Book Jacket

 

rank 4562
word count 18904
date submitted 19.03.2009
date updated 08.06.2012
genres: Literary Fiction, Chick Lit, Romanc...
classification: universal
incomplete

Pass me the ice cream

Kelly Duffy

Falling in love is never easy...Samantha Edwards ought to know. She still hasn't got a 'real' job, lives at home and is a hopeless romantic.

 

Falling in love is never easy...Samantha Jane Edwards ought to know. She drinks to much, still hasn't got a 'real' job, lives with parents at 30 and is a hopeless romantic. With the help of her big sister, Sam manages to get her life back on track and experiences the real world at last. Raging hormones, manic horses, handsome irish men and dentists chairs all play a part in this tale of love and life.

 
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tags

chick lit, friendships, funny, love

on 14 watchlists

139 comments

 

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Lord Dunno wrote 1826 days ago

You know, it's a shame guys don't read 'chick lit' in real life. This really is very enjoyable.It's funny and earthy and full of off the wall observations that really hit the spot. Love the pace and the way this flows and the little references to every day life... Jeremy Kyle, yuk! Angelina Jolie! Ha! Louise is a great character and I suspect you probably had more fun with her than anyone else. The bitches are always the best. Karaoke night... the snappyness of the fixing of the dislocated arm Accessorising with a sling. So many spot on touches add up to one really good read. I'm sure this is gonna go far.

SKD wrote 1833 days ago

No! That's not fair! Okay, get published already! I love this! And normally I don't go for chick lit, but this is too cute. I was pulled along. Great fun.
If you need Beta's to finish and let you know what they think....I'm your gal. :)
x~Sarah

sarahg wrote 1836 days ago

More! I want more! Made the fateful mistake of starting this in my lunch break, then couldn't leave till I'd read it all. What a fab character Sam is. Some of the things she says/does are so believable - reminds me of my youth! Great story telling, the humour had me laughing out loud - no lunch splattered across the screen - with me reading out loud the best bits to the girl next to me. Actually, she's the one who made me keep reading - only I get into trouble then! Smart move.

Sorry I can't say anyhting more constructive, it all seemed good to me, Yes, there are a few typos but they didn't stop the enjoyment. It read easily, I didn't stumble anywhere. A real good book I would buy and read laughing out loud on the train, not caring who saw me.

Shelved.

scargirl wrote 676 days ago

i confess, i looked at your book because of the cover...i make ice cream, and i love it! the title works, too, but i think you should use proper caps. this is a likeable, pathetic character.
j
what every woman should know

soutexmex wrote 1459 days ago

Kelly: you have something here. I just don't like the way you ended that short pitch. Try 'appearances are deceiving' and end it at that. About the long pitch? Can you end it with, 'can she come back from all the recent hurt and pain?" You wanna end with a question. Perfecting your pitches is how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel. The writing is good so I am SHELVING you.

Though I have been a very active member for over a year, I can still use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Every little bit helps. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

Burgio wrote 1459 days ago

This is a good story. Samantha is a good character; likable and certainly sympathetic because she needs HRT. I think you'll have a wide audience of women for this who relate to Sam and want to follow her to the end of this to see how it all plays out. A small thing, but I found your pitch a little confusing; I felt like I should make notes to be sure I was keeping all the characters you name straight (and hoped there wouldn't be a quiz later). I mention that because it would be a shame if someone bypassed this because the pitch is confusing. It's too good a book for that. I'm adding it to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Nick Poole2 wrote 1522 days ago

God, how often I've made a mental note not to drink on a Sunday. And lunchtimes. And weekdays...

That's such a great opening line. Not the "Thanks a lot" but the mental note.

Unusual heroine...on HRT at 30. This has potential, I think. make sure you put her through hell before she comes through smiling at the end!

Nick
"Mirror In The Sky"

Barry Wenlock wrote 1537 days ago

Hi - I'm not a chick-lit fan but this is well done for the genre, dealing with a serious issue in an amusing and sympathetic way. Good characters, firm, realistic dialogue. Not my cuppa, but well done. BACKED. Barry
(Little Krisna and the Bihar Boys)

meemers wrote 1541 days ago

Your dialogue runs well and your sense of humor and self-deprecation can't be beat. The story is great and would make a great movie. You might want to catch the spelling on gynecologist. (I don't know if I spelled it right either!) Other than that, it's a great read, keeps flowing, backed.

