Appetites

I hardly know where to begin. This is a finely polished manuscript so I'm guessing you're not looking for critique. You've developed a unique style of capturing all the sounds and smells in your scenes to tell a story. I found your book very easy to read and enjoyed reading it in full. You developed a group of very strong, individual characters whose stories were fascinating and I just had to keep reading to find out what happened to them all.

I particularly liked how Sal's perspective was equally as convincing as James'. I always find it interesting to read female characters written by a male author because they seem to focus on different aspects of the character than what a female author does ... perhaps I'm generalising too much but it's what I've found in my own reading experience.

You write with impressive confidence and don't shy away from the details even when they're not pretty which just seemed to make the book even more real. Though the situations seemed absurd with what was taking place and the kids being in the same house the way you put your plot together made it all believable.

I'm not one personally for romance novels as I find them a little bland and predictable but this had me guessing to the end. I'm not sure you intended it as romance but the love tangles between the characters was fascinating.

All the best with your book!

Sorry it has taken me so long to get round to reading your wonderful book.

What I think I liked most was that you haven’t ignored the fact that sex can be messy and inelegant. This lends a humanity to your scenes, unlike with other authors of similar genres who try to pretend that everyone is gorgeous naked and that sex is always perfect.

I also enjoyed the simple, everyday details such as the crayon drawing falling off the fridge door just as the parents were about to have a threesome - that was an interesting touch. Other details, like the unchanged bedsheets and the smell of curry kept this grounded.

For the first couple of chapters I disliked Sal and felt sorry for James; then in chapter 3, when Sal tells her friend about her loneliness, and you describe her boredom, suddenly she becomes understandable. Your characters are very flawed, neither wholly bad nor good, and so are realistic.

Your writing is technically skilled, including your dialogue. There are a few instances of 'alright' which, if Fowler is to be believed (and he usually is), you need to change to 'all right'. There are also a couple of cliches you might want to consider changing - an example is the 'eyes are bottomless pits' at the end of chapter 3. And I am not a huge fan of the whole thinking-in-italics movement, but that is just a personal preference.

But overall I enjoyed this and I wish you the success you deserve.

J A Humm
(The Retreat)

JD,

I sat here this afternoon and decided I just had to read on a bit more. I stopped at chapter 7 because I need to go for bit, but couldn't help backing it. I came back and read more, purely because something niggled me - which was the erotica tag, which I didn't feel fit what I had read. Erotica should arouse, is meant to arouse in a sexual manner, but I felt something was missing, something was a bit disturbing about the story. I think you have something that moves beyond erotica, something that taps into human nature.

The first bit I read before, I felt that it wasn't what I would read if I wanted to read erotica - but I couldn't pin point why, beyond I felt it was lacking a sexual arousing element, but I think that is because you have written so much more than erotica. I personally feel you will do yourself an injustice if you market it as erotica, because there is a very heavy underlying narrative below the surface of self gratifing sex. - That is of relationships, destructive personalities, jealousy, selfishness, and human fragility.

I think you have hit the mark in capturing what could and probably has happened to so many couples during long term relationships. Both Sal and James are very well drawn, and I feel quite sad charachters searching for god knows what. I almost don't like either one of them, but can't help feeling sorry for them - sense that where they are heading is hell.

What dawns on me, is that you have managed to capture an essense of human nature, that although not all of us act on it, many may think of it - and those who don't have a self preserving type of nature. Both Sal and James seem to be lost in a world, and have certainly lost each other. I can't imagine how they could ever be one again, if they ever were.

JD

Hi there. Thanks for backing the Collector of Tales.

I started reading Appetites yesterday with a whole mass of mixed views. In probable order of precedence : lust, cynicism,curiosity, reciprocity, is it literature?, is it porn? do I have a calvinist ethic ?- no I'm a catholic ....

Within a few paragraphs I had dispensed with most of these and had literature in mind . Within a few chapters I was sharing some of the emotions and anxieties. I will read the whole book but it is going to disturb me, as it started to yesterday whilst reading. I am going to have to read it in tranches but that doesn't detract from its strength : in fact it just highlights some of my own inadequacies.

