The Offensive

Dear J.E. Braun, No one who reads this will be surprised that 1984 is one of your favorite books: The Offensive is certainly Orwellian in its vision of the future, and your prose meets Orwell’s high standards. But that’s where the similarity ends: you have a far lighter touch—you’re playful (beginning with the title), ironic, and very funny.

Not to say that there’s isn’t a serious theme here: evils that currently beset us having become even worse. I especially like how you take on political correctness with a politically incorrect novel that includes a group of people struggling to become so, and I see from your pitch that these men and women behaving badly will be going on the offensive.

One thing that strikes me is that so many of your characters both resent having to be politically correct and fear the consequences of any lapse: it’s the guilty conscience syndrome, and these consciences have been shaped by a lifetime of conditioning. But still the urge or perhaps need to rebel proves equally strong—id versus superego, it seems, and then dissidents versus society. Exciting concepts.

This is an exceptionally intelligent, imaginative, and sophisticated novel--with writing to match. It should be published and soon: before our society becomes even more like the one it describes. On my shelf. Maria, The Pharaoh’s Cat

At last someone is discussing the horrors of political correctness. I´ve always thought PC is as extreme as non-PC, and have been lost in a blur, trying not to say this or that. Very difficult and confusing.

Your characters have been driven to extremes and, only by moving towards the opposite end can they survive.

Boy, do I ever relate to this book. Well done, J.E. My sincere support, 6 stars and shelved.

Elina
CLASH - A Novel of Extremes

JE: this is really a book for our times. I loved the swearing classes. Very well written, perceptive, funny and scary. Shelved. (I might add that I lived in Dubai for 13 years, where 'giving offence', especially to an Emirati, could easily get you a month in jail - examples of this include swearing (even 'bloody'), accidentally breaking wind, and common hand gestures. I kid you not.)

I'm not going to have a political debate here, but you've completely misread this. This is a mockery of the left's obsession with political correctness - at least when it involves silencing their opposition - how you can even think that's a phenomenon of the right, I'm not sure. . This is a commentary on how every 'cause' is politicized from both sides of the aisle - it's a cause when it's convenient and makes the politicians money. I will not go through the many many studies that point to man NOT being a cause of Global Warming (or Climate Change now...) or how we've been in a cooling trend for ten years and it's expected to last another 40-50 according to a University of Wisconsin - Milwaukee study, I will not go into the Australian studies that the left touted as evidence that antarctic ice is melting, but they conveniently ignored that the 44% larger East coast of Antarctica the ice is thickening and growing (I've read the reports). I will not go into the poor conditions surface temperature monitors are in (middle of asphalt parking lots with air conditioner exhaust blowing on them..I've seen the pictures and reports), I will not go into the recent core drilling of arctic ice that seems to suggest that higher carbon levels seem to TRAIL higher temperatures in history, not cause them.

This book is a satire of government injecting themselves into every aspect of our lives...that's leftist. If you enjoyed the writing, great..if you were looking for a skewering of the right, you'd be disappointed in the rest of the book.

Sounds like the christian lunatic fringe gone nuts!!

Love how you skewer the idiots who believe that environmentalism is some sort of horrible thing! Damn. What what would these mouthbreathers ever do without a planet? It's like a roomful of creationists telling us that the invisible skybeing put the bones there to test us.

Thanks so much for this hilarious spoof of the rightwing/wingnuts and their profoundly stupid belief that the environmentalist movement cares what people call each other. The whole politically correct idiocy perpetuated by the moronic right deserves to be debunked as you effectively do. May the goddess bless you!

Sounds like the christian lunatic fringe gone nuts!!

Love how you skewer the idiots who believe that environmentalism is some sort of horrible thing! Damn. What what would these mouthbreathers ever do without a planet? It's like a roomful of creationists telling us that the invisible skybeing put the bones there to test us.

Thanks so much for this hilarious spoof of the rightwing/wingnuts and their profoundly stupid belief that the environmentalist movement cares what people call each other. The whole politically correct idiocy perpetuated by the moronic right deserves to be debunked as you effectively do. May the goddess bless you!

