Motive Irrelevant

This reads very well, lots of action and a sense that the author knows what they are talking about. I must admit that I agree with the earlier comment that it may be worth explaining why they didn't just call in an airstrike (lack of air superiority? Or a black-ops mission before the war was officially declared?) but it's only a minor thing.
I'd certainly read on if I had more time as it's both exciting and brutal. Good stuff.
James

Okay, finally got around to reading some of this. I haven't gotten very far, but eventually caved in to my lack of knowledge and googled SAS. I'm guessing it's the second definition I found, "Special Air Service"? I had never heard of the term but go figure, I'm in America. Anyway, might do some good to throw in what the 'SAS' is, for those non-Europian readers out there who don't have google skills.

Anyway, this is pretty good. Actiony from the start. lol at how the helicopter pilot tries to make his passengers sick. (Excuse my chat-speak there.)

Hi there

The golden rule of this genre is excitement and your story has this in spades. I lost count of all the murders by the end of chapter 2 but special forces in a battle and it's inevitable there is going to be blood.

You also know what you're talking about so you have done your homework and read a lot of this genre. So excitement is good, pace, excellent, as it should be with such an explosive start.

How you could make it stronger is first a potential plot hole. Near the end of chapter 1 and forgive me if I am being ignorant I asked myself 'Why didn't they just do an air strike?' To stop laypeople like me asking that I would consider including a short explanation why Zulu five had to make it more hand to hand which would bury that quite nicely.

On a general note there are a few errors with punctuation such as the same paragraph for conversation. At the beginning of chapter 2 you use chard rather than shard, a quick edit will sort that out.

On a final note you do a lot of showing but then you tell the reader when sometimes it is not necessary because you have already shown so well. Some sentences you could take out and let the action flow even more.

Five stars for the action and being true to the genre.

Maria

Loving the storyline but needs some heavy editing. Check out Alan Guthrie's "Hunting down the pleonasms." I'm in a heavy edit myself and it's helped a lot.

Hi RB,

Your title alone is inviting especially since the reader immediately finds themselves in the middle of combat! Your pace is good and your descriptive narratives are rich," Enormous sand dunes /beige colored oceans" help set the mood. The combat action feels accurate and real especially with dialogue that questions "What's the worse that could happen...you die...then... nothing's left to fear" Reading on in chapter 6 we are introduced to the bomber, which adds to your pitch "what does it take for one man to kill another" I cant wait to find out how the Motive Irrelevant comes about. Clear, concise and suspenseful writing....You have a winner....High stars from me and hope to have room on shelf soon Nice job!
Mary ann Payne

Excellant beginning with a great cliffhanger to end the chapter, check spelling, burgen not burgon. For Wanttobeawriter SAS is the special air service, nothing like the CIA more like Delta Force which are based around SAS tactics. Highly starred and worth backing all the way.

MOTIVE IRRELEVANT
This is a story with a dramatic beginning: the systematic and unfeeling killing of guards and soldiers. Made me keep reading to find out more about who were these men and was a motive important enough to work at this kind of job (altho I guess the title of the book pretty well explains that). I was presently surprised as I read on to find out your main characters are a lot more human and likable than I anticipated they would be; you’ve done a good job fleshing them out to be more than killing machines. A small thing: I don’t know what is the SAS. (I’m assuming that’s a UK name for a sort of CIA but maybe you could slip in the full name for foreigners like me?) Either way, this is a good read. Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Very intrigueing pitch. The rhetorical questionsas well as entices to the novel also raises awareness.
Further expalantion in the pitches crealy indicate the subject.
The cover is absolutely subject oriented.
Then the 1st chapter is very well wrttien with well explains the sceanrio.
This is a big novel to be honest and i will have to comment after reading more next time.

Hi RB i will read your book when i get the time like you work takes a lot of my my time. yours Phil.

love the sas books and hear good things about this from a friend so decided to get some night reading in.

