The Marshal -- Retribution

I love these kinds of books. And you take it on so well. The characters feel real, the story believable, and the writing is engaging. I have really enjoyed what I have read so far. And will continue to do so I expect. So of course I have shelved your fine book. Keep up the good work.

Cory, this was an amazing read! It's great to come upon such a professional writer. You've obviously done this before--written a successful thriller!

I am a fan of this type of book and often recommend certain authors in the field, and I would certainly recommend you.

You do a bang-up job of creating characters that the reader cares about, even the bad guys are drawn clearly, with backstories to explain their lives and motives.

The filling in of details from the previous adventures of marshall and Jackie are well-crafted and inobtrusive and only placed as needed to the storyline.

The occasional unsettling thoughts of Jackie and Kane are placed just right for maximum effect on the plot.

I am sure you can achieve publishing success with something this professionally written and so polished.

Here are a few typos I caught. Hope you can find them. Most of them I found in the threat assessment discussion in the president's office.

"Aside from rouge nuclear weapons...." --probably should be "rogue"

The town of Batman is mentioned and then "...the Ottmans were modern day Turks..." --first should be "Ottomans" --and then "modern day Turks"? from the 16th and 17th centuries? Doesn't seem to fit that description.

"...dully died fabric" --should be "dyed" fabric

Font size difference in one place for "Ottoman Empire" and "Islamic" in the discussion of Valide Sultan.

You have done a masterful job of creating characters, utilizing setting--while not spending too much time on it, inserting info from the previous adventures, and at the same time, keeping the action going strong! The short chapters help and switching around form one character to another is a useful plot device.

I say hooray for you, Cory! Keep up the fine work! I am shelving this!

Ancient Reader

This is very well written and has believability. The dialogue especially is well done and fairly whizzes along. This is partcularly good and makes it very readalbe. I don't enjoy reading on a PC so will try to print off more but I've enjoyed it so far.
Michael

Cory, A very good read. I like the premise of your book and will score this high. Its going to serve you well.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R)

A fire marshal as a hero. What a great idea. Reads professionally. Good job. Backed.

BACKED

I get very little from comments about my own book, nowadays. Some people like it, some don't. Some people are too frightened to leave genuine feedback, while others seek to enforce their own style upon me. I want to get to the Ed's Desk to get professional comment. I would rather spend 30 quid than do all this reading and backing. I have got everything I want out of Authonomy community already. So I am backing your book so that you can reach the Ed's desk and get professional feedback, instead of the platitudes and devious backings that account for 80% of backing you receive. Only 20% of comments are genuine, and will add value to your work.

Now, who am I not to back you? I am not godlike. Your work might be flatly written, unoriginal or even down right bad. It could be wonderful. But in my experience, only you can be honest with yourself about your writing... and that is what matters.

So, I am backing you so you can reach the Ed's desk.


There you are.

BACKED
Hope you reciprocate.

Wow. The first chapter is a massive hook. It is written really well and it enveloped me in the fright and uncertainty that Jackie and John are feeling. I eagerly moved on which is why I am backing it. This is pulling me to read more. And I am going to let it. Backed
T.L Tyson-Seeking Eleanor

This book gets off to a gripping start, with the Investigator upping anchor and setting off after the ship where Jackie thinks she has seen Condor Walken. You write well, moving the action along quickly with short sentences, and letting us get to know your characters through their words and actions and memories of the past. You introduce the background well, through John's memory of the events of a year ago, rather than by an information summary. I did wonder, not having read your first book, if you give too much of its plot away? But you are the best judge of that. Certainly you give us a very graphic idea of your villain and of how far he will go. The seeds of conflict between Jackie and John are already planted in the first few chapters, and this adds an interesting strand to an already gripping plot. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

Hello Cory, have shelved you and very good luck with it. Can you take a look at mine, please? Chris1

Cory, this is exciting stuff and has plenty of 3D characters and is particularly strong on female characters. The premise is going to lead us on a journey with plenty of intrigue and action in the Bond/24 mode, I guess. This is a book that needs to be read in full. Hope you finish it soon. Would you like to do a read swap? I''m shelving this one in a couple of days when I've read all eleven available chapters - it's a cert! Chris1

THats a great opening. Setting up the relationships we all care about. SHelved.