sue sohn

vanessa musson wrote 1542 days ago

I was drawn to this book by the menopause theme - boy, do I feel for you hitting this horrible freight train so early. I am grappling with this at the normal age, and am shocked at how little I knew in advance of the plethora of unpleasant symptoms. I mistakenly thought you felt a little hot now and then, and that was more or less it. I reckon the menopause is one of society's best kept secrets. Five months in, I am managing my symptoms with a combo of agnus castus, wild yam root tablets and natural USP progesterone cream, and I have to say that I don't think I could do much better on standard HRT, as the improvement is so marked on every count. They say that natural progesterone, being "bio-identical", has no cancer risk, but I'll tell you later if that was correct. : - )

Anyway, I am delighted that someone has thought to write a book with this theme at its heart, and the fact that you experienced it so young, is all the more compelling. Very enjoyable reading - both funny and touching.

Backed
Vanessa
Banana In The Briefcase

Jupiter Echoes wrote 1543 days ago

BACKED

I get very little from comments about my own book, nowadays. Some people like it, some don't. Some people are too frightened to leave genuine feedback, while others seek to enforce their own style upon me. I want to get to the Ed's Desk to get professional comment. I would rather spend 30 quid than do all this reading and backing. I have got everything I want out of Authonomy community already. So I am backing your book so that you can reach the Ed's desk and get professional feedback, instead of the platitudes and devious backings that account for 80% of backing you receive. Only 20% of comments are genuine, and will add value to your work.

Now, who am I not to back you? I am not godlike. Your work might be flatly written, unoriginal or even down right bad. It could be wonderful. But in my experience, only you can be honest with yourself about your writing... and that is what matters.

So, I am backing you so you can reach the Ed's desk.


There you are.

BACKED
Hope you reciprocate.

eamonn walls wrote 1579 days ago

Very very interesting. You know it's maybe kind of strange in one way that as a chap I found this intriguing. Though maybe in another that's precisely because I'm a chap. I automatically assumed that your target audience would be mainly women but you know I think I was generalising and jumping to a rather stereotypical conclusion. Maybe a bit of science or general knowledge thrown in here and there and you've actually achieved wide appeal. Backed! :)

Cazzi F wrote 1599 days ago

Love Sam, love the title, love the writing - not sure the pitch does the story justice. It grabbed me because I love this style of book and style of writing but the central plot/question/theme isn't as clear as it could be.

That's me nit-picking though! Strong characterisation, especially since Sam has gone through something that the vast majority of us would find difficult to empathise with - so many books in this genre rely purely on the reader saying 'oh yes, i've been there' and enjoying the rest of the book on this basis but Sam's condition makes her far more interesting and harder to write about I would imagine so well done and a big thumbs up.
Cx

tamaraB wrote 1605 days ago

This book is so great and I enjoyed it a lot and I'm very pleased you are back.

Good Luck
Tamara

Onthedottedline wrote 1605 days ago

This is a sublime study of relationships - the pettiness, the rush to impress, the bitchiness: all life is here. Your writing is clever, and so funny it had me laughing out loud. I'm sure this book will do well. Backed with pleasure. Best wishes, Tony

Bradley Wind wrote 1629 days ago

I'm man enough...even in these nappies...to say I don't mind a bit of chick lit.
This one feels real. Oh I just noticed its from some real life business as well.
Hope you are getting on okay and that you are eating a nice bacon sandwich right now.
I could go for one myself.
-=B

aislingb wrote 1717 days ago

This is great fun. You show probelms with alcohol without either doom and gloom or being fipppant about it. Some great dialogue and funny bits e.g. spilling the wine down a D&G jacket. I would suggest that you proof read as you're missing a few commas here and there (I'm comma illiterate, I find it very difficult myself). Shelved and good luck with this.

Kim Jewell wrote 1720 days ago

Hi Kelly!

I can see your sense of humor coming out as the story unfolds. Your characters are well drawn out, dialogue is funny, and there was an easy flow to your words.

One nit - in your intro, I don't think "Dental" needs to be capitalized.

Other than that, very enjoyable read! On my shelf.

Kim
Invisible Justice

LawsonBlacklock wrote 1722 days ago

Oh, this is funny. I loved the reference to Brad Pitt and the half naked remark. Made me get the giggles.This is well written and very intelligent chick-lit, and I really do hope it does well. Best of luck to you (I read this one out of curiousity and for the humour) L.x

JANVIER wrote 1731 days ago

Hello Kelly,

My perception of the three chapters read so far is that you have written an excellent story that has what it takes to keep the reader hooked to the unfolding story until the very end. The plot is brilliant. Overall, your story is one that deserves to be treated with respect.

