Finding Passion: Confessions of a Fifty-Year Old Runaway

This is a very amusing book, and your pitch gives us a good idea of what to expect. Christi is very much an individual. You have given her a voice which makes her both real and easy to relate to straightaway. Her thoughts, which she is both writing and recording, are consistently funny, and she tells us so much about herself, not just in what she says, but in how she says it and in the attitudes she reveals, that we feel we know her inside out. You manage to convince us that an almost fifty housewife who has never done anything unusual in her life would go off with a man she meets on a plane, in spite of her paranoia about White Slavery, and you do this by what you have revealed about her personality. It would be impossible not to like Christi, the invented character; although in real life it might be a different matter. But that's what writing is all about, making us believe and accept something by entering an imaginary world; and you are a very skillful writer. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

Well this is fun. Although I feel sorry for poor old gloomy Hank. Five foot five and she thinks he might have crabs and head lice!

Onwards.

This new arrival is another flavour altogether. Gonna sell her into white slavery. A serial killer. Planning to steal her identity too.
"I know it is illegal to put that much bass in a word." What a great line that is.

I like her. I like the fact that she used to have cursing contests. I like that she is about to go off with a stranger.

I like this book!

Nick
"Mirror In The Sky"

As a woman pushing 50, I appreciated this. I could relate. It gave me Beavis and Butthead "heh heh, heh heh"...Very well written, nice dialogue. It speaks to all women of a certain age who wonder if things are really as set in their ways as they appear to be. Backed.

I enjoyed this read very much. Laughed a lot at the first few chapters and will read more...very well written, Barry

Hi Christy:
This is really funny and well written. I didn't have a problem with starting out with the diary entry. It was so hillarious and got me chuckling immediately. You're writing is so descriptive. I thought the sentence describing the stranger "the impact of slavery has not been imprinted in his genes...." was amazing. That's a remarkable distinction and one I don't think one a Caucasian would ever think of. Your descriptions of all three characters are wonderful

I love her reaction to take off. Although I've flown tons of times, it certainly sounds just like me even now. i read both chapters and chuckled all the way through it, but, being old fashioned me, I have to feel sorry for the poor husband at home. Of course, maybe he deserves it, I don't know.

I did think the chapters were a little long and wondered if you could end chapter 1 at his line "come with me," he tempts as thought it were possible." (That's a real page turning spot and I think the turning point of the whole plot.) It's a great read, Christy and it's on my shelf today.

Betty K (or Liz) "The Huguenot's Destiny"

Hi Christy,

An erotic novel with humor is right up my alley.

“Condoms are in aisle twelve at the end on the left side,” he shouts. (Funny! I can so relate to this scene.)

Chapter 2 seems a bit too long, but I like your pitch and your writing. Shelved.

Rodney
An Open-Minded Man

Christy, so good to see you here. As you know, I LOVE your book. Your main character is funny and relatable and can hardly pull myself from your work, except to edit my own.

Hi Christy, sorry it took me so long to get to this, but my wl is moving very slowly.
Anyway, I enjoyed your book and the way you tell the story. I think it's the kind of read, most people enjoy from time to time, reminds me a bit of Shirley Valentine. The humour is great and I liked the charcters.
I think the pace could be picked up a bit, espescially at the begining. It really empowers a story when the reader is kept close to the action and the descriptions stay vivid but aren't overdone.
I'm happy to give it a bit of time on my shelf. Good luck.
Michael (Bravo's Veil)

needs some reworking and maybe the diary not the strongest start point. the airplane touch n stuff starts it wel..betterl? tell the backdrop stuff later? . lots of little points gram, flow, usage, etc., good to get that rework going now so as to easily incorporate the lessons in the later stuff. Very believable fp voice and delivery- and i like your comedy of human foible v. much.. i am hanging in for the next chapters now. coming soon?

Hi Christy. I quite enjoyed this read. It was a little slow at first, then picked up after the diary entry. You have a unique voice and your MC communicates with the reader well. I particularly liked this line: “There should be a rule somewhere that you cannot touch someone else’s ice cream.” I liked the reference to the M.O.P. and Hank's character is hilarious. This is one of those stories where the character arc is accelerated rapidly, creating humor. Very witty and excellent vocab choices. For improvement, I saw some dialogue that needs reworking, like this example in Chapter One:

"Well, if you’re sure,” is her response on a note of relief.