This would be a page turner or in my case now clicking the next number.... :-)

All the ingredients are here for the genre and I enjoyed what I read.

Nothing stood out to me as a reader which needed changing, we all need a bit of polish but I believe you have the package here.

Backed

Jo xx

Spoilt

A fast-paced thriller. I go with KGAdette's comments, so I shan't repeat them. Persevere!
Kind regards
Ann English

I loved this. I really enjoyed your descriptions and your writing style. Definitely on my shelf and good luck. I will continue to read to the end and will let you know if I have any comments but so far - Chapter 5 - really enjoying it. Also this has a professionalism about it. Great stuff

I've commented, backed you, and gave you a Bacon Award in the forum. Chek it out:

http://authonomy.com/Forum/Posts.aspx?threadId=27520

Backed again!

Cheers!

I love these kinds of books. And you take it on so well. The characters feel real, the story believable, and the writing is engaging. I have really enjoyed what I have read so far. And will continue to do so I expect. So of course I have shelved your fine book. Keep up the good work.

Hi Cory

I enjoyed your work. You have got all the conventions of the thriller down pat.

Well done! That, of course, may turn out to be your problem.

I would ask you to think about this. What is your USP (Unique Selling Point)? what is is that makes your work different from all the ohter thrillers around. Find that USP and build on it.

Good luck

Alexander French

Cory, this was an amazing read! It's great to come upon such a professional writer. You've obviously done this before--written a successful thriller!

I am a fan of this type of book and often recommend certain authors in the field, and I would certainly recommend you.

You do a bang-up job of creating characters that the reader cares about, even the bad guys are drawn clearly, with backstories to explain their lives and motives.

The filling in of details from the previous adventures of marshall and Jackie are well-crafted and inobtrusive and only placed as needed to the storyline.

The occasional unsettling thoughts of Jackie and Kane are placed just right for maximum effect on the plot.

I am sure you can achieve publishing success with something this professionally written and so polished.

Here are a few typos I caught. Hope you can find them. Most of them I found in the threat assessment discussion in the president's office.

"Aside from rouge nuclear weapons...." --probably should be "rogue"

The town of Batman is mentioned and then "...the Ottmans were modern day Turks..." --first should be "Ottomans" --and then "modern day Turks"? from the 16th and 17th centuries? Doesn't seem to fit that description.

"...dully died fabric" --should be "dyed" fabric

Font size difference in one place for "Ottoman Empire" and "Islamic" in the discussion of Valide Sultan.

You have done a masterful job of creating characters, utilizing setting--while not spending too much time on it, inserting info from the previous adventures, and at the same time, keeping the action going strong! The short chapters help and switching around form one character to another is a useful plot device.

I say hooray for you, Cory! Keep up the fine work! I am shelving this!

Ancient Reader

Cory,
Very creepy and ingenius plot. Moves really well. Very believable from the moment the woman's got something on her mind to the subsequent action. You obviously have plenty of experience or have done a great deal of research.

A few things to check. The paragraph where he's recalling the bomb in chapter 1. You mix in past and present in your description. I know exactly what you're trying to do, but that could confuse someone who is not paying in-depth attention and you don't want that. Also, check out the following line in Ch. 1: "At the wheel of Investigator, Jackie's Hinkley seventy, ... " Are you trying to say he's seventy? I'm not quite sure.

