BETRAYAL

Bev I have to leave you another comment after reading this :)

To everyone else, having read this from virtual cover to virtual cover I HIGHLY can recommend it. As a 'whodunnit' buff I was chuffed that I worked out the killer - but OMG is that only the start of this story that twists and turns around the loathsome Marcas and and his demise!! Some things I did not see coming, were a great surprise but worked perfectly.

Hankies at the ready folks!

Cat xxx
Judas Kiss

Hi Bev. Betrayal. (I am commenting after reading the Prologue plus all chapters...except Ch4 which doesn't seem to currently exist!). Reading The Prologue -- NYC '99 -- I immediately thought...."twin towers". I wonder if this event will play a part in the later narrative? You are weaving a spider's web of a plot around the death of the loathsome Marcus (for whom I lost any possible latent sympathy the moment he hit a woman). This is atmospheric -- and the episodic nature of The Prologue sets the scene and introduces the characters/scenario very neatly (...although I note you are -- rightly -- quite careful not to give away too much of the back story at this stage). The car crash death of Summer's parents is especially well written -- and I like the clever touch in giving one of the fire officers the name of Dante! The way Summer and Jez get together sets up a very interesting dynamic for a writer to play with...they will always relate to each other from within the shadow of the accident. Matt's antipathy towards Jez adds another interesting layer. This is an old fashioned 'whodunnit' wearing contemporary clothing...and is all the more entertaining for that fact. Shelved. ATB Simon (Little Bastard/All Things Nice)

New Year's Eve, and the past haunting both Summer and Amber, even Jackson to some degree. Then cynical Matt who dislikes Jez, dreamy damaged Claudia, and CJ with his secret, complete this interesting cast. (You
could, perhaps lose a few instances of 'was', e.g. Jez stood behind her ... Amber stood a few feet away.)

Wow, gripping but awful scene with the car. No wonder Summer and Jez got together. Now, hints at an unsolved murder two years ago ... Marcus, and they're all concealing his death? The mystery keeps deepening. Nicely hot sex scene. (his own body ... his own arousal ... neither 'own' is needed.)

Matt's reaction to Jez seems more a matter of distrust. Mm, and Marcus, it seems, was a seriously bad piece of work. Add blackmail to his crimes. 'Marcus had learnt that the hard way' ... first clue?

You've set up this unusual murder mystery well, Bev. Seven suspects, all friends, all keeping the secret while probably only one knows the full facts. Summer even doubts herself at times, but is she putting herself in danger with all this questioning? Great dynamics between the characters ... backed.

Like I said, I was interrupted yesterday, just as I was nearing the end of your first chapter. I liked what felt like a swooping camera, capturing the crowds in Times Square and focusing on your main characters, picking up on hints about their relationships and - really nice touch - giving us each of their New Year resolutions, like the last stroke of a quick character study.

The meeting with Jez in the crashed car was also really well handled. By the end of chapter two I was getting a real handle on these characters - an oddly-assorted bunch, both close and distant, and I am intrigued by the secret they share. You've covered a lot of ground in these first two chapters, but the writing is fuller, more confident (I feel) and more daring than in 'Love Overboard'. I can understand that being a 'guilty pleasure', but it's this one that - in my wholly subjective and not entirely useful - opinion has real potential.

Will read some more.

Simon

A gripping thriller with more than a few 'suspects.' Fascinating dynamics between them. A bold, daring and thought-provoking storyline. Stunning depth and detail. Great twists and turns that capture and hold the reader's imagination. Top notched writing. A captivating read. Backed.

Backed.

Great characters. I love Summer and Jez's relationship. A very good read.

Christopher Couture
(Superhated)

This is a thrilling read, i just couldnt stop. I would def buy this book

Backed 100%
Clair
Left Behind

A good read. Polished charcters and diolouge that create a unique voice. C W Shelved.

I think I left a comment on this earlier, but I can't find it so maybe I never transfered it from my word.doc to the site so I'll do it again. Like the way you start by introducing your characters as the Times Square ball drops; I only was in New York once for New Year's Eve and it was freezing cold but it was an experience to remember. Once you've introduced your characters, it then really takes off. A good premise. A good read. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

I want this in hard copy!!! I am going on a vacation in two days with a group of friends and this would be the perfect read! After just three chapters I am totally hooked - your writing is smart and your dialogue is so right on!! BACKED Get this published before my next vacation PLEASE!