Maybe write it like this: "Well, if you're sure," she said, relieved.

Definitely bookshelved. Good luck with this.

Randy
(Buttermilk Moon)

Christy, what a funny clever story. Very Funny title. By the way, the title says 51 but early in the first chapter she says she's almost 50? The adventures of Christi is cute & chatty & definitely sexually interesting. Not sure what the phrase "about a buck fifty" means and I'm guessing most readers won't either. Many very humorous lines like "our dinner of cardboard with wood shavings".. keep up the good work. best of luck.

Hi Christy, I have really enjoyed the start of Finding Passion. My own book is about someone travelling to escape (and to discover!) and so I was naturally drawn to the premise of your story. As a Brit, I was rather looking forward to Christi arriving in England and to hear her thoughts on the Old Country, and so at the end of the first section I was split between rooting for her chasing love or just wanting her to go off for a nice holiday. I really enjoyed Christi's paranoid thought processes and I want to know what becomes of her. Good luck with this one. All best wishes, Andrew (author of BIG FISH)

What a wild nutty lady, just the type that would make good girl friend talk.

It is quite original.

I like her thought: Great Britain will always be there.

I will definitely shelve this. The only help I can think of is it started a little slowly for me--but that is just me. After all, I'm into thriller writing an entirely different genre.

Best of luck with this fun story.

Debbie 14k

I really enjoyed this. - shelved.

The whole premise of this story is slightly insane as 49 year old women on a trip to Britain do not usually rush off with strange men instead. Especially one who seems to be on the verge of paranoia at the same time. That said, somehow you made this believable and very enjoyable. I really don't know what to comment except -well done.

John

At dinner I made the conscious decision to try to find, read and comment on books outside the genre in which I write (literary fiction). This book is the first in my experiment, and after reading I'm happy for the choice. There were many things about your first chapter that I very much enjoyed.

The opening is fast-paced, accessible and quite enjoyable. I like your descriptions of men. At times your voice and style reminds me of Terry McMillian. Also from the very start you promise the reader the potential of an interesting journey. You feel the excitment that Christi feels on her first plane trip overseas.

If you tightened this a bit then I think it could be even better. I'll be interested to find out if you can maintain the voice and story within a first person, present tense framework.

I'm happy to give this a spot on my rotating shelf. And if I say so myself, kudos to me for deciding to branch out of my preferred genre.

Kelly

Christy
This is fabulous. It’s so absorbing it must be true. If you haven’t finished it, then you must, because if your story is as good as your writing, you have a sure winner.

Some great lines like: “This man’s eyebrows are a study in black”

Good humour: “the illness standby…” and “panty hose will talk to you,” made me laugh. However the shop assistant’s loud direction to the condoms seems a little hackneyed.

I focus on chapter endings. Chapter 1 “I Towards him and an uncertain, exciting future.” There’s nothing I can teach you.

Typo in chapter 2: “sleep thorough his entry.” - Through, presumably.

That’s it. All I need to add is: Shelved!

Chris
I Dare You

Hey Christy,
Great title - I would love to run away and I think I'm gonna like this! Love the beginning. I think you have a great mixture of the diary and detail - and there's not much advice I can give you. I'm going to be back for more, but I can tell this is something with quality - on my shelf!
Karen

Dear Christy,


In reading your pitch and synopsis, I wanted to know what country Christi comes from. I wanted to place her.

OK, American I note.

I’m chuckling at the diary entry. Do people really write diaries like that? But I do think the diary entry too long.

Alright, I have read a lot more now and recommend you have much more dialogue in this.

Events you narrate should be acted by characters who speak and interact with each other.

So we have live action interspersed among the narrative. I haven’t seen your comments but someone should have mentioned ‘show don’t tell’.

Rather than reading what the narrator has to say, the editor wants to watch the characters as if they are on a stage. She wants to hear them speak and see how they act.

Last year I converted a great deal of my narrative story-telling to character-driven story-telling. It’s not difficult to visualize the scenes, day-dream them and let the characters talk, etc.