At any rate, good luck with this. Shelved. Hope you get a look at "The First Daughter" if you haven't done so already. Take care.
Tom Mahon

You have a really good story going on here. In his thoughts, in the beginning, you mention he was a day before retiring when the bomb went off. To me it sounded a bit cliche. I would be careful sending that to an agent, in talking with a few agents during a read and critique time their consencus was they stop reading and decline when they run into cliche items. It sounded a bit like, "Leathal Weapon" when Murtaugh was about to retire and gets paired up with Riggins (Gibson). That is what popped into my head. Your story is much different than that movie, you might want to consider it.

A few places where your tense shifted. Several paragraphs in you say, "Walker stands in front of him . . . puchesh him . . . demands . . ." I think it should be stood, punched and demanded." He is thinking back. Same with a few sentences later, "Walken hits him on the nose." Should be, hit. This is something I had to do in my story, but go back through and read for these tense shifts.

Other than that I did not really see anything that I did not like. You are agood writer and your story grabs my attnetion well. I like these type of books. (Aciton, adventure, crime, thriler, spy, murder, espionage mixes.)

This is going on my shelf.

What can I say this is good. I really good storyline, well written and grabs the reader. It is different which I like, I love originality. I think this is an excellent piece of work and I wish you good luck. I am backing your book as I think this is a gread read. Steph (Emily-Jayne

This is as good as most of the thrillers in the stores. Shelved, of course.

One suggestion...the background info in c.3 could be woven, bit by bit, into the actual scenes. Flashbacks are tricky; they leak energy from your story...and besides, editors and agents don't like them much. I learned this the hard way (rejection, but at least the rejection was specific.)

Cheers,
Sheryl (comment on mine? Backing optional)

Hi Cory,

This work is polished. I was pulled in right away. Great characterisation and dialogue; I found them to be believable and authentic. Loved the transition between the flashbacks and the present. This is an engaging story that grabbed my attention and made me want to read on.

Shelved!

Shinzy :)

Hi Cory,

I have not read all the book yet but I've shelved it in anticipation as the first five chapters shot off to such a promising start. It's certainly not my genre but I found myself drawn from early on. I think you've struck a good balance with the characters - you have dealt with the trade-off between early character development and pace in an experienced manner.
I found the credibility of the story and its telling to be a significant strength - you bring a confident understanding to the prose, if that makes sense. I will certainly be finishing the book soon.

Congratulations on your success so far and best wishes

CO

Dear Cory,
My observations:
John attempts to go to her; she pulls back. Then she responds by drawing to draw him back. Either their relationship is very complicated, a push-me/pull-you, or this needs to be looked at again.

John and Jackie: two names that both start with a J. A reader's eye does a shorthand, recognizing the architecture of the word, in this case, scanning and seeing the "J." Strongly suggest you change one of the names. It actually does cause confusion; at best, it asks an additional effort of the reader to concentrate all the more.

Great verb, the building 'pancakes".
You speak from authority; I believe that John is a fireman.

You might want to insert some white space, or give us a transition from the back story "Life had always thrown him a curveball …" to the dialogue of the next line. Perhaps something as simple as "He looked at Jackie's troubled face. 'Where?' he asked."

Jackie being kidnapped is recounted in fairly passive voice. Suggest rethinking, maybe inserting snatches of dialogue when John first learned of what happened from Jackie herself? Or thread the back story through a few chapters, creating more tension, allowing your readers to hunger for the whole story over a longer time.

You've created two strong protagonists in John and Jackie. Would most certainly follow their path through what promises to be a taut novel. Shelved.

Your transition from present to flashback are seamless. This first flashback is told in just the right length to give us some backstory while not taking away from the present plotline. I would just watch the dialogue and make sure you don't make it too formal. For instance, "Come now, darling," seemed out of place to me.

The story, though, immediately grabbed me. I'm enjoying it so far and am shelving it!

Cory,

This is really good. I need to be up front by say that this is not a genre that I am normally drawn to....that said, this is the 2nd book in this genre that I've read on this site that kept me turning pages. There is a real flow to your writing and that alone took me deeper into the book than I expected to go. The characters are solid and natural....we know people like this.