All the best.

Janvier (Flash of the Sun)

Alecia Stone wrote 1737 days ago

Hi Kelly,

This is hilarious. What a breath of fresh air. Love the narrative voice; it was engaging. Sam is a wonderful character.

This is a captivating read. Loved the pros and cons. The dialogue is spot on. Very impressive work.

Shelved!

Shinzy :)

Monique O'Connor James wrote 1738 days ago

This is so fun, and funny. I have had a good laugh! I like Sam, she is a riot. I think you have done your job because I don't read a lot of chick lit but this is great! Shelved!

Monique O'Connor James
Jamais Vu

Ayrich wrote 1738 days ago

I know its cliche to say but, this broke my aversion to chick lit.

cara_ruegg wrote 1739 days ago

this is an enjoyable read. it made me LOL quite a lot. it is written brillantly and flows well. i enjoyed it. shelved.
-Cara

wainwright& priestley wrote 1739 days ago

Haven't got time to read this now, but like the look of it, so will add it to watchlist and hope to return to it later today

Paolito wrote 1753 days ago

LOL when she fell off the horse...your comedic timing is impeccable.

Interesting lists of pros and cons...not my experience, however. You probably do get into this later in the book, but here's my experience: no moodiness, no more PMS insomnia or feelings of insecurity, libido still pumped along for many years (now that I'm 63, however, not much interest, but I'm told that if the right guy comes along, it's like turning the tap back on...send him over, will you? I'm not dead yet), hot flashes in 3 bouts of about 3 months each over three years...the last bout was the worst...every ten minutes.Overall reaction? I'm free! Didn't do HRT because of family history.

I've known of early menopause but had absolutely no idea that it could be THAT early!

This is funny without being forced, no sense of self-pity, strong narrative drive (I want to read more) and I think it's an important topic. Shelved, of course.

Cheers,
Sheryl (In All The Wrong Places)

Shayne Parkinson wrote 1787 days ago

Kelly, I enjoyed this so much that I read all 15 uploaded chapters in quick succession. It's such a lovely blend of funny and touching. Sam's self-deprecating and ready to laugh at herself, but with a sorrow at her core that there's no brushing aside. Your characterisation is very good - you have quite a few characters, but they're so well differentiated that I never got them confused.

I've seen (though not experienced!) the phenomenon of an adult child whose parents never quite acknowledge that they've grown up, because they haven't married or had kids. You capture that very well.

I love the way you throw in clever little lines like Sam's tardis handbag. I have one of those, too :-)

I noticed a few typos, but was too busy reading to note take much note of them. A good nitpicking pass will find them, though. Speaking of nitpicking: Sam's father and Mr O'Connell are both called Pat, which could get a bit confusing.

Shelved.

rjladypunk wrote 1800 days ago

Brilliant opening line!!! Funny, and good language. I can see this working on a book shelf, and would certainly pick it up! Backed. xxx

emap wrote 1805 days ago

Hi Kelly, I just read the first three chapters and really enjoyed them. You've got a unique heroine with a strong voice. I loved the self-irony, the riding incident, and her parents truly seem charming. I guess Sam's up for some change in her life. Well done. Goes on my bookshelf.

Cheers,
Edith

mattrogers wrote 1808 days ago

I like your writing style, Kelly. Obviously I'm not the traditional chick-lit market, but I recognize good story-telling when I see it, and I have to commend you on tackling the genre with an original (at least I think it is) premise. There really isn't anything to criticize as far as the writing is concerned, it's just a matter of getting it in front of the right pair of eyes. Good luck with it.

Matt

mn73 wrote 1809 days ago

Nice, conversational narrative with a good idea at the heart of it, but perhaps you should move the menopause stuff in chapter 3 a bit nearer the start as it's a good, original hook for your novel. Sam is a great character, one many women will immediately identify with. Love the title. Best of luck with it.

Babyeddieuk wrote 1809 days ago

I love the instant connection you build with Sam - who hasn't felt rubbish on a monday morning, promised not to drink again then, one week later, been in the exact same situation! This is especially effective as she is such an unusual character, suffering from such an unlikely ailment, yet she is real and down to earth. A great start and I wish you luck!
Ed (Mutant Toe)

Katrina Twitchett wrote 1812 days ago

Hi Kelly,

I enjoyed what I read of this. It strikes me as the sort of book I'd happily consume on a sunny day in the garden. In my experience (limited of course), I think you may find that agents will ask you to make it funnier/quicker, but I liked it's gentle pace and quiet humour - worked really well for me.

centaury - I think you meant 'century'?