I think that it is well written and deals with the subject in a way that is frank and to the point but not gratuitous. To me the result is that what comes out so far is not a sexual roller-coaster but an emotional one.

Best of luck with this....it deserves

david

The writing here is exceptional.

I love the economy with words JD - like Sal’s extra marital - it’s short - sharp - no nonsense - but very expressive.

A style I’m particularly fond of.

I wasn’t sure at first if your choice of subject - erotica - would quite match the quality of your writing, but eight chapters in and I must say bravo.

To label Appetites as simply erotica is very much gross understatement - it’s much more than that.
If I may quote Sal once more - it’s a smorgasbord - a veritable buffet of emotional interplay, as well as the obvious sexual kind.

As for critical comment - I have none JD. You handle your book expertly well.

All the best with Appetites.

James

JD
Excellent writing skills. However, reading these characters was difficult...my heartstrings pulled! I wanted to say that in my experience of researching open-relationships, Sal and James' is the worst kind. Very little communication and honesty, however I agree that's what makes these characters so endearing. They are real, it almost crushes my soul reading through their mistakes.

Best of luck!
CJ Byron

Your name has come up a lot in connection with well-written sex. So I came over to check it out. I'll be honest, I didn't like the first paragraph - it just didn't do anything for me. But once you start with James, you're away and I didn't make any notes on my pad - or barely any - I just read.
It's good, really good - but I guess you already know that. But almost overwhelmingly sad somehow. My only quibble, writing-wise, was the way you slide between James and Jim - gives a slight confusion. Obviously it's fine if Sally is talking to him - cos she could most likely use the two forms of the name. But it's a little confusing when James/Jim is the narrator.

I wasn't sure whether to leave a comment or not but decided I would. I really like the way you write and I'm sure there's a market for this. I'm not good at reading on screen or I would have happily continued with the whole book. I'll have to buy it when you publish. :)

G’day, dear friend.

On 27/APR/12, I opened a new Forum top: DOWN-UNDER WRITERS OF DISTINCTION.

I said in the very first posting:

“I've so far found one other Australian writer here in Anthonomy (and living in Brisbane like me too).
No doubt there a lot more of them; and if they would like to say: "G'day! Howyergoin.." They will be most welcome here.

I am pleased to say that this topic was very well received from Day 1. Since then, with the help of some keen members, we have been able to produce a list (Including Aussies and Kiwis) of 25 DOWN UNDER writers. And to date we have clocked 6,366 views and 350 replies.

Now that’s an excellent start. But just getting to know one-another is but the beginning.

What I’m really aiming for, is for all us DOWN-UNDER members to do what we can to help each other – knowing, that from beginners to existing successful authors, we all need a bit of support, a bit help, a bit of encouragement, now-and-again.

May I ask you please to do something for me?

First, I’d like you to confirm that you are happy (or not – shudder...)to be listed in DOWN-UNDER MEMBERS OF DISTINCTION.

Second, I’d like you to tell us if you think we are moving in the right direction?

Third: Should you happen to have a space on your book shelf, to take at look at our DOWN-UNDER writers first, before going elsewhere.

Thank you, mate!

I shall be most pleased to see your reply.

Cheers!

KEN BLOWERS

Oh... And may I invite you, and your readers
and supporters, to take a look at my books:
6 books of short stories, and 5 books of one-act plays.
Plus QUOTE ME - a book of 1,000 daily quotations
ttp://www.authonomy.com/writing-community/profile/me/
Plus my hot topic: DOWN-UNDER WRITERS OF DISTINCTION
http://www.authonomy.com/forums/threads/92659/downunder-writers-of-distinction-/
PS
The difference between a writer and a successful writer
is an ample tonic of support plus a good dose of publicity...