I'm not a fan of blowing smoke for no reason, but only one thing hit me between the eyes and almost made me pre-judge your book.....I HATE being introduced to characters by using both first and last names! It may be just a personal pet peeve and certainly my annoyance should not be enough to send you back to make a change it, but it feels so old school to me...so pulp fiction. I won't sit here and say it's wrong, but I will say that I react each and everytime I read it and I gotta tell, my reaction isn't pretty!

All that said and much to my surprised, BACKED!

Lockjaw

I love these kind of books. The human drama involved and the fresh look at other cultures outside the scope of the American reality. And so educational for me. I love it. Shelved!

Nice story. MC in love with two women, nasty mdern gangster and torturer, big boatsa and little ones.
The admixture is great and the whole is a suspenseful well-written tale.
Enjoyed reading this.
The writing is professional with few clumsy sentences or typos and it is tight.
In short, a pleasure to read.
Best,
Fred

Hi Cory,
I'm enjoying it so far. I just have a few comments regarding technical issues, if that's ok.
Stop writing 'said' when someone asks a question. Use 'asked' or 'inquired'.
The first few paragraphs don't really differentiate who the hero of the story is. How would John know that Jackie was trying to erase the thoughts from her face?
In the 3rd paragraph, you bring up a quick flashback, but it doesn't flow. Actually, the whole paragraph doesn't flow. It's that sentence "Sitting there in the dark" that doesn't work. Maybe tighten it?
Watch your voice...you need to keep it in an active voice. 'He was supposed to retire' is very passive. Try 'Tomorrow was the day to retire' or something like that. Actually the whole sentence is off.
The first chapter has quite a bit of background right away...can it be put into the novel throughout instead of all at once?
'The next day, Walken killed the assistant and kidnapped Jackie.' It's very bland. Isn't it a big deal that he kidnapped Jackie? Punch up the sentence, it sounds too matter of fact.
Watch your tenses when you're flashbacking. You can't say, 'He was back...' and then write in a present form.
'The smarts come rushing back to him now...' I don't get it. The pain? His intelligence? It doesn't make sense to me. And it's not in the right tense.

Ok, so I only did chapter one because I promised to read 11 other books. I apologize for being hard on you, but it's a good story line and it's intriguing, but those little nuances are distracting. I think this book can go very far, but it definitely needs to be tightened.
Good job.
If you feel the need to be just as harsh with mine, it would be most appreciated.
JL

This is very well done; I can almost smell the reek of testosterone emanating from my screen - a pumped-up, macho bid for best seller-dom and I'm certain it's well executed enough to get there.

Not being an aficianado of the genre, I sometimes found the whole thing a little silly to be honest and almost self-parodying at times (a 7-foot tall retired Soviet General? Really? Does he bend iron girders with his bare hands and drink neat alcohol distilled from potatoes too?) but that's probably because I often have trouble extracting my tongue from my own cheek...

And it's a world away from the self-obsessed vagaries of chick lit. For that we can only be grateful.
Al
The Spirit of Nagasaki

Hello Cory, I managed to find time to look at your Chapter One. As I had not read your original version, I'm afraid I can't make any comparison. However, what I can say is that I found your writing very easy to read, sentences constructed well and the message of the story comes through bright and clear. I hope I shall be able to read more; time is not easy to find in my somewhat frenetic life at the moment. However, I shall endeavour to try again soon. Good luck, regards, Anne
PS If you can look at The Apartment sometime I would be very grateful! It started well but seems to be dipping somewhat.

Hi Cory,

Before I give you my comments, you have to know I judge it solely on 3 criteria: PITCH, WRITING IN CHAPTER 1, and STORY IN CHAPTER 1. All three criteria are geared towards maximizing your chances at getting an agent and publisher since it makes no sense to say you have a great chapter 12 when an agent can’t even get past your first chapter, right? Your pitch is essentially your query letter. I differentiate between your writing and your story in Chapter 1 since you can be great in one but not in the other. After each criterion, I add a + or a -. Two +’s get a shelving. Sorry I can’t be more in depth but I have like 100 comments to return just in the past week—and I actually read each entry carefully. So . . .