RB,

Wow, this was intense! The action was wonderful and easily imaginable. Thank you for writing with the civilian in mind hardly any acronyms at all. I have read war stories where it seemed the writer had to show off their expert military knowledge with all kinds of gobbledygook that didn’t make a bit of sense to me.

You make me believe you’ve been there and if you have. Thank you. I felt like I was following right behind the soldiers as an observer to the whole gory scene. It was like watching the action unfold on a movie screen.

You did a great job showing the camaraderie of the five, but I was amazed at how trained they were to accept death when Cap died.

Your writing is very clean and it felt like it got smoother the farther I read. At the beginning there were a couple sentences that were not complete, but they didn’t trip me up - “The whole area bathed in moonlight, giving a surreal, panoramic view.”

I have no doubt that the rest of your story is as exciting and clearly drawn as the first two chapters that I read. Six stars!

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

Your writing is crisp, clear, and fast moving; exactly right for this kind of action story. I am rating it six stars and backing it. Well done! jack hudson

Greetings RB

I will start by saying I don't know this genre very well. The action flowed well enough and you have a pacy start which is vital but I felt it seemed to leap from scene to scene too quickly, but I have to reiterate I do not know this genre so please take it with a pinch of salt.

Onto the writing. I would advise you limit POV. I read it beginning with the helicopter pilot then the captain. It might have read better with the captain understanding what the pilot was up to (if I read it correctly, if not sorry). Not sure what the murdered guard thinking about the end of his shift brought to the story, but it did give a human slant I suppose.

Punctuation needs work, especially the speech where you end paragraphs with a comma which confused me a little. I would also advise you don't use speech marks for thought (although Dostoyevsky did and it never did him any harm).

Take this in the spirit it is intended, a decent edit and you will be laughing, (but at the risk of being boring it is not my genre).

Good luck.

Maria

I read the first chapter of your book, i liked it very much and all the action was good.
well written and worth a read.
4 star rating
Ellen Michelle

Hi RB,

I read the first few chapters of your book and enjoyed the action! I agree with Stephen that some attention to realism might improve the way in which the message is conveyed and provide more clout to the story you are telling. I think with some revision this will become an excellent action book.

Regards,

Jaco Prinsloo
Factual Faith - Belief Founded on Truth

I love the drama and pace in Motive Irrelevant - great title too, by the way. I agree with earlier comments, that the chapters have an authentic feel, as if you have insider knowledge, although perhaps it's down to writing skill and vivid imagination!
I thoroughly enjoyed reading the first few chapters and I am definitely intrigued enough to revisit when I have more time.
Melissa,
Lessons in the Dark

