Liar Liar

Great voice, great premise, and an unconventionally fantastic short pitch! I like the long pitch as well except for the very last bit about Peter Pan and the crazy book characters. Somehow it doesn't feel like it works. But other than that, I think it's all great! Kudos, backed, and best of luck! :)

This is the first time that the "pitch me" thing on the Authonomy home page has ever thrown up something I liked. Sitting here in the snow on a grey Sunday morning and I am laughing. I love it. Your short pitch is fabulous and I instantly adored Hera. I haven't finihsed reading yet but I wanted to tell you how hooked I am already. I can see the movie in my head as I read. Tremendous. You deserve to be one heck of a lot higher up the rankings than this and I cannot imagine why you're not (that's the truth by the way!!!). Maybe - just maybe - the title?!? "Liar Liar" is a very well known book/film (by older people like me) and that might put people off. As a writer myself we hold onto the title like our first born baby. But remember "Twilight" had a different title when she wrote it. The publishers persuaded her to change it and it very obviously worked. How about "Pants on Fire" as the second part of the children's rhyme? Might pull in a few more readers as well for the wrong reasons as well.
No obligations (that was a lie - sort of) but if you get the a few minutes to have a quick look at "A Patch of Dappled Sun" I would be grateful (true). Very good luck. You deserve. it. GG

This is a lot of fun. Not only did it make me laugh (the satisfaction that only a sadist could know), the characters are strong (the mom at-the -end-of-her-rope, the precoscious girl, and the ice-cream wielding step dad) I definately want to read on and find out what happens with this too-smart-to-be-outwitted therapist!
Backed!
Giulietta

Hi Vee!

I really like this, it appeals a lot to me(and I'm nineteen) so I think you have the mix right for your target audience! You have an original and interesting premise, and you write very well. The narrative is strong, the prose fluid and polished! I really love the dialogue, it reads so well and is very believable, something I have yet to master - this brings your characters to life and makes them become three dimensional. Hera is well-rounded and endearing, I have a connection with her very early on and am keen to see the character development. Fabulous read, thoroughly enjoyable and well worth a backing. Keep up the great work, m'dear!

Melanie x

Hi Vee,

Brilliant opening Line. It pulled me in.

The narrative voice is authentic and Hera is a likable and charming character. Wonderful humour and believable dialogue.

Very well written. Your sentence structure is well constructed and the pace is just right. It was easy to read. I really enjoyed this.

Shelved!

Shinzy :)

Hey,
"If lying were a sport, i would be a star athlete," witty opener, good start.
I've enjoyed the dialogue throughout.
"If shrinks are so lovely, then why didn't you want to become one?" good line.
I enjoyed reading this. You have a good premise and the writting skills required to make an etertaining read.
Shelved.

Regards,

Mark H

Liar, Liar...

This is really good stuff. Hera's voice and her characterization are spot on. I think your readers are going to be more than happy to spend a lot of time with her.

I have only one nit, and that's your sentences which begin with "ing" words. When the ing word is a gerund (e.g., Writing fiction is magical), no problem. However, when the ing word is a participle, it can be dangerous, and here's why. Participles denote concurrent or simultaneous actions; they don't denote sequential actions. Take a look at all your ing sentences because there's at least one in the first 3 chapters that's grammatically incorrect (starts with "walking.") This is such a good story and generally so well-written, I'd hate for you to be rejected by an agent simply because of something like this...and it doesn't take much to be rejected these days.

I'm shelving you right away. You deserve to make it to the Editor's Desk.

Cheers,
Sheryl (Did I tell you that I wrote a novel? In All The Wrong Places...I'm not lying)

I love your story...I know this is very subjective, but I truly do. I'd love to see this published

Liar, Liar...

Loved c.2 as much as c.1...this is very real and right on target for your market...

Did I ever tell you about the time Brad Pitt and I....? Better save that one for my closest friends....

Reading on...

Liar, Liar...

Your first chapter is excellent in my opinion...and I do love your premise.

Did I ever tell you about the time I slept with John Travolta?

Reading on...

I like this story. You have done a really nice job, overall. I did want to offer one suggestion / comment / issue (not that I'm an expert or anything).

I think the meeting with Carmen didn't quite fit with the rest of the story. I like the lead-in to it, and i like the results after, but I don't think the "session" itself was in keeping with the rest of it. The description of Carmen and her office were fine, her attitude was even OK, but i think that there should be a little more drama to it, so-to-speak. Perhaps expand it to encompass several sessions? It just seems as though Hera would be a bit more resistant to the situation. I don't think that a lot of additional detail is needed, it just felt stilted to me.

