The Burden of Humanity

So far, after four chapters, this is a well-observed study of young people training to do battle against a mysterious horde of robots. The dialogue sounds very natural without being inscrutable, the writing is confident and with minimilist but precise description. The MC is very distraught throughout what I've read but we see the subtle evolution of his thinking and, by the end of four, even the establishment of some possible friendships.It's interesting that we are so close to the thoughts of this character and there's a nice balance between that and the action, which is amazingly well written. It's the sort of thing I struggle at so I'm always impressed when someone writes a good fight scene of any sort.
You do a good job, as well, at creating a sense of mystery about the blade technology and the nature of the metabots. I'm just as uneasy about both as the MC is.
My only note is that the chapters are very long and each covers a lot of ground. The writing is up to it, though, especially in chapter one, which has a breathless pace. I'm just wondering if breaking up into clearly delineated scenes would save some bridge paragraphs and create more drama and suspense, giving the reader a break to ponder what has just been described. The reader will take those breaks anyway so an author might as well manipulate the reading experience by determining where they occur.
I think this is a very marketable property and is pretty well polished over all. I'll be reading more.

Hi Jared,

I was planning on reading about 3 chapters and commenting, but now I'm hooked and want to read more! I've completed 5 chapters and will be reading chapter 6 today. For being a Sci Fi junkie I initially thought the idea of robots attacking and kids fighting them wasn't the best, but you sold me on this idea with your story. It has a great flow to it and the characters are very well crafted, the despair Markus feels was clearly told, although perhaps a bit repeatedly at times in my opinion. The story also took a few chapters to get into, but now it seems like each chapter is better then the one before it.

Your work seems very polished to me, though I'm probably not the best editor around here. I think I focus on flow, which your story excels in, great pacing and there wasn't any point where I stopped and asked what the writer was trying to explain. I like where the story is going as well, I can't wait to read more!

I did find one spot where I wasn't too found of. In Chapter 2: Trapped

The group went down to the area where they had had the weapons demonstration the previous day...

I think having two had's in there doesn't sound good. It made me pause while I was reading it. Just something to think about. Take care,

Art

Hello Jared,
Sci is not among my top list of genres, but you crafted a very enjoyable story on a very fascinating premise. You wrote it in a confident and engaging manner whose outcome is a smooth flowing story with a believable ring in it that for a while made me feel I was reading a true to life story. Very enjoyable and fast-paced. Rightly shelved.

All the best.

Janvier (Flash of the Sun)

This is a book that grabbed me right away. From the pitch through the first four chapters I have read so far. I can relate because you talk about subject matter that is important to my own psyche. You express the intricacies of our human foibles expertly, and explore and weave the information effortlessly in the story with aplomb. As it develops I am confident I will relate to and enhance my own viewpoint on human frailties, so I look forward to reading more. Its premise of "what it means to be human" reminds me of my own book to some degree. Glad to shelve this interesting work.

I have to say I like this idea. Very clever. Your writing is excellent also as it flows along smoothly. You carry your scenes very well and your descriptions are top-notch! Shelved!
Tammy
The Chimney Still Stands

This is very good first chapter. It develops your character Markus a lot. I so liked seeing that your MC was homeschooled. You caught my eye with that, so COOL.
Your plot is fresh and creative. You have a really great flow to your story and character.
Very well written so far.
Good work!

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

you have gotten some good feedback that should help your strong foundations with the book. this shows much potential for ya and has good undertones.
j
what every woman should know

This is an update to my first comments. I have gone through all 29 chapters. They story is immersive, war like saga that reminds me a little of Joe Haldeman's Forever War, except I enjoyed your story more as it seemed to me to have a lot more action. The battles are very exciting and I never know how its going to end. My favorite was at the end of Chapter 28, it really made the reader's (me) juice flow, very intense battle, great emotional war like writing. Unfortunately some of the battles in the middle of the story do feel a little bit repetitive. Otherwise the struggles young Markus goes through are great to follow. From his personal questions about what is going on, to finding out about the attackers, to the losses he surfers throughout the battles, to the stress which almost makes him crack, and... well I don't to spill all the beans to potential readers, they'll just have to encounter this epic story for themselves. Also the editing is very polished. To summarize yea it's a lengthy endeavour but definitely worth the time invested, I'm thankful I got to enjoy this.