Hi JD. You were voted by a fellow Authonomy member as a nice person. We thank you for being nice and helpful. You will have a bright future ahead of you. It won't matter if you get published or not, you will always have the support of your friends from Authonomy.

http://www.authonomy.com/forums/threads/91714/nice-people/

I'm sure some people would like this novel, but it just wasnt for me. I persevered till the end but the weirdness of the swinging scene and the pain inflicted on either spouse was just too much for me. I think if you toned it down a bit, made it less of an erotica novel and more of a psychological novel looking at the problems within a marriage and her depression, it would be better. I also did not understand at all how come she was SO angry that he slept with Helen when she was sleeping with a plethora of men by herself. It was totally unreasonable.
This book left me feeling very miserable and depressed. It was just too sordid and wrong.
Having said that, despite it being very twisted, it was well written and I wanted to carry on reading.
Sarah

Hi again.

I just wanted to drop by and give you 1 last gentle bugging. :)

I think you said ages ago you might be able to give me a bit of a boost near the end of the month. Is there any chance you could fit me on your shelf just for this last 2-3days in the race? I know it's unlikely I'll slip out of the top 5 now, but I'm trying to make sure I'm safe as the others near the top have been gaining huge amounts of backings lately.

Best wishes (Whether your reply is yay or nay) :)

Pete

Thanks for getting back to me. Glad to hear you're getting interest at last. It's certainly well deserved. I think now it's just a matter of time. I'm sure you will make it. ;)

Thanks also for the possible upcoming nudge. There are some heavy spammers behind me, so I might really need your help in the last week.

Best wishes,

Pete

Ah I remember this. I read/backed this when it was deskbound for v good reasons. It's a book that's far deeper than it 1st appears. When I started reading this, I thought it might all be about titillation. I was wrong. This soon becomes a complex and insightful piece on a relationship under great pressure. I ended up feeling really sorry for both Sally and James and praying things would end well for them both :(. Impressive work. :)

Have you had any interest from agents/publishers yet? I notice the HC review made some suggestions about alterations, but the reviewer seemed impressed. I'm hoping your book’s been snapped up by now as I'd love to see it published. :)

Shock news: my book, A Memory of Blood, just reached no. 2 in the rankings! Scary. :) Is there any chance you’d be willing to have a peek and back me this month if you like it? May will be the last month I'm racing. Win or lose, I'll stop racing in June.

Yours hopefully,

Pete

ps I'm hoping keeping me on your shelf should be good for your tsr too. I'm driving v hard for the desk, so I will be going up. ;)

pps sorry for sending this as a comment, but your messages are blocked + I didn’t want to email you to bug you. :(

Chapter 4: It’s good that you’ve moved the story out of the bedroom for a bit in this chapter, otherwise it would get too much. I liked learning more about James, his work and the mention of Maggie. I can easily see James's story going in her direction. This is made even more clear by Sal’s self-absorbed obsession with having more men. She is really rather callus in the way she shuts down James after work when he wants to talk about his day. All she is concerned about is her next root, rather than his feelings, and in a way bullies him into choosing their next date. She really isn’t very likeable at times, and stands out in total contrast with James. This is not a criticism of your character, as every story needs characters like this, creating tension. These sort of characters spice up the story, creating conflicts that makes the reader eager to read on. Well, at least she did offer James some female options, so she’s not totally selfish, just not very aware of his feelings. He’s really just not interested.

In relation to the different guys they've gone with, I like how you’ve made them very different, each experience not the same. The football player was rather an arse, and his arrogance was displayed well in the scene. Also, the Israeli was another unique character. And I found it amusing that Sal came out of those two sessions less than satisfied. Serves her right :)

I see that you’re revising this. I’m curious to know what you’re thinking about changing. Have a good Boxing Day (I heard Australia celebrates this too) –Marita.

Chapter 3: A bored housewife with too much time on her hands--not a good thing in James’s case. I can see their marriage rapidly going downhill. Sally has no idea how poor James’s is viewing her appetite for these liaisons. First Junior, then the internet site, and her lustful eyeing up of the labourer. Definitely trouble. Nice touch with the differences in the way Sally views herself: flabby, baby belly, and the way Jame’s sees her: black-holes of love. Flawed in her eyes, perfect in his. I'm agree with Sally's view, she is most certainly flawed.

Good use of dialogue with Junior. Natural. It also displayed his culture and youth. Still wanting to read on. –Marita.