A similiar-ish genre as mine!
A couple of things in the first chapter; when writing thoughts I don't use inverted commas, I think it is better to use ordinary speech or if it is critical to the plot or theme/direction, I use italics.
Also, you use the word 'bugger' twice in quick succession, maybe another word could fit and open the diction a bit? You also wrote 'as they gained a sound footing, they formed a circle around the craft'. Firstly, they wouldn't do that, they would span out and cover towards the direction of the threat, which the pilot would have already communicated to the commander, and would never land somewhere where the threat was all around; when a helicopter is approaching, THEN they would form all round defence. Aside from that, they cannot form a circle as they are in the process of gaining a sound footing. Perhaps it should be 'after' gaining a sound footing?
Burgons are 'Bergens'.
The first kill should include severing the carotid artery, as severing the windpipe is not fatal in itself.
The head shots on the Iraqi soldiers would not produce a spurt of blood forward, it would instead emit a large exit wound which would bleed profusely from the back of the head with the cerebellum gushing out red forthy blood.
Also, a falling rifle, even on concrete would not release a round from the barrel, providing of course the Iraqi had cocked his rifle and 'made ready' in the first place. It would not be normal for this to have been done, and the trigger would have to have been pulled to release the firing pin into the base of the round. As they are on sand, it is nigh impossible for this to have happened with a weapon merely falling.
Chapter 2, 'We haven't got much longer left' said Bridgeman into his throat mike, 'before the other scuds go off'. A bit out of kilter. Why not,'We don't have much time before the other scuds go off' said Bridgeman through his throat mike, his voice calm, betraying the feeling of dread that had crept into his stomach.?
Also, the orders given that he wants the first twenty or thirty to be decimated wouldn't happen. Instead, any commander will give a fire order, specifying which weapons, and either a full, brief, individual or delayed order. A full order would be range, what sort of fire etc. in this case, as the Iraqis are emerging it would be a brief order with grenades to the front, Fire!, and the gun group to fire short bursts to deter their advance.
The retreat would not be done in the manner described also; it would be a pepper pot retreat, as one pair would dash whilst the other pair put down covering fire.
(Sorry if this sounds over critical, but I am an ex soldier who has been there, and just trying to help bring it into reality)
'Stan' would never be left on his own. At the very least you always work in pairs and usually in threes.
End of chapter, never use the word 'contact' or 'contacted' in a scenario of engagement, as it means precisely that. Soldiers will never curse or swear over the radio or they will get disciplined by the ops room/officer.
Your scene is good, exciting, and action packed. You just need to tighten up the dialogue, as some of it is a bit unrealistic. When he has radioed HQ and brought the 'evac site' closer, this is never the case. The commander will radio the helicopter call sign and bring the 'FRV', (final Rendez-vous) closer. That would be the correct terminology.
I hope this helps, it probably would 'pass muster' to civvies, but anyone who has served would dismiss the opening chapters due to the unmilitary like descriptions and dialogues.
If you need any help with the rest of it, let me know and I will be willing to help in any way I can.
All the best

Stephen

Super content. I want to read more. You have some Tom Clancy - like features; good imagery, sudden but logical transitions, and balance between dialogue and commentary. I do hope that you have an editor working with you as I think that your work would be even better. Some of the military dialect is a little forced. Just a thought. I am putting this on my shelf. Best wishes.

An amusing, descriptive and well written book. Your writing style is very impressive, dialogue are realistic with vivid charachters and narrative is at great pace. Highly rated and added to my bookshelf too.

Wow. This is impressive stuff. It feels like we are in safe hands and you really know what you are talking about. Well done.
This is probably not at all what I would usually read, but I liked it. It's pacy, action-packed and funny.
I'm guessing this is probably a boy's book!!! There's not an awful lot of emotional content, but that's fine and works within the style of the book. It feels a little cartoon-like or film-like, but again, I quite like that quality here, it works.
You handle all the logistical descriptions well - the who moved where and why - which is tricky to do. But I can imagine it all clearly yet you've explained it concisely.
Very impressed particularly by what would appear to be insider knowledge, or good research, or both!! Not sure I want to know... quite like thinking of you as some SAS-guy-turned-author!!

I think the only constructive crit I can give is on your pitches. I had similar issues with mine and someone very kindly pointed them out, so I'm paying forward the favour. It really does make a difference. Mine aren't perfect yet, but they're better than they were and it's worth spending time on it. It's the first impression that anyone gets of your work.

The short pitch should be your big hook...the first sentence of yours is fine, but then you switch from enticing to explaining with the "plenty of action..." bit. Better to keep it all as a hook, don't explain or describe too much. It's like flirting, there should be a little information filled with an indefinable promise of something wonderful! The same applies to your long pitch. There are too many questions here, it feels like we're being interrogated. Also there's a lot of focus on moral dilemma, and I would guess that the appeal of your book is the action/thriller element, so focus on that instead and again don't describe what's in the book, flirt with your readers, give them a little titbit but don't summarise!
6 stars from me!!
Hope that helps,
all the best,
Sharda.
P.S. We were doing a reading swap, so when you get a moment, please take a look at mine. No pressure.
http://www.authonomy.com/books/42835/mr-unusually-s-circus-of-dreams/

You asked me to take a look a your book, and I have.
I have only had time to read to Chapter 3 but I have thoroughly enjoyed what I have read so far. I loved the vivid and dramatic narrative, especially in the opening chapter. Albeit some of the descriptions are very bloodthirsty , and the sheer goriness made me shudder, I felt as though I was there with them. Great storytelling!
I have put this on my WL and will definitely be reading more of it when I find the time.
I did notice some room for improvement in formatting and punctuation, but I am sure you are now aware of these small imperfections.

