me to 150 or so. After that it's work. I'm going to stick it on my shelf to give you some encouragement.

Wonderful opening - the pitch lets you know her death is coming, but the opening scenes carry on a sense of normalcy - created a nice tension for me. Bravo!

John Wickey
Future's End

i really enjoyed your writing. from the very beginning i just wanted to keep reading. It was beatifully written and i wish you luck.

JAde
Don't speak

I can't disagree with the 'Lovely Bones' likeness and that's obviously a huge compliment to your writing.

Backed with Pleasure.

Bob (Auctoratus)

I finally had the chance to sit and read some of your book. Very interesting and, I think, well written. I enjoyed C1, 2 and 6. Could find nothing to criticize. I believe in other words and so this was fascinating to me. Gordon Kuhn

I finally had some time to sit and read your book - I enjoyed it. I read chapter 1 and chapter 6.

The opening scene with fencing is far from cliche, and offers great insight to your characters tastes and actions. I did find the cellphone ringing a bit weak -- perhaps less engaging then an honest end to the match? And rather than biting her lip I was expecting something more dramatic like sweat or a grunt....biting her lip just seemed very passive to me in counter point to the fast action you wished to depict.

The first sentence in chapter 6 -- now there is a great visual moment. Nice punch - very unique. I was able to understand this chapter even reading out of context. That's a nice testiment to your plotting abilities. Nice sharp and engaging dialogue.

On my rotating shelf -- best of luck to you.

This is really strong writing. Even from the very start, there's something about it that makes you want to read on - just the right amount of a spark of mystery to tease that something big is about to happen. And it does happen. This is a really good book with an easily accessible style. Definitely backed!

-Jenny-

I really enjoyed reading this and trying to question / second guess what was going on. from the plane crash to observing her own funeral and then staying with Kelly as she 'awoke' I was always intrigued to know what was happening. The conversation with Laura in chapter 2 was well written and answered some questions, but raised a lot more! Very imaginative and creative!
Kendall Craig, The Halo (of Delight)

Just thought I'd repost the first ten edited chapters of my book here. Thanks to all who have/will read it :)

I loved this. There’s something of The Lovely Bones about it, but it’s a very different story of course, with the emphasis on the place Kelly’s gone to, not the one she’s left behind. The description of her death in chapter one works very well, and we’re expecting it from the pitch and from her strange meeting with Laura.

Chapter 2 introduces us to the odd and original idea that Kelly’s been dreaming: that nothing of her earthly life was real. And now she’s got to learn a new language. This is so different that I have no idea how it’ll turn out: whether Laura’s benign or whether she’s malevolent, or what’s actually happened to Kelly. And that can only be a good thing. Well done.

Only two typos I could see, both in Chapter 1: “knarled hand” should be “gnarled hand”.
“Forced herself to breath waiting for plane to land” should be “forced herself to breath[e] waiting for [the] plane to land”.

You ought to be congratulated for putting something so different on Authonomy. Bookshelved.

LaSombra,

I really like this... I'm just skimming things right now, but this is very well written! I'm coming back to read more. You are definitely on my watchlist!!!

Me likey!

Claudia

I really enjoyed this book so far. It can seem a little confusing at times, when she's going in between the dream state, but I'm sure that will be cleared up later on and makes me left wanting to read more :-) Great work, I like the voice you use and the flow is very smooth. I would love it if you could take a look at my story.
-Rachel

Hi L.A. The Summoner is a fascinating story. Which is real, the dream world, or the world Kelly awakes to? Hmmm, an interesting story premise. I liked the way Kelly discovered her appearance when she awoke. The similarities to our world and the conveniences (toilet, clothing, etc.) were interesting. You write with a very captivating style. I like your voice in this. I must say it pulled me in and made me want to read further than I normally read. I only saw a couple of things (since I was more interested in the story than your grammar). I tell most everyone this, but you should use four dots when the ellipsis comes at the end of a sentence, even if it's in quotes. Also, I saw one usage of "further" when you meant physical distance and should've used "farther". Minor quibbles, but an editor will notice. Overall, this is an enlightening tale and I'm happy to shelve it.