Liz
The Cheech Room

Bev:

It takes a great pitch to draw me towards chick-lit, Betrayal had it. I am so glad I gave it a chance. I find more of the thriller/suspense/romance theme, more than I do chick-lit. Not to offend anyone, there is nothing wrong with chick-lit, just not my preference. Your characters are lively and believable, the story original and the pace, perfect.

Backed with the best of luck,
Candace Bowen Early (A Knight of Silence)

Well, I'm not one who normally reads murder mystery stories, but as with Love Overboard, I simply love this. From the cover, short and long pitch to the story, it is all great. Since you're currently editing punctuation, I can't fault anything. Backed.
Jamie-Lou, Playing Human

Bev I have to leave you another comment after reading this :)

To everyone else, having read this from virtual cover to virtual cover I HIGHLY can recommend it. As a 'whodunnit' buff I was chuffed that I worked out the killer - but OMG is that only the start of this story that twists and turns around the loathsome Marcas and and his demise!! Some things I did not see coming, were a great surprise but worked perfectly.

Hankies at the ready folks!

Cat xxx
Judas Kiss

I love Summer and Jez's relationship. Really poignant and touching. I like how you do little snippets of the characters that are to come, in your prologue. Interesting format I've not seen before, which is always a good thing, in my opinion.
Backed,
Tracy
The Guardians

Love the new cover!! Very fetching ;-) Great story - love the murder mystery. . . who done it?! Go on you can tell me!!
Shelved
Grace x

I love a murder with a good cast and you've gathered together an excellent one. you are building up the layers of clues, and red herrings nicely. I am looking forward to getting everyone in the accusing parlour for the unravelling.
But I suspect you will think of an much better ending than the traditional gathering.
Backed

Hi Bev, loved this, great characters and engaging story that kept me reading, glad I backed it well done and good luck. Maybe you could have a look at mine if you have time, Maggie P. (Llangorfan)

Heh, I'm loving this. How appropriate, as I sit here, shivering like a popsicle (you can tell I'm writing today, I go all Americanized, haha) to read your opener, set at this time of year. I liked the contrast between Summer and Amber's relationships; spotted a typo in Jackson's first section (where/were), lol, by the time I got to Matt's thoughts, I was giggling. This is what I love about omniscient POV, jumping into everyone's heads to see the contradictions between them. Love it. 'Mid night', lose the space in between the words. Great ending to the prologue, very Jackie Collins! CJ is the one to watch - just like me, keep hiding those secrets...or write a bunch of bonkbusters, lololol.

Ha, I just remembered my millennium, spent working in a sleazy dive in Cumberland Street, one of the girls drove me home, and we got as far as Myrtle Street...she took a wrong turn and we nearly drove over an unconscious prostitute. Cue us sitting in the freezing cold for about an hour, waiting for an ambulance, and her rambling to my companion "Are you an angel?" Yeah, a fallen one, maybe, haha. I think that was the coldest I've ever been, brrrrr!

When Summer's mum is making notes in her journal, you might want to break her dialogue up and put the prose sentence in between it, like "...President." Eleanor Stevens...journal. "I need to make sure..." I read somewhere that editors like that :)

I love the rest of this flashback, in part because one of my Brooklyn friends just quit his rock band to become an EMT, so I feel like I know this scene, also, how it came out of the blue, and gave Summer and Jez their meeting. Mm, Dante. Why is that name so hot? And firefighters *smirk*

My mind's racing wondering whodunnit now!

After Summer gets out of bed, maybe put some asterisks in; I wasn't prepared for the change in POV. Omg, I'm moving in with a friend in the new year, and this is scaring me, haha, having to share one's living space with people I don't like (friends of a housemate). Hopefully, I'll get on with them all! You've done a good job of exploring the relationship between an (older) brother and sister (something I have to tackle with Jessica). I remember seeing my friend, with 4 brothers (3 older) and they were always picking at her relationships, and coming over all bossy/father-like, to the point of exasperation.

'In flight movie' can have a hyphen (in-flight), and a comma after Jackson/before Darby. Move the apostrophe in planes'/plane's.