Chapter 2: Well, this chapter certainly placed it within the erotica zone. I thought from the first chapter that you were going to skim over the sex scene, and go to another day, with James’s thoughts about what had happened the prior night. But, your synopsis did say what was coming. Although I have no problems reading other people’s sex scenes, I always feel uncomfortable writing them myself, and I go over it, again and again, trying to get it right, making sure that I don’t put in too much detail. I think with your scene you put in the right amount of detail. Though the bit on the face-ooh! Sal was definitely keen. Anyway, it was a well written scene, with nice touches in regards to how Jame’s felt: the sweat/tears, his worry about Danny’s size-no doubt comparing it to his own, the way Sally was acting with Danny, his concern about being so close to another man, etc. James is definitely my favourite character at this point, his feelings very real.

I thought the different names to distinguish between Sally’s and Jame’s point of views was a nice touch.

In relation to Sally’s POV, this was nicely done too. Her feelings were so opposing to James’s. She was totally wrapped up in the situation, the experience and the feeling of how great it was making her feel, whereas James’s, although climaxing, was suffering, his hurt clear. Again, I like him the best.

Anyway, I’ll definitely be reading on and will leave you another comment when I’ve done chapter 3. –Marita.

I read your first chapter because I was curious, your topic sounded interesting, plus the story seemed to be well liked on the forum.

This is a good first chapter, something that was easy to read and sucked me in. Jame is likeable, someone that appears very real, and in love with his wife. But unfortunately for this poor guy she isn’t in as much love with him as he is with her. Without even being told it’s easy to tell that the couple are in their thirties, my guess the late thirties. They seem to be going through that lull in the sex life and Jame’s is attempting to spice it up for his wife, willing to do anything to please her. And Sally ... it looks like there’s going to be heartbreak for James, because her sexual appetite is very strong, the way she acted in the club, then with Danny at home. They started off without poor James, another bad sign for him. If they were in a tight and secure relationship I would’ve have thought she would be seeking his approval, keener for him not to leave her alone. But she’s fully concentrating on Danny, her husband not even featuring in her radar. This portrayal of your two features MCs is good because it shows inevitable conflict, something that the reader can look forward to. A happy marriage? Where’s the fun in that with reading. It may be great in real life but in a read I want this conflict.

In relation to the alluded sexual content in the chapter, I thought this was good. Cutting it before the sex or lap dance was a good idea for the lead in chapter because if you had put it in it would’ve eclipsed the relationship between James and Sally, as well as the construction of their characters. Though, I do assume there will be some in later chapters, which there should be. But right now, I’m happy with just the entree before the main meal.

Chapter 1 is also very clean grammatically. I didn’t notice any obvious mistakes. The only thing that pulled me up (structurally) was the last couple of paragraphs where it jumped back to the present. This is probably my fault because I do read and write things chronologically, but I had to think for a moment ... The lunch was a memory. However, my stupid brain clicked a few seconds later, and it wasn’t something that was a major. Just had me using my brain.

You have a nice way of relating things, which I thought was clever. The Kama Sutra reference and it’s relation to Indian takeaways and their sex life, as well as the blander representation of their current love life and relating it to hamburgers was clever and fitted in perfectly to your theme and title.

Well, that’s all for now. When I read chapter 2 I’ll leave you another comment. As I said above, it’s a promising start, and I hope the story lives up to its start. Merry Christmas, Marita.

I read your first two chapters.

General coments: An edgy start to what could be an intense story of fractured relationships. Believable main characters with real problems. Narrative could focus more on character development and less on clinical aspects of sex. In my opinion, this would heighten tension and improve pacing.

Specific comments on chapter one:
1) 'A manly man' is cliche. Consider writing the same idea, but in a fresh way.
2) 'The man eyes met hers and she grinned.' Man (singular) should be man's (possessive).
3) 'Focus old boy, you've got more pressing things to think about.' Comma after 'focus.' When you address someone, offset their name or title with commas.
4) ' ... not that either of them drank martini.' Martini (singular) should be martinis (plural).
5) Good end of chapter hook.

