Elysium

Chapter one immediately grabs readers attention and had beautiful imagery. It seemed that she grieved the loss of the dragon- this was intriguing. It was kinda of a jolt to the see how she then quickly wanted a replacement- very interesting first chapter. Some of the names are so unusual that I have no idea of how to pronounce them, but that is not unusual for fantasy and isn't that big of a deal. What is more serious is that, in my opinion at least, the pacing of the story drags at times- I think one reason for this is that when she is alone there is no dialogue, no characters for her to interact with and if she does they are in passing and there is little depth in those relationships. I also lost track of what was going on, but this may also be my fault as I found myself skimming instead of reading at times due to slow pacing. Hope this is helpful, best of luck to you. Desi.

brilliant fantasy story...great names and setting. good narrative style; this is on my watchlist...
read SEASONS...

Dear Dawn, I love your heroine plight & success - isn't amazing what women can do? :) Before I began to read your book, I was prepared by your pitch, which was very well done. :) Your story is good because you create interest by having short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, which makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm "backing" your book. :) "When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved"...authonomy quote. :) Please "back" my TWO memoir books, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" & my completed memoir unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories," which tells at the end, my illness now & 6th abusive marriage." Thanks, Susie :)
additional authonomy quote: "Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs." :)

The dragon is dead and Othyli must find another. Thus begins a journey steeped in fantasy. I like the characters and the action. The author has succeeded in placing me in a fantastical world. Beautiful.

Eric
Prairie Sunset

I like this, and you can safely ignore anything I say next at subjective waffling.

Okay, we begin with a nightmare. This is (I'm told) a cliche, but this read all right to me. But I do wonder if a better place to begin would be with "The storm beat them to Castlegate." Begin with a scene and an arrival. We can have the lovely surprise of new dragons later.

The "Dark Riders" is a fraction too Tolkein for me. Even though they are probably nothing like his ones. The watcher in the tavern (a bit Strider perhaps?) is good though, and I like that you don't name him.

All in all good fantasy, loads of ingredients that we fantasy bods love and loads of reasons to read on.

And loads of reasons to shelve.

Hi Dawn - I really like the idea of Othyli using her "captivity" as a diversion so she can get on with her life and plans. I agree with some other comments that this could do with some editing, but you have a good story so that will carry a reader through. I am on the fence regarding writing dialogue in dialect. Sometimes I find it too tiring to read in large chunks and often I think a description of the accent is enough to give me the sense of social strata and geographic origins. That is pure opinion, of course! This is a great idea, and I hope it does well.

Hello Dawn,
Brilliant. This is not one of my top genres, but the pitch and first two chapters left me with the feeling that I might have stumbled upon an incredibly crafted story.Well-written with brilliant descriptions and a fascinating concept. Rightly shevled.

All the best.
Janvier (Flash of the Sun)

Hi Dawn, Backing this now. This is beautifully told. Very minute detail and interesting turn of phrase makes it a real joy. It has the cinematic about it because of the fabulous description.
Well done
Hilary waters (The Piazza)_

Great storyline, Dawn, with original concepts. So far, I'm enthralled by the characters of Othyli and the mysterious, odd puppeteer. Loved the action scene with the skirmish in the tavern - that was very well written, as is the story: 'coiling around her with the weight only death can have'. 'collapsed inwards on the life that was no longer there'. 'Laughter and banter pushed up through the floorboards'. 'She had paid the wizard for twenty'. 'You silk talk'. 'her tread as silent as fog'. 'join 'em or join yer forebears'. 'a shaggy brow of waxweed stalks'.

This is bursting with promise, which a bit of editing (see below) should see realised. On that basis, I'm backing it :o)

Possible tweaks to use or ignore: 'blood-thick air ... pools of blood' better not to repeat 'blood' in your opening paragraph. 'crimson on granite' is dried blood actually a darker shade? 'pants' this is rather modern American - you might consider using something else, e.g. 'breeches'. 'had painted mute Rok as a fighter' up until this point, I had assumed Rok was the dragon, and that he had taught her. You need to signal something about him when you first mention the name. Biscuits for breakfast is another US trait - bread might be more universal.

In general: Often less is more. If you trimmed back some of the descriptions, the others would shine more brightly, and the story would be clearer and faster. You also don't need to repeat some things quite so much (e.g. the smell of the dead dragon) as these remain lodged in the reader's mind.

This is not my normal genre but you are quite capable of converting me. Very visual and descriptive. On my shelf. Patrick Barrett (Shakespeares Cuthbert)

Dear Dawn,

This is great writing, with wonderful characters and a really original premise, great action sequences.

Okay, that was the nice part. Now the nasty.

Far, far, far, far, (you get the picture) too many words.

Example: "Lars send his gaze down the long stretch of road trying to glimpse her incentive." How about, "Lars peered ahead"? Okay, I'm exaggerating, but you get the picture.

More important: in Ch 6, the whole scene in the kitchen before he goes in and finds her screaming. It's all sorts of fun, but what does it tell us? A little bit about his character, that we already know. The other characters are, i assume, of no importance to the plot.

I think authors fall in love with their characters, and write scenes about them just because it is fun to watch them. I know I do it. Then I have to go back and cut them out. Now it's your turn.

Good luck with this. It's a wonderful story. I'll give it some time on my shelf.

Dawn -

I just read your first chapter. Here’s a running commentary with nitpicks, followed by general comments.

-Great first scene! Wonderful scene set, marvelous description.
- ‘Fortunate or unfortunate’ – seems out of place
-‘The dark stains were laughably small against’ – replace was/were where can. Also, reduce adverbs where can. Maybe – ‘The small, dark stains looked laughable against….’
-‘After a brief scroll….three years.’ – doesn’t quite make sense
-‘His students’ – whose students?
-‘No, twelve years was not enough….’ Doh! Double take. Good line to jolt the reader. But I’m a little confused. Is this the same dragon she killed?
-‘Musing…..’ -great choreography in the paragraph. I knew exactly what was happening.

First, your writing style is exquisite. You have a wonderful voice for the fantasy genre, fantastic word choice, and your descriptions are top notch. Your sentences flow very well, too. Like I said before, the first scene was top notch. However, from there I felt there was too much back story. I’d rather see you take this information, whittle it down to what the reader must know to move forward with the story, then weave the rest into the story line. It will help move things forward. I must be honest with you, after a while I had no idea what was going on. Though wowed by your ability to describe things, there seemed to be a lot of extemporaneous information – both from the past and in the present – that drew me away from the story line.

Dawn, you are a very gifted writer and I see you going far. My main piece of advice would be this: don’t change the writing style, but change the way you tell the story. If you ever decide to re-work this, I’d be honored to re-read it. And also, keep in mind, this is my opinion and I just might be full of crap. Solicit other authors of the genre and get their opinions. I truly wish you the very best.

I will be rooting for you.

- Janene