You requested me to read your book and I have agreed because it sounds interesting. I also take this as a very serious privilege so I also document things that stands out to me that could use improvement; I hope the following gives you insight as I think you have started with a good storyline but it needs to be polished. I stopped reading after chapter two. Even though you have a great storyline it would be good if you went through it and give it a good polishing. At times you have too many descriptive words making the reader's mind work at visualizing the scene and in a couple of sentences there was a word missing. 

Chapter One:
           Should be: agitated instead of agitating

          Could you define what SAS is upfront?
  
           Should be realize not realise

          Paragraphs that run together instead if being started on the next line.

           Point of view shifts needs to be corrected. 

         Same word/phrase usage is too close together. Examples: phrase: At times like that 
Word: just

Chapter Two

     You start out with a stray bullet....from whom? Weren't all the guards successfully taken out? 


Sincerely,
K Meador
Journey to Freedom/The Chamber

I've given you six stars. I read a few chapters and I can tell already that you are a very good writer with a lot of talent, you know how to create great characters and vivid descriptions. All in all I think you have a very entertaining book here.

Roy Earle

Motive Irrelevant. You dont need those introductory words in your short pitch, which could lure the reader in with a hint of the story line. The long pitch starts well with the first question, but dont overdo it! If you can introduce a touch of urgency and emotion into your characters, all the better. As it stands, the pitch seems just to state the bare facts of the story.
I take notes as I read, but dont pretend to be an expert. I tend to notice nits - hope you dont mind.

Ch.1. The pilot's humour and skill come across well from the beginning, and I am transported by blacked-out helicopter low across the desert. And you change viewpoint to Bridgeman in seamless fashion.
That word 'just' appears a few times - it could well be deleted.
A graphic account of the killing - but wouldnt it read better if you deleted some of the words - i.e. '... drenching the sand in fron of the (now) dead guard. His (lifeless) body was (gently) eased to the ground...'
A gripping, action-packed chapter.

Ch.2. And a blood-thirsty start to this one. You certainly know how to describe a dramatic scene.

For some reason, it wont let me click onto the next chapter - but I've read enough to know you have a promising story, which should appeal to your chosen readership. You need to do some editing, but we all have to do that!

Jane (Breath of Africa)

I found your story very interesting and entertaining. You are certainly a great writer with a lot of talent. I liked your characters, your descriptions were perfect, and I rate you high. Lacy

Thanks, RB, for your encouraging message. I've just read the first chapter of Motive Irrelevant. Its clear, suspenseful and, with the gunshot at the end, magnetic. (I endorse Sully's comments, though.) Let's continue with each other's MSs and report soon. --Bll

Just finished Chap 1. Great start RB. Straight into the action. I was right there in the desert with the guys so you've done a good job . But that compliment leads me to a couple of small but important criticisms.
'...the sound from the rotors getting less the further away it travelled' is stating the obvious. How about, ...'the sound of the rotors disappearing into the night.'
And, 'His lifeless body was eased to the ground by Smelton to minimise any sound.' Again the reader is ahead of you and will realise that Smelton needs to be as quiet as possible. So by stating the obvious you insult the reader's intelligence and underestimate your ability to create a credible and gripping scene. You've sucked us into your world of intrigue - we're there. So,you don't have to spell it out in capital letters. Less is more. I think simply: 'Smelton then eased the lifeless body to the ground.'
These seemingly unimportant points are vital to maintain the reader's interest and flow of your work.
But gripping stuff! I'm lokking forward to reading on.
Hope you enjoy Reasonable Force.
Best, Sully.