A disturbing look at a futuristic society where political correctness has gone mad, but told with vibrancy and humour. This is a delicious satire which raises smiles and has a wave of originality running through it. The conversations between characters as they struggle to be politically correct are highly amusing. Shelved.

Dear J.E. Braun, No one who reads this will be surprised that 1984 is one of your favorite books: The Offensive is certainly Orwellian in its vision of the future, and your prose meets Orwell’s high standards. But that’s where the similarity ends: you have a far lighter touch—you’re playful (beginning with the title), ironic, and very funny.

Not to say that there’s isn’t a serious theme here: evils that currently beset us having become even worse. I especially like how you take on political correctness with a politically incorrect novel that includes a group of people struggling to become so, and I see from your pitch that these men and women behaving badly will be going on the offensive.

One thing that strikes me is that so many of your characters both resent having to be politically correct and fear the consequences of any lapse: it’s the guilty conscience syndrome, and these consciences have been shaped by a lifetime of conditioning. But still the urge or perhaps need to rebel proves equally strong—id versus superego, it seems, and then dissidents versus society. Exciting concepts.

This is an exceptionally intelligent, imaginative, and sophisticated novel--with writing to match. It should be published and soon: before our society becomes even more like the one it describes. On my shelf. Maria, The Pharaoh’s Cat

I like this. I really like this. It is well written, the dialogue is great. And what an original idea. Really made me think. Well done. Backed C.P

Totally original, and a great writing style.
Backed.
Mark

Ass Clown .... Marvellous! A well written and amusing look at PC gone mad. True, you have to suspend your belief in reality to be able to get in to it but isn't that what fiction is for?

As a founder member of SPAST (Society for the Protection of Anlgo Saxon Terms) I thoroughly approve of swearing classes although I am not sure that public transport is the place to hold them in 21st Century Britian.

Shelved!

manic, consequential, hilarious pisstake of pc mores

chris,, born christian--that bit is especially good, really funny

in the tradition of michael crichton, but with more of a humorous emphasis, you deconstruct one of society's more ludicrous aspects.. take the concept and run with it..

the idea of a secret sweaing class, complete with hugs, as a dangerously subversive act, is good, although it threatens to unbalance matters, stretching credibility as it does, and i wonder if it is the most telling (or should i write "showing") way of opening your satire? i would need to read on to see how well it fits with the ongoing development of you excellent book.

shelved for satiric attack and humour, a timely, uncomfortable concept executed with vim and zest..

i am backing this now and wish you well with it..

freddie
("honour")

I love novels with a message, provided that the author doesn't preach. You don't preach; you tell a story. Bravo. Shelved on that basis alone.

However, there's more good stuff. The dialogue works really well and the scenes (up to the end of c.3, which is as far as I've read, i.e., a partial) are structured well. Warren is a treat and worthy of spending time with.

A couple of nits: exclamation marks are out of favour with agents and editors even with imperatives (my grade school English teacher is rolling over in her grave, I'm sure.) And almost always avoid adverbs (Noah Lukeman's The First Five Pages.)

Fine writing despite the nits.

Shelved without a qualm.

Cheers,
Sheryl (In All The Wrong Places)

Ha. This is a brilliant idea for a novel. You open this book with two characters hurling insults at each other, and we soon discover they're doing it for fun! A society where PC is so strict, no one is allowed to offend each other is a disturbing premise, but you pull it off in a way that's also comedic. Sounds like you have a dark satire in the works. Very interesting. WL.

Dear JE,
This is extremely creative work, the idea of a PC society run amok.

Good opening, the words at war with intent. Suggest, though, if the namecaller is exercising little conviction, then substitute "Ron said" for "Ron yelled."
"If nobody has any questions": how about a simpler, "If there's no questions, we'll see you next week."
Ending of prologue reminiscent of: "The first rule of Fight Club is: you do not talk about Fight Club."
Fascinating idea about where the environmentalists have ended up – now they're everyone's janitors! As well as the concept of The University. All very creative.
Warren's voice has character, personality, strength. His thoughts are well-handled, no POV problems whatsoever.
Might be more expedient: "His crimson tone had faded to ash."
Offensive firing leads to rehiring + missed pay. Can I live here too?