So far, after four chapters, this is a well-observed study of young people training to do battle against a mysterious horde of robots. The dialogue sounds very natural without being inscrutable, the writing is confident and with minimilist but precise description. The MC is very distraught throughout what I've read but we see the subtle evolution of his thinking and, by the end of four, even the establishment of some possible friendships.It's interesting that we are so close to the thoughts of this character and there's a nice balance between that and the action, which is amazingly well written. It's the sort of thing I struggle at so I'm always impressed when someone writes a good fight scene of any sort.
You do a good job, as well, at creating a sense of mystery about the blade technology and the nature of the metabots. I'm just as uneasy about both as the MC is.
My only note is that the chapters are very long and each covers a lot of ground. The writing is up to it, though, especially in chapter one, which has a breathless pace. I'm just wondering if breaking up into clearly delineated scenes would save some bridge paragraphs and create more drama and suspense, giving the reader a break to ponder what has just been described. The reader will take those breaks anyway so an author might as well manipulate the reading experience by determining where they occur.
I think this is a very marketable property and is pretty well polished over all. I'll be reading more.

Hi Jared,
Burden of Humanity is an interesting Sci-Fi thriller, aimed at young adults. Like it a lot. It reminds me a little of Robert Heinlein's book "Starship Troopers", because just like the main character in that book, Markus is young, innocent and also drafted as a soldier to save the world from alien robots, etc.
The concept of these MP short swords is also good. I like the explaination that the swords work most efficiently when wielded by younger people. Talk about training child-soldiers!
I wish you would elaborate more on the fallout from the impact - you only mention a few things in passing. I think (IMO) an impact the size of France and Spain would have sent shock waves of destruction throughout Europe and the North Atlantic, (i.e most of the Mediterraniean coastline and the British Isles would have been wiped out by super-tsunamis after such an impact, and the US East Coast would have suffered as well, if you know what I mean). Perhaps you should limit the size of the impact, say somewhere in the Pyrannies between France and Spain. I didn't get as far as what happens next and what the aliens want on the Earth (food, fuel, natural resources, girls, etc)....
I recommend you to cut chapter one into two or more chapters; readers need to absorb all this info in bite-sized chunks. Chapter two should begin the next day when Markus arrives at this base with the other teens and receives his first briefing with the others with Crammer. Chapter three should begin with the first metabot attack, without any training from the teens, etc.
I can imagine that there might also be a darker motive behind this alien war, but that would be reserved for Markus and his friends to find out, etc.
Good plot. I think you need to shorten on the info-dumps and add a little more dialogue with the teens and so on.
It could work out well.
Backed - again.
All the best
Kirk

I wish there was more stuff at the school though

I kind of do too, if only for the sake of balance, but the school scenes are really only there to provide a contrast from the military lifestyle. However, that setting comes back in a big way for Chapter 18; I'll try to get that up ASAP.

Though about half way through I wish you would have wrapped up the battles a bit quicker as it was slowly getting a little repetitive, well until deadlier toys were introduced.

That was my worry, and I see now that it was justified. Chapters...I dunno, 8 to maybe 15 are kind of a lull in the story, but I'm not sure what to do about that right now. I will tell you that everything should be improving from here on out (as you've probably seen hinted at in the story).

I hope I don't sound negative because I really enjoy this. I'm just trying to nitpick.

Nitpicking is good. Nitpicking is what I need. If there are no glaring errors, then I definitely need to know about the more subtle ones. Thanks for your criticism.

And what these metabots really are...hmm I've got some ideas but won't post here :)

That revelation comes in Chapter 20. You're close.


I left you a message to this effect, but I'll say it here anyway: Thank you so much for continuing to read through my story. Too many people stop after a chapter or two, and I think (as I'm sure any author does) that they're really missing out as a result. I'm glad you kept going, because criticism on the later parts is what I need most now. Thanks again.