In a brief interlude, I have to say, this would translate well to the screen, so make sure you get film rights, hehe. It's got an 'I Know What You Did Last Summer' feel to it, in terms of the secret we know is going to erupt somewhere down the line.

LOL @ 'misconception that he was some kind of Adonis', I know a few guys like that.

Comma after 'nothing better to do'

This is well-paced, and full of options/direction. Your characters are fleshed out and perfect for this type of book - I feel like I'm getting to know them, without being guided by the writer to side with anyone in particular yet, and that's what works for a book with a lot of characters. I can see how they all have flaws and potentials. They're all a bit broken, and part of a network, like a web, that could break at any time. Yay, for flaws! It's evident that even though Marcus is dead, he's as much a part of this group as anyone. The story doesn't feel forced, either - as a British writer, writing in an American setting - it flows as well as any I've read by native novelists; I sometimes think we have the upper hand over Americans setting stories here, what with our culture being so soaked in theirs. That's why I have high hopes for both of us selling in both territories :)

When Marcus is bribing Summer, you have a hyphen - an aside about her not seeing Brad anymore - I think it would work if you put another one after the word 'ammunition', to close the aside. Ha, I'm willing the killer to be Jez. Wait! Now I want it to be Amber. Dammit, you keep throwing up valid reasons for it to be anyone...that's a good thing, though, heh.

Chuck the 'really', and the apostrophe in 'DJs', and throw in a semicolon after 'her job' and then a comma, like so: 'She enjoyed her job; in fact, it didn't feel like work, it was so much fun.' Or you could structure it like: 'She enjoyed her job. In fact, it didn't feel like work, it was so much fun.' OR (lol) 'She enjoyed her job. In fact, it was so much fun, it didn't feel like work.' I kinda like the last one, I think. And when she says work's been hectic, maybe separate that into two sentences: "Hectic, as usual (full stop, then next sentence)"

Can you tell I'm in editing mode today? I'm just about to rip Headliner's Chapter One to bits. I saw so many typos and repeated words last night, but was too tired to fix them. So, apologies for my pickiness today :P

LOL @ 'Jerk'. Wolf does a lot of that in his head, too.

Mm, I could so order a pizza now.... (reading chapter 3)

'Even when she thought she looked awful in something' could be a new sentence.

"No shit, Sherlock." Ahaha, my Brooklyn dudes say that all the time.

BON JOVI. Woohoo! You're like me, slipping your favourite music in, hehehe. Yes, men are stupid.

When Summer pushes a drunken Marcus, you have 'mite', which needs to be 'might'. Marcus reminds me of a certain blond 80s rocker I know; great when he's in a good mood, but when he's been on the Wild Turkey...bleh. He's getting an acknowledgement in Swallow when it gets published, haha. Taught me everything I know about rock stars. Marcus is like one of those bad smells that won't go away, isn't he? No wonder someone offed him. Or did he die by his own hand and the reader doesnt know 'til later? (don't tell me, I'm just hypothesising!)

What I like about this is it's as much character-driven as it is plot. I like the undercurrents and how no one's being completely honest with one another, just like real life. Having the reader relate is a good thing, and we can ALL relate to that.

Omg, I keep trying to get to chapter 5, and the site keeps throwing up an 'error' message at me. I'll be back later to read the last chapter :)

Love it. Get some more up! :)

Hi Bev;

So I love a good murder mystery. The pitch reminded me somewhat of 'And then there were none' but at the same time clearly different from other books.
I was more than happy to begin reading and became even happier to continue reading =) Your writing is great, not too long ... when that happens it becomes rather tedious to continue reading.
I'm not sure if anybody picked this up with your book but in Chapter 1 you begin nearly every new part with a characters name. To an editor that may become a bit annoying, from what I hear all editors are a bunch of giant fusspots. My best advice I was ever given was to please the editor in which ever way you can, basically you blow the wind up their backsides. I know if you submit a manuscript normally and you do something like spell their name wrong, or use an abnormal font then thats it ... they throw your manuscript in the trash.
Otherwise I am happy to give this my backing =)
Good luck.

PS, my other suggestion is that having 2 books might become hard to get either of the 2 to the editors desk. Perhaps focus only on 1 and then trying your chances again after that =) That's only a suggestion though.