In the mean time, Finding Passion is on my bookshelf.


Kind regards,


Pierre.

The Little Girl in the Fig Tree

balanced sounding prose masks a seriously paranoid mind who is yet prepared to go off with a total stranger met on plane.. shelved, i think there is interest here over and beyond the middle-aged-chick-seeking-passion theme--it is to do with that contrast of restraint and letting go. she is funny, esp the remark ybout the percussionist and god.. and, the final bit of ch 2, travel tips? hilariously hinting at disasters still to come.. i spotted on typo, a "thorough" when you meant "through" when M.O.P. comes in while she's sleeping.. the opening i think can be made more efficient, you explain a lot of stuff you could do shorter, or even leave out, letting the reader discover more gradually, but what i like about this most is the contrasts, the level voice with its paranoid delsusions, who yet takes a huge lifechanging risk just like that, a promising character, the drugs and talking panties seem a natural part of that. am backing this and wish you well with it.

freddie

Hi: You'll remember me from abna, won't you? I already knew you can write and I wasn't disappointed. The paragraph about being assigned partners? The first and fourth sentences say the same thing. You might put the info into one sentence. And the two sentences that follow could be combined as well: Our strict instruction is to know where our partner is at all times. Unless you are really trying to rub the fact in.

Quiet without being creepy. Nice description. You know short men have nice thick wankers. I worked at a delinquent teen group home, you learn these little tidbits. And then, well...the girls were right.

Funny about the crabs and head lice. Ever on the alert for pervs. You are hilarious. That's why when I finally saw your title again, I didn't let it slip away as it did before--I couldn't relocate it and gave up. I didn't even bother to put it on my waitlist, I just dived right in. Hold on, let me get some coffee.

This girl is something the way she thinks about men with her *married* self! Eyebrows are a study in black. Wow.

The mention of Enron dates it, but I guess you know that.

I explained the Mr. M.O.P's icecream situation to my twelve year old and we had a good laugh.

The condom scene was funny. I'll return to finish this later. I've already put it on the shelf. Interesting that you write first person present so well. And without contractions.

Christy, first of all, a post on your pitch.
Not including your title, I think you overuse the word passion a bit. I know that's what it's about, but maybe a synonym is in order? Also you say Christi searches out something something "touristy" in each city she visitis.
You have one too many "something"s. Okay, that's all on the pitch, the next post is on the story. :)

Your story: Wonderful! The diary section is wonderful, I like how the tone is different than that of the story. You make the dairy upbeat and a bit naive, and the actual story a bit more realistic in tone. This is really enjoybable. Is it autobiographical?

Anyway, well told, good narrative, interesting characters, nice description. Glad to have on my shelf.
Jeff

A natural story teller and a natural wit, the perfect combination. Nice turns of phrase and good observations. This is going to be fun. On my shelf . Patrick Barrett (Shakespeares Cuthbert)

Hi Christy (or should I write "Christi"?). There's a lot going in this book. For example, the story is chockfull of great observations, interesting characters, and nice description, especially of people like Mr. M.O.P. I found the talking pantyhose scene to be especially good. The only wish I have for your book is to turn much of the telling into showing--instead of telling us the MC's reactions, show it to us by what she says, moves, looks, reacts, etc. A re-write with this in mind would make, in my opinion, this book one that will find a deserved market.

Michael
The Last Coming out Story

So this is what every woman wants is it. I've learnt a few lessons here. Good fun though, even for a guy.
Well done. Will shelve.
Rick Gammons
(Touching Bottom)

I loved how the relationship with MOP evolved in Christi's mind. I was reading this outside in the park and people must have thought I was crazy because I kept laughing at my i-phone, but they are probably just a bunch of perverts anyway, I think they were checking me out, but I didn't look at them because I hear alot of them carry lice and crabs. LOL ;) Get your funny ass up on my shelf

I loved how the relationship with MOP evolved in Christi's mind. I was reading this outside in the park and people must have thought I was crazy because I kept laughing at my i-phone, but they are probably just a bunch of perverts anyway, I thik they were checking me out, but I didn't look at them because I hear alot of them carry lice and crabs. LOL ;) Get your funny ass up on my shelf

Christy you are incredible. I got so many chuckles while reading and just loved it. I'm behind you, lady, cheering wildly.