This is the start of a work that crackles with intelligence, taking one potshot at society after another. Will be back to read more. In the meantime, Shelved.

Very interesting story and world we are entering into. Shelved and all the best,
Eric

The first rule of The Offensive is...

Yeah, good premise, good opening chapter...personally I would have preferred the tone of the following chapters to be in a similar vein as the first...but that's by the by. In short, I love the idea, the potential, and the execution was good. Warrants a spell on my shelf.

Good luck with this,

Craig

Comments on Chapter 1-4...

I did wonder where you were going with this, until I realised the lame insults were supposed to be lame (at least for the reader).

"Accepted and move on..." "Romantic fairness act". "Athletic equality". Getting that 1984 feeling here, Newspeak for the 2000's?

I like your concept here. One observation. I don't think you need to explain the back-story in quite as much detail to give us the idea. For instance, after you tell us every university is called "The University", you could leave it there. The same applies when you explain the Master Credit state sponsorship in Chapter 4. It's good, well thought out, but the reader doesn't need all the details. It's important for you to know all the ins and outs of your repressive society, but not for the reader. If it doesn't add to the story, or tell the reader something about the characters or plot, leave it out.

Nevertheless, I like what you're doing here enough to give it a run on the shelf.

Best wishes with it. If you have time to check out one of mine, that would be great, but no obligation.

Regards,

TomW

ass clown
on watchlist for this alone
will be back to see where it goes

I read CH1 and found the description between the dialogue seemed a little long. Then I read it again, more closely and it worked better in my mind. I still think that maybe a little editing of superfluous words in this section would serve to speed the flow and help latch readers in. From CH2 onwards, the writing does seem to become tighter. Good story. Backed.

-Jenny-

Hello, J.E.!

I really liked the book. "Fight Club vs Deat Poet Society" is the best description; ha ha!

Rich, full of suspense and hip, I'm shelving it for its originality.

Well done with this and good luck. Paranoia sounds good too!

Billie (A Matter of Life and Death)
XX

Hi J.E.,

I'm really liking this! I love your writing style. You have some colorful expressions and turns of phrase. And your premise is wonderful. I was drawn in from the pitch on.

I like that your chapters are short and to the pretty much to the point. You have a nice level of suspense going on.

Happy to give this a turn on my shelf.

Heidi
Turning Red

HI JE. I like the start of this, kind of like Fight Club meets Dead Poet’s Society. I just wish there was a POV in One. I read One and Two and Ten and Eleven. I like that these chapters are short and move along. Love the turn in Ten and Eleven, the List, and then the movement starting and Warren questioning if he can be a leader, and then excited at the prospect in the closing words. This is a lot of fun and easy to read. Great job. Cory

Hi J.E.! You have some very real characters on your hands in this book. Well done! The beginning starts harsh, and it certainly grabbed my attention, I wasn't sure about what I was reading. Thankfully it settled down and I'm glad I read on. There are some interesting things going on here. I'm so going to use "ass clown" from now on, although I'm afraid to know what it means. :) And "homoromantic"? Never heard that before. This book is futuristic if all 50 states have stopped outlawing same-sex marriage. Oh, and your visual story-telling style made this a quick read. Good luck with this work and your writing.

Michael
The Last Coming Out Story

Michael..Thanks SO much for the great comments... I'm glad you enjoyed it. As I was writing it and coined the term "homoromantic" I had this thought of the word catching on and one day sitting around saying,..um..yep, I invented that phrase. LOL. I am going to add your book to my watchlist and hope to get to it shortly!

