The Man Who Could Stop Time

hi raymond, I could not pass the pitch without having a look and was delighted to find this highly imaginative tale. It is well written, funny as well as deep and brimming with insight. You are obviously an accomplished writer who needs no instructions on how to improve. I still want to mention that I find the style, descriptions, dialogue and characterisations perfect for the premise. My favourite feature about your writing is the timing, absolutely superb. You know your stuff inside out and play a wicked tune. Destined for shelf.

Raymond,

Sorry it took me so long to get to this.

I've read everything you have up and am suitably impressed! You are a smooth, ecperienced writer who tells a great story with a neat, supernatural twist!

I am sorry that I won't get to know what plan Paul has in mind to "fix" this mess he had created.

The action moves fluidly, the characters display both good and bad traits--in other words, they seem like real people. The stopping of time is a great gimmick. I don't know if it would be usable in a series of not, but it might be fun to try.

Of course a lot depends on how the premise survives the whole plot. Having read the first five chapters, I believe that won't be a problem.

This is fun to read, a great entertainment, and it deserves to be on the shelf!

Ancient Reader

Just got through chapters one and two.

Overall I like it

You’re stile of writing is similar to what I normally read, so that helps. Love the spacing, normally I don’t have a lot of time to read things on my computer, but the sections in your story made it easy. I love time travel stories and mysteries so The Man Who Could Stop Time is a good fit for me. I would recommend another look at the title though. Tom seems to be as much of a main character as Paul and the overall story is more about the robbery then how it was committed.

I like where it’s going plot wise, you’ve already got me thinking about money trails and technicalities. What I would like to see more of are the characters. Paul especially hasn’t had any meaningful conversations. You’ve got good detail in the one scene in the past, but that’s through Pauls eyes. Give me a good conversation between him and Tom or Carla. That will probably give me a better idea of who he is. The same goes for the others to a lesser extent.

On to chapter 3
Keep on writing
~litra~

Well this book will certainly move up the charts quickly. I'm only at the part where the orginal bank robber is sitting in jail contemplating how this all happened. It's very well written and highly entertaining. You have quite the imagination..:) And you MC has a wonderful gift. Wouldn't it be great to be able to stop time? I don't believe I would rob a bank but I bet I would figure out a way to get my book published if I had that gift..:) Anyway, this definitely deserves a place on my book shelf. Now I'm off to finish reading the rest of this. I'm almost sure he is going to get caught but I can't see how they would ever be able to hold him in jail...:)
Shelved
Jan

The man who could stop time - Raymond, a catchy title and one that caught my eye eye immediately. The idea idea is also unusual and worked well too. Well, he is certainly in a mess after the robbery. I liked the explanation of using this gift in the past, this was placed well and included at the perfect time so it was part if the story. I also liked the voice and did empathise with the MC. Overall, enjoyable so far and you tell a great story. On my WL and high stars
Michelle - 43 Primrose Avenue

Interesting idea. I like stories like this. I like your writing, it's different but good. What I mean different it seems written more formally, but I don't think it was stiff. The flow was good. There was a problem on who was speaking. It appeared that the man who could stop time was the speaker, he kept saying "I," but then he was in other people's head, knew what they were thinking. That wouldn't be possible, so not sure about that.

Good job.

Abby

6 stars / watchlisted, waiting for a shelf spot

It's rare I'm impressed but I have to give you credit for an excellent opening, and maintaining it throughout the work here (often an idea runs for a chapter or two and then dies, thankfully you kept going for a little longer.)

I also like the very precise markers in the text, and suspect you would want it published without the chapter breaks - very much like a continuous journal?

Backed with pleasure.

How could you not like that pitch. Loved it. Best of luck with it. E.Loraine Royal Blood Chronicles book one

Your 15 word pitch hooked me and brought a smile to my face. I like your use of the first person narrative and your imaginative writing style sprinkled with humour makes your story a pleasure to read. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Hi Raymond , What a fantastic story. I'm sure all of us wish we could stop the clock, or time? The things we would change? Right? It is a good. well written, page turning novel! A few typos but nothing that can't be corrected? I like the Book and I BACK it! Harold Alvin(ICON)Wesley

Hi Raymond,

I have just read all 5 chapters and I'm gagging for more.
I have also read some of the previous commnent aand I can see that you have taken and applied some of the recommendations.
Paul comes across as vulnerable and quite stupid. Perhaps he feels his gift makes him invincible, especially after the episode in the playground.
Good pace, well written, backed with pleasure.

Phil
Danny Murphy

Wonderful start. Interesting. It pulled me along at a steady pace. A well written novel and I loved the humor in the voice. Backed. Good luck.
Jenny

Totally impressive! It's a smooth, delightful read, a story line I don't recall ever seeing before. This book earns a spot on my shelf.