Wishing you luck as I pop on the shelf and wait for a sunny day.

Kat

TomW wrote 1815 days ago

Comments on Chapter 1 and 2...

It's a great voice for a character. Just be careful you don't go too far in trying to be funny with the asides; a lot of the humour is in the situations. I did laugh at the abrupt change of scene to the emergency room: what was left unsaid in that change of scene is far funnier than what could have been put in.

I'm interested in some sort of explanation as to why a 30-year-old is still living at home, but perhaps that comes later?

Chapter 3..

OK, the "fact sheet" works. Why not put it up front, or somewhere in the first chapter? It seems a bit out of the blue here, unless you are suggesting she writes this while she's laid up?

Chapters 4 and 5...

I'm starting to wonder whether your story is spinning its wheels. Since the hospital visit we haven't really gone anywhere (though I acknowledge the chapters are short). A lot of these two chapters doesn't really add much, whether in storyline or even characterisation.

I was also interested in learning a bit more about what she feels about being unable to have children. This is a real concern for a lot of women, who are merely deferring or struggling to get pregnant. For someone who can't, no matter how she tries, I'm sure it would be more of an issue than a tossed off paragraph. Perhaps she is at that point, but...

What about having someone accost her who hasn't seen her since they were kids? A conversation could start. Do you have kids? No. Why not? Blah, blah and so on. As a male in my mid 30's I used to get harassed about having no kids. My wife got it worse. People make judgements - you're selfish etc. Without the facts. This might make a good way of showing how she really feels about her menopause.

I only have time for five chapters, so if you cover these areas in subsequent chapters, I apologise.

Nevertheless, it's still good enough for a run on the revolving shelf.

Regards,

TomW

rghbahia wrote 1819 days ago

Having avoided chick lit with remarkable success, I was pleasantly surprised by this very entertaining story. I like the look in the mirror stuff and the ability to bring in tragedy (cancer) without making the stories tragic. Also very effective was the portrayal of life in the English countryside with farming and horses and outdoors and pubs as one of the central social places. The characters are symáthetic and you get the feeling tht you'd really like and sympathise with Sam. Good read, shelved.

Raydad wrote 1820 days ago

Hi Kelly. Very tight with good beats. Flows well and dialogue is realistic. I like your touches of humor--dad's "Build your own shed in 10 days" book. You know that relocation is gonna hurt--ouch. Witty, relevant and commercial. I'd say go for it. On my shelf.

Randy
(Buttermilk Moon)

The Marshal wrote 1821 days ago

I like how you refer to yourself as Samantha with the proverbial kick. The discourse has been engaging thus far. I like it. It’s lively and sassy. I love the first two sentences. However, “afternoon” is a bit bland. Something like sun over the yardarm or some saying that a drinker might use might give the narrative more style. Maybe something like “… every Sunday at the social drinking hour, or thirty or fifty minutes prior.” Something to give the narrative some punch. I really enjoyed Setius’s Two Pistols. That narrator almost never delivers a straight or normal line. Really keeps the interest. This is chick lit, that is guy lit.
I really like Sam and her sensibility. The second drug for good measure. The way she tells us about the riding adventure. She’s dry in some places and outright bold in others. Savy chick. Good work.

nillan wrote 1821 days ago

I enjoyed reading the first chapters of your book. Sam is a nice character with a lot of humor and life in her. The book is easy to read and makes you smile. I am putting you on my shelf!
Good luck!
Nillan

Rocky Lastinger wrote 1822 days ago

‘Bet she hasn’t sustained a break and dislocation before.’ Good line. ‘…at least there’s dad and bacon.’ Even better. Thought the fact check for menopause list was wonderfully done. Your writing voice is excellent, with many exceptional expressions.

Excellent narrative skills. Great descriptive phrasing, and the dialogue comes across as believable.

Noticed a few apparent typos, but because grammatical word usage differs so much from one country to the next, I no longer point out (what I perceive to be) typos. I’m here about the writing--not to point out typos or other (whose-who’s, which-that, who-whom, or whatever) errors. I’m a writer, not an editor.

‘I return to my indent’ indeed. That line is so … different. As is, ‘End of my hair or life in general?’ Send the caveman back to his cavewoman, by all means. Uh, oh--too late. She smashed his phone and erased the text messages.