BACKED!!! YAY! =)

The pitch is great—loved the character introductions and although I am new to genre, and taking your active editing into regards, it was a lovely read and I wish you the best.

Scott
The Esrevinu Chronicles/Secrets of the Elephant Rocks

I love the pitch and how you've given each person their own say. Great read, and i will come back later and read more just as soon as I can! But I'm backing it based on what I've read so far!

Hi Bev,
I can't resist a murder mystery so I went for Betrayl. The opening chapter is great, flicking from head to head and is a great way to introduce the characters.
What I would say though is I think you need some sort of catalyst for bringing Marcus in, rather than everyone just thinking about him. Perhaps the scene with the photo could be used so that they all view it and then that is what gets them musing on Marcus and what has happened in Colorado.
I also think you give a little too much away by telling us early on that Marcus was a git. It might work better if this is drip fed in, otherwise it demolishes a bit of the tension because if he was so awful do I care who killed him?
These are not criticisms just hopefully helpful comments.
You a nice easy style of writing and I am liking what I have seen of the characters in these chapters.
Backed

Love the idea. More my kind of read than love overboard.
I notice you have the habit of starting paragraphs with a character's name, repetitively ss sometimes. You may want to look at that when you proof. Backed.

Bevster
No chapter 5 so 4 down. Lining up well to a good thriller with promise. The different thoughts of all the friends at the beginning was a good touch to quickly introduce them all and put it into perspective. You have lined everything up so that there are little or no shady spots. Marcus got his deserts, Summer still suffering, as you do, I've been there! Look forward to the next chapters. Well done. Backed

Great pitch! And I loved Summer and Jez! Awesome dialogue! and it's fast paced and breezy...I always chick lit. and this one is great!...:) Good job.
~Tab

I like the accident flashback with Summer and Jez, and how their relationship stems from the car crash that killed her parents. The implications of him turning out to be the murderer would be terrible for Summer! You mention the punctuation on your profile, so I won't. An interesting premise with the promise of fireworks to come. Backed.

I see the appeal of this in the market you are aiming for. Well written. Ok, not my cup of tea, but i do recognise something with potential of commercial success when i see it. Good luck, hope you make it.

BACKED

Hello Bev,
I liked the opening to this very much...reminded me of the minutes of the old year ticking away as each member of the group of friends told their new years resolutions...all appear to be haunted by something/someone.
Smoothly written and excellent dialogue. The mix of characters is excellent, I like the dynamic of familial relationships as well as that of friends/lovers.
Great start to a good story..congratulations..Backed with my pleasure.
Dawn : ARK

Hi Bev. Betrayal. (I am commenting after reading the Prologue plus all chapters...except Ch4 which doesn't seem to currently exist!). Reading The Prologue -- NYC '99 -- I immediately thought...."twin towers". I wonder if this event will play a part in the later narrative? You are weaving a spider's web of a plot around the death of the loathsome Marcus (for whom I lost any possible latent sympathy the moment he hit a woman). This is atmospheric -- and the episodic nature of The Prologue sets the scene and introduces the characters/scenario very neatly (...although I note you are -- rightly -- quite careful not to give away too much of the back story at this stage). The car crash death of Summer's parents is especially well written -- and I like the clever touch in giving one of the fire officers the name of Dante! The way Summer and Jez get together sets up a very interesting dynamic for a writer to play with...they will always relate to each other from within the shadow of the accident. Matt's antipathy towards Jez adds another interesting layer. This is an old fashioned 'whodunnit' wearing contemporary clothing...and is all the more entertaining for that fact. Shelved. ATB Simon (Little Bastard/All Things Nice)

Bev,

Great short pitch. Love the premise – that it’s one of the eight friends that’s a murder.

Really liked what you did with the prologue, all those mysterious thoughts and details that implicate several of the friends as a could be the killer. So many secrets!

I don’t think you need to say that is was Summer’s memory that took her back to what happened three years ago. I think the transition would be a little smoother if you just said something like ‘They met three years ago…’

I loved the way Summer and Jez met – very romantic (don’t tell anyone. I usually don’t admit to liking such traditional romance.)

You’re probably already aware of it, but there’s something missing in chapter 1. The paragraph starts with ‘rib bruising.’ Seems like something’s missing before that.