Hi J.E.! You have some very real characters on your hands in this book. Well done! The beginning starts harsh, and it certainly grabbed my attention, I wasn't sure about what I was reading. Thankfully it settled down and I'm glad I read on. There are some interesting things going on here. I'm so going to use "ass clown" from now on, although I'm afraid to know what it means. :) And "homoromantic"? Never heard that before. This book is futuristic if all 50 states have stopped outlawing same-sex marriage. Oh, and your visual story-telling style made this a quick read. Good luck with this work and your writing.

Michael
The Last Coming Out Story

JE
What an easy read! You have a nice style that pulls us in and whisks us along. I read four chapters, enjoying your characters and the pc world you've created. I particularly like "Master Credit" as the "saviour". I did however wonder whether "Thank God" was acceptable. Perhaps "Thank Goodness" would be more appropriate?
Something to think about is the prologue. My advice would be to start with something that hints more at the plot rather than introducing the group. Give us some intrigue - after all this is a thriller and I like to be hooked before I'm landed.
On my shelf and wishing you every success.
Chris (I Dare You)

Hello JE - what a fascinating pitch. The whole underground movement thing reminded me for some reason of 'Total Recall', a total arse film that is lots of fun. Of course, not to say that your book is total arse. But certainly fun. I am being frivolous and hasty today, trying to catch up on all my 'owed's'. Nothng more to add after your first couple of chpts, except to say that you earned your shelf from the off: "ass clown". A new addition to my lexicon which shall be wheeled out at least once a day henceforth. Best of luck with it - sestius

This is an interesting concept but I think maybe you get a little too preachy up front -- I'd rather see what the world is like than to be told about it. And the first chapter seems out of place. It's like fight club but with insults? It's funny but seems a bit out of place at first. I wonder if maybe you didn't start in the middle of the "fight" but instead had someone sneaking into something, building suspense, and we all think it's something terrible and then it's just people hurling insults at eachother it might sort of set the scene for the whole thing better.

This is so fascinating I have to comment again.

Suggestions,
You could do a bit of work on the descriptions and settings.
Futuristic or illustrating your thesis.
If I were you I´d slip in some more obvious ironic humour, even more.
The changed swear words to make them inoffensive are fun, more please!
I suppose the heavy reality will show itself, sure you´ll have fun with the contrasts.

let me know when I can read more!
Lotsa deserved luck...................Mikey

JE,
Strangely enough, and I'm not trying to be insulting, this is classic (social) science fiction. What would happen if this goes on....?

I guess all of us have wondered what would happen if political correctness went any further than it has, and we all know the appeaser mentality that suggests that people are differently gifted and it was only an education that separates Einstein from little Johnny down the street.

You write very well and with great wit. I read the first four 'chapters' on here and enjoyed them all. It couldn't happen in England, of course. Our whole culture is built on class differences and they have just abandoned a child soccer scheme that limited wins to 6-0 so as to stop depressing the players of the loosing side. Banning soccer would, in itself, generate a revolution.

I'm putting this up on my rotating shelf for a while, because it made me laugh and made me think. What more could I want from a book?

Cheers

John

JE,

Almost a dystopian satire – excellent. Love the pitch. If there’s anything going to make me read a book it’s the combination of pitch, title and first four or five paras, and yours hits the bullseye. Patience has run out and someone makes a stand against a government that’s gotten its values lost in the mists of political correctness. Good concept.

Your characterisation, certainly in the sample I read, shows just how far a nanny state can sterilise us. The whole concept is so intriguing I want to read on, and because the writing’s so smooth and easy to read, I can. Your ideas come out in a natural flow and that shows a certain professionalism in your writing. There’s hardly a comma out of place (that’s often a subjective element anyway), the spelling’s spot-on and the punctuation in almost perfect. Ready to send out? Or already circulating?

Best of luck.

--Jack Ramsay (Brogan's Crossing)

After reading four chapters of this story, the plot takes shape in a gripping way that goes to portray Political Correctness at its pervasiveness. Your characters are rich and hilarious and you told the story in a smooth manner that took away the heaviness of the theme.