Went through all 17 chapters, its a complex and interesting story. I enjoyed when Markus went postal in a way, his darkness was well brought out. Most writers don't make the main character a complete asshole, so I enjoyed that aspect of it. And the progress of moving him back to good guy status. I wish there was more stuff at the school though, after the "fight" most of the school moments were let downs. The battles with the metabots were getting more difficult, I enjoy when more prominent characters got killed/injured as it brought a sense of urgency in way. Though about half way through I wish you would have wrapped up the battles a bit quicker as it was slowly getting a little repetitive, well until deadlier toys were introduced.

I hope I don't sound negative because I really enjoy this. I'm just trying to nitpick. Great job, looking forward to additional chapters and how this all wraps up. And what these metabots really are...hmm I've got some ideas but won't post here :)

The grammar, editing etc. was great throughout, I've only caught a few silly mistakes:

Chapter 7
Markus shook his slightly in silent opposition, but Kurt had suddenly brightened as he realized he had news for Markus.
Missing a 'head'?

Chapter 9
There are are no more of those slow, lumbering hulks that you're used to; your opponents this battle are both fast and deadly.
double are...

Chapter 10
"It's pointless trying to train if you do have the skills or energy for it," Alessa replied.
Assuming you meant to say 'don't'

Hi Jared,

I was planning on reading about 3 chapters and commenting, but now I'm hooked and want to read more! I've completed 5 chapters and will be reading chapter 6 today. For being a Sci Fi junkie I initially thought the idea of robots attacking and kids fighting them wasn't the best, but you sold me on this idea with your story. It has a great flow to it and the characters are very well crafted, the despair Markus feels was clearly told, although perhaps a bit repeatedly at times in my opinion. The story also took a few chapters to get into, but now it seems like each chapter is better then the one before it.

Your work seems very polished to me, though I'm probably not the best editor around here. I think I focus on flow, which your story excels in, great pacing and there wasn't any point where I stopped and asked what the writer was trying to explain. I like where the story is going as well, I can't wait to read more!

I did find one spot where I wasn't too found of. In Chapter 2: Trapped

The group went down to the area where they had had the weapons demonstration the previous day...

I think having two had's in there doesn't sound good. It made me pause while I was reading it. Just something to think about. Take care,

Art

Ch 1:
So far, a very interesting story. I will try to comment on more chapters at a time after this one. It was a longer chapter than the others seem to be and I'm being cut short by family things.

I'm not good at finding content errors, just typos and such, but I found a few of those.

"As he stepped outside, he was greeted (was) a sight that he had missed..." was should be with?

"one by one" needs hyphens: "One-by-one"

"We do know that it wiped out (the) most of the populations..." just an extra word from when you changed what you were going to write.

Will be reading on :)
Jen (LaSombra)

Hello, Saw your message inviting me to read and thought I'd check it out. It's now on my WL. It's behind a few other ones on my WL, but I look forward to reading it :) Just wanted to let you know.

Jen (LaSombra)
The Summoner

- The Burden of Humanity -

(Based on chapters 1-3)

I am not normally a reader of sci fi so, to be completely honest, I was suprised at how much I enjoyed this. The story feels very much like an original one. For me, this was set up instantly by the setting, beginning in Switzerland and moving to Germany. An unusual move for a writer from an English-speaking country and one that immediately drew me in.

I enjoyed the mystery of what was going on at first, Markus not really knowing what was happening to him. And then we get into the action with some exciting battle scenes. I should note that I would have expected the first chapter to end upon Murkus finding out what he was in for then going into training in the following chapter, rather than going straight into the fray. The pacing seemed a little too fast for me there. Just my opinion though.

The characterisation was good too. I liked how the more sensitive side of Markus was drawn out by the contradiction with those cadets who found the battles etc fun and something of an adventure. Then we have that strange moment for him in chapter three where he begins to enjoy himself, showing there is some bloodlust in him after all. I particularly liked how Carina was sketched in chapter three. She was immediately endearing and as the reader I was hoping that she would develop into an important role in the story.

Some nitpicks/suggestions

-Once you have set up a past perfect context by using a 'had done' verb, you can switch back to the past simple tense. Using 'had' again and again can impede the flow for the reader due to that feeling of repitition.