This is a bloody good read. Not my sort of stuff at all, I’m far too squeemish. I’m stopping now after Snetterton’s got that piece of scaffolding stuck through his back and the two coppers are armless and legless. This is a rattling good tale, and you have a great gift with words. The dialogue is convincing and funny, and you have a knack for exploiting the humour in unlikely situations; the demonic old ladies in the tube, the demonic alarm clock, the demonic nutter on the telephone and the secretary’s disappearing cache of Milk Tray.
Bit of a great idea calling the detective inspector Dante.
For anyone with a strong stomach this is highly recommended. I’m going to carry on with it, sick bag at the ready, and I’ll maybe post another comment later. I want to know what happened to the poor bugger back in Iraq with the back of his head sliced off. I have a feeling he’s not as dead as he ought to be.
Six stars and on my watchlist.
Cheers
Jane

Hi, nice little opener. I'll leave the editing to the editors. From a readers perspective, this makes me want to read more, so job done in that respect. Good detail about the unit and desert. Even without the synopsis you just know that there's going to be a little ripper of a story in this book. I'll deffo be coming back for more. Keep reminding me to do so RB as sometimes I get snowed under.
Good work! High stars. Will give books on my shelf a fair go and then yours will move on to it-fair enough?
All the best
Nick
Ghost Estate

BOREDwith doing SNAP REVIEWS of vampire novels.

This week I plan to re-review.
Update my comments in light of immense improvements.
In return I need comments on later new chapters of The Free

So if I´ve commented on your book and you fancy an update.
I commented on this 102 days ago

Good idea?.....................All the best.................Mikey

The reactions and motions of your characters are very real. Like the beginning scene with the alarm clock. Who hasn't tried to turn it off and accidentally knocked it to the floor at least once?
Also, lots of great diologue lines.

There are just a few editing things you may want to look at. Things like extra commas (which I tend to find myself doing a lot) and your punctuation (like periods and quotation marks)
ie: Chapter 2
"You can ask". said the caller, but I'm not going to give it to you" .

Best of luck. :)
-Amber

I found a lot of humour in your writing - especially the part about wind! As an owner of a Mont Blanc can't say I'd play drums with it!

There is a good snappy pace that leads me on to wanting to read some more - I can imagine this as a good TV script.

In Chapter one I think the old ladies could be revoiced - the thoughts you give them sound too male and too young to my mind. Bit of a page turner RB

RB,
A great opener here. Excellent writing and damn interesting. Love the commuting part. I'm on the train every day in and out of Manhattan, so I know the feeling (even though Toby's in London.) This is a solid, intriguing story.
Backed.
Mark

Toby has obviously been driven mad by the commute and can't say I blame him. Some good stuff - first class prices for third class service.

There us a little bit of overwriting - eg you don't need - 'in a sarcastic manner,' the dialogue says it all. I'd also delte the last line in Ch1, just end with Toby's thoughts.

But it's a good build up of tension. Going on my shelf.

Peter.

Great opening, with the buzzing in his head turning out to be the alarm clock. You write the whole wake-up-with-a-hangover sequence very well, and have a keen eye for detail. I could have done without the going to the bathroom in the sink bit, but that may just be me. Overall, your obvious power of observation pays off here in spades, as well as on the train ride, where he is tapping his hands to the annoyance of his fellow passenger.

One suggestion: Get rid of that that last line in the author's voice" "Oh yes it is Toby. It is going to be one of those days, but not in the way you think." First of all, you, as the author, have not spoken directly to the reader in this way anywhere else in the chapter, so it is a bit jarring. Second, it is always better to show and not tell. My suggestion: Just leave off that line and have the chapter end with his thought, "Oh Christ, don't tell me it's going to be one of those days." The reader will read that as a foreshadowing of things to come. You don't need to say it again.

But that is a quibble. Overall, I liked the book very much and will come back to read more. In the meantime, shelved.