BACKED!!

Ci

There is a wide-eyed exuberance to the start of this story:

“He got me a phone so I can send e-mails from all over. He says it will keep us connected. I don’t really expect him to respond, but it is really a cool phone....I also decided to get a voice recorder. I plan to record everything worth seeing at the end of each day....To be honest, I am a little scared. I’m leaving all of my family and safety behind. However, I’m almost fifty. If I don’t go now, I don’t know when I would work up the nerve to try again.”

It is also funny. This about the travelling companion:

“He seems harmless enough, not chatty or overly interested about this great adventure. However, I would not mind spreading out. Hank could have crabs or head lice. I heard they jump from one person to the next, infecting as they go. I would rather not get crabs or head lice on my vacation.”

And this about the person in the adjacent seat:

“My twenty-five year old daughter Rene, who is a massage therapist, told me not to be friendly with anybody. She said people can hypnotize you if you talk to them. Then they sell you into white slavery. She oughtta know. She probably hears everything, rubbing on people all day. I may have nothing to worry about since I am not white. Still, you have to be careful.”

“Another tidbit I cannot help but notice is the fact he is a toucher. He is one of those people who bring you into their conversation with their words and their hand on your arm, your shoulder, or your back. It is obvious that he never took Personal Space 101. He has his hand up, down and around my body so much I should have motion sickness.”

And it just gets better and better:

“He tells the driver to take me to the hotel. Then he gets out and disappears into the large brick building where the driver has parked. I do not know what to make of this. A quick count shows it is about four hundred dollars. Am I a prostitute? I did not have any physical sexual contact with him so I guess not.”

“As I walk, my mind is working furiously asking me questions. Am I supposed to sleep with him tonight? I really want to, but that seems so sluttish. What are the rules nowadays?”

And how about this for humorous indecision:

“They have more types of condoms than grocery stores have candy. They have ribbed condoms, lubricated (with and without spermicidal) condoms, and lambskin condoms. What do you do with that? I do not want lambskin in my nether regions. Look at that, they have flavored condoms. If you eat the condom, doesn’t that defeat the purpose? Glow in the dark and colored condoms.... Ultra sensitive or non-latex. Hmmm, maybe I should get those in case he is allergic to latex.”

This book is an absolute hoot. It screams to be finished(if it isn’t already) Backed.

Hi Christy. I deeply appreciate your writing with such flavor, I laughed throughout the first chapter. Fabulous concept. I too evaluate the person in the seat next to me. Fantastic conflicting emotions. Great restrained thoughts and movements. You have an adaptable tone and a popular style. Shelved. Good luck. Janet Marie

My 'reader's crit' for you ;-) I enjoyed this, a good mix of comedy and the more serious. It certainly kept me reading. I might suggest that you break up the ptich into a few paragraphs, I was advised the same thing and it does make it more appealing ;-) You have an eye for detail and your descriptions are vivid and add depth to the story. You tackle subjects like drugs brilliantly, I couldn't do it half so well! I think this will do well, already shelved!
Best wishes,
Annabelle
(Would love your thoughts on Adelaide if you can ;-))

you are making me blush. i had so much fun writing it, i am glad you enjoed my heroine.
thanks again

Just fa-bu-lous! I'd have read the whole book in one sittting if it was all uploaded here. I haven't read anything so funny and original and touchingly human for years. Very well done and you're backed. Cheers! -Liz (Lying in Wait)

Hi Maria, thank you so much for reading. i appreciate your time. I will be posting more this weekend and hope that you will read and review.

thanks again,
christy

I adore this, I really do. This wacky girl's imagination had me laughing pretty much the whole time. I don't care for weed myself but I had to say a special little prayer of thanks that it does not cause my pantyhose to speak to me. Anyhoo.

With an excerpt this short, I can't get a sense of the whole narrative arc, where this is going to end. So I can't offer suggestions regarding structure. But so far, all I can say is that I love it to bits. The voice is exquisitely funny and great. Very very happy to back this, and to recommend it on the forums and stuff. All the best, Maria.