PITCH: I liked your pitch--very Forsythish (word?). Some of the prose might be a bit bloated and cliche now, though, like, "they enter an even more complex web of deception and danger than they faced last year." I mean, I think I've heard "web of deception" 1000 times before. Also, I'm not sure Kane is "once again" facing a bigger foe than he esimtated. Isn't he facing the same foe--Condor Walken again? And they "accidentally" see Condor again in Alaska; it's not "ironic." Overall, though, it's a strong pitch. +

WRITING IN CHAPTER 1: Your write pretty precise language. Mechanically, I think you're fine. But you might want to add some storytelling flourishes to your story. The first chapter reads sort of like something from a technical manual, to tell you the truth. But then again so does Michael Crichton's books. +

STORY IN CHAPTER 1: Interesting beginning but waaayyyyy too much explanation and telling instead of showing. We don't need to know precisely EVERYTHING about John and Jackie's past nor the nefarious scheming of Condor. If I were you, I'd cut maybe 60% of this chapter and just concentrate on WHAT'S HAPPENING in the scene right now without long, explanatory flashbacks or memories. You can throw flashbacks here and there--or put it in dialogue form from other characters--as the story progresses. You don't have to dump it all into chapter 1. -

Shelved.

Well, I like your style. I've now read up to chapter four and it is indeed enticing to read on.

Few remarks, though. You change POV on a regular basis, which I would not do on a first book. Stay with the couple you started with in the first chapter. Walken is a sideline you can have your readers learn about through dialog (which you are very good at). I'm going to back this one up.

Read the first chapter and it left me with some questions.

First, the present tense: this is great, but I would make a more clear difference between the past and the present. They kind of flow through one another. You sometimes have to read a passage twice to see what is present and what isn't.

In all your speed, you haven't yet mentioned why Condor Walken did what he did. HE blew up a building, but why? Maybe that comes later on, but I would put it in here, since it is an important part of why he acts the way he acts.

Cory, read through to the fourth chapter as asked. Sorry to take so long to get to you. For me the opening chapter doesn't work. As a reader I want to be back there, on the 4th July 2008, with John and Jackie, experiencing the vicarious 'thrills' of the explosion. Being told about it in chapter one simply holds up the action in the present book. It's a large flashback to get through right at the beginning.

I was also jerked out of the narrative right at the beginning with 'tried to look into her eyes'. Is John avoiding Jackie or vice versa? We're told a few sentences later but I was already beginning to doubt your abilities. I was also unsure about the description of his first wife. Do we need so much detail about someone who is dead?

Having said that once we get past the flashback you write very well indeed and the scenes with the villains and the Janissaries are well done and promises much. That, I got into to and enjoyed. Rather fance Doa, actually.

How do you get over the first chapter? I'm not sure. Is this one the second book? Why not write the first one first? It's up to you. I wish you well with it.

Chris James (Stoneblade and Back Pages)

Cory

Happy to look at and comment on your book.

I hope you will return the favour with mine.

Alexander French

Cory,

I do remember the first chapter of your book, so I went on to chapter two. This novel is so timely in what is happening the world today, and you handle the tension with skill. The irony of all this effort and energy being spent on Iran and North Korea when the threat is much closer sends a chill down my spine.

You might take a look at the second paragraph in the second chapter. There seems to be some awkward phrasing there, especially after the "but"; however, that was the only time I stumbled in the whole chapter. A very satisfying, exciting read.