........In chapter one, the past perfect context is set up by, 'Until not long ago, things had been great for Markus'. The 'hads' continue throughout the following paragraphs but can be removed as the time context has already been established. So 'He had lived in his mother's house' can become 'He lived in his mother's house' and so on.

- Chapter two, 'Yes sir' should be 'Yes, Sir.'

- In chapter three, the battle was good but for me it ended a little abrupbtly. I would have liked a little more detail. What the metabots looked like, how they moved etc.

These nitpicks are just my opinion and I'm a novice as a writer so I make no claim to being right about any of them.

Overall, I found this an imaginative and well crafted story that I enjoyed reading. I would have gone further had I the time.

Best of luck with it,

Ross

Hi Jared,
Ok, five for five. The following are my observations of my read of the first five chapters of The Burden of Humanity.

...

In conclusion, I like the book so far and want to see how the plot and story advances in the following chapters.

Well then, how about another 5 chapter tradeoff? I think we both expressed a similar feel in our comments of "My impressions may be wrong, since I only read this much, but perhaps additional reading will change that." I agree with your criticism, and I admit that my first chapters are some of the weaker ones. (If I recall correctly, there's another weak point around Chapters 10-12, but that's a section for another time.) The reason for this is simply that I planned the story as a whole well before writing any of it, and the interesting points that I wanted to hit on had to be built up to.

Chapter 6, in my mind, is where the story really gets going. New equipment is introduced, new bases and factions of the HDF become apparent, and several characters get a good deal of development. The pace and scale of the story increase as it goes on. Obviously, that's a bit of a shortcoming on my part, in that the chapters people are most likely to read are the slow ones, but that's what editing is for.

Anyway, I appreciate your input, and if you have the time to exchange reads for another five chapters, please let me know.

Thanks.

Jared
The Burden of Humanity

Hi Jared:
As a further follow up, I was troubled that the story seemed to move sideways in the third or fourth chapter. Possibly a way to fix this would be to insert information that hints or explains what happened in the countries that were obliterated. Another option is to begin to reveal why only the children were selected to go into battle. Maybe you need to do a little of both to substitute for material where the plot slides sideways. Just a thought.

Jerry

Hi Jared,
Ok, five for five. The following are my observations of my read of the first five chapters of The Burden of Humanity. My first observation is probably true of most manuscripts and that is a proof read/rewrite is generally a good thing. I mean this in a few ways. First and probably most important the book needs to be proofed by looking at each topic introduced, reaction described, or conclusion drawn to see if it truly adds something necessary; moves the plot along, sets up a future event or conclusion, or provides really necessary insight on the character. It seems to me there are passages that while they provide information, they are really not essential to what is going to happen or what you need to know about a character. I think readers want a tight book where everything is important to the story and it moves along smartly.

My second observation is that you need to clarify what Markus is feeling, elaborating on why he is feeling something or how it relates to the future plot. An example of these points is the following passage, "Markus spent the next several hours exploring the surrounding area. Happily it seemed that they were on the very edge of the city proper, and most of his exploration took pace in and around the nearby river and forest. It was a very satisfied Markus that returned to the flat that night." What is puzzling about this is that it either does not need to be said, in other words it is irrelevant to the rest of the story, or you have not provided enough information for us to get its relevance. Why was he happy they were where they were, why did most of his exploration take place in and around the nearby river and forest and why was he "very satisfied" when he returned that night. In this case you should explain the relevance, delete the passage or modify it to make more sense. A more minor example of editing is where you say "Markus took a deep breath and released it." You should delete the "and released it." The reader will assume he released it. Or near the beginning when you said "...leaned his head against the window of the train car." Delete "car" because the reader will assume it and it doesn't add anything.

I hope you do not fall victim to a feeling I have had from time to time which is when I worried about the length of the book and was repeatly tempted to add superfluous material to lengthen it. Tell a tight story and the length will take care of itself.