Specific comments on chapter two:
1) The sex scene seems more clinical than erotic. More graphic than romantic. James seems relatively detached from the activity. Granted that you occassionally bring his emotions into play, but not nearly enough to allow me to experience the event as James. As with all scenes, each sex scene should have an effect on James. He should be one way going into the scene and come out of the scene a changed person. Scenes exist to show character development (or deterioration). By keeping the focus on how the scene is changing James, the tension/drama with be heightened, the reader involvement will be intensified, and the pacing will quicken.
2) Good end of chapter hook.

I hope this critique will help you further polish your all important first chapters. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

I'm polishing the first four chapters of "Savannah Passion" for a possible Harper Collins read at the end of this month. Would you consider reading the fourth chapter before the end of the month and letting me know how I might improve it?

Have a spectacular day.

Happy holidays.

Al

Were you satisfied with the HC review? Was it worth the wait of almost a year and a half for this?

Hi JD
Superbly written, compelling stuff. At first I was a little put off by all the sex - it's extremely well presented, it was just the immediacy of it all happening so soon - but as I read on I understood the role it plays in terms of the relationship between James and Sal, which is subtly drawn and I'm sure recognisable to many.
I think the fact that your characters are not 'likeable' in the conventional sense makes them even more convincing, and I enjoyed getting to know them.
My only quibble would be I can't quite believe that anyone could get up to all that with their kids in bed, but maybe I'm just a prude! I think you need to either bring the kids more into the narrative, flesh them out as characters, or leave them out altogether - your story could work well either way imo.
The only ms I've read to the end on this site.
Very best of luck
Joanna Williams
(Different)

JD, you backed The Lamia a while ago. Now that we have the new rating system, I wonder if you would be so kind as to give it another look and award it a star or two. I've done so for Appetites. Jim

I checked out your interesting book and have decided to back it. You might want to take a look at my two novels, DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS and MY GENTLEMAN FRIEND. Good luck and happy writing.
Dwain-Thomas

I hardly know where to begin. This is a finely polished manuscript so I'm guessing you're not looking for critique. You've developed a unique style of capturing all the sounds and smells in your scenes to tell a story. I found your book very easy to read and enjoyed reading it in full. You developed a group of very strong, individual characters whose stories were fascinating and I just had to keep reading to find out what happened to them all.

I particularly liked how Sal's perspective was equally as convincing as James'. I always find it interesting to read female characters written by a male author because they seem to focus on different aspects of the character than what a female author does ... perhaps I'm generalising too much but it's what I've found in my own reading experience.

You write with impressive confidence and don't shy away from the details even when they're not pretty which just seemed to make the book even more real. Though the situations seemed absurd with what was taking place and the kids being in the same house the way you put your plot together made it all believable.

I'm not one personally for romance novels as I find them a little bland and predictable but this had me guessing to the end. I'm not sure you intended it as romance but the love tangles between the characters was fascinating.

All the best with your book!

JD, Congratulations!!!
CC Brown
Dark Side

Well done JD, at last, completely well deserved, best of luck with the review :)

Terrific JD!!!!

:-)
jim

This is my first visit to the site in aeons. And what a day to return! It's like a Thursday evening on election day - all of a sudden everyone in or around the dizzy heights wants to be my bestest friend. Gives me a warm glow. Anyhow, by chance I noticed that Pete Shelley had backed you, as it were, and remembering him for his near impeccable tastes, I thought I'd have a quick look. I read 20 chapters... at work... resulting in no work actually getting done... none, whatsoever...
So, thanks for fucking up my day. I hope you go far though, matey. Ace job!!!

You make me wish I could write like you. Hot stuff. I think you’ll like some of erotic scenes in Beach in Heat. Can’t wait to read more……..

You make me wish I could write like you. Hot stuff. I think you’ll like some of erotic scenes in my book Beach in Heat. Can’t wait to read more……..

I had no idea this was to be like it was. How I laughed at her tummy wobbling like jelly on a plate. Wonderful. I love the way you show it from both their thoughts and make it realistic. There is no glamour and perfection, just ordinary people (!) with human angst about how they look and perform. Wonderful bit of writing and I can see why it is at the top of the charts.