L. Anne Carrington, "The Cruiserweight"

hi raymond, I could not pass the pitch without having a look and was delighted to find this highly imaginative tale. It is well written, funny as well as deep and brimming with insight. You are obviously an accomplished writer who needs no instructions on how to improve. I still want to mention that I find the style, descriptions, dialogue and characterisations perfect for the premise. My favourite feature about your writing is the timing, absolutely superb. You know your stuff inside out and play a wicked tune. Destined for shelf.

Raymond,

Sorry it took me so long to get to this.

I've read everything you have up and am suitably impressed! You are a smooth, ecperienced writer who tells a great story with a neat, supernatural twist!

I am sorry that I won't get to know what plan Paul has in mind to "fix" this mess he had created.

The action moves fluidly, the characters display both good and bad traits--in other words, they seem like real people. The stopping of time is a great gimmick. I don't know if it would be usable in a series of not, but it might be fun to try.

Of course a lot depends on how the premise survives the whole plot. Having read the first five chapters, I believe that won't be a problem.

This is fun to read, a great entertainment, and it deserves to be on the shelf!

Ancient Reader

The Man Who Could Stop Time...

Shades of Hiro in Heroes, but more believable, somehow. I love this story and I love the wry humour in it, too.

I only have one nit (too many adverbs, according to Noah Lukeman (agent) in The First Five Pages.)

Great stuff!

Shelved.

Cheers,
Sheryl
IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES (would love your honest reactions as soon as you can manage because I'm getting soooo close to the Editor's Desk and want to make my novel the best it can be before it gets there.)

I love the imagination that has gone into this. The fact that this is a fantasy/sci fi genre but yet you have made it a completely believable story. Your character is quite blasé about his gift and talks about it and describes it so matter of fact and naturally and I, as the reader, don't see anything out of the ordinary when he reveals that he can bend time to his will. It sounds like he just announced that he could sing opera. 'Tis a wonderful thing sir. Excellent writing, original plot. The time shifting idea has been done before but you manage to add something new I think.
I have backed you and ask for more.
Alex

Huge potential here, this would transfer into films or a cartoon. Very well written and hardto put down. On my shelf. Patrick Barrett (Shakespeares Cuthbert)

Well, J writing as Raymond. This is a fabulous book. I read part of the first chapter and it's on my shelf. I'll come back and read some more as soon as I have some time. Well done, and I wish you all the best with this.
Cealarenne
THE GUARDIAN OF LESSER THINGS

Good work, John. I disagree with much of Dale's critique - I think the changing POVs work quite well. In fact, I didn't even notice them (well, other than the change from 1st to 3d omni after the breaks). As for the "this isn't going well" type of remark, it is hardly being offered to tell the reader anything - it's done to provide some character to the MC.

I do wonder if the flashback story is a bit too long a diversion - it could probably be sniped and tucked to be a bit more efficient.

I'll be back to the courtroom scene shortly.

Dear Raymond,
Wacky, with an interesting story. I would, however, take another look at the first chapter. You've got quite a few different stories going on there. Perhaps stick with the main bank robbing story? And turn the others into ensuing chapters?
I also think you don't need the italicized set-up at the beginning. Hook the reader with the action, that's what seems to work these days. Cut the back story with Earl down severely, since it impedes the flow.
I enjoy your MC's breathless amazement as the events unfold. Keeps the work fresh and fun. Shelved.

Hello J.
This is well written fun. I love complicated plots and Paul has given us a spaghetti junction of possibilities. My only wonder, I suppose is why he doesn't stop time more often. I think if I had that ability I'd experiment a bit. It stops at a particularly interesting part in the tale. Why not post the next couple of chapters for us to see how/if he copes?

Shelved.

I note you say you want to know if a reviewer's story is well crafted and interesting. If you have time, perhaps you could let me know.
All the best, Scott.

Oh yes, what an ace story we've got going on here. It's like the TV show Heroes before it lost the plot. Loved the sequence with the bully at school and his revenge on him and the mob of onlookers and even the downside of the thing every Dad tells their son, stand up to bullies and they'll leave you alone. Our detctive is pretty on the ball too. We've got a great comic thrill spill here.

I'm really enjoying this so far. I'm completely unclear how books go up or down on this system but I really think this should be going the other way. Best of luck - Al F Blake

Just got through chapters one and two.

Overall I like it

You’re stile of writing is similar to what I normally read, so that helps. Love the spacing, normally I don’t have a lot of time to read things on my computer, but the sections in your story made it easy. I love time travel stories and mysteries so The Man Who Could Stop Time is a good fit for me. I would recommend another look at the title though. Tom seems to be as much of a main character as Paul and the overall story is more about the robbery then how it was committed.

I like where it’s going plot wise, you’ve already got me thinking about money trails and technicalities. What I would like to see more of are the characters. Paul especially hasn’t had any meaningful conversations. You’ve got good detail in the one scene in the past, but that’s through Pauls eyes. Give me a good conversation between him and Tom or Carla. That will probably give me a better idea of who he is. The same goes for the others to a lesser extent.