A few times the characters repeat the same thing too often. For example, Markus recalled the battle and shuddered too often. "All the suppressed memories from yesterday came rushing back to him, and a sort of fear filled his mind." He also asked "Why me?" once or twice that was not necessary. Also, between his first and successive interactions with the girl who was not going to be a warrior and was too happy without knowing how bad things were going to get, several weeks passed and she still had no clue. This is not realistic. She would have found out what was going on progressively in the interim. This would call for you to modify the second major interaction so, for example, she comments on how she had no clue the first time they met and he rejoins with an appology for "being so hard on her."

Somewhere in third or fourth chapter, I felt the plot seemed to go sideways rather than moving forward. The battles seemed too similar with not enough that was new. Even when you introduced the battle where the metabots had guns that was not a surprising enough or exciting enough change. I think it is important for the story and the main character to advance to a higher role or awareness. Novelty and new and surprising challenges need to occur often to keep the story engaging and moving forward.

On balance though I think you do a great job of getting the reader into the story. You did a particularly good job of getting the reader into the middle of the battle and letting them feel those situations with Markus. The plot seems sound and the Markus character emerges as a unique identity. In fact, I like most of your characters and I think you do a great job portaying the interactions between the characters and their motivations. I find them very realistic. Frequently there is a brilliance in how you say things that is striking. An example is when you say "...but they were treated as machines that had to be maintained rather than humans that needed to be healed." Or, "and collapsed metabots dotted the terrain like cicada shells in the summer."

In conclusion, I like the book so far and want to see how the plot and story advances in the following chapters.

Regards,
Jerry

Hello Jared,

I find the pitch of your book connoting the attempts by mere man to shoot at the particles in space in order to deflect away any that may be moving closer to the and such the may hit it and cause havoc.

Bravo.

JULIUS B [Destined to Triumph]

Okay, here are some comments that I think would help strengthen your story. These are my reactions and impressions, so take from them only what you think was actually insightful and helpful and don’t worry about anything where I’ve obviously missed the point of something and you think it’s pretty clear. For example, I’m an American and have only been to Europe once, and I have a hard time imagining a kid travelling by himself on a train between countries out there—but maybe it happens all the time and that’s just my bias. Follow your instincts—you know what this book is about better than I do. :-)

First I’ll give you a summary. I read the first part of chapter 1 and skimmed through other parts. I like your overall premise, and I thought the opening paragraphs were good—the descriptions of him looking out the window and his reminiscing thoughts were pretty clear—and it presented a good opportunity for some background. Overall I have a hard time telling whether Markus was abducted (by the government or no) or whether he was chosen as a select few and knows something about what’s going on because the security measures made on getting these kids to the right place don’t quite fit. A lot of the young man’s reactions feel unnatural as well. Also, overall I feel like this chapter is very long because you’ve tried to “tell” us a lot of Markus’ impressions instead of “showing us.” I think if you go through and trim some of that, it will help keep me in the scenes and the story should flow a little faster and better.

Specifics:

The words: “The questions remained, but for the time being everything seemed normal again.” feel out of place. If everything has gone back to normal, then why would something abnormal happen again (where some random stranger shows up to take Markus)? If everyone were still anxious about the strange disaster that has occurred, it would make sense that the government has come to kindly take Markus away. If everything is back to normal, you might expect the government to burst through the door in the middle of the night and take Markus out of his bed. Either that or his mom would just say, “I don’t know who you are! Go away!”

“Then came the previous night, and everything had gone wrong again.” Redundant? Maybe go to the end of your forth paragraph (or into the beginning of your fifth paragraph) and cut the rest up to the part where the two guards come to get Markus. That part doesn’t quite fit.

If guards came to pick Markus up, then why is he travelling on the train without an escort? I mean, they came to the door of his home to take him away, after all. Did they drive him to the station and tell him what to do from there, maybe? I’m missing some detail that would expand on this a little more for me.