On my shelf for the second time,

ML

Cory- I have just read all that you've put up here and I have to say that from my perspective it is worth shelving for awhile. Your characters are well developed and the reader gets a sense of the background of each character which is then relevant to the actions they take in your plot. I also like the idea of telling the story from several different view points. Easy to read, which is what a lot of readers tend to like. Well done!

Andi
Chronicles of the Knights of the Code

This is such an easy book to read. I love the way you write, it grabbed me from the first paragraph and I wanted to read on. I really enjoyed it, it made me feel tense and wanting more. It is detailed and so descriptive. I love it. Best wishes Stephanie!

Hi Cory, more comments. This is a great story, but you're burying it in too much backstory up front. You can integrate this throughout the entire book, you don't have to front load. I did the same thing in my novel and I ended up moving a lot of stuff around to get to the action up front. Here's my suggestion. I would stop the back story at the "While Peggy was cautious" (leave it) paragraph, insert a scene break and start with chapter 5. Pull that action here or else I think you risk losing the audience, because what they'll have the propensity to do is skip forward until they see dialogue and they won't read the backstory anyway. Integrate it in tiny chunks throughout the first maybe 10 or so chapters since yours are shorter.

Hi Cory, this was a very compelling beginning. You have a great voice and the detail in which you right your scenes makes the reader feel right in the middle of the action. As for the present tense, I personally think you might be better able to accomplish it with scene breaks, so that the reader can see the shift from past to present tense. As it is currently blended in, it almost appears as if you lost control of the tense. I would add in a scene breaks to show the shift in tense was intentional and to help move the reader through the story without confusing them. But I think the flashbacks are necessary so I wouldn't suggest deleting them. I would also suggest adding in a prologue that would cover some of the details about Condon Walken. Perhaps make it read like a case file (kind of Tom Clancy-ish but it works), so that when the story begins we have a solid foundation in which to grasp John and Jackie's predicament and we can stay in the action without slowing the story down with backstory.

I've read the first chapter. You give an incredible amount of information, it's really too much. Large chunks of the first chapter are about things that have already happened. I understand the idea, but you leave very little room for your characters to talk. Their dialogue sounds like it's coming from you, not them. You paint a good picture, I can see the setting, but you use 5 sentences to describe a boat and anchor when you could use 2. I can hear you the writer in the descriptions, and I think to solve this you could trim them, a great deal. This book seems like a standard thriller. The main character is heroic, but for me that's not enough. Your opening line needs to go. I wonder what kind of novels you read?
thanks,
jason

Completely shameless, Cory, but thoroughly acceptable!

Just a small point, but you might want to consider. Turkey isn't in the 'political' Middle East' despite is geographical location. Likewise Israelis, often consider themselves European. So, in the mindset of Doa's contemporaries, I don't think they would be imagining her as the most beautiful in the Middle East. Cultures aren't always as entwined, as they are in the west. I personally think a character's mindset is really important when describing their thoughts. I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but it sounds very American, i.e. 'I think she's the most beautiful in America'. Most of outside the US tend to be content with merely considering our most admired women (or anything for that matter) as being the most beautiful in the world...or sometimes just the nation in which we live. I see what you were getting at in trying to make the area in which her beauty was legendary greater than just Turkey, but I feel you have just two choices; either all Turkey or all the world.

...Whoa ent on a bit much there, hey?

I'll probably read some more soon, but a bit busy at the moment, but other than my little issue C4 seems fine.

Oh, one other thing- I find it quite unusual that a fire marshal has a nemesis, so I'd try and be a bit less melodramatic than that in the advert if I can.

All the best,

D.

“Today was July 4, 2009” jarred. Could he look at a paper to give us the date/ Or maybe: “One year to the day, July 4, 2008” which flows better.

I’m glad of this intro to the couple, but it slows us down right at the start. I’d recommend cutting this right down to a couple of sentences. Similarly with the back story on Walken. I don’t think we need all this detail. Bear in mind you could be losing a sale if people pick up Retribution and you give away too much about the first book’s plot. I think it’s enough to know Walken had held and threatened to so terrible things to Jackie if John hadn’t complied. I found the retelling a snippet in present tense distracting.