I love how you keep adding in little bits that make things more mysterious. I really want to know what happened to Marcus and about all the rotten things he’s done!

This was a great read.

Shelved.

Laurie – Into The Master’s Lair

I would eat this up page by page cover to cover... this is going on my favourites list.

I look forward to indulging in this further but as I can see there are only six chapters so I'm going to be left disappointed... because I will be wanting more! :-)

Backed with pleasure, just my kind of story.

Jo xx

Bev, I really enjoyed book too :O) I love a good mystery/thriller and I hope to keep this on my w/l to read more. I backed it about a week ago but life got in the way before I could comment.
Cat
judas Kiss

From the pitch I imagined this as a modern version of a classic whodunit, however on reading it's clear this is firmly in the chick-lit territory. I think the idea of breaking up the characters at the beginning works. Over all the premise is excellent. I would say to go through it and tighten the script, but I did take on board that this is a story in the process of restructuring. Plenty of promise. Backed.

For sure the first chick lit THRILLER I have ever read.
WHen I was a little girl I loved Christopher Pike books. It fist ingrained the horror/thriller love that I still possess to this day. That said there was a book called Weekend where a group of friends go on vacation to find out who killed their other friend. The killer was with them. When I read your short pitch this Weekend book came back to me. Yours isn't the same but suddenly I was awash with this nostalgic feeling. You caught me in a great mood. I didn't even balk at the Chick Lit tag like I normally do (honesty is key right, I am ashamed that I do this-but certain genres are hard for me to get into)
That said, your characters are incredibly well mapped out. I found myself cruising along at top speed and only set it down when my alloted time frame for the book was up.
Backed.
T.L Tyson-Seeking ELeanor

Hi Bev
Great pitch -- shades of Agatha Christie's, "And then there were none" .....one of those came back a murderer. Yes, I'd read on at that point!
I thought the car crash scene in chapter 2 was really vivid, and you did a good job of introducing the characters. Looking forward to reading the finished product!

Love the tension and the mystery involved here, Bev. Your characters are well-drawn, interesting and intriguing in their differences. They bounce off each other beautifully and make the reader want to know more about them.I like the way you spin their tales out gradually and hint at their awful secret without quite letting on enough to reveal it. Marcus was obviously a nasty piece of work but who did the dreadful deed?

Must find out! (And this, surely, is the reaction you want from your readers, so well done, you've hooked 'em)

I can picture this as a television serial as well as in bookshops. Your dialogue is crisp and natural and lends itself to a wider audience.

Can't shelve at present because mine is full. But am adding to my WL and will pop it up there very soon.

Best Wishes and very good luck with it. I'll buy it.

Anna (Black Damask)

Hi Bev, I'm not a great reader of chicklit so not sure if I'll have anything in the way of useful crit but I confess I really enjoyed the read and found myself quite caught up with your characters. The crash was really well done and I could quite imagine falling for Jez under those circumstances, or any really!! Have a bit of a thing for fire-fighters.... ;)
Really fascinating cast of characters and this has all the ingredients for the kind of novel that sucks you in and won't let go until you've turned the last page. Yes, it needs tightening up - but you know that.
Not sure if my backing will help with that pesky red arrow but we'll give it a try!
Jane
WALKER

I'm known for looking for the perfect Bubble Bath book and I have found it here. You bring the story right to the reader and keep on letting us in bit by bit. I like the layout of the book. I'm not one to nit pick about spelling and stuff due to I hate to do it myself without a stiff drink and I see you are working on that so best of luck to you on that project. I will keep this on my list and put it on my shelf the next time I change books.

Good characters, a good air and tone of mystery and an intriguing plot - happy to back!

A few nitpicks - there are a few typos, and I'm not tsure the prologue is necessary. But you've said you're editing this so I'm sure you'll sort it out.
Jonathan Watts
Dread Fist

Hi Bev, A clever opening and this is a novel way of introducing your characters. What I've read so far is nicely written with enough subtle clues of mysteries to come that will keep the reader interested.
Shelved with pleasure,
Carole

Hi Bev,

I like this story. The characters interact well and the text flows. Spelling and punctuation stuff aside, it's been really easy to get into. The name "Jez" is very typically British. I never heard that name in the States. Is there a reason for that? I like the way the story builds and I'm going to keep reading.