RB Ray, you have a good premise, but your pitch needs work (says she, who can't write a pitch to save her life.) However, theoretically speaking, here's the formula: Who is your MC? What does he want? What obstacles does he encounter? And a hint at the resolution.

I agree with others who've said that the opening is humdrum, but thereafter, things do pick up. I also agree that you need to edit this well before it makes it to the Editor's Desk. Reason? You want the editor to see your story, not the defects. A great book, some writers call it their Bible, is Self-Editing for Fiction Writers by Renni Browne and Dave King. Get your butt down to the library or buy your own copy (you'll re-read it from time to time, I promise.)

All that said, I'm shelving you anyway because of the premise and your innate storytelling ability.

Cheers,
Sheryl (comment on mine, please...backing optional)

Good thriller and you plug the humour in all the right places and at the right dose. I like the setting and your writing is clear and simple, something essential to tell a story that gets more complex as it proceeds. For this kind of story I would suggest speeding up the narrative by cutting down on words and maybe skipping directly to the train scene in the opening as a lot of the information you have in the wake up scene could be included there are well.

Wish you the best of it, it's on my shelf.

Only read a few chapters at the moment, but I'm liking what I'm seeing. This is interesting without revealing too much. There is one little problem- and I think it may be the way Authonomy is formatting in text- and that is that when the caller is talking to Commander Jameson. Although the speaker changes, the speech is on the same line, which I found slightly confusing.

I think pretty much everything I want to say has been covered in previous comments to be honest.

There is a lot of potential here, but the whole thing needs tightening up and weeding. It is your first novel, and perhaps you haven't given yourself breathing time, which is something I highly recommend. Leave this now for a couple of months. Completely ignore it, do something else, anything at all, and then come back to it with the intent of editing and polishing. A bit of distance can do wonders.

Hello RB,

You have a great story here written on a fascinating premise. You developed the characters well ad did a wonderful job at descriptions. You are the master in unfolding the plot in steps that draws the reader deeper and deeper into the story. Toby , especially is well developed. The setting is colourful and the narrative did its job.

However, tightening the story a little, especially in the first chapter will help. And ensuring that the details are perfect will make it even better.

Overall, this is a compelling story that given an extra polish will make it sparkle.

All the best.

Janvier (FLASH OF THE SUN)

May just be me, but I found the beginning to be a bit cliche. Wake up from drinking, knock the phone over, don't want to go to work. Seen it too much before. Perhaps change the beginning up to make it less predictable?

And maybe say a little something about your protag in the pitch. What does he have to gain/lose from the events unfolding?

Just my thoughts. Don't stone me!!!

RB, thanks for clarifying my query re angular momentum/blood spatter. You say you were out of class the day they did geography... I must have missed crime writing school the day they did ballistics! ;-)

I read the last few chapters after I left my comment and I do have one more thing to point out. You have a spectacular showpiece scene wherein the London Eye is blown up and utterly destroyed. An explosion/demolition on that scale would be seen and heard all over London... yet NO-ONE in the police or the SAS remarks on it or even seems to notice. Now I could understand if it had been the Dome, but... :-)

I've put MOTIVE IRRELEVANT on my watchlist. I'd tighten the screws of the plot, perhaps describing a bombing in the first chapter. Pacing is tricky -- too little description and it reads like a poorly-disguised screenplay; too much and our attention wanders. The Critique Circle website has been suggested to me as a place to get stylistic feedback.

Best wishes, Tom Sigafoos (CODE BLUE)

I spent most of last evening reading 'Motive Irrelevant'. You have that storyteller's knack of making your readers want to know what happens next. It made me keep turning the pages (...all right, then, it made me keep clicking 'next chapter'). Reminded me a lot of James Follett (no, not Ken Follett, James Follett!). You keep things going at a blistering pace but never lose control of what's going on.

Your premise is ingenious and you definitely capture the terror and confusion of what is going on. The flashback sequence in Iraq was exceptionally well done - makes me think that perhaps you have first-hand experience...?