Also, especially when he arrives, it seems like men in uniforms should be right there directing people or picking people up if nothing else. Here, Markus “shrugs” and we get a detailed description of the shops and the lovely glass ceiling as though, if he wanted to, he could grab some ice cream, do a little shopping, and jump right back onto the train and go someplace else—no one would care. Try to focus your details to make sure we get enough to be alerted to the environment, but that the snapshot also fits the mood of what’s going on with the main character. Also, if Markus isn’t special enough to travel with a personal/group escort, it seems like there should be lots of people evacuating off of the train with very few who are just travelling and mulling around for other reasons. Is Markus’ “evacuation” special (for him and a select few) or macroscopic (involving hundreds or even thousands of others)? It isn’t clear to me which, and it doesn’t quite make sense that this is an evacuation Or that Markus’ situation is special. It just feels ‘weird,’ for my gut reaction. Try to decide which.
If it’s special, maybe he’s travelling on the train with a small group/by himself along with a couple of people in uniform, and he gets to know some of them. If it’s a true evacuation, everyone else on the train who’s not part of it will likely have been alerted to the fact that the train is stopping at an evacuation point, and there should be lots of other people on the train going where he’s going. There may or may not be people in uniforms on the train at that point as well—but my guess is that there’s one or two sitting somewhere in the same car.

*I think it’s clear that the government was involved long before Markus saw the military vans. Otherwise, why in the world would his mother listen to a couple of random people belonging to an organization she didn’t know about and send her son off with them by himself?! I think she would say “No way! Leave before I call the police you crazies!”

*We also know that something big was happening long before this—there was a natural disaster, and they decided to evacuate the kids. It feels weird/unnatural for him to suddenly realize this as he’s walking up to the van.

With the paragraph “Markus climbed into the back of the vehicle,” we get lots of flat descriptions of how all of the other kids “look:” apprehensive, worried, eagerly, intensely, completely (lots of adverbs). Try integrating descriptions of what they look like and what they’re eager, excited, intent, etc. about in particular into the MC’s impressions. Maybe two dark-haired boys are going around introducing themselves to everyone, or they’re teasing this one kid with blond hair and weepy blue eyes who just looks terrified and won’t talk to anyone, etc. This paragraph needs more “show,” (“show, don’t tell” :-)

Why isn’t anyone at all talking during the ride a couple paragraphs down? Wasn’t there one kid who was eager and talkative before? Why does he suddenly not want to talk? Maybe he decided to keep quiet after no one responded to him, or someone told him he was annoying, or someone shot him a cold look?

It seems like this kid should really know what he’s getting himself into—they would have informed him; or there would be lots of kids there that they’re trying to help and no one knows what’s going on because it’s all kind of spur-of-the moment, even for the receptionist; or the security would be tighter and they wouldn’t be told to just “do whatever they wanted” and be trusted to come down for a meeting. It feels like a summer camp or something, and it still isn’t quite clear to me whether this is an evacuation, an abduction (government or no), or a group of kids who are getting special treatment for some reason.

That’s a lot to get you started with. Unfortunately, again, I didn’t quite make it to the interesting stuff later with what looks like a battle scene—it looks like that’s where the premise of story really starts to pick up. But I think the mechanics of your writing is good, and you do a really good job with making the scenery clear—the environment, where we are, where we’re going, etc. (I had a hard time with that with my own story for a long time, so kudos for doing a good job making that clear).

A couple of other things. You might want to try creating a prologue or an opening action chapter/scene that just gives us a quick snapshot of what’s going on/going to happen in your book without any backstory whatsoever. Maybe someone is sitting at home and this bright white light blinds everything out of nowhere and they experience whatever’s happened with that disaster, or something like that. That will help hook your readers and draw them into the longer chapters and backstory to come, along with the rest of what you want to say.

Also, a book that I think might have some stylistic and premise similarities to yours is The Maze Runner by James Dashner—take a look at it. It’s a teenage thriller/horror story about a bunch of kids who end up in this maze and don’t know why, and they have to survive, battle creepy machines, and find a way out. I find that his book moves fast but not too fast. It flows exceptionally well, and he knows how to give just enough details to flesh out the world and situation these people are in without giving too much abstract. I really like his writing style and have tried to pattern the flow of my book based on his style in a lot of ways.

That’s a lot of commentary, and I hope you find it helpful.