Dialogue and narratives are engaging, the plot is good and the setting rich. I am glad I shelved it.

All the best.

Janvier (FLASH OF THE SUN )

Nice work JE,
Clearly, a dystopian novel both Orwell and Bradbury would have been proud of. I honestly wanted more – which is always a good thing. The story is amazingly believable given our present preoccupation with political correctness. Your setting makes California’s “proposition hell” look like paradise by comparison.

I liked the title and your synopsis is consistent with the small portion of the book you have shared with us rabid readers thus far. I guess I will have to wait for the published version to find out what happens to Warren and Corrine, and Mathew and Nikki.

Now some nitpicking that does not detract from the flow or the engaging narrative that moves the story along nicely. At times, early in the book, there is disparity between the characters’ knowledge and their thoughts. For example, if the words were unfamiliar to him (Matthew) how does he know they were insults?

Well deserving of my shelf. Best wishes and continued success.

Rick

Hello there.
Just had a look at your brilliant entertaining book. Seems like a real world developed from this one. Great how you describe it and peoples psychology.
I certainly support it and will read and comment on more when I get an internet connection!
VERY BEST OF LUCK WITH IT..........MIKEY.

Hello there.
Just had a look at your brilliant entertaining book. Seems like a real world developed from this one. Great how you describe it and peoples psychology.
I certainly support it and will read and comment on more when I get an internet connection!
VERY BEST OF LUCK WITH IT..........MIKEY.

Hello there.
Just had a look at your brilliant entertaining book. Seems like a real world developed from this one. Great how you describe it and peoples psychology.
I certainly support it and will read and comment on more when I get an internet connection!
VERY BEST OF LUCK WITH IT..........MIKEY.

Oh I love a good argument - thanks for making it so entertaining. Looking forward to the rest!

This is intriguing and thought provoking. The premise becomes more possible every day. On my shelf to keep reading. Patrick Barrett (Shakespeares Cuthbert)

Oh wow, political correctness run amok! I've thought this would make a great story, I just never thought it through. Reminds me once of a conversation I had with a guy. He was upset at bigots. I said, wait, aren't bigots a minority? Well, yes, he said. "Well, then, you shouldn't discriminate against them", I said. I was only trying to be funny, but it totally threw him off guard.
Anyway, this is great. I love how you've turned society on its collective ear. Shelved.
Jeff

Three words. This. Is. Awesome. What are great idea for a story and right up my alley. Shelf.

Wow, what a cool story idea! I usually hate prologues and the ground they walk on, but yours was so interesting and fun that it actually made me want to read on. Good stuff, this book. You should be proud.

I'm shelving it, k?

Hey, JE. I know, I know... it took me long enough! I apologize for not reading and getting back to you sooner!

As I told you before, I love the premise of this novel. I am a woman who has a terrible penchant for saying what's on my mind... speaking first and thinking better about it after the fact. I also tend to be a bit scornful of the political correctness that is forced on us nowadays. Did you ever play cowboys and Indians when you were a kid? Now you can't even PLAY it, but you must refer to it as 'Cattlepersons and Native Americans!' We're getting ridiculous.

So this drew me in.

Nice job... I saw a few typos/punctuation mistakes, but nothing a proofread won't clear up for you. Happy to back you, and good luck!

Karen

Yeah, I think I can live with you putting it on your shelf. :) I actually began writing this early last year, but I had the basic idea around the time Don Imus was fired - watching all the circus around that and the increasing stranglehold placed on radio outlets (which is why radio plays such an important part in the book). The call for his firing by special interest groups (who were, by the way, noticeably silent recently when Jamie Foxx said 16 year old Miley Cyrus should do some heroin or make a sex tape), disgusted me, and the book was born.

Corrine and Warren are two of the three main characters..you'll meet Matthew shortly...and his view on the whole thing is even different than theirs - somebody who has lived by the rules and is just discovering the secret meetings.

I look forward to hearing more as you make your way through it and will take a look at those first two chapters as you mentioned..