Hi JD,

Appetites is not really my kind of book, but you took the trouble to read mine and I promised to return the read, although it's taken me 'forever' to get to it.

I have looked at the first four chapters. The manuscript appears clean and well presented. There's certainly plenty going on (in both senses) and your narrative flows well, is easy to read and I can't fault the dialogue..

I really have no idea what the market for such books might be, but I can definitely see this succeeding, so backed.

Regards,

Neil.

Hi J.D.,
just stumbled on this and enjoyed the read. I found this to be more than mere Erotica and would put this somewhere in the 'Literature" genre. I can see why you rated "Platform" in your list of favourite books. I like the style and I suspect that the story is more common in some ways, in more people's lives than one might suspect. I didn't like any of the characters much, but that's not really the point, is it?They struck me as generally more lonely, sad and lost than enviably raunchy and daring. I wondered, if one could meet Sal and James, what world-view they would espouse? Still, they were well realized and your prose has a hard economy which is good at drawing the story along without distracting digressions. Great work.
I wish you all the success you deserve.
Cheers.
Tristan de Chalain
Wolf's Paw.

I read about a third of your book and found it very well-written. The descriptions are excellent and I feel a bit sorry for the characters. Instead of discussing their problems, they try to pretend like everything is okay when really it's not. It actually kind of reminds me of my first marriage - he's so desperate to keep her that he's willing to do whatever it takes while she feels entitled to what she's doing and jealous that he might be doing the same thing. Sal seems almost to have an addiction; it takes more men for her to feel the same as she did that first night. I think your book will do very well, though it could use a good once-over in terms of grammar and spelling errors (I noticed a few), and I wish you good luck!

A good story with real characters facing real problems. I enjoyed reading this. Backed

Tam G

This is a skilfully written novel, and will be greatly admired by lovers of this genre.

Good luck, and I have pleasure in backing you.

Sheila Mary Taylor (Pinpoint)

Not my kind of book, if I am totally honest but I like to think that I know a well written book, when I see one and am more than happy to back Appetites on that basis. Here's hoping that you make it over the line.

Philip John

This isn't my usual genre but it kept me turning the pages. The characters' have depth. You show their motives & emotions well. I read 1 - 4. I'm happy to back it.

Hi,

Just read the first two chapters. Your grasp of this style of writing is obvious. Description was quite harsh on parts, but i understand the angle you are trying to create. However, I sense that Jim is very torn about these pairing, and would have liked to have felt his concern / upset a bit more, less on the whole sex deal. Maybe throw in some back story in the places he's looking and watching, how does it really make him feel? All in all great writing. Not my cup of tea normally, but I've backed this because I feel it does deserve to be seen by HP reviewers.

Good luck to you

Sar (Hotel Carousel - All Aliens welcome) Please have a read if you've the time.

Hi,

Just read the first two chapters. Your grasp of this style of writing is obvious. Description was quite harsh on parts, but i understand the angle you are trying to create. However, I sense that Jim is very torn about these pairing, and would have liked to have felt his concern / upset a bit more, less on the whole sex deal. Maybe throw in some back story in the places he's looking and watching, how does it really make him feel? All in all great writing. Not my cup of tea normally, but I've backed this because I feel it does deserve to be seen by HP reviewers.

Good luck to you

Sar (Hotel Carousel - All Aliens welcome) Please have a read if you've the time.

See I don't know what type of effect you're trying to stir up in your readers but seeing as you tagged your genre as literary, I'm thinking deep feelings. I've read up to chapter four and I still don't get a strong sense of the characters inner feelings. Even as Sal is explaining to her girlfriend that she feels so bored and empty as a housewife and mother, I didn't feel sorry for her. Maybe it's b/c you revealed these things after the fact of the crazy sexing she gets over the weekend lol. Issues like her weight and her not feeling sex was a bit jarring b/c in the first few chapters she comes off as this confident chesty wild girl who likes to take home random Irishmen :)
I don't know... just a thought, maybe the characterization might work better if we're introduced to all of their insecurities and fears before they get tangled into their menage a trois......