Best of luck in your story, and again, thank you for your feedback as well! :-)

-Sarah ES

Hello Jared,
While I think you have the makings of a good yarn here, I believe it needs some editing, certainly in the first chapter. There is much overuse of 'had' when describing historic events. Also, some of the sentence stucture needs a little thought, for instance, 'Then came the previous night' reads a little on the clumsy side. As you say, the book is far from complete, so I make these suggestions in the hope that they are helpful. Good luck.

Kind of feel eerie sending the children to Germany considering what happened in the second world war. I wondered why Markus mother didn't make a fuss. The way it is written it seems that a couple guys in uniform came to the door made demands and she complied. I wonder if it would have been that easy. Missed the emotional impact of their parting.

There is so much happening in this piece. Great ideas and even greater intrigue. I think with a little tightening up of the little details you will have a powerful story. Good luck and on my shelf. C.P

Hello Jared. You brief bio intrigues me and I have watchlisted your book. I shall come back to you with comments when I can.

The pitch for Burden of Humanity needs development to place us in the time [near future?] and circumstances [United States of Europe?] of the book, and to give some idea of who is fighting, why and for what ends.
Having said that, the book itself gets off to a good start and by the end of C1 the action and narrative pace is picking up - you got inside Markus's head and point of view well towards the end which makes the story much punchier. Earlier on you were moving POV too much for me - one minute in M's head [he wasn't surprised] the next minute you are an outside observer [Markus would have expected]
You have the foundations for a good book here, so I'll back it for it potential. Good luck taking it forward.

1. Markus--you repeat his name constantly in the narrative when I feel 'he' would suffice. It's a small thing, but maybe something you will consider changing.

2. You seem to get right into the story very quickly, which to be honest, left me feeling a bit rushed. Personally, I'd have preferred more exposition regarding the first earth quake before moving onto the 2nd. Again, this is just my subjective opinion on the matter.

1) I've actually become aware of that rather recently: I've seen some authors go pages (or even chapters) without repeating the character's name, since it's clear who is being written about. I'll fix that in a later edit.

2) Hmm, it worries me that you think there were two earthquakes; there was only one, though I must not have been clear about that. I'll take another look at the first chapter sometime.

Anyway, thank you and thanks to everyone else who commented. For those of you who I haven't returned the favor to, I'll get on that as soon as possible.

i did enjoy what you wrote here, I like the instant story, though it did feel as though I was being thrown into it rather quickly, though that isn't a bad thing. I would like to echo Shoshanna's comment about the repetition of the MC's name. it is's necessary and often a he would do. The over usage really draws away from fluidity of the story.
Backed.
T.L Tyson_Seeking Eleanor

You have a great pitch here, Jared, and your writing delivers: it is excellent. I think this is top league fiction for YAs and indeed to all of us. There's a lot of excitement right from the start with the earth movements in Spain and the implications as the robots swarm in. I found your writing very enticing and look forward to reading the completed version of this story, hopefully as a published book. Best wishes - Phil Rowan (Weimar Vibes)

Jared
Great writing. You have woven an interesting tale. I thought it was great how the girl stepped forward and had to drag the guys into the battle. It reminded me of the story of Deborah in Judges a book of the Bible. You have the makings of a good book and you did a good job with the point of view, but I would trim that first chapter a bit to pick up the pace. There is a lot of telling at the beginning, almost like a newspaper article. If you trim it down it will also help with your voice. Fun read, good luck with it.
Steve Ward
Test Pilot's Daughter: Revenge

This is a book that grabbed me right away. From the pitch through the first four chapters I have read so far. I can relate because you talk about subject matter that is important to my own psyche. You express the intricacies of our human foibles expertly, and explore and weave the information effortlessly in the story with aplomb. As it develops I am confident I will relate to and enhance my own viewpoint on human frailties, so I look forward to reading more. Its premise of "what it means to be human" reminds me of my own book to some degree. Glad to shelve this interesting work.