‘I was breaking in a new stallion’--and of course it sails across his bow. Nice romantic tension development with Josh. Like the take this slow approach.

Final comment: I usually read 5-10 chapters and then do my review. I read all of this story because I enjoyed it - your storytelling ability kept me engaged and I wanted to see what happened. There is no greater compliment I can give a writer than this. Other than shelving it, which I also did.

kellymarie wrote 1822 days ago

Thank you for the good comments, the menopause and illness etc. comes a in a little more detail as the book goes on. I didn't want to bore the reader with it all so soon. I wanted to get the story going a little first. So glad you enjoyed it. The great thing about my book is that it appeals to men too! Kelly

Fun stuff -- you have a distinctive voice and style. I may not be a connoisseur of "chick lit," but I do enjoy good writing and this is good writing. You need a spelling and punctuation scrub (i.e., chapter 1: "regime" should be "regimen"; chapter 5, "...see young women..." should be "...see a young woman..."; and "We wonder around..." should be "We wander around..."), but other than that, not much to criticize. Maybe a little more back story on the childhood illness and subsequent early menopause (though I only read five chapters, perhaps you have more detail soon), but I like this and am shelving. Thank you for the opportunity.

vivalasbradleys wrote 1822 days ago

Fun stuff -- you have a distinctive voice and style. I may not be a connoisseur of "chick lit," but I do enjoy good writing and this is good writing. You need a spelling and punctuation scrub (i.e., chapter 1: "regime" should be "regimen"; chapter 5, "...see young women..." should be "...see a young woman..."; and "We wonder around..." should be "We wander around..."), but other than that, not much to criticize. Maybe a little more back story on the childhood illness and subsequent early menopause (though I only read five chapters, perhaps you have more detail soon), but I like this and am shelving. Thank you for the opportunity.

Cealarenne wrote 1824 days ago

Kelly,
Great start to your book. I'm afraid I'm slightly picky - no, I'm dreadfully picky so I'm going to make some comments. Please don't be offended, these are intended to help. So, here goes:

"Regime as you would in the city" is better.
I'm not sure what the comment about not indulging in bedroom activities refers to. Is it that there's not many of them, or is it that they've let themselves go. Give us a clue because I went back and read it twice. If you reader does that, you've lost them temporarily. If it happens too often, you lose them altogether.
Use Okay instead of OK.
"Um" I mumble, sounds wrong. She's faultering but there's nothing to go um about.
The part about understanding epidurals etc needs an extension to explain who wouldn't understand these things, because most thirty year olds with kids certainly would.
Take 'worriedly' out. Not only is it an adverb, it's an ugly adverb - and you don't need it.
"Not more members of family with" perhaps should have an 'a' in it.
"The whole population of the village are" should be 'is'
"The whole table exchanges" not exchange. This is because population and table are singular and you treat them as such.
They might exchange amused glances or smirks, but you can't exchange amusement.
Capitalize "So..." in "so is it just a holiday" or else bring it back to the previous paragraph.
You'd actually check the girth before mounting.

I know, it's picky. Your story could be so much better, but you need a good hard edit. Your punctuation and grammar need going over. There are a lot of places you need to end a sentence and start a new one, but you've chosen to put in a comma.

Try to put something into the finish of chapter one that leaves the reader wanting more. You've got a nice hook at the start and you need to hook again at the end.
Well, done, and if you don't like any of my advice, believe me, you don't have to take it. It's your book, your story.
Good luck with it,
Cealarenne

PATRICK BARRETT wrote 1825 days ago

Lord Dunno is right, we don't read enough chick-lit. I have enjoyed this and I don't remember one explosion or drive-by shooting! The characters are great and the humour is introduced naturally through them. On my shelf. Patrick Barrett (Shakespeares Cuthbert)

Martin Horton wrote 1825 days ago

Damn you! I still keep coming back to read this, and I really don't want to because of my pathetic male sensibilities. Grrrrrrrrr. Talent. And I hate you for it. ;)

Martin.x

John Booth wrote 1825 days ago

Great fun! And shelved. I had empathy for Sam right from the start and it got stronger as the story progressed

I would lose the sentence that self references the book in the first chapter. It will tend to put people off.
There are some minor punctuation errors, but I'm sure you will find them yourself in your next edit (I tend to add as many as I take out, it's what editors are for.)