Liked this very much. Good strong writing, and I liked the everyday kind of things you add, it keeps it "real" Good visual descriptions and the scenes move quickly. Backed! Good luck with this!
Christi Watson
Wonder: Heart of Captivation- A Thief of Life Novel

I started to pull this down for a read a couple of weeks back then passed thinking it had already made its ascent to the editor's desk. That my attentions were better spent elsewhere. I'm grateful that I happened back. The story is nicely structured. We take a dip onto the wicked side then are brought back to regular life with a crayon drawing. The break in action is meant for us to explore what's gone on between the couple. How they arrived at the point in their lives. Best of luck with it.

Jedah Mayberry
-Slow Train Comin'

Hi JD - saw your post on Facebook. Placing your work back on myself.

Blessings to you!!!
Jim

I came back onto the site at night and logged on just so I could leave a comment. This afternoon, I took a look at the first chapter and found myself reading up to chapter 9 by the time I heard my daughter waking up from her nap. Just being able to catch my attention, I had to back this and help you keep it up there so you can reach the Ed's desk. Best of luck.

Tracy

Sorry it has taken me so long to get round to reading your wonderful book.

What I think I liked most was that you haven’t ignored the fact that sex can be messy and inelegant. This lends a humanity to your scenes, unlike with other authors of similar genres who try to pretend that everyone is gorgeous naked and that sex is always perfect.

I also enjoyed the simple, everyday details such as the crayon drawing falling off the fridge door just as the parents were about to have a threesome - that was an interesting touch. Other details, like the unchanged bedsheets and the smell of curry kept this grounded.

For the first couple of chapters I disliked Sal and felt sorry for James; then in chapter 3, when Sal tells her friend about her loneliness, and you describe her boredom, suddenly she becomes understandable. Your characters are very flawed, neither wholly bad nor good, and so are realistic.

Your writing is technically skilled, including your dialogue. There are a few instances of 'alright' which, if Fowler is to be believed (and he usually is), you need to change to 'all right'. There are also a couple of cliches you might want to consider changing - an example is the 'eyes are bottomless pits' at the end of chapter 3. And I am not a huge fan of the whole thinking-in-italics movement, but that is just a personal preference.

But overall I enjoyed this and I wish you the success you deserve.

J A Humm
(The Retreat)

JD,

I sat here this afternoon and decided I just had to read on a bit more. I stopped at chapter 7 because I need to go for bit, but couldn't help backing it. I came back and read more, purely because something niggled me - which was the erotica tag, which I didn't feel fit what I had read. Erotica should arouse, is meant to arouse in a sexual manner, but I felt something was missing, something was a bit disturbing about the story. I think you have something that moves beyond erotica, something that taps into human nature.

The first bit I read before, I felt that it wasn't what I would read if I wanted to read erotica - but I couldn't pin point why, beyond I felt it was lacking a sexual arousing element, but I think that is because you have written so much more than erotica. I personally feel you will do yourself an injustice if you market it as erotica, because there is a very heavy underlying narrative below the surface of self gratifing sex. - That is of relationships, destructive personalities, jealousy, selfishness, and human fragility.

I think you have hit the mark in capturing what could and probably has happened to so many couples during long term relationships. Both Sal and James are very well drawn, and I feel quite sad charachters searching for god knows what. I almost don't like either one of them, but can't help feeling sorry for them - sense that where they are heading is hell.

What dawns on me, is that you have managed to capture an essense of human nature, that although not all of us act on it, many may think of it - and those who don't have a self preserving type of nature. Both Sal and James seem to be lost in a world, and have certainly lost each other. I can't imagine how they could ever be one again, if they ever were.

Hi there! Although it's not my kind of reading, I can honestly say that it's very well written. Well developed characters and nice pace. Lots of potential.Unfortunately, my bookshelf is full for the moment. But it's im my watchlist already.

I vaguely recall reading this quite a while ago now. I think the changes you have made, have made this a much better read.

I feel you use just enough description to set each scene, and that your dialogue and charachterisations ring true.