I followed a friend to your little gem, Christy, and I’m so glad I did. I found it original and entertaining. It’s a well-crafted story, unselfconscious and flowing.

You use a lot of negative phrases (eg: ‘…which I do not.’). I love it ! They’re perfectly-placed and invariably brought a smile to my face. Good to see you weren’t tempted to shorten them to the colloquial (don’t). That would knock the breath clean out of the power and the meaning.

Your description of the drug scene, with its inadvertent inhalations, is one of the best I’ve ever seen. Really funny too. Talking pantyhose indeed......

Pity she didn’t make it to the UK for her adventure. But would anyone REALLY be able to cover their tracks, with a mobile phone ? International dialling codes, etc ? Just a thought…

Here’s a couple of notes you might find helpful, really tiddly things, I might add:
- ‘the universe is conspiring against me.’ Impossible. It takes two or more things to make a conspiracy. Working ?
- ‘each finger looks as though it has muscles.’ They do, don’t they ? Stacks of them.
- ‘one hundred miles outside Wichita, more than once.’ Unless you feel you really need both desciptions, the sentence flows much better with only one: ‘one hundred miles outside Wichita.’ Or: ‘outside Wichita more than once.’
- ‘seething mass of humanity’, I’ve heard before. Only cliché I spotted, mind.

On the strength of what I’ve read so far, this deserves to be in print. Backed.

Pete

This is just fantastic. The pitch really sold it to me MOP! What a laugh. I have read up to chap 5 so far, and will be carrying on later when my little one is asleep. Well done you. I particularly like this kind of book. You may like to look at Getting Skinny and Sam's Diary (love, life & HRT!) they are in the same genre and are a treat to read like Finding Passion. Good luck from June

I adore this, I really do. This wacky girl's imagination had me laughing pretty much the whole time. I don't care for weed myself but I had to say a special little prayer of thanks that it does not cause my pantyhose to speak to me. Anyhoo.

With an excerpt this short, I can't get a sense of the whole narrative arc, where this is going to end. So I can't offer suggestions regarding structure. But so far, all I can say is that I love it to bits. The voice is exquisitely funny and great. Very very happy to back this, and to recommend it on the forums and stuff. All the best, Maria.

Thanks tj. i'm glad i kept you interested. it was fun to write. thanks for the shelving and the nitpicks. i need them!

realli interesting.

you've given your central character a great voice and i love the way you flick back and forth from reality to the diary-it's a really clever concept and kept me(not your target audience) completely interested.

couple of early nitpicks.

2nd sentence- for me it didn't sound right-maybe- i almost jumped back in the car and went home.

i will be travelling(around) britain.

i think i'd put this in my top 5 chick lits on the site.

shelved-TJ

thank you for the read and the review. i'm very glad you liked her. she takes a little getting used to.

Christy, this is very, very funny. I was drawn in by your pitch and then totally submerged into this festival of mirth. I do think you can still go further and push the envelope out even more. i only say this because I can see you are a genuinely funny writer and I know you're capable of it. The only downside I can think of if you do go further is that I might just wet myself and that would be most unattractive, even if I do have salt and pepper hair. Shelved!

Christy,

Lovely. You show us a great deal about Christi, just from her diary. One thing about that - put it in a different font, and cut the italics. Apparently agents and publishers don't like them, becuse they're more difficult to read.

Well I made it to the end of ch 1 after a lot a laughing. It takes a lot to make me laugh. Bill Bryson can do it. Sue Townsend can do it. And so can you.

Now, I've got to chuck someone off my shelf to put you on! SHELVED!

Joanna

The pace of this novel, the tone, the language, the little bits of stream of consciousness writing makes this book not only a winner, but one that I feel will resonate with millions. There aren't enough books about women over the age of 30 and this one rings with the true sense of humanity, bits of wisdom and humor throughout that just take the reader right there with your MC.

I'm shelving this before I've even finished chapter 1 because this is just a pleasure and a joy to read. Your sentence structures are perfect. Varied. Flowing. Rhythmic. This is everything a story of this nature should be. The journal entries are entertaining and give great insight to your character.

Shelved. Of course.