Shelved,

Charley
"5ive Speed"

New Year's Eve, and the past haunting both Summer and Amber, even Jackson to some degree. Then cynical Matt who dislikes Jez, dreamy damaged Claudia, and CJ with his secret, complete this interesting cast. (You
could, perhaps lose a few instances of 'was', e.g. Jez stood behind her ... Amber stood a few feet away.)

Wow, gripping but awful scene with the car. No wonder Summer and Jez got together. Now, hints at an unsolved murder two years ago ... Marcus, and they're all concealing his death? The mystery keeps deepening. Nicely hot sex scene. (his own body ... his own arousal ... neither 'own' is needed.)

Matt's reaction to Jez seems more a matter of distrust. Mm, and Marcus, it seems, was a seriously bad piece of work. Add blackmail to his crimes. 'Marcus had learnt that the hard way' ... first clue?

You've set up this unusual murder mystery well, Bev. Seven suspects, all friends, all keeping the secret while probably only one knows the full facts. Summer even doubts herself at times, but is she putting herself in danger with all this questioning? Great dynamics between the characters ... backed.

I love how, as you were introducing each character, you mentioned a lot of the names in the other people's spaces. For example, Claudia thinking about Jackson, then us getting into Jackson's thoughts, already knowing a bit about him. This makes the transitions between people a lot smoother.

And I really love how Jez rescued Summer. So cute!

I believe this story has a lot of potential - especially with its audience. Reminds me of the movie Murder by Death (a great flick), and in all the right ways. :-)

Shelved.
Andrea
The Key of Kilenya

hi bev,
i really like this...your style of writing is very engaging and totally my sort of thing!
the characters and their relationships are very intruiging..... one wants to read more! unforutnately i have o stop now, but i have shelved it and will be coming back to it asap!!
love,
lilli x

I love the way Summer and Jez meet, it is so dramatic. I dont know if you need the prologue, could you just introduce the characters in the story one at a time? Everyone has different opinions on prologues.

You are very talented and this is great. I want to know what has gone on before and who is guilty. I'm pleased to back this.

Bev,
Ah, I like this one even better. The characters seem to have a bit more depth and I like the hints of mystery you sprinkle throughout. One thing I was thinking as I read this-I would love more dialogue. I think that through the dialogue, you can still give us the background story while also giving more insight into the characters themselves.
I also thought the pitch was very effective. Good job!
Shelved,
Anna Carroll

Bev,
I think this storyline of yours is great - your warm, endearing friendship/family theme as a symbol of humanity set sharply within a morbid or pathological world where secrets play an important role, and the need to protect them, even more important. Your Times Square New Millenium opening with a little insight into your cast of characters was a lovely introduction to your story (I particularly liked, biased as I am, your narrative concerning Jackson's laid back Caribbean attitude to keep it cool!) and I thought your ending to this part with CJ and that reference to his secret which had to be kept hidden at all costs was a very effective ending to this part. This was an excellent commencement to your "whodunnit?" base and I want to know, was I right at this point in thinking it was CJ (because of his desperation to keep secrets hidden)?
In the next chapter I liked how you began to add more flesh to your characters and Summer's vulnurability as a result of the accident and her parents' deaths caused I think full identification with her and a keen interest to follow her mind and her path. Jez came over as very likeable too because of his protective attitude towards Summer which of course caused some hostility towards Summer's brother Matt who does not see eye to eye with Jez. I thought the flashback method used to get Summer thinking about what really happened to Marcus during that Colorado vacation and who was responsible for murdering him is a good way of progressing your plot. I know you said you are working on editing issues etc (aren't we all?!) but since I read as a reader first and foremost and not as an editor, I didn't notice anything striking to nitpick about. I saw as I read the makings of a very meaningful and entertaining piece and I think you have the right recipe for creating a highly successful whodunnit novel. Wishing you every success with this Bev. If later on you want me to come back and read more, please don't hesitate to let me know.
Very best wishes,
Zan

Oooooo! What a fantastic setup of characters! So many questions!

I'll definitely be back to this one Bev and i'm sure it wont take long to paddle out from the shadow of that ship!
I feel i can back it on the proloug alone!