On to chapter 3
Keep on writing
~litra~

Hi RT,

Great concept for a story and I think you're onto something here. I've just finished up the first chapter, but so far I like the way you've laid the storyline out. The switch to third person caught me off guard momentarily (I think there was a POV switch in there when the teller faints, so be aware of that), but I quickly settled into it and it works well with your approach for the progression of events. Good action, like the way you break down how he halts time and then how it kicks back in (wish I could do that sometimes!), and his reactions to and feelings about having this ability. I do think the writing could be tightened up to keep things moving forward even more swiftly. So maybe just go through and cut out whatever is repeated, drop some of the internal thought, shorten sentences where possible. I hope that helps. Overall I really liked this and think with some trimming and polishing it could do well.

All the best,
Gemi

Well this book will certainly move up the charts quickly. I'm only at the part where the orginal bank robber is sitting in jail contemplating how this all happened. It's very well written and highly entertaining. You have quite the imagination..:) And you MC has a wonderful gift. Wouldn't it be great to be able to stop time? I don't believe I would rob a bank but I bet I would figure out a way to get my book published if I had that gift..:) Anyway, this definitely deserves a place on my book shelf. Now I'm off to finish reading the rest of this. I'm almost sure he is going to get caught but I can't see how they would ever be able to hold him in jail...:)
Shelved
Jan

I love this - it's quirky and funny. From the bank robbery to a playground beat-down - yes, I really like this. Great voice - you handle POV well - signal the reader when you are going to change it - very entertained. Shelved.

As I said earlier, I backed this one. Here's my reasoning: You have a good concept. You handle it well for the most part. The writing needs work and I'll get into that in a bit, but it grabs the reader and keeps them wanting to read more. At the moment you're something like 1200 in the rankings. I'm backing you not because I think this is ready to go onto the editor's desk, but because the potential is there for it to become ready.

So potential and a lot of it on the one hand. On the other hand there are issues that you'll probably want to get fixed. A lot of them are line edit things. Some are more important.

1) The teller needs a name. He's the point of view character for a scene so he's important enough to have a name and for that name to show up early.
2) I noticed some places where you paint a vivid scene and then go back and tell the reader something that the scene has already told them. Example: In the first chapter, paragraph beginning "The teller picture": (Minor typo btw. Should be pictured. No biggie. I didn't even notice it until I started trying to tell you which paragraph this was) More important: at the end of the paragraph you probably need to lose the "This was not going well at all." You've already shown the reader that. This poor guy has a shotgun sticking in his face. He's sweating like a pig. We already know this isn't going well. We also know that "The day was starting badly." (next paragraph down). Both of those sentences weaken the scene because they tell the reader something the reader has already figured out, and they do so in a weak way.
3) You need to tighten up some of your sentences, especially during action scenes. Example: at the end of the first scene: "He was no more than two steps from the door when time just stopped." That does the job, but this is an action scene so you want it to move fast. Short sentences convey the frantic activity going on. This says exactly the same thing but quicker: "He was two steps from the door when time stopped."
4) This is the 'on the other hand' section, but I do want to say that I loved the interaction between the lawyers and the courtroom scene. Based on what I've seen in courtrooms, you nailed it. Good job.
5) It may be absolutely necessary for your plot, but if not I would scale down the size of the purchases your time-stopper makes. Buying a $20k TV in cash marks this guy as 'Too dumb to live' in my book. I lost all identification with the man at that point. That may just be me, but I'm guessing you'll get quite a few other people thinking that way. It's hard to identify with stupid.
6) Watch head-hopping. If you can tell a scene from one person's point of view you'll want to do that. If he sees or thinks something it's fair game. If he can't see or think it, be very careful about having it in the scene. The first scene seems to start omniscient or in the bank robber's head, goes to the teller's head, and then ends with the teller unconscious and someone else telling the story. Some editors will ding you hard for that, so why give them a reason to?
7) Minor but nagging point: Somewhere in the last 3 chapters you say 'bust' where I'm pretty sure you meant 'busy'. I didn't write down where and I'm not going to dig through 3 chapters to find it when you can just do a find on 'bust'.

I want to emphasize that there is a lot to like about this story. Good concept. Good dialogue. Well thought out action scenes. You obviously understand the courtroom. That's why I backed it. But it needs work. Not ready for the editor's desk as is.

Backed. I'll explain why in a little while.

You got a good thang goin' here. Glad to watchlist it while I read more!

Thanks Janet!!!

Clever and unique. On my shelf it goes. Good luck. Janet Marie

Good idea for a story. The bank robbery was good, the way that you began the scene drew my attention. I like the way you have mixed the perpective from first to third. I don't think I have ever seen this done, that I remember, before but you have made it work for you. It also lends itself well to the way you tell this tale.