Yeah, I think I can live with you putting it on your shelf. :) I actually began writing this early last year, but I had the basic idea around the time Don Imus was fired - watching all the circus around that and the increasing stranglehold placed on radio outlets (which is why radio plays such an important part in the book). The call for his firing by special interest groups (who were, by the way, noticeably silent recently when Jamie Foxx said 16 year old Miley Cyrus should do some heroin or make a sex tape), disgusted me, and the book was born.

Corrine and Warren are two of the three main characters..you'll meet Matthew shortly...and his view on the whole thing is even different than theirs - somebody who has lived by the rules and is just discovering the secret meetings.

I look forward to hearing more as you make your way through it and will take a look at those first two chapters as you mentioned..

J.E. -

I'm through the first two chapters (incl. the prologue), and here's my thoughts.

If you don't mind my asking, when did you write this? The satiric attitude you're showing toward paralyzing political correctness feels very much like it comes from the mid to late 1990's, but as all things seem to come back around again, it feels fresh again in a "new era" of paralyzed news media. I applaud you for this.

I'm guessing that your professor and Corrine will be your central characters, which seems a perfect match: he secretly rebels against mandated politcal correctness, while she lives between the lines and tries to force her thoughts to follow. Add to that the paranoid environment of government-regulated touchy-feelyness, and it works surprisingly well.

If I might suggest anything ... and this is odd, coming from me, I'm usually asking folks to cut chapters in pieces ... I might recommend combining the first two chapters. Both of them strike me as being awfully short, and I actually think, from a reading standpoint, it might be more interesting to keep the contrasts together in an individual chapter, and continue with that sort of pattern.

Well done commentary. I'm sorry, but I've got to put this on my shelf. Is that ok?

Don A. Martinez
(The Advance Guard)

Thanks!!

Further to my comments a few days ago this is now on my shelf.

Joanna

Thanks! I'm going to check out your book as well...will be added to my WL shortly...

Keith, I was actually reading your first story and commented while you read mine, I guess. This is supposed to occur a few generations from now. I don't actually specify that anywhere in the story..but leave it up to the assumption of the reader..depending on their view of the world, it could be today, it could be tomorrow, it could be a generation from now. It is long enough to have had the constitution warped which I feel we're living every day now. And yes, Bush was a big spender, but I don't see it getting any better! To me, I feel like I see life imitating my story with each day that passes. Scary. Thanks for backing...I'm adding yours to my shelf!

J.E.,

I just read three chapters and it reads well, fast, good dialogue, chapter endings and great characters. On a technical note you probably should put your chapters higher up on the page, farther away from the opening sentence or dialogue. What time period is this suppossed to be anyway? And what country? Because if it's America, the constitution must be gone, huh? I'm well aware of government excesses; after all, George W. Bush just gave it to us, in spades for eight years, but he's gone now. Anyway, I think it's a well-written story and I'd read on just to see what period it is and what happens; although I think you should divulge the time period sooner than 3 chapters. Well, it's definitely good writing and I put it on my shelf and would only ask that when you read mine you would send me any dialogue you have also.

Peace,

Keith G.

This has an interesting premise. I was drawn in to read on. I have to say first, this is well written - it's pacy and original. And what I find most worrying is that it could all come true! You have taken this subject and made it so intriguing to read about. I can feel the tension building subtley, the edginess increasing as it should with a good thriller. I'd like to see this do well here, it deserves to be read. In some ways it's so extreme but in others ways it's frighteningly possible. This is a good read and it's on my revolving shelf spot.
Bests,
AnnabelleP
(Adelaide Short)

Thanks...yes, grinding my teeth on a daily basis is a good way of putting it. Believe it or not, I began writing this a year and a half ago...inspired by the hypocrisy I saw in some of the things happening in radio...which is why radio ends up playing a big part in this book. Thanks again for the kind words..and the bookshelf. :)

BTW, I think there's some satire to keep it light, but a hopeful message for the future as the book goes on...so, I think we'll be okay with readers getting depressed! :)