I have added Liar Liar to my watchlist, and look forward to more!

noyzcrkit

Vee,

Love your pitch and I only had time for your first chapter, but I absolutely love what I've read. Huge, excellent voice. Fluid, believable dialogue. Superb humor. This is something that looks like fun. I'd buy it based on the voice alone. Easily shelved.

Heidi
Turning Red

I was brousing my newsfeed lookng for reads and came across this. Glad I did.
Darrel has a masters in psycology but didnt become a shink? It begs the question, what did he do with his degree?
I couldnt find anything else to say, theis is a great book ad you caturef high school well I thought. Shelved.

Vee,

I like your short pitch, and the long pitch expands nicely on it. I have no choice but to read this!

You can always tell parents are angry when they use the middle name can't you?

Couple of observations with the early dialogue, you have one line presented as:

"Hera," my mother's ovice is even, but I can hear the anger threatening to break out, "why in God's name did your English teacher think I was the Queen of a small Indonesian province?"

I have had a few comments about my dialogue punctuation, as a result I *think* the punctuation should be:

"Hera," my mother's ovice is even, but I can hear the anger threatening to break out. "Why in God's name did your English teacher think I was the Queen of a small Indonesian province?"

There are other similar examples.

Then, when Hera says "Um" your closing quotation mark is the wrong way round (I've had that problem with MS Word closing quotations after an en dash).

I love the line, "I timed her, I always do when she loses it like that."

Yep teenage attitude.

Another thing with dialogue, you have Hera's thought - God I hate Mrs McNabb - interposed in her mother's dialogue, I'd use three paragraphs for this: her mother's first words; her thoughts; the remainder of her mother's dialogue. It might just be me, but I stumbled on reading this passage the way it's presented.

Darrel by the way is nicely drawn. I like the way he relates with Hera.

Chapter two picks up nicely from the the first. I like the way Hera's best friend affirms her mother's decision. Kinda confirms that there's a real issue here - and sounds right.

Now we get an insight into Darrel's musical taste, and I have to say that I, for one, am liking him more and more!

Then a Hobbit reference. This gets better and better.

I like the way Nick is introduced gently, the mention of him in Jade's discussion, the decision not to sit next him and finally Mr Rathbone's intervention. You dole out what we need to know in bite size portions that make it easy to digest. And the backstory comes out accompanied by a physics experiment.

The chapter ends with the first indication that perhaps Hera isn't as comfortable with her lying as she would have us believe.

The scene with Daniel is interesting, again it reveals back story, giving insight into Hera and suggesting she may be troubled, but it is also feels like just the avoidance technique a teenager might use so as not to think about that visit to the shrink.

So after three chapters it seems to me you have a well constructed work with the right voice for the genre - Hera is sympathetic - which I think is important, and a good balance of dialogue and narrative. I'd recommend an edit focussing on the presentation and punctuation of your dialogue, but really this is great.

Shelved.

Vee, what a great idea. your MC's voice is engaging and the idea of the therapy and the not-lying=for-a-year makes for a good plot. you also have a good pitch - a rarity.

the dialogue might bear a tiny bit of sharpening up. the comic timing could be improved a little bit here and there - but otherwise really nothing to add.

i'm sure you will have many readers for this, maybe a publisher too! shelved.

maitreyi
BLOGSPOT

Hi Vee,
I read straight through the first five chapters, great fun, wonderful characters - shelved.

Before I say anything else, I want to remind you I really do like this story and everything I say here is just one opinion and may be total rubbish. This is simply my best attempt to help you improve the story.

There are three issues with this story for me.

You are fantastic with talking heads and I wouldn't change a word you've written, but the first couple of chapters are a bit sparse of description and I think you should tell us a little about the settings. Just enough to put the people and places into context before you launch off into great dialogue. Things like where are we, who are these people.

You sometimes jump through things. The physics lesson lasted about five minutes and the therapy session less than that. You have to convey passage of time, at least drop in, 'The teacher droned on boringly for ages' or 'I told her about my latest lies'.

