Hunter

Hi - I've had a read and so far, I am enjoying your book and I'm happy to back it for a time.

Jeanne (Dark Angel)

Sarah,

I don't have much time, so this won't be as detailed a comment as I would like, but I hope some of it will be helpful:

First, your strengths: You have a very interesting plot line. The whole relationship between the Hunters and the Lures is intriguing, though the MCs and the Gunslingers are much less developed. Also, the MC abbreviation really throws me, every time. I keep reading it as "main character." Ah well.

I also really like Cheyenne. I was surprised to find her as the bad guy... and I like the idea of the anti-hero. It's atypical, which is a good thing when catching attention.

Finally, great descriptions! You have some very vivid writing that brings this story to life. It kept me hooked and wanting to see what happens next.

Now, some critiques:

Your writing is very unpolished. You bounce between beautiful description and a serious vocabulary to slang phrases. I know that Cheyenne is very immature and this fits her character, but I personally try to separate the tone of the exposition from the dialogue. It makes the character stand out more and helps the reader to take you (and your story) more seriously. Some of these phrases (like "screwed herself over") just makes me think of my middle schoolers. While there's nothing wrong with them, you might want to make sure they stick to things Cheyenne is thinking or saying.

Also... you have a serious case of telling instead of showing. You've got a powerful plot... now you need to bring it to life. The reason your first chapter is so intriguing is because you show Cheyenne hunting her prey... don't lose that in later chapters!!! There are various scenes that would gain so much more strength if you just wrote them out as scenes, rather than long pages of summary. For example, don't tell me how Cheyenne joined a gang and it brought her to the Hunter's attention. Show me. Right now, I'm not convinced. Why on earth did she want to be part of the gang? Her parents seemed decent (you haven't shown me enough to think otherwise) so why did she run away? Why was she so determined to be part of a gang that she would basically throw herself away? There has to be some pretty good motivation behind these actions. Was she abused at home? Were her parents distant or disinterested in her? Was she just a spoiled kid who ran away and then didn't know where else to turn?

Also, if the gang was such an important part of her life, don't just breeze through this. Do a flashback, so that we can be in the moment with Cheyenne as she struggles to become a part of that group. It'll make her "boyfriend"'s betrayal more bitter if we know what she's gone through. Oh... and please give the "boyfriend" a name... the quotations thing is very distracting.

Final comment... try to make your explanations and background info as clear and concise as possible. Some of your explanations of the Hunters or the End of the World are very vague or jumbled... and they go on for a long time. You're likely to lose readers' interests if you leave it as such.

I really think you have a great deal of potential, both for this story and just for writing in general. Your ability certainly shines through. On that note, I will not shelve this at this time because it really isn't at the point where it should be on an editor's desk... BUT I think it can get there with some work. If you do continue to edit this, message me and I'll read through it again because I'd really like to put this on my shelf once it's had some fine tuning.

Good luck!

You said that Cheyenne was seventeen when she became a lure but later said she was sixteen. Other than what some one else already said and that one small inconsistancy problem this is quite good. I can see a lot of young people reading this. Though I do think you need to do a little more work on it before it is a its best.

Hi Sarah,

A good beginning that helps you stand out. I find the idea of broken pieces of the moon being in orbit a little unconvincing, good for an album cover but that's about it. Losing that paragraph might be an idea. The data dump that follows it needs breaking down and relocating. Never explain more than you absolutely have to at the beginning of a book. That's where you need to hook your reader, and your initial introduction does that sufficiently.

You're also narrating the story too much, not giving your reader any space to use their own imagination. You need to trust your words more. Justify them being there. Don't be discouraged, there is a good tale in here, it just needs bringing out.

Best of luck,

Dan