A few quibbles... Your characters are, frankly, wooden - although that isn't necessarily an impediment with this kind of tale. Just work on the dialogue and tighten up your sentences a bit, and the action will carry the story through.

Some of the gore I found a bit unconvincing: for example with the Iraqi soldiers that get shot in the head, wouldn't the laws of momentum cause their blood to travel in the same direction as the bullets rather than spurt out frontwards?

One or two other minor things: London Bridge is only a few hundred yards from Tower Bridge, not a few miles as Sharon's teacher says. And I think you have a continuity error wherein Caplan identifies himself to his torturer as a Private, but is later addressed by his captors as Sergeant.

But all in all, RB, good work and definitely worth a turn on my Shelf.

Cheers,
Rob
(aka Ian Mayfield 'Team Spirit')

Bloody brilliant. I don't normally go for this sort of fiction, but I started reading & am now just starting chapter 22 - So I guess you could say you've acheived the first hurdle - hooking your reader and making them want to carry on reading.
There's a nice sense of place & people, I could see it in my head as it were. There are a few grammar bits and bobs that need re edited, speach marks in the wrong places, random capital letters and lack of them where they should be. However an decent edit I'm sure will sort that. I really need to get on now but I will return to it.
Shelved.

Well, I enjoyed this.
As an unpublished writer, I can only give a few amateur comments.

First of all you must absolutely drop the last sentence of chapter 1. This kind of sentence of a prescient nature turns readers and edotors for that matter, off. It means you are talking to the reader. You can get away with it in a first person story to a limitad degree but in this POV it has to go!

You do the same thing in para 5 of chapter 2.

Start dialogue on a new line for each speaker.

Don't use passive voice.

Buy 'Self-editing for Fiction writers' by Denni Browne and Dave King available from Amazon. It's a gem.

I can hear you say 'winge winge winge'.
Dead right.

The story is a very good one.
The writing, apart from some editing stuff, is extremely good, and, if it is paragraphed correctly, the dialogue is plausible and furthers the story well.

The over all pace is just right and although maybe the train journey is a tad long, it never ceases in its 'narrative trajectory'.

This is a really good book and will be even better with editing.
Shelved because I enjoyed reading it!

Best,
Fred

What a story...and the ending! When will book 2 be posted? The entire story had me hooked, each event building on the next so I couldn't stop reading. One area I saw needing some work was the first paragraph in ch. 4. It's hard to tell who "he" is after the first sentence where you've mentioned 2 different characters. Will be on my shelf soon.

Okay....My first whine is over causing your protagonist to be less than stalwart and admirable. Farting and pissing in the sink doesn't do it for my heroes.
The part about the door being left unlocked is unduly long, I think.
I like the flavor of the guy's attitude--it adds personality to the story. He's a rapscallion, for sure, but I'm waiting to see if he's loveable or not. If not, then you're going to have to change him just for me.
Meanwhile, I adore the Brit spice, and can forgive a lot of the bravado and irreverence for the status quo. Knowing this guy is headed for a dismissal, it's rather endearing.
I'll follow up asap.

Hi RB,

Great opening line; it drew me in right away.

Great characterization; Toby is wonderful. I loved the tension in chap. 2. The paragraphs are a little long but it still kept me glued.

Chap.4 “Sorry(,) son,” he said. Don’t forget the comma with direct address.

This was a wonderful read and full of energy. You write very well.

Shelved!

Shinzy :)

The fumble with the alarm is great -- will get a lot of reader empathy.
Funny, breaking wind with every step he took.
Smart foreshadow with the door he thought he'd locked few weeks prior.
Like the good humored breezy style. Toby is a delightful character.
As an American, I didn't know that Lambeth Palace was the residence of the Archbishop of Canterbury. Maybe consider defining it for us ignoramuses?
Nice intro to both Sally and Toby. This looks to be a suspenseful yarn with a lovely touch of humor. Shelved.