Lastly, the chapter with the psychologists was far too glib for me. As I read it, Hera is almost completely truthful when pressed and yet the psychologist tells her she's a compulsive liar. I would need to see at least two sessions where every word is a lie before we get to the challenge. The psychology of the challenge didn't work for me, as presented. Why does Hera accept when she has told us for three chapters she wants to keep on lying, unless the acceptance of the challenge was another lie?

Hope that helps, but regardless of what you do, this book will do very well on here.

John

Great pitch. Loved the idea of an Indonesian Princess and 'Peter Pan'. Hera is a humourous liar with a great voice and the way she handled her angry mother really helped to characterise her. The fact that Darrel smirks when he sees her the business card leaves the reader intrigued and reading on.
Backed,
Alison - Spellcaster

Your pitch made me want to read 'Liar Liar' straight away! It seemed like something that would make me laugh :) I read your first chapter and it did!! I'm definitely going to be reading much more :D
Thanks for backing my book!
Ruth
'Lizel'

Hi Vee

Great start to your book...straight into the lying, with the mother furious at her daughter ....'Queen of a small Indonesian province.' That is a whopper!!!...'wer'e not even Indonesian for god's sake.'....i told my wife that i had a Chinese grandmother....i must have been pretty convicning as she believed me....i also told had six fingers on one hand...that was more difficult to prove!!!

The part where you say 'Apparently he heard the last part of our conversation...argument...thing!' reads better i would say!...even putting an 'er' before the word thing...the full stops don't do justice to the goal you are trying to achieve.

This is a very humorous book, that i would enjoy getting right into. I have placed it on my shelf (not a lie) and will come back for more!!!

Much appreciated

Ed Quinn (Donkeys kill more people)

Hello Vee!
A girl who would take home the gold medal at Olympic lying... I love the idea! (And Nick is so cute!) So far this has been a fun, breezy read. Teens will absolutely love this. Can't wait to keep reading. Definitely shelved.

-Mariel

P.S. I appreciated the comments for Cakewalk into Purgatory. :)

Hi Vee,

Thanks for the comments on Switch - really appreciate it!

The story idea here is fun. It's been done (the Jim Carrey movie comes to mind) but you have a very fresh take on it and Hera is definitely a sassy heroine. I have a thing for sass!

Things I love: The sass (of course), the stepdad so cool he offers ice-cream and advice on "confuse the shrink" only to take it back (LOL), the hook -- an Indonesian princess. That got my attention!

Okay - a few suggestions (and a few line-by-line thoughts on chapter one):

Watch commas:

"Because lying, whether it is planned or improvised, is my forte" (be sure to read for these - especially on page one). There were several places where I looked for a comma and didn't see one. Dependent clauses, especially where you might pause if you say the sentence out loud, need offset with commas. Reading aloud helps catch these.

Verb agreement -- in the first few paragraphs, we see a shift from past to present tense. While this is okay in dialog, in the prose itself, it is incorrect.

"Shit." Depends on the age group. Over fifteen? Yeah, as long as it's not a constant soundtrack. Under fifteen...well, parents won't be as likely to buy it for kids. A way to get around it? Softer words like "hell" or say "I swore..." that works for younger audiences.

Revenge that only a sadist can know - LOL

All caps...OH DEAR GOD...seems like yelling rather than internal voice. Maybe italics with an exclamation point?

I really enjoy the MCs voice. I think with a good hard edit for typos and verb agreement, this has a lot of potential.

Shelved.
KinDallas
Switch

Excellent and lots of fun. My children would have loved this. The idea is right, the pacing is right and the world-weariness of the mother is authentic. On my shelf. Patrick Barrett (Shakespeares Cuthbert)

Hi there,
I like this and I think it's right for your target audience. It has a good premise and you clearly write well, the prose flows nicely with a strong narrative voice and and the dialogue reads convincingly to me - this brings your characters alive. Hera is an endearing character, I am keen to see how she develops and so I will read on. IMO, this has plenty of hooks to keep the reader interested. I'm not going to nit-pick the technical stuff as others better qualified will do that, I think this has the potential to be a great story and I will be back. Meanwhile, SHELVED!
Bests,
AnnabelleP
(Adelaide Short)

Fun book, engaging characters. I can see the appeal the story will have for teens.

I think the therapy session needs some work: have Hera tell more lies and get caught every time so she realizes how good Carmen's "radar" is about spotting lies. The session should be longer before Hera finally tells the truth and Carmen dares her to tell the truth.

I recommend re-reading for grammar and punctuation errors. There are many places missing a comma or with an error.