Randy
(Buttermilk Moon)

Simply said a very enjoyable fantasy to read. The story started off interesting as I learned about the new world Kelly inhabits, and then becomes more and more exciting from chapter to chapter.

Chapter 1

I love how this opens with Kelly and Rob fencing. The banter feels fun. And the fact that she likes to people watch is great! I’m intrigued that she somehow recognizes the woman at the gate. And I wonder what role she’ll play…. So that being said, WONDERFUL HOOK THERE! Laura creeps me out a bit. With the my child stuff being the main thing that would send shivers and the creep meter on me going into over drive. I wonder what’s going on with Laura. Hmmmm….. I must read on. I too have always been amazed by thunder cloud when I’m in a plane. Also terrified of turbulance. MISSING AN ENGINE? Not to worry? Right. If I were Kelly at this moment I’d freak out! WOW! When Laura says our journey begins here I got chills. I read on… WOW. She’s dead. I am so wondering where this is going. This is great. I love this. I really do.


Chapter 2

Chapter 2 feels like Alice going down the rabbit hole. Kelly is disoriented and confused and you convey all that really nicely. I feel like I’m discovering this with her. I wonder what this strange language is. What does it all mean? This is really sucking me in. And that, my dear, is a big compliment. When Laura tells her she’s not human, I’m so wondering what will happen next. What is she if not human? I read on…The park about being linked about the dream life. Wonderfully done. I don’t know how to describe it. I am just really liking this and how if she goes back she’d be an apparition to her loved ones. I can completely imagine what Kelly is feeling. Seeing her parents again was something Kelly thinks is going to be soothing but Laura is right, it’s too painful. I really love this. I can’t say it enough.


Shelving. And will read more for sure.

Rachel May
Going Twice

Hi L.A., I think this story has a lot of promise and it's obvious that you write well. I'm certainly going to give it a bit of time on my shelf.
I think the start of a story is so very important, and I believe that you've got too many scenes in Chapter One. They're all fine on their own right, but together, I found them a bit distracting.
I think the story starts on the plane, and if you fleshed that out just a bit, built on the terror, and on get Kelly to react more, you would have a cracking start.
As an example, the third paragraph from the end of Ch 1, you tell about Kelly trying frantically to get peoples' attention; animate that, tell us what she did and then follow it with the dialogue.
I think as a writer when you see your book as scene after scene, it helps you to empower the story with a more compelling pace. Then try to set some kind of hook at the end of each scene. Keeep at it, this could be good, very good.
Michael

Wow! This is a really cool premise. You have a very readable style. This has been shelved. Thanks for the entertaining read and thanks for your support of Unleashing Your Inner Sex Demon.

Arianna

Your writing is very fluid and easy to follow and the subject is interesting. I liked the way you described the air crash and Kelly's disorientation. Shelved and well done. Eric

I read the first two chapters again, and they are tighter and pacier; I still think they could be better, but I know from my own experience that first books are the ones you learn to write on, and it's hugely difficult to perfect them. One does not want to admit it, but it'll be your next book or the one after you'll get published (with a bit of luck!)

But this is now a good read, so I'll back it. (I like the big cat.)

L,

Would you care to do a book swap; we read each others, comment and perhaps back.

Mine is 'Standalone farm' if you care to comply.

Paul Samuel

well i won't be revising my decision to avoid air travel any time soon! what a brilliant opening. the reactions of kelly to her death and thereafter seem entirely probable.i have to read a bit more before signing off.

chapter 2 i found quite chilling, to be estranged from both lives sounds like my idea of a nightmare and yet it speaks to the yearning in each of us for some previous condition we cannot quite remember _ infanthood? previous incarnations?

anyway as soon as i have room it can have a spell on my shelf (probably later tonight). well done LA, this is extremely original.

maitreyi
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