Generally the writing is good, and I did think you were handling the pace well in the opening until you got the backstory which I mention below.

"Cricking' through me off. I understand it to be a pain or stiffness in the neck, not a direction or straining of the neck.

When the narrative jumped from the current night in chapter 1 from when they were about to have sex with the Irish fellow, and you jumped back to the previous day, I wanted to skip the backstory that spoke about that day. After reading it, I'm not convinced it serves any purpose, but to slow the pace, when I feel you want to keep the pace going and not irriate a reader with something that has previously happened. We already know prior to that backstory they are kinky, visited a strip club, and that they have children. I don't feel the backstory serves any purpose.

Now, if reading is subjective, sex certainly is. With chapter 2 your pov is all over the place, and although it reads as intentional - an attempt to give us everybodys thoughts, feelings ect - I'm not sure it works, because the reader isn't able to fixate on anyone charachter or action for more than a second. It reads a bit like a screenplay might - that said - I don't read erotica as such.

I'm curious to see where this goes.

Good luck with it.

Hi JD,
I think I've already backed your book, but I'll do it again in case it didn't register. I've enjoyed your story...you're a talented writer. My only comment would be that in America, it is not possible to have beers, drinks, etc. lined up in front of you in a strip club because the tables are incredibly small and the waitresses are dilligent to clear as they don't want you to know how much you've had to drink (and cluttered tables would be a hazard to the dancers). Just an observation as things may be different in other parts of the world:) Good luck to you!
Sincerely,
Heidi
An Unexpected Obsession

hello JD revene. You kindly critiqued Marion for me and so I'm returning a read though am frustrated as there is a downloading problem after having read chapters 1 and 2 and just when its all hotting up number three wont unfold! Is this a ploy of yours? I think you write very well. It's fast and slick but well-paced enough to make for the reader wanting more. I lived in Glebe for a very short time so am enjoying something set in that area. I'm sure you'll find a market for this and it's very publishable. I'm a bit worried about the sofa not having been sprayed with protective spray. I think you should have ensured your characters did this before they got down to any threesomes on it. Thats just the Dame Edna in me coming out. Best of luck. Madeleine

Sorry JD, (I assume your names are James Daniel), I ploughed through the 1st 2 chapts but was more interested in my tea than your tease, not because the action was 'been there, done that', but because ' 've read this, chucked that'. There has to be a better way to describe the scenes, the cast, the lines and the acts. I mean, we've all had sex, maybe not à trois, and we all know the organs that request and those which invite, what they look like and their street names.
'Course, I could be over the hump, and maybe it was a case of quitting the read too soon, lectus interruptus, (pompous bastard that I am :).
Anyway, give me a kick in the gonads if you like, tit-for-twat.
Lusar
Mei and the Warrior (chapter 3)

Appetites depicts the dissatisfaction in Sal and James' relationship and the lengths they will go to meet their insatiable needs. Cleverly crafted. Well written. Good luck with the book.


M. A. Anderson
DARK LEGACY

A sad but sexy book about a sick relationship. Well written, and the gist seems to be, "going from bad to worse," as the man James tries to do the impossible, that is, to make an unhappy woman happy by "giving her what she wants." Of course, it doesn't work, and so the plot thickens, with high risk sex getting riskier by the day. Risky in terms of "safe sex" but also in terms of where it is leading the relationship, and the family. I think five chapters is enough for me now.

JD,

Thanks again for backing Exposed, and for your positive comments. I've only just joined this site, but your backing spurred me to have a look at your book, and I'm glad I did.

What can I say? The pitch and blurb are perfect. I have no doubt that anyone who saw this written on the back of a novel would be compelled to open it and read on.

Your writing is straight to the point, but very descriptive. For example, in your first chapter, you describe breasts "challenging" a singlet. Original and simple but so effective.

The characters are very real - and this covers both genders, which is sometimes tricky - and the dialogue rings true.

I have only read three chapters, but will definitely read more.

You deserve to be at Number 2. It's great to see a fellow Aussie about to go to the editor's desk!

Best of luck,
Annabel - Exposed.