All the best with this, it has real promise.
John

pat wright wrote 1825 days ago

Kelly, cant wait to read more !!!! Jeremy Kyle, This morning, Loose Women, Karaoke.....!!!!!Now your book, I will never get anything done!!!!!!!! Carry On Writing!!!!!!

Marie C wrote 1825 days ago

Kelly, great pitch and the writing is concise, clear and very funny. The pace keeps the narrative galloping along. Shelved. Marie C

Name failed moderation wrote 1825 days ago

Kelly,
Really enjoyed this so backed it. Read the first few chapters and really liked Sam. Looking forward to seeing what happens to her as it's clear big changes are afoot. Great title and cover. Blurb had me intrigued from the start. I thought the dialogue was realistic and agree that the references to everyday things are spot on.
Best of luck with this! You go girl!
Rona
"Under Stick on Stars"

Lord Dunno wrote 1826 days ago

You know, it's a shame guys don't read 'chick lit' in real life. This really is very enjoyable.It's funny and earthy and full of off the wall observations that really hit the spot. Love the pace and the way this flows and the little references to every day life... Jeremy Kyle, yuk! Angelina Jolie! Ha! Louise is a great character and I suspect you probably had more fun with her than anyone else. The bitches are always the best. Karaoke night... the snappyness of the fixing of the dislocated arm Accessorising with a sling. So many spot on touches add up to one really good read. I'm sure this is gonna go far.

VisionScript wrote 1828 days ago

Hi Kelly: I like the short paragraphs and easiness of the read. I might put the menopausal notes in a font to match the rest of the book, to maintain its balance. Here are my notes:

Bringing (the) rest of the family? and '(So is it just a holiday or are you all staying?'

This first chapter is a nice easy read. Charming. I like the O'Connells.

In second chapter, I would leave off still in: (still) engrossed in his copy of 'Build your own shed in ten day.' because it make the sentence less cliche.

I know one of the girls is pregnant. But when Samantha sucks in her muffin top, I wonder if perfectly form abdomen is referring to flat or highly pregnant. I suppose I need to go back and check.

I like how the doctor distracted her when he relocated her bones.

I like the chapter headings. That's the second mention of bacon. I'm taking the bacon out of the freezer. Be right back.

There you go with 'time' again. There were about four in the first chapter and right off the bat in chapter three I spot three of them. Hmm... No, make that five. Should Women be capitalized in Loose Women?

Sweetie, I think that's ten 'time's in that scene. I'd do a full manuscript edit for the word.

Soon to be available in Doctor's surgeries and gynecologists might need another word: offices? But I'm across the pond, y'know.

As a summary(:) menopausees.... What is HRT...oh...hormone replacement therapy. I'm real leery of that.

Is it love at first (sight)?

Oh, my heart sank for Sam mid chapter five. Oh, how thoughtless.

Is 'We (wonder) around the rest of the exhibition....a Freudian typo? I think, we wander....

I like this. I'm glad it moved into another direction away from Danny. I'll shelve this for a bit.

ChrisX wrote 1828 days ago

Hi Kelly
Me again. Here are my notes taken as I read:

* I'm a stickler for opening lines. In yours I'd recommend starting with: "I make a mental note not to drink on a Sunday. The same mental note that my brain tends to erase every Sunday at about five in the afternoon." This is interesting, different and intriguing. The casual reader will want to know more and read on!

* Like the switch in chapter 2 - "Oh." the fall is implied rather than told.

* Delete "I plead." towards the end of chapter 2 or cut "I shout."

* Chapter 3 - fabulous! Especially "Alternative therapies - do not work"

* Chapter 5 - "gorgeous" spelled "gorgeus."

* Chapter 6 - moving and clever. This shows real tallent. Able to make the reader comfortable about reading distressing things.

Well, what more can I add? There's a bit of punctuation to be tidied up especially when speech continues, but an editor can sort that. Overall it's a fascinating story and the MC is well drawn so that the reader can associate with her, feel her pain and joy. There are some good life-insights that add an additional deapth and I have no doubt that this will soon be published. On my bookshelf with pride.

ChrisX
(I Dare You)

ChrisX wrote 1828 days ago

Hi Kelly
Just about to read 10k words or so, but want to comment on your synopsis. If you leave as is, then in the last sentence split it, inserting "?" after pain. However the advice from HC is to write this liek the blurb on the back of a book. Imagine someone browsing i a bookstore. Make them want to open it and read your first paragraph at least.
ChrisX

Joanna Stephen-Ward wrote 1829 days ago

Hi Kelly,

Finally made room on my shelf for you.

Joanna

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