Rachel May

Christy,

This is a funny story. The diary is a bit long, but that being said, I am sure you are giving all the information for a reason. Keep going. On my shelf.
See you in print,
Charity

realli interesting.

you've given your central character a great voice and i love the way you flick back and forth from reality to the diary-it's a really clever concept and kept me(not your target audience) completely interested.

couple of early nitpicks.

2nd sentence- for me it didn't sound right-maybe- i almost jumped back in the car and went home.

i will be travelling(around) britain.

i think i'd put this in my top 5 chick lits on the site.

shelved-TJ

Hi, Christy!

You had me laughing out loud several times. You have a great talent for comic writing, which is very hard to do. Congratulations on that. Several situations and particular lines were just brilliant -- they came right out of the blue and cracked me up. (e.g. "He told me he was a percussionist. I think that means he does not believe in God." It's totally ludicrous and totally hilarious. Many other lines like that also had me laughing with admiration at your turn of phrase.

I'd have been happier if there had been some rift between herself and her husband that had caused her to go off to England by herself -- that would have made her quick decision to stray a bit easier to understand. A drink on the plane might have helped explain it a bit, too. And the MOP seems a bit too comfortable with the whole situation -- the way he treats her, it's really like they are an old married couple. (His past lives comment is one of the best pick-up lines I've heard of!) Anyway, you have great comic writing abilities and I really enjoyed this excerpt.

and thanks so much for putting The Whole Clove Diet on your shelf!

Best wishes,

Mary

Christy, this is very, very funny. I was drawn in by your pitch and then totally submerged into this festival of mirth. I do think you can still go further and push the envelope out even more. i only say this because I can see you are a genuinely funny writer and I know you're capable of it. The only downside I can think of if you do go further is that I might just wet myself and that would be most unattractive, even if I do have salt and pepper hair. Shelved!

thank you Hagen. I am going to do a rewrite and will incorporate your wonderful suggestions. thank you again for reading and taking the time to share your thoughts.

This is really funny and I enjoyed it. I have two suggestions. First, do a read to see if you can cut out some words. I found myself knowing what was going to happen before it happened and had to read through a few more preparatory sentences on occassion. That by itself isn't a fatal flaw but it can put a damper on the humor. Which is my next point. Christi is funny as you have portrayed her but I think you should spare no opportunity to push the limit as far as developing her character and showing how she changes during the trip. So, for example, some of the wordiness is ok in the first chapter because she is undecided and seems like a person who thinks things to death--you could play that up--when the guy is walking toward her on the plane you could run through all the crazy things that flash through her mind, from pervert to terrorist to smelly. Then as the story unfolds you can show her relaxing and opening up and she will be an (even) more lovable character. Best of luck and I look forward to seeing the rest.

I agree that the diary part at the beginning is a little long, once you get into the meeting with your MC things really gather pace andthe book begins to be un-put-downable! I am shelving you because I think you deserve it. Good luck! Straussy

I agree that the diary part at the beginning is a little long, once you get into the meeting with your MC things really gather pace andthe book begins to be un-put-downable! I am shelving you because I think you deserve it. Good luck! Straussy

thank you Kat. this is useful unformation because i want to know what doesn't work as well as what does.

Hi Christy,

Initially I wasn't drawn in by the diary opening - I don't really feel it adds much to the story. To my mind, the story starts on the plane. Your writing flows well, but occasionally there are phrases that don't seem to fit with the rest of the narrative, usually sexual references - maybe this is intentional to show her differing POV. On the one hand she is happily married, yet desperate to run off with a comlete stranger. I found this hard to empathise with, actually running off despite her happy marriage. I know this is what you are writing about, but I'm not sure Christi sounds convincing enough. I wanted to believe her and MOP, but I found it a little unconvincing. I loved the humorous side to this story, that worked well for me.

I can't help but like the premise for this story, and your writing is good. I'm sure this will have a good audience, but feel the characters need fleshing out a little more first.

I wish you all the very best with this.
Kat

thank you very much sybil. i appreciate the feedback, it will help me in my edits.