“Investigating arsons” – May be a Brit thing, but plural of arson is arson.

“assuring insistence.” - not sure what you mean by this. Is he insisting that Koshti relaxes and being reassuring at the same time?

“What they did not know was that Iran already had several nukes.” is awkward to read. Consider: “They didn’t know it, but Iran already had several nukes.”

“solid eye contact” – not sure what you mean by “solid” – Constant? Direct?

Cory, As I said originally I think it’s a great story and pretty well written. I think I was one who wanted to know about Walken, but I preferred the original version over this one. The reader needs to be pulled into the story and the two new sections of explanation stop this. As I said, cut them down or insert them in chapter 2 as backstory.

Best wishes
Chris (I Dare You)

Epic in the genre. This is what Thrillers should be. Backed.

-Jenny-

Cory, I found the first chapter a little confusing. It jumped in time and in tense. I believe it has great potential but the reader needs a little help in connecting the dots. Good luck with this. Bruce

“Uh huh. Still not convinced? Condor? Bald Eagle? Guy's got a thing for birds of prey. Only a prick with his arrogance and disregard for order would put a mistranslation up on the back of a two-hundred-million dollar boat. Pure arrogance. It's him.”
In the middle of the tension build up you use this quick, sarcastic dialogue. I love it, it makes me smile. The mixture of present with an integrated storyline of the past makes for a great intrigue. I am at once fearing for Jackie and John (good match, eh?), and their possibility of escaping what seems to be a prison of Walken's making. You leave me wanting to hurry on to chapter two. Other than a few nit picks about a comma here or there, every other person would have you change it another way, I feel your writing flows effortlessly, bringing the reader further into a promising ride. I will be happy to give you shelf space and I will keep reading on.

Sincerely,
Nietsa

This is definitely for the intelligent reader - a gripping techno-thriller in the world of push button terrorism. My kind of book.

I'm still reading - difficult to put it down. Thank God it's on my laptop and have to shut down soon. Will send a follow-up message if I encounter any nitpicks of my own. Zero so far.

In the meantime, it's on my revolving shelf.

This is a real page turner, exciting, thrilling and very interesting. Shelved!
Eric

This is very well written and has believability. The dialogue especially is well done and fairly whizzes along. This is partcularly good and makes it very readalbe. I don't enjoy reading on a PC so will try to print off more but I've enjoyed it so far.
Michael

Cory - as requested, I've read the first five chapters. Don't know what it was like before, but I do think this is an excellent opening. We're right there, in the middle of things, the back story is neatly (and dramatically) interwoven, the characters are all very sharply defined and are interesting/intriguing, and the plot is already reeling us in. You write well; this reads like a very professional piece of work. I would definitely want to read on - just hope you can maintain the pace!!
Three very small observations, if I may. As a Brit, I found the (to me anyway!!!) excessive use of acronyms in the very first chapter a bit off-putting. there's NCY and FDNY and BFI and FBI and DSP etc..... I accept the need for these "institutions" to be mentioned, but could you stagger the onslaught a bit???
Secondly, in chapter 1 you open a paragraph "He was back in that high-rise" - straight present tense would be much more powerful, I think "He's back in ...."
And finally, Chapter 5 you have him say "Whom do you want to call?" Well, ten out of ten for grammar, but no-one actually speaks with the accusative case, do they? We'd all say "Who do you want to call" - wouldn't we???
Great book. Am shelving,
Shirley.

Hi Cory,

I have to say that I struggled with the first chapter. You switch between present and past tense and it really confuses me. After getting through Chap. 1, the rest of the chapters were easier to follow. A cat and mouse chase on the high seas is very high stakes and has kept my interest. I have a feeling that the energy in going to be elevated throughout the entire book. I will keep on my WL to read and comment further.

Best,
EJ