I have to say I like this idea. Very clever. Your writing is excellent also as it flows along smoothly. You carry your scenes very well and your descriptions are top-notch! Shelved!
Tammy
The Chimney Still Stands

The Burden of Humanity

Hi Jared,

Fascinating idea, still in development I'm sure, the current draft seems too distant from the action and is telling us information rather than enabling us to experience it. We would need more show in the final story, which is, I am sure what you will give us. The idea is however rock solid and the mournful title and its philosophical underpinnings, would happily come back and read a further draft just let me know what it's uploaded, best wishes - backing for the sheer quality and depth of the concept

Andrew W. (Sanctuary's Loss)

Hello Jared,
Sci is not among my top list of genres, but you crafted a very enjoyable story on a very fascinating premise. You wrote it in a confident and engaging manner whose outcome is a smooth flowing story with a believable ring in it that for a while made me feel I was reading a true to life story. Very enjoyable and fast-paced. Rightly shelved.

All the best.

Janvier (Flash of the Sun)

You get the sory going quickly, imparting a lot of information but in a way that doesn't become a wall of info dump - well written! With a little tightening up of the prose you are onto a winner here. Backed without hesitation!

-Jenny-

This sounds really interesting; I'm adding this to my watch list. I'll be back later to read some of it, but right now I have to run out. Isn't that always the way? Good luck writing it. As I read, is there anything you wish comments on? Do let me know and I'd be happy to oblige.

now, i like it. however, just like my own first chapter until recently, there is a lot of exposition. you do have to bring the audience up to speed however.... the book does run smooth, and the storyline is very good. my suggestion is when you have time just experiment with your first chapter. you never know, you might find a better way to tell the audience the story.

hi jared
chapter one is absolutely sound in terms of writing and the pitch is fine too. you've obviously go everything planned out and you can write. however,quite a big however, there is too much very naked exposition for my taste. this chapter needs to bring everyone up to speed but not in this way. explaining everything that has happened takes the excitement out of a good plot.

i wonder if you can edit this to make it more exciting, less wordy, more gripping?

a lot of promise here.

good luck
maitreyi
BLOGSPOT

Funny, I just came back from Switzerland and so I immediately liked the train to Berlin, because I spent so much time on trains there. My wife is from Switzerland and has heard of Glarus and said she thought it was a small county, close to Zurich you say, so you must have been there, huh?

Actually, I was in Switzerland two summers ago, but only really visited Interlaken. I use Google Maps to figure out where I want the different locations in my story to be, though, and Glarus seemed like a reasonably good spot.

Funny, I just read "The Offensive" and it reads a lot like yours; one big thing both have in common that I didn't like was not identifying the time period in the future it was writing about within the three chapters that I read but I don't question it because you may have a good reason to hold that off for awhile

No, no good reason. It just never comes up until Chapter 5.

Anyway, glad you liked the story; thanks for shelving it.

Jared,
You have a good story going here, with some great writing.
I've completed the first chapter, i'll be back for more soon.
cheers

Jared,

I just finsihed three chapters of "The Burden of Humanity" and it read fast and smooth. Funny, I just came back from Switzerland and so I immediately liked the train to Berlin, because I spent so much time on trains there. My wife is from Switzerland and has heard of Glarus and said she thought it was a small county, close to Zurich you say, so you must have been there, huh? Funny, I just read "The Offensive" and it reads a lot like yours; one big thing both have in common that I didn't like was not identifying the time period in the future it was writing about within the three chapters that I read but I don't question it because you may have a good reason to hold that off for awhile; I am not about to tell another writer how to write his story, being his story I couldn't anyway, and one other thing was the girl who was the best fighter; I'd figure a guy but that, again, is your perogative as the writer and it may come into play in the upcoming chapters. Anyway, very good dialogue, real characters and the chapter endings have plenty enough tensdion to keep me wanting to read but three chapters is it for me and I will shelf this because it is great writing. Funny, I just noticed when I came onto your site that you shelved "Muhammad's Revenge" and I thank you for that.

Peace,

Keith G.

Once I stopped nitpicking (like I think you missed a "he" where he made his way up the stairs, and did you mean "the impact produces" - stuff like that) and pulled up a little extra suspension of disbelief dut to the unlikely way things progressed, I really got in to it. Not a work of art, but it promises to be a great adventure. I'll give it a short shot on my shelf.
If you get a chance check out my bid for fame... hehe.