QUOTE] Okay, CC

I actually ended up liking this, but it took me a while to get into it. Here's why: The unique aspect of this is you running off with a complete stranger that you met on a plane. You need to get to that point much much much quicker. Take out the entire part about the diary and have that information come out in your conversation with the strange man. Cut down on your descriptions of him and end the first chapter where you say yes to his proposition. This is just a suggestion, but I really feel it is what this book needs. You have a unique writing style that ultimately is effective but it gets bogged down with all the superfluous information. In the first chapter, you immediately have to grab hold of the reader and not let go. I don't think the diary entry does that.

Your descriptions are eloquent and unique. Once the strange man was on the plane and you were telling the reader about him, I couldn't stop reading, but you took a long while to get there and I almost gave up and stopped reading before the good, no great part. And when he asked you to go away for two weeks I was like "What?!" I loved how you said you felt like you'd just shared an orgasm with him just by the way he said Yess - very powerful analogy.

Sybil

Hi Christy,

Initially I wasn't drawn in by the diary opening - I don't really feel it adds much to the story. To my mind, the story starts on the plane. Your writing flows well, but occasionally there are phrases that don't seem to fit with the rest of the narrative, usually sexual references - maybe this is intentional to show her differing POV. On the one hand she is happily married, yet desperate to run off with a comlete stranger. I found this hard to empathise with, actually running off despite her happy marriage. I know this is what you are writing about, but I'm not sure Christi sounds convincing enough. I wanted to believe her and MOP, but I found it a little unconvincing. I loved the humorous side to this story, that worked well for me.

I can't help but like the premise for this story, and your writing is good. I'm sure this will have a good audience, but feel the characters need fleshing out a little more first.

I wish you all the very best with this.
Kat

Wow, thank you so much for all of your comments. I greatly appreciate your taking the time to read and comment. I will definitely read and respond. It takes me a bit, but I;ll get it done.

Hi Christy,

I read all you posted.

You've written an engaging, sensual, humorous stepping-out story.

Your characterization of Christi is thorough. Lines like 'I'm feeling mighty liberated' and 'I think facial hair is an aphrodisiac' are deeply revealing and quickly create reader intimacy with Christi. Christi worries about head lice and serial killers and plane crashes and identity theft. Paraniod? Yep. And Christi has issues with Robert. She doesn't think he'll answer her email, he won't grow a beard and they have communication problems. You've done an outstanding job of making Christi come alive for your readers. Well done, Christy.

Your descriptions are excellent. For example, 'The way he moves is fascinating. Each step is smooth as a shot of organic Benromac whiskey.'

You use language expertly. 'He is not really my man candy flavor' got my attention. So did 'I decide to just marinate on the encounter.'

Your dialogue seems natural, and your conversations flow and inform.

I love your humor. I chuckled at 'dinner of cardboard with wood shavings' and 'I am not fresh meat.' I laughed out loud at the panty hose bit in Chapter Two.

Your pacing was spot on for me. My mind was in your story from begining to end.

Some suggested edits.

"Hey" I whisper. Comma after 'hey.' Same thing with I say "Hey," (comma after 'say.') There are more cases of this type of problem in your story.

In addition, we keep talking, keep touching keep binding. Comma after 'touching.'

"You are already going to be gone for two weeks. Finish this dialogue sentence with a closing quote mark after 'weeks.'

I tell him "I have a tour of a lifetime waiting. The UK is calling me. Comma after 'him' and close the dialogue with a closing quote mark after 'me.'

"What is really holding you back, he asks. I'm a harmless guy," he assures me. Question mark and closing quote mark after 'back.' Opening quote mark before 'I'm.'

So what happened that could cause a 49 1/2 year old . . . Spell out numbers 1 to 99. Same thing with 'Why didn't I meet him 30 years ago?'

"Excuse me Mr Man On The Plane that I just met." 'That' should be 'who.' Same thing with 'Marty is a Jewish guy that I catch up with in the lobby at the appointed time. ('that' should be 'who.')

Marty herds us into the gan . . . 'Gan' should be 'van.'

I had to slow down to make these notes, but it didn't interfer with my enjoyment of your remarkable story.

Good luck with this book which I have backed.

Al

PS: Might I ask you to read and review SAVANNAH PASSION?