Nice work. xxxx

I had a hard time wading through the POV changes in Chapter One. Chapter Two was, in my opinion, much stronger, not just because of the lack of the POV device but because the storyline moves more fluidly therein.

Just popped in for a further read of one of my favourite books on this site and couldn't help noticing your latest review. Goodness me - not feeling it. Well the later chapters brought me to tears so if that's not feeling it I don't know what is. I'm still loving this and I think you have the emotions between the couples down to a fine art. Ah well, we can't please everyone! Lynne.

OK Hi Bev,

Back for a look then, as you so beautifully requested! I know you'll want me to say as I see...

First Up, the jolly ol pitch:

' The story is set in New York, eighteen months after a vacation changed the lives of a group of friends forever....' We know it's a story and pitches need to be punchy to the nth degree, not a word wasted, not a word. So, describe NY to us in a word and restructure to feed as that as a feeling, as in... 'In seedy New York at the turn of the millennium...' or 'Seven out of eight friends return from vacation to a sombre New York. One has been murdered; one is the murderer. '
'Every single' again, two words for one. ...'everyone in the group...'
' His cousin, Summer is having trouble thinking that any of her friends could be a murderer'...you either need two commas around Summer, or none.
' She becomes obsessed with finding his killer, she is hell bent on discovering the truth and when she does it sets off a chain of events that no one could have forEseen...' ...maybe 'her obsession with finding the killer sets off a chain...'
COMMA before then it was him....

STORY:

" Jez was standing behind her. His arms wrapped around her waist, pulling her close to keep her warm. The tip of her nose was bright red from the cold December air. " Not sure why the sentence break here, after her, why not just a comma? And with a feeling so beautiful as NYE cold nipping at your nose, describe it from her POV, what she's FEELING not telling us that its happening. Tinge the excitement of the celebrations and juxtapose that the nipping cold that had turned her nose red just didnt matter...

" He had proposed on Christmas Eve. She had known from the start that Jez was ‘The One.’ She had accepted his proposal without hesitation. She was now in a place where she could forget the past, banish the bad memories from her everyday life and maybe finally accept that the truth may never be known. Maybe it was even better that way " : Three short bursty sentences and then the long one...getting a bit morse-codey, Id say and Id think about how that flow is to a reader - try reading it out loud...to no one but out loud. Its THE most valuable tool. It feels to me like you need to join a couple of them together or redesign so the flow is more even so early in the story. Short and punchy maybe later for effect, but here, we're all good and just want a smooth flowing prose....

" Jez bent down towards her, kissing her cheek she turned her face towards him and brushed his lips lightly with her own. " : OK, given we generally say down with the adverb, not always, but in general, look at this one. You haven't said kissed her lightly, you've picked a verb beautifully that describes the lightness of the touch with 'brushed' so can drop your -ly word easily with no restructuring. Just dump. Gone! ALSO have a reread of the sentence, it actually doesn't quite make sense. Either split it, or drop a comma in? I think you need to split and have another main verb.

Summer She - PERIOD

OK into Ambers POV and nicely done, but let's FEEL it Bev, really feel it...
" She glanced across at her boyfriend Matt, who although standing next to her may as well have been on the other side of Manhattan for the amount of intimacy there was between them. " What's going through her head and heart as she watches this exchange, how does she ache for that intimacy ( or does she!?), were right in her head and need to feel what shes feeling, not be told by the disinterested Narrator.
any way - one word

" She moved from one foot to the other and rubbed her hands together in an attempt to keep warm "

Telling Bev.

Yes I think we have our main culprit here - you have the bones of a great story but Im not feeling it. And that's cos YOURE not feeling it. You're writing it. But I wanna feel it, really feel it. I don't wanna know she rubbed her hands together, I want to know why Summer's nose nip didnt bother her, cos she drenched in love and Amber is clapping her hands like a nutter cos she dont got the luvbug!!!

Glad to come back and look again if any of this is any help or makes an sense...

All the very very best, MAT

Hi Bev,

You asked me to look, so I have - I know a little late!

Story's good but my main points would be on structure and punctu. I see you're working on those, want me to point anything out?

best
MAT

This is good, and I can see the little bits that you must be editing, so I won't go into them. I like this and, as crit isn't my specialty, I'm